DadBoner

2011

January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December

Compiled from Pete Keen's DadBoner Twitter Fiction Reader, itself compiled from Karl Welzein's @DadBoner Twitter feed.

Sat Jan 01 2011

11:29 AM
Just woke up. Puttin the pieces together. Can't find my sportcoat. T-shirt was on inside out, the other side was covered in mayo.

11:45 AM
Crush really rocked it. Even dirty danced with a few gals. Like, 4 of 'em! (Only 2 were grossouts, but didn't want to be rude)

11:48 AM
One of the grossouts was all over me. Tried to follow me into the restroom. Told her, "beat it, I have to crap." Ha!

11:49 AM
Still don't know where all that mayo on my shirt came from. Best NYE ever! Think this might be my year to shine.

Sun Jan 02 2011

11:29 AM
Figured out the mayo mystery. Turns out it was ranch. I know because we're out of ranch and we used to have a full bottle.

11:31 AM
Really bummin' about Monday tomorrow, guys. Might just lay low today. Was gonna make Pizza Rolls, but, there's no ranch. Sucks.

02:09 PM
Dave dropped the remote in the toilet somehow. Can't change the channel. Really steamed.

02:10 PM
Who brings the remote into the bathroom?! Dave's such a grossout. That's where we crap! Idiot.

02:13 PM
Sick of this. I'm going to Wendy's.

07:28 PM
Stopped for a few drinks at Paddy's after Wendy's. Got a little out of hand. Had to pull over on the way home for a quick snooze.

07:30 PM
Don't even know what to do anymore. Life has gotten complicated. Plus, tomorrow is Monday. Such a drag.

07:32 PM
Gonna start Atkins tomorrow. Time for a change. Gonna have one last pig out and hit the sack. G'night folks.

07:34 PM
Great, Dave ate all the TGIFridays Potato Skins. Guess I'll have to pig out on Hormel Chili and the rest of these stale taco shells.

07:35 PM
Sick of this. So friggin' sick of this.

Mon Jan 03 2011

10:58 AM
Atkins Diet, Day 1: Had 3 Beef & Cheddars from Arby's, no bun. Forgot a fork, so they were messy, but delish!

11:00 AM
Some of Ken's curly fries fell out in the bag. Had MAYBE 4 of 'em. (Bag fries don't count) I'll behave at supper. Feelin good.

03:28 PM
Had a whole pack of beef bologna for supper. Atkins rocks! Dave thinks I'm crazy. He doesn't know anything about being healthy.

Tue Jan 04 2011

10:37 AM
Kinda screwed up at breakfast. Ate a can of corned beef hash but forgot about the potatoes. Tried to eat around as many as I could.

10:41 AM
Made up for the potatoes at lunch. Had 6 Wendy's Jr. Bacons. Hardly nothing without the bun. Someone should do something about that.

10:45 AM
Was still hungry so I got a Chili roadie. Then had a Biggie spill in the Sebring.

Wed Jan 05 2011

05:57 PM
Pretty proud of myself today. Wing Wednesday was built for this Atkins diet. Took down 24 wings. No waffle fries was SO hard though.

06:04 PM
Supper: 2 $5 Hot N Ready carry out pizzas. (cheese and toppings only). Sold Dave the crusts for $3. Idiot, I would've sold them for 1.

08:00 PM
Having a snack. Sucking the cheese off some Chee-tos. Kinda better than eating them. Think I invented a new diet thing!

10:18 PM
Woke up so thirsty. Dave drank all my water I keep cold in an orange juice bottle in the fridge. Tap water is disgusting. Super P.O'd!

10:35 PM
Had to drink a Pepsi. I know it's not Atkins, but I HATE tap water. I'm not perfect. Make up for it tomorrow.

Thu Jan 06 2011

10:29 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

10:38 AM
Just spent 20 minutes at Subway convincing the guy to make me a meatball sub without any bread. Why is that so hard, Tito?

10:39 AM
And yes, I want ranch on it. I don't need the sideways look. I'm on a diet. Sue me for trying to get in shape. What a jerk.

10:41 AM
And, don't ask me if I want chips when I'm not supposed to have chips. Really insensitive. Probably won't go back.

10:43 AM
Plus, he wrapped it all weird and the sauce leaked on the car seat. I should take the cleaning bill to the manager. Maybe get a free sub.

06:30 PM
Suppertime. Eating a summer sausage. The whole thing. (keep the jokes to a minimum, it's part of my diet) Ha!

06:31 PM
Dave's already made a bunch of cracks. He's such a loser. Doesn't get that everyone's cool with the gays now. Plus I'm super not gay.

06:45 PM
Can't wait for Saturday! It's my cheat day. Gonna keep it low key tomorrow with a few Michelob Ultras. Really proud of myself.

Fri Jan 07 2011

12:35 PM
For those about to Friday, I salute you!

12:41 PM
Had 5 Coney Dogs from Leo's. No bun. Forgot a fork again so they were kinda messy to eat in the car. This shirt has seen it's last Friday.

12:50 PM
Supposed to hook up with my bro Al for supper and drinks later. Super pumped. Look out Chili's, the Welzein Boys are comin!

10:41 PM
Had just an ok time at Chili's with Al. They wouldn't make an Awesome Blossom without any breading.

10:43 PM
Hated to make a stink, but the customer is always right. I'm not some jerk, just a guy trying to get in shape.

10:45 PM
Got the chicken fajita's for my entree. Took the tortillas to go. Gonna sell them to Dave. He doesn't know anything about groceries.

10:48 PM
Coulda been a fun time, but Al brought his wife, Toni. Kept asking why I don't see my kids much. She sucks sometimes.

10:51 PM
She kept calling me Jack LaLanne because of the diet. Like I'm some old gross gay guy.

10:53 PM
Toni brought up Ann a bunch. Me and Ann are FINE thank you very much. I think she's jealous that I'm gettin in shape and Al's not.

10:55 PM
AND she kept saying how beer isn't Atkins. #1, They were Michelob ULTRAs, and #2: It's almost my cheat day. I'll cut it short tomorrow.

10:57 PM
Got a 12 pack of Ultra on the way home. Gonna just subtrack the hours from Sat. night. Going down so smooth. SO. Smooth.

10:57 PM
Hate being judged. Like Al's better than me. Sick of this.

Sat Jan 08 2011

11:10 AM
Cheat day is rocking. Had a big pancake breakfast, now heading over to Paddy's. Feels good because I really earned it.

07:39 PM
Had a blast at Paddy's. Food just tastes so much better when you've earned it. Started with a double order of Crispy Potato Skins.

07:41 PM
Moved right on into the Paddy Melt, with a side of the Sweet Potato Fries. Boy, are those tasty. It was like the first time I had 'em.

07:45 PM
After a few cold brews and a couple restroom trips, I felt geared up again and went for the Chicken Ranch Pizza. (XL) Just like old times.

07:46 PM
They use RANCH as the sauce. It's just so incredible. AND it goes with my diet so I was still making an effort on my cheat day.

07:52 PM
I must have 5 lbs of leftovers. Was supposed to cut cheat day short, but it's wrong to waste food. And stupid to give it to Dave.

07:54 PM
Gonna try and eat it as fast as possible so I can get back on track. Gotta finish this 12 pack too. Feels good to put in a solid effort.

Sun Jan 09 2011

12:29 PM
Kinda overdid it for cheat day, but back on the horse again. I'm a diet Cowboy, on Aaaatkins I ride!

12:41 PM
Makin' cheese Steak Ums and brats for the Philly/Green Bay game. (no buns). Maybe invite Ann. She loves Karl's Steak Ums (special recipe)

Mon Jan 10 2011

06:45 PM
Work was soooo busy today. AND the internet crapped out. Also, I had KFC (took the coating off). It was worse than you can imagine.

06:48 PM
Ann just texted back about yesterday. She said, "Thanks for the invite, sorry didn't get back to you! Maybe another time." She misses me.

06:50 PM
Gonna kill of the rest of these Steak Ums and hit the sack. Monday, see ya later, sucker.

Tue Jan 11 2011

12:51 PM
Went to work with some Just For Men smeared on my cheek. Lied and said it was cigarette ashes.

12:54 PM
This one judgy woman said, "You know that's bad for you. We're gonna have to call you Smokey The Bear." Really hating her guts right now.

12:55 PM
SUPER P.O.'d. More than usual. I think this diet's getting to me. I'm usually a cool customer about the insults.

01:03 PM
Maybe I'm just crabby because they bought us Panera Bread for lunch today. Soup without the bread bowl part is just a ripoff.

01:04 PM
And it wasn't very sensitive to my dietary needs to go to Panera BREAD when they KNOW I can't have bread. Like they did it on purpose.

01:05 PM
And I love their sourdough. Stayed strong, but it was really hard to not cave in. My half sandwich was nothing without the bread.

09:36 PM
Dave found the box from my Just For Men in the trash. Won't shut up about it. He thinks it's a home perm thing for guys or something.

09:41 PM
I'm trying to wind down for bed and that fat idiot is walking around in his boxers saying, "Oooo! I'm Karl! I'm Mr. Handsome!"

09:43 PM
Dave's so jealous. He's so friggin' jealous it makes me sick. I'M gettin slim. I'M lookin good. And he's a lonely pig, that's what it is!

09:46 PM
Gonna eat some salami and cheese in the kitchen and hit the sack. Screw Dave. Stupid a-hole.

Wed Jan 12 2011

11:30 AM
New tee for the weekend! http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/graphictees/crossescrests/PRD~725753/Urban+Pipeline+Cross+and+Wing+Tee.jsp

11:31 AM
XL is a little snug, but I guess it's supposed to fit that way because I must be droppin l.b.'s like a madman.

11:32 AM
I never thought I'd say this, but my pecs look super jacked in the new tee. Feelin good. Working the program.

11:34 AM
Only had a dozen wings for Wing Wednesday. Trying to behave. Gonna do some pushups in the john to take advantage of the protein.

05:19 PM
Bought a chin-up bar on the way home. Dave already hung a wet towel on it. Don't even know where he got it. Didn't shower or anything.

05:21 PM
Dave is cracking up because I could barely do 2 of them. Must be sore from all those bathroom pushups at work.

05:24 PM
Like he should talk. Dave can hardly take a healthy crap without needing a nap afterwards. Sick of his B.S. It's getting stale.

05:26 PM
Making a no bread hot roast beef sandwich w/ gravy for some energy, then giving it another go. Dave better shut his mouth.

Thu Jan 13 2011

11:11 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:16 AM
Had a nice sit down lunch today. Went to Big Boy. Had the Super Big Boy, no bun. No bun really let's the taste come through.

11:20 AM
My arms are so sore from chin-ups I had to eat it all hunched over. Cute waitress asked if I was ok. Told her I was sore from training.

11:22 AM
She gave me kind of a look up and down. I think she could tell I was. I felt like a piece of meat. It was awesome! I'm really doin it.

02:46 PM
Can't wait for the weekend. Gonna stop by Paddy's for a couple well earned cold ones on the way home. Nothin' serious.

04:32 PM
Bartender at Paddy's said, "What can I getcha, big guy?" Thought I was slimming down. Can't tell if she meant muscle or fat.

05:55 PM
This is really killing me. I don't know what she meant. Had a big sweater on so who knows. Gonna go back wearing my new tee this weekend.

05:57 PM
Got stressed out and kinda overdid it. A "couple" turned into 6 or 7. My arms are still sore or I'd just work it off on the chinup bar.

05:58 PM
Gonna have a cocktail. Gin and Diet 7-up can't be that bad. Besides, I was good at Big Boy today and no supper yet.

Fri Jan 14 2011

03:56 AM
Just woke up on the couch. Upset stomach. Don't know whether it's that I'm anxious about Ann, the "Big Guy" comment, or just need to crap.

03:58 AM
Went a little overboard on the Gin and 7s. Almost polished off the bottle. Why did I do that!?

04:00 AM
Can't decide whether to just stay up or get a few more winks. This sucks. And Dave's snoring like a pig's butthole.

04:04 AM
Screw it. Gonna make an omelette, some Eggos, and flip through the tube. Get this Friday started off early. Nice and peaceful here.

04:07 AM
Gonna just shut my eyes for a minute. Just so great to be up early. Takin Friday to the limit!

11:12 AM
It's a long way, to Friday if you wanna Rock n Roll! Happy friday guys!!!

11:15 AM
Fell asleep on the couch this morning and was 3 hrs late for work. Gave the old "diarrhea" excuse & went straight to lunch.

11:25 AM
Got Taco Bell. 2 hard shells and 4 soft shells. Guess it didn't matter since I only ate the filling. They should have an Atkins menu.

11:30 AM
Ann called. Not good though. I guess the Carlson's want to have us over to see if they can help us with our "problems."

11:39 AM
Why is Ann all for meeting up with them to talk, but I can't get any one on one time? Can't work my moves in front of those idiots.

11:41 AM
I mean, I'm gonna go tomorrow of course. Think it's kind of rude to ask last minute though. Had plans to go to Paddy's in my new tee.

11:44 AM
Great, just thinking about having to see the Carlsons gave me real diarrhea. That or the Taco Bell. More likely the Carlsons.

Sat Jan 15 2011

12:20 PM
Met Dave at Chili's after work yesterday. Got a little out of control. Was so stressed about the Carlsons.

12:23 PM
Must've had 8 margs. I know they're not on my diet, but I just needed to relax. Left the Sebring at Chili's. Dave had to drive home.

12:26 PM
Threw up in Dave's Skylark. He just wiped it up with an Arby's bag and wasn't p.o.'d or anything. I give him a hard time but he's a pal.

12:36 PM
Dave's worried about me fixing things with Ann. He made some good points. Would Ann let me throw up in her car and not get mad?

12:43 PM
Supposed to meet up at the Carlsons at 6. Head's pounding. Dave went for Taco Bell. He's being so nice. Dave's a good guy.

12:44 PM
Better have a few beers to patch up. Doin what I gotta do today. Big day. Big, big day.

02:11 PM
Dave went bananas at Taco Bell. Like 17 dollars worth. Forgot how good the shells are. Diet cheat day is just the best when you earned it.

02:13 PM
Had 4 Michelob Ultra's. Feeling good. Having a blast with Dave. He thinks I should tell the Carlsons to shove it.

07:06 PM
Just got back from the Carlsons. Tina made the WORST sloppy joe's I've ever had. How do you screw up Manwich? Idiot.

07:08 PM
She said she adds her own "herbs & spices to make them gourmet." She must think "gourmet" means "rotten horse meat" in French.

07:12 PM
Her Sloppy Joe's were so disgusting I could barely eat 2 of them. Took 4 Crown & Diets to wash them down. Should call 'em Pukey Tina's.

07:16 PM
After supper we had a sit down in the living room WITH THE TV OFF. It was so awkward. Plus I had to crap from the Pukey Tina's.

07:20 PM
Doug made some crack about my t-shirt being "tighter than a witch's butthole." I whispered to Ann, "Oh, like Tina's?" She almost spit.

07:23 PM
They tried to start in with all this counseling mumbo jumbo. Gave us some stupid books. Like you can just read your problems away.

07:23 PM
Ann was a real sweetheart. Even touched my hand once. Man, I sure miss that touch.

07:25 PM
Could tell Ann even thought it was stupid. Went to get a refill and she said, "make me a double." You go Ann!

07:28 PM
Tina started in about me "looking pretty rough." Ann said "he looks just fine Tina. If anything Doug could take some cues from Karl."

07:29 PM
Doug GOT UP AND LEFT THE ROOM. I almost had a heart attack it was so awesome. Had to take a crap break. Broke the toilet. Ha!

07:32 PM
Walked Ann to her car. She thanked me for comin and said it "really meant alot to her." Felt like old times. Even got a peck. On the lips!

07:34 PM
Feeling SO good right now. Dave thinks it sounds like a load and I should let it go. We're takin down a case of Labatt's, hashin it out.

07:37 PM
Dave's makin a DiGiorno, and even cleaned up the pad. Great weekend you guys. Great. Friggin. Weekend.

Sun Jan 16 2011

10:54 AM
Dave made bloody's. Watching the game. Remember this? "Ditka. Sausage. Bearsss." Ha! Cracking Dave up over here!

10:56 AM
Bloody Mary's are pretty much like a meal you can eat all day. They're perfect for my diet. Real thoughtful of Dave.

11:31 AM
Hoo boy, Dave is makin these bad boys STRONG. Goin down smooth though. Almost outta vodka. Can you make bloody's with Tequila?

12:53 PM
Dave just yanked the chin up bar outta the wall!!! Made the biggest crash on the floor EVER! Hahahahahahaha!

12:56 PM
Ahahahahahaha! "Oh my god my back my back!" Hahahaha! Gettin really rowdy over here.

12:57 PM
Serious guys, it was like someone dropped an elephant out of an airplane. I can't stop laughing. So friggin funny guys.

01:00 PM
No Dave, we're not going to the hospital. Gotta call Ann to tell her about this. Funniest thing I've ever seen. This weekend rocks!

03:03 PM
I think Dave's really hurt. Still funny though. Made a batch of Margs.

03:59 PM
Dave won't stop complaining about his back. It's really getting old. I thought we were partying?

08:59 PM
Just woke up from a snooze. Dave is hogging the whole couch with a bag of chicken tenders on his bare back. MY chicken tenders. Grossout.

Mon Jan 17 2011

11:14 AM
Dave didn't go to work today because ,"his back is killing him." Yeah right, way to milk it to get out of a Monday, Dave.

12:18 PM
Dave called and asked if I could bring him some lunch. I'm not the one who's taking the day off! Jeez.

12:24 PM
Had a BIG healthy greek salad and 2 coney dogs (no bun) from Leo's for lunch today. Feels good to start the week off right.

12:25 PM
Didn't get enough dressing for my salad though. Gotta remember to ask for extra next time, even though I shouldn't have to.

12:26 PM
Great, Dave's calling again. Sick of this. IGNORE.

01:39 PM
Letting us out early is NOT the same as a day off. So disrespectful to the main man MLK. Gettin a 6 pack on the way home. It's a holiday.

02:58 PM
Trying to relax. Dave keeps complaining about his back and asking for favors. MLK day isn't about YOU, Dave. I'm outta here.

08:11 PM
Had several cocktails at Chili's to escape Dave. Also had the Grilled BBQ Chicken Salad. That's 2 salads today. That's double health.

08:15 PM
Drove by Ann's a few times. Thought about stopping by, but had a few too many cocktails. From Chili's. They were good. Had several.

08:16 PM
Got home and made a salami snack. Crashed some plates and Dave told me to keep it down. He's still bitching out his back. Borrring.

08:18 PM
Dave's back problem is boorrrrrrrinnnng. You're borrrring Dave. Borrrring borrring borring. Might call Ann but it's too late to call Ann.

08:19 PM
This was a great day for a great man. Going to drink a beer in the car and rock some r&b soul because Dave is being a boring wuss.

Tue Jan 18 2011

12:01 PM
Dave actually said that because I installed the chin up bar, his back injury is kinda my fault. I suppose it's my fault he's a fatso too.

12:03 PM
He's just trying to make me feel bad and wants me to drive him to Ready Med. You don't drive with your back, idiot. Drive yourself.

12:12 PM
Got YaYa's chicken for lunch. Half chicken & cole slaw. Trying to make up for the MLK day cocktails. Still STARVING.

01:19 PM
Ann called. Wants to know if I want to come over and help with my daughter's school project. Of course I don't. But I'm going anyway.

01:24 PM
Plus, it gets me out of hearing Dave pee and moan. And it'll remind Ann how ol' Karl knows a thing or 2 about school projects.

08:43 PM
Think I really wowed Ann with my help on the science project. I did some sweet cut outs of the planetary system. I'm good at cut outs.

08:50 PM
It's kinda awkward with the kids. My son wouldn't even come out of his room to say hi, so that was good.

08:55 PM
My daughters kept calling me "Karl". I thought that was cool.

09:00 PM
Couldn't put any moves on Ann with my kids in the way, but I winked and asked for a "raincheck" when I left. She caught my drift.

09:02 PM
Dave finally got off the couch and went to bed. Couch smells like his dirty behind now. Such a grossout. Sittin on paper towels.

Wed Jan 19 2011

02:04 PM
Wing Wednesday. Had 18 Spicy Garlic. Still comin up on me. Have to keep goin in the john to belch.

02:06 PM
Someone said, "What smells like a rotten garbage disposal?" Blamed it on Ken. Ha!

02:12 PM
Gettin sick of the cold. Daydreaming about getting the boat out. Just me and Ann, a few cold ones and some sandwiches. All I need.

Thu Jan 20 2011

11:11 AM
Man, something was wrong with those wings. Got really sick last night. Really lookin forward to the weekend you guys.

11:43 AM
Had a Chef Salad for lunch. Haven't eaten since last night. Hope my stomach's settled down. I'm all outta Pepto.

12:36 PM
I guess Dave's going to his mom's for the weekend to get taken care of. Got the pad all to myself. Super pumped you guys!

04:25 PM
I misunderstood. Dave's mom is coming to stay with US. I think he should have discussed it with me first. Really steamed.

06:14 PM
Really P.O.'d at Dave. Fell off the wagon and got some Burger King. What am I supposed to do with his mom nosing around!?

06:15 PM
Can't even look at him. Taking up the whole couch. Asking for crap. Backs don't stay hurt for a whole week! Sick of this. Paddy's.

Fri Jan 21 2011

11:31 AM
You guys should just Friday on without me. So bummed about Dave's mom coming to stay with us. Still burned up about it.

11:40 AM
Got us pizza at work. Ate 7 slices. The cheese & pepperoni only, no crust. Got some "wasteful" comments. YOU EAT THE CRUST THEN!

11:42 AM
I'm on a diet and I can't have crust and if they made pizza without crust I'd get it but they don't so this is how it is ok!!!

11:46 AM
It's not like I don't WANT to eat the crust, I'm making sacrifices to better myself, what are YOU doing, sow?!!

12:02 PM
Dave said his mom's coming around 7 tonight. Thanks for the heads up so I can not be there, Dave.

12:19 PM
Called Ann to see if she wanted to catch a flick. No go. She's got plans with the gals. I might just go to Paddy's or something.

03:25 PM
Dave's mom is on her way. I'm on my way too, out the door.

03:29 PM
No Dave, I don't care that she's gonna make "dinner and everything!" I'm going to Applebee's like an adult.

09:57 PM
Just got home. Had a blast. Stopped at Wild Spurs for a few. Guess who's in the spare bed that's mine? Dave's mom. Guess who's P.O.d?!!!

09:59 PM
I just washed those sheets on Wednesday. Now they're gonna have old lady smell. She better do laundry before she leaves.

10:01 PM
I can't believe I have to sleep on the couch. #1 It smells like Dave's farts. #2 I'm a grown man who deserves a bed. #3 Bullcrap!!!

10:05 PM
Dave's mom just got up to see "what the ruckus was." Mind your business and go back to bed! I'm makin' hot dog nachos. (no chips)

10:06 PM
Now she wants me to turn down the tv. I friggin live here you old bag! It's Friday. I worked hard all week. This is MY time!!!

10:10 PM
Man, I am steamed. Goin outside for a smoke. Been good lately but I gotta cool off. Turn down the tv?! You're Dave's mom, NOT mine.

10:53 PM
Dave's mom's been in the john for 20 minutes. This is a nightmare. I just wanna take a healthy crap so I can get some sleep. Sick of this.

Sat Jan 22 2011

12:22 PM
Dave's mom woke me up at friggin' 7:30 today, "Startin some breaky for my Dave! How do you like your eggs, Mr. Karl?" I like 'em shut up.

12:28 PM
Ate my omelette and tried to go back to sleep. Just wouldn't take. So exhausted. Goin to Paddy's to try and relax. Cheat day!!!

11:21 PM
Sick of sleepin on the couch, I'm a little buzzed. Doesn't matter. I want to sleep in the damn bed stupid Dave's mom. Stupif old crap.

11:23 PM
Let's do it big 2011!!!! Sick of this screwin around.

11:25 PM
Gonna do it bigger and better. Gonna make it happen big time. Swear to god you guys. Gonna write a letter to Ann.

11:26 PM
I screwed up. Time to man up. This Bud's for you, you guys!

Sun Jan 23 2011

11:34 AM
Why am I on the floor watching the pre-game like a little kid? Because Dave and his mom are hogging the couch, that's why.

11:35 AM
I'm a grown man! Sick of this.

12:30 PM
Just bet Dave I'd run around the block with my shirt off if the Bears lose. If they win, Dave orders pizza. Supreme.

12:52 PM
No!!!

02:30 PM
Yeah! Suck it, Dave I'm still in this.

02:53 PM
Nooooooo!!! C'mon. This is such crap.

03:13 PM
Dave's mom is asleep on the couch. Why do I have to sit on the floor? So steamed. Go to bed old lady!

03:14 PM
Son of a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

03:15 PM
Dave's mom sucks! Bears suck! Can't believe this.

03:16 PM
Dave just said, "Guess the only pepperoni's we'll be seein are yours." Ass. Jerk.

03:23 PM
I never said WHEN I'd run around the block with my shirt off. Too bad, so sad, Dave. It's freezing out. I'm not stupid.

03:26 PM
Dave's mom said I'm not being fair. Think she just wants to see me with my shirt off. Oh, you wish! Ya gotta buy tix to THIS gun show! Ha!

04:39 PM
Dave said he doesn't care that I won't run around the block with my shirt off because he wasn't gonna buy the pizza anyway. Cheater.

04:40 PM
Dave's nothing but a phony baloney. That's all he is.

Mon Jan 24 2011

11:48 AM
Dave's mom FINALLY left this morning. Overheard her saying, "I'm worried about your friend Karl. He seems to be having a hard time."

11:49 AM
I'M having a hard time?! What about DAVE?! Why don't you judge your own son first. Good riddance.

11:51 AM
She gave Dave $40 for us to go out to eat. He better not hog it. It's for both of us.

12:44 PM
4 soft shell supremes. NO SHELLS. Jeez, Taco Bell, how hard is that to understand?! Trying to start the week off right for Pete's sake.

03:47 PM
Told Dave we should go for steaks with his mom's $40. He "doesn't know if he wants steaks." Why should he pick? I'm the one who suffered.

03:49 PM
And his mom didn't even wash the sheets she stunk up with old lady smell. Gonna have to sleep on the bare mattress like a drug addict.

04:48 PM
Dave can't decide what he wants to spend the $40 on. I'm starving. Just gonna make some no bun Steak Ums.

Tue Jan 25 2011

11:54 AM
Think I got a rash on my stomach from sleeping on that bare mattress last night. Could really use some salve. So itchy.

11:56 AM
Got Chinese for lunch. Beef and broccoli. Those ding dongs forgot my hot mustard. So boring without the mustard.

11:57 AM
Really lookin' forward to Wing Wednesday, you guys. This Tuesday is the pits.

03:13 PM
Dave said we should go spend that $40 from his mom on supper tonight. Super pumped! Free supper is THE best.

03:21 PM
Great, Dave decided on Olive Garden. He KNOWS I can't have pasta. And the breadsticks! Ohhhh the breadsticks! What a jerk.

03:51 PM
I think OG does a good steak though. Forgot about that. Gonna get the biggest one!

07:16 PM
Forgot how hard OG rocks! Got the Steak Toscano. Let Dave have the Tuscan Potatoes. Man, he really put it away tonight.

07:24 PM
Dave went for the Chicken & Shrimp Carbonara. It sure was a nice sized portion. Killed me to watch him go to town on it.

07:26 PM
I must have had 2 whole serving bowls of the "never ending salad." They never saw me comin. Ha!

07:30 PM
They gave me a hard time about taking a basket of breadsticks home for cheat day. They were already on the table! Couldn't waste 'em.

07:31 PM
Figured I had some carbs saved up, so we went nuts on 20oz Bud Lights. They pour 'em real cold at OG. Went down so smooth.

07:33 PM
Bill was like 80 bucks. Guess who didn't have anymore than 40? Dave. Guess who got stuck? Me. Was almost p.o.'d but we had such a blast!

07:37 PM
Felt a little bummed being at Olive Garden without Ann. That was one of our special places to celebrate. I gotta work harder on us.

Wed Jan 26 2011

10:38 AM
Wing Wednesday guys! Just polished off a dozen Caribbean Jerks. Dipped 'em in half ranch/half blue cheese. (my special concoction)

10:40 AM
Seriously, thank god hump day is here. Really lookin forward to the weekend you guys. Workin on some big plans.

03:34 PM
Asked Ann if she'd like to catch a flick this weekend. AND, I think cute gal at work is giving me vibes. Said, "excuse me, sweetie" today.

03:38 PM
Ann said, "sounds good, we'll see" which of course is a yes. I think this whole diet & positive attitude is bringing on the babes.

03:44 PM
I really feel like it's coming together. Gonna do some pushups and eat the insides of a few Hot Pockets. Gotta look GOOD this weekend!

04:00 PM
Pa-nama! Panamuhuh!!! Nothin better to work out to you guys. Really in a groove. And no, I WON"T turn it down, Dave.

04:59 PM
Did 40 total pushups. My shoulder is burning pretty bad. Could sure use a good rub down. Better get that protein in from the HP's ASAP.

06:40 PM
My shoulder is REALLY hurtin. Nothing a couple well earned cold ones can't fix.

Thu Jan 27 2011

11:31 AM
Had 2 coney dogs for lunch today (no buns). Hard to eat with one hand. Using the other to ice my sore shoulder.

11:37 AM
Damn ice bag keeps leaking. My shirt is soaked. Can see right through it.

11:40 AM
This one snotty lady asked me, "what happened?" I told her I hurt my shoulder working out. She gave me this weird look.

11:45 AM
Wish I brought a spare shirt. My pecs are all chafed. The see through part's gotta be distracting to the gals too.

01:57 PM
Was in the bathroom for 20min trying to dry my shirt off. Ken saw me come out and said, "What, you fall in?" Gotta give it to 'em. Ha!

05:33 PM
Asked Dave where a good place for a massage was. He sent me to some scary Oriental place with bars on the window. No thanks.

05:34 PM
I KNOW what happens in those places. They get you relaxed and steal your wallet. Dave has ZERO street smarts.

05:38 PM
I'm just gonna take it easy and load up on the Icy Hot. Gotta rest up for the weekend.

Fri Jan 28 2011

11:00 AM
I don't wanna work, I just wanna bang on the drum all FriDAAAYYY!!! Happy Friday to ya, guys!

11:06 AM
Got a shoulder wrap with a thermal gel pack in it for my injury. I look kinda badboy like Mad Max. Cute gal at work gave me a few looks.

11:11 AM
Ann got back to me about our movie date. Wants to go see that Country Strong. You know how Ann loves her Tim McGraw.

11:12 AM
Probably go tomorrow. Gonna wear my Tim McGraw cologne so it's like 3D. She'll go bonkers!

11:54 AM
Dave wants to do Paddy's tonight. I told him just for few because of my big date tomorrow. He said, "With who, the toilet?"

11:55 AM
What does that even mean?! What an idiot. Anyway, so probably going to Paddy's with Dave later.

02:41 PM
Headin to Paddy's. Dave's already there. $2.50 domestic 24 ouncers. Time to Friday up. Have a great one guys! This Bud's for you!

07:27 PM
Just home from Paddy's, man we had a blast! Dave hit on this one gal and she said "gross, dude" right in his face. Laughed SO HARD!

07:31 PM
Dave's new name is "Gross Dude." Can't stop laughing about it. Hey Gross Dude, get me a fresh beer! Ha! Man, we. are. BOMBED.

07:32 PM
P.U.! Who stuck up the can?! Oh, must've been my roomie, Gross Dude. Ha!

07:34 PM
Nice stain on your shirt, Gross Dude. Is that ranch or mayo? Ha!

07:35 PM
Told Dave he should be a superhero named Gross Dude. He could gross out all the bad guys. Stop that thief, Gross Dude! (Farrrrrrrt)

07:37 PM
Think Dave is getting P.O.'d. Oh, did I say "Dave?" I meant, Gross Dude. HaHaHA!!!

07:39 PM
Can't stop laughing. Ho-ly shit. I gotta go outside for a minute. Can't breathe. GROSS DUDE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Sat Jan 29 2011

12:09 PM
Really hurtin' from yesterday you guys.

12:15 PM
Thank god it's cheat day. Took down a Sausage Biscuit Bowl from Bob Evans. Gotta get patched up for my big date.

01:06 PM
Gettin ready for my date with Ann. Just noticed Dave used up almost all of my Tim McGraw cologne. It's not bathroom air freshener Dave!

Sun Jan 30 2011

12:07 PM
Had a blast with Ann yesterday. Saw Country Strong, which was just ok. But then I took her to Damon's for ribs! SO good.

12:10 PM
Ann ordered a half rack. I told the waitress that Ann already had a full rack, know what mean? Ha! Don't think they got it.

12:12 PM
I got the full rack (cause I don't have one, know what I mean?) with a loaded baked potato. (cheat day on my diet)

12:14 PM
And of course we started with the Onion Loaf. Guys, if you go to Damon's, the Onion Loaf is a MUST HAVE. Real crowd pleaser.

12:17 PM
I stuck with beer, but Ann was really plowing through the Margs. She was gettin sassy.

12:18 PM
Dropped her off at home and even had a few smooches in the car! Thought about trying to go all the way, but wanted to be a gentlemen.

12:19 PM
I mean, of course I felt on her beauties a little. Just over the shirt though. I'm only human!

12:22 PM
Having to go home to Dave's smelly butt never made me so sad. Can't stop thinking about Ann. I need a cold one.

Mon Jan 31 2011

12:33 PM
Monday is really draggin' you guys.

12:42 PM
Got 2 Quad Steak Burritos from Taco Bell. 4 HELPINGS of steak each. Ate around the shells and rice. Probably be the highlight of the day.

12:44 PM
Really sick of winter. Can't wait to get the boat out.

06:06 PM
Nothin' to do. Probably just gonna hit the sack. Had no spaghetti, spaghetti for diet dinner. Which is just meat sauce. So italian chili.

06:07 PM
Why isn't Italian chili a thing? It was actually pretty good when I think of it that way. I should look into getting a patent.

06:09 PM
Dave just said Italian chili is a stupid idea. Oh, so sorry for having actual dreams. Dave's a know nothing asswagon.

06:13 PM
Screw it. I'm gonna pour myself a tall G&T and hash this idea out on paper. "Karl's World Famous Italian Chili." Nice ring to it.

08:02 PM
Think I wanna go with "Captain Karl's Italian Chili" with a little picture of me in a captain's hat on it. This is a great idea.

08:08 PM
Kinda overdid it on the G&T's. Better hit the sack now. G'nite maties from your ol' pal, Captain Karl. Super pumped about this idea!

Tue Feb 01 2011

11:40 AM
Brought lunch from home today. Leftover Italian Chili. Didn't appreciate the comments like, "Uh oh, stay away from Karl later."

11:42 AM
Stupid idiots, Captain Karl's World Famous Italian Chili doesn't have beans in it. The beans make you toot, not the chili.

11:42 AM
That's a pretty good sales point. Gotta write that down. No beans? No problems!

Wed Feb 02 2011

11:28 AM
Ann called. One of my daughters got in trouble for "making out" with some boy at recess. Really steamed. I don't wanna know about that!

11:39 AM
Trying to block it out. Almost couldn't finish my Wing Wednesday wings. Had a dozen hot bbq. Needed couple cold ones to take off the edge.

12:10 PM
Really wanna get my hands on that kid. Trying to be rational.

12:12 PM
I guess the kids are at home for a snow day. Got half a mind to go over there and straighten things out!

12:14 PM
Except they're letting us go home from work. Don't wanna waste a half day on family crap. Plus, the roads are dangerous.

01:55 PM
Took me an hour and a half to get home. The Sebring got stuck like 3 times. Sick of this.

01:57 PM
This is no kinda day for a diet. Making some Eggo's and Pizza Rolls. Sue me. I need comfort food.

02:02 PM
What's all this Egyptian crap on the news for? There's a major snowstorm happening. People just love anything shocking I guess.

02:32 PM
Dave's complaining that the Pizza Rolls were his. This is a snowstorm, Dave. Every man for himself. He's so greedy.

06:07 PM
What was I thinking eating all those Pizza Rolls?! Spending some serious time in the john. I shoulda just ate the filling.

06:08 PM
Dave said I'm getting what I deserve. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. (MAYBE Tina Carlson) He needs to shut it.

Thu Feb 03 2011

11:11 AM
All those stomach problems have me feelin pretty slim today. Really lookin forward to the weekend you guys.

07:52 PM
I wanted to watch some basketball but Dave's hoggin the remote...to watch FRIGGIN FRIENDS!!! Unbelievable.

07:53 PM
"What, I like Friends" he says. What a wuss. At least put on Earl or something. This is unbearable.

07:56 PM
I'd head out if it wasn't so crappy. Sick of this weather. So bored. I wonder what Ann's up to?

08:02 PM
Now, House Hunters, Dave? Oh come the hell on. I swear he's doing it on purpose. I'm making drink. Sick of this.

08:03 PM
No answer from Ann. She must be snoozin. Either that or watching the same dumb crap as Dave. I'd rather be with her and her cans though.

09:20 PM
Now Dave's watching Frasier. Great. What an idiot. Kinda buzzed on Bacardi and diet anyway. Guess I'll just drop one and hit the sack.

Fri Feb 04 2011

11:31 AM
Ain't now drag, Papa's got a brand new Friday! Doodleoodleoodleoodleoodleoodleoodleoodle! Happy Friday, you guys!

11:51 AM
They got us pizza as a cheer up for all the rough weather. Took out a whole sausage & pepp. No crusts. Gotta get my diet on track.

11:53 AM
Got to it first and told everyone Papa John's must've made a mistake. Sick of takin guff for my diet. Let Papa John deal with it. Ha!

11:54 AM
Washed it down with 2 sugar free Red Bulls. Man, I am feeling SUPER pumped. I could drink a thousand of those. SO good.

11:57 AM
I guess that nosey lady actually called Papa John's to complain, they said it wasn't their fault. I'm getting some looks.

12:00 PM
I wouldn't have to lie if dieting wasn't so looked down at. Lying isn't wrong when it's for the right reason, like helping to free slaves.

12:01 PM
Ok so that was a little stretch, but you know what I mean. Man, I'm jacked off these Red Bulls. Gonna do some pushups in the john.

12:32 PM
Chatting with Ann on the phone. Nosey lady keeps asking about the "weird pizza." Let it go you old loser! Talkin to my babe here.

12:41 PM
Have I mentioned that the nosey lady sounds like a giant bird having it's wings torn off? I DIDN'T EAT THE PIZZA TOPPINGS YOU FREAK SOW!

12:44 PM
Drinking another suger free Red Bull to cool off. Kinda steamed.

01:00 PM
Man I can't wait to get outta this dump. It's Super Bowl weekend! Big weekend you guys! Big time. Seriously.

01:03 PM
I swear to god if that nosey bird lady asks me about that pizza one more time I'm gonna flip out.

01:48 PM
Told the nosey lady, "Hope you solve your case, Magnum PI." (she has a moustache.) Ha!

01:49 PM
I'm outta here. Faking diarrhea. (Actually have diarrhea so it's technically not lying). Goin to Paddy's for a cold one. Friday on!

10:52 PM
Had a blast at Paddy's. $2.50 24oz drafts were going down so smooth. So smooth. So smooth. Had a blast. Gotta hit the sack.

10:53 PM
Gina was bartending. Such a sweetheart. If I wasn't trying to make it work with Ann, man, I'd totally make a move.

10:55 PM
Might call Ann. Give her a jingle to see what's going on. She's my lady. Gotta tell her how much I care about her. Ann.

10:56 PM
Shut up. Too late to call Ann. Stupidf. Gonna hit the sack. Weekend time tomorrow! You guys Saturdaylkklj

10:57 PM
Might make a pizza.

Sat Feb 05 2011

01:56 AM
Crap. burned pizza. All smokey. Dave can shut up, no need to be freaking out. Like he's never passed out makin a pizza before.

12:03 PM
Really overdid it. Pretty banged up. Shouldn't drank all that Red Bull during the day. Probably just rest up for tomorrow.

02:41 PM
Dave wants to have a Super Bowl party. That means he wants ME to have a Super Bowl Party. What's he gonna make?! Burnt toast?!

02:42 PM
'Course, I do make a mean bratwurst. Johnsonvilles in beer and butter, plus a secret ingredient. (special recipe) Real crowd pleaser.

02:44 PM
Can't decide. Paddy's is having a $5 buffet. All you can eat. Plus some other specials. Sounds pretty rockin.

04:40 PM
I'm gonna wanna do some serious snacking tomorrow. Have to save my cheat day. I only had a burger and fries today so it's not too late.

08:03 PM
Alright. We're gonna do it. Captain Karl's Super Bowl Party 2011 is a go! (Dave asked to be "first mate". I said no.)

08:46 PM
Just pre-made my famous Bloody Karl Mix. (special recipe) If you can't handle the heat, stay outta my bloodies. Ha!

08:47 PM
Hittin the sack. Big day tomorr. Gotta get up early to start on some apps. Gonna really wow 'em. Super pumped for the Super Bowl you guys.

Sun Feb 06 2011

10:57 AM
Super Bowl 2011 is really underway folks! Taking a little break from gettin stuff ready. Making a Bloody Karl. It's SUPER spicy.

11:01 AM
Been up for 4 hrs getting stuff ready. Cleaned up the pad. Dave's still in freakin bed. This was his idea! He's just lazy.

11:03 AM
Making a batch of my Captain Karl's Italian Chili, got the brats simmering, made a cheese & sausage plate, a veggie plate...

11:05 AM
...some chips & onion dip, gonna do a nacho chili dip, making Lil Smokies in BBQ sauce, and Swedish Meatballs a la Karl.

11:07 AM
Alright, Dave just wandered out and asked if we're having hummus. First thing he said. Like he even eats that weird crap.

11:10 AM
Invited Ann, said she might stop by, but has plans to go to the Carlson's. Said I was welcome to join. That's like spending Xmas in hell.

11:11 AM
Plus, Tina makes all this "fancy" garbage. Hey Dave, why don't you go to the Carlson's for hummus or some other disgusting health food.

11:22 AM
This Bloody Karl is blowing my head off with flavor! I really know how to make 'em. Strong, that's how. Ha!

11:24 AM
Invited my bro Al. Said he might stop by. Man, you don't wanna see the Welzein boys together at a Super Bowl party. We get wild!

11:25 AM
Dave said he invited a couple friends from work. So nobody.

11:27 AM
I hit up a few of the fellas from the old days too. Said they might stop by. Today is gonna rock you guys.

11:41 AM
Crap, forgot to make the 7 layer dip! Son of a b. Gotta get back to work you guys. Su-per Bowl! Su-per Bowl!

01:01 PM
Great, Dave just destroyed the john. People could be over any minute! Stupid idiot.

01:06 PM
What's with the Black Eyed Peas doing the half time show? Since when is the Superbowl for teenage girls? Where's the Stones?!!

01:08 PM
My daughters like that Black Eyed Peas crap. And they hate the Superbowl. Makes no sense at all.

01:11 PM
They shoulda had Sammy Hagar & The Waboritas. They woulda definitely rocked it. Now THAT'D be a partyin' halftime show. Or the Who again.

01:19 PM
Who the hell is Maroon 5? This stinks worse than the dump Dave just dropped. Seriously, are girls in charge of the Super Bowl now?

03:08 PM
Ann stopped by for a drink on her way to the Carlson's. Could tell she didn't want to go. How can you leave a full spread like this!?

03:11 PM
These Bloody's are going down way too smooth. Better switch to beer in a second. Got a 30 pack of Bud Lights on sale. Ice cold.

03:18 PM
Man, I sure miss, Sweetness.

03:23 PM
Alright guys, gotta refill the meatballs. Dave actually had a few work friends over and they LOVE 'em! Full steam Captain Karl!

03:24 PM
"Work friends" aren't real friends though. But I won't tell Dave that. Don't wanna hurt his feelings.

03:25 PM
Whoa, that Christina chick is a knockout. My kinda gal.

03:28 PM
It doesn't get any hotter than blond hair and red lipstick. Hoo boy that babe was smokin. Gotta check out her stuff.

05:10 PM
Oh good. The Black Eyed Peas are on. That means I can go take a Brown Eyed Crap break.

05:19 PM
What is this crap, The Shrine Circus? They couldn't get the Boss? Mellencamp? Seger? Jeez.

05:23 PM
I don't like this at all. Still, havin a blast. Hardly even watching the game. Just partyin!

07:09 PM
Great game Green Bay. I'm a Lions then Bears then Packers guy. All the best, you guys.

07:15 PM
What a blast, Dave had his buddies Rick and Sheryl over, Al stopped by for a few. Had to get back to the fam though.

07:19 PM
The Rick guy has a doobie, what the heck, no big deal. Gonna chill out. Super Bowl Sunday! This Bud's For You!

07:24 PM
Whoa I've I got a buzz on. Really buzzin. Whoa. Super Bowl. Good times!

07:55 PM
I gotta crtash. So gotta get some sleep. dave's friends are still here, crap, havin another bud lkight.

08:39 PM
So high. Crap.

08:44 PM
Sheryl's wasn't lookin good before, but now, man, I see it. she's got a rockin body.

09:15 PM
Dave put on The Jefferson's. Probably the best decision he's ever made. We're losin it over here!!!! I got that Super Bowl fever!

Mon Feb 07 2011

09:22 AM
Feels more like I played in the Super Bowl yesterday than watched it. Really hurtin, you guys.

09:33 AM
The pad was pretty messed up this morning. Got a little out of control. Someone spilled a whole bottle of daiquiri mix on the carpet.

09:38 AM
Dave's friends were all crashed out on the couch & floor this morning. Man, that Sheryl looked ROUGH when I was sobered up.

09:39 AM
Good thing nothin happened with me and Sheryl, for the record.

09:55 AM
Might go take a snooze in the john. Not doing so hot.

12:07 PM
Fell asleep sittin on the can. Legs were all pins and needles when I stood up. Crashed back down and knocked the lid off the tank.

12:09 PM
Made a HUGE crash. Broke into a hundred pieces. Wrapped them in paper towels and put 'em in the garbage. No one needs to know.

12:13 PM
Wish I didn't use up my diarrhea excuses last week. I'm such a mess. And I forgot to put on deodorant today. Sweatin out pure booze.

03:42 PM
Finally home. Dave hasn't cleaned anything!!! I think it might actually be WORSE than when I left. Really steamed.

03:45 PM
That lardo had the whole day off. I did the party up right. The least he coulda done is cleaned up the mess.

03:46 PM
Dave just sat around all day eatin up the leftover snacks and drinkin up the leftover beer. What a stupid sow.

03:47 PM
THERE'S A WHOLE FRIGGIN BOTTLE OF STRAWBERRY DAIQUIRI SPILLED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR! He just put some paper towels over it!

03:49 PM
Can't believe this. I'm certainly not cleaning up. I forked over the cash for the spread. Nuts to this. Goin to Paddy's for supper.

03:52 PM
AND I'm putting the leftover liquor in my trunk. God, Dave needs to take some lessons in having a little class.

Tue Feb 08 2011

11:57 AM
Dave still hadn't cleaned up this morning. Stepped on a meatball in the kitchen and had to change my sock. Sick of this.

06:25 PM
Guess what's not clean yet? And it's WORSE. Again. Now there's a half spilled Doritos bag on the couch. I'm so ticked off you guys.

06:27 PM
I don't know where Dave is, but he better stay there. He's such a filthy pig. And he's not answering my calls. Unbelievable.

06:28 PM
And we're out of TP. GODDAMNIT!!!

08:57 PM
Kinda buzzed off the liquor I had stashed in the trunk. Don't know where the hell Dave is. Really stewing here.

09:00 PM
Threw out a bunch of the dirty plates, silverware, and glasses. If Dave can't appreciate things he shouldn't be allowed to have 'em.

09:04 PM
Buh-bye daiquiri soaked rug. Trash. Sick of this.

Wed Feb 09 2011

11:33 AM
Still no sign of Dave. Wonder if something happened? You'd think he'd call back at least once.

12:40 PM
So P.O.d at Dave I forgot it was Wing Wednesday. Had a bag of Jack Link's and some string cheese. I really blew it.

04:55 PM
Dave just showed up at home. Guess he went to his Mom's because the place was "just too disgusting." What a baby.

04:57 PM
Now he's all ticked off because I threw away the plates and glasses. Technically they were his, but I shouldn't have to look at them.

04:58 PM
If anything he should thank me for at least tidying up a little. I shouldn't have had to do anything at all. I paid for the SB spread.

07:16 PM
Dave said I owe him like $200 for throwing away all his dishes, glasses and silverware. Like they cost that much at Goodwill.

07:17 PM
I think I did him a favor. He should at least have nice stuff from Target. Show a little class Dave. Babes like that.

07:19 PM
And that rug was RUINED long before the daiquiri incident. Again, did him a FAVOR. Dave won't talk to me. Just staring at the TV.

07:21 PM
What is he, a woman or something? If I wanted to be ignored and complained about when I do something nice I'd get back with Ann.

07:21 PM
Speaking of Ann, gotta start planning something really special for Valentines Day. This is a big one. Gotta do it right.

Thu Feb 10 2011

11:06 AM
I'm pretty beat. Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

04:27 PM
Dave's eating his supper on the bare coffee table. Use a paper towel! What a stupid animal.

07:16 PM
Wow, I really polished off that 6 pack of talls faster than expected. It must be Thirstday. Ha!

07:18 PM
Really though, they went down so smooth. Makin a Crown & Diet from my liquor trunk stash. Gotta do it outside so Dave doesn't see.

08:51 PM
Holy crap, Dave just burned some microwave popcorn. Asked him how long he put it in for. He said, "Dunno, like 8 minutes."

08:53 PM
He said he likes it, "well done." It's so smokey in here, you guys. Had to knock the smoke detector off the ceiling with a broom.

08:57 PM
8 MINUTES?! For popcorn?! When's your new cooking show, Chef Dave? Someone call Bobby Flay for a throwdown! Ha!

09:00 PM
Now he's trying to choke it down like it's fine. Oh god this is hilarious. Going to the car to make another drink.

Fri Feb 11 2011

01:08 AM
Just woke up in the Sebring. Dozed off makin a trunk drink. So cold. Can't get warm. Gotta hit the sack.

11:22 AM
Pour some Friday on me! In the name of fun! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:25 AM
Told Ann I have something really special planned for Valentines. Don't know what it is yet, but still, she's in!

11:56 AM
Little sore from falling asleep in my freezing car last night, but still, thinking about cutting loose later.

11:57 AM
Don't know if it's a good idea, but just realized I could be drinking my trunk liquor at work. Just a thought.

01:35 PM
Nothin much goin on tonight. Might just go to Paddy's. $2.50 24oz drafts. Can't go wrong. Maybe Gina's workin.

01:36 PM
Nosey lady at work just asked about the broken toilet tank cover. Uh oh. Thought no one noticed. Crap.

01:37 PM
And how would she know about the men's room?! Oh, forgot. She has that Magnum P.I. moustache. Ha!

01:38 PM
Seriously though, I gotta get my story straight. Might start a rumor that Ken did it.

09:51 PM
Makin some Lil' Smokies. Really over did it tonight. Gina comped me some Jameson shots. Had to barf one up in the john.

09:53 PM
Dave's all crashed out. It's Friday. What lame sack of crap. I'm tryin to party here. Gonna crank up some Small Town.

09:55 PM
This song almost gets the waterfalls goin. SO good you guys. Johnny Cougar was just the best.

09:56 PM
Dave just shouted from his room to "turn it down." Kiss my white butt, loser. Crankin it up!

Sat Feb 12 2011

01:09 PM
Really draggin today. Had such a blast yesterday though. Good thing it's cheat day. Just put away 3 Quad Steak Burritos from Taco Bell.

01:11 PM
I also got a couple of those burritos with the Fritos on 'em. Genius. Whoever invented that is just genius.

04:25 PM
Nothing like a few Saturday G & Ts to start the night off. Going down so smooth. Might head out. Maybe Paddy's?

04:27 PM
Still trying to figure out what to do with Ann for Valentines. Wish I didn't get her that heart pendant for Xmas. How can I top that?!

05:15 PM
I wanna take Ann somewhere really special. Maybe a steakhouse or something.

05:23 PM
Out of nowhere, Dave just went in the bathroom and threw up. Hahaha!!! So hilarious, you guys. What a great day.

06:17 PM
Just asked Dave why he threw up. He said, "Dunno, just felt like it." What an idiot. Now he's eating Toaster Strudels.

06:19 PM
Dave is such a slob. Screw this, going to Paddy's. Got a hankering for one a them BLT pizzas with the ranch sauce. It's really excellent.

Sun Feb 13 2011

11:32 AM
My thighs are all sore. Guess I did some boogiein last night at Wild Spurs. Don't remember much. Need a Gatorade.

11:38 AM
Dave said I came home, knocked over the coffee table, put in Jewel of The Nile and woke him up to say how hot Kathleen Turner was.

11:41 AM
Guess I put a box of Pizza Rolls in the microwave and forgot. It's a disgusting mess. Dave asked if he could have 'em. Jeez.

11:41 AM
I gotta go lay down.

09:43 PM
Just woke up. Really crashed out there. Wide awake, don't know how I'm gonna get back to sleep.

11:10 PM
Gonna drink a few cold ones and do some pushups. Gotta burn off some energy. Really shouldn't of taken that 9 hour nap.

Mon Feb 14 2011

12:16 AM
Gotta get some sleep. Gonna watch some Becker, should do the trick.

02:10 AM
Just can't sleep. Still awake. Gonna smoke some of Dave's grass stash. (just for special occasions) Gotta be sharp for Vday with Ann.

11:21 AM
Super late for work today. Like 3 hours. No one said anything. Why do I come in on time, ever?

11:33 AM
BAM. This is a home run, you guys. http://www.kay.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product1|10101|10001|-1|503897706|15055|15055.15094.19025

11:36 AM
Plus, Jane Seymour designed it. And Ann used to LOVE Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. It's really thoughtful.

12:44 PM
Crap. Forgot to make dinner reservations. Can't get into Red Lobster until like 10:30! Gonna call Olive Garden and work my way down.

12:45 PM
Plus, I still have to run to Kohl's for more Tim McGraw cologne. Dave cut the cheese real bad last week and used it up.

12:47 PM
And I spilled coney sauce all over this shirt. Gotta iron a fresh one after work. Valentine's Day is such a hassle.

Tue Feb 15 2011

12:45 PM
Had such a blast with Ann last night, you guys. Waited until 10:30 to get into Red Lobster but was WELL worth it.

12:48 PM
I had the Ultimate Feast. My go to at Red Lob. Ann had the Maple Glazed Salmon & Shrimp. She's watching her weight and looks GOOD.

12:50 PM
And the Cheddar Bay Biscuits, oh man, they're just the best. Must've had a dozen. Took a day off from the diet. (special occasion)

12:52 PM
Seriously guys, if you want to crank the romance up, Red Lob is an easy home run. And the Berry Mango Daiquiris went down so smooth.

12:55 PM
Afterwards we watched Valentine's Day (Ann's fav), which sucked, but combined with the Daiqs and some red wine, made for a cozy situation.

12:56 PM
I'm a gentlemen, but I'm not gonna say some hanky panky DIDN'T happen. Ha!

12:58 PM
Ok, what happened was, we started to go all the way, but heard my daughter get up to use the john so I had to split.

12:59 PM
Man, it was sure hard to drive home. Ha!

12:59 PM
Sorry, that was gross. I'm just excited.

01:00 PM
So, me and Ann talked this morning, about our love being rekindled, and she thinks maybe I should move back in at the end of the month!

01:02 PM
Sorry to go on and on, but I'm just super pumped you guys. Dave's been getting on my nerves. Timing couldn't be better.

01:03 PM
Don't know how I'm gonna tell Dave. He'll be so bummed without his partner in crime, Captain Karl. I'm kinda the cool one.

01:04 PM
Another thing you guys? Tim McGraw cologne. Just do yourselves a favor. Babes go nuts!

01:07 PM
AND I forgot to give Ann the bracelet and it didn't matter! Taking it back to Zales. Double score! 2011 Valentines Day rocked it!

02:01 PM
I meant Kay, not Zales. It's all the same waste of money crap. I don't know the difference.

02:03 PM
Nosey lady came at me about the broken toilet AGAIN. Get offa my cloud you dumb windbag. Tryin to enjoy my glories.

07:57 PM
Just couldn't tell Dave about moving back in with Ann. We've been havin a few laughs over some cold ones. Maybe tomorrow.

Wed Feb 16 2011

12:53 PM
Wing Wednesday isn't sittin so well, you guys. Shouldn't had 18. Might just camp out in the john and text Ann.

06:58 PM
Just don't know how to tell Dave I'm hittin the bricks. We're kinda bros, you know? Maybe tomorrow. Got us a $5 Hot n Ready. I feel bad.

06:59 PM
Even lettin' him have my crust. Still only eating the cheese & toppings. Gotta keep my bod tight for Ann.

08:07 PM
Dave just said he "knew a bunch of rockers, but they're all burned out and toasted now. Glad I live the simple life." Ha! So right.

08:16 PM
I asked Dave what "rockers" he knew. He said, "Dunno, that Don guy from Flint." Who the heck is "that Don guy?!" Hoo boy I'm dyin here.

08:21 PM
Yeah, can't tell Dave tonight. We're having a blast. That, and he bought the brews. Hate for him to get P.O.'d and hog 'em.

Thu Feb 17 2011

11:54 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys. Only have a few more days of freedom. Gotta make it count.

12:16 PM
Dave got DRUNK last night. Told me a bunch of weird crap. Like, "I ever tell you I had the biggest one in 8th grade gym class? No lie."

02:45 PM
Nosey lady just asked me AGAIN if I have any information on the broken toilet tank lid. Like I'm just magically gonna stop lying about it.

02:48 PM
I'm not some coward she can just push around into admitting the truth. I've watched a ton of CSI.

03:47 PM
Little rainy out, but the warmest it's been in a long time. Me and Dave are breaking out the Weber grill for a few steaks. Super pumped.

04:29 PM
Can't get the damn coals lit. Dave made a run for more lighter fluid and a 12pack. I'm starving.

04:55 PM
Dave came back from 7-11 with 4 40s of Icehouse and NO lighter fluid. Idiot. Balling up newspaper for kindling.

05:07 PM
Whoa, haven't had Icehouse in a while. This 40 is going down SO smooth. Put almost a whole newspaper worth on the coals. Lotta flames.

05:32 PM
Finally got the coals goin. Time to fire up these bad boys. Seasoned 'em up with my special rub. (secret recipe)

06:35 PM
Cooked the rib eyes a perfect medium rare. Dave put his in the microwave because "he doesn't like the pink part." What a little girl.

06:37 PM
Man, the bottom of this 40 is warm and disgusting. Opened a fresh one and Dave asked if he could have the rest of the old one. Jeez.

06:38 PM
So, Dave hates perfectly cooked steak, but likes warm 40 backwash. What is wrong with him?! Oh, that's right. Alot of things.

Fri Feb 18 2011

09:42 AM
"Here's to good friends, this Friday's kinda special." Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

09:49 AM
Ken turned me onto You Tube. Remember this one? Really takes me back. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3oUBaCyXWNk

09:54 AM
Why don't they make ads with real guy's guys in 'em anymore? Who can relate to some idiot on a horse?! That's just stupid.

10:49 AM
Oh, here we go again with the "who broke the toilet tank lid?" routine. Give it a rest you old cow. Makes me wanna puke up my Arby's.

12:50 PM
Great, now we're gonna have a meeting about "respecting the workplace." Looks like I'm gonna have a meeting about "having diarrhea."

01:49 PM
Might have to make it a Michelob night. Lovin this YouTube you guys. This is another classic! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t285hxADyKs

03:39 PM
Picked up some Michelobs on the way home. Skipped that stupid meeting. Seriously, diarrhea, you guys. It works every time.

04:05 PM
Don't know where Dave is. Gonna fire up the Weber again for a couple of burgers, and maybe a brat. Brats go great with Michelob.

06:30 PM
Went outside to light the grill. Door locked behind me. Was outside for 2 hrs waiting for Dave. 35 degrees. Good thing the coals lit.

06:36 PM
Friggin Dave clicked that button on the knob we never use. I'm all covered in soot from standing over the coals. Really steamed.

06:44 PM
Used up all the charcoal to keep warm. Gotta get cleaned up and go to the store. Dave's lucky I'm not dead the pete's sake.

09:26 PM
Finally got the burgers and brats cooked. Gotta wake up Dave for supper. He went hog wild on the Michelobs and crashed. Sissy.

09:59 PM
Dave woke up, ate 2 burgers and a brat with his hands, said nothing, and went back to sleep on the couch. Ever hear of "thank you?!" Ass.

10:04 PM
Screw Dave. I hid a backup sixer in the veggie drawer. Muted Golf Channel and crankin some Allman Brothers. All I need, baby.

11:39 PM
I miss my boat. Sick of this crap. Going to bed, you guys.

Sat Feb 19 2011

12:56 PM
Got a little sunshine today. Gonna fire up the grill up again for cheat day. Making Captain Karl's famous smoked pork chop sammies.

12:58 PM
See the trick is, I put a fried egg ON the pork chop sandwich. Just a little trick I learned on Triple D. Think I do it better though.

01:00 PM
Supposed to meet up with Ann later. But only if her mom can watch the kids. Hangin out with my kids is NOT part of the Saturday plan.

01:02 PM
Went and picked up one of those Miller Lite Home Draft mini kegs. Didn't know anything could go down so smooth.

01:04 PM
Just realized that today is NBA All Star weekend! Super pumped you guys. Might see if Ann can come to our place. Let's do this!

01:06 PM
Crankin up some AC/DC. Let's party! SAT-UR-DAY! SA-TUR-DAY! Had 2 drafts already. Was hungover but now I am feelin fine!

01:09 PM
No way I can tell Dave about moving out today. He'll get the blues. We're having a blast. Don't want it to be weird if Ann comes by.

04:22 PM
Whoa, we PLOWED through that fridge keg. Dave ran out for another one.

06:00 PM
Ann's stopping by for a quick beer in a half hour. Hope she doesn't mind, we're a little trashed. Gotta go clean up the john and stuff.

Sun Feb 20 2011

02:06 PM
Things got pretty weird last night. First off, Me and Dave were waaayy to drunk. Shouldn't have had Ann over.

02:07 PM
Tried to make Ann a porkchop sandwich. Put the coals on the grill and forgot to light them. For 2 hours.

02:09 PM
Finally lit the coals. Forgot I did that, and they burned out. Got super steamed and knocked over the grill.

02:10 PM
Dave said, "What did you do to my grill?!" I said, "suck it, retard." Kinda was showing off for Ann. But I just looked like a jerk.

02:11 PM
Ann tried to smooth over the tension by saying, "so Dave, I guess you're gonna really miss Karl." She spilled the beans.

02:13 PM
I had to tell Dave how I'm moving out in about a week. He completely flipped out. "How am I gonna find a new roommate? You screwed me!"

02:14 PM
First off, Dave didn't have a roommate before. Ever. AND I wasn't paying rent. If anything he was freeloading off ME for booze and eats.

02:16 PM
Before Ann left, she gave me a smooch and then gave Dave some look. After she walked out, he said, "bitch." It was go time.

02:17 PM
Me and Dave must've screamed at each other for over and hour. Everything came out. The bad dumps, the tp usage. Everything.

02:21 PM
I told him he'd be LUCKY to ever score a babe like Ann. And he better straighten up his act. Grossouts never go all the way.

02:22 PM
Dave said I changed. How I used to be cool, but now I'm only about fancy cologne and diets like some flamer. Sue me for growing up.

02:24 PM
I called him a know nothing slob. He punched the wall and stormed off to his mom's. Hope he stays there.

10:42 PM
No sign of Dave. Gonna eat some Funyons and hit the sack. Can't stick to the diet today. Too stressed.

Mon Feb 21 2011

11:46 AM
Back in the saddle. Got an Italian Nightclub JJ Unwich from Jimmy John's. (no bread) See they MAKE 'em that way. I'm not crazy.

11:48 AM
Really sick of people like Dave and idiots at work judging me for my diet. If restaurants make things for it, it can't be stupid.

11:51 AM
Why don't pizza places make UnPizzas? They'd clean up. And I wouldn't have to take guff for just eating the toppings.

11:55 AM
Felt good to be up and around early today. Forgot we had the day off and drove to work. Got a bunch of stuff done. 20 pushups & bought TP.

11:58 AM
No sign of dingleberry Dave. Guess he's still crying to his mom. "Oh momma, me and Karl awen't fwiends anymo!" What a baby.

11:59 AM
I really gotta start looking out for numero uno more.

04:15 PM
Still no Dave. Probably doesn't want to drive in the snow. Gonna make some UnTacos a la Karl. And I got the tube all to myself!

04:16 PM
Also, I just wanted to say, if any of you guys are a president, this Bud's for you!

04:29 PM
It shouldnt be such a pleasure to use the john without Dave makin beef sounds outside the door, but it is. Nothin like a quiet BM session.

11:47 PM
No Dave still. Feel like I could just watch GOOD tv forever! Coach is on!!! Forgot how incredible this show was. Dauber...HAHAHAHA!!!

11:49 PM
Crackin another cold one. Screw it. Gotta take advantage of the good life.

Tue Feb 22 2011

12:12 PM
Really draggin today. Stayed up way too late. Hungover. Gonna take a catnap on the toilet.

01:39 PM
Took a nice 45 minute toilet nap. Got accused of "leaving work." Going in the john is still being at work. I could be sick or something.

03:08 PM
Heading home. Hope Dave's not there. Had a blast watching the tube by myself last night. Dave sucks at watching tv.

04:13 PM
No Dave. That means I get to do some pushups with my shirt off and not hear crap about it. It lets me really see the progress on my bod.

05:58 PM
I suppose I should start thinking about packing up my crap. Too sore from those push-ups though. Feelin jacked. Did 2 sets of 12!

10:11 PM
No Dave. Watching Armageddon, eatin porkrinds, sippin Crown & Diets. Just a winning combination. Livin it up Captain Karl style!

Wed Feb 23 2011

11:30 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys! Took down A dozen Hot BBQ and 6 Spicy Garlic. Had to get in some protein after my workout.

11:32 AM
Spoke to Ann about when I should do the big move in. She said we should have a talk with the kids first. That's just the worst.

02:16 PM
Between the extra long lunch, bathroom breaks, and a fake "run to the Walgreens to pick up my prescription", Wing Weds is flyin by!

02:18 PM
Feelin frisky. Might head out to Paddy's later. Haven't been by to see the gals in a while. Don't wanna be rude.

04:28 PM
$3 dollar Long Islands at Paddy's tonight. Gonna go settle in and take advantage of the savings. The freedom trail is ending soon.

09:55 PM
Came home pretty bombed on Long Islands. Love when Gina works on Long Island night. Gina makes the best Long Islands. The. Best.

09:56 PM
Plus, she's got an incredible rack. Not saying that to be creepy, just a friendly comment about Gina. She makes the best Long Islands.

09:58 PM
Dave was home from wherever when I got home. He just got up and went to bed. Didn't say anything. Dave's a coward about confrontations.

10:00 PM
I'm kinda the alpha dog around here. That's just my nature I guess. Is it too late to make pork chops?

10:01 PM
I guess the difference between me and Dave is: he goes to bed, and I'll stay up and make pork chops. I live above the law.

10:10 PM
Doin a little Shakin and Bakin. I add my own spices, to make em Captain Karl style. (special recipe) Makin a Crown & Diet.

10:50 PM
Pork chops are done. Dave came out of his room & said, "Whatcha makin?" Nice try, fair weather fan. I don't think so. Hit the sack, jerk.

10:53 PM
Dave ain't gettin none of my chops. He can't just expect us to be pals because he wants something. Makin another drinko.

Thu Feb 24 2011

11:51 AM
Woke up on the couch this morning. My pork chops were still sitting there all cold. Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:54 AM
Left the chops by the sink. Dave will still eat 'em like some animal. No need to waste food. Don't think they were fully cooked anyway.

01:43 PM
Needed a pick me up. Went to get a big Caramel Mocha from McD's. Realized I forgot my debit card at Paddy's. Lucky I had cash.

01:44 PM
Got a large fry and ate almost the whole thing in the car before I realized what I was doing. Totally blanked on my diet. Feel bad.

03:45 PM
Gotta swing by Paddy's to get my debit card. Gonna have one or 2 to be polite. Then I gotta start packing for the big move!

07:41 PM
$3.50 glasses of wine at Paddy's tonight. Kind of a crappy special. More for the ladies than the fellas. Only had a quick 4 or 5.

07:42 PM
Got a mean buzz though. Worked some game on the babe named Georgia, just to see if I had the chops. Think I had it in the bag.

07:43 PM
Coulda been makeout city, but you know, got the Ann thing goin on.

07:47 PM
Dave's actually being pretty cool right now. Said he'd help me pack on Saturday so we could get into this Silver Bullet fridge keg.

09:29 PM
Dave just tried to do a mini keg stand. Crashed on his neck. Ha! What a fatso.

10:08 PM
Dave's icin his neck with some of my Pizza Rolls. So much for those. I'm hittin the sack. Well worth the loss for how hilarious that was.

Fri Feb 25 2011

12:58 PM
I feel like such a bag of crap. Happy Friday to ya though, you guys!

03:59 PM
It's. Time. To. Par-tay!!!! Last weekend of freedom, you guys! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZclddLcOYYA

04:06 PM
Gonna pick up a whole bunch of snacks and cold ones on the way home. One last blowout with Dave. Might even get some Jack for shots!

06:31 PM
Me and Davis got a mean buzz goin on. Headin out to Paddy's and Wild Spurs. My bro Al's supposed to meet us. Let's do this!

06:31 PM
Super pumped for this weekend, you guys.

10:47 PM
Me, Al and Dave just got back from Paddy's. Gonna smoke some wacky on the sly. Gotta do it right. Might watch Police Academy 2! Ha!

10:52 PM
Dave is so bombed out on kamikaze shots. Gina was pouring heavy. Knew we were celebrating..on Al's tab. Wish you could meet Al, you guys.

11:54 PM
I justpissed off the deck. HHHHAAAHA!

Sat Feb 26 2011

02:49 PM
So hungover today. Can hardly sit up. Keep having the spins. Jack shots were a bad idea. Goin to lay down on the bathroom floor.

05:46 PM
Don't think I can pack anything today. I can't help that under the weather. Ann will understand.

05:50 PM
Need some Mickey D's. Always hits the spot. Might buy and have Dave fly.

Sun Feb 27 2011

01:15 AM
Ate 2 Double Cheese and 2 McChickens. Crashed out for a few. Feelin better, you guys. Gonna watch some Knife Show. Love a nice blade.

01:18 AM
Little steamed at Dave. Gave him a 50. He spent ALL of it at McD's. Whole fridge is full. He calls it "groceries." Crap for brains.

01:20 AM
My sleep schedule is so screwed up. Can't get on track. Supposed to move back in with Ann tomorrow. Gotta get it together.

04:12 PM
Gonna have to hold off on the big move until next week. There were just too many things on my plate to get all packed and what not.

04:19 PM
I can hardly stand to look at all of the McDonald's in the fridge. Eating McNuggets with the coating taken off for health.

10:34 PM
Can't sleep. My life just feels kinda out of control. I wish I wasn't so popular so I'd have more time to focus on the important stuff.

10:35 PM
Watched the Oscars tonight. Could really identify with 'em. All those people wanting you to party. It gets hectic, you know?

10:36 PM
Plus, there were a ton of hot babes on the Oscars. It'd be tough to live the married life. Good thing I never tried acting.

10:38 PM
I guess I'm gonna try and hit the sack. Feelin kinda down. I wish Dave was up so we could have a good bro to bro.

Mon Feb 28 2011

12:49 PM
Brought a big bag of that old McDonald's to munch on at work. It's really hard to peel the stale buns off the meat. Makin such a mess.

12:53 PM
You'd be pretty surprised at how far $50 goes at McDonalds. Why is Dave such a moron? $20 worth would be plenty.

12:54 PM
Nosey lady just shook her head at me like I'm stupid. I should smash this McChicken in her dumb face.

02:10 PM
Ann wants me to come over for supper with the kids. I guess EVERY night until I move back in. Seems a little excessive.

02:13 PM
It'd be cool to have some grub with Ann, but with the kids?! They don't like me so I don't really care for them either.

02:15 PM
I better let Ann know about my new dietary restrictions. Can't get into that old rut. Family dinners can really pack on the pounds.

Tue Mar 01 2011

01:47 AM
Here's a first: Dave just woke me up taking a crap so loud it sounded like someone blowing up a dead deer with some bottle rockets.

01:48 AM
Super wide awake and grossed out. Might just put on some coffee. Gotta pee really bad, but I'm not going in that danger zone.

01:51 AM
Feel like the whole world is made of poop. That was the grossest thing I've ever heard. Dave needs to lay off the McD's lefites.

11:52 AM
Dinner last night was just ok. My daughters kept calling me "Karl" but my son didn't want to sit next to me, so that was cool.

11:56 AM
I really took some guff for just eating the spaghetti sauce without the pasta. It's not "gross", it's "healthy." Gotta lay down the law.

11:58 AM
I told them to stop calling me Karl. They said, "Dads live with their kids like regular families." Kinda got me in the ticker.

12:00 PM
I mean, I haven't been around much lately, but who do they think pays the mortgage?! Not Ann's eBay business, that's for sure.

03:26 PM
Supposed to go over to Ann & the kids for dinner in a few. Just havin a couple brews to relax first. It's really stressful.

08:16 PM
My son wore a fruity wizard's hat at the dinner table tonight. He kept "casting spells" on the food. I'm going to do some drinking now.

08:27 PM
Plus, with the kids there calling me things like "Kool Aid Karl," I'm getting ZERO action from Ann.

09:58 PM
Dave just ripped one and said, "Hey Karl, catch that aroma!" I'm going to bed with my Crown & Diet. Everyone sucks. Everywhere sucks.

Wed Mar 02 2011

11:40 AM
Thank god for Wing Wednesday, you guys. Been stressed lately. Nothin takes the edge off like kickin back with some wings.

12:24 PM
Just figured out that "Kool Aid Karl" means I'm fat. I thought it was because I like to drink alot. Really steamed.

12:25 PM
My dumb daughters don't know anything. I'm a grown man with a grown man body. I don't get older, I get better. Not like women.

02:09 PM
Family supper again tonight. I miss Paddy's, where people are nice to me. And they have $3 Long Islands. Maybe I should fake diarrhea.

02:11 PM
What are my kids all wussies and jerks!? If only they could see Captain Karl in action, they'd know how cool I got since I moved out.

02:51 PM
Maybe I should take the kids to Paddy's for lunch this weekend. Let 'em see how chillin' I am with the peeps there.

05:53 PM
Already done with supper. Shoveled in my meatloaf and hit the bricks. Said I had some "work" to do. "Work" = $3 Long Islands at Paddy's.

05:55 PM
My son wanted me to play some weird magic card game with him. Whatever happened to BASEBALL cards? This is America, not Weirdoville.

06:00 PM
Oldest daughter kept making cracks about how I'm "winning." I don't know why but she cracked up like 50 times about it. Sick of this.

Thu Mar 03 2011

11:20 AM
Kind of got out of control with the $3 Long Islands last night. Blacked out and woke up on the living room floor with no pants on.

11:21 AM
They must put something in those Long Islands at Paddy's because I got really messed up on like 5 or 6 of them.

11:23 AM
Guess I puked a little in the Sebring. Had to drive to the car wash with a scarf tied around my mouth and nose. Blamed it on the "dog".

11:25 AM
I'm just so stressed about things with the fam, must be why I threw up. Being a good dad isn't really a healthy lifestyle.

11:26 AM
Really lookin forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:03 PM
Thank god it's Thirstday, you guys. Could really use a cold one right now to take the edge off.

04:00 PM
Headin over to Ann & the kids' for supper. Bringin my son a football. This magician crap needs to stop. He'll get murdered at school.

07:24 PM
I gave my kid that football. He throws more like a girl than my daughters do. I'm gonna do some drinking now.

Fri Mar 04 2011

12:22 AM
Got up to pee. Light's on in the bathroom with the door locked. Think Dave passed out on the can. Gonna take a leak in a Miracle Whip jar.

12:25 AM
Sick of this. Sick of living like an animal. Gonna pound a cold one and catch some z's. My sleep schedule's all off.

12:26 AM
I hope Dave's not dead or something. That'd ruin my whole weekend.

11:34 AM
Really got me some Friday fever, you guys! Hope you're havin a good one.

11:37 AM
Dave just called all up in arms about the empty Miracle Whip jar I pee'd in. Forgot it in the kitchen.

11:39 AM
What, should I just wiz in the sink? I wouldn't have these problems if Dave didn't take midnight sleep dumps on the can.

11:42 AM
I wonder if I have to go over to Ann & the kids' for supper on Fridays too? That'd be a real drag. Fridays are supposed to be special.

01:03 PM
Sneakin in the fridge to get some leftover no crust 'za. It's Friday, you guys, nothing wrong with a little snack.

01:14 PM
Peeled off the cold cheese and pepperoni. Made some Captain Karl's Pizza Roll-em-ups. They should sell these to dieters. Be a huge hit!

01:18 PM
With a couple more great recipe ideas, I think I could open up my own restaurant. That'd be a blast. "Captain Karl's Pizza Ship!"

01:20 PM
We'd have Italian Chili, Pork Chop Sandwiches a la Karl, Pizza Roll-em-ups, Italian UnTacos, all the fixins, and the coldest beer in town!

01:24 PM
I gotta draw up some plans for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship. This is a great idea, you guys. Feelin inspired.

02:32 PM
Gonna meet Dave for a couple $2.50 24oz drafts at Paddy's before heading to Ann's. I wanna tell him about my restaurant idea.

02:34 PM
Nosey lady just said we're having a last minute meeting about what happened to the pizza lefties. "We're" not. I'm leaving.

07:25 PM
Got a little too buzzed for dinner with Ann & the kids. The cold brews were going down so smooth. Shouldn't of went over.

07:27 PM
Told my daughters that "Captain Karl is sick of this crap with the name calling!" Now they calling me "Tugboat." So sick of this.

07:30 PM
Ate Sloppy Joe's with no bun & spilled a bunch on my shirt. Ann said, "rough seas, Captain Karl?" They laughed like she was Elaine Boosler

07:32 PM
My son tried to put a spell on my shirt to make the stain go away. I said, "Magic's not real!" He freaked out & went to his room.

07:33 PM
So I guess I'M the bad guy now. For being honest. SO sorry. I guess GOOD dads are all liars.

07:34 PM
Got some Bacardi on the way home. I need to make some of my special Island Coolers to take the edge off. Really steamed.

09:11 PM
These Island Coolers are goin down so smooth, you guys. Dave put on some Buffett. We're really chillin. This is what Friday's all about.

09:12 PM
I don't really like Jimmy Buffett. Don't think anyone does. But the lifestyle is just so laid back and chillin that it's cool.

09:14 PM
I should write some island songs. "Paradise Cooler" has a nice ring to it. Maybe get some bongos. These are going down so smooth.

09:16 PM
I'm gonna boil some hotdogs.

10:58 PM
Almost 2am. Gonna have ONE more and hit the sack. Gonna have a dad's day with the kids and get lunch at Paddy's. Can't wait.

11:02 PM
Oh, and Dave ate SIX friggin hotdogs. We think he should enter one of those contests. It's the coolest thing Dave could ever do!

Sat Mar 05 2011

12:33 PM
Gotta get outta here, Dave's hot dog farts are killin me. Goin to pick up the kids for a late lunch at Paddy's. Pumped for cool Dad day.

Sun Mar 06 2011

01:47 AM
Think I kinda made an ass outta myself tonight. Just woke up on the couch. Oh god I am such a jerk. Such. A jerk.

01:55 AM
Guess Dave bought cookies. Like nice stuff from the Kroger bakery. Technically it's still cheat day.

12:00 PM
Cool Dad day started out good yesterday. Let my daughters play some Katy Perry in the Sebring. Have you seen that babe? Holy mackerel!

12:15 PM
Went to Paddy's. My son ordered a chef salad. Told him to get something nice like the Paddy Melt. Wouldn't budge. So embarrassing.

12:18 PM
I told my daughter's to get the BLT pizza. They freaked out because it has ranch for the sauce. Why would that be a BAD thing?!

12:22 PM
All they wanted were fries and ketchup. You could get that anywhere! This is PADDY'S!

12:24 PM
I did it right with the Irish Nachos. Daughters couldn't understand why they were Irish Nachos. Because they have FRIES, that's why.

12:27 PM
They thought they should be called French Fry Nachos. That's BORING. Why are they so damn boring?

12:29 PM
Introduced my kids to Gina. One of my daughter's asked, "Are you Karl's girlfriend?" Then, "Why does Karl think he's so cool?"

12:33 PM
"Do you think Karl's cool?" "Our mom doesn't think so." "Does Karl try to kiss you?" "I think Karl likes you." And on and on.

12:35 PM
I tried to change the subject and ordered a bucket of beers. Gina gave me some weird look and walked away. I felt like such a loser.

12:40 PM
Then my son started in with the magic wand crap. I went to the bathroom to fake a bm just so I could get away.

12:41 PM
When I got back the food was there. My daughter said, "We told Gina you were making #2 and she could just leave it. Karl makes #2 alot."

12:43 PM
I shoveled down my Irish Nachos, and only pounded 5 of the 6 beers because I was driving the kids, then got the heck out of there.

12:45 PM
After I dropped them off, I went back to Paddy's to try and smooth things over with Gina. Can't have her think I'm a grossout.

12:49 PM
Got another bucket of beers. Then a few Crown & Diets. Then I went to Wild Spurs. Guess I knocked over some things and had to leave.

12:50 PM
I just wanted to seem cool to my Paddy's peeps. I don't want them to think all Captain Karl is about is taking craps. Kinda bummed.

12:53 PM
Plus I ate a dozen of Dave's bakery cookies last night. I'm such a fat, crap machine. Feelin down. I gotta get it together.

08:20 PM
Had to have supper with the fam, AGAIN. Was so hungover and Ann was this and that and blah blah blah, and the kids were blah blah blah.

08:22 PM
My daughter said how she met "my girlfriend Gina" at Paddy's and how she said I'm a dumpmachine or whatever. Had to explain all of it.

08:24 PM
Had sauerkraut & sausage for supper. My son kept saying it was "cauldron snakes." Sick of this. What is he, retarded?

08:28 PM
I really need to call a family meeting about all of this. Buncha weirdo crap from everyone is NOT gonna fly. I need a cold brewski.

10:28 PM
Gonna hit the sack. Dave's watching a Grey's Anatomy rerun like it's serious and keeps gasping. It's giving me the creeps he's so dopey.

Mon Mar 07 2011

11:50 AM
This Monday has a little more funk on it than usual. Really draggin', you guys. Ate a variety pack of cold cuts for lunch. So boring.

01:04 PM
Sometimes it feels like it'll be cold forever and I'll never be able to golf or get out my boat again. Makes me want to run in traffic.

03:17 PM
Supposed to go over to Ann & the kids for supper in a bit. How is "family time" supposed to be special when it happens EVERY day?

03:23 PM
It's like, if EVERY Sports Illustrated was the swimsuit issue, then that wouldn't be special anymore either. Awesome, but not special.

03:28 PM
I wonder where my SI Swimsuit Issue went anyway? Picked up a copy at 7-Eleven and didn't even get to look at it. Have to ask Dave.

08:34 PM
Supper was nice tonight. My daughters had some sort of practice for something I don't care about and my son already ate at a friend's.

08:55 PM
Ann made baked BBQ chicken. I passed on the potatoes. She was impressed with how I'm still sticking to my diet. Just had a ton of chicken.

08:57 PM
Even snuck in a little smooch on the way out, and got me a squeeze on her caboose. She thought I was being silly. Nope, DEAD serious.

08:59 PM
Really needed that. Had a rough day. Havin a few cold ones with Dave now. Funny how I hate his guts less when I have time with my gal.

Tue Mar 08 2011

12:08 PM
I know it's only Tuesday, but I'm really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

01:44 PM
Sometimes my diet gets to me. Had 3 coney dogs (no bun) today. But all I really want is some pancakes. Health is hard.

Wed Mar 09 2011

11:35 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Just powered through 18. Gotta take advantage. Wing Wednesday is kinda all I got right now.

11:46 AM
Never went to Ann's last night. Told her I had to help Dave with some "girl problems." Which was looking for the missing Swimsuit issue.

12:05 PM
Finally found it in the john. It was under a bunch of my Men's Healths. Think I hid it there from Dave. Sounded like a good spot.

12:50 PM
Holy crap! Just realized St. Patty's Day is almost here! Super pumped, you guys! Gotta make some BIG plans.

06:04 PM
Had THE BEST supper with the fam: Filet-O-Fish's & Shamrock Shakes! Not part of my diet, but I guess God or whatever says to eat it today.

06:05 PM
I had a regular Filet-O-Fish and a Double F-O-F. SO good, you guys. No fries, didn't want to over do it.

06:08 PM
My son only had a few bites because "he only likes chicken tenders dipped in ketchup" like some girl. Told him to change it with "magic."

06:10 PM
He started to whine and pushed it away. Told him, "see, magic pretend" and ate his too. Nothing wrong with some tough love.

06:16 PM
I gotta confess, I stopped on the way home for another Filet-O-Fish. Didn't want to look like a hog. They go down SO smooth, you guys.

06:18 PM
I swear to God, I could hit McD's for another Filet-O-Fish right now. Gotta use some self control and stick with my brewskis.

06:26 PM
Dave asked me if I went to church for Ash Weds. No Dave, I'm an adult, why would I do that? He's still wearing his ashes like some ramrod.

06:29 PM
I ate Filet-O-Fishes, Dave! It's good enough. Just 'cause you look like someone put out a cig on your face don't make you better than me.

Thu Mar 10 2011

01:43 AM
Couldn't sleep. Stomach problems. Watchin' some of Dave's "Hunter" DVDs. Almost as good as "Rockford Files." Fred Dwyer's great.

12:15 PM
Asked Ann if we could cut loose later for "Thirstday." She said, sure, just be here at 7 for stew. Don't think she gets it.

12:46 PM
Even after all those Filet-O-Fishes, I'm still feelin pretty slim today. I think the McD's fish must be "good for you" fat like avocado.

01:15 PM
Super pumped for St. Paddy's Day, you guys. It's gonna be a cheat day FOR SURE. One of THE best days of the year.

01:18 PM
Probably gonna hit up Paddy's for the celebration. Really like to do a little bar crawl. Maybe Chili's and Applebee's. Gotta do it right.

01:48 PM
I could sure go for another Shamrock Shake right now. Fightin it off, gotta stay strong. They're only for a limited time though!

01:50 PM
I feel like every day I DON'T get a Shamrock Shake is a waste and I'll regret it later. Gettin in healthy shape is so stupid sometimes.

01:52 PM
Why don't they just make DIET Shamrock Shakes. They make diet everything else in the world. C'mon Mickey D's, do it for the health nuts!

09:07 PM
Was eating around the potatoes in the stew at dinner and my daughter said I should "go on celebrity fart club." Ann sent her to her room.

09:09 PM
I don't know what "celebrity fart club is." Guess it's some grossout show on Mtv or whatever kids watch.

09:14 PM
So excited for Friday, you guys. Can't sleep. And these Crown & Diets are going down so smooth. Dave's not drinking for "lent" though.

09:16 PM
I'd give up something for lent, but I already suffer enough for my diet. God shouldn't be greedy on the suffering. Diets are really hard.

09:18 PM
I just don't get praying and that stuff. It never did anything for me. I always worked hard for everything on my own.

09:19 PM
I guess when I had that heart attack and crashed my car into a tree, I prayed a little, but that was different. Don't need it now.

09:20 PM
Dave should be careful, you should only pray when you NEED something. Don't waste it on crap like lent. You only get so many prayers.

09:23 PM
Sorry to talk religion, you guys. It's a snoozefest. I'm just buzzed. God crap is boring. And Dave brought it up with his lent garbage.

Fri Mar 11 2011

11:27 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys! Got me 2 Double Filet-O-Fishes. It was hard to take the bun off, but still so good. Fish is really healthy.

11:31 AM
Nosey lady started some canned food drive for Japan. Idiot. They had an EARTHQUAKE, it's not like they turned into Ethiopia.

11:35 AM
I told nosey lady if she wanted to send something to Japan, she should just send her prayers. I really shut her down with that one.

11:36 AM
Who does she think she's gonna send heavy canned food to? She doesn't know anyone in Japan. And the postage would be through the roof!

11:38 AM
I shipped a small box to Florida once, and it was like 30 bucks! Japan would AT LEAST be a hundred. She's out of her mind.

11:44 AM
She should just send a check. Japanese people don't want our gross canned carrots. So insulting. They like stuff like sushi & noodles.

01:19 PM
So far, nosey lady has collected a can of carrots, tomato soup, and some Hormel Chili. I might trade something for the Hormel. SO good.

01:20 PM
I asked her if I could trade something on Monday. She said no. Stupid idiot. Japanese people probably HATE chili. So disrespectful.

01:22 PM
If she sends the Hormel, it'll just go to waste. Wasting food is a sin. And I could make a mean coney dog with it. Good eatin', you guys.

01:23 PM
I like to take Hormel Chili and really jazz it up with my own herbs and spices. That's the secret to Captain Karl's Coney Supremes.

01:25 PM
I'm gettin that Hormel Chili, damnit. I don't care what she says. Right is right, you guys. Plus, the Japanese people will be offended.

03:22 PM
Gettin outta here. Gotta go rush through supper with Ann so I can meet Al for some cold ones. I got that Friday night fever, you guys.

10:51 PM
Just got home. Left my lights on at the last bar with Al. He already split. Had to call AAA to get a jump. Froze my keester off.

10:55 PM
Thought the AAA guy was gonna give me a hard time about being boozed up. He didn't care. Bummed me a smoke, jumped me, and split.

10:57 PM
Trying to thaw out. Shoulda got some food on the way home. Eatin Frank's Red Hot on Triscuits. Perty tasty though.

Sat Mar 12 2011

02:21 PM
Cheat day is in full effect, you guys. Taking Ann out for a nice supper tonight. Can't wait for Olive Garden. It's our special place.

Sun Mar 13 2011

02:28 PM
Me and Ann really had a feast at OG last night. Got pretty messed up too. Tried to give her my breadstick, if you catch my drift. Ha!

02:31 PM
Woke up on the couch this morning at Ann's to my daughters yelling, "Ew, Karl's on the couch in his tighties! Gross!"

02:32 PM
I threw on my Dockers and got the heck outta there. Shouldn't be that way. Don't think they understand I OWN the friggin' house!

02:38 PM
Just made myself a really big burger with a fried egg and cheese on it. No bun. Super healthy protein. Might do some pushups later.

07:16 PM
This is about the time that I start to get that bad feeling about Monday. Gonna make a cocktail. Wish there were 2 Sundays, you guys.

10:20 PM
You guys watch these ESPN 30 for 30s? They're like Titanic for dudes. Tonight's Fab 5 one got me in the ticker real bad.

10:23 PM
It's only okay for guys to cry in front of other guys if it's about sports. It's like, a macho kind of crying. Like anger tears.

Mon Mar 14 2011

12:44 PM
Nosey lady just asked, "What's wrong, Karl?" It's Monday, I'm at work, you're talking to me, and I hate you. THAT'S what's wrong.

12:47 PM
I brought in some corn to trade for the Hormel Chili in the canned food drive. Nosey lady still said no. Sick of this.

12:49 PM
I might try to switch lables on the corn and chili. The cans are the same size. Gonna go do some recon on the donation box.

02:19 PM
Nosey lady is about to go take her 5:30 crap break. (been timing it everyday) That's my window to pull the switch with the corn and chili.

02:20 PM
I think she takes craps right before going home to save on tp. She's so cheap. I just do it to waste time. That's different.

02:23 PM
I've got my glue and x-acto knife ready. Feelin really "covert ops" about the chili mission, you guys.

02:53 PM
Got the labels switched. Looks pretty good. Spilled some glue on my pants though. Looks like a gross "you know what" stain.

03:08 PM
Nosey lady was so busy paying attention to my fake "guy stain" that she didn't notice me put back the "chili." Sicko. Ha!

03:10 PM
Off to Ann's for supper. Wait'll she hears about how I totally scammed the Hormel from the Japanese donation box! It's pretty badass.

Tue Mar 15 2011

11:37 AM
I think nosey lady might be suspicious. She put a big sign on the donation box that says, UNLESS YOUR DONATING, DON'T TOUCH. "Your?" HAHA!

11:47 AM
Tried to explain to my kids how I scored the chili so it wouldn't offend the Japanese people. They said it was "stealing."

11:50 AM
I told my kids that there's no such thing as "stealing" in politics. I think it was a good lesson. Sometimes kids need to learn the truth.

11:53 AM
I let the kids know, that if anything, "stealing" that chili kinda makes me a quiet hero. They look up to me, you guys.

11:58 AM
I think they understood when I taught them how Japanese people don't like chili, it would've gone to waste AND been offensive.

11:59 AM
Plus, they won't think it was "stealing" when their Dad makes them up a batch of Captain Karl's Coney Supremes! Mmm-mmm!

03:09 PM
Super pumped for St. Paddy's Day, you guys! It's gonna be such a blast.

03:16 PM
Got my wearin' o' the green! http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/graphictees/stpatricksday/PRD~812092/Jester+Property+of+Ireland+Tee.jsp

08:22 PM
Picked up 4, 6-packs of Guinness for St. Paddy's pre-gamers. Couldn't resist, me and Dave went through half of 'em already. So smooth.

08:23 PM
Nothin wrong with celebrating a little early anyway. Technically, St. Paddy's is a week long celebration in the big cities.

08:26 PM
Dave is pretty hammered. Dancin a jig. Which kind of just looks like his regular dancing like a retard. Dave has ZERO moves.

Wed Mar 16 2011

12:13 PM
Time to start "feeling sick" at work so it won't be obvious when I take tomorrow off for St. Paddy's.

03:27 PM
Headin to Ann's for supper. Told her about Wing Wednesday so she's making BAKED chicken wings. Don't know how I feel about that.

09:40 PM
BAKED chicken wings just aren't the same, you guys. Barely choked a few down to be polite, then stopped off for real ones after.

09:42 PM
Got a few more sixers of Guinness for tomorrow. Guess what? Me and Dave polished them off again. Happy St. Paddy's Eve, you guys!

09:55 PM
Still awake. Super pumped for the big pub crawl tomorrow. Gotta get some sleep. Poppin a Lunesta with a brewski. Should do the trick.

Thu Mar 17 2011

10:40 AM
Happy St. Paddy's Day, you guys!!! May the luck o' the irish be with all of you, so maybe you'll "get lucky." Ha!

10:42 AM
Woke kind of late. That Lunesta & booze combo conked me out. Crackin a few Guinness with Mr. Dave now. Full steam ahead!

12:12 PM
Puttin a corned beef in the Crock Pot for sandwiches later. Gonna work up a mean hunger on the pub crawl. Holidays are cheat days.

12:35 PM
Just had 2 missed calls from work. Was so excited I forgot to call in sick. Crap.

12:50 PM
Had Dave call in for me. He told nosey lady, "This is Karl's roommate. Karl is sick and can't get off the toilet." Great. Idiot.

12:54 PM
Screw it. I'll deal with Dave's crap story at work tomorrow. Nothing can ruin St. Paddy's day. One more car bomb and off to Applebee's!

01:22 PM
That last car bomb came back up on Dave. Had to get himself cleaned up. He's fine now. NOW it's time to get our Applebee's on!

09:39 PM
Just got mome. Pretty messrd up Gottas lay down. Daves passed out in the Sebring. Fine stay there all night don't care. More tomorrwo.

Fri Mar 18 2011

11:29 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Just gettin around. Took off work again. Told em I was dehydrated from "stomach issues." Always works.

11:31 AM
Had such a blast for St. Paddy's. Me, Al, and Dave got pretty rowdy. Hit Chili's after Applebee's where Dave puked a THIRD time.

11:34 AM
Applebee's was sort lame, (except for Dave puked there, so that was cool). Tried to crank it up at Chili's with some shotskis. Good call.

11:36 AM
Dave was buying insane amounts of shots at a time. He was super blotto. It was like we were in a George Thorogood song.

11:37 AM
Dave knocked over a freakin whole table at Chili's bar, then started playing air guitar to music that wasn't even on!

11:39 AM
A few minutes later, he ran into the john. Came out with no shirt on and his pants were all wet for whatever reason. We had to GO.

11:41 AM
Me and Al had to drag Dave to the Sebring. He kept making crazy faces and screamin crap like "Freebird!" for no reason. It was great!

11:43 AM
I bet everyone there knows how we party now. Me, Al, and Dave must be kinda like the bad boys of Chili's bar.

11:48 AM
Went to Paddy McGee's Irish Pub next. Gotta close it out at an authentic Irish place, ya know? Had the Reuben Pizza. SO good.

11:50 AM
We had to leave Dave in the car. He passed out and wouldn't get up. They had 24oz $2.50 green beer drafts. Told ya Paddy's was authentic.

11:55 AM
They had Irish music on, me and Al were crackin jokes, laughin, havin a BLAST. Then Ann called to see when I'd be over for supper.

11:58 AM
Why would Ann think I'd have family supper on St. Paddy's day?! It's a national tradition for guys to hit the pubs. She's kinda steamed.

12:00 PM
After that, me and Al got into what I like to call "The Welzein Zone." Shots, beers, shots, beers... Man, were celebrating HARDCORE.

12:03 PM
Completely forgot about Dave in the cold car. He wandered in, wet pants and all, started to say something, they just puked on the floor.

12:05 PM
So Dave gets licked out of Paddy's 30 seconds after walking in. It must be a new record or something. Me and Al were just DYING, you guys.

12:15 PM
I kinda blacked out after Dave barfed. Woke up this morning with the Crock Pot STILL on. Corned beef kinda dry, but real tender.

12:22 PM
Dave was asleep in the bathtub this morning. He needs to learn some self control. Musta came in after I blackout left him in the car.

01:32 PM
Whelp, there's some Guinness left over. And I have the day off 'cause work thinks I have the runs. Do the math, you guys. Ha!

08:07 PM
Had a few too many St. Paddy's part 2 Guinness and crashed out. Forgot about supper with Ann & the kids. I'm in doghouse city.

08:11 PM
Ann doesn't understand that if there's brews to drink, you gotta drink 'em. It's guy code. Kinda like the Samurais had.

08:15 PM
Ann doesn't understand that technically, I actually DID have some diarrhea. Should be able to get a sick pass on family supper. It's fair.

08:16 PM
And even if I didn't pass out or have diarrhea, sometimes I have social obligations that surpass a meal with the family.

08:17 PM
Gonna try to kick back, you guys. Makin a corned beef leftie sammy. I'll make it up to the fam tomorrow. No biggie.

Sat Mar 19 2011

12:51 PM
Supposed to go to Ann & the kids' for early supper in a bit. I think she wants to have a "talk" about my behavior. Great.

12:53 PM
I don't see what the big deal is. I took off 2 little days from family time for St. Paddy's day & some diarrhea and all hell breaks loose.

12:54 PM
EVERYONE parties hard for St. Paddy's. EVERYONE has diarrhea sometimes. Why doesn't Ann understand that?!

12:55 PM
Plus, why would she want me over all hammered in front of the kids? Getting bombed isn't wrong, but it's kind of a bad example.

12:57 PM
Letting loose for St. Paddy's is an American tradition. Not like I had a choice. I wouldn't tell Ann to not get a Christmas tree.

01:00 PM
Gonna get us a pizza with all the toppings. Really go supreme. That should smooth things over. Pizza really brings families together.

01:10 PM
Why can't wives just punch men in the plumbing instead of having "talks?" It's quicker and less painful.

Sun Mar 20 2011

01:29 PM
Feelin kinda down. Had pretty Weak-end. I know I've had 4 days off, but still, bummed about facing the music tomorrow.

01:37 PM
Thought the supreme pizzas would really wow the Ann & the kids last night. My son used his magic wand to pick off all of the toppings.

01:40 PM
My daughters wouldn't even touch the supreme pizzas. Said all they could taste were the "grody" green peppers. I blew it with supremes.

01:48 PM
I told my son that "a real man likes his pizza with ALL the toppings." He said, "Why?" Like I have TIME to answer that.

02:03 PM
After supper, Ann wanted to have that "talk." I just ate 7 slices of supreme pizza, do you want me to die of indigestion?

02:06 PM
Ann said I wasn't really holding up to my bargain of "family supper time." I took off TWO days for a MAJOR drinking holiday! Jeez.

02:15 PM
Plus when I come by, my daughters start in with the fatso jokes then my son does some tinker bell magic crap. Bad for my self esteem.

02:17 PM
Ann doesn't understand that sometimes I need 2 or 3 days of "Guy Time" to let loose and drink a few cases of cold ones! I work hard.

02:20 PM
I just kept nodding my head in agreement, saying "yes, baby. I understand." Women only care if they're right, not if you listen.

02:22 PM
I don't feel all that bad lying to Ann about paying attention. It's okay for guys to lie when they don't get any action from their gal.

02:24 PM
Plus, if you just lie about "understanding" to your babe, you can get the rock outta there faster, and soon you'll be in cold one city.

02:25 PM
Time for a cocktail. Scotch Sunday, you guys.

02:32 PM
I brought all those supreme pizza lefties home. Dave is in hog heaven. Keeps saying how it's like "Pizza Christmas." Dave LOVES toppings.

03:22 PM
Going over to Ann & the kids for supper, AGAIN. God, families just NEVER end. At least I have a nice scotch buzz going.

Mon Mar 21 2011

11:40 AM
Just had a 30min meeting with nosey lady about "sick day policies." Does she really think people use sick days when they're "sick?"

11:47 AM
Sick days are for going to Tigers day games & boozin. If I'm gonna spend a whole day in the can I might as well get paid for it at work.

11:55 AM
Oh, and guess who never shipped those canned goods? Nosey lady. Maybe she should take care of Japan before worrying about MY life.

12:10 PM
I think if nosey lady doesn't ship the canned goods to Japan, they should be up for grabs. She just can't hog 'em all.

01:17 PM
Someone needs to put a giant Mr. Yuck sticker on nosey lady's face. Ha!

06:19 PM
Dinner at Ann's sucked. My kid kept "flying" around on the Swiffer. THAT'S NOT MAGIC! At least learn a cool card trick or something.

06:23 PM
We had some weird curry hippie crap. Got a Burger King Triple Stack on the way home. (no bun) Healthy food doesn't have to taste like B.O.

06:24 PM
Today sucked. Everything sucks. Sick of this. I'm gonna drink some cold ones and forget this stupid weather and my stupid life.

06:27 PM
Plus Ann is still giving me that "look" for what I "did." That was LAST week. I came to the damn family dinner tonight. Get over it.

06:29 PM
I'm gonna drink some friggin cold ones and Dave better keep his trap shut. I'm NOT in the mood for any crap. Everyone sucks.

06:32 PM
Oh, and my daughters, my daughters kept singing some stupid Friday song. It's Monday. Shut up. So sick of this.

Tue Mar 22 2011

11:30 AM
We were talkin about what celebrities people looked like at work today. Nosey lady said I looked like a husky Barry Gibb. So. Steamed.

11:34 AM
I wish I could just hide in the john for the rest of the week.

11:35 AM
Really lookin forward to the weekend, you guys. Sick of this.

11:38 AM
I couldn't say which celebrity nosey lady looks like, because there isn't a celebrity named, "Barf Sandwich."

02:22 PM
Let's see what's on the docket for tonight!? Hmm, some more work, then supper with Ann & the kids. Great. Why do I even bother waking up?

02:35 PM
I miss my boat.

Wed Mar 23 2011

11:13 AM
Wing Wednesday! I'm gettin 18 today. I need this.

11:15 AM
Nosey lady just asked if I'd stop at the post office while I'm out for lunch to ship the canned goods to Japan and she'll reimburse me.

11:16 AM
Looks like the post office is gonna have an "extra long line" if you catch my drift.

11:17 AM
Doing charity work isn't my responsibility anyway. I mean, I'm all for it, but it's stupid and I have my own problems.

07:38 PM
Ann told me tonight that we wouldn't be doing "it" until I move back in permanently. What the crap is that? We're ADULTS.

07:39 PM
Watch ANY tv show. Babes and dudes make it all the time for no reason at all. It's called PASSION. I've got it. She doesn't I guess.

07:42 PM
Making love is a beautiful and natural thing. Even if you're married and don't live together, you should still mash potatoes.

08:07 PM
Splurged on some micro-brews. These Sam Adams are going down SO smooth. Gonna watch some Triple D and chill out.

Thu Mar 24 2011

11:39 AM
Shipped those canned goods to Japan yesterday for nosey lady. Cost me $230!!! Nosey lady "has to figure out who's paying me for that."

11:40 AM
She says work can't pay for it, but maybe we'll start up a collection. NO. I want my money NOW, idiot.

11:42 AM
I don't know why I agreed to do charity work. Sure, I took half the day off, but this is total horsecrap.

11:45 AM
Great, now she's asking everyone to "chip in for Karl." Like I'm some charity beggar. Makes me look like a cheapskate.

11:46 AM
We sent like $17 dollars worth of canned goods to Japan and it cost $230!!! So stupid. Shoulda just sent cash in a card or something.

11:47 AM
So sick of this. Really lookin forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:20 PM
Nosey lady just asked me to chip in for the shipping costs that I fronted. I ALREADY DID MY PART FOR JAPAN YOU NITWIT!!!

02:24 PM
Why can't she get it through her thick skull that I shouldn't have to "chip in" to pay myself back!? Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!!

02:25 PM
Really feelin alot of rage, you guys.

09:40 PM
Was so mad I hardly said anything at supper. Still really steamed. Nosey lady better have my damn money tomorrow.

09:42 PM
She. Better. Have. My. MONEY.

Fri Mar 25 2011

01:18 PM
Happy Friday, you guys.

01:31 PM
Nosey lady gave me $174 of the $230. Says, "they'll see about the rest." Oh, I'LL see about it. I know about getting EVEN.

01:33 PM
You don't mess with Captain Karl's money and get away with it. I work my butt off for the dough, you guys.

01:35 PM
Tryin to not let it ruin my Friday. I've got bigger problems right now, like getting out of family supper tonight.

01:36 PM
Fridays aren't about spending time with your family. That's weekday crap. Weekends are for taking trips to Cold One City with your pals.

01:39 PM
I think nosey lady is holding out on paying me the rest because I caused $300 dollars in damage to the toilet. Horsecrap.

01:40 PM
If she wants to play games, there might be another "accident" in the john. If there's one thing I know about, it's destroying toilets.

02:25 PM
Ann called. She's takin the kids to see some Rango Tango crap, which I conveniently can't make. Thank god. Might hit Paddy's.

02:30 PM
Supposed to meet the fam after for a late bite at Big Boy. Should give me enough time for a few $2.50 24oz domestics. So pumped.

02:36 PM
Screw this, I'm sneakin out early. Gotta real man's Friday thirst worked up. Take me down to Cold One City!

Sat Mar 26 2011

12:23 PM
Real doozy last night. Guess I was a little over served before I met the fam at Big Boy for supper. Cold ones were going down too smooth.

12:25 PM
Can't really blame me. I had a rough week at work. A man's gotta unwind somehow, you guys. I do it with $2.50 24oz drafts.

12:27 PM
I must've had 5 or 6 drafts before I met them out. Was in no mood for how great the Tango movie was. My kids are a snoozefest.

12:35 PM
Really took some guff for gettin waffles on the side with my Super Big Boy. My kids don't know anything about soakin up the sauce.

12:58 PM
One of my daughters said I was turning into the "Big Boy." Got so steamed. I knocked over my son's milkshake and he started BAWLING.

01:01 PM
Told him to fix it with his "magic." He actually tried. I just got him another one. I told him, money is real, not magic.

01:11 PM
Ann was a little burned up that I on the sauce. It was FRIDAY. It's a compromise. I came to dinner for Pete's sake.

01:27 PM
Might have a talk with Ann about not having family dinner on Fri & Sat. Everyone should have a break from their family. It's healthy.

08:41 PM
Told Ann I couldn't make it to supper. "Comin down with a head cold." Me and Dave ordered a supreme pie. Sippin whisky. That's cold stuff.

08:42 PM
I figure, if you're doing things that you do when you're sick, what's the difference if you're actually sick or not. Same diff.

08:44 PM
And for me, when I'm sick, I like a nice supreme pizza and some whiskey. Always does the trick. And Chee-tos. Chee-tos are good too.

08:45 PM
Why don't any pizza places offer Crunchy Chee-tos as a pizza topping? Seems like a no brainer.

08:47 PM
Captain Karl's Pizza Ship should definitely have Cheetos Pizza. Gotta write that down, you guys. This whiskey is going down so smooth.

08:53 PM
If Domino's really wanted to fix that dogcrap they call "pizza", they should've started by trying out Cheetos as a topping.

09:01 PM
Cheetos are good on just about anything. Hotdogs, hamburgs, bratwurst. Anything really. They just lend such a great texture to every dish.

09:06 PM
I should tell Papa John about my Cheeto topping idea instead of crappy Domino's. Papa John seems like a cool guy. Papa's in the house!

09:08 PM
Papa John hooks it up with the garlic butter dippin sauce. Wish they sold that in a bottle at the supermarket. I'd put it on everything.

09:29 PM
Papa John kinda reminds me of myself. Just a laid back dude with a cool car who likes good grub. Guy on Triple D, too.

09:31 PM
Been thinkin about trying out a new look. Maybe get a cut like Triple D Guy's. No tatts or earrings though. Don't wanna be a copycat.

Sun Mar 27 2011

02:01 PM
Told Ann I'd only come over for supper if we could watch hoops while we eat. She said ok. Damnit, thought it'd get me out of it.

02:06 PM
I'm bringing this 12-pack with me too. If I leave it here, Dave'll hog it all down. Can't watch hoops without cold ones.

06:13 PM
Tried to get my son to watch basketball with me. He kept saying it wasn't as good as some made up "Quidditch" crap.

06:19 PM
I told my son you can't just make up sports. They either exist or they don't. Michael Jordan didn't just make up some crap to be good at.

06:23 PM
My son needs to learn that imagination and magic is just gonna get him a smack in the face from the real world and ZERO babes.

Mon Mar 28 2011

01:18 PM
I just can't handle work today. I'm seriously considering having a severe stapler accident to get out of here.

03:21 PM
Off to Ann & the kids for supper! Should be a blast! Sometimes my whole life feels like punishment for something I didn't do.

Tue Mar 29 2011

12:59 PM
Was kinda slackin on my diet. Back in the saddle. Got 5 Pacific Shrimp Tacos from Taco Bell, no shell. Real gourmet, Taco Bell!

01:01 PM
The Taco Bell shrimp were marinated just right, and the Creamy Avocado Ranch really knocked my socks off. Plus, super healthy, you guys.

01:24 PM
Look out Red Lobster, looks like Taco Bell is makin a move to be the king of seafood. And what a great value!

01:27 PM
Not to be racist, but when I think of Mexicans, the last thing I think of is shrimp. The first thing is gangs, second is Taco Bell.

02:15 PM
Told Ken all about the shrimp tacs. He said he gets better ones when he visits "Cali." "Cali?" Whoa, look at Mr. World Traveler over here.

03:05 PM
Headin to Ann & the kids for supper. Unless I get lucky & don't make it 'cause I swerved into oncoming traffic or a building or something.

Wed Mar 30 2011

11:53 AM
Hump Day Fever! Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Really lookin forward to the weekend.

12:59 PM
Picked up this bad boy to wear on Wing Wednesday: https://www.costore.com/BuffaloWildWings/productenlarged.asp?peid=83&pid=1174404

Thu Mar 31 2011

11:13 AM
Last night my son was crying because my daughters kept calling him "gaytarded." I told him not to act that way if he doesn't like it.

11:16 AM
I've got nothing against gay people or retards. But when you act like both at the same time, you're gonna get called out as "gaytarded."

11:20 AM
I mean, if he wants to be gaytarded, I'm open minded and cool with it, it's 2011. But he can't get mad about being called that.

12:17 PM
Accidentally got 5 Taco Bell shrimp burreets today instead of tacs. WAY too much. Plus side: Afternoon lefties! SO good, you guys.

12:19 PM
Health Tip: Leftover Taco Bell shrimp burreets with no shell just make the greatest afternoon pick me up that you can feel good about.

03:31 PM
Goin to supper with Ann & the kids. Might hit Paddy's after. It is Thirstday, after all. Nothin wrong with a few cold ones, you guys.

09:24 PM
Just back from Paddy's. $3.50 wine special. Lotta gals. Lotta smokin babes. Really smokin. Hot babes just everywhere, you guys.

09:26 PM
Told Dave he's gotta start hittin Paddy's up for wine night. I've got the whole wife thing goin on, but I'm a great wingman. I got moves.

09:27 PM
I musta bought these 2 gals a dozen glasses of wine. Man, they were hammered. Dave coulda cleaned up. I know what the ladies like.

09:29 PM
Too bad I've got the Ann thing goin on, or me and Dave could really cut loose. He'd be a great grenade jumper. Real desperate.

09:31 PM
I figure, if you can trick just one babe into marrying you, you can probably at least score with half of the others.

09:32 PM
I ever tell you guys how Ann had the second biggest boobs in high school? That's how good my moves are. Real smooth.

09:34 PM
I should hit the sack, but I feel like I could drink a hundred beers right now. Super pumped for Friday, you guys.

09:45 PM
Dave's tryin to crash out. He said he'll stay up if I spring for Wrestlemania pay per view on Sunday. Whatever, it's gotta be like $8.

09:47 PM
Dave ordered Wrestlemania. Now he's running around like a little kid saying "Karl, you can't see me!" Doing some weird hand thing.

09:48 PM
I guess Dave's really into wrestling. Never told me. My son likes gaytarded stuff, why would I judge Dave for it?

09:53 PM
Holy smokes, Dave's showing me some of these wrestling gals. Maybe he's onto something. Good call. I mean, WOW.

Fri Apr 01 2011

11:05 AM
Dave had a stroke last night. Crapped himself and everything. Spent all night in the hospital.

11:22 AM
Dave's damn stroke made me lose so much sleep. Really draggin today. And his crap smell is really reeking up the Sebring.

11:23 AM
Really kinda steamed at Dave for having that stroke. He should take better care of himself. Still, happy Friday, you guys!

11:48 AM
April Fools, you guys! Dave didn't really have a stroke. He's still the same old sack of crap. Ann still thinks he did though. Ha!

12:16 PM
Seriously, really draggin today. Might be a "take a cat nap in the john" kinda Friday. Gotta rest up for the weekend.

01:32 PM
Man, can't wait to be in Cold One City. I'm goin to camp out in the john again. No one asks questions when they think you've got the runs.

Sat Apr 02 2011

01:47 AM
Woke up to take a pee. Dave left a major rat tail of crap in the bowl. Super grossout. Wizzed it off. Someone's gotta be an adult.

12:23 PM
Scrambled up a dozen eggs and bacon. Sippin some Bloody Karls with Dave. We're just tryin to have a Saturday over here, you guys!

12:26 PM
Ann called and wants to know if I want to go to 5:00 mass with the kids. Sure, right after I slam my nuts with this claw hammer.

12:30 PM
If Catholics REALLY wanted to be like Jesus, they'd spend an hour at a soup kitchen instead of church. Wouldn't do that either, but still.

02:12 PM
Me and Dave are thinkin' Arby's.

04:29 PM
Dave just told me that if you close your eyes, Arby's tastes like thin sliced hot dogs. He's right. My world is kinda flipped upside down.

04:32 PM
Arby's roast beef is just a big brown beef hot dog that they slice up. My mind is completely blown. I need some time to think, you guys.

10:58 PM
Me an Dave went to Paddys afer Arbys. so bombed. partyin like its 1999,Ha!

Sun Apr 03 2011

12:23 PM
Holy crap, me and Dave are hungover. I wish McDonald's delivered. I heard that they do if you're handicapped. Dave kinda is so...

Mon Apr 04 2011

11:40 AM
Super hungover this morning, you guys. Was jammin out to Beat It full blast. Hit a parked car. No dents, no scratches! No harm, no foul.

12:55 PM
Went to take a cat nap on the toilet. Some grossout whizzed all over the seat. Now my Dockers are all pee pee stained.

01:50 PM
Dave just called all freaking out because we crashed out and forgot to watch Wrestlemania yesterday. Apparently I paid for it!

01:51 PM
I forgot even agreeing to that. Dave said I ordered it drunk the other night. It was 60 bucks! Super p.o.'d, you guys. Want to KILL Dave.

01:53 PM
I don't even really like wrestling anymore. It's just not the same since Ric Flair left. Naitch! Woooo! The Dirtiest Player In The Game!

01:55 PM
I could always relate to Ric Flair. Just a super cool guy with style who digs the babes. Real man's man. Don't make 'em like that no more.

01:58 PM
Stylin, profilin, jet flyin, limosine ridin, kiss stealin, wheelin dealin, son of a gun! That's all anyone really wants to be.

02:20 PM
These pee pants are really grossing me out. It's all dried now, but I still know the pee is there. Dried pee is still pee, you guys.

03:36 PM
Told Ann I'd be late for supper cause I have to change my pee pants. She starting laughing and dropped the phone. I didn't get to explain!

03:37 PM
There's a TON of ways to get pee on your pants, not just peeing your pants. Most people have had some sort of pee encounter.

Tue Apr 05 2011

11:34 AM
Why does Tuesday even exist? What a stupid excuse for a day.

12:18 PM
Supper last night was a nightmare. Ann told the kids about my pee pants. They kept calling me "Captain Pee Pants." Got really steamed.

12:19 PM
My son still has to use damn plastic sheets on his bed. He's got no right to point his finger at me for having a pee pants incident.

12:21 PM
I told my son, when you wet the bed more than you don't, you should keep your trap shut about other people's pee pants problems.

12:25 PM
Then my son started in with the crybaby stuff. Sometimes you have to really break your kid down to teach him a lesson. Really destroy him.

12:30 PM
Sometimes I get bummed out that there isn't a Boston Market near by.

05:19 PM
The best time of the day is whenever I'm 4 beers in.

Wed Apr 06 2011

11:35 AM
Happy wing wednesday, you guys! Even treated myself to a couple cold ones at lunch. Really hit the spot.

01:12 PM
Really lookin forward to the weekend, you guys. Pretty much sick of everything.

03:07 PM
Coolville. Population: Captain Karl! http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/accessories/hats/fashion/PRD~777517/DPC+1921+Striped+Fedora.jsp

Thu Apr 07 2011

12:21 PM
Happy Thirstday, you guys!

01:40 PM
Nosey lady wants everyone to go out for someone's birthday tonight. Deciding if that's worse than supper with the fam.

Fri Apr 08 2011

02:57 PM
Happy Friday, you guys. Big troubles.

02:57 PM
Found out yesterday was National Beer Day. Cut out of work early. Got super shitfaced. Took off work today. Sleepin it off.

02:59 PM
Think I went to Paddy's. Woke up in the living room with no pants on. Just a shirt. Peener and nuts all out. Gotta get it together.

03:01 PM
I have no idea what happened last night. Gina from Paddy's called and they have my cell phone and jacket. Jeez, I went bonkers I guess.

Sat Apr 09 2011

01:33 PM
Gotta take a nap. Dave kept me up all night puking "bad mexican." Dave needs to see a doctor. Mexican food gives you the runs, not pukes.

03:19 PM
Me and Dave are smokin weed. I'm sick of everything. That's when it's time to smoke some weed.

03:22 PM
Kids shouldn't smoke weed. Or drug addicts. But if you're an adult, smokin weed is ok if you have a job, you guys.

03:24 PM
I'm ordering 4 pizzas from Papa John's. Getting 'em SUPREME. My kids hate supreme. They're stupid. Papa's in the house!

03:27 PM
If you don't get your pizzas SUPREME, you suck ass. I'm so stoned, you guys. Supreme. Hahahahaha!

Tue Apr 12 2011

02:21 PM
Just got my laptop cleaned and fixed. Dave smoked too much weed and spilled Papa Johns garlic sauce on the keyboard.

02:22 PM
He got all freaked out because it was the last dippin sauce and started MASHING pizza on my keyboard. Idiot.

02:27 PM
Took my laptop to the "Geek Squad." More like "Barely Got A GED Squad." Acted like they never saw a garlic dippin sauce incident before.

02:28 PM
There's no way I'm the first person to mess up their laptop with Papa Johns garlic dippin sauce. They acted like I was stupid.

03:07 PM
Told Dave he owes me 75 bucks for the garlic dippin sauce incident. He said Papa Johns should pay for it. Really steamed, you guys.

03:19 PM
Dave kinda has a point, Papa Johns garlic butter dippin sauce must cause lots of disasters. Maybe they SHOULD be held responsible?

05:58 PM
Just back from supper with Ann & the kids. The dog took a huge dump on the floor, Ann slipped in it, and garlic bread went EVERYWHERE. Ha!

06:00 PM
Made me feel good to see Ann look like a jerk. Usually I take all the guff. Me and the kids really layed into her, you guys.

06:02 PM
You shoulda seen Ann hopping upstairs with her one dog crap sock. It was beautiful. We started calling her "Ol' Stinkfoot." HAHA!

06:03 PM
Yep, Ol' Stinkfoot Ann, that's my wife. I'll never let her live this one down. Captain Karl's got the advantage!

06:07 PM
Gonna have a few cold ones. Can't stop laughing about Ann stepping in dog crap. Man, this is one for the record books, you guys.

Wed Apr 13 2011

11:47 AM
The key to a good Wing Wednesday is to get 2 dozen so you have lefties for a healthy afternoon snack. I LOVE 'em room temp, you guys.

11:50 AM
Ann freaks out about eating food that got left out, because of some "Food Temperature Danger Zone." Sounds like some made up Oprah crap.

11:51 AM
I bet the Food Temperature Danger Zone is some BS that the food companies invented just to sell more food. It's so wasteful.

11:53 AM
Everyone knows that room temp pizza lefties are the best. The fridge makes it all stale and kills the flavor. And I like big flavor.

11:56 AM
KFC is also best at room temp. If that's considered a "Food Temperature Danger Zone", then put me on the highway to it. Ha!

03:28 PM
Headed to Ann's for supper. Still full of wings. Just gonna tell her I'm on a diet so I don't have to eat as much of her crud.

03:32 PM
Ann doesn't understand that I like big flavors just like Guy Fieri. Tuna casserole isn't very "money", you guys.

03:33 PM
Might try and give Ann a hand in the kitchen tonight. Really show her how I drive the bus to Flavor Town.

Thu Apr 14 2011

11:14 AM
Happy Thirstday! Really lookin forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:31 AM
Tried to take Ann to Flavor Town last night. The tuna casserole went off the hook when I added my secret herbs & spices.

11:33 AM
My kids wouldn't TOUCH the tuna casserole after I kicked it up. Way too out of bounds for them. They just don't like big flavors I guess.

11:37 AM
My son started gagging and saying his throat burned. That's what big flavors do sometimes! I bet Guy's son Hunter isn't like that.

11:45 AM
I brought all the lefties home for Dave since no one could eat it. He destroyed it. Dave loves goin to Flavor Town for money tuna cass.

01:57 PM
Laundry day. Had to go cowboy. Was shakin it extra hard in the john so I wouldn't get dribblins on my khakis. Ken walked in and freaked.

01:59 PM
So embarrassed. Ken thinks I was crankin off at the urinal like some animal. I'd at least go in a stall. Which, I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

02:00 PM
Only someone who slaps it at urinals would suspect someone else of doing that. If anything, Ken's the urinal beater.

02:02 PM
Might just start telling people that Ken tugs it off at the work urinal so he can't burn me on it. Gotta do damage control, you guys.

Fri Apr 15 2011

11:11 AM
Highwaaaayyyy tooo the...Friday Zone! Happy Friday, you guys!

11:43 AM
Wanted my son to try Lawry's Salt on his mac & cheese last night. Freaked out & said I ruined it. He has a lot to learn about the world.

11:46 AM
If you guys haven't noticed, my son is about as exciting as a mayonnaise sandwich. Which aren't bad, but you guys catch my drift.

11:52 AM
Man, I need a cold one so bad you guys. I'd even take a warm one right now. Might hit Paddy's tonight. Puttin out an APB to the fellas.

02:20 PM
Been poundin coffee all day. Gettin my steam up. Meetin Dave & Al at Paddy's in a half. All my rowdy friends are here on Friday night!

Sat Apr 16 2011

12:19 PM
Tryin to piece together last night. Dave just did the ol' tongue toothbrush 'n barf. Must of been a great one, you guys.

12:27 PM
Dave says I got up on the bar and did the Pee Wee Herman dance at Paddy's. He's full of crap. I haven't done that for like 5 years.

01:11 PM
Just put on some Kenny Rogers. Forgot how good it is! Makin a Crown & Diet. Can't waste a minute of this Saturday, you guys.

01:13 PM
Dave knows like EVERY word to the Gambler. It's incredible! Gonna play it again and have Ann listen on speakerphone.

01:23 PM
Ann hung up on Dave singing the Gambler. Like she REALLY had anything better going on.

01:57 PM
Me and Dave both agree; Bobby Flay needs a good old fashioned ass kicking.

02:02 PM
I bet Bobby Flay shakes in is shoes when a real man like Guy Fieri comes around. Guy would clean Bobby's clock in a throwdown.

Sun Apr 17 2011

12:21 PM
Crown & Diets were going down so smooth yesterday. Musta had 15 of 'em. Passed out at 8:30. Sometimes you just need a good night's rest.

12:33 PM
The weather is real horsecrap today. Sick of this. Just gonna hole up with a Tombstone and some cold ones. Wish I could get my boat out.

12:52 PM
Weird thing about Tombstone pizza is, it's NEVER enough. I could always eat more. I feel good about it being homemade though.

01:37 PM
Dave put on a stupid Lifetime movie during the commercial break of the b-ball game. It's about a dead stripper though so it's not gay.

Mon Apr 18 2011

11:33 AM
Really draggin today, you guys. Gotta get my diet back on track for summer. Had 4 coney dogs (no bun). Might do some pushups in the john.

12:23 PM
It's just so hard to think about gettin that summertime beach body when it's so rainy and crappy all the time. Wish I had another coney.

01:44 PM
Ken walked in the john when I was doing some pushups. Stood up fast and cracked my head on the sink. HUGE goose egg.

01:52 PM
Ken started laughin his butt off. I'd like to see that wimp try to do 9 pushups in the middle of the day.

02:02 PM
The Japanese do exercises at work. Saw it in Gung Ho. Great flick. Teaches you alot about cultural relations and crap. Ken's an idiot.

Tue Apr 19 2011

12:00 PM
Another crappy day. Sometimes I don't think I'll ever be able to get my boat out or play golf ever again. Makes me wanna kill someone.

12:05 PM
Supper last night was awful. Ann made some diet food she learned from Oprah. Why would you go on a diet that makes you a fat black gal?

12:11 PM
The only diet worth a crap is Atkins. It let's you have big flavors and all the taste of your favorites like meats and cheeses.

03:13 PM
Headed to Ann & the kids for supper. Gonna show her how you diet right. Makin some homemade unpizzas. (no crusts, extra cheese for health)

Wed Apr 20 2011

11:14 AM
Happy wing wednesday, you guys! Got 2 dozen, ate 17. That means 7 for a nice lefties snack! Finally got my system down to a science.

11:19 AM
Had a couple cold ones at lunch. I don't always drink beer in the middle of the day, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis, or any other beer.

11:24 AM
There's nothin worse than leaving a comfy sports bar on a crappy day to go back to your stupid job. NOTHING. Might have to fake diarrhea.

01:38 PM
When you eat 18 wings and have 2 beers for lunch, you don't really have to "fake" diarrhea. Goin "home." "Home" is code for "BW3s."

Thu Apr 21 2011

09:38 AM
Really lookin forward to the weekend, you guys.

Fri Apr 22 2011

02:04 PM
Whatchu talkin' bout, Friday?!!! Ha!

Tue Apr 26 2011

11:49 AM
Had to go to a stupid Easter egg hunt with my son on Saturday, hungover. Stepped on a plastic egg in my Tevas and rolled my ankle bad.

11:52 AM
Been laid up with my bum foot at Ann's. "Think I tore a ligament."Milking it for all it's worth, really getting the full service.

11:53 AM
Told my son it was his fault I had to go to the stupid egg hunt. Made him bring me cold ones and ham all weekend like a slave!

11:56 AM
Showed up 4 hrs late for work today on crutches. No one cared! I must say, being crippled is pretty great, you guys.

12:28 PM
Ken asked me how I hurt my ankle. Told him I kicked in a door. Didn't wanna take any guff for, "I stepped on an Easter egg."

12:32 PM
Kicking in a door is easily the most badass way to hurt your ankle. Probably happened to guys like TJ Hooker and Hunter all the time.

02:20 PM
Just told work, "Oh brother, my ankle hurts SO bad. Sorry guys, gotta go home and ice it." More like, ice my throat with a cold one. Ha!

02:23 PM
Headed to Ann's for supper. Told her I need a nice fat, juicy steak, pronto when I get there. She said, ok! This is the life, you guys!

Wed Apr 27 2011

12:11 PM
Happy wing wednesday, you guys! Went to BW3s. Got so much sympathy for my crutches, they gave me a free Diet Coke! Felt like a rock star.

12:15 PM
Hope this sprained ankle lasts as long as possible. Crippled people really are livin the dream. Freebies and sympathy are where it's at.

12:18 PM
My son feels SO bad about my sprain. "I hurt Daddy! Waaahhh!" What a crybaby. Still, nice to know he respects his hero.

12:49 PM
Nosey lady asked if I have a doctor's note to be late for work. I'm on crutches! Doctor's notes are for when you FAKE being sick, idiot.

02:25 PM
Headin to Ann's early for supper. Told nosey lady I have a doctor's appointment. If she wants to tangle with me, let's get it on!

02:28 PM
Ann's makin me some feel better Pork Chops. Wives are really great when you need them for something. Chops better have big flavors though.

Thu Apr 28 2011

12:16 PM
Clangin around in the toilet stall with my crutches sounds like a damn runaway trolley. Work really needs to put in a handicapped john.

12:18 PM
I mean, if there's a handicrapper available, I always use it. The space is just so luxurious. But now I actually NEED it, you guys.

12:28 PM
Dave thinks I'm faking because after a few cold ones last night I just walked to take a whizz without crutches. Cold ones numb you, Dave!

12:31 PM
Dave thinks he knows about doctor things because he watches that horrible Grey's Anatomy. Sure thing, Dr. Dave. More like Dr. Crap.

12:41 PM
I told Dave, real men don't watch Grey's Anatomy. They watch that House guy. He knows how to kickbutt, party, and doctor people to health.

01:00 PM
Almost forgot, Happy Thirstday, you guys!

Fri Apr 29 2011

11:38 AM
Get outta my dreams, get into my Friday! Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:43 AM
It's almost 60 degrees outside. I'd almost think about gettin the boat out if it weren't for my bum ankle. Sure do miss my baby.

12:29 PM
Might hit Paddy's tonight for $2.50 24oz drafts...and a little bit of sympathy from the cuties behind the bar. Ha!

12:31 PM
Nosey lady thinks I should be healed up by now and still wants to see a doctor's note for my tardiness. I'm not a 4th grader, idiot.

12:32 PM
Maybe I'd be more apt to cooperate if she'd cough up the dough she still owes me from the Japanese food drive. Cheap old sow.

12:34 PM
I'm a grown man. When I think my ankle's healed, it's healed. Sprains can last up to 2 months. I don't need to have a doctor tell me that.

12:36 PM
Goin to take a nap on the toilet. I shouldn't be harassed because I'm crippled. Sick of this.

03:36 PM
Can't believe we had to stay at work until 6:30 on a Friday. Screw everyone. I'm going to Paddy's for cold ones.

03:39 PM
YOU HEAR THAT STUPID CRAP WORLD?! I'M GONNA GO GET SOME DAMN COLD BEERS BECAUSE EVERYONE SUCKS!! Meetin Dave & Al. Gonna get loose.

09:36 PM
Just got home. Super bombed. Cold ones went down so smooth. A man really works up a mean thirst when he's crippled, you guys.

09:38 PM
Gina at Paddy's was such a sweetheart. Even signed my Ace bandage and gave me a little cheek smooch. Cripples must get all the babes.

09:44 PM
My bro Al had to split early, he started in with the Jamos early and took a trip to barftown in the parking lot. It was awesome, you guys!

09:48 PM
If there's anyone who does upchuck right, it's my bro Al. He DOUSED some idiot's Scion riceburner. Just killed me! Al's the best!

09:50 PM
Makin me and Dave a Tombstone pizza a la Captain Karl. Really jazzin it up with my own herbs & spices. Flavor is gonna be out of bounds.

09:52 PM
I bet when Guy Fieri makes a Tombstone, that bad boy is the Mayor of Flavor Town. He's probably the best chef in the U.S. right now.

Sat Apr 30 2011

09:44 AM
Just woke up on the couch. Passed out before I could get after that Tombstone. Looks like Dave hogged it all down. Really steamed.

09:45 AM
When one man makes another man a supreme pizza, you AT LEAST leave him a few slices for the effort. That's just guy code.

09:48 AM
Really p.o.'d. Some Tombstone lefties jazzed up Captain Karl style would sure hit the spot right now. That's breakfast done right.

11:42 AM
Remember when french bread pizzas were all the rage? Never hear about them anymore. Why quit something that was such a crowd pleaser?

11:43 AM
That's it. I'm running to the store to whip up some homemade french bread pizzas, Captain Karl style. They're gonna be so money, you guys.

11:45 AM
First, I'm gonna have 4 or 5 more Crown & Diets for inspiration. Can't work up a mean hunger without a mean thirst, and some Allman Bros.

11:47 AM
You should see Dave dancin around like an excited little kid about french bread pizzas. We got that Saturday buzz crankin like a hive!

11:52 AM
Midnight Rider! Heck yeah! Saturdays is what that crap is made for! Can't even feel my busted ankle. We are doing this all the way Ray!!!

12:11 PM
If there's one song I could always relate to, it's Allman Bros "Ramblin Man." Some fellas just weren't meant to be tied down, you guys.

06:29 PM
Saturday took a bad turn when Dave tried to do a karate spin kick and fell on my bum ankle. He broke a lamp though, which was cool.

06:33 PM
Ankle's really hurt, you guys. Tryin to ice it down. Not Dave's fault, I bet him $5 he couldn't do 2 spin kicks in a row. Sucker's bet.

Sun May 01 2011

03:14 PM
My ankle KILLS since Dave fell on it. Al gave me some Vicodin. Gonna pop one & wash it down with a brewski. Try and get some solid sleep.

03:59 PM
I'm all fuzzy. I feel fuzzy. Like a fuzzy fuzzy Muppet. So fuzzy.

04:09 PM
Whydo I wear shirts all the time. Don't need ths shirt. Feels good tos just have it off.Gonna have no shiet and another cold one, yougusy.

04:16 PM
Captain KArl's pizzas ship is a great idea. Need to get that idea back in motion/ More toppings that aNYONE!!!!

Mon May 02 2011

12:33 AM
Got up to take a leak. Dave's blaring some crap Toby Keith song & dancing in his underpants like an idiot for no reason. Goin back to bed.

11:12 AM
Slept in. Forgot it was Monday. Just got the good word! See, that's why you don't mess with the USA, you guys.

11:14 AM
Looks like I picked the right day to miss work. There's NO WAY anyone went in. It's gotta be the biggest party day of the year!

11:18 AM
I sent Dave to the store for some ice cold Budweisers and Johnsonville Cheddarwursts. Beauty day. Gonna fire up the grill for the R,W & B!

11:22 AM
Now that we killed Bin Laden, can we please stop screwing around and have an NFL season for Pete's sake?

11:28 AM
Always wanted to be a Navy SEAL ever since I saw the flick. I love action. But then I got married and crap. Otherwise, mighta had a shot.

11:42 AM
Where's Dave with the damn Johnsonvilles?! He'd never cut it as a SEAL. It's not like he had to shoot a terrorist at the supermarket.

11:59 AM
Had a few missed calls from work. People actually went in! So disrespectful. Lied and told them I had to go back to the doctor.

12:01 PM
Dave finally got back. Time to fire up some Cheddarwursts and drink some cold ones for the troops. USA, you guys!

02:23 PM
Johnsonvilles, Ruffles & Onion dip, cold ones, ESPN's on...what a great Monday! We should kill a terrorist every week. Just a real treat.

02:53 PM
No Ann, I don't want to be picked up. When I tell you, "my ankle's too sore to drive over," it means, "I'm drunk and my family's boring."

Tue May 03 2011

11:40 AM
Gettin looks at work like, "STILL on crutches, huh?" It actually hurts really bad now! Don't think anyone buys the Dave spinkick story.

11:43 AM
I forget how boring some people's lives are that it's inconceivable to them that I bet my roomie $5 he couldn't do 2 spinkicks in a row.

11:46 AM
Me & Dave are probably 2 of the hardest partiers in the Flint area. Work people just look at me as the guy who clogged the toilet once.

11:48 AM
I bet if nosey lady at work could see my night moves, it'd blow her mind. Maybe I'd get more respect or sympathy sometimes.

05:40 PM
Supper with Ann & the kids tonight was pathetic. My underpants have bolder flavors than that slop she calls "Chicken & Rice."

05:44 PM
Just realized what I said might be taken the wrong way. Don't mean to be a grossout, even though supper really did suck my rear end.

05:50 PM
Guy Fieri woulda thrown that crap at the wall if Ann was on DDD and laughed in her face! Me and Guy both crave kicked up bold flavors.

05:53 PM
All it really takes is some magic from chipotle peppers, mayo, bacon, garlic, or cheese, and any dish can go to Flavor Town, you guys.

05:58 PM
Still starving. Gonna make some Sloppy unJoe's a la Karl. Gonna take the flavors way out of bounds, southwestern style with a real kick!

07:07 PM
The kicked up flavors of these Sloppy unJoes (no bun) are off the chain! Kinda too spicy to eat, but that's what cold ones are for.

07:09 PM
Warned Dave about the bold flavor of the Sloppies. He ate a huge spoonful anyway. Now he's dumping Palmolive in his mouth like a spazz.

10:27 PM
Too much Sloppy unJoes. Stomach hurts. Real bad. Real, real bad. Might as well just sleep in the john tonight. Not kidding, you guys.

Wed May 04 2011

11:16 AM
Woke up in the john this morning with stupid Dave taking a shower! Me & Dave should never, EVER, be in the same room while he's nude!!!

11:17 AM
Dave is a psychopath sometimes. Why in the hell would you do that. Just wake me up! I don't know if I'll ever get over this.

11:17 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. I guess. Can hardly enjoy it.

11:32 AM
To be clear, I didn't actually SEE Dave's peener and nuts, but the idea that they were out in the same room with me is puke city.

11:34 AM
I played football and stuff in high school, but I was never one to hang out in the shower and play grabass after the game. Not my style.

06:10 PM
Back from supper with Ann & the kids. Feel creepy around Dave after the same room nudity. Gonna head to Paddy's to gander some babes.

10:45 PM
Just back from Paddy McGee's. $3 Long Island night. Many, many smokin babes. Was really crackin em up with my smooth jokes. Still got it.

10:47 PM
Gals really dig a sense of humor. And they like you to go blue. Just a tip for the fellas. Talkin peeners or poop is always a hit.

10:51 PM
Long Islands were going down so smooth, you guys. Good thing tomorrow's Friday. Gonna lie down on my face and wait out the spins.

Thu May 05 2011

11:36 AM
Bad news, today isn't Friday. Was really bummed. Thought it was. Good news: it's Cinco de Mayo AND on a Thirstday! Super pumped, you guys.

11:39 AM
So excited to whip up a batch of my World Famous Cap'n Karl's Special Recipe Margs I can hardly sit still at work. I make THE best margs.

11:44 AM
Went for Taco Bell today. Got 5 Grilled Steak Soft Tacs. Kept it simple for that authentic mexican taste in honor of the celebration.

12:00 PM
Cinco de Mayo is a special day when Mexicans put their guns & knives down to celebrate a proud heritage of eats & drinks.

12:16 PM
Always admired the Mexican people. They love big flavors, cold ones, & takin it easy. If I was Mexican, it'd be Cinco De Mayo everyday.

12:17 PM
Work didn't even do ANYTHING for the celebration. So disrespectful to the Mexican people on their biggest day of the year, you guys.

01:14 PM
Ann just called to say she's making Taco Salad for supper. No es muy bueno. I gotta get home to make my margs!

01:16 PM
Taco Salad doesn't have that authentic bold flavor I crave. Plus, Mexicans didn't invent it until like 1983.

03:31 PM
Told Ann, "Sorry babe. Can't come by tonight. Dave planned a big fiesta and I can't let down my main man." Yeah right he did. Ha!

03:34 PM
I wish Chi Chi's was still open. They had incredible Wet Burritos. And the fried ice cream was top notch. They always did the Cinco right.

03:38 PM
Headin home. Gotta stop off for marg mixins and Dos Equis. I bet The Most Interesting Man In The World can't top my special margs.

03:41 PM
I don't always use the term, "booze taste sensation," but when I do, I'm probably talkin about Cap'n Karl's Special Muy Bueno Margs.

03:51 PM
Dave wants to head to Don Pablo's later. He said, "the saucy latinos will all be horned up." Hope he meant "latinas." I worry about him.

07:14 PM
Time for margo numero quatro. Crankin up the Santana. Just pure smoothness all around, you guys. Even made some of my big flavor guac!

11:24 PM
/really took it to the limmit. siesta timeyoug uys,

Fri May 06 2011

09:48 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys. Happy Friday to ya.

09:50 AM
I don't know how Mexicans party like that everyday. Just such a mess. Goin to take a nap on the toilet.

12:54 PM
Holy crap. Just woke up in the john. So dehydrated. Crutches and leg cramps are a bad combo. Crashed into the water cooler. Hurtin bad.

03:18 PM
Headin home finally. Really need some r&r. And a big bag of goddamn Wendy's. LARGE Frosty. I don't feel healthy, really need a boost.

04:57 PM
Wendy's really hit the spot. Took down 4 Jr. Bacons, Large Frosty, 2, 5 Pc. Spicy Chicken Nuggs, and a large fry. Lettin it settle.

05:00 PM
Gotta tell you guys, Wendy's Natural Cut Fries are just dynamite. They're always fresh. You'd have to be a real assclown not to like 'em.

05:02 PM
Feelin alot better. Screw it, I'm headin to Cold One City. Why fight it? Friday on, you guys! Just gonna take a quick Wendy's b.m. first.

Sat May 07 2011

11:04 AM
Woke up to Dave blaring Foreigner's "Urgent". I'd be steamed, but a good song is a great way to start the day. I got that Satur Day Fever.

02:17 PM
Snoozin on and off. Sippin cold ones. Tigers are winning. It'd just be the perfect day if Dave could quit rippin egg salad farts.

02:45 PM
I TOLD Dave to not to play gas roulette. Really messed himself. Nothin sadder than a grown man crappin himself on his day off.

Sun May 08 2011

02:49 PM
Just relaxin watchin' some hoops. Really chillin' out. Gotta love a do nothing Sunday, you guys.

05:10 PM
Me & Dave are takin out the KFC $10 bucket. Got half grilled to keep it healthy, but Dave is DRINKING a gravy, so it's a wash.

05:26 PM
Holy crap. Just realized it's mother's day. Gonna watch the end of the game and head over to Ann's. Probably hit 7-11 for some gifts.

Mon May 09 2011

11:14 AM
Really went all out for Mom's day. Got Ann a chocolate rose, giant novelty card, and a copy of Date Night, from 7-11!

11:16 AM
Sometimes, simple, thoughtful gifts are the best. No need for fancy Zales jewelry. 7-11 does Mom's day just fine, you guys.

11:17 AM
And, because I didn't show up to Ann's until 10:00 last night, without a phone call or anything, she thought it was a huge surprise!

11:18 AM
Ann wouldn't hardly talk to me. I think she was kinda choked up from my thoughtfulness. Captain Karl knows how to treat the ladies.

11:20 AM
Plus, when you go to 7-11 for Mom's day gifts, you can get yourself a Chili Cheese Big Bite as a reward. They're such a classic.

03:41 PM
Headin over for supper with Ann & the kids. I bet she's still ridin high off my Mom's day gifts. Tip: 7-11, never forget, for great gifts.

07:54 PM
I stand corrected. Ann's pretty steamed about the 7-11 gifts. Keeps doing that fake crazy smile and sayin,"Oh, everything's fine, Karl."

07:56 PM
Oh, SO SORRY I didn't go to Zales. What ever happened to, "it's the thought that counts?" Women can be so petty.

Tue May 10 2011

11:21 AM
Tuesday? More like, Monday Part 2: Poop Patrol. Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:53 AM
It's supposed to rain and thunderstorm all weekend. Never gonna get my boat out. Never gonna golf. So sick of this crap

11:57 AM
Last night Ann showed me her homemade Mom's Day cards from the kids. Homemade cards just say you were too thoughtless to go to the store.

02:49 PM
Thinkin about really wowing Ann with a gift "that I ordered but it arrived late." Really make her feel terrible about how generous I am.

Wed May 11 2011

10:18 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Took out 18 Caribbean Jerks. Loaded with island spices, it's just an exotic, delicious sauce. Big flavor.

10:51 AM
Ann is still doing the crazy weird fake smile thing and being overly fake nice to me like I'm stupid. Really getting old. Sick of this.

10:58 AM
Gonna get this to shut Ann up about Mom's Day. She loves that crappy show. http://www.zales.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3574802&kpc=1

11:11 AM
7-11 should sell jewelry. It'd really make gift giving for special occasions a lot more convenient. Might make a call with the idea.

11:35 PM
Gave Ann the Cougar necklace. She thought it was a joke. Really hurt my feelings. Drinking them away. Far, far, away.

11:37 PM
NEVER try and do nice things without expecting the chance of feelin down when you're not appreciated. Can't sleep. So bummed.

11:38 PM
Cougartown is Ann's favorite show. It was a COUGAR necklace from ZALES. What woman wouldn't swoon over such a perfect gift? Ann.

11:40 PM
So sick of this. Hanging out in Cold One City, where no one judges, and everyone's your pal, even if you're all alone.

Thu May 12 2011

11:04 AM
Happy Thirstday, you guys. Really draggin my behind today. Stayed up way too late. Too many cold ones. Might be a toilet nap kinda day.

11:17 AM
My bro Al just rang. Wants to go to the Tiger game on Saturday. Look out Comerica, the Welzein bad boys are comin! Super pumped, you guys.

11:22 AM
Really lookin forward to the weekend, you guys. Roadies on the way to Comerica, dogs and cold ones. Can't wait can't wait!

11:26 AM
It's ok to drink while you're driving to a sporting event or a concert. But only if you're an adult with a cool car or a conversion van.

12:55 PM
Ken said he can hook up me & Al with some Cuban stoagies for the Tigers trip. Haven't had one in forever. They're just the best.

12:58 PM
Nothin like cruisin down I-75 with big G&T roadie, a fat Cuban cigar, and rockin some Allman Bros with the top down on the Sebring.

01:02 PM
Cubans love big flavors, sandwiches, cigars and baseball. The ones that aren't drug dealers are really good people, you guys.

Fri May 13 2011

12:48 PM
And we're buyyyyying, a stairway, to Fridaaaayyyyyyy!! Happy Friday, to ya, you guys! Suped pumped for the weekend.

03:45 PM
Had to stay late at work. Sick of this crap. Don't care if my stuff isn't finished. I'm going to Paddy's aka Cold One City. Friday on!

09:40 PM
Just back fromm Paddy's. had soem drinlks. Can't wait to see the tigs tomrorrow! F33l the roar! Gonna make a bureet.

09:42 PM
Melting some american onn turkey iion a burrtirito shell with otsauce! Big glflavoeres, you gurs!!!!

09:45 PM
Screw ut, Im amkine a stupid crap,Dave, Love you ugys. shit i love you ghusy. greatt fridaay. FRIDAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!!!!!

09:51 PM
Dmnit. Stupid keyboasd is alll stickcky. DAve spilled pepsi on it. so hrad to type. doine all i can here.

Sat May 14 2011

12:19 PM
Gettin a late start. Pretty banged up from partyin so hard. Kinda crappy out. Headin to Comerica anyway. Makin some tall G&T roadies!

12:20 PM
The secret to a good G&T roadie is to put it in a Slurpee cup. Just a little tip my bro Al taught me. Really fools the cops. Ha!

Sun May 15 2011

11:31 AM
Really had a blast with Al at the Tigs game yesterday. Daiquiri's were in full order. Went down SO smooth. Musta had 8 of 'em by the 5th.

11:33 AM
Me and Al sat behind some loudmouth Royals fans. Al told 'em to "suck my ass" about hundred times. Al'd be great at a Friar's roast.

11:37 AM
When they turned around, I told the loudmouths "you don't want a piece of the Welzein bad boys!" Then we high fived and they left. Ha!

11:39 AM
Probably the best part of the day was when I got a "Let's Go Tigers!" chant going in the bathroom. Really felt on top of the world.

11:50 AM
I usually don't like to overdo it, but it's kind of a tradition to get REALLY bombed at a baseball game. Plus, it amps up the excitement.

11:52 AM
Al bet me $5 I couldn't eat 6 hot dogs. Cost me almost $40, didn't think of that. But I did it anyway. A bets a bet, you guys.

11:59 AM
After we were asked to leave the game for some reason I still don't remember, we hit Cheli's Chili Bar. It's the best for afties.

12:01 PM
Cheli's might be the best sports bar in the country. Their homemade chili is out of bounds with big flavor...

12:04 PM
...and their 14 hour house smoked pulled pork and brisket are so tender you could eat it all day with an ice cream scoop.

12:07 PM
Me & Al started off with Fried Canadian Rib Tips. Really off the chain. Then we went for the Cheli's Chili Nachos. Just dynamite.

12:19 PM
What really took me to Flavor Town, was the Cheli's Chili 4-Way. Chili & fixins OVER spaghetti! So money, you guys. Guy would go bananas!

12:33 PM
Took down about 8 more Labatt's, that's when Al broke the toilet and we had to leave. Cheli's Chili Bar is just the best.

12:36 PM
Got about half way home, but decided to drink responsibly. Pulled off on Big Beaver road & slept in the Sebring at the Drury Inn.

12:38 PM
Nothing like a nap in your car in a motel parking lot to get yourself refreshed for a safe drive home when you've been drinkin all day.

12:42 PM
I was KILLIN Al with my "chili bombs" in the car. Windows, up, heat blasting. Nothin like hotboxing your bro. Ha! Then he puked. Felt bad.

12:45 PM
Sometimes you can take a beef joke too far, you guys. Remember, the gag's over when someone upchucks in your Sebring.

12:46 PM
Just realized I left my debit card at Cheli's. Waitress should have said something when we were running out after breaking the toilet.

07:05 PM
Watchin the b-ball game. Made a Deep Dish DiGiorno pie. Real authentic Chicago taste, you guys. Da...Bulls da Bulls da Bulls da Bulls! Ha!

07:07 PM
Dave keeps doin his Chris Farley Chicago guy impression. SO funny. He should seriously try out for Saturday Night Live.

Mon May 16 2011

11:23 AM
Gettin back on a health kick. Ate JUST the insides of 3 Taco Bell Beefy Melt Burritos. Startin the week off right. Beach season's comin.

01:10 PM
My guts are all in knots from eating the insides of those Beefy Melty Burreets. Happens when you take time off from a healthy diet.

01:14 PM
I wouldn't say I'm "breaking" wind. More like I'm "smashing it to bits with a wrecking ball." Keep having to go outside to "get some air."

01:16 PM
I heard dirty hippies always have problems beefing from their health food. Only they think it's natural instead of just plain disgusting.

01:18 PM
God this is terrible. Can't hardly stand to be around myself. Maybe I just need to force out a healthy bm. Really grunt out the sucker.

03:21 PM
Really pulled my back gruntin in the john. Headin to Ann's for supper. Gonna have to eat on the couch though. Tryin to be optimistic.

Tue May 17 2011

12:09 PM
Last night, kids were asking why I had to have supper on the couch. Ann told 'em it's because I "pooped my back out." Really unnecessary.

12:12 PM
It started an hour long conversation about "how" and "why" I could poop my back out. Made me feel like an idiot. Families can be cruel.

12:18 PM
My son kept asking "how big are Daddy's b.m.s?" I told him that's personal, private information and he was rude to ask. He needs manners.

07:45 PM
Havin a few cold ones. Tryin to relax. Supper was crap. Work was crap. Wife is crap. Kids are crap. Everything's crap but these cold ones.

Wed May 18 2011

11:11 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Kept it light with a dozen Hot BBQ. Feelin kinda down. Plus, I'm really chasin that beach body.

11:21 AM
BW3's didn't have any LITE blue cheese. Got super P.O'd. Feel like the world is against healthy guys like me tryin to get in shape.

12:55 PM
Heard my man Arnold had a breakup with that news gal. Must be hard on him. Always seemed like a tough guy with a good heart. I can relate.

12:59 PM
I'd love to sit down with Arnold for a cold one, just talkin life and love. Hey pal, if you're ever around my way, first one's on me.

01:07 PM
Relationships are tough. But when you find a special gal, you gotta just drag it out even if neither of you are happy. That's what love is.

Thu May 19 2011

10:55 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:22 AM
Got 6 pieces of Kentucky GRILLED Chicken for lunch today. Gonna look SO good this summer. Can't wait for Ann to see me in my trunks.

02:14 PM
Might hit $3.50 wine night at Paddy's tonight. Watched that Sideways movie the other day. Babes dig connoisseurs of fine wines.

Fri May 20 2011

10:09 AM
Rest in peace, Macho Man Randy Savage. Sad Friday, you guys. Everyone crack open a cold one for the champ. Show some respect. Dig it!

11:13 AM
Really bummed. Treated myself to the Smokehouse Chicken Stack and a few Sam Adams at Applebee's. Isn't sittin well. Too sad I guess.

11:20 AM
The Sizzling Smokehouse Chicken Stack is Chicken breast seasoned with BBQ spices then topped with shaved ham, Applewood smoked bacon...

11:20 AM
... and melted cheddar cheese. Served atop two corn cakes with a BBQ demi-glaze and a side of cheesy corn. How'd they screw THAT up?!

11:22 AM
Eatin good in the neighborhood? More like throwin up hard in the parking lot.

11:52 AM
Nosey lady asked why I'm bummed. Told her about Randy. She said, "oh c'mon, the Slim Jim guy?!" So steamed. I'm leaving. Stupid idiot sow.

12:01 PM
Friday on, you guys. Let's have a proper weekend for the Macho Man. A TRUE American hero. Work can kiss my white butt. I'm outta here.

Sat May 21 2011

12:06 PM
Really hurtin. Went all out last night for Randy. Celebrating and mourning are kinda the same thing when you're a true American.

12:21 PM
My phone is all smashed to pieces. Jumped off the couch to do a Macho elbow drop on Dave last night, had it in my pocket. HUGE bruise.

Sun May 22 2011

03:34 PM
Watchin True Lies. Whoa, Jamie Lee Curtis is SMOKIN hot! Too bad I heard she has a peener. Incredible cans though. She's a knockout.

04:31 PM
Big fight w/ Dave. He said it was queer to like Jamie Lee Curtis 'cause of her peen. Sweet cans make up for a peen you won't see anyway!

05:08 PM
Boy, I sure am drunk, you guys. Whoops. Sometimes accidents happen for no reason on Sundays.

05:10 PM
Sunday cold ones go down so smooth when it's crappy outside and you're arguing about Jamie Lee Curtis' sweet, sweet cans.

Mon May 23 2011

01:36 PM
Tried to start the week right with a $5 Subway Footlong. No bread. So unsatisfied. Need a snack. Subway is ALWAYS a mistake. So terrible.

01:48 PM
Headin to 7-11 for some Jack Link's. Spicy jerky always hits the spot with it's bold flavors. It's a healthy snack a real man can enjoy.

02:48 PM
Buncha cops hangin out at 7-11. Always thought I'd make a good cop. Hangin out, snackin, takin down bad guys, drivin fast. Love that stuff.

10:57 PM
Can't sleep. Dave is snoring so loud it sounds like he's rippin Wendy's chili beefs out of his nose. Think he has some health problems.

10:59 PM
I wish Dave would take a few pointers from me on gettin healthy. I worry sometimes. Gonna make a Double Crown & Diet to try conk me out.

11:31 PM
Oh god! I can't stand this! Gonna go plug his nose. I gotta get some rest.

Tue May 24 2011

10:26 AM
Dave really flipped out last night. Thought I was trying to murder him in his sleep. He was only half awake. Went into a rage. Scary.

11:56 AM
If you cut the top off a Beefy Melt Burrito from TB with scissors you can just eat the insides out with a spoon for health on the go.

11:58 AM
I call 'em Beefy Melt Travelers. Taco Bell should sell 'em that way for folks lookin to get that beach bod or just for eatin in the car.

07:02 PM
Whoa, it looks like the camera man at the Bulls game just got busted checkin out some babes! Can you blame him? Hubba hubba.

07:04 PM
If I was a camera man for the NBA, I'd keep my eye on the "action" too, if you know what I mean. Lotta smokin seats in the expensive seats.

Wed May 25 2011

11:07 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Got 18 instead of 12 Asian Zing wings 'cause I thought they'd be smaller. Real exotic, bold taste. Hi-ya!

11:19 AM
Asian wings are the healthiest they make. Orientals are known for their big flavors, fitness of mind and body, weird sex, and Nintendo.

11:23 AM
I heard in the Orient, any gal will sell you her underpants for a $1. Not my thing, but it's refreshing how truly open and free they are.

11:25 AM
Might start doing some Tai Chi like Swayze in Roadhouse. Dalton understood that the way of the Asian could be used to kick some ass.

02:04 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:16 PM
Supposed to be 81 and sunshine on Monday. Might FINALLY get the boat out! Memorial day cruisin and cold ones. I really need this.

05:47 PM
Ann & the kids said I was weird for putting soy sauce on my corn at supper. They don't appreciate the big flavors of the Orient.

05:51 PM
Since those Asian wings at lunch, I've been researching the ways of Oriental people. They're so proud. Gonna watch Marked for Death w/ Dave.

05:58 PM
Steven Seagal really had it figured out. You can use the parts of the Asian culture you want & still be a white dude. Best of both worlds.

Thu May 26 2011

11:19 AM
Bad news for Memorial Day weekend, you guys. Weather report says it's gonna be pourin down cold ones, brats & good times. Ha!

11:24 AM
Memorial Day weekend is the time we drink up all the booze & eat up all the grub that the soldiers who died didn't get to. It's important.

11:26 AM
If I went out on the battlefield in a blaze of glory or even a helicopter crash, I'd damn sure want everyone partyin hard for Captain Karl.

11:34 AM
Gettin this bad boy for the celebration! http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/graphictees/patriotic/PRD~788830/Taboo+United+We+Rock+Tee.jsp

02:38 PM
Can't believe we have to work tomorrow. The troops deserve AT LEAST a 4 day weekend. 3 days isn't nearly enough partyin for their sacrifice.

02:40 PM
Might fake diarrhea or the pukes tomorrow and take the day off. Lying isn't wrong if you're doing it to support the USA, you guys.

Fri May 27 2011

11:54 AM
Lovin' a Friday-vator, livin' it, cold ones goin down! Ha! Happy Friday to ya, you guys! SUPER PUMPED FOR THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!

11:57 AM
Did the right thing, didn't fake the runs and went into work. Good thing, they gave us a half day. Never waste a lie you can use later.

12:45 PM
Man, just knowin' I have THREE more days off is makin these cold ones go down so smooth, you guys. Makin a batch of my special margs.

01:03 PM
Time to cook up some Johnsonvilles. I pre-cook 'em in beer & onions for an extra kick. Just another big flavor secret up my sleeve (wink).

01:09 PM
Seriously, you guys. This is all for the troops who gave their lives so we can have cold ones, eats & a nice long weekend. Never forget.

01:15 PM
Dave just put ketchup on his brat. I wanna punch him in the face. Sorry to curse, but what an an asshole. That's like spittin on the flag.

01:18 PM
These margs are really strong. Gettin a MEAN buzz. Feelin good! Still wanna kick Dave's butt for the ketchupp on the brat thing. USA!

01:26 PM
I gotta lay down for a sec. Think I made these margs toostrong. Shouldn't of done those shjots either.

Sat May 28 2011

11:05 AM
Really blew it yesterday. Think there was somethin wrong with that Tequila. Gonna get started with a nice, tall, ice cold Busch.

11:16 AM
After I passed out yesterday afternoon, Dave just left all those brats on the grill to burn up. What a waste. He's an idiot.

04:41 PM
Ann wants me to come over for a BBQ tomorrow. Jeez, Memorial Day weekend is about cold ones and America, not families like at Christmas.

Sun May 29 2011

01:51 PM
Headed to Ann's for the BBQ. 4 hours late. She's got her britches all in a twist about it. I needed a nap! Slept in the Sebring last night.

01:53 PM
I shouldn't be in trouble because I was responsible and crashed out in my car after Paddy's. Blacking out and driving don't mix, you guys.

01:56 PM
4 hrs. late or no, there better be some good grub left. Bringin my own seasonings, the only thing Ann kicks up are bland flavors.

Mon May 30 2011

12:58 PM
Got pretty messed up at Ann's yesterday. Went pretty heavy on the margs & she was all out of the eats. Ate potato salad on a hot dog bun.

01:01 PM
A potato salad dog isn't actually too bad when you're bombed if you kick up the flavors with some spicy mustard and my secret seasonings.

01:06 PM
Got into it pretty bad with Tina Carlson. She called me "Big Karl", got steamed and muttered that she was a "big gross bitch." She heard me.

01:09 PM
When I'm bombed on margs, you do NOT want to get in the ring with me, especially is you look like Tina Carlson. I know great insults.

01:10 PM
For the record, I'd never call a woman the b-word if I wasn't provoked and/or drunk on a holiday. You have to respect the ladies, you guys.

01:12 PM
Guess I took my shirt off to show Tina my beach bod. She started laughing. I may have a stomach, but it's firm, not like Tina's sloppers!

01:14 PM
Tina's husband Doug, who's a real load, got all P.O.d that I was burning Tina, so I challenged him to a pose down, like a real man.

01:16 PM
Doug wouldn't even take his shirt off for the pose down. Just walked away like a wuss. He really embarrassed himself.

01:21 PM
Got pretty exhausted from all the confrontation and margs. Fell asleep on the deck with no shirt in a lawn chair. Ann locked me out there.

01:45 PM
Gonna patch myself up. Me & Dave are gonna do it right for the troops. Brats, ribs, all the trimmings, Cool Ranch Doritos. Big big spread.

01:49 PM
Dave just made a STRONG batch of rum punch. Goin down so smooth. Fruit juice gets you hydrated as well as gives the body nutrients.

Tue May 31 2011

09:16 AM
Really draggin' today. They should really give us a day off for some r&r after a long weekend like that. Not gonna do any work anyway.

09:22 AM
Only good thing about today are all the brat lefties I packed for lunch. Brought 6 of 'em. No buns. Gotta get back on my diet program.

09:33 AM
I don't understand why anyone would ever buy the Johnsonvilles WITHOUT the cheese in 'em. They're a bold taste sensation, you guys.

09:45 AM
Nosey lady just said, "Are those the weird sausages with the cheese in them? So bad for you." First, they're BRATS. Secondly, you SUCK.

09:46 AM
If YOU don't like cheese on stuff like hamburgs, in brats, pizza, bagels, sammies, fries & pasta; people probably don't like YOU very much.

09:50 AM
I understand some folks get the toots from cheese, but the trade is plenty worth it. We all get the toots from certain foods. It's natural.

10:13 AM
Nosey lady just told me that some Jewish people don't eat meat & cheese together. That's just ignorant. No religion is that stupid.

03:49 PM
Think Ann's till steamed about Sunday's incidents, calling her friend Tina's breasts, "sloppers", etc. She said not to come for supper.

03:53 PM
Like not having supper with my LOVELY fam is punishment. Oh boohoo! Now I HAVE to watch the Tiger game while I eat in front of the TV!

03:58 PM
Don't know why Ann wanted me to come over for a Memorial Day BBQ anyways. She always judges. Like it's a crime to pass out in a lawn chair.

Wed Jun 01 2011

11:14 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys! Ken just showed me the Dick in The Box song. Losing it over here! Might trick Dave later.

11:23 AM
The song goes like: "1, put the dick in the box. 2, keep the dick in the box. 3, show you the dick in the box." It's real raunchy guy humor.

11:25 AM
Took down 18 Mango Habanero wings. Off the hook with bold flavors. Really packed a punch. I sweat through my shirt and had to change!

11:29 AM
Only shirt I had in the car was an Under Armour muscle tee for my workouts. Looks like the work gals are in for a treat. Lookin buff.

12:06 PM
Wearin this muscle tee seemed like a good idea, but at work I feel kinda self conscious. No one likes a show off, you guys. Gettin looks.

12:08 PM
Gonna run home to change. Havin some stomach problems anyway. Think I got a bad Diet Coke or something.

02:16 PM
Got sucked into a ball game and watched a few Dog The Bounty Hunters at home. I should take a break like this everyday. Dog is so kickass.

02:53 PM
Feel like I'd be a good bounty hunter. One thing I really believe in is justice. Plus, you get to wear fingerless gloves like a bad boy.

05:33 PM
Went to Ann & the kids' for supper. Wasn't anyone home & she won't answer her phone. Kinda worried. No way she's still P.O.'d about Sunday?

05:36 PM
I mean, it's great I get to have a bachelor's supper. Just hope nothing's wrong. I'd hate to waste all night in a hospital or some crap.

05:38 PM
This isn't like Ann to disappear without telling me. Trying to think good thoughts. Gonna have a few Crown & Diets to take the edge off.

10:00 PM
Ann never called. Kinda late, but gonna call Ann. Almost outta Crown. Really wanna talk to her before I hit the sack. Make sure she's safe.

10:11 PM
Ann didn't pick up. Callin Ann back.

10:26 PM
Gonna try Ann again. Gotta catch some z's.

11:07 PM
Ann keeps going to voicemail. Gonna hit the sack. Out of Crown anyway. Hope she's ok.

Thu Jun 02 2011

11:40 AM
Ann just called. Said she didn't appreciate all my drunk late night phone calls. I was worried. Of course I got a little drunk.

11:52 AM
I guess she took the kids out for Chinese. Coulda told me. Guess she's still sore about the Memorial Day thing. Feel left out.

11:55 AM
Families can really be cruel sometimes. I think I just might care too much. Plus, I love the bold flavors of the Orient. Ann knows that.

11:58 AM
I think that Tina Carlson is getting in Ann's head about our relationship. She needs to butt out. She's a know nothing bag of crap.

11:59 AM
Might call Tina and give her a piece of my mind. If thinks all I have up my sleeve is callin her boobs, "sloppers", she's dead wrong.

12:11 PM
So upset. Could hardly finish my Quiznos Chipotle Prime Rib unsub. Meat was piled high too. Goin to the john for some thinkin & stinkin.

12:29 PM
Called Tina from the pot. Told her I was thinkin of her. She said Why? I said, Cause you're full of crap, then let loose with a monster bm.

12:34 PM
I think Tina really got the message, if you know what I mean. I been watchin some roasts. I can bring it on with the crude humor, you guys.

12:42 PM
Ann just called. Let's see how SHE likes it when I don't answer. Love is a two way street, baby.

01:02 PM
Really lookin forward to the weekend, you guys.

04:21 PM
Didn't even ask Ann bout supper. She musta called 20 times. Real game of cat & mouse. Bet she's impressed how I bm'd into the phone at Tina.

04:24 PM
When you're defending a relationship, sometimes have to push boundaries. Even if if means audibly crapping at an intruder. Shows you care.

Fri Jun 03 2011

11:05 AM
Good, good, good; good Friday-tions!!! Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

11:25 AM
Had a nice, healthy, homemade salad for lunch. Diced up 4 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy's. No buns. (special diet recipe)

11:29 AM
Wendy's should really put the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger Salad on their menu. Where's the beef? It's in the salad, you stupid old bag. Ha!

08:30 PM
Took a snooze. Gonna hit Wild Spurs late night for karoke. Might do some numbers. Show the Wild Spurs Country Line Dancers my pipes.

08:33 PM
Goin heavy on this Axe "Spiked Up Look" hair gel. Kinda got a Guy Fieri look goin. Feelin good! Look out gals, Captain Karl's on the prowl!

08:34 PM
Makin a Slurpee cup Bacardi & Diet roadie. It's totally ok to drink & drive if you're on the way to something, not going home, you guys.

Sat Jun 04 2011

11:05 AM
Karoke was really slammin' last night at Wild Spurs. Did "Livin On A Prayer." EVERYONE sang along. Felt on top of the world!

11:08 AM
When you have a gift like singing, sometimes it doesn't really shine through until you've had 8 or so cocktails. I think I've got the chops.

11:10 AM
People were buying me drinks after I did Bon Jovi. Kinda know how he must feel after a show. The rock n roll lifestyle really has its perks.

11:12 AM
You guys should have heard how loud everyone roared when I took my shirt off for the last verse. Folks went BONKERS. Diet's payin off.

11:18 AM
I shoulda joined a band when I was younger. Coulda been a huge star. Having a family really crushes all the dreams you didn't know you had.

11:21 AM
Makin a Bacardi & Diet. Gonna practice Van Halen's Jump for next week. If they liked Bon Jovi, they'll lose their crap for Diamond Dave.

03:02 PM
Dave wants to do a duet for karoke next week. When you're a rocker, everyone wants a piece of your spotlight.

03:04 PM
I told Dave no on the karoke duet. I'm not trying to send out the wrong message like Hall & Oates, if you know what I mean.

07:47 PM
Gonna head over to Wild Spurs. Maybe see some of my new karoke pals from last night. They really get the rock n roll lifestyle like I do.

Sun Jun 05 2011

02:48 PM
Pretty banged up today. Kinda over did it tryin to recapture the magic from karoke Friday. Wild Spurs wasn't the same without the spotlight.

02:57 PM
People don't treat you the same when you're not rockin out some Bon Jovi with no shirt on. Really shows you how people get starstruck.

03:02 PM
Sure, the Wild Spurs dancers were still smokin hot. But they didn't even look my way last night. Had the Guy Fieri look goin and everything.

03:22 PM
Kinda got the Sunday blues. This must be how rockers like Seger feel like when the get off the road. Just part of the lifestyle I guess.

03:27 PM
Gonna flip through this old copy of Penthouse I found under the sink. Might cheer me up. I'm a Penthouse man from way back, you guys.

05:24 PM
Dave's givin me crap for readin this Penthouse. Jack mags aren't just for jackin. They can be for readin too. I'm not some animal.

05:28 PM
As a Penthouse man, sometimes enjoyin the foxy babes for their beauty is enough. You don't always have to work on your plumbing.

05:32 PM
Told Dave, when there's a racy scene with a dynamite gal like Demi Moore, I don't just start tuggin away in the theater. Have some class.

05:39 PM
Masturbation is a personal private thing for in the shower, your own room, or your car. Keep it to yourself, no one wants to know your biz.

Mon Jun 06 2011

11:21 AM
Brought that Penthouse for the john at work. Any true gentlemen likes browsin some beauties while you're pushin out a stinky.

12:32 PM
Just went in the john. Saw someone threw my Penthouse in the trash. It's sad how some people can't appreciate nice things.

09:39 PM
Another Monday without a call from Ann for supper. She thinks I made some "mistakes," but I'm a cool Dad & husband. Their loss.

09:39 PM
Sick of this.

Tue Jun 07 2011

11:04 AM
Brought in some Tim McGraw Cologne, a pack of Big Red, and another Penthouse for the john at work. Classin it up like at a nice restaurant.

11:23 AM
Thought about gettin a candle for the john, but I think a nice box of strike anywheres does the job of coverin up a p.u. just fine.

11:26 AM
I used to chew on strike anywhere matches like Sly did in Cobra. Looks SO badass. Might have to bring that look back.

11:51 AM
Changed it up for the day with a pic from way back. Only took me about an hour to figure out how to do it. Inspiration to get back in shape!

05:25 PM
At Paddy's with Dave. He just told some babe to "lose the zero and get with the hero." Didn't work, but it's a pretty boss move, you guys.

05:38 PM
Dave just had an idea. If we learn gal's names, we can look 'em up for possible swimsuit pics on that myspace with my laptop. See the goods!

Wed Jun 08 2011

02:29 AM
Just woke up fron a couch nap. Dave is on the couhch watcing Casino, eatin a soy sauce sandwinch. what an idioty.

11:25 AM
Had to change my pic back. Can't live in the past like some Springsteen song, you guys.

11:29 AM
It's so hot and muggy. Air conditioning at work can hardly keep up. Kinda hungover. Wish I was still at BW3s. That place is like heaven.

11:35 AM
Really lookin forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:45 AM
Can't take this heat. Goin to work in the john where it's cool. Always thought it was badass how Fonzie had his office in the toilet.

03:35 PM
Man, the john at work was THE coolest place to be today. No one thinks I was stupid for classin' it up now. Might get a mini fridge for it.

05:44 PM
Still so hot. Wonder if there's any side effects from puttin too much Gold Bond on your plumbing? Least my boys can keep cool.

05:47 PM
Me and Dave are goin to Cold One City. Nothin beats the heat like an ice cold can of Busch or 12. Sweatin out most of it anyway.

06:09 PM
Dave has some serious swamp ass goin. Those grey sweatpant shorts didn't stand a chance. He's such a grossout.

Thu Jun 09 2011

12:30 PM
Got into it with Dave last night. Just so hot and cranky. If we were ghetto people like in Flint, someone woulda probably gotten shot.

01:12 PM
If there's one thing I've learned, is that you stay out of parts of Flint in the summer. Doesn't matter how good the BBQ restaurants are.

02:40 PM
If Flint had a guy like Dalton from Roadhouse kickin ass all over town, I bet it wouldn't be such a zoo, you guys.

Fri Jun 10 2011

01:11 AM
Dave is asleep on the toilet. I've done that a few times so I don't wanna judge, but I gotta wiz. Gonna make in this empty Sprite 2-liter.

11:09 AM
Hope everyone's havin a shaggadelic Friday, baby, yeeeaaahhhh! (that's an Austin Powers reference from way back. Ha!)

11:17 AM
Got up early and had a nice big breakfast at McDonald's. So good. It's totally worth the extra 3 or 4 trips to the bathroom, you guys.

12:01 PM
Just noticed someone ripped out a couple pages from the Penthouse in the john. So inconsiderate. That Penthouse is for all to enjoy.

12:05 PM
Asked Ken about the missing Penthouse pages. Seemed shady about it. I bet he's car tuggin at lunch. Nothin wrong with that, but still.

12:05 PM
Asked Ken about the missing Penthouse pages. Seemed shady about it. I bet he's car tuggin at lunch. Nothin wrong with that, but still.

12:08 PM
If you wanna stroke it in the privacy of your own car, that's fine, but it's no excuse for destroying a vintage Penthouse to make it happen.

01:07 PM
Can't wait to hit up karoke tonight. Super pumped. Inviting EVERYONE. Gonna do some pushups in the john. Gotta be jacked!

01:30 PM
Wearin this bad boy 2 nite! It rocks, you guys. http://t.co/y75ERxy

01:35 PM
FYI about my new tee: "Feat. a skull graphic, this men's tee is sure to put you in the spotlight. Team this tee with jeans for added style."

01:37 PM
Good thing I read the info on the Tap Out rock tee. Was just gonna wear it with my khaki Dockers. Wearin jeans is a good call.

02:54 PM
I'm outta here. Gotta go home and practice my Diamond Dave moves for 2 nite! Happy Friday, you guys!

Sat Jun 11 2011

01:25 PM
Karoke was kind of a disaster. Invited Al, Dave, Ken and Dave's buddy, Crazy Cooter. Waited 3 hours to go up. Drank 4, 5 Hour Energies.

01:28 PM
Was supposed to sing Van Halen's Jump, like I practiced for, but they played Panama instead. Tried to make up for my vocals with my moves.

01:30 PM
I was pretty bombed from the 5 Hours & about 10 Bacardi & Diets, did some Diamond Dave spin kicks & knocked over the PA system.

01:33 PM
I fell off the stage and hurt my elbow pretty bad. The Wild Spurs gals got super P.O.'d. Felt like a real assclown like Michael Anthony.

01:35 PM
Wasn't really kicked out, but they made me leave. Couldn't find my keys. Fell out of my pocket when I was doin spin kicks.

01:36 PM
I had to BEG to go back in the bar and get my keys. Was on the floor looking and someone spilled a whole beer on me.

01:37 PM
I started to get the spins from all the excitement. Felt like I was gonna pass out. Puked all over the floor. That's when I got KICKED OUT.

01:38 PM
Dave finally found my keys. Woke up in the Sebring this morning soaked in beer and barf. They just left me there. Some kinda friends, huh?

01:43 PM
Bacardi needs to make more realistic commercials. Have one where a grown man is blacked out in his Sebring, covered in puke.

01:46 PM
I think I might really need to shape up, you guys. Might cut back to just brewskis for a while. Or vodka. Hear it's better for you.

05:06 PM
Polished off a Papa John's "John's Favorite" to patch up my war wounds. When you party hard, you gotta take care of your body, you guys.

05:14 PM
Papa John likes 'em with 'roni, sausage, SIX cheeses, and special herbs and spices. Big flavor, you guys. Such a winning combination.

05:18 PM
Papa's In The House!

05:33 PM
Hi, I'm Dave! Karl's roommate. Dont know what this email crap is. Karl's takin a huge pizza shit right now. HUGE. He makes like 6 a day. Bye

06:05 PM
DAVE IS GONNA PAY FOR THAT. BIG TIME. Super P.O'd. I'm goin to Paddy's for $12 beer buckets. Sick of this. Sick of everyone!!!!!!!

Sun Jun 12 2011

11:37 AM
Tried out, Dave's "lose the zero and get with the hero" line last night. Got punched in the stomach. Really need to reevaluate my life.

03:01 PM
Might have to go on a health kick. Smoothies, turkey burgers, the whole nine. Also, heard some great things about Sketchers Shape It Ups.

03:07 PM
Joe Montana wears Shape It Ups. Can't go wrong with a tip from Joe Cool, you guys. Definitely gettin a pair.

03:07 PM
Joe Montana wears Shape It Ups. Can't go wrong with a tip from Joe Cool, you guys. Definitely gettin a pair.

03:10 PM
Kim Kardashian wears Shape It Ups too. They got her that rockin caboose that all the brothers crave.

08:40 PM
Lebron James shoulda went to the Bulls. Better pizza & eats. Less slimy drug dealers too. They coulda went all the way.

09:00 PM
Dave's acting like he's a Mavericks fan now. Idiot. No one's a Mavericks fan. Everyone just wanted those other big mouth buffoons to lose.

Mon Jun 13 2011

11:18 AM
Wonder what the kids have cooked up for Dad's Day? Should probably give 'em a ring. Been a few weeks. Communication is important, you guys.

01:35 PM
Keepin it healthy with an xl Muscle Blaster from Tropical Smoothies. Feelin good! It's smart to give your body a recharge once in awhile.

04:30 PM
This Father's Day, get Dad somethin he really wants. Maybe a Calloway driver, a Kegerator, or shuttin your mouth about him boozin too much.

04:34 PM
Made a healthy salad for supper. Lots of meats & cheeses, LITE ranch (big flavor but lo-cal), & a SMALL side of garlic bread for clean up.

Tue Jun 14 2011

11:13 AM
Got a "wrap" for lunch. It's like havin a terrible burrito and a crappy sandwich all at the same time. Worst of both worlds. Healthy though.

02:20 PM
This health kick is rough, but worth it I guess. Keep craving pizza with mayo on it. Gotta stay strong, you guys.

02:24 PM
Sometimes I can't decide whether I like Miracle Whip or mayo better. Miracle Whip has more flavor, but mayo is just such a classic.

02:25 PM
Feel light headed from all this dieting. Could really use some Vitamin Mayo right now.

02:35 PM
What I DON'T like about Miracle Whip is their new commercial. Real turn off. Why is that slimy guido guy badmouthing M-Dubs? Got no right.

02:38 PM
That greaseball in the M-Dubs commercial should shut his face and hit the bricks back to pizza town where he belongs. Who needs you!

02:46 PM
I'm takin a stand. No more Miracle Whip until that goon is off the air from talkin bad about Miracle Whip. Stand up and be heard, you guys.

Wed Jun 15 2011

11:23 AM
Keepin' it healthy on Wing Wednesday with 6 Asian Zing wings (Asian = health) and a chicken tender salad on the side. Proud of myself.

01:37 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

01:57 PM
Still wonder what Ann & the kids have planned for Dad's Day? Not returning my calls. Haven't talked in a while. Must be keepin it hush hush.

02:10 PM
Hope Ann makes that german potato salad I like. It's ok to cheat on your diet for Dad's Day when you've earned it, you guys.

02:13 PM
Maybe Ann's gonna grill some big juicy steaks? Sure would be nice to kick back and get waited on. Makes a Dad really feel appreciated.

03:57 PM
Had 4 Protein Plus Power Bars for supper. Healthy and satisfying. Time to work out my guns with some pushups. Turn the fuel into fire!

07:24 PM
Those Power Bars gave me a case of the stinkers. Must be burnin fat outta my p.u. No pain, no gain, you guys.

Thu Jun 16 2011

10:50 AM
Kept it in the health zone with a Baja Salad from Wendy's. It's a hearty salad with a southwest flair, you guys. Real out of bounds flavor.

10:52 AM
The Baja Salad from Wendy's features fresh pico, guac, and slow simmered chili. All topped with a creamy red jalapeno dressing.

10:53 AM
Who knew Wendy's did mexican so right?! I mean, that's who mostly works there, so I guess it makes sense.

10:57 AM
I don't want to stereotype that only mexicans work at Wendy's. Alot of blacks do too, and they do a fine job, I might add. No complaints.

11:25 AM
There used to be a white guy who worked at the Wendy's I go to. He must have hit hard times. This economy is tough on some folks.

01:26 PM
Taco Bell better keep an eye on Wendy's. Looks like they're making a move to be the new top dogs in the mexican food game. Real quality.

01:28 PM
Taco Bell always wants you to "run to the border." More like "run to the restroom." Ha!

01:45 PM
No word from Ann about the big Dad's Day celebration. Must be busy prepping. On Sunday, the Welzein clan must bow before King Karl!

02:27 PM
Milk, milk, lemonade. Round the corner, whatever that Baja Salad from Wendy's turned into, is made.

04:21 PM
Don't really appreciate Dave eatin Jose Ole burreets and drinkin cold ones while I'm tryin to be good. Losers love when other people fail.

04:24 PM
Sick of this. Dave's disgusting me with those Jose Oles. Goin to eat my cottage cheese in the john.

Fri Jun 17 2011

11:15 AM
You gotta fight! For your right! To Friiiiiidaaaay! Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Really lookin' forward the Dad's Day weekend.

11:40 AM
On the highway to the healthy zone today with the Chopped Farmhouse Salad from Arby's. It's salad without sacrifice, you guys.

11:46 AM
On a salad, I like to go half Honey Mustard dressing and half Ranch. Keeps it healthy, and adds a new twist on off the hook bold flavors.

11:47 AM
Gotta be good just one more day. Then, this weekend, it's all about hearty grub, cold ones, laughter and love with the fam.

11:52 AM
Dad's Day is one of those special holidays you want to spend with loved ones. Not like 4th of July. Families get in the way of the party.

01:06 PM
Why doesn't Old Spice make deodorant for your p.u.? Seems like it'd be a hit. Would love to feel fresh all day back there, you guys.

Sat Jun 18 2011

12:13 PM
Still no word from Ann about the big Dad's Dad celebration. Must be big, big, big! A surprise party maybe? Who knows? Super pumped.

12:24 PM
I mean, I'm sure it would never happen, but just once I'd like for someone to give me a sports car with a bow as a gift. Nothin beats it.

12:42 PM
Think I'm just gonna kick back, have a FEW cocktails, and take it easy. Big day, tomorrow, you guys. One of the important ones.

11:23 PM
Gonna hit the sack. Can't wait for tomorrow.

Sun Jun 19 2011

01:48 PM
Haven't heard from Ann yet. Havin a few cocktails. Who needs 'em. It's DAD'S day, not FAMILY day. Nuts to them if they want to be crappy.

01:51 PM
Gonna treat myself to a nice Dad's Day pizza from Papa John's. Supreme, all the way. Pull out all the stops. Eatin all the slices I want.

01:53 PM
Besides, I'm watchin the US Open. Probably wouldn't have time to make small talk with the fam anyway. This is just fine by me.

01:55 PM
Double Crown & Diets are goin down so smooth, you guys. Ann gives me the stink eye when I get into the Crown. This is MY day.

02:36 PM
Did a few shotskis, Papa's in the house, US Open is rockin. Might be the best Dad's Day ever. No need for that family time horsecrap.

03:06 PM
Just a tip for all you Dad's out there; ditch the fam next year. You'll be glad ya did. Mean buzz on & no one's yappin their gums. Livin!

03:19 PM
Ann just rang! Wants to know where I am?! Said she told me about 6pm supper last week, musta been boozed or forgot write it down!

03:23 PM
Guess she has steaks goin, chips, cold ones, the works! Kinda bombed & stuffed with 'za, headin over on Dave's 10-Speed. The party's on!

Mon Jun 20 2011

10:50 AM
Took off for Ann's on Dave's 10-speed last night stuffed with Papa John's & Crown. Wiped out bad halfway there. Messed up my jean shorts.

10:51 AM
Was so full from the 'za, but knew I needed to eat Ann's grub. It was almost a blessing that I had to puke anyway.

10:52 AM
Lying on the side of the road with a scraped up knee, puking my guts out in the humidity, kinda made me feel like I was in 'Nam.

10:55 AM
Dave's 10-speed sucks. The chain falls off if it isn't in first gear, tires are almost flat & the seat's crooked. My crotch got all chafed.

10:57 AM
I'd say one of the only times it's ok to drive boozed up is if your only option is a broken 10-speed. Never forget.

10:59 AM
Got to Ann's an hr & a half late. Soaked with sweat and bleeding. I feel like that's how a real man should enter a Dad's Dad celebration.

11:02 AM
When I got there, steaks were all burned & cold and my greedy son pigged down all the Cool Ranch Doreets. I was only an hour & a half late!

11:04 AM
At least the cold ones were still good. Ann got the good stuff at least. Sam Adams is for special occasions. Goes down so smooth.

11:05 AM
Ann only got a 6-pack though. WHO does that?!! For a Dad's Day celebration? 6 brews? Was kind of a kick in the sack I think.

11:07 AM
If you have a party & only have a 6-pack of suds, it's not a party. It's just saying, "you're not welcome and we'd like you to leave asap."

11:17 AM
I polished off that sixer, did a "no thanks" on the burnt steak and hit the bricks. I know where I'm not wanted.

11:40 AM
The only present I got was a what I thought was a drawing of a penis man from my son. Turned out to be a magician. Straight in the trash.

11:42 AM
Got sick of Dave's crappy bike on the way home. Threw it on the side of the road for a trash guy to find. Walked home in a lightning storm.

11:44 AM
Shoulda just stayed home with my 'za, Crown & US Open. Never leave a party you're having a blast at to go to one your family's throwin you.

11:45 AM
Dad's Day would be the party of the year if Dads got to spend it with people they like to party with instead of their families, you guys.

12:39 PM
My inner thighs are so chafed from my wet jean shorts that I can hardly move. I have to walk like a black gal holdin in a stinky.

12:41 PM
Jean shorts need to come with a warning: May cause extreme chafing if worn while sweaty. Use caution.

01:47 PM
Can't stand this. My thighs are raw and on fire. Goin to get some creams & ointments.

04:56 PM
Dave's complaining 'cause I threw his bike away on the side of the road. I've NEVER seen him ride it. Says I owe him money. What a scam.

04:59 PM
What's a crappy 1987 Murray 10-Speed worth anyway? I did him a FAVOR by taking that trash out for him. He should pay ME.

05:03 PM
Dave should thank me that he never has to ride that piece of crap bike. My crotch is destroyed, you guys.

Tue Jun 21 2011

10:56 AM
Wore shorts to work today because of my raw crotch. Nosey lady seems to have a beef with it. Oh, like she's never had a raw crotch before.

10:59 AM
It's ok to break dress code at work due to an injury, special holidays, or if your weird God tells you to wear some dumb crap, you guys.

11:14 AM
Why do people wear clothes to show off their religion like they're better than you? I just keep everything between me & the man upstairs.

11:24 AM
Told nosey lady to go on a 2 mile bike ride in sweaty jean shorts and see how HER crotch feels! She shot me some look and wrote it down.

12:11 PM
Nosey lady just "informed" me that "crotch" isn't an appropriate term for work. How about "burger meat?" Idiot. (didn't say that, but, ha!)

12:32 PM
Kept it in the health zone with the Chicken Fiesta Salad from Taco Bell. The Citrus Salsa kicked it up with flavors of the mexican islands.

05:32 PM
Health Tip: Turkey brats lend big flavor to any diet cookout. Pair with sauerkraut & plenty of MGD 64 for a taste treat without the guilt!

06:02 PM
Now I know why they call 'em MGD "64s." That's how many I feel like I could actually drink. Light on flavor, big on smoothness.

Wed Jun 22 2011

03:29 PM
Starting to feel better. Took the day off. Just because you feel like you CAN drink 64 MGD 64's, doesn't mean you should try.

03:38 PM
Funny how when you get in the health zone, your body can't handle 16-20 cold ones like it used to. Maybe I should cut back on my diet.

03:46 PM
I should have never turned my back on bold flavor for the smoothness of MGD 64. Better to have 9 or 10 Busch heavies than that queer beer.

03:49 PM
Sometimes you have to draw a line where the dieting stops and the good times roll, and for me, that line is MGD 64, you guys.

04:02 PM
I didn't mean MGD 64 was "queer" beer like it's "gay." I meant it's for pansies. Homos like bold flavors too. Meant no disrespect.

Thu Jun 23 2011

11:50 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:49 PM
Might get the boat out this weekend. Really kick the summer off right. Cold ones, wavin at the babes, them wavin back. Nothin beats it.

02:35 PM
My son always gets sick on boats. It's kind of why I don't think we can ever be close. Boating is a really important part of my life.

05:55 PM
Headin over to Paddy McGee's with Dave for $3.50 wine night. Wine is heart healthy, you guys. And Dave has a real "horn on for some babes."

05:57 PM
I don't like when Dave talks about gals. I never SEE him with any chicks, and once he told me how he "grabbed a babe's vag." Grabbed?!

05:59 PM
Any real man knows you don't just go "grabbin around" in a babe's downtown area. It's not a bag of pretzels.

06:12 PM
Told Dave he's goin about it all wrong with the babes. He needs to play it cool like Ric Flair. Style & Profile!

06:19 PM
Dave told me, "like you know anything about, babes. I score all kinds of babes. I just keep it to myself." Reading Penthouse is NOT scoring.

06:21 PM
Now Dave is all steamed and says he's going to his "secret stash" bar by himself. Oh, this is rich. Sure you are.

06:26 PM
What if Dave really has a secret stash bar with babes galore? Might try and tail him. Been watchin alot of Dog.

Fri Jun 24 2011

11:26 AM
So, I tailed Dave to his "secret stash bar" of "hot babes." He bought a half pint of Jameson and drank it in the corner booth at Taco Bell.

11:29 AM
Ain't lookin for nothin, but a FRIIIDAY! How can I resist?!! And it don't get better than this! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:34 AM
I wonder if Dave has erection problems? Maybe we should have a guy to guy about it. There's alot of good medication for that right now.

11:36 AM
When 2 guys talk erections, it doesn't have to be gay. Sometimes I'm sure it is, but that's not my style. I can talk erections with a pal.

11:39 AM
If there's 2 things that can really effect you feelin like a man, it's erection problems, and bein lactose intolerant. (No probs here, FYI)

11:46 AM
All those wussies on the erection ads tryin to be ready for "romance" make me steamed. They're NEVER macho. Probs why their junk don't work.

11:49 AM
They should make more realistic erection pill ads. Have a grown man drinkin a half pint of whisky in a Taco Bell booth, wanting to die.

11:59 AM
After work, I'm gonna pick up a bunch of those Extenze drinks. Big Cherry flavor. Then me & Dave are gonna have a sit down about erections.

12:00 PM
When a pal is havin tough times with booze, dope, or erections, a real man steps up to confront them about it. That's what friends do.

12:02 PM
If there's one thing you need for a guy to guy erection talk, it's PLENTY of cold ones, you guys.

Sat Jun 25 2011

11:51 AM
Was really hopin to get the boat out of storage in Fenton today but me and Dave are kinda draggin from our erection discussion.

11:52 AM
When you're having a guy to guy talk about erections, it's best to have it in Cold One City.

11:55 AM
Don't even really know what we talked about, Dave said, "I don't got no problems with my rod!" Gave him the Big Cherry Extenze anyway.

11:56 AM
When Dave calls his peener his "rod" it kinda weirds me out. Seems juvenile.

12:02 PM
Gonna have another patch me up Crown & Diet and hit the links. Try an get in a late 9. Haven't shot in a while, see if I still got my touch.

12:02 PM
Gonna have another patch me up Crown & Diet and hit the links. Try an get in a late 9. Haven't shot in a while, see if I still got my touch.

Sun Jun 26 2011

10:20 AM
Ate a load of crap on the links yesterday. Drank a buttload though. Felt like John Daly musta. Champs like him don't always have to "win."

10:24 AM
Was takin a wiz on the 7th hole and some fat a-hole got all steamed about it. Peein & golf go together like brats & mustard! Idiot.

10:26 AM
If there's one freedom left in this country, it's a man's right to take a leak on a golf course. I don't care if your gross wife is there.

10:29 AM
Who golfs with their wife anyway? So stupid. Probably the same kinda guy who has their wife wipe 'em after them make #2.

10:31 AM
Dave was pretty bombed and steamed that the fat a-hole piped up about his gross wife seein my plumbing. He started makin sow noises. Ha!

10:32 AM
Dave may have some erection problems, but when he lays into a broad, he really goes to town. She was hurt, burnt, and crunchy.

10:36 AM
The fat a-hole said he was going to tell management about our "behavior." I told him to "suck it, pal." Thought his head was gonna explode!

10:38 AM
They just left without finishin their round. Who does that?! Guys who golf with their gross wife. She musta had to get back to her trough.

10:41 AM
It's ok to hurt people's feelings really bad when they encroach on your personal freedoms like wizzing on a golf course, you guys.

10:45 AM
If you get steamed at a gal, it doesn't matter if she's overweight or not, just make some sow noises. She'll be thinkin about it for DAYS.

12:00 PM
Man, I haven't had a Stroh's in forever. Wonder if they still make it? Always went down smooth.

02:22 PM
Dave just said he's going to "pinch a loaf." Now all I can think about is him makin a bread doodie. Why is he such an immature grossout?

Mon Jun 27 2011

09:15 AM
This is definitely a multiple toilet nap kinda Monday, you guys. Could sure go for a gun in my mouth.

09:21 AM
If the week was only Monday and Tuesday, over and over again, I'm 100% sure I'd gladly kill myself.

09:30 AM
Feelin just awful. Lunch break. Gonna go drink a couple cold ones in the Sebring at the 7-Eleven parking lot and catch a quick snooze.

11:49 AM
Woke up in the Sebring soaked in sweat. Got in hot water for takin a long lunch break. Told nosey lady I had to change a flat.

11:53 AM
Just because a diarrhea excuse always works, it doesn't mean you should use it everytime. Variety is the spice of lies.

02:35 PM
Really draggin. Didn't eat lunch except for those 2 beers. Need a solid supper. Maybe Chili's. It's still healthy if you order real careful.

02:47 PM
Holy crap! Top shelf margs?! What a great value, you guys. Wonder if you have to have 2 people? http://t.co/jDwWTpS

02:50 PM
It's the Chili's MargarEATathon! Ha! Man, that is genius. Super pumped, you guys.

02:52 PM
Was really feelin down today, wantin to blow my brains out. Then, out of nowhere, Chili's saves the day. Thanks, Chili's.

02:55 PM
Chili's should do an ad that says, "Hey, don't shove a gun in your mouth, you can always go to Chili's for good times and great value."

03:01 PM
Gonna swing home and clean up for Chili's. Got some bad b.o. from snoozin in the Sebring. Gotta be fresh for the MargarEATathon.

Tue Jun 28 2011

10:39 AM
Was starvin when I got to Chili's last night. Decided to treat myself right. I've been good lately, so dinner for 2 for 1 was well earned.

10:41 AM
The MargarEATathon is a true feast. Started with a half order of Texas Cheese fries. I don't know how a half order was supposed to be for 2.

10:44 AM
Then, I went for the half rack of Baby Back Ribs. Again, half rack? That's HALF a meal, So I didn't feel guilty getting the second entree.

10:46 AM
The ribs at Chili's were perfection. Fall off the bone tender, with out of bounds flavor. Chili's has always led the pack in the rib game.

10:48 AM
For my second entree, I went for the Santa Fe Sizzling Skillet. Which looks like a disgusting pile of whoknowswhat, but was purty tasty.

10:50 AM
Washed those bad boys down with 2 of Chili's world famous TOP SHELF margs. They went down so smooth, I just had to get a 3rd, 4th and 5th.

10:52 AM
If you ever have the chance to get a top shelf marg, don't miss out, you guys. Really takes you back to old Meheeco.

10:55 AM
Topped it all off with the Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie. So rich & decadent. Sometimes you just have to stop calorie counting and live life.

11:42 AM
Thinkin it might be time for a new ride. Saw a 2008 PT Cruiser for sale this morning. Fully loaded. Looked pretty bitchin', you guys.

Wed Jun 29 2011

11:13 AM
Kept it healthy today with a Chicken Tender Salad and 6 Asian Zing Wings. Winner winner Chicken Tender Salad dinner! (lunch)

11:19 AM
Stopped off to check out a badass Mustang at lunch. Man, it'd be so sweet cruisin in a Stang all summer. Babes go crazy for Detroit muscle.

11:27 AM
Wish I could get my hands on a Camaro like Guy's. A Stang would be killer, but that Camaro is just so money. He's really livin the dream.

11:46 AM
Might make an offer on that Stang next week. Ol' Karl knows a thing or 2 about wheelin' & dealin', you guys.

11:56 AM
Think one of those Armenian guys owns the car lot. Might be Jewish or Italian though. They all look the same when they dealer sleaze it up.

12:06 PM
The trick to buying a car is to not be intimidated and raise your voice alot. Really treat that dealer like an animal or he'll gyp ya.

01:21 PM
Really lookin' forward to the 4th, you guys. Might get the boat out. Really do it right. Gotta find my bottle rocket stash.

01:29 PM
Hope Ann doesn't have "family plans" for the 4th. She only lets us have sparklers. Might as well make my son wear girls panties.

02:26 PM
Nothin says my country 'tis of thee, like shootin bottle rockets out of a beer bottle on your boat while your hammered for America. Nothin.

Thu Jun 30 2011

10:47 AM
Really lookin' forward to the 3 day weekend, you guys.

11:30 AM
Try to stay out of the poor neighborhoods on the 4th, you guys. Some of those animals use fireworks to cover up shootings & other crimes.

11:52 AM
They should force illegal immigrants to work at all the gas stations, grocery stores, & restaurants so true Americans can enjoy the 4th.

11:57 AM
Wonder who parties harder for the 4th? Springsteen or Seger? Probably Seger. The Boss got pretty soft since that Secret Garden crap.

01:03 PM
Just thinkin' about how Ann threw out all my original Big Dogs tees. They're probably collectors items now. Such a classic.

01:04 PM
"If you can't hang with the Big Dogs, stay on the porch!" That pretty much says it all, you guys.

03:01 PM
Gettin the rock outta here. Gotta start shoppin for grub & drinks for the big celebration before the stores get slammed.

03:03 PM
Last year the store ran out of dog buns. Had to get hamburg ones. It was a disaster. Really got into it with a stock boy. Almost socked him.

03:05 PM
Gonna go HEAVY on the hot dog buns. Really stock pile 'em. If there's one thing parties can always use, it's more buns. And boobs. Ha!

03:07 PM
No offense to the ladies with that "boobs" comment. Just some raunchy guy humor for the fellas. It's true, but still, no offense.

Fri Jul 01 2011

11:07 AM
F.R.I.DAY in the USA! F.R.I.DAY in the USA, yeah yeah! FRIDAY IN THE USAAAAY! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:09 AM
Pretty banged up. Got a couple variety packs of microbrews for the big celebration. Me and Dave decided we had to try 'em all a few times.

11:18 AM
I'm all for big flavor fancy beers like IPA's. But it must stand for Incredible Pain Afterwards. Feels like my brain is bleeding.

11:42 AM
Filled up half a cart with hot dog buns at the grocery store. People'll be BEGGIN for 'em when they run out on the 4th. I'll be THE man.

12:07 PM
Dave had a great idea last night, we should get an above ground pool for the back parking lot. Think we could git r done.

12:17 PM
Really gotta get patched up for the weekend. Got some Funyons out of my trunk. Might eat 'em in the john and catch some zzz's.

12:57 PM
Nothin like a nice Funyon snack on the toilet, followed by a quick nap to really make a man feel refreshed, you guys.

01:03 PM
Might sneak outta work early. Gotta hit the store again from more supplies. There's no such thing as "too much" for the 4th celebration.

01:05 PM
If you run out of cold ones on the 4th, there should be a law that you have to cut off your peener in shame like the Asians do.

09:03 PM
Me & Dave cracked open some cold ones for the 4th to kick off the weekend right. Then Dave "sharted" his pants, and kicked it off wrong.

09:04 PM
FYI, "sharted" is a fart and #2 at the same time, except the s-word instead of #2.

09:06 PM
Gonna lay down the law. No more microbrews for Dave. I don't have time to get out the wet dry vac everytime he has a few IPA's.

09:09 PM
This is disgusting. Had to pull my shirt over my nose. Goin outside for some fresh air. No underpants and gym shorts?! C'mon Dave.

09:11 PM
No undies and mesh shorts is a dangerous combo in the first place. #1: Peener could get out. #2: The previously mentioned "shart" situation.

09:44 PM
Now Dave is just acting like nothing happened. He crapped his pants and it got on the couch! That's where I eat supper! NO class.

09:49 PM
It's not like I never had a backdoor accident on some furniture before. I'm human. But I've always apologized every time. I've got manners.

10:31 PM
I'm hittin the sack. Looks like I'll be eatin supper over the sink more than half the time now. Nice work with the b.m. on the couch, Dave.

Sat Jul 02 2011

01:05 PM
I was grillin brats and Dave threw a whole fistful of Snap & Pops at my back. Burned a bunch of little holes in my Corona tee! Sick of this.

01:27 PM
2 things everyone knows not to mess with: #1: Texas #2: Another man's Corona tee. Dave is gonna pay for that.

01:33 PM
I hope Dave likes it when I fire a whole gross of bottle rockets at him! Really steamed. That Corona tee was brand new for the weekend.

02:08 PM
Just because Corona is an overpriced beer for Mexicans, that doesn't mean they don't make a stylin' t-shirt, you guys.

02:12 PM
Waitin for Dave to use the john. Gonna crack the door, throw the bottle rockets in there, then hold the door shut. Gonna be a smooth move.

02:14 PM
Revenge is a dish best served cold, as in, when you've had 9 or 10 cold ones in the early afternoon, you guys.

02:24 PM
Dave just went in the can. He had 5 Cheddarwursts so he should be in there a while. This is a real black-ops mission.

02:54 PM
Oh my god. Went to throw the bottle rockets at Dave in the john. He had the door locked. Over 100 went off in the hallway. Oh god.

02:56 PM
At least 30 bottle rockets must have exploded on me. Lots of small burns. Cargo shorts are ruined. Big patch out of my arm hair. Oh god.

02:58 PM
The whole hallway is all covered in burns. Looks like a warzone. Smoke is so thick I can't breath. Ears are ringing so bad I wanna puke.

02:59 PM
This ALL Dave's fault. WHAT KIND OF MAN LOCKS THE DOOR TO THE TOILET! DOES HE PEE SITTING DOWN TOO?!

03:01 PM
If Dave thinks I'm cleaning this bottle rocket mess up he is so wrong. This is all on him for ruining my nice Corona tee. He started it!

03:03 PM
Looks like a few bottle rockets made it to the couch. There's like 6 holes in it. But it was ruined anyway from where Dave sharted on it.

03:04 PM
Dave came running out of the john with his pants down and peener out, screaming like a woman. What a baby. Guess he can't handle explosions.

03:45 PM
The pad is pretty messed up. But, you really haven't partied hard enough for the 4th if didn't destroy at least one piece of furniture.

08:09 PM
Dave just called Aretha Franklin, "Urethra Franklin." Ha! We had a guy to guy and everything's cool now.

Sun Jul 03 2011

11:43 AM
Today feels kinda like Christmas Eve except tomorrow's not gonna suck with church, crappy weather, and kids crying over dumb crap.

11:48 AM
Christmas has one tree inside, sissy lights, and family time. The 4th has all the trees outside, fireworks, and cold ones. 4th all the way.

11:52 AM
The 4th is for AMERICA. For all our freedoms & hard work. Christmas is for one guy, who did some nice stuff, but really can't top the USA.

11:56 AM
I don't like how all the other filthy countries get to celebrate Christmas. The 4th is just for the Red, White, & Blue. This is OUR time.

01:08 PM
Dave said his buddy Crazy Cooter is throwin a backyard bash at his place tonight. Sounds like a blast. Headin out soon.

Mon Jul 04 2011

12:14 PM
For being 235 years old, America is one sweet lookin lady. Happy birthday to all my fellow Americans. Proud to be with ya, you guys.

12:15 PM
Got pretty messed up on Crazy Cooter's jungle juice last night. Can't stop these spins. Hurled my guts out into the bush I fell into.

12:26 PM
America is my homeboy, you guys. Goin to lie down next to the toilet.

Tue Jul 05 2011

12:06 PM
Really hurtin today, you guys. But if you don't feel like your brain is being dug out with an ice cream scoop, you didn't do the 4th right.

12:07 PM
After I woke up from my nap by the toilet, me and Dave went back to Crazy Cooter's. Man, he keeps the party rockin like a ZZ Top video.

12:11 PM
Crazy Cooter is pretty much livin the dream. He's got an above ground pool and everything! Lives with his Ma, but she stays out of the way.

12:48 PM
Just saw about that one gal in Florida gettin off the hook. She's kind of a cutie. Wonder if she'll pose for Playboy?

01:12 PM
Ann called. She's all steamed I "didn't make an effort to spend the 4th with my family." Why would I make an effort to ruin my holiday?

01:15 PM
Ann's also all P.O.'d about that Casey Anderson thing. I don't understand why people need to stick their nose in other families' business.

01:16 PM
If Casey Anderson wants to pose for some nudie shots, that's fine by me, but what she does in her private life is nobody's business.

02:14 PM
All anyone wants to talk about at work is that Casey gal. Real snoozefest. C'mon, no one has any cool stories from the weekend?!

02:18 PM
I canonballed into Crazy Cooter's above ground pool, rocked on jungle juice, holdin a roman candle. THAT'S a good story, not some news crap.

02:21 PM
Dave tried to grill a bag of Oreos = GREAT story. Casey Whatshername? Borrring. Get back to me when she shows her cans.

02:24 PM
Crazy Cooter beefed in Dave's face when he was turnin on the propane = INTERESTING. Some Florida trashbag's problems? Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

05:51 PM
The pad is still kind of destroyed from that bottle rocket accident. Don't have the energy to tidy up tonight. Probably need some paint too.

06:06 PM
Upon further inspection, there's more bottle rocket damage than I thought. Could use that Holmes on Holmes guy to come in and kick some ass.

06:14 PM
Crazy Cooter just called Dave. Said we should come over with a few cold ones. This guy is a maniac! Gonna have 1 or 2 to be polite.

Wed Jul 06 2011

11:49 AM
Was 4 hrs late for work today. Got pretty messed up with Crazy Cooter. Woke up on his couch. Dave took off in MY Sebring and left me there.

11:53 AM
Crazy Cooter's mom gave me a lift home. She smokes with the windows up. Felt so sick. Made her pull over so I could dry heave.

11:57 AM
Popped a blood vessel in my eye from the dry heaves. I look like some sorta demon.

01:00 PM
Super steamed at Dave for lockin me out. Pounded on the door for 45 minutes this morning, sweatin my boys off. So exhausted.

01:02 PM
Why would Dave just leave me at Crazy Cooter's? Feel all itchy from sleepin on his couch. Crazy is cool to party with, not for a sleepover.

01:14 PM
On the way home, Crazy Cooter's mom called me a "drunk faggot" for dry heaving out her car door. Not a very nice thing to say, you guys.

01:19 PM
If this were the 80's, calling someone a "drunk faggot" would be totally okay, but people are all equal now. Times are a changin.

Thu Jul 07 2011

11:50 AM
Went to Cooter's again last night. Got kinda weird. Showed us a pic of his lady & said, "she ain't much to look at, but she sure can f***."

11:53 AM
Crazy Cooter has a thing or 2 to learn about babes. The wallet pic of his gal made Dave spit out his Funyons. She needs a Mr. Yuck sticker.

11:57 AM
Crazy Cooter ALWAYS wants to party, which is cool, but EVERYNIGHT can't be party night unless you're Joe Perry or something.

12:02 PM
Crazy Cooter started "dancing with the white lady" right in front of his Ma. She didn't even care. Thought that was odd, you guys.

12:06 PM
A little grass and cold ones are ok, but I learned a long time ago to say nope to dope unless you're just doin a gummer to look cool.

12:14 PM
Cooter got kinda out of control. Called me & Dave "f***in' a-holes" for not doin any dope with him, then punched a hole in his drywall.

12:22 PM
Cooter's ma went bonkers on him for the drywall hole. Started callin him this, that, and the other. Me & Dave got the rock outta there.

12:29 PM
Crazy Cooter just doesn't have alot of class I guess. It's a shame. I'm exhausted, goin' to take a toilet nap.

01:42 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

04:02 PM
Chewed up a whole pack of Trident White gum. Packin it on my choppers. Nothing sets off a rich cocoa tan like a great smile, you guys.

04:11 PM
Black folks know how to do it right with their cocoa skin and pearly whites. Just such a winning combination. Always admired that.

Fri Jul 08 2011

11:21 AM
And I just can't fight this Friday anymorrrre! I've forgotten what I started work-in forrrr!!! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

12:01 PM
Supposed to get the boat out of dry storage tomorrow. Can't wait! cold ones, cruisin, jammin out, sandwiches. Gonna be a blast.

12:03 PM
Might invite Ann & the kids. When you spend alot of time with a violent cokehead named Crazy Cooter, it makes you appreciate your fam.

12:06 PM
Gotta work on my rich cocoa tan some more tomorrow. It drives the babes wild.

12:10 PM
Ken turned me onto this. It's such a summer jam, you guys. This is how we party in the mitten! http://t.co/3LSJ337

12:36 PM
Never cared much for Kid Rock when he was into that rap mumbo jumbo, but man, this All Summer Long is my new jam!

12:39 PM
I gotta get outta this dump. Kid Rock is givin me that Friday tingle. Can't stand to be here anymore! Need a cold one! AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

01:19 PM
Screw this. Told Nosey Lady one of my kids has an emergency. Might be true, I wouldn't know. Headin to Cold One City. Friday on, you guys!

10:58 PM
Saw Ann tonight. Said she's carrying 6 almonds for when she's hungry like Oprah. Told her, "Oprah looks like she carries 6 pizzas." Ha!

11:00 PM
Oprah is so fat, she looks like she ate Oprah, you guys. Oh man, gotta write these down.

11:01 PM
When Oprah walks into a room, people are all like, "Whoa, is that Oprah, or did Barry White come back to life and shave his moustache?

11:03 PM
When Oprah sits around her mansion she REALLY sits around her mansion. Because she's all fat, and mansions are HUGE. Ha!

11:04 PM
I am KILLING Dave with these, you guys. He thinks I should send them into the Friars.

11:06 PM
I bet when Oprah walks into a Chinese restaurant, they're all like, "Oh no! It is Brack Godzirra! Wun fo yo rife!"

11:08 PM
When Oprah eats at Burger King, it's really "Home of The Whopper." Hahahaha!

11:11 PM
Whooo boy. Man, I can't breathe. Me and Dave are dying over here. Oprah is just SUCH a fatso. Why does she give diet tips? What an idiot.

11:13 PM
It's ok to make fun of fat people like Oprah if they're super rich and think they're better than you, you guys. Screw 'em.

11:15 PM
I bet Oprah makes gals thinks it's ok to get heavy just because she is. Newsflash: She doesn't want you to be slim. It's a mind game.

11:16 PM
Rich slobs want to bring you down to their level so you're all fat but they're still rich and you just suck now. That's what Oprah does.

11:18 PM
Man, I'm so stoned. Oprah can suck it. She ruined my marriage with her bullcrap. Probably others too. Closet lesbo load of crap faker.

11:19 PM
I'm hittin' the sack. I shouldn't swear but I'm gonna swear. Fuck Oprah. She ruined this country's women with her money grubbing shit.

11:19 PM
G'night, you guys.

Sun Jul 10 2011

02:10 PM
Got the boat out yesterday. Had a blast. Until we ran out of gas. Me & Dave had to just sit there with our thumbs up our butts for 3 hrs.

02:11 PM
Boat gauges must be off. Had to wait for a service to come and bring us fuel. Ran out of sandwiches too. It was a nightmare.

02:12 PM
Was trying to get that rich cocoa tan. Just put on baby oil. So sunburned I keep gettin the chills. Hope it just turns into a nice base.

02:15 PM
Drank all the cold ones while we waited for gas. Guy gave us looks for bein too sauced. Like you have to be sober to drive a boat. Idiot.

08:39 PM
So sunburned. Feel delirious. Can't stop laughing about what a great stripper name, Aloe Vera, would be for a black gal.

08:42 PM
Black gals at the gentlemen's club aren't always my type, unless I've been drinkin' brown liquor. Then it's on like popcorn!

08:47 PM
I shouldn't have said that. I'm just so out of mind with this sunburn. I guess this is how Martin Lawrence must feel. Maah-iiin! Ha!

08:49 PM
Gonna go lay down in the bathtub. Fill it up with ice & cold water. Gotta get some sleep. I'm not driving but I shouldn't be driving.

Mon Jul 11 2011

11:10 AM
This sunburn is killin' me. Hurts to move. Ken said, "Hey, Kool Aid! Get some sun there, buddy?" Wasn't necessary to hurt my feelings too.

11:15 AM
People can laugh at me now, but when this base sunburn turns into a rich cocoa tan, the babes'll swoon like I'm Billy Dee Williams.

12:08 PM
No one makes fun of Guy Fieri when he gets a little extra sun. Havin a rich cocoa tan is just part of the bold flavor lifestyle, you guys.

12:19 PM
People always say how Fonzie is the king of cool, but I bet if he saw Guy Fieri comin, he'd be shakin in his shoes.

12:37 PM
If Guy Fieri ever teamed up with Papa John, they'd pretty much be unstoppable.

02:53 PM
Just a tip: If you're driving a convertible, a backwards Kangol is a must have for the summertime, you guys.

Tue Jul 12 2011

11:00 AM
One of my co-workers (can't say who) got caught watching porno at work today. Ken is in so much trouble! (It was Ken)

11:02 AM
Pretty much the best thing that can happen at work on a Tuesday is when a co-worker gets caught watchin porno. That or a free pizza lunch.

11:05 AM
Wonder what kinda porno Ken is into? Never was much for that hardcore action myself. I like to leave a little to the imagination, you guys.

11:18 AM
Sure, I've always enjoyed a nice Penthouse. It's a gentlemen's read. There's a big difference between porno and tasteful nudity.

11:22 AM
Guys aren't into classy titillation like wet t-shirt contests anymore because they fill their brains with Black On Asian Anal Teens.

11:23 AM
You know what they say, once you go Black On Asian Anal Teens, you never go back to wet t-shirt contests.

11:26 AM
Dave's all screwed up with the porno stuff. That's why I had to take my laptop to the Geek Squad with it stuck on Black On Asian Anal Teens.

11:30 AM
I don't even know why anyone would wanna watch a hung soul brother give it to an Asian in their poop shoot. Sounds pretty gross, you guys.

11:34 AM
Doin it in the backdoor just isn't natural. Doesn't matter if you're a randy black fella or an Asian Teen lookin for some quick cash.

11:37 AM
The only time it's ok to do it in the stinker is if you're gay. Everyone should be allowed to make love. I just don't wanna hear about it.

11:44 AM
If you're a couple of fellas fixin' to make some butt love, make sure to wrap it up. There's alot of diseases out there in dudes' peeners.

12:55 PM
I heard the reason that rich Paris gal is all cross eyed is because she let a brother do her in the p.u. too hard. Probably for drugs.

05:47 PM
Thinkin about headin down to see Steely Dan on Saturday. Really chill out, you guys. "The Cuervo Gold, the fine Colombian..." What a jam.

Wed Jul 13 2011

11:40 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Watched Platoon last night so I had a dozen Asian Zing wings. Was in the mood to take out some Viet Cong.

11:47 AM
Forgot how Charlie Sheen was in Platoon. Guess he's pretty screwed up now. He acts like a 'Nam vet that actually got the money they deserve.

11:51 AM
If you actually kicked ass in 'Nam, you have an excuse to act crazy. Goin' bananas from gettin rich on 2 1/2 Men is just pathetic.

12:00 PM
Dave likes that 2 1/2 Men program. Kinda think it's a bag of horsecrap. I'm more of a King of Queens man, myself.

12:03 PM
Just like most pieces of crap, all Charlie Sheen needs is one good ass kicking in a parking lot and he'd probably be fine.

12:05 PM
I'd like to see Charlie Sheen pull his b.s. in a real midwestern bar full of real "manly men." They'd stomp that sissy's mudhole sideways.

12:16 PM
If Charlie Sheen dies, no one's gonna care 'cause he's a rude piece of crap. I'd laugh my butt off! Hope it happens soon. Got 5 bucks on it.

12:19 PM
Dear God, Please make Charlie Sheen die in the next month so I can win 5 bucks from Dave. Love, Karl. Amen.

12:37 PM
What kind of world do we live in where Dalton from Roadhouse is dead and Charlie Sheen is still alive, you guys?

12:40 PM
I heard Charlie Sheen lives with 2 prostitutes. Real men don't have to pay for action in the bedroom. They score 'cause of their moves.

12:44 PM
Charlie Sheen seems like the kind of guy who'd be into Black On Asian Anal Teens, and be mostly interested in the monster black peeners.

02:06 PM
Well, I waited an hour. Is Charlie Sheen dead yet? Maybe from a Ferrari/cocaine/hooker orgy accident?

02:22 PM
Went to ask Nosey Lady a question. Smelled like she just cut a fresh, nasty one. Started gagging into my shirt. Asked if I was sick. Idiot.

Thu Jul 14 2011

10:45 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

01:02 PM
Nothin sets off a rich cocoa tan like a white polo, cargo shorts & some Teva's. The polo's collar is like a Billy Squier song; turn it up!

01:09 PM
Tasteful jewelry is a must for completing that cocoa tan look. Guy Fieri does it right. I keep it simple with my gold chain & onyx ring.

01:12 PM
My shoulders started peeling a little this morning. Just glued it all back on with a heavy dose of Gillette Fusion Pro Series lotion.

05:52 PM
Havin a few cold ones with Dave. It's always important to warm up for the weekend or you could risk a drinking injury, you guys.

06:01 PM
Takin down a few Shocktops. The bold flavors are a real summertime smoothfest that's like an off the hook party in my mouth. Real refreshin.

Fri Jul 15 2011

10:51 AM
REALLY lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys. It's gonna a hot, hot, hot one!

11:00 AM
Life is a Fridaaaay, I wanna ride it all night long! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:14 AM
If you don't wanna waste your Saturday at that Harry Potter crap with your wife & kids, NOW would be the time start havin "back problems."

11:25 AM
What ever happened to good movies like Beverly Hills Cop II? Harry Potter's a bad influence. Makes kids have dreams that'll never come true.

11:36 AM
Dave likes Harry Potter. He bought all the books, but I know he just watched the movies and acts like he read 'em. Like that'll get babes.

12:07 PM
Why hasn't anyone made a good buddy cop action flick with Guy Fieri in it yet? It'd be a summer smash, you guys.

12:13 PM
Team up Guy Fieri with any goofy black guy in a buddy cop flick where they fight Chinese drug lord scum and they'd knock it outta the park.

12:17 PM
Chris Rock, Chris Tucker, Tracy Morgan, Chris Tucker, Danny Glover, Steve Harvey, they all do the same "yo momma" jokes. Any would be good.

12:58 PM
Goin to drink a few cold ones in my Sebring in the 7-Eleven parking lot and work on my Guy Fieri movie idea. Priorities, you guys.

Sat Jul 16 2011

01:29 PM
'Bout to head down to the Steely Dan show. Super pumped. Gonna have a few cold ones and a little grass maybe. (definitely, Ha!)

01:33 PM
Just gonna try and score some Steely tix when we get there. Shouldn't be hard. It's not like it's a Nuge concert. More of mellow vibe.

02:03 PM
Makin a Thermos of G & T's for the drive to the D. It's ok to drink on the way to a concert in Detroit. Takes the edge off the filth.

02:11 PM
Lotta good spots for eats & drinks in Detroit, but one wrong turn and you've got some bad brothers wavin' guns in your face, you guys.

02:28 PM
Me, Dave & Al are gonna shotgun a tall, then hit the road to Steely D, USA. Get back, Jack, do it again! Puttin the top down, let's do this.

Sun Jul 17 2011

11:55 AM
Scored some Rice Krispy treats with weed in 'em before Steely Dan. Ate 2. 2 was too many. Way too many. Got lost in the restroom.

11:56 AM
Dave & Al wouldn't by tickets 'cause they were too expensive. Cheapskates. Had to go in by myself and they went to a bar.

11:59 AM
Spent the whole Steely show in the restroom stall. Freaked out. 175 bucks down the toilet. Shoulda just took a crap at home listenin to Peg.

12:02 PM
Left my cell in the car. After the show, couldn't find Dave or Al or the Sebring. So tripped out. Wandered around Detroit until 4am.

12:06 PM
Finally found the Sebring with Dave & Al in it, passed out with the top down, covered in trash. Looked like someone urinated on Dave.

12:12 PM
All the filthy animals in Detroit should be locked up so responsible adults can enjoy some pot and not have their friends urinated on.

12:24 PM
I think that weed is still in my system. I just don't feel right, you guys. Wish Dave would wake up and talk to me. Might call Ann.

01:29 PM
Went outside to get some air. Got a real good look at the Sebring in the sunlight. Not good, you guys.

01:34 PM
90 degree weather, urine, fast food trash & puke do not mix well with the interior of a Chrysler. It's like we brought Detroit home with us.

02:45 PM
Remembered where the puke came from. Dave tried to throw up out the Sebring on I-75 goin 60. Real disaster. Real classic Dave.

03:24 PM
Bummed the USA gals lost to the Orientals. Was really lookin' forward to one of the American soccer babes takin' their top off again.

Mon Jul 18 2011

10:59 AM
Started the week off wrong with the Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp from BK. It's for a limited time though and I didn't want to miss out.

11:12 AM
Who gets fries at Burger King when they have onion rings with that Zesty dippin sauce? My Momma's boy son, that's who. So embarrassing.

11:15 AM
Treated my son to lunch at BK to make up for not going to Harry Potter with him. Don't know why it was big deal when I'm not into that crap.

11:19 AM
You shouldn't spend time with another person if you're not a fan of the activity they want to do. That's just like lying, which is wrong.

11:23 AM
If my son wants to do things together, maybe he should get into things that I enjoy. Like baseball, sports, golf, action films, or steak.

11:28 AM
Also, my son dips his Chicken Tenders in ketchup. That's what girls do. And it's probably the stupidest thing I can think of. Makes me sad.

11:50 AM
My son kept complaining that "Daddy's car smells bad." I had a rough weekend OK?! You should be used to urine smell, Mr. Bedwetter.

01:47 PM
I'm pretty sure I'd be Father of The Year material if I had kids and a wife I liked to be around all the time. They're just such a snooze.

04:21 PM
It makes me mad that people still get Domino's pizza when Papa John's is so money. Everyone can't have good taste, I guess.

04:23 PM
Since I already took down a big BK lunch, I figured I'd get the John's Favorite from Papa's and start fresh in the health zone tomorrow.

04:27 PM
Dominos should bring back the Noid to remind everyone how crappy everything about Dominos is.

04:31 PM
Papa John's should start an ad campaign where, "Papa's In The House!" but, "Domino's is in the toilet!"

Tue Jul 19 2011

01:50 AM
Can't sleep. Gonna make a Banquet Turkey Pot Pie. Should hit the spot. A little comfort food always helps you catch some z's, you guys.

11:36 AM
I feel like I'm in my own personal living hell right now. That 5am Banquet Turkey Pot Pie just seemed like such a good idea at the time.

11:40 AM
I'm just so sick in the backdoor area. When you cheat on your diet, the only one who wins is diarrhea, you guys.

12:42 PM
On the bright side, if I had to pick any day to be ruined by explosive, all day, diarrhea, I'd pick Tuesday. Nothin else goin on anyway.

Wed Jul 20 2011

11:46 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday! Took out 18 Caribbean Jerks. They have the bold island spices I crave. Tomorrow, it's back to the health zone.

12:00 PM
Sometimes you need to take a step back from your diet or your bod gets used to it. When you get back on that horse, the lbs. just melt off.

12:17 PM
It's so hot out, you guys. The AC at work is really slowing down. Can't believe this. It's making my stomach upset. Feelin crabby.

12:34 PM
Gosh dangit. If I knew the AC was gonna conk out I wouldn't have put 18 wings in me. Woulda just stuck with 12 & a salad. Feelin bad.

01:32 PM
Can't stand this heat! It's just disgusting how they expect us to keep working. Could at least give us some cold beers like in Shawshank.

01:34 PM
Screw this crap. Goin down to my undertank and hittin the john where it's nice & cool.

01:44 PM
Could only stay in the john for a little bit. Ken was in there rankin it up. Tried to make small talk but it felt weird with my shirt off.

01:51 PM
Went to ask nosey lady if we could leave, she said no. Her b.o. was comin on strong enough for a man, but made for a man. Yuck.

01:54 PM
Think nosey lady wears that organic deodorant crap. In this heat, she might as well just wear b.o. scented deodorant. Such a rude grossout.

02:28 PM
I knew I shoulda put an above ground pool in the back parking lot. Woulda been the hit of the complex. "You wanna keep cool? You see Karl."

02:28 PM
Sick of this.

04:10 PM
Made me & Dave a big pitcher of vodka lemonade. Box fan blastin at my crotch, window unit AC on full blast. Beatin the heat like the Mavs.

04:12 PM
Beat the heat tip from Captain Karl: Go heavy Gold Bond on your plumbing, then let a box fan cool your boys down like Dalton from Roadhouse.

04:14 PM
Remember, when beatin' the heat, with Gold Bold, don't beat your meat. Dave had a disaster situation last summer. Ha!

Thu Jul 21 2011

11:15 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:39 AM
Beat the heat and kept it healthy today with the Arby's Angus Cool Deli Sandwich. Cold sandwiches are lower in cals than oven baked ones.

11:43 AM
I should've just hung out at Arby's all day. The AC was blasting, and I could pretty much just soak in that Arby's aroma forever.

11:50 AM
They should make bathroom air fresheners like Arby's Smell, Beer Brats, or Supreme Pizza. Only gals should cover up their bm's with lilacs.

01:07 PM
AC still won't work. Figured as much so I wore my swim trunks. If nosey lady has a problem with it, it's easy access to kiss my white butt.

01:11 PM
Saw a white guy workin on the AC. Shoulda hired a mexican. Whites do halfass jobs at manual labor 'cause they think they're too good for it.

01:15 PM
Thinkin about my manly bathroom air freshener spray idea, Taco would NOT be a good scent. Taco smell is only good when it's tacos, you guys.

01:17 PM
If you smell taco smell, and it's not tacos, it's either butthole, armpits, or some immigrant who doesn't know our customs. Plain & simple.

03:06 PM
Was pushin' out a long Arby's stinky in the john. Legs stuck to the seat, crashed back down & broke the toilet tank lid again. Sick of this.

03:10 PM
I'm NOT paying for that. No AC at work makes it hazardous to use the toilet. It's like makin #2 in a third world country if they had Arby's.

Fri Jul 22 2011

10:58 AM
Carry on my Friday son, there'll be drinks when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest, don't you work no more. Happy Friday, you guys!

11:14 AM
Had a meeting about the broken toilet tank lid. Nosey lady is all steamed. Already lied about breaking it once so twice should be a breeze.

11:20 AM
It's ok to lie about destroying property when you did it 'cause of the heat. Ghetto people always do it. When they murder it's bad though.

11:23 AM
I can kinda understand how ghetto people kill each other when it's hot out. I want to murder lots of people, but I'm not some animal.

11:46 AM
Sick of this broken AC. If I can make it through today I'm doin top shelf margs that'll make Jimmy Buffet look like a 3rd grade girl.

11:50 AM
Never was much for Jimmy Buffet's music. If I want a tropical jam, Diamond Dave's California Girls does me just fine.

11:53 AM
Jimmy Buffet always sounds like he's depressed about partyin. Pick up the tempo, amigo. Songs about margs shouldn't be a snooze.

11:59 AM
OH REALLY NOSEY LADY!? YOU WANT ME TO SIGN SOMETHING THAT SAYS I DIDN'T BREAK THE TOILET?! SIGNED IT! NOW SHOVE IT UP YOUR FAT FRIGGIN CAN!

12:02 PM
Sorry to lose my cool, you guys. It's just that when someone forces to you lie by signing something, it's insulting.

01:09 PM
So hot. Going to get a Gatorade. And put booze in it. And drink it at work. Because screw this bullcrap. It's Friday, MY day.

Sat Jul 23 2011

12:48 PM
Kept it cool all night with 'Cardi & Gatorade, the responsible summer bev. Keeps you hydrated AND keeps the party rockin until you blackout.

12:52 PM
Captain Karl here for 'Cardi & Gatorade. 'Cardi & Gatorade; you won't remember much after 10pm, that's the 'Cardi & Gatorade promise.

12:55 PM
"Woke up this morning and started back in with the 'Cardi & Gatorade, and boy am I hammered already again, you guys." -Captain Karl

12:59 PM
I'd get the boat out if it wasn't so crappy today. I'd drive the shit outta that thing right now. 'Cardi & Gatorade got me feelin' GOOD!

01:04 PM
Don't think Ann still loves me anymore.

01:06 PM
So what if she wants to be like that. I'M the cool one in the relationship. I'm THE man. Dave is CRANKIN some .38 Special so who cares.

01:28 PM
If Ann wants to make more of an effort to spend time together, that's fine by me. But I can't always be the king of romance, I'm busy.

01:31 PM
And another thing, Ann needs to give out the sex more. I'm a macho man who needs the lovin' 24/7. She doesn't understand me.

01:34 PM
My special recipe for 'Cardi & Gatorade: Take a big tumbler, add ice. Dump a bunch of 'Cardi & Gatorade in it. Pound accordingly.

01:39 PM
Dave's passed out on the floor. Fine by me. I can keep it rockin' all night by myself. Might head out to Paddy's later. Gotta do MY thing.

Sun Jul 24 2011

10:36 AM
Yesterday is kinda blurry. Think I hit a couple parked cars (lightly) leaving Paddy's last night. Was a good sign I should probably go home.

10:39 AM
Always know when to say when. And for me, "when" is when you back into someone's mini-van. Stay responsible, you guys.

10:54 AM
Dave said when I came home I kept talkin about "makin burgers," then tried to thaw some meat & turn on the grill, which I left on all night.

10:55 AM
Looks like I put the burger meat in the microwave to thaw, on high, then forgot about it. It's pretty grisly in there, you guys.

10:57 AM
Pretty steamed at Dave for letting me leave the gas grill on all night. Someone coulda gotten hurt. He just doesn't think sometimes.

11:09 AM
I gotta make better choices. Hitting a few parked cars is one thing, but wasting 2 lbs. of ground chuck in the same night is unacceptable.

12:21 PM
Orderin an XL Papa John's. It's best to give yourself a nice treat before kicking off a healthy week. Gonna really stuff myself stupid.

05:49 PM
Polished off the rest of the Papa Johns. Didn't want Dave to get any ideas about the lefties. It's my pre-reward for gettin back to my diet.

Mon Jul 25 2011

11:40 AM
Because no one fessed up to the broken toilet that I broke, now we have to ask for a key from nosey lady to use the john. What a nightmare.

11:48 AM
I'm on a special diet, I have to use the john more than most people. It's like being handicapped. I need 24/7 access to the toilet!

11:50 AM
I had the Tendercrisp Salad from BK for lunch. Sure, it's mega healthy with big texture, but I'll probably have a few bathroom emergencies.

11:53 AM
I can't be bothered to ask nosey lady for a key everytime I have to make in the toilet. She'll think I just go in there to hang out all day.

11:58 AM
Plus, nosey lady'll know how long I've been in the john when I give the key back. Sometimes I like a quick snooze after a #2. Who doesn't?

12:22 PM
If it comes down to me filling my pants with stool, or kickin down the locked door to the john, I'm kickin that door down like Steven Segal.

12:41 PM
If anyone got in Steve Segal's way when he was tryin go take a big #2, he'd probably break their arm. That's perty much a guarantee.

02:18 PM
I knew this would happen. It's way past time for my 5pm BM and nosey lady isn't anywhere around with the john key. Stomach really hurts.

02:55 PM
Well, I did it. I went #2 behind the dumpster at work with some Burger King napkins. Is this what my life has come to? Sick of this.

03:08 PM
Filing a complaint. A grown man shouldn't have to poop behind a dumpster, especially in this heat. Looked like a hobo had been there too.

Tue Jul 26 2011

11:01 AM
Grunted out a premie this morning to try and avoid another dumpster crap situation. About to turn in my complaint about the locked john.

12:01 PM
Just turned in my complaint. Here it is: To Whom It May Concern,

12:04 PM
Yesterday, 7/26/11, the employees of _________ were told that they would be required to ask for a bathroom key from _______ in order to ...

12:05 PM
... use the john for urinating or defecation purposes. This was implemented due to the fact that "someone" broke the toliet tank lid.

12:06 PM
Who was that "someone?" Sadly, I guess we'll never know. Must be someone with no class. Unfortunately, now we're all being punished for it.

12:08 PM
Adults should be free to use the john as they please, whether it be to relieve themselves, or check their appearance in the mirror...

12:09 PM
... to make sure that their hair or make up is just right. It's important to be presentable. I personally take great pride in my appearance.

12:11 PM
That's why I am on a special diet that keeps me lean and fit. This special diet also has it's drawbacks, such as frequent restroom breaks.

12:13 PM
Yesterday, I enjoyed a healthy salad from Burger King, and after it digested, I felt the need to purge it from my body, which is natural.

12:17 PM
Sadly, when that time came, ______, the keeper of the key to the john was no where to be found. I did my very best to hold in my waste...

12:20 PM
...but after 5 to 10 minutes, it became an impossibility. Concerned that I would defecate on myself, I was forced to exit the building...

12:22 PM
...and use the facilities, as the say, behind the dumpster in the rear parking lot. Luckily, I had a good number of Burger King napkins...

12:23 PM
...left over from my lunch break as I always ask for extras. I like to keep things tidy, but sadly, those napkins were used for something...

12:25 PM
...other than cleaning Ken's LITE Ranch dressing off of my shirt or car seat. It was humiliating, and I feel saddened by this event.

12:27 PM
In order to avoid similar future incidents, I move that the men's john be returned to it's previous unlocked state, free for all to enjoy.

12:28 PM
This was a horrible experience for me, but perhaps it can be used for good, so that no one else has to defecate behind the work dumpster...

12:30 PM
...like a common street person. Remember, it could happen to any of you. Thank you for your time. Regards, Karl Welzein

03:33 PM
Stayed late at work to see if there was any response to my complaint. NOTHING. Might have to take drastic measures. This will not stand!

03:37 PM
You don't mess with a man's toilet privileges. This is the USA damnit, not a 3rd World garbage dump where you crap on the street corner.

Wed Jul 27 2011

12:33 PM
Snuck into the ladies room last night and took a MONSTER bm, then clogged the toilet really good with tp. Tellin everyone nosey lady did it.

12:34 PM
Nosey lady is all steamed about the ladies room clog, which makes her look even more suspicious. She who smelt it, clogged it.

12:35 PM
If nosey lady wants to start a toilet war, just call me Rambo, you guys.

12:39 PM
I guess nosey lady had to plunge my bm out of the toilet herself. Ha! Revenge is dish best served as soul crushing humiliation.

01:02 PM
Nosey lady informed me that they wanna have a meeting with me in an hr. about my complaint letter. Time for justice. Better make some notes.

03:25 PM
Had my meeting. They said, "We understand that you became upset with our policy on restroom usage. However it is incomprehensible how...

03:27 PM
...a grown man could be driven to defecate in public behind his place of work because he had to wait just 10 minutes for a restroom key.

03:29 PM
While we aren't forcing you to do so, you may want to consult a therapist as this is not acceptable behavior in society.

03:31 PM
As far as your employment here is concerned, there really is no reference point for us to go from at this time for an employee...

03:32 PM
...defecating on the company's property, in a place other than a restroom. Also, please know what you did was illegal.

03:33 PM
Unfortunately, Karl, we have no other choice but to suspend you from work for one week, with pay, until we can sort out the situation."

03:35 PM
Sorry to curse, but fuck those assholes. Sue me for not wanting to shit my pants like a retard. I'm going to Paddy's. Sick of this.

Thu Jul 28 2011

12:18 PM
Got pretty banged up at Paddy's last night. Gettin temporarily laid off is stressful. Woke up on the deck at Ann's, don't know how.

12:20 PM
Ann & the kids didn't see me. Good thing. Looks like I tore up the lawn pretty good with the Sebring.

12:22 PM
Really lookin' forward to the...well, I guess when you're layed off, everyday is the weekend. Could be worse, you guys.

12:24 PM
Gonna take advantage of my time off. Gotta alot of projects to finish up. Might work on my restaurant idea for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship.

12:41 PM
Headed to the store for some markers, cold ones, & a dry erase board. With a whole week off, Captain Karl's Pizza Ship could be a go.

01:37 PM
Gotta make a snack before I start my project. Gives you brain energy. Goin for some Triscuits & mayo. Such a winning combination.

01:40 PM
When I was a kid, I always had Triscuits & mayo after school. Now they have off the hook flavors like Rosemary & Olive Oil. Real big flavor.

01:44 PM
I'm laid off, but I can't let my diet go out the window. Skip the chips & dip, and keep it in the health zone w/ Triscuits & LOW FAT mayo.

01:56 PM
The first rule of Captain Karl's Pizza Ship is; you can get Cheetos on ANYTHING for an extra $1. Guy Fieri would come stop by in a second.

02:07 PM
The 2nd rule at Captain Karl's Pizza Ship; ONLY handicrapper sized stalls. Everyone is special at Captain Karl's, not just the cripples.

02:09 PM
3rd Rule of Captain Karl's Pizza Ship; complimentary Triscuits & mayo when you're seated. An old treat from the 7 seas!

02:14 PM
4th rule of Captain Karl's Pizza Ship; no vegan fake meat and cheese crap. This isn't Captain Hippie's Soy Trash Barge for sissies.

02:19 PM
5th rule of Captain Karl's Pizza Ship: Our sandwiches are served "piled high" with choice of fries or Cpt. Karl's mashed & country gravy.

02:21 PM
Feel like I've gotten so much done today. I gotta say, if you want to chase a dream, take a crap in public on your work property, you guys.

02:33 PM
6th rule of Captain Karl's Pizza Ship; Only C-DD cup sea wench waitresses. Like Hooter's but less trashy. NO dude waiters. Ruins a meal.

03:05 PM
Quittin' time. The best part about bein' laid off is YOU'RE the boss. Headin' to cold one city, and it's well earned, I might add.

07:43 PM
Friggin' Dave drew a big pair of knockers on my dry erase notes for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship. He doesn't know anything about business.

Fri Jul 29 2011

10:53 AM
Is it any wonder, I've got toooo much time on my Friday?! ToomuchtimeonmyFriday! ToomuchtimeonmyFriday! Happy Friday, you workin stiffs. Ha!

10:56 AM
Started my day off with a cold brew & an egg sandwich. Bein your own boss is the life. I feel like that gay fella who owns Virgin airlines.

11:02 AM
Dave has the day off today too. He doesn't understand that I work for myself now so it's not just dick around time. Gotta chase my dream!

11:05 AM
Most people are happy just havin a soul sucking 9 to 5. Never been my style. But, if you can't hang with the big dogs, stay on the porch.

11:29 AM
Dave's watching Caddyshack 2 so loud I can hardly get any work done. This is all he does on days off? Captain Karl's Pizza Ship takes focus.

11:32 AM
7th rule of Captain Karl's Pizza Ship: On summer weekends, shirt & shoes are optional. It'll be like an island paradise with sandy floors.

11:36 AM
8th rule of Captain Karl's Pizza Ship: Whisky & Wings Wednesday. Get a shot of Jack & a Buffalo wing for just 3 bucks!

11:39 AM
No Dave, I'm sure I don't want to watch Caddyshack 2. Yes, I know it's hilarious, but I'm trying to build a restaurant empire here.

12:00 PM
Gotta get one of those countdown to St. Paddy's digital signs for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship. That's how you know a place is a rockin joint.

12:33 PM
9th rule of Captain Karl's Pizza Ship; Over The Top Tuesdays. Arm wrestling tournament and 50 cent Busch drafts all night long!

12:43 PM
If everyone had my level of focus and didn't spend so much time screwin off on the computer or boob tube, the world would be a better place.

12:48 PM
Workin on the plans for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship lets me know what MLK must have felt like when he was workin on his dream. It's important.

01:20 PM
Just saw today is National Chicken Wing Day! Goin to BW3s! Even MLK would take time off from his dream for such a celebration, you guys.

Sat Jul 30 2011

11:00 AM
Why do we waste so much mexican talent on washing dishes when they should be making beer? Stay thirsty, you guys.

11:03 AM
Yesterday, National Chicken Wing Day was off the hook! As far as today goes, is it possible to crap your lungs out? Stay thirsty, you guys.

11:07 AM
When you're laid off, everyday is Saturday. Doesn't feel as special. Stay thirsty, you guys.

11:09 AM
I'd like to see that Dos Equis guy pull his better than me rich guy crap at any of the bars around here. He'd get his old face smashed in.

11:24 AM
There isn't enough Viagra in the world for that Dos Equis guy to put his peener to all those babes he hangs out with. What a rich hog.

11:26 AM
The Dos Equis guy is such a stupid concept. A rich MEXICAN? Shut up and make me an interesting enchilada, Tito.

11:32 AM
He is...the most interesting 60 year old busboy in the world. Can I take your dirty dishes, my friends? Ha!

11:36 AM
No offense to mexicans. I love Taco Bell, Speedy Gonzales, and the song Lowrider as much as anyone, but they ain't the most interesting.

11:40 AM
If you wanna sell brewskis, you need a pitchman like Bob Uecker, not some old beaner who should be sellin you fruit out of his pickup.

12:22 PM
Gotta apologize for those mexican comments about 'em bein losers. Had a few cold ones for breakfast. You lose time when you're unemployed.

01:09 PM
To be fair, mexican jokes aren't really racist. We never made 'em slaves or anything. AND we let 'em freeload off the USA.

01:15 PM
If anyone should apologize for everyone makin mexican jokes, it should be Cheech & Chong. They really told it how it is in beanville.

01:23 PM
Why aren't there any good mexican rockers? Nobody likes that accordion crap or 90% of Santana songs. No wonder Richie Valens killed himself.

03:59 PM
I just don't feel like much of a man when I'm not goin to work. Dave just farted out pure death. Sick of this.

04:05 PM
Really regretting buyin that case of frozen White Castle cheeseburgs. Dave is mega destroying the living room with his molten rear end.

Sun Jul 31 2011

09:23 AM
I feel so empty without a job. Wonder what Ann's up to? She probably could use a call from ol' Karl. Really give her a thrill.

03:11 PM
Dave's watchin wrestling. This Christian guy's a real load. The Triple H guy seems perty badass though. Thinkin about growin a rockin pony.

03:29 PM
Whoa, this R Truths guy is one terrifying black guy. Wouldn't wanna run into him at a liquor store at night. Wrestling's gettin pretty real.

03:30 PM
R Truths looks like the kinda guy who'd steal your car stereo in broad daylight.

03:46 PM
Seriously, this Christian guy sucks the big one. If they were in Flint, R Truths woulda stabbed him by now.

03:55 PM
It almost makes me sad that I haven't thought about growin a ponytail by now. I'd probably have piles of babes all over my jock.

04:56 PM
Gonna start eatin alot of Jello. Heard it makes your hair grow faster. The quicker I get to a ponytail, the quicker I get to Babe City, USA.

05:01 PM
A rockin ponytail isn't just about looks, it's about confidence. A ponytail man probably gets into a ton of 3way situations, you guys.

05:08 PM
Still watching wresting with Dave. This CM Punk guy looks like a real deal badass mofo. The Cult of Per-son-ali-ty! Such a rockin jam.

05:32 PM
Holy crap, Dave showed me some more CM Punk stuff. He'd give Dalton from Roadhouse a run for his money. Totally awesome.

06:07 PM
Now that Christian loser is interrupting the match between R Truths & Cowboy Orton's kid. Where's the CM Punk guy? This sucks.

06:15 PM
Dave's watchin Platinum Hits now. Dave likes some serious crap, but that Jewel gal sure has some juicy bombs, you guys.

08:21 PM
If Guy Fieri had a ponytail, he'd probably blow Kevin Costner out of the water for People Magazine's sexiest man of the year.

08:31 PM
Thinkin about gettin an earring to tide me over 'til my pony grows in. Dave said he'll do it. Gonna have a few shots Jim first.

08:38 PM
Numbin my ear up with ice. Man, they're gonna flip when I come back to work with this cool ass earring like Guy's. Real bad boy.

08:56 PM
Oh my god, Dave only pierced it halfway. Needle sticking out. He started to get sick and had to barf. Hurts like a bastard.

08:57 PM
Just shoved it through myself, stabbed the needle into my face. Guess that's the high price of cool.

08:58 PM
Slight problem, no earring for the hole. Goddamnit!!!!!

09:01 PM
Dave thinks Crazy Cooter probably has an earring. Headin over there. Bleedin kinda bad, but it'll clot up no problem.

Mon Aug 01 2011

12:16 AM
Back from Crazy Cooter's. Had a few brewskis to be polite. Hooked me up with a riotous dangly cross earring. Gonna swap for a hoop though.

12:18 AM
Ear's pretty banged up from the piercing. Gonna hit the sack. Hope the swelling goes down in the AM. Looks badass though.

07:11 AM
Can't sleep. Ear's hurtin bad from the piercing. Think Dave botched it. I do kinda have a Dog Bounty Hunter look goin so I can't be too mad.

07:14 AM
Gonna pound a couple cold ones and try to catch a few more zzz's.

12:43 PM
Soaked my ear in rubbing alcohol. Burned like an s.o.b. Shoulda cleaned the earring from Crazy Cooter but didn't want to look like a siss.

02:53 PM
Dave had a great idea for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship; Ranch Corn Nut Pizza. Oh, did I say "great?" I meant "stupid." What a doofus.

03:03 PM
Corn Nuts are swell by themselves, but someone could lose a tooth on one and then it's lawsuit time. Cheetos are a better topping option.

Tue Aug 02 2011

11:40 AM
Thinkin about callin' up Ann. See if she notices my 'rang. Really make her feel bad about all the bad boy stuff she's missin out on.

11:55 AM
Wonder if they still make Hero cologne? It was just such a classic scent, you guys.

11:57 AM
Man, babes used to ape crap for Hero cologne. Really takes me back. http://t.co/lL2yIQY

12:11 PM
Young dude'll never learn how to drive a babe wild with that fruity boy band cologne crap. Chicks need a real Hero. Hero cologne.

12:43 PM
I don't skimp on cologne. Most people say it's too ethnic to wear alot, but that's just racist. Smellin good is for all colors.

12:45 PM
Fellas, don't be afraid to spray some 'logne downtown. You never know when things might get romantic with a babe. Gotta be ready.

01:25 PM
Just saw that Miracle Whip commercial where a guy marries some dumb sow who hates MDub. She looks like a mayo with a spoon kinda gal.

01:32 PM
Hating Miracle Whip is just a sign of hating anything different. "I hate chipotle ranch! I hate blacks! I hate dijon!" It's a warning sign.

01:46 PM
Never marry a gal who bans stuff like Miracle Whip, peanuts, or pop. She'll suck your family's soul and turn your son into a sissy.

01:52 PM
Ann said I can stop by for supper tonight. I can't wait for her to see my 'rang. She never wanted me to get one. Bet she'll change her tune.

Wed Aug 03 2011

09:46 AM
Went to Ann's for supper last night. She didn't get into my new 'rang like I thought. Probably just jealous of my rock n roll lifestyle.

09:50 AM
The whole fam was really quiet at supper. Asked 'em what's up? They started crackin' up with, "Is that a clip on earring?" It's pierced!

09:53 AM
Ann said, "Whoa, an earring!? Look out everyone, it's Renegade!" Like she doesn't LOVE Lorenzo Lamas on that show.

09:57 AM
My son asked, "Is Daddy a girl now?" What an idiot. It's an earring. Most badass dudes have one. He's got alot to learn about the world.

10:03 AM
Stone Cold? Earring. Renegade? Earring. Dog? Earring. Guy Fieri? Earring. A 'rang let's the world know you kickass & take names like I do.

10:06 AM
Know who DOESN'T have an earring, son? Harry friggin' Potter. 'Cause your hero's not a hero at all. And magic isn't real, stupid.

10:58 AM
Think my work suspension is up today. Wonder if I was supposed to go back? No one called. It's paid suspension so I'm not in a rush.

10:59 AM
Plus, the Captain Karl's Pizza Ship plans aren't done yet. Gotta really bust my hump today to git 'r done.

11:02 AM
Okay, 10th rule of Captain Karl's Pizza Ship; If you drink 11 Captain Karl's Top Shelf Margs, #12 is on the Captain. (single visit only)

11:05 AM
Crap, forgot it was Wing Wednesday. Already had 4 Lean Pockets, but I can't break tradition. Gonna really focus when I get back from BDubs.

01:53 PM
Had a nice Wing Wednesday. Took out 18 Hot BBQ and washed 'em down with 5 ice cold Buds. Probs my last of freedom, had to take advantage.

01:57 PM
Didn't need 18 wings after 4 Lean Pockets, but to be fair, they were LEAN Pockets. Musta worked up a mean hunger workin on the CK 'Za Ship.

02:06 PM
Might head to the bank with my Captain Karl's Pizza Ship notes in the AM. If I get a loan, work can kiss me where the sun don't shine! Wooo!

03:16 PM
If you achieve your dreams, it's ok to really shove it in everyone's face. Even if they seemed supportive, they were probably lying.

03:20 PM
There were alot of people who never thought I could get this cool earring. Now, I'm the man, and they can suck it.

03:23 PM
What's next? Could be a chain wallet, could be a ponytail. Who knows? What I DO know, is I'm gonna keep rockin n rollin. Just gotta be me.

04:58 PM
Tryin out some slogans for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship: "Big Flavors, Great Value, Generous Portions. That's Captain Karl's."

04:59 PM
"At Captain Karl's Pizza Ship, You'll Stuff Your Gills Without Walking The Plank."

05:02 PM
"Captain Karl's Pizza Ship; It's the finest grub from the seven seas and none of that guido crap. That's a promise." Eh?

05:05 PM
"Captain Karl's Pizza Ship; Bold Eats, Top Shelf Margs, and Sweet Babes Cans." Needs a rewrite, but it's gettin there. Gonna ask Dave.

09:05 PM
Dave thinks I should call it "Kaptain Karl's" instead of "Captain Karl's." I'm not some rapper. Don't wanna bring in the wrong crowd.

Thu Aug 04 2011

11:44 AM
Just got back from the bank. The manager at that branch is a real assclown who clearly knows nothing about exciting business ventures.

11:47 AM
Told the bank manager how Captain Karl's Pizza Ship would be all about top shelf margs, Cheeto toppings, and babes cans. He didn't "get" it.

11:50 AM
He was concerned that I never owned a restaurant before. What's to know except bold flavors, value booze, and busty sea wench waitresses?

11:56 AM
Told the bank manager about the complimentary Triscuits & Mayo. He looked like he was gonna laugh. Almost crushed his face in.

11:57 AM
I don't think I got the loan because of my 'rang. Squares never like to help out a rebel with a dream just because their lives suck ass.

12:02 PM
The bank manager also thought "buy 11 get 1 free" top shelf margs was "dangerous." I wonder what color panties he wears? Probably pink.

12:05 PM
Was so steamed that I stood up at the bank manager's desk and told him how when I get Captain Karl's Pizza Ship up & going I'd be back...

12:06 PM
...to shove it in his face and take his wife out for the hottest date she's ever had. Show what it's like to get with a real macho man.

12:08 PM
That's when the security guard escorted me out. Told him I wasn't some animal and I'd go quietly. I'm not some ghetto maniac.

12:18 PM
Went out in the parking lot of the bank, put on Stranglehold & wailed on the gas like I was gonna plow through the window. Had to get it on.

12:20 PM
When the bank manager came outside, I psyched him out like he was gonna get run down by the Sebring. Gave him the finger & peeled out.

12:23 PM
To be fair, I probably shouldn't have had 4 Crown & Diets before my bank loan meeting, but I wanted to be loose and conversational.

12:28 PM
Screw goin back to work today. I'm goin to Chili's to cool off. Sick of this, you guys.

03:49 PM
If you're feeling blue and in a psychotic rage, nothing brings you back to normal like a nice afternoon at Chili's, you guys. Hits the spot.

Fri Aug 05 2011

12:34 PM
Had to go back to work today. Sucks. Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

03:40 PM
No one even said anything about my new earring today. They must be jealous. People in the midwest are always afraid of new fashions.

03:43 PM
Got to work today and some a-hole had put a Burger King crown at my workspace. You take one BK dumpster crap and you're a joke.

03:46 PM
Screw these lowlifes. It's quittin time. Headin to Cold One City. Can I get a HELL YEAH?! 'Cause Stone Cold Karl Welzein said so.

05:56 PM
Dave wants to watch Cocktail. Why WATCH Cocktail when we can LIVE Cocktail. Gonna show him my bar tricks from way back.

06:09 PM
Just broke a bottle of Blue Curacao on the coffee table. Little rusty on my Cocktail moves. Probably shoulda warmed up with plastic.

06:27 PM
Dave's all steamed that there's Blue Curacao and glass everywhere. Why does he care?! He's had that bottle since 1996.

06:33 PM
Dave's complaining that I ruined his Far Side coffee table book with Blue Curacao. Hey doesn't even get those nerd jokes anyway. Idiot.

06:39 PM
Jeez Louise. Dave with his "glass everywhere" whining. We'll just wear shoes this weekend til I can hire a black cleanin gal to clean it up.

06:41 PM
No offense to black gals who are cleaning ladies. It's a noble job. To be fair, mexicans are usually the best. Then Polish, but they smell.

07:05 PM
Great, Dave's trackin Blue Curacao all over the pad. Just because I broke the bottle on the table, doesn't mean he isn't to blame for this.

07:09 PM
Dave acts like this is the 1st time the whole floor's been sticky. What about that time he sprayed Faygo all over like those clown buffoons?

07:12 PM
What kind of idiot wastes a 2liter of Faygo Red Pop just to be like some dumb bags of trash in Kiss makeup? Dave was weird that summer.

07:15 PM
Gettin sick of Dave complaining. Makin a roadie and headin to Arby's. MY party goes from 10:15-?, you guys. RSVPs not necessary.

10:34 PM
Lookin back, I shoulda done something cool like been a rockstar or opened up a Pizza Hut franchise. So much wasted time, you guys.

10:37 PM
Gonna go polish off this Jim Beam in my Sebring and listen to some Seger. Bob sounds better in the car. Maybe he has the answers.

Sat Aug 06 2011

11:26 AM
Woke up in the Sebring with Seger's "Live Bullet" on. Car won't start. Think Bob was too much for the battery. Also, might've wet myself.

11:29 AM
Babies & sissies wet themselves 'cause they're scared. Real men wet themselves 'cause they're blacked out on Jim Beam listenin to Bob Seger.

11:31 AM
I don't always piss my pants, but when I do, I prefer to do it because of Jim Beam. Stay thirsty, you guys.

11:40 PM
Just woke up. Took a 10 hour nap. Feelin great. Gonna make a nice breakfast. Eggos, bacon, sausage, ham, an orange garnish. Full spread.

11:49 PM
Always fancied myself as a bit of a night owl. When else can you watch Die Hard 2 AND eat a hearty breakfast?

Sun Aug 07 2011

02:30 PM
Just gettin up and around. That late night breakfast binge gave me gas. Kept wakin up every 5 minutes dreaming I was crashin a motorcycle.

03:04 PM
Dave's trying to convince me that most dudes get peener haircuts now. For what? Picture day? What an idiot.

03:08 PM
I'm not screwin around by my business with any scissors or blades of any sort. Playin beauty shop on your junk seems kinda fruity.

03:10 PM
Seems like we're nearing the end of days for real macho men. You think Charles Bronson woulda clippered his junk mane? No.

03:45 PM
Now Dave has me all self conscious that my guy shrub is out of style. Is gettin a peener trim DIY or make an appointment somewhere?

Mon Aug 08 2011

12:31 PM
Monday. Sick of this. Wish I was dead.

01:46 PM
When you get a paid suspension from work for takin a BK crap behind a dumpster, all you can think about is doin it again. Pride's overrated.

03:55 PM
Finally home. That was a rough one. Looks like it's a Jack Daniels & Hungry Man supper night. Such a winning combination. Really on point.

09:52 PM
Can't sleep, thought the Hungry Man Bourbon Steak Strips would really compliment the Jack Daniels. Heartburn City. Want to die.

09:53 PM
I gotta get this Hungry Man supper outta my stomach. Gonna pound some milk for a smooth upchuck. It's an old sailor trick, you guys.

Tue Aug 09 2011

10:00 AM
Exploded a blood vessel in my eye puking out that Hungry Man supper. Wearin my Maui Jim shades at work. Feel like a boxer. Looks badass.

09:15 PM
When are they gonna make bacon scented laundry detergent for fellas?Sick of my undies smellin like fruit and flowers and crap like that.

Wed Aug 10 2011

12:18 PM
Feels good to wear my Maui Jim's at work 'cause of the busted blood vessel from pukin. Wish I had a condition so I could wear 'em everyday.

12:20 PM
Wearin shades at work lets me hate everyone's guts, yet still have a fake smile on my face. Shut my eyes for 25 minutes and no one noticed.

12:23 PM
When I kick the bucket, I hope someone carries me around for awhile with shades on like in Weekend At Bernies. Ha! Such a classic, you guys.

01:34 PM
I wish there was someway to be declared legally dead from Monday-Wednesday every week, then be totally ok for the rest.

05:09 PM
This earring hasn't made me any new friends or broken any babes hearts. Kinda bummed. Maybe I'm not cut out for the rock n roll lifestyle.

05:35 PM
Don't understand why gals aren't drawn to my 'rang. Maybe I need 2 like Guy Fieri. He must be crushin' babes left and right.

05:38 PM
If there's anything I'm sure about, it's that Guy Fieri is one cool daddio with babes all around the world.

10:00 PM
So sick of everyone's crap. Wish I could just go renegade like The Boz in Stone Cold. Kick ass, take names, and leave failure in the past.

Thu Aug 11 2011

11:33 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:41 AM
They hired a new black fella at work. He's got an earring too! Think we should be buddies. Really take on the man.

11:43 AM
An earring, mock turtleneck, and moustache is just such a winning combination on the brothers. Looks so silky smooth.

12:23 PM
Asked the new black fella if he wanted to sneak out for an Arby's Jamocha shake break. Said he's "a'ight." He's so chillin', you guys.

12:50 PM
I wonder if the new black guy likes the Commodores? I bet. I like the Commodores too. Gonna ask him. We should chill sometime.

03:58 PM
Just maxin and relaxin at the crib with my main man Dave. Tryin to keep it on the chillin tip, a'ight?

04:42 PM
Thinkin about orderin The Best of Soul Train. Those funky soul grooves really take me back. Plus, the sistas are outtasight, you guys.

07:56 PM
Gonna wear my Kangol tomorrow. It'll make the new black guy feel like he's not the only funky soul brother at work.

08:01 PM
Always did pride myself in makin newcomers feel welcome. Plus, if I teamed up with the new black guy at work, no one's gonna mess with us.

08:20 PM
When a white guy teams up with a black guy, anything is possible. Shoot outs, adventures, tons of laughs, foxy cocoa honeys. Anything.

09:53 PM
Better hit the sack. Super pumped for Friday, you guys. Gonna kick it with the new black guy. Vernon seems pretty a'ight.

Fri Aug 12 2011

11:14 AM
Weekend haze, around my head. Friday in the sky! Happy Friday, you guys. Keep it chillin.

03:31 PM
Vernon said it'd be cool if me and Dave met him out at the club later tonight. Never been to the club! Super pumped. Supposed to text me.

03:58 PM
Told Dave, if he wants to wear cargo shorts to the club, then he can just stay home. He's embarrassing. Wearin my silk shirt. Heavy cologne.

04:00 PM
Can't wait to show off my dance moves. Black folks appreciate the classics like the robot and the worm. Get down. Get funky fresh.

04:06 PM
Warmin up with some orange pop & Hennessy. Hear that's what the brothers crave to get pumped for the club. Not so smooth, but when in Rome.

04:09 PM
Hennessy kinda tastes like kerosine. The brothers must like the taste from when they'd have to drink kerosine to get buzzed in the old days.

04:12 PM
Don't know when Vernon is supposed to "hit me up." Should probably just keep a solid buzz goin all night to be ready whenever.

04:30 PM
Dave did a shot of Hennessy. Good luck hurling later. Only full on soul brothers can do that. Honkeys can't handle it full strength.

Sat Aug 13 2011

11:11 AM
Don't know if I can face Vernon on Monday, you guys.

11:15 AM
Alot of brothers have those long hair dread things. From behind they look like caramel honeys with big booties. Disaster.

12:34 PM
So, me and Dave drank Hennessy until midnight, when Vernon said to meet us at the club. Black folks start the party late I guess. Like work.

12:36 PM
Showed up at the club about 12:30, pretty bombed. Everyone seemed in a me so horny vibe. Got right into it. All black booties look the same.

12:59 PM
Vernon said to "get my groove on." Didn't want to disappoint him. "Got busy" on his "homeboy" named "Darryl." So embarrassed.

01:06 PM
Dave freaked out, screaming, "KARL IS THIS A BLACK FAG BAR? ARE YOU A FAG FOR BLACKS!?" That's when I puked up Hennessy from a panic attack.

01:18 PM
I've pretty much decided I can't bring Dave around my soul brother pals anymore. He needs to learn screaming "BLACK FAG BAR" isn't cool.

01:21 PM
Me and Dave got hauled out. The bouncer hit Dave in the stomach for the "black fag" comment. He needed it. What an ass.

01:25 PM
"Black fags" or not, you can't call queers "fags" regardless of skin color or whether they're gay or not. It's 2011, you guys.

01:27 PM
If anyone is a fag, it's Dave. Not that it's cool to say that. Whenever you feel the need to say "fag," try "jerk." Works just fine.

01:29 PM
Sure, I might have puked up orange pop and Hennessy all over Vernon's friend Darryl's back when I dirty danced him, but I ain't a homophobe.

01:45 PM
Gonna drink 2 of these 24oz Mike's Harder Punch mangos and try to forget the whole thing. Bold flavors take away the pain away.

11:15 PM
Mike's Harder Punch mango really takes me to an island paradise of adventure. Might puke there, but it's a nice vacay.

Sun Aug 14 2011

12:46 PM
So hungover from those Mike's Harder Punch mangos. Gonna drink a few more so I can focus on the PGA. Watching golf sober is stupid.

12:48 PM
Dave keeps calling me "Chocolate Love." About to punch his face in. I didn't know it was a dude! Thought it was a cocoa honey. Sick of this.

12:52 PM
When you accidentally dirty dance on a black guy's butt, then puke Hennessy all over his back, it's not gay. Just kinda locker room hijinks.

12:57 PM
And, I GUARANTEE if that HAD been a sweet soul sista, my moves woulda had her in an African heat frenzy. I can get down.

01:00 PM
I wish my son was black. Young brothers aren't into that Harry Potter garbage unless it's Magic Johnson.

09:53 PM
Hittin the sack. Work tomorrow. Sick of this. Sick of everything. Nothing's ever good. So, sick of this.

Mon Aug 15 2011

11:21 AM
Gonna hang out in the john most of the day. Vernon won't talk to me. Just looks away and sucks his teeth. Hope he doesn't shoot me.

11:25 AM
When you get a black co-worker steamed, there's about a 5% chance of getting shot. Not a high percentage, but it's there.

11:29 AM
Eatin a dozen BK Minis. Should guarantee most of my afternoon is spent on the toilet so I can relax.

12:32 PM
Might get Vernon a gift card to Red Lobster as an "I'm sorry." Red Lobster's for the seafood brother in you.

02:37 PM
I think I'm having an anxiety attack over the whole Vernon thing. Heart's racing, diarrhea won't stop. I'm such a stupid idiot sometimes.

02:39 PM
I coulda just been chill and Vernon woulda thought I was cool. Now I'm just some dumb honkey who pukes at the club like a clown.

03:04 PM
Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna die alone in that dump with Dave, without ever having any cool black friends or anything.

03:06 PM
I got this damn earring! No one cares. I dress cool. No one cares. I'm a top notch cook. No one cares. Sick of this. No one appreciates me.

03:09 PM
Might be time to start looking out more for numero uno, you guys. I just try too hard to do the right thing and it never works.

03:10 PM
Sick of this stupid job. I never get to take my boat out. I never get to go golfing. I never get to do anything good. What's the damn point?

03:12 PM
Sick of bein pushed around. People still call me "BK" at work because I crapped outside behind the dumpster. It was an emergency!

03:15 PM
I'm gettin out of here. Screw this. Screw Vernon if he doesn't want to be my friend. Let him shoot me. I don't care. I'm goin to Paddy's.

Tue Aug 16 2011

12:49 PM
Left Vernon a TWENTY DOLLAR Red Lobster gift card on his desk this morning. No thank you. Blacks are too cool to say thanks like the Fonz.

12:51 PM
If Fonzie was black, his coolness would have been really off the hook. Probably woulda had a few kids though.

12:52 PM
If you're ever worried about a black guy shooting you, just give 'em a gift card to Red Lobster so you can get on with your life.

01:00 PM
Need to get my life together. Goin to drink a few cold ones in the Sebring. Need time to think. Might start smoking again. I need to relax.

03:41 PM
Made it through another day without Vernon shooting me. The Red Lobster gift card must've done the trick. Might start carrying one on me.

03:44 PM
All this Red Lobster talk has me craving some bold flavors from the 7 seas. Red Lob is more of a fancy weekend treat, but I earned it.

03:47 PM
Holy crap, it's Crabfest at Red Lobster! (only for a limited time). Gotta take advantage. Might even treat my first mate, Dave.

03:49 PM
When Red Lobster does it big with Crabfest, you don't think. Even if you have to kick a cripple out of your way to do it, you get there.

Wed Aug 17 2011

11:26 AM
Asked Vernon if he wanted to come to BW3s for Wing Wednesday. He said he brought a sandwich. Maybe he's not a real soul brother after all.

11:29 AM
Crabfest at Red Lobster was off the hook last night. Had the Snow Crab & Roasted Garlic Seafood Bake for just $19.99. Such a great value.

11:38 AM
Dave got the Crab Linguini Alfredo but only used it for dippin Cheddar Bay Biscuits into. Ate 4 baskets & took home his lefties. Smart move.

11:41 AM
Me & Dave musta had 6 Lobsteritas each at Red Lob. Went down so smooth. Just a perfect paring with their Crabfest selections.

11:43 AM
Kept freaking out that I saw Vernon at Red Lobster. Always turned out to be some other black guy in a mock turtleneck with an earring.

12:37 PM
Why bring a sandwich from home for lunch? Going out for lunch is the only time I don't want to shove my face through a plate glass window.

01:32 PM
In 4th grade, my family couldn't afford cafeteria food. Some days I'd eat a mustard sandwich by myself because I didn't have any friends.

01:34 PM
I'd cry everyday after school because I didn't have any pals. Sometimes my Dad would cry too because we were poor.

01:43 PM
That's why now, when I want Red Lobster on a Tuesday, I get Red Lobster. Makes a man feel like he made something of himself.

01:58 PM
In 4th grade, I got a hot roast beef sandwich at school for a birthday treat. A bully picked it up and smashed it on my only present...

01:59 PM
...,a new Detroit Tigers cap. I didn't stop punching his face until they drug me to the principal's office. When they sent...

02:00 PM
...me back to class to wait for my Mom to pick me up, the bully flicked me in the back of the ear. I beat him some more right...

02:02 PM
...there in religion 'til my teacher with the fake leg from diabetes stumbled over and carried us out. That's why I never want to be poor.

02:03 PM
Being poor makes you violent. If you can afford to go to Red Lobster, you should go. It's better than shooting someone like a Flint animal.

02:23 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

04:21 PM
I hassle Dave sometimes, but he's a good pal. It's important to have a buddy with similar interests, like splitting this case of Busch.

05:00 PM
How come in beer commercials, guys show up to hang out with just a 6-pack? They might as well walk in, spit in your face, and leave.

05:13 PM
Sick of beer companies telling us to "drink responsibly" like that's gonna help the economy. Real Americans buy 30 packs for a reason.

Thu Aug 18 2011

01:03 PM
Just ran into Vernon in the john. Let one rip while I was takin a leak. He said, "Ew, you nasty." Think he might be warming up to me.

01:05 PM
If it didn't refer to my Wendy's beefs, I think "Nasty Karl" would be a pretty cool sounding street name. "You don't mess with Nasty Karl."

01:32 PM
Just realized that Wendy's value menu has cost about the same since 1989. Something's up with Wendy's, you guys.

02:44 PM
I can't wrap my mind around how Wendy's value menu has had the same prices for over 20 years. Nothing else is like that. Mind is blown.

02:46 PM
I gotta get inside the back of a Wendy's and snoop around. Maybe they're all drug fronts. Dave Thomas coulda been the white Pablo Escobar.

02:48 PM
The secrets about Wendy's that Dave Thomas took to his grave must be shocking. I guess we'll never know the true Wendy's story.

03:01 PM
Anything that costs the same now as it did in 1989 is shady. I'm lookin at you, Wendy's. You either sell drugs or are in bed with Uncle Sam.

03:03 PM
How many people did Dave Thomas have murdered to keep his prices eternally low? It has to be in the hundreds, you guys.

03:09 PM
Can't be that hard to sneak into a Wendy's office. I can barely get some Tito to take my order when I'm standing right in front of him.

Fri Aug 19 2011

10:54 AM
Weekend wasteland! It's only weekend wasteland! Weekend wasteland, oh yeah!! WE'RE ALL WASTED!!! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

12:50 PM
Holy crap. Heard Guy Fieri is going to the Tiger game today. Gonna see if Dave & Al wanna crew up and go. Might meet the man!

12:55 PM
Pretty sure if Guy and the Triple D gang hooked up with the Welzein boys, it'd be a bold flavor and cold one explosion for the books.

01:02 PM
Screw this. Gonna try and get out of work early. Gotta get down to Comerica. Might be my chance to tell Guy about Captain Karl's Pizza Ship.

01:07 PM
When you meet Guy Fieri, you have to play it cool. Elvis never made pals with dudes who acted like a little girl with they shook his hand.

01:09 PM
I never ask for favors, but if anyone knows Guy Fieri, let him know I'm comin to the Tiger game and wanna hang, you guys.

01:12 PM
I'm pretty sure if I could just get some one on one time with Guy Fieri, my life would change forever. He has it all figured out.

01:25 PM
Plus, if anyone knows how many people Dave Thomas had murdered to keep Wendy's prices the same for 20 years, it's Guy Fieri.

01:28 PM
Gonna make a big batch of Mai Tai roadies for the trip to the Tiger game. Gotta be loose on bold flavors for when I meet Guy.

01:32 PM
When you're gettin ripped on Mai Tais in a Sebring with the top down, blaring some Seger, you feel like a god, and anything is possible.

02:50 PM
( Y ) HAHAHAHAHA!!! Ken just showed me that. Can't stop laughing! Gonna show Dave & Al later. (it's a babe's privates)

02:52 PM
Gotta get outta here and haul butt to Comerica. Look out Guy Fieri, you're about to have a rendezvous with Captain Karl & company.

Sat Aug 20 2011

01:05 PM
Yesterday was a nightmare. Tigers game was all jam packed. Musta been because Guy Fieri was there. Had to scalp tickets.

01:07 PM
Forked over 300 bucks to some buffoon named "Peanut." Told us they were field level tickets. Turned out to be standing room.

01:08 PM
Peanut took our bread and hit the bricks on a crappy girl's 10 Speed. Probably went to score some dope. Friggin Detroit animal.

01:12 PM
Couldn't find Guy Fieri anywhere at the Tigers game. He musta been in a box with all his fat cat Triple D buddies, livin the good life.

01:13 PM
There's no way they'd let a superstar of the bold flavor world like Guy Fieri sit in normal seats at a big league game. He'd get mobbed.

01:22 PM
We decided to just enjoy the game anyway, even if we couldn't meet Guy. Buncha smokin babes in the standing room section. Raar!

01:25 PM
Dave was ogling some babe's cans when her boyfriend saw him checkin out the goods. Got really steamed. Told him to "take a hike."

01:27 PM
Dave said, "Hey, free country. If your gal doesn't want me peepin on her hogs, then she shouldn't have 'em on display." Wrong answer.

03:38 PM
Passed out. So exhausted. So anyway, Dave got kicked out of the Tigers game after that chick punched his balls and called him a pervert.

03:43 PM
If there's one thing that'll get you kicked out of a baseball game it's grabbing your sore swollen groin while a babe calls you a pervert.

Mon Aug 22 2011

11:20 AM
I wish the new black guy, Vernon, would just get to it and shoot up work so I could have the day off to try and find the bottom of a bottle.

12:28 PM
Nosey lady gave out sheets with phone numbers we can call if we need "therapy" for stress. The only therapy I need is a solid BM.

03:12 PM
Got home early. Caught Dave eating Miracle Whip with a spoon out of the jar. Worried that this has been going on for a while.

03:29 PM
Worried about Dave. Anyone who eats Miracle Whip out of the jar must have some demons. It's not even something like blue cheese dressing.

03:31 PM
Sure, I'll eat a spoonful of blue cheese dressing from time to time. So decadent. But I do it in moderation. I'm not some maniac.

05:21 PM
Might stage an intervention with Dave about this eating Miracle Whip out of the jar thing. It's unacceptable behavior and really unhealthy.

Tue Aug 23 2011

11:41 AM
Looks like Vernon never showed up today. Hope he's not dead. Sadly, sometimes blacks pass away early in life due to health problems.

11:46 AM
I try to keep fit but I slip from time to time. Last night I ordered late night Domino's just to watch the pizza tracker. Such a blast.

11:48 AM
Watching the Domino's pizza tracker makes you feel like you're part of the action. Pie's pretty average, the the technology is off the hook.

11:51 AM
Might give Vernon a ring. Make sure he's just chillin' and not really sick or anything. We had a falling out, but a pal's a pal.

12:26 PM
No answer from Vernon. Gonna try back in 5. Make sure my main man's ok.

01:31 PM
Called Vernon about 6 times. No answer. Gonna wait 'til nosey lady leaves her desk and try to get his address. Go do some recon.

01:52 PM
Nosey Lady caught me at her desk lookin' for Vernon's address. Told her I was lookin' for Anti-Diarrhea medicine. Shut her down right away.

01:55 PM
Got the address though. Told nosey lady I had to run out for Imodium AD. Headed to Vernon's. Don't worry buddy, Captain Karl's comin'.

01:56 PM
The best time to fake diarrhea at work is with about 2 hrs left in the day. Saves a sick day, and you still get that half day feeling.

02:54 PM
No sign of Vernon at his crib. A neighbor yelled at me for looking in his windows. Had to make a break for it. Didn't want to get shot.

02:56 PM
Stopped home for a root beer float. Told work I had an accident in the car. A root beer float is worth people thinkin you messed yourself.

02:58 PM
Just heard about the big quake. Hope we can join together at least as much as we did for the Asians. Everyone's gonna need to pitch in.

03:01 PM
It's ok to halfass helpin out other countries when they have a natural disaster. But this is the USA. Let's roll, you guys.

03:02 PM
As soon as a I finish this second root beer float, I'm gonna work on a food donation box for the Virginians. It's goin down so smooth.

06:49 PM
Can't wait to shove it everyone's face at work how I made this food donation box for the VA quake. Show 'em how I care better than them.

06:51 PM
Those poor Virginia hillbillies must be a wreck. All their shanties are probably destroyed. They ain't so bright down there. Glad to help.

06:59 PM
Gonna make a big pot of Woppy Karl's Special Spaghetti to celebrate helpin the filthy Virginia homeless quake victims. Bold herbs & spices.

07:16 PM
When you help the less fortunate, the biggest reward is being able to hold your head high, knowing that you're better than everyone.

Wed Aug 24 2011

10:30 AM
Brought my food donation box for Virginia to work, everyone said they didn't need it. Who doesn't want canned goods after a disaster?!

10:31 AM
I think everyone's just jealous that I was gonna get all the credit for the good deed. They were all on board when we sent one to Asia.

10:35 AM
Vernon never showed up for work again. Wonder if he got sacked? Might have to call Jesse Jackson on this one.

10:36 AM
Goin to BW3s for some Hot BBQ wings and a few cold ones. Being a philanthropist makes you work up a mean hunger, you guys.

07:13 PM
Been snackin' on this Domino's pizza all week. Not that good, but such a great value. Really over ordered, but it's payin' off.

07:15 PM
Pizzaries: When you order way too much pizza so you don't have to buy groceries for the week.

Thu Aug 25 2011

11:39 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:26 PM
Dave ran into my old flame, Brenda, from highschool at Paddy's last night. She had the 3rd biggest boobs in class. Real choice.

12:27 PM
Dave said Brenda's havin a big bash on Saturday and wants us to stop by. If Ann only knew, she'd freak! Can't wait to catch up on old times.

12:30 PM
Dave said Brenda's not quite as good in the face area anymore, but her cans are still healthy. Maybe even bigger.

12:31 PM
Goin to do some pushups in the john. Gotta look GOOD for Brenda. Show I still got the goods.

01:34 PM
Did 15 pushups in the john. Bod is feelin' tight. Gonna really knock Brenda's socks off. Gotta keep it healthy 'til Saturday.

01:41 PM
Not gonna eat anything but canned tuna and granola bars until Brenda's Saturday bash. Wanna get lean & mean in case I take my shirt off.

01:47 PM
Gonna hit GNC later. See if there's a supplement that turns fat into poop. It has to exist by now.

02:36 PM
If I can crap out a few extra pounds of fat by Saturday, might have to pull the ol' "accidental BBQ sauce spill" and pop my jersey.

02:38 PM
Anytime you want to take your shirt off in front of a gal, just spill BBQ sauce on yourself. Makes it so you're not showin off.

Fri Aug 26 2011

10:57 AM
"The Friday's back in town! The Friday's back in town!" Always was my jam, you guys. Happy Friday to ya. Can't wait for the weekend.

11:01 AM
Leaked a little loose stool into my unders last night from my diet supplements. Turning fat into poop isn't perfected yet I guess.

11:15 AM
Made a few red wine & gin cocktails last night. Might've made me mess myself, not the diet supplements. Breaking new ground has a price.

11:18 AM
I call red wine & gin, "The Christmas Karl." Tastes like an Xmas where you find out your wife is screwin your bro and your kid has cancer.

Sat Aug 27 2011

12:53 PM
Had the runs all day yesterday. Today's more like the trots. Headin to Brenda's in a bit. Hope my rear end behaves. Gotta look smooth.

01:02 PM
Told Dave he has to play it cool at Brenda's. We're bringin a cooler full of Captain Karl's Top Shelf Margs. (special recipe)

01:04 PM
I must've pooped out like 7lbs of fat in the last 2 days. Feelin slim! When you're meeting up with an old flame, you gotta look your best.

Sun Aug 28 2011

02:36 PM
Had a blast at Brenda's last night. She threw a monster bash. Must've been 25 people there. It was dynamite.

02:39 PM
Dave behaved himself. Was proud of him. He only ripped one juicy cut that was nasty (brats, understandable) but otherwise kept it together.

02:43 PM
I was getting righteous on the dance floor. Broke out the funky worm to some Gap Band. Always a crowd pleaser. Leaked a little stool though.

02:44 PM
Had to go in the john to ditch my undies due to my funky worm wet gas release. Felt good to go cowboy like a rock star.

02:47 PM
Worked up a mean sweat with my moves. Asked Brenda if she'd help take off my Big Dogs tee. She obliged with kindness. Offered me a towel.

02:51 PM
Brenda took me in her room for privacy so I could wipe my body down. Could tell she liked what she saw. I've been crappin out fat all week.

02:54 PM
Brenda's cans looked so delish, I had to get it on. I put some Back in Black on her boombox, and went in for a little smooch.

02:58 PM
Brenda started goin wild. She took her shirt off and it was ripe bomb city. (big gutso & her face were old, but it was dark and I was randy)

03:01 PM
When you're getting busy with an old flame, it doesn't matter if you're attracted to them, you just let the memories heat up the situation.

03:02 PM
Brenda undid her bra and the twins fell out like I died and went to hog heaven, you guys.

03:04 PM
We were gettin pretty hot & heavy, I was all over those big beauties. It's been awhile. Then Dave busted in to take a crap. Brenda freaked.

03:05 PM
Dave stood there starin at Brenda's rack like he's never seen a girl before, asking if he could #2 in her toilet 'cause the other one broke.

03:08 PM
When a man has to make a BM, you let him, even if you're enjoyin a babes large & lovelies. Brenda's breath smelled like Doritos anyway.

03:23 PM
Brenda was kind of a cold fish after Dave saw her cans & destroyed her john, but maybe we'll meet up another time. Old flames die hard.

03:49 PM
Dave feels bad bout ruinin my 2nd base action with his brat diarrhea. Treated me to Gardettos and Vodka & Vernor's tonight. Real bold combo.

03:58 PM
Gardetto's has the bold european taste that sophisticated snack connoisseurs like me crave. Almost as good as Combo's.

Mon Aug 29 2011

12:03 PM
Woke up late today and didn't have time to shower. Gardetto's garlic sweat is pouring out of my body. I smell like some pizza slave.

01:42 PM
My pits are so rank. Keepin my arms clasped down all day is starting to hurt my back. Might do a sink scrub in the john.

02:21 PM
Was givin myself a nice sink scrub in the john. Thought I locked the door. Vernon came in when I was goin at my crotch. I don't need this.

02:25 PM
Last thing I need is everyone to think I'm the hobo guy who washes his balls & b-hole in the sink at work. Hope Vernon keeps it hush.

02:30 PM
What's worse: havin a smelly Gardetto's crotch? Or scrubbin your nuts in the work sink? I think the answer's pretty obvious, you guys.

03:43 PM
My crotch is all sore from scrubbin it with recycled paper towels. No one can say I'm not doing my part for Mother Earth.

05:18 PM
Thinkin about writin a letter to Penthouse Forum about my hot times with Brenda this weekend. Probably leave out the Dave diarrhea part.

05:20 PM
Always wanted to be in Penthouse Forum. It's an exclusive club. But it's hard when you're married with only stories about passive hate.

Tue Aug 30 2011

12:41 PM
Had the California Whopper from BK for lunch. It's only for a limited time so I had to take advantage, you guys. Bold Hollywood flavors.

12:43 PM
When I first heard that the California Whopper combined bacon, swiss, and guac, well, I knew I was right on board. It's just my style.

12:50 PM
I never thought the locals at a MI Burger King could ever pull off that California taste, but I was sure wrong. Feel like hittin some waves.

01:00 PM
Don't know if folks around here'll be able to wrap their heads around the California Whopper. It's more for gourmet connoisseurs.

01:04 PM
Wonder if Guy Fieri tried the California Whopper yet? Probably a buncha times. I can just picture him, takin that first outta bounds bite.

01:12 PM
I guess if you're a broke lowlife or some sorta sissy baby who can't eat a whole sandwich, good news, BK makes a California Whopper Jr. too.

01:56 PM
Just finished up my letter to Penthouse Forum. Think it's soundin pretty good. Not too raunchy, just a little something for the imagination.

02:00 PM
Dear Penthouse Forum, I know this will sound unbelievable, and I don't think I'd believe it either if I wasn't writing it.

02:01 PM
I few ticks back, I was groovin heavy with this dream babe named Brenda. (this was before I got married and all that crap) Brenda had the...

02:06 PM
...3rd biggest gazongas in class, and we were hot 'n heavy. Time went by and we went our separate ways when I got married and crap. When...

02:07 PM
...things cooled off with my old lady, I was left high and dry for action. But then, my man Dave ran into Brenda at the bar, and said her...

02:08 PM
...cans were still lookin righteous. Brenda asked what I was up too and said we should rendezvous at a bash she was throwing. Brats, cold...

02:10 PM
...ones, top shelf margs, the works. Of course I was game and we headed over the next day. The party was in full gear, but I got all...

02:11 PM
...nasty from doing the worm on the dance floor. Guess it got Brenda hot and bothered and she asked me back to her private room for a...

02:12 PM
...little show and tell. She went to work on my body immediately, taking my shirt off and my jim jammer got ready to rock. That's when...

02:15 PM
...Brenda's slammin chest beefers came out and I was goin wild like you wouldn't believe. They were hot and juicy with all the fixins. I...

02:16 PM
...went in for the big grab on her double gulps, and she was insane with carnal desires. Unfortunately, that's when Dave busted in and...

02:19 PM
...interrupted the xxx action, so we never went all the way. I'm sure I'll see Brenda again some day, but until then, I'm just gonna have...

02:21 PM
...too keep warm at night with the memory of Brenda's breastos supreme. Keep it rockin' Penthouse and I will too. -Captain Karl

Wed Aug 31 2011

11:33 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Had 9 Caribbean Jerk & 9 Blazin. Took a whizz after and now my sack's on fire.

11:35 AM
BW3s should have a something on their menu that says, "WARNING: Do not touch your sack after Blazin Wings." Maybe have gloves in the john.

12:03 PM
Last night, Dave said that the Penthouse Forum letters are made up. Idiot. Like you can just make up that erotic stuff if you didn't do it.

12:17 PM
I gotta figure out how to get my Penthouse Forum letter into the hands of the big wigs there. Wish I knew someone in the adult industry.

12:32 PM
Found the address. Might have some pals all send my Forum letter in for better odds. Penthouse Magazine PO Box 420235 Palm Coast, FL 32142

12:36 PM
I think maybe if I send an old pic of Brenda when her cans were still young and juicy like the Penthouse guys crave, that might help too.

01:35 PM
My man veggies are still on fire from that Blazin wing sauce. I'd do a work sink sack scrub down, but last time it was a disaster.

03:42 PM
Got home tonight and Dave was all spruced up. Said he's goin on a date. I Hope she REALLY likes Brut cologne.

03:45 PM
Dave's actin all weird and won't tell me who his date is with. Probably a lie like his last "date" when I found him passed out in Taco Bell.

03:55 PM
Dave doesn't know how to act on a date anyway. You can't just go through an Arby's drive-thru and boink out your peener. Gotta show class.

03:57 PM
When I entertain a babe, I do it right; holdin doors, paying, steaks, great convos, NICE smellin goods (not Brut). The works.

04:00 PM
If Dave can't tell me who his date's with, I can't tell him he still has the tag on his cargo shorts. Enjoy your night, "St. John's Bay."

08:39 PM
It's a nice night at the pad with no Dave. Made a batch of Hormel Chili (with my special herbs & spices) and a few cold ones. Nothin better.

08:44 PM
Wonder how Dave's hot "date" is going? If I know Dave, he's probably lyin in a ditch somewhere with a jack mag, cryin 'bout his peener . Ha!

08:48 PM
Thinkin about gettin my own pad. Made a #2 with the door open. It's so luxurious when aren't confined in a restroom cage. Livin the dream!

Thu Sep 01 2011

11:25 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:59 AM
Dave never came home last night. Kinda worried. No way his "date" went well. He probably blew it, got depressed, and crawled in a dumpster.

12:09 PM
Brenda just called to ask if I've heard from Dave today. Weird. Wonder if she set him up with one of her friends and it went bad?

01:17 PM
Dave's trashed outside of my work in the parking lot!

01:43 PM
Kinda steamed at Dave, you guys.

01:44 PM
Dave is out of his mind drunk. He said he went on date with Brenda and feels really bad about lying to me. I guess it didn't go so well.

01:47 PM
He got all teared up and mumbly like Stan Laurel. Said he couldn't resist Brenda's cans once he got a look and asked her out to Big Boy.

01:50 PM
Dave said he only brought $5 and couldn't pay. Brenda got all up in arms about it because she only had a twenty to last her for the week.

01:54 PM
Dave said he pounded a half pint of Popov to calm his nerves before the date, so he was a mess. He knew things weren't going well...

01:57 PM
...so he went in to grab her "juicy lucys" and Brenda freaked. You can't just go for a babe's cans in a booth at Big Boy, you guys.

01:59 PM
Dave said he had to crap and just ditched out the door. Left Brenda high and dry with the bill, but forgot his keys in the booth.

02:02 PM
Dave thinks Brenda probably has his Skylark. He went and blew his 5 bucks on malt liquor and walked around all night, not wantin to face me.

02:04 PM
I put Dave in the Sebring to sleep it off. He's a wreck. I feel sorry for him. Hate that he lied to me, but that just means he's insecure.

02:05 PM
If he just would've been honest, I would've told Dave that Brenda would never waste her time on a sack of crap like him. Save his feelings.

02:12 PM
And, let's be honest. Brenda probably just went out with Dave to make me jealous. I'm Captain Friggin' Karl. Bad Boy City, USA.

02:14 PM
I'm not gonna let some haggard old broad from high school come between me and my sack of crap buddy, Dave. I already had them cans.

02:16 PM
Dave is my friend. And friends stick together, you guys. First thing after work, we're going to get his ride back from that sow.

Fri Sep 02 2011

12:19 PM
'Cause it's once, twice, three days this weekend! Happy Friday, you guys. Kind of a rough week. Gotta cut loose, kick off my Friday shoes.

12:21 PM
Went to get Dave's Skylark back from Brenda last night. She wasn't home so we went in the back door to try and find the keys.

12:23 PM
Brenda's house is pretty disgusting. Dirty dishes everywhere. 4 cats. Big framed Patrick Swayze poster though which was kinda cool.

12:25 PM
Dave kept dickin around instead of trying to find the keys. Went through her fridge for 10 minutes trying to find his lefties from Big Boy.

12:31 PM
I kept yellin at Dave to forget his stupid Big Boy lefties and find his keys. That's when Brenda pulled in the driveway.

12:33 PM
We had to pile out the backdoor and hop a fence. Dave pulled his groin and ripped his golf shirt. Not me, I watch Cops.

12:50 PM
Walked around the block, then made Dave go up the door. Brenda wouldn't answer. Gonna have to break in again later. Kinda fun actually.

01:05 PM
Told Dave he could use the Sebring until we can steal his Skylark back. One rule: no drivin & strokin. I know what he does sometimes.

01:25 PM
Labor day weekend is the time when we all celebrate the deep hate of our jobs by getting blackout drunk unless you're an unemployed idiot.

02:23 PM
I hate to be crass, but whoever made the decision to have us work a full day needs a dogshit sandwich smashed in their face.

Sat Sep 03 2011

11:42 AM
Gonna take er easy today. Had a big week. Watch some football, sip cold ones, order Papa Johns, really gear up for a Sunday/Monday blow out.

Sun Sep 04 2011

12:41 PM
Got pretty messed up last night. Didn't mean to. Tried to take 'er easy, but the night was callin'. Went to Crazy Cooter's with Dave.

12:50 PM
Crazy Cooter is the piece of garbage you hang out with for good times, even though everyone hates his guts.

12:52 PM
Told Crazy Cooter about Brenda takin Dave's Skylark. He got all nuts about it. Punched a hole in his drywall and made us go over there.

01:02 PM
Crazy Cooter said he could hotwire Dave's Skylark. Busted open the window with a cinder block. Said, "there was no time for discussion."

01:06 PM
Of course, Crazy Cooter had NO IDEA how to hotwire Dave's Skyark. He just started punching the dashboard and screaming.

01:08 PM
A bunch of lights came on in the neighborhood and we got the rock outta there. I guess Crazy Cooter is on probation.

01:19 PM
I think Crazy Cooter has anger issues. Maybe he just needs a hug. Not from me though. He smells like wet cigarette butts.

01:51 PM
Gonna just kickback today. Gotta rest up for the big celebration tomorrow. Eatin some Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese. Bold taste sensation.

04:19 PM
I just ate a whole bag of Ruffles, you guys. Life isn't so bad.

Mon Sep 05 2011

12:17 PM
Haven't really heard about any rockin parties today. Guess Crazy Cooter drove his motorcycle into his above ground pool and it's a disaster.

12:23 PM
Don't know how Crazy Cooter could afford to have a motorcycle AND an above ground pool. He's a lucky piece of garbage.

12:27 PM
Crazy Cooter said, "he came home last night all gacked out on his bike, was like, f*ck it, and gunned it into the side of his pool."

12:29 PM
"F*ck it?!" That's your reasoning for slamming a motorcycle into the side of an above ground pool? Woulda been great to see, but it's sad.

12:30 PM
Might see what Ann & the kids are up to. Families are a last ditch effort for holiday parties, but it'll give her a thrill if I popped by.

01:53 PM
Ann said she'd rather I didn't but if I can "act like an adult" I can stop by for "a little." Makin a booze grab bag and headin over.

Tue Sep 06 2011

11:16 AM
Had a blast at Ann & the kids yesterday until Tina Carlson started openin her sow hole. Tryin to butt into my life. Was so steamed.

11:18 AM
Tina drinks too much. Just a no class broad with a catcher's mitt mug. Tryin to tell me how my earring looks "desperate." She's jealous.

11:20 AM
Tina told me that I was turning into a real deadbeat, but if I wanted help, everyone's there for me. From her? I'd rather suck a tailpipe.

11:22 AM
Tina's bozo husband Doug said, "Yeah Karl, we're here for you." Then stuck out his hand for a shake. A real man goes for a pound. Sissy.

11:26 AM
Doug is such a corncob. Always readin self help books. Put my finger in is chest and said, "Back off, pal." He got my drift.

11:28 AM
Think anyone ever tries to give Guy Fieri "help" for livin the rock n roll lifestyle? I don't think so. Anyone who does is just jealous.

11:32 AM
Challenged Doug to a shot contest. Brought that tequila with the built in pourer that Michael Spaghetti sells. Great for on the go.

11:42 AM
Ann saw what was going on and tried to stop it. But a shot contest is like a gunfight. Women need to stay out of it.

11:44 AM
I knocked back 5 shots just to take the lead, then told that bozo Doug to pick his panties out of his wife's fat keester and step up.

11:57 AM
Doug said a shot contest was immature. I said, "your wife's big sloppers aren't." Burned him down.

11:59 AM
Tina went all bonkers like some animal. Using foul language in front of the kids and everything. Just a no class bag of garbage.

12:02 PM
I put all my booze in a bag & told 'em I didn't need to be part of their behavior. I'm better'n that. Whizzed on their car on the way out.

12:28 PM
If you can't stand someone's guts, it's ok to take a leak on their car if you really had to go anyway. Forcin it out is a hate crime.

04:51 PM
Just got a phone call from Ann. She wanted to discuss my "behavior" yesterday. Told her Tina started it. She's so immature.

04:53 PM
Tina Carlson is one of those gals with a pushover husband who thinks she can just boss around anyone. Not me. I'll urinate on your car.

04:54 PM
I made sure I got my urine all up in the grill too. Wait til they use the heater soon. It'll be hot mustard city for the Carlsons. Ha!

04:56 PM
Ann said some of the neighbors saw me urinate on the Carlson's car & wondered, "What's up with Karl?" I'm just dandy. THEY have the problem.

04:57 PM
If you see a man urinating on a car, and you don't turn away, maybe it's time to worry about your own sick pleasures and not the pee guy.

Wed Sep 07 2011

02:07 PM
Forgot today was Wing Wednesday because of the long weekend. Ate at stupid Quiznos. Day is pretty much ruined, you guys. Hate myself.

04:13 PM
Goin to get take out wings so I can eat more at home without being embarrassed or judged. Gotta make up for my mistake.

08:24 PM
Ate 24 wings right in Dave's face. Got a dozen lefties. Not sharing. It's a power move.

Thu Sep 08 2011

11:00 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:30 AM
Don't want to use the word, genius, but gettin an extra dozen wings last night made for an out of bounds breakfast with healthy wheat toast.

11:42 AM
Why isn't chicken ever a breakfast item? Steak, pork, sausage; all breakfast. No chicken. Think I broke some ground with my breakfast wings.

11:47 AM
Might have to make a few calls about my breakfast wings idea. Could be a game changer. Captain Karl's Breakfast Wings, start the day rockin.

11:50 AM
"Captain Karl's Breakfast Wings are chock full of vitamin W to help you start the day right."

12:11 PM
"Captain Karl's Breakfast Wings: kick some A in the AM with the bold flavors of CKBW's." Winner winner breakfast chicken dinner.

12:22 PM
Goin to get some markers and drawing paper. Gonna work on my Breakfast Wing idea in the john since I'll probably be in there because of 'em.

05:26 PM
Really tearing up at this Kid Rock jam. What a true patriot. God bless the USA, you guys. We're all #1.

05:27 PM
I WAS BORN FREE!!!

05:29 PM
It's ok for a real man to shed a tear, especially when it's for America AND football. And you're a little bombed on ice cold Busch.

05:39 PM
Heard Kid Rock was hangin out with Guy Fieri. Man, what I'd do to be a fly on the wall when those 2 rockstar masterminds collided.

05:44 PM
Gonna go with the Pack on this one. Green Bay is real America. That hurricane thing was forever ago. Time to stop the Saints pity party.

Fri Sep 09 2011

11:48 AM
Go ahead, make my Friday. (That's from Dirty Harry, you guys. such a classic.) Ha!

12:01 PM
Had a scare this morning. Dave tried to open a can of baked beans with scissors. Real disaster. Can't be too careful about the AIDS.

12:03 PM
Chances are, Dave doesn't have the AIDS. But he doesn't have a doctor or health insurance either, so gotta be careful.

12:05 PM
Dave stuck his hand pretty bad with those scissors. They're going in the trash. Then he ruined my Lions bath towel. Pretty steamed.

12:07 PM
After Dave wrapped his hand in toiletpaper, he just ate the rest of the beans out of the bloody can! I got lightheaded and had to sit down.

12:10 PM
Drank a Vernor's and felt better. Told Dave he should probably go get stitches. He didn't want to ruin his day off. Hope his hand falls off.

12:25 PM
Dave's always sayin how he's holding out for free health care. Yeah right. This is America, not some lazy 3rd world charity country.

12:27 PM
People who have health care EARNED it with hard work, Dave. And like doctor's are just gonna be cool earning a crappy teacher's salary.

12:29 PM
You think people are gonna study for years to be a POOR doctor, just to help people? Maybe a few idiots, but that's it.

04:12 PM
Home sweet home, Cold One City, USA. Here's to a great weekend & good friends, all across the nation. Make it special, you guys.

Sat Sep 10 2011

03:58 PM
Just remembered about Dave's Skylark. It's still sittin outside Brenda's with a busted window. Been seriously rained soaked. Wet dog city.

04:00 PM
When you abandon a car outside of someone else's house, I think you should get a tax write off. Kids love to play in that crap.

04:02 PM
I got a fever, and the only cure, is more football. Ha!

04:02 PM
I feel like I could drink about a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Sun Sep 11 2011

01:01 PM
Really draggin. I feel like I drank about a thousand beers yesterday, you guys.

02:01 PM
I wish Dave understood that running the sink doesn't cover up the backdoor explosions caused by his Tina's Burrito binge. Tryin to eat here.

02:09 PM
There's nothin worse than tryin to eat a nice bowl of chili while hearin another man tear his rear end to shreds with a violent release.

02:13 PM
When Dave goes in for an extended stinky he brings his Walkman and listens to his Whitesnake cassette like that covers up the shame.

02:18 PM
9/11. Never forget. Truly a day of patriotism. I'd personally like to raise a toast to all of the fallen Americans. Let's roll, you guys.

02:21 PM
If you're not gettin blackout drunk today for the USA, you should just move your commie butt to Mexico. That's what I think. We'll prevail.

02:23 PM
God bless this goddamn country. I'm so proud of you guys. WE'LL kick the shit out of you if you mess with us.

02:26 PM
I wish there was some other bastards to shoot the faces off today. Coulda showed it during the Lions game. WE earned that.

03:31 PM
May the eagles soar to the heavens today with the grace of God for the USA forever, you guys.

Mon Sep 12 2011

11:42 AM
Really draggin today. Feel like we should have had the day off since 9/11 was on a Sunday. Would have been the right thing to show respect.

12:25 PM
Feel like crap. Musta drank a weekender by myself yesterday. Feels good to have done it for a good cause though. These colors don't run.

01:10 PM
So steamed they made us work today. Sick of this. Goin to take a toilet nap in protest. It's the right thing to do for the USA, you guys.

Tue Sep 13 2011

11:24 AM
Made a big batch of Bologna Salad Sandwich Spread last night you guys. Man, sure takes me back. Such a classic.

11:48 AM
Captain Karl's Olde Tyme Bologna Salad Sandwich Spread is a midwestern treat with savory Michigan flavors the whole family can enjoy.

11:50 AM
I like to start with a pound of Koegel's ring bologna. Koegel's is the only way to go in the bold flavor bologna game, you guys.

11:55 AM
Finely chop the bologna or toss it in your food processor. Dave got drunk and broke ours putting crayons in it so it was alot of work.

12:00 PM
Then dice up 1/2 cup of white onion. Again, if you have a food processor, use it. And I just take a guess. Dave lost the measurin cups.

12:01 PM
Some people like to use a 1/2 cup of sweet relish. I like 1/4 cup sweet, and 1/4 cup dill pickles. (just a little bold flavor trick)

12:05 PM
That's when we get to the mayo vs. Miracle Whip debate. I like to mix it up and go 1/4 cup MDub & 1/4 cup mayo, but Dave ate all the mayo.

12:06 PM
Some people like to add hard cooked eggs, but I like sticking with straight bologna. No need to screw with Koegel's bologna perfection.

12:08 PM
Mix the crap out of it, add pepper and garlic powder to taste or maybe some Lawry's to break it off the chain for bold flavor lovers.

12:16 PM
I likes my Captain Karl's Bologna Spread on Spatz's toast. Picked up a few loaves for the freeze on my last trip to the Bay City Hooter's.

12:20 PM
Might have Dave tape me makin my dish to send into Food Network. Captain Karl's Fine Midwestern Cuisines would be such a hit, you guys.

01:48 PM
Dreamin about my own food show is makin the day easier. I could never be as big as Guy, but I'd wipe the floor with that Aaron Nachoz guy.

02:00 PM
I've gotta get outta this job. It's frustrating to be an idea man trapped in a cage when there's so many corncobs out there in the big time.

02:09 PM
Feel like I could add rockin flavors to the Food Network. There's no way anyone likes havin that Sandra Lee around. Like a wife from hell.

02:12 PM
And those cake shows have to hit the bricks too. Those are for gals and sissies. Put 'em on the Oprah channel for the chunkies to watch.

03:00 PM
Leavin work early (family emergency). Gonna have Dave tape my Food Network demo. Time to be the shining rockstar I know I can be.

Wed Sep 14 2011

11:35 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Went for 24 Mango Habs. 12 for now. 12 for later. Really make everyone jealous at work around 4:30.

11:44 AM
Last night's Food Network demo taping was a disaster. Dave kept pointing the camera at my crotch and saying, "What's cookin' Karl?"

11:48 AM
Dave doesn't know anything about chasing dreams. He's a real low life. Made me so mad I threw my beer at him and he dropped the camera.

11:50 AM
That camera was vintage. Taped straight to VHS. So convenient. All this crap now makes it so hard to enjoy your memories right away.

02:16 PM
Dave called, he's been watching my crotchy Food Network demo all day, cracking up. Wants to send it to America's Funniest Home Videos.

02:24 PM
If AFHV shows a video of me making Bologna Salad while Dave makes fun of my crotch, I'll make him not be alive anymore.

02:37 PM
If you've ever been an assclown on America's Funniest Home Videos, you might as well check in your cool card and forget about your life.

04:20 PM
Dave hid my Bologna Salad crotch video. Said he thinks he could win AFHV with it. Won't give it back unless I come up with some "bread."

04:25 PM
Who calls money, "bread?" Who does Dave think he is? Some brother on Good Times?

Thu Sep 15 2011

12:04 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:06 PM
Since Dave won't give up the tape of me makin Bologna Salad while he makes fun of my crotch, I had to get even. I'm a fan of street justice.

12:11 PM
Put all the TP, TV remotes, ranch dressing, Penthouses, Pizza Rolls, Toaster Strudels, and booze in my trunk. Dave should crack anytime now.

12:12 PM
When you mess with the bull, you get the horns, right in your keester. Think Steven Seagal said somethin like that in Out for Justice.

12:28 PM
When a pal is tryin to humiliate you, you need to ruin their life for a few days. Healthy competition is what friendship is all about.

02:16 PM
Snuck out for a trunk booze cocktail, some warm car trunk Pizza Rolls & flipped threw a Penthouse. Secret recipe for an afternoon recharge.

02:20 PM
Sendin a male stripper to freak out Dave tonight. Such a classic gag! Might hit up Chili's tonight for some top shelf margs to celebrate.

02:23 PM
Made sure I ordered a "beefy soul brother" stripper. Hope Dave wants to kill himself when he see's that horse meat waggin in his face. Ha!

Fri Sep 16 2011

01:09 PM
Just gettin around. Woke up in the Sebring this morning covered in top shelf puke. Musta been a bad batch of margs. Happy Friday, you guys.

01:20 PM
Called in sick. When you're feelin ill, doesn't matter how you got that way. I've had 11 margs before and been fine. I'm not irresponsible.

01:26 PM
Haven't seen Dave today. Think he might be steamed cause I sent him that black stripper and stole everything he had to live for.

01:37 PM
Hope Dave's not dead. I'd be sad for almost the whole weekend. Ha!

02:58 PM
Makin a big juicy steak. It'll really hit the spot. When you toss your cookies, you gotta let your body know who's boss with a solid meal.

06:38 PM
Friday off, had a big steak, grilled some back up brats for later, 12 pack down, Crown to go, watched Roadhouse twice. American dreamin.

Sat Sep 17 2011

02:40 PM
If you didn't go to Notre Dame and you're a Notre Dame fan, you got your life all wrong, buddy. Quit livin a bullcrap lie.

02:41 PM
Hey Notre Dame, I got your Touchdown Jesus right here. In my pants. If you catch my drift, you guys.

02:58 PM
Most Notre Dame fans are just churchy corncobs who were too stupid to even go to school there. It's pretty sad.

02:59 PM
God doesn't care about Notre Dame football. The big man's too busy with important stuff like the troops and the good ol' USA.

03:08 PM
I got nothin against Notre Dame or the man upstairs, but I don't take kindly to punks walkin around actin like they're better than me.

03:19 PM
I mean, I didn't go to MSU or U of M. But I gotta root for 'em. I'm a Michigan man.

04:05 PM
At the end of a football game, it doesn't matter who won or lost. It only matters if you're drunk as crap.

04:21 PM
Has anyone seen Dave?

Sun Sep 18 2011

01:33 PM
Kinda worried about Dave. Phone goes straight to voicemail. And he missed the Lions game. They rocked! Hope he's not in a ditch or somethin.

01:45 PM
Watchin the Lions together is kinda a tradition for me & Dave. He never misses it. Except for that one time he had a kidney stone.

01:54 PM
I hope that hung soul brother stripper didn't murder Dave. Never know what he might have said with a huge johnson in his face.

02:32 PM
Gonna make some missing Dave flyers to put up around the neighborhood. Least I could do for a pal. Need a snooze first though. Kinda bombed.

Mon Sep 19 2011

12:17 PM
Dave just called asking if he got any mail. He never gets ANY mail. Then said his dad died so he wouldn't be back until tomorrow.

12:19 PM
Really steamed at Dave. Thought we were like family. Didn't know his Dad was still alive, but still. It'd be nice to stay in the loop.

12:20 PM
Plus, Dave's dead dad coulda got me outta work today! And all those tasty down home potluck funeral eats?! Man, feel like I'm missing out.

12:23 PM
And you KNOW there's gonna be taco salad with Doreets at the funeral reception. It's a guarantee. Such a classic. Bold funeral flavors.

12:26 PM
Hmm, work doesn't know what day Dave's dad's funeral is. Might tell 'em it's tomorrow. Take the day off to mourn with Dave. Do it up right.

12:35 PM
When a pal has a death in the family, it's important to show respect and milk it for all it's worth. Turn a negative into a positive.

04:37 PM
Really regretting this fake doo-doo stain I put on Dave's sheets. No time to clean it. Maybe he'll be too dead dad sad to notice.

05:01 PM
Writing an email to Nosey Lady to send in the morning about why I won't be in so it's all ready to go. Best to plan out a work absence.

05:02 PM
Dear _____, Sadly, I will not be able to attend work today. Got some real bad news this morning. I'd call, but I'm a little shaken and...

05:04 PM
...don't want you to hear me get choked up on the phone as I take pride in my rugged exterior. My close pal David's father passed away.

05:05 PM
Rest assured, I'll be spending the day with David, tending to his needs during this emotional time. Steaks, hamburgs, cold ones, the works.

05:06 PM
Sadness is sometimes cured through the stomach, and a death isn't just for mourning, it's for celebrating. I guess Dave's dad wanted it...

05:07 PM
...this way. I fondly remember a fishing trip where he said, "Karl, when I die, make sure you and Dave have a blast for me, 'cause I''ll...

05:09 PM
...be dead. Ain't no good times where I'm goin'." I plan to keep that promise I made to David's father. I hate to miss work, but it's...

05:10 PM
...the right thing to do in such a moment of tragedy. David's dad was also in a war, so this is also a celebration of our God and Country.

05:12 PM
Rest assured, I will pass on all you guys' condolences. David sure could use 'em right now. Also, I might be in a little late on...

05:13 PM
...Wednesday as well, as David's favorite meal is Wings and that's his favorite Hump Day meal. It'd be my honor to treat him to...

05:14 PM
...a dozen or so if he feels up to it. Always good to put a smile on a pal's face when he's feeling in the dumps. Thanks for...

05:16 PM
...all your support in our hour of grief. On behalf of David, myself, and David's dead father, blessings to you. Sincerely, Karl Welzein

Tue Sep 20 2011

12:37 PM
Dave's not home yet. He's "dealing with family death stuff." A time frame would be nice. I made a huge Taco Salad that's getting soggy.

12:40 PM
I'm gonna start the mourning without Dave I guess. Makin a pitcher of Mai Tais. Dave's dead dad would appreciate the island flavors.

12:51 PM
Marinating some steaks in my special "Remembrance Recipe." Never met Dave's dead dad, but you'll never forget the taste of these ribeyes.

01:11 PM
Crap, forgot to send my email to work! They'll understand if it's late. Partying hard for a pal's dead dad makes you forgetful.

03:19 PM
Whether you're gettin day drunk cause some old man died, or partyin your butt off on a Friday night, Bob Seger is always the right choice.

03:45 PM
Wish Dave would hurry up and get here. On my 3rd pitcher of Mai Tais and ate all the Taco Salad. Steaks are marinaded to perfection.

04:46 PM
So ripped off these Mai Tais. Wish Dave could see how hard I'm party mourning for his dead dad. Gonna fire up the grill. Such a great day.

04:48 PM
When someone has a family member die, if you don't go bonkers with the drinks and eats, you might as well just spit on the grave, you guys.

Wed Sep 21 2011

11:37 AM
Place was a disaster when Dave came home. Told him about the one man bash I had for his dead dad. Went in his room & slammed the door.

11:40 AM
Tried to wake up Dave for a very special Wing Wednesday Dead Dad lunch. Wouldn't budge. Went alone and mourned for both of us like a pal.

11:44 AM
I think Dave is running away from his feelings. Why else would you turn down a FREE Buffalo Wing lunch?! Death does strange things to a man.

11:45 AM
Man, I mourned so hard at lunch today. Took down 18 wings and 4 cold ones. Feels good to put out positive vibes in a time of grief.

01:39 PM
Nosey lady's up in my business about the "funeral" I had to go to. Wants to see an obit. Don't know the man's name, but so disrespectful.

Thu Sep 22 2011

12:09 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:17 PM
Had a restroom disaster today. Had to wipe my p.u. with a toilet seat cover. Outta TP in the john. Might file a complaint. Unacceptable.

12:19 PM
Wasn't the first time I've had to wipe with a toilet seat cover. Sure, it's a tough guy move, but I shouldn't have to live that way.

12:24 PM
I picked the wrong day to try Wendy's new Dave's Hot 'n Juicier Cheeseburgers. Tasty, but really went through me in a hurry, you guys.

12:26 PM
Wendy's Dave's Hot 'n Juicy Cheeseburgers are filled with the burger juice that every bold flavor man craves. Real chin dripper.

12:29 PM
Made with juicier, thicker beef. Buttered, buns. And PREMIUM toppings, Wendy's Hot 'n Juicy Cheeseburgers really make you tear up the john.

12:33 PM
You can judge a good quality meal by how powerful and quick your bm is afterwards. Wendy's does it best. No gruntin, just a smooth release.

12:58 PM
Sometimes I get a little choked up thinkin about Wendy's founder, Dave Thomas, and his contributions to the American dream.

01:00 PM
Without guys like Dave Thomas, there might have never been a Guy Fieri. Scary to even think about it. The food world would be in shambles.

02:30 PM
Just noticed how Wendy's farts smell just like Wendy's hamburgs when Ken came into the john and said, "You eatin Wendy's in here, Welzein?"

Fri Sep 23 2011

11:59 AM
Cold ones, I've had a few.

12:00 PM
But then again, had snacks for munchin'.

12:00 PM
I did what I had to do, did some Wing Wednesday lunchin'.

12:00 PM
Dave’s dad died of course, he’s on heaven’s highway.

12:02 PM
And more, much more than this, it’s finally Friiiiiidaaaaaaay!!!!

12:05 PM
That was a parody of "My Way" by the #1 Chairman Goombah, Mr. Frankie S. Might send it to Weird Al! Happy Friday, you guys.

12:23 PM
Frankie Sinats was one of the greats. Booze, babes, treatin people like garbage. Just the best. Such a strong Italian hero.

12:26 PM
Workin' on the "My Way" parody and thinkin' about Frank got me hankerin' for some Olive Garden. Gonna whack some AYCE breadsticks. Ha!

12:33 PM
Might give Ann a jingle. See if she wants a little romance. Olive Garden was always our, "special place." Drives any babe wild, really.

01:26 PM
Hair might be long enough in the back now for a mini rockin ponytail. Man, if Ann saw that she'd go bonkers with desire.

01:27 PM
If you have a ponytail AND you take a babe to Olive Garden, there's a 110% chance of doing the nasty, you guys.

01:50 PM
If you have a ponytail, you have a ponytail. Size doesn't matter. It's not like your peener. All babes crave a man with any rockin pony.

02:06 PM
Big news; just saw Olive Garden brought back the Never Ending Pasta Bowl. It's just so indulgent. Super pumped.

02:17 PM
Ann is in for Olive Garden! Gonna sneak outta work early. Gotta shower, do some pushups, put on smellin goods, and work on my ponytail.

02:50 PM
Olive Garden really stays true to it's rich Italian heritage of bold flavors, strong drinks, and healthy chest beefers on the waitresses.

02:55 PM
Alot of people are turned off by Italians 'cause they're always loudmouth idiots or murderers on tv. But at the Olive Garden, you're family.

Sat Sep 24 2011

01:04 PM
Olive Garden supper with Ann was a disaster. She didn't notice my rockin mini ponytail. That was the whole point of the date. Bummed.

01:06 PM
I kept turning my back to her like I was checking something out, showcasing the pony. She just asked "is there was something wrong?"

01:09 PM
Told Ann "my back was wrenched from an extreme workout sesh and I needed a really deep rubdown." She didn't take the hint

01:13 PM
I knew it was time to get bad to the tone. That's when I ordered Never Ending Pasta Bowl #5. It was a real power move.

01:40 PM
If a babe isn't impressed with you eating 5 bowls of pasta from Olive Garden, she must be havin lady time and not interested in romance.

Sun Sep 25 2011

12:43 PM
Had to take it easy yesterday. 5 bowls of Olive Garden pasta does strange things to a man. But, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

12:46 PM
Watching the Lions game. Pretty stressful. I feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now.

12:56 PM
When is Domino's gonna stop trying to trick everyone into thinking their garbage is fancy? Sick of this. I'm a Papa John's man. Back off.

12:58 PM
I'll admit, the Domino's pizza tracker is a fun game. But they just seem so desperate to get into the bold flavor lifestyle. It's kinda sad.

01:05 PM
The Lions playing well is like watchin a slow kid win the Special Olympics. Feels good, but you know they'll probably start a fire later.

01:08 PM
Sometimes I wish my son was an athletic retarded kid instead of a sissy who's only likes magic and Lunchables. Think we'd be closer.

01:23 PM
If a football game goes into overtime and you don't start in with shots of the hard stuff, you should just turn the game off.

01:37 PM
Detroit Lions! 3-0, baby! Super pumped. First time I've seen Dave smile since his Dad ate it. We're gonna get so rocked, you guys!

01:46 PM
Dave just cranked up some Stranglehold. That's how you know it's on, you guys.

02:17 PM
No hassle football and excessive drinking on a Sunday is what being separated from your wife and family is all about. Livin the dream.

02:55 PM
Wonder if Ann misses my alpha male presence on football Sundays? Pure testosterone in the air, screaming, punching. Real bad boy action.

03:03 PM
Dave's tryin to instigate a house rule of open door #2s during football so we don't miss anything. I'm so torn on this one, you guys.

08:44 PM
Couldn't crap with the door open with Dave home. He had no problem. Tried all night. Feel like he's got something on my now. So steamed.

Mon Sep 26 2011

11:34 AM
Had one heckuva weekend, you guys. Laughter, romance, friendship, victory. What life's all about. Feel like I wanna die today though.

01:40 PM
First Dave's dad buys the farm, then the Doritos inventor eats it? What a real kick in the sack. Grim reaper's really on a tear, you guys.

01:42 PM
It's just so weird. I made Doritos Taco Salad for Dave's dead dad's memorial. Then the Doritos guy dies. Mysterious ways, I guess.

01:47 PM
Gotta watch what I make tonight. If I grill up some Johnsonville's for Monday Night Football & the brat king dies, I'd never forgive myself.

01:53 PM
What if I killed the Dorito guy?! Maybe Dave's dead dad got a hankering for my Dorito Taco Salad and came back to take him to the grave?

01:58 PM
All this death is really getting to me. Feel surrounded by it. Gonna make a trunk liquor drink. Maybe have a chat with the big man upstairs.

02:55 PM
Prayer isn't something you have to do in church. You can pray while stinkin up the john or drinkin in a parked car. God is everywhere.

04:46 PM
If everyone spent their time on the toilet prayin for others, the world could be a better place. Think of all those positive vibes.

04:55 PM
Feel like God is a 50/50 shot. But if you only pray when you're on the can, it's not like you wasted any time doin better stuff.

Tue Sep 27 2011

11:38 AM
I'd have to say that my favorite food is anything that's, "piled high to perfection."

01:03 PM
New single mom moved in to our building yesterday. She's got a little boy who had on a Lion's jersey. Might have to make a connection.

01:05 PM
Always wanted a son who wasn't like mine. Kinda like the big brother program, but without all the paperwork.

01:06 PM
Might have to make up one of my special dishes to bring over as a welcome tonight. Single moms are always hard up for eats.

01:09 PM
Give a single mom a hot meal, play some catch with her kid, don't smack her around like her ol' man used to, and she's all yours, you guys.

01:18 PM
When I show up at single mom's door with double cologne, pony rockin, earring, a hot dish like my Captain Carlos' Enchiladas Especial...

01:19 PM
...and Van Halen's "Everybody Wants Some" blaring out of our pad to let her know I'm the neighborhood bad boy hero, new mom is gonna...

01:20 PM
...lose her mind with carnal desires. I gotta play it cool though. Take it slow and easy.

Wed Sep 28 2011

12:01 PM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Took down 18 Mango Habs. Worked up a mean hunger playin stepdaddy to new single mom & her son.

12:08 PM
New single mom's name is Jody. Really dig the sound of it. Kind of a rugged sexy vibe.

12:11 PM
Jody smokes INSIDE of her apartment. I can tell she likes to party. Real laid back. I quit, but had 6 or 7 More Menthols to be polite.

12:15 PM
Brought Jody my Captain Carlos' Enchiladas Especial. Muy authentico bold Mexicali flavors. Loaded with beef & 6 cheeses, it's always a hit.

12:17 PM
When I showed up at her door, Jody seemed a little hesitant, but I think my 'rang, pony, & 'logne just screamed, "well howdy, stranger."

12:20 PM
When ya bring free food & a sixer of importeds to a single mom's door, you could have a bloody axe in your hand and she'd still let you in.

02:07 PM
Let me tell ya folks, Jody's son Jesse can really put away the grub for an 8 year old. He's husky healthy. I call him "Big J."

02:11 PM
Big J likes Captain Carlos' Enchiladas Especial loaded with sour cream AND ranch. Always nice to see a young man who craves bold flavors.

02:16 PM
Feel like I really bonded with Big J. We both like the Lions and extra sour cream. He's like the son I wish I had instead of my son.

02:18 PM
Jody doesn't say much. She's just happy to watch her Housewives programs and smoke. Such a great gal. Really low maintenance.

02:29 PM
Gave Jody the extra long hug before I left. Pulled her in real safe & tight. No smooch. Playin it cool, you guys.

02:29 PM
Don't know what's up for later. Might stop by Jody's. See what's goin on.

11:24 PM
jodys' jsut might not b"e ready for a relationsniop" right nwo. just tyrin to firgure it out over some crown, our giusy.

11:26 PM
when a a babes in a rough spt makin an livin like trash, ouo gotta makin it happaen just becaause love os so rare lieke a bold flavro.

11:27 PM
by you gurs, gonnna make the abarf

Thu Sep 29 2011

09:12 AM
Just woke up in the bathtub to the sound of Dave making a massive BM next to me. Really late for work. Wanna die. Could use some OJ.

09:14 AM
Called work. Told 'em I was havin some plumbing issues. By the sound of Dave's BM, it'll probably be true in a few minutes.

09:21 AM
When you wake up in a bathtub covered in Funyuns vomit, next to a man whose rectum is exploding, it's time to pull the reigns in, you guys.

10:12 AM
Fell asleep on the couch! Gonna pound a Rock N Rye and get to work. Really gotta blow up the "plumbing problem" to epic proportions.

11:45 AM
Really draggin today. Gonna swipe one of nosey lady's Activias from the fridge for health. She doesn't need 'em. Her buns are a lost cause.

12:02 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:29 PM
Goin' for another one of nosey lady's Activias. Perty tasty.

12:51 PM
Stealin' another Activia. Just gonna take down the whole 4 pack so it's not obvious.

01:03 PM
Activia is for gals to lose their chunky dumpers and make their lady parts healthy, but I dig the taste. Real refreshin. I'm a modern man.

01:16 PM
Stomach kinda hurts. Wonder if Activia's got some weird gal hormones in it? Hope I don't grow man sloppers. Really twisting inside.

01:20 PM
That Activia is causing some weird problems inside my body. Shouldn't have had 4. Feels like I'm gonna give birth or something. Hurts bad.

01:23 PM
I might have to go to the hospital. Doubled over in pain. Think something's wrong.

01:35 PM
Feel like gonna die. You guys.

02:17 PM
Passed out on the floor in the john from the pain. Woke up and Ken was using the stall. Had to make a bm like never before...

02:20 PM
...barely got off the floor, dropped my Dockers and projectile released my #2 into the urinal. Sick of this.

02:22 PM
Thanks alot Activia. You just made a grown man's bowels explode into a urinal like a slow kid who doesn't know any better. Congratulations.

02:24 PM
I got wet doo-doo backsplash all over my khakis. Gonna have to sit down all day. So embarrassed. Just want to cry but I'm too macho.

02:27 PM
Think I might smell like dog crap from my doo-doo stains. Chewin a whole pack of Big Red to cover up the smell. Always does the trick.

02:32 PM
So steamed at Activia. It's dangerous. Should be illegal. Someone could get hurt. Make sure to tell your loved ones. Gonna write the FDA.

02:33 PM
Activia should be ashamed of itself. Using Jamie Lee Curtis' smokin old cans to trick people into buying their product. It's evil.

02:38 PM
Old gals, no matter how much Activia ya eat, your jugs will probably be sloppers, not primo bombs like Jamie Lee Curtis'. Say no to Activia.

Fri Sep 30 2011

11:53 AM
Hold on loosely, but don't let go! When you get to your Friday, you're gonna lose controoollll! Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Love some .38.

12:10 PM
Nosey lady sent out a memo about "not eatin other's food." She should thank me for suffering so she didn't have to like Jesus did.

12:43 PM
Just finished up my letter to the FDA about the evils of Activia yogurt. Still gotta find a mailing address. Gonna try and do some good.

12:45 PM
To Whom It May Concern at the FDA, Greetings. My name is Karl Welzein, and I have an urgent message for you about Activia yogurt.

12:47 PM
Yesterday, I was feeling under the weather due to a late night rendezvous with a new squeeze. Her name is Jody, not that it matters...

12:48 PM
but I just thought I'd let you know so it doesn't sound like I'm faking. I was late for work at my place of employment, and didn't have...

12:49 PM
...time to get a quality lunch. Lunch is important to me. Seeking nutrition and health, I borrowed one of my co-workers Activia's from...

12:50 PM
...the community fridge. It had a nice flavor, although not as bold as the ones I usually crave. Also, it was a small portion, so I...

12:51 PM
...decided it would best if I just polished off all 4 of them for maximum health benefits. I thought about leaving some for my co-worker...

12:52 PM
...as they belonged to her, but to be honest, her body is past the point of no return. I believe that she was tricked by the Activia...

12:54 PM
...advertisements into thinking that if she consumed their product, he old body would be dynamite like Jamie Lee Curtis' as she...

12:56 PM
...continues to have a healthy firm chest area despite her age. You catch my drift. Shortly after I consumed the 4 Activia's, my...

12:57 PM
...internals began twisting, causing pain as if I was about to give birth. I considered going to the hospital, but a bold flavor man...

12:59 PM
...like myself should be able to handle a few lady yogurts. I regularly consume 18 Mango Habs on Wing Wednesdays so you know...

01:01 PM
...I'm a rugged macho man who doesn't become ill easily. Moments later, I awoke from passing out on the floor of the john, ready to...

01:02 PM
...release the evil Activia from my distressed bowels. Ken was in the stall, so I was forced to have a projectile movement into the...

01:04 PM
...urinal, soiling my trousers. It was embarrassing, especially to a cool customer such as myself. Therefore, I am urging you with...

01:05 PM
...great passion to remove Activia yogurt from all store shelves at once. But please, I want to make clear that this has nothing to do...

01:06 PM
...with Jamie Lee Curtis' and her ripe mature chest. If she'd like to discuss this issue, I'd be happy to treat her to something bold...

01:07 PM
...in my neck of the woods. Just a friendly meet up, then who knows? I look forward to your response. Together, let's help keep America...

01:08 PM
...safe. Sincerely, Karl Welzein.

Sat Oct 01 2011

12:34 PM
Wanted to hang with Jody last night. Wasn't home so I decided to just play it cool by her door and wait. Babes dig being caught off guard.

12:38 PM
Got a little worried after 2-3 hrs. Ran home to get some snacks. Ruffles, cold cuts, 12 Busch, jumbo olives. Full spread.

12:40 PM
When you're stakin out a babe's apartment for her safety, it's best to have some quality eats & plenty of cold ones to keep your energy up.

01:17 PM
Polished off all the cold ones & snacks. Had a few pee breaks & shots of 'Cardi. Guess I passed out in front of Jody's door. Had a big day.

01:19 PM
Jody must have come home when I was takin a snooze. Didn't wake me up. So caring. She's a good woman.

01:47 PM
Haven't rapped at Jody yet today. Wonder what's goin on? Might stop by. Made some of my QB Karl's Touchdown Chili for the game. Sparty on!

01:55 PM
Ohio State? More like Ohio STINK. Ha! Just made that up. Man, gotta go tell Jody that one.

05:37 PM
Jody asked if I'd mind watchin her son Jeremy while she stepped out with her friends. Glad to oblige. Good to see a trust forming.

05:39 PM
Love hangin with Big J. For an 8 year old, he's got a good head on his shoulders. And he had 3 bowls of my QB Karl's Touchdown Chili.

05:41 PM
Watchin the Tigers with Big J. Red Pop for him. Cold ones for myself. Gonna do some Pizza Rolls in a bit. (Big J's fav) Love this kid.

05:44 PM
Big J is chanting, "Yankee's Suck It!" Ha! For an 8 year old, he's really got some important life stuff already figured out.

05:48 PM
Big J asked for a sip of my cold one. Pumpkin Ale with bold Autumn flavors. He LOVED it. Think him and my son got switched at the hospital.

05:50 PM
Just gonna let Big J finish off that Pumpkin Ale. Kids have strange germs. Gotta drink responsibly, you guys.

06:09 PM
Big J told me he's "Jesse" not "Jeremy." Think he's pullin my leg. Crackin me up! And these Pumpkin Ales are goin down so smooth.

06:45 PM
Why do the Yankees even play at all? They should just buy the rights to championship every few years and call it a day. Same crap.

06:47 PM
Trying to explain to Big J how the Yankees are more of greasy New York corporate business than an actual sports team. He's kinda buzzed.

06:53 PM
Never minded the real men who played for the Yanks. Donnie Baseball was a badass. These new guys look like they kiss each other good night.

Sun Oct 02 2011

12:46 PM
Got pretty bombed with Big J last night. Passed out. Woke up and Big J was drinking one of my cold ones, eatin Pizza Rolls. Such a good kid.

12:51 PM
Jody didn't get back 'til 3am. Had Big J all tucked in. He only puked once. Think Jode was impressed, but she had to lay down in the john.

12:55 PM
Wonder what Jody and Big J are up to? Gonna stop by after the Lions. See if Big J wants to catch the rest of the Tigers with his main man.

02:52 PM
Jody said she has to go run some important errands with her friend. Gonna keep an eye on Big J. Good to show Jody I can provide support.

02:54 PM
Made me and Big J a huge platter of Captain Carlos' Macho Nachos. Starts with a Chipotle Ranch base. That's my secret. Celebratin the Lions!

03:08 PM
Told Big J he could have an ice cold Busch for the Lions victory. Gotta show him how to be a man. Age 8 is important for development.

03:13 PM
Big J wants another cold one if the Tigers win. Odds are, they won't pull it out. Said sure. Kids are gullible.

03:49 PM
Tigers won. Shouldn't give Big J another cold one, but I made a promise. Better to be a man of your word than do the right thing, you guys.

04:01 PM
Whoa, Big J really pounded that Busch like a champ. Trying not to encourage him to drink, but I can't help but be impressed.

04:09 PM
It's illegal to give your kids beer. But if it's someone else's kid, drinkin's good fun as long as you supervise and have a few with 'em.

Mon Oct 03 2011

01:21 PM
Big J drew me for his art class homework. My suggestion. I helped a lil' with some final touches. I think it rocks! The theme was "heroes."

01:23 PM
Spilled a cold one and some pizza sauce on the drawing, but I think it really captures the moment of creativity, you guys.

01:42 PM
Might have Big J do a few more drawings. Think this kid really has something special. Gotta nurture his talent.

02:15 PM
Big J called. Guess the teacher wouldn't let him put his drawing up 'cause it was messy. He's bummed. Told him we'll make a better one.

02:16 PM
Really steamed at Big J's teacher for not letting him have his picture up in class. But like I always say, when life gives you a problem...

02:19 PM
...you kick that son of a bitch in the teeth. This is America, not some pinko garbage country. These colors don't run, you guys.

03:25 PM
Takin off. Pickin up some Arby's Ultimate Angus Phillys for me and Big J before we work on the new drawing. Good protein for creativity.

03:28 PM
When you got a pal who's down in the dumps from bein teased at school, just tell it gets better and buy em some Arby's. It's good mood food.

04:46 PM
Gonna have a little more "input" on Big J's drawing of me for tomorrow. The kid deserves an A. It's gonna rock so hard.

Tue Oct 04 2011

11:13 AM
Think the new drawing for Big J's school came out dynamite. "Helped" alot more this time. Let him sign it though and do some lettering.

11:15 AM
When you pose for any type of portrait, sunglasses just bring out the cool. I'm always more confident in my Maui Jim's, you guys.

11:17 AM
Had a little "creative control" argument with Big J. Tore his picture a little. Some tape & staples fixed 'er up. Big J is pretty strong.

11:21 AM
The only problem with pony tails is they're in the back. But, when you turn around for a subtle reveal to a babe, they just go wild.

12:27 PM
If Big J's art teacher doesn't put his drawing of me, that I worked hard on, up on the wall of heroes, I'm goin' down to that school.

04:27 PM
Guess Jody's goin out for the night. Gonna hang with my main man Big J and watch the Tigers. She's really lettin' us bond, mano y lil' mano.

04:30 PM
Big J's kinda down. His teacher wouldn't put up his new picture of me on the hero wall. Drew the damn thing myself! Really steamed.

04:33 PM
I'm rockin a pony, a 'rang, smooth Kangol, gold chain, AND a badass Van Halen logo. What part of "hero" doesn't this corncob understand?

04:37 PM
Makin Big J a batch of my Woppy Karl's Baked Spaghetti. Loaded with spicy italian sausage, it's off the chain with macho comfort.

04:41 PM
Told Big J, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Unless ya get run over by an Oldsmobile and you're crippled for life or some crap.

04:50 PM
Goin down to that school at lunch tomorrow. Gonna get up in that teacher's face. Really take him to Maniac City. Gotta bring the thunder.

Wed Oct 05 2011

11:55 AM
Just got back from Big J's school. Stopped for a dozen Mango Hab Wings & some cold ones first. Had to be on point with bold strength.

11:59 AM
They wouldn't let me in because I'm not his "parent." Got all up in the security guard's face bad boy style. He was no Dalton Roadhouse.

12:03 PM
Told that security guard that I had important business with Big J's art teacher. Kept asking "Who's Big J, sir?" Got really steamed.

12:10 PM
Told him, "Big J's my main man!" Then he asked if I'd been drinking. Yeah, I'm an ADULT. And I had 3 or 4 brews with lunch because I can.

12:14 PM
Security guard said he was gonna call the cops. Sissy move. Didn't want a problem so I hit the bricks. Gotta find the teacher's address.

04:46 PM
Gonna stay in tonight and focus. Doin pushups and drinkin a KFC gravy. Pure protein. Gotta look jacked when I go muscle Big J's art teacher.

04:49 PM
Focus. Power. Dedication. Strength beyond strength. KFC gravy. These are the tools to get a man's job done with a power move.

Thu Oct 06 2011

12:09 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

01:26 PM
Told Big J to do some recon and go through the art teacher's desk. Gotta get his address. He's gonna crap when sees me poundin on his door.

01:29 PM
Takin down a whole jar of extra chunky Skippy. Been doin pushups in the john all day. Really turning my body into a one man gang, you guys.

06:54 PM
Man, these cold ones are goin down so smooth, you guys. Brewskis taste better when the Tigers are winning. Or anytime the Yankees are losin.

07:00 PM
Was CC Sabathia in the Fat Boys? Ha! Remember the Fat Boys, you guys? Only rapper fellas ever worth a crap. All about good vibes & eats.

07:06 PM
Watchin the game with Dave & Big J. Dave keeps laughing at the name "Fister." Little crude for my taste. Dave has zero class.

07:21 PM
Never been to NYC. Just wouldn't fit in. Fancy big city ain't no place for a rugged MI man. Plus, I hear their Chili's is exactly the same.

07:35 PM
I don't hate the Yanks. I'm an American. But sometimes in battle, it's brother vs. brother. God Bless America really got me thinkin.

07:37 PM
New Yorkers are my USA brothers forever. I just don't think if they had a pool they'd invite me over, so I have to root for the Tigers.

08:44 PM
Bless you boys! Double Crown & Diets for me & Dave, a whole 2 liter of Faygo Moon Mist for Big J! Time to party so hard, you guys!

08:46 PM
Good game, New York. That one rocked. But tonight, We Are The Champions, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!!

08:48 PM
Jody's still out. Told Big J he could stay up and party with me & Dave. It's not technically a "school night" anymore when your team wins.

Fri Oct 07 2011

12:19 AM
keepin the party goin!! thet igers really did it bigf time!~ screw wokr and schooo tomoorow cran k up sthe seger!!!!

12:19 AM
BVrig J

12:21 AM
AHHHAHHAHAHHAHA you fuys!!! Man dsave is brfing in the trahs can!! hahahahahahh1h111h1 !!!!!

12:11 PM
Tryin to piece together last night, you guys. Really hurtin after the Tigers celebration. Did it right judging by how destroyed the pad is.

12:14 PM
Looks like Big J did some of his art pieces on the wall. Pretty sure I encouraged it. The Papa Grande portrait is actually a nice touch.

12:19 PM
Had Big J call work as my son. Told him to say, "Daddy took mommy to the hopsbital." Family Circus humor is a great smokescreen.

12:21 PM
90% of the kitchen is covered in either barf or smashed Pizza Rolls. All looks the same, hard to tell the difference.

12:25 PM
Told Big J he could have the day off from school. Frankly, I don't want him goin back there until I kick his art teacher's ass back to 1984.

12:47 PM
If your team wins a big one, and you don't at least cause a little destruction to your own property, you're just a fair weather fan.

06:20 PM
Here's to the possibility of a Great Lakes World Series, you guys! Super pumped.

06:23 PM
Had a 6 or 9 cold ones to take edge off. Was feelin beat. Gonna hit the sack & rest up for Sat. Cleanin the destruction to the pad can wait.

Sat Oct 08 2011

01:36 PM
Might hit up Jody for some one on one time. Big J's cool to hang with, but I think it's time to take our relationship to the next level.

01:37 PM
When it's time to get hot & heavy with a babe, you just know by the feeling you get in your heart and your groin, you guys.

02:58 PM
Havin Dave trim my neck up for tonight. Really give my pony some framework.

03:12 PM
Stupid Dave took a chunk out of my ear trimmin my neck hair. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOWCASE MY 'RANG WITH A BAND-AID OVER IT!!! Steamed.

Sun Oct 09 2011

12:19 PM
Kinda bummin' today, you guys. Had a heart to heart with Jody last night. Love is like war, and she really sank my battleship.

12:22 PM
Told Jody I wanted to take the next step and turn up the heat up in the romance department. Really crashed & burned.

12:24 PM
Jody said we couldn't "make it" 'cause she's kinda been in a long distance thing with some guy who lives in Canada. Glad she was honest.

12:30 PM
Told her I understood and didn't want to be part of a messy love triangle. I just don't have room in my busy life for any complications.

12:34 PM
If I wanted to, I'm sure I could've brought out my power moves that Jody couldn't resist. But that's not my style. I'm a gentle lover.

12:37 PM
When I look deep into a babe's eyes with my move called the "carnal stare," combined with my masculine aroma, they just melt with desire.

01:16 PM
Don't know how I'm gonna break the news to Big J that me and his mom are kaput. Might go get a 7-Up Cake from Kroger to soften the blow.

01:27 PM
I mean, I can't blame Jody. How am I supposed to compete with a guy from Canada? I'm a bold catch, but he's an international lover.

01:40 PM
Gonna make myself a tall Crown & ice roadie and go for a drive. See if a little Seger can help sort out the situation. Talk to me Bob.

03:23 PM
Dinged a car in the Kroger parking lot. Wasn't drunk, but I was drinkin. Had to scram. Sometimes lookin out for #1 is the right thing to do.

03:27 PM
Gonna have Big J over for the Tiger game. Stocked up on goodies. One last hurrah with Big J is the least I could do. He's my main man.

03:29 PM
Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles, Dean's French Onion, Pizza Rolls, Johnsonville's, plenty of Faygo, Little Debbie Swiss Cakes...

03:31 PM
...Hormel & Velveeta with my own special bold spices for a Crock Dip, Lil' Smokies in BBQ, cold ones up the wazoo. The works. Full spread.

03:32 PM
Givin Big J one last beautiful evening with the alpha male in his life before I rip his heart out at the end of the game with the bad news.

03:34 PM
At least the game should really provide a buffer for the pain. Sometimes I think the Tigers are all Big J has that makes him happy.

03:36 PM
Tiger fans, let's do this! Super pumped.

04:30 PM
Sick of this. Sick of everything. Can't ever do or have anything nice. Just so sick of it.

04:41 PM
Throwin all the goodies straight in the trash. Goin to tell Big J it's over. He's gotta learn that life is just one big kick in the scrotum.

04:53 PM
Dave's takin all the goodies out of the trash. Says I need to cool down. Thinks he has some grass stashed away. Might have a guy to guy.

Mon Oct 10 2011

11:51 AM
Got pretty stoned with Dave last night. Ate all the goodies out of the trash. Stuffed Little Debbies with Lil' Smokies. Smokey Debbies.

11:54 AM
Drugs can open up your mind to the wonders of life. Like combining Lil' Smokies & Little Debbie Swiss Rolls for a bold taste sensation.

12:53 PM
Didn't have the heart to break the news to Big J last night. Good thing I have the day off for Columbus day so we can watch the Tigers.

01:01 PM
Probably wait until the Lions game is over too before I have the talk with Big J. Best to be nice and bombed when you break a kid's heart.

01:07 PM
Dedicating this first cold one to Christopher Columbus, you guys. Here's to a great American hero and a true patriot. USA. Never forget.

04:34 PM
Really nervous about the Tigers, you guys. Time for double shots of Beam. Gotta maintain focus.

05:46 PM
God. Damnit.

05:47 PM
Sick of this.

08:48 PM
5-0. F*ck yeah, you guys. God bless these Lions. Let the good times roll, all night long!

Tue Oct 11 2011

12:47 PM
Really hurtin today, you guys. Woke up in the kitchen. My back's a disaster. So many ups & downs yesterday. Might go lay down in the john.

12:52 PM
Nothin says you've truly lived life, like wakin up in the morning, feelin like you're gonna die, you guys.

04:25 PM
Took a mean nap in the work john for most of the afternoon. Nothin like cold tile & white noise flushes to rejuvenate the mind and body.

04:38 PM
Vernon came in and asked what I was doin laying on the john floor. Said I had a bad back. He said, like Larry Bird? Kinda racist.

08:24 PM
That's the way you do it, Tigers! Was gonna take 'er easy tonight, but might have a few cold ones to celebrate. We really earned it.

Wed Oct 12 2011

11:30 AM
Pretty banged up, you guys. Had to break the news to Big J last night. Got pretty bombed and went over to Jody's to wake him up at 2am.

11:34 AM
Slammed on her door for a half hour before she answered. Kinda rude to make me wait like that. 2am or not, it's always time for manners.

11:41 AM
Woke Big J up and told him we couldn't be bros 'cause his mom didn't want to do adult things with me like have erotic passions.

11:50 AM
Told Big J, when a gal doesn't have the carnal desire to fill a man's needs, it's time to move on down the line to new babe city.

11:57 AM
When you break some horrible news to a kid, it's best to do it as a surprise in the middle of the night so it just feels like a nightmare.

12:02 PM
He was confused, so I had to go man to man with, "We're over Big J, hit the bricks." He looked sad, but I had to whizz so I split.

12:09 PM
Thank god it's Wing Wednesday. Such a great cheer me up from destroying the world of a young child. When life is hard, get some wings.

09:19 PM
Tried to drink away the anger, but it's not working. I'm hittin' the sack. So sick of this.

Thu Oct 13 2011

12:50 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

07:25 PM
What a day. Cut out of work early to see my "back doctor." Watched the Tigers go off the chain with my bro Al at Paddy's. Welzein Bad Boys!

07:29 PM
Went for the Jack Daniel's Bourbon Burger. Might be my new fave on the Paddy's menu. Really hit the spot with bold booze flavors.

07:31 PM
Got too smashed on Top Shelf margs to celebrate. But when I'm rollin' with my bro Al, we gotta keep our title as the Bad Boy Party Kings.

07:37 PM
When the Tigers won, I ripped off my shirt and started Hulkin' up. Was asked to leave. Guess my healthy body is threatening.

07:41 PM
Went to wait in the Sebring for Al. Couldn't get the door open with my key so I smashed in the window. Was flying high with emotions.

07:42 PM
Turned out to be someone else's car. Had to get the rock outta there. Hope they had insurance.

07:47 PM
When you destroy someone else's property, it's ok to just take off if it was truly an accident, you guys. Especially if you're pretty drunk.

Fri Oct 14 2011

11:46 AM
Work's just no place for a Street Friday Maaaaaannnn!!! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

12:06 PM
Really got into it with Dave last night. He was in one of his moods. He said the Tigers had no chance so why was I pumped that they won.

12:08 PM
Got really steamed. Told Dave that he had no chance at life so why does he even get his wide load out of bed in the morning.

12:11 PM
Dave made some crack about my "momma" so I smashed my PB & J & Fritos sandwich in his face. Hate to waste food, but he crossed the line.

12:22 PM
Challenged Dave to a body blow contest. Was time to man up. It really escalated quickly. Everything in the pad is pretty much broken.

12:24 PM
Lamps, plates, glasses, coffee table, my Blatz sign, the boob tube, Van Halen carnival mirror, pretty much everything is destroyed.

12:43 PM
Dave says I have to buy him a new Vizio 'cause I ripped his off the wall trying to give him a wedgie. Whatever. They're only like 60 bucks.

02:03 PM
Feel so terrible. Made a V8 bloody out of my trunk liquor. This is an emergency. Goin to sip it in the john and catch some toilet z's.

05:33 PM
Just woke up on the toilet at work. Everyone left. Felt so alone. No one even noticed. Kinda hurts. Goin to Chili's to think about my life.

Sat Oct 15 2011

03:00 PM
Go Green. Sparty on, you guys! Super pumped for the Tigers game. Sippin Vernors & vodkas with Dave. The new Vizio is rockin!

03:01 PM
Why don't they make cases for TV's like they do for cell phones in case you get in a full on brawl with your pal over yo momma jokes?

03:53 PM
Dave said he can give me a haircut 'cause his ex worked at BoRics. The shorter the sides, the longer the pony. Might go for it.

06:14 PM
Dave just ran out to get a 12 pack of crunchies and 4 a them XXL Chalupas. Tryin to rally here for the Motown Boys.

06:18 PM
Looks like George W's wife is at the game. She's a Ranger fan 'cause she's married to that stupid idiot. Bet she wipes from back to front.

06:21 PM
I bet my main man Barry O. is down with the Tigers. A cool soul brother like our Pres is definitely a Motown man.

06:27 PM
It's a good thing they warn us, "Dont' Mess With Texas," or most people would probably spread their buttcheeks and take a huge crap on it.

06:36 PM
Used to be a big fan of W. He rocked. But when a smooth homeboy from the hood like Barry O. takes over, you just have to get down, you guys.

06:41 PM
Barry O. showed the country that anybody could be president. Wonder if Deion Sanders has considered running?

06:56 PM
Ron Washington looks like the kinda fella you wouldn't wanna just leave your wallet sittin out by. Not a black thing, just sayin, you guys

07:02 PM
Wonder where Dave is? Pretty loaded. Could use that Taco Bell to come mop up the booze. It'd really hit the spot.

07:43 PM
Sick of this. And where's my dang Taco Bell?!

07:58 PM
Why don't they play "Rockin In The Free World" in the 7th inning? How can you get pumped for the USA to a jerk singin like he's in church?

08:05 PM
When your team starts to eat a pantload, it's time to change the channel and watch Conan The Barbarian, you guys.

09:07 PM
Where the hell is Dave? Feel he's been gone forever. I'm pretty ripe. Could sure use that Taco Bell magic.

09:59 PM
Worried about Dave. Let him take the 'Bring. It's a smokin ride. Hope he didn't pick up a gal at Taco Bell or be dead. Want my XXL Chalupas!

Sun Oct 16 2011

12:36 PM
Dave didn't come home 'til way after I passed out last night. Was acting really strange this morning. Puttin the screws to him for info.

12:50 PM
Went to get something out of the 'Bring. Dave got all shaky and beet red. Told me he was revvin' the engine in the Taco Bell drive thru...

12:52 PM
...tryin to impress some babes, then he moved up in line and forgot the 'Bring was in drive, went to rev again, smashed into the truck...

12:54 PM
...in front of him. No damage to the truck, but the trailer hitch went though the 'Bring's front end. Dave said he took it...

12:58 PM
...to Crazy Cooter's to get it fixed. Crazy Cooter's brother, Squirrel used to work at Auto Zone and said he can do it for like 60 bucks.

12:58 PM
So steamed at Dave, you guys.

01:44 PM
GOD. DAMN. EVERYTHING!!!!

01:48 PM
Tigers lose, Lions lose, Dave crashed my 'Bring, I never got any Taco Bell... ANYONE ELSE WANT TO CRUSH MY SCROTUM WITH A TIRE IRON?!

09:46 PM
Goddamnit. Just remembered my car is at Crazy Cooter's. How the hell am I supposed to get to work?! Sick of this. Wanna murder Dave.

Mon Oct 17 2011

11:29 AM
Had to take a cab to work today. Pretty regal. Made sure a few people saw me before I got out. Felt like a rockstar.

12:21 PM
Feel like I really blew everyone's mind by taking a cab to work today. Makes me look like more mysterious. Kinda like the Dos Equis guy.

12:25 PM
In New York, everyone takes cabs. It's more continental. Shows you have class. Actually not mad at Dave for crashing my 'Bring at Taco Bell.

04:34 PM
Guess Guy Fieri got in trouble for checkin out babes' cans. He's probably surrounded by bold chest beefers constantly. It's bound to happen.

04:37 PM
When you're a mega star like Guy Fieri, it's gotta be tough not to take a peak when babes are just throwin their bozos at you left & right.

05:12 PM
Sounds like Guy Fieri had a run in with the gays too. Gals with healthy bombs, homo fellas...everyone wants a piece of the Bold Bad Boy.

Tue Oct 18 2011

11:31 AM
Took a cab to work again. Crazy Cooter said Squirrel wanted to get the 'Bring fixed "just right." Gotta appreciate hard work.

11:34 AM
Takin a cab to work is so decadent. Made a plate of eggs & toast for the ride. Felt like I should have asked somebody for Grey Poupon.

12:04 PM
Ken thinks Guy Fieri is gay because he's afraid of gay people. It doesn't make you gay just because you wanna protect your plumbing.

12:10 PM
Guy Fieri couldn't be gay in a millionaire years. He's a cool daddio from the old school. Guy digs babes & babes dig Guy. It's just nature.

12:20 PM
Can understand how Guy has to be warned about meetin gay fellas. They probably chase his body like babes and the Beatles. It's for safety.

12:30 PM
Got nothing against the gays. If I knew a gay fella I'd give him a hug for leavin more babes on the table for macho cruisers like myself.

05:34 PM
Got the 'Bring back from Crazy Cooter's bro, Squirrel. It's not fixed at all. Really steamed, you guys.

05:36 PM
Squirrel just painted the damaged bumper with nail polish and put a Harley Davidson sticker over the busted headlight. Said I owe him $60!

05:38 PM
Sure, a Harley sticker is classic cool. Shows you're not to be messed with. But it's NOT 60 bucks OR a headlight. At all.

05:44 PM
Told Squirrel I had to scrape the bread together and pay him later. Later = never. Really P.O.'d.

05:53 PM
Sick of this.

Wed Oct 19 2011

12:21 PM
Took another cab to work today. Hard to go back to driving myself when life has been so plush. Must be what Donald Trump feels like.

12:23 PM
Had to get another cab to go to BDubs for Wing Wednesday. Hope some of the waitresses saw and had a "who is THAT guy?!" moment.

01:27 PM
Really gotta get that headlight fixed on the 'Bring. Big weekend comin up. Can't risk a DUI. Gotta be responsible and safe, you guys.

02:23 PM
Never understood having a "designated driver." Why would anyone ever wanna hang out with someone who'd agree to being that?

Thu Oct 20 2011

11:43 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:47 AM
Really hit it off last night with a babe at Paddy's. Think her name was Karen. Karen. What a sexy name, really just rolls off the tongue.

11:49 AM
Gave Karen a lift home in my private cab. Think she was really impressed. Got pretty hot n heavy. Bold romance cab flavors, you guys.

11:59 AM
Think my problem in the romance department was driving myself around. Takin a cab really lets you go "hands free," if you catch my drift.

12:00 PM
I'm flying high after that rendezvous. I think her name is Karen might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

12:09 PM
Might head back to Paddy's tonight. See if Karen's hangin. Got a big birthday comin up on Sunday. See if she wants to be my cake. Ha!

12:27 PM
When you're frenchin a babe in the back of a cab and feelin on over the shirt chest beefers, you really understand what God is all about.

04:48 PM
Gonna head to Paddy's soon. Gotta see if Karen's in to be my arm candy for my big b-day celebraish on Sunday. Goin heavy on the 'logne.

04:50 PM
Dave said he always "soaks his ballsack" in Brut before a big date. Probably why Dave never goes on any dates.

05:22 PM
Crankin some Seger to get pumped for Karen. When it comes to babes, rock n roll never forgets, you guys.

07:20 PM
I love, you guys.

07:36 PM
Smoked some grass to get relaxed up for for my rendezvous. It's legal so it's cool. Why isn't booze ok to drive on? Same hot retard feeling.

Fri Oct 21 2011

11:27 AM
Friday eyes! They're watchin you! Friday eyyyyyyeeees! They're watchin you watchin you watchin you-ou-ou-ou! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:30 AM
Hung out at Paddy's 'til close. No sign of Karen. Got pretty bombed. Lost my cool and started yelling out "Karen!!!" Not a proud moment.

11:57 AM
Really concerned about not hooking up with Karen. Gonna try Craigslist missed connections. Seems like romance happens there.

11:58 AM
Hope this works out. Sending out an APB for Karen: http://t.co/dT3FZTZV

Sat Oct 22 2011

12:45 PM
Stayed up all night waitin on word from Karen. Hope she gets back to me soon. Might have to make plans with another babe for the celebraish.

12:48 PM
Think Dave might be plannin somethin big for my bash. He's been in the john more than usual. Takes all his calls in there like Fonzie.

12:52 PM
Can't wait for tomorrow. It's gonna be so slammin, you guys. Besides, if I roll solo, I'll have my choice of any gal. That's birthday rules.

05:24 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys. Gotta take it easy though. Gonna lay low and get my outfit just right.

Sun Oct 23 2011

12:42 PM
Dunna dunna dunna, they say it's my birthday! Happy birthday to Karl!

12:44 PM
Dave's really keepin it hush about my celebraish. Never even said happy b-day to me. I'm tryin to play it cool.

12:48 PM
I rented a Hummer limo to pick up the party crew in about an hour. Make sure we all show up in style. Maybe Chili's first, then who knows?

01:30 PM
Really hope Karen gets this new Craigslist message, you guys. My birthday body is throbbing for her touch: http://t.co/B0OqdoQx

01:39 PM
My Lions lost. Not gonna let it get me down on my b-day. Smashed a beer bottle in the sink and I'm gonna move on.

02:46 PM
Asked Dave what he was up to later. He said, "dunno, just hangin out." Man, he is cold as ice with my b-day bash surprise!

03:13 PM
Told Dave, "There's a Hummer Limo parked outside! Check it out!" He didn't even get up. Just said "cool" and ripped a juicy wet one.

03:32 PM
Dave's been in the john forever. Told him I was going out. He just double flushed. The crew must be meetin me later for a primo surprise.

03:38 PM
Gonna take the Hummer Limo for a spin. Maybe drive by Ann's. Hope she sees me. It'd blow her socks off.

Mon Oct 24 2011

12:28 PM
Had a rough one last night. Really hurtin, you guys.

12:29 PM
Took the Hummer Limo to Chili's. Was feelin top notch. Figured the crew must have had something planned at my favorite spot.

12:33 PM
Took down about 7 top shelf margs. Waited to order eats until the gang showed up. Wanted to be polite. Not some pigout slob.

12:36 PM
Chili's booted me out when they closed at 10pm. Told 'em it was my b-day celebraish and they could suck it. Thanks alot, Chili's.

12:39 PM
Shouldn't of thrown a shot glass at the waiter, but that corncob had no right to toss me on my bday. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE CLOSED, CHILI'S!

12:42 PM
Took the Hummer Limo over to Ann's. Cranked up Hollywood Nights and waited to blow her mind. Woke up there in the morning.

12:50 PM
I bet Ann saw me in the Hummer Limo when she took the kids to school in the morning. Probably got jealous of my rockstar lifestyle.

12:53 PM
On your birthday, it's not IF you wet your pants in your sleep, it's how many times. It's a natural tradition. I'm guessing 3, not to brag.

12:57 PM
Had the Hummer Limo just take me straight to work. Pee pants mostly dried. Not like I bm'd myself. I'm not some hobo, you guys.

01:02 PM
Nosey lady saw me pull up to work in the Hummer Limo this morning. Asked why? Told her it was for the celebraish. Stupid know nothing sow.

01:05 PM
When all your friends & family forget about your b-day, you might as well just spend the next day sleeping on the toilet 'cause who cares.

01:08 PM
Sick of this.

02:55 PM
Holy crap you guys! Got a big box of Omaha Steaks delivered to work from my bro Al! Gonna rub it in everyone's face. Make 'em feel terrible.

03:20 PM
Omaha Steaks are pretty much the best in the world. So juicy and succulent. That's what I'm gonna tell Dave when I eat 'em in front of him.

05:04 PM
The best revenge for a pal forgettin your bday is eatin somethin he can't afford in front of him. Really make him feel like a street animal.

Tue Oct 25 2011

11:18 AM
THE MCRIB IS BACK, YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12:22 PM
Don't know why Mickey D's ever has to "bring back" the McRib. A bold taste sensation like that shouldn't ever be going anywhere.

12:27 PM
When they decide to take the McRib away again, those Wall Street hippies should do something worthwhile and Occupy McDonald's Headquarters.

12:36 PM
The whole Occupy Wall Street thing just looks like an excuse to hang out & complain all day. My USA was built on hard work, you guys.

12:43 PM
If you don't have a job, maybe you should try "Occupying" an Arby's restroom with a mop. White hippies just want everything handed to 'em.

02:09 PM
If you don't understand the greatness of the McRib sandwich, there's a 95% chance you're also racist. That's just the truth, you guys.

02:11 PM
Gotta start plannin out my Halloween costume. Might go as the Red Rocker Sammy Hagar. Man, he is one cool customer.

06:26 PM
Headin out for another McRib. They're for a limited time so I gotta take advantage. Plus, McRib's aren't fried. It's a healthy pork.

Wed Oct 26 2011

11:15 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys! Stopped off for a McRib on the way to BW3's so I kept it light & healthy with a dozen Mango Habs.

01:46 PM
Feels like the McRib and those Mango Hab wings are fightin over territory in my stomach. Like a 1%er gang war over bold flavor territory.

05:01 PM
Shouldn't have gotten 2 more McRibs on the way home, you guys. Kinda understand why they're only for a limited time. It's for public safety.

05:06 PM
Funny thing about the McRib is I still crave another one while I'm hurtin in the john from the last one. Kinda like beer & whizz I guess.

Thu Oct 27 2011

11:34 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:07 PM
Gotta get goin on my costume. Still thinkin about bein Sammy Hagar, but Guy Fieri would just be so money. Tough call, both are badass.

12:21 PM
Gotta love the Halloween celebraish. It's when babes let everyone know what their bodies look like. Kind of a tradition.

12:25 PM
At a Halloween celebraish, it's ok to ogle any babe & express your canal desires with compliments on their chest beefers. Kinda rude not to.

12:31 PM
The less clothes a babe wears on Halloween, the more sad inside she is. Let's you know she's available for passion to fill the void.

Fri Oct 28 2011

12:52 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys! Only workin a half day. Had some nasty D this mornin. Musta got some bad fries with my McRib last night.

12:55 PM
Might have to go as Guy Fieri for the Halloween celebraish tomorrow. Sexy, arousing costumes aren't just for the ladies, you guys.

12:57 PM
Dave said he wants to go as Stone Cold Steve Austin. More like Cold Stone Steve Creamery. Ha!

01:00 PM
Might have to alert Mickey D's about the bad fries I had. Can't be holed up in the john during McRib season. It's for a limited time.

Sat Oct 29 2011

01:25 PM
Gonna have Dave bleach my hair so it totally rocks like Guy Fieri's for the Halloween celebraish. He says it's easy, breezy.

01:30 PM
Had another McRib (2) for lunch today. They're for a limited time, gotta take advantage. Again, feelin some D comin on. Must be those fries!

01:33 PM
That's it. Writin a letter to Mickey D's. I don't have time to Occupy McDonald's like some scumbag on welfare.

01:36 PM
If a company gives you diarrhea, there's no way you can Occupy anything of their's without fillin your pants. It's smart business.

02:34 PM
Dear McDonald's, Karl Welzein here hailing from Grand Blanc, MI. Before we get into things, just wanted to let you know that I've...

02:36 PM
...always been a fan of your value menu as well as your premium items featuring mayo, tomates & lettuce. They really hit the spot, you guys.

02:37 PM
Would like to start off by giving you bold kudos for bringin back the McRib. It's a bold taste sensation that can't be beat and always...

02:39 PM
...leaves me lusting for more. It's like you put some sort of vitamin "CRave" in the pork that makes my mouth water whether...

02:44 PM
...I'm at work or sittin on the john, or pushin out a bm.

02:46 PM
Unfortunately, I have to be the bearer of bad tidings. I've been gettin busy with the bold McRib flavors 2-3 times a day since you...

02:48 PM
...broke it out for the big McRib celebraish, with a pretty decent BM situation. The quality of the sandwich is just top notch...

02:49 PM
...and even though Ken told me you use ingredients found in gym mats or some crap, I understand that bold tastes sometimes have to...

02:52 PM
...come from exotic locals. Think there was an episode of Bizarre Flavors where the hefty gay fella eats a Giraffe vagina that he said...

02:54 PM
...tasted like a BM sandwich but had nutty aromas that reminded him of a trip to the Philippines. Really opened up my mind to new...

03:00 PM
...tastes, textures, and sensual culinary cravings only found in places like Europe and other locals.

03:03 PM
So, big ups to you Mickey D's. If gym mat dust really makes the tastes shine through in the McRib, the I'll go hand in hand you with you ...

03:05 PM
...in giving the food squares a "suck it" for being so close minded. Now, let's get back to business. A few days ago, I started having...

03:06 PM
...to spend large portion of my day on the john to, bad fries. Again, with the 2-3 McRibs I take down every day like a real badass...

03:08 PM
...I just can't resist getting your crispy golden fries. Except for KFC gravy, they're perty much the only food you can drink out of a cup.

03:09 PM
...Dave is kinda P.O.'d that I've been hoggin the john so much with my nasty D, but I told him I'd get in touch with Mickey D's asap.

03:12 PM
I strongly urge you to get in touch with my local franchise & have them check out the fry situaish. I can't be usin up all the TP 'cause...

03:14 PM
...Dave has some personal D issues as well. TP doesn't grow on trees. Ha! (Just a little guy humor there.) Thanks for your time, you guys.

03:15 PM
Sincerely, Karl Welzein

03:16 PM
P.S.- Bring back the McDLT!

Sun Oct 30 2011

01:02 PM
Crazy Cooter had a big Halloween celebraish last night. Forgot I owed his bro, Squirrel 60 bucks. Things got kinda heated.

01:51 PM
Had Dave bleach my hair and beard for my Guy Fieri costume. Burned pretty bad & some patches fell out, but looked so money.

01:58 PM
Can't believe Squirrel recognized me as the Bold Bad Boy. Really turned up the heat with my Guy costume. Front & back shades. The works.

02:18 PM
Squirrel was screaming that I owed him "60 bones" and said to "cough up the bread!" Like I was gonna give in to a guy in a hot dog costume.

04:22 PM
Any real man knows you don't dress up in some goofy costume for Halloween. Makes you look like a corncob. Gotta go with somethin badass.

04:25 PM
Dalton from Roadhouse, Steven Segal, Renegade from Renegade, Guy Fieri...all badass 'stumes that make the ladies crave your touch.

04:26 PM
Told Squirrel he could kiss my bold flavored butt if he thought he was ever gonna see the 60 bucks for his hack automotive work. So steamed.

04:29 PM
Squirrel grabbed a fork and said he was gonna "get gnarly" on me if I didn't pay. Dave hit the bricks like a sissy.

04:33 PM
If you wear a Stone Cold Steve Austin 'stume for Halloween & flip out when some maniac gets stabby with a fork, you don't deserve a peener.

04:49 PM
Told Squirrel he didn't want a piece of the Bold Bad Boy. He got confused like he didn't know what I was talking about. So I let him know.

04:58 PM
Picked up a bowl of nacho dip and thew it in Squirrel's face. He started screaming bad language. Guess it was still pretty hot.

05:01 PM
When you burn a man's face with nacho dip while he's wearing a hot dog 'stume, it's best to leave the party before more violence happens.

Mon Oct 31 2011

12:40 PM
Gettin alot of attention at work for my new bleached Guy Fieri do. Everyone seems pretty jealous. Scalp is peeling, but it's a small price.

01:07 PM
Ann just rang. Guess my daughters don't wanna T or T with my son 'cause he's a wuss. Asked if I'd take him out. Great. Kids ruin Halloween.

01:09 PM
Gotta show my son what Halloween is all about. Disturbing terror and checkin out babes' cans. It's time to man up. Maybe we can bond.

Tue Nov 01 2011

12:17 PM
Trick or Treating with my son was a disaster. I'm sorry, but that guy just sucks sometimes. He dressed up as Harry Potter. Again.

12:21 PM
Told my son that his costume should be a role model or a hero, like Rambo. Not some pretend magician who likes to ride broomsticks. Yuck.

12:32 PM
Everytime I'd get groovin on a babe at a house, my son would freak out at some scary decoration and run away. Wanted to murder him.

12:47 PM
Was drinkin cold ones out of my "adult treat bag." Took a whizz next to a house & my son yelled, "Daddy's makin pee pee!" Kinda hate him.

12:49 PM
My son wouldn't stop yelling "pee pee!" so I pre-stuffed my plumbing back in my pants and tried to pinch it. Disaster. Real soaker.

12:51 PM
Told my son that was it, that he ruined BOTH our night's and took him home. Ann probably "accidentally" over bought on the candy anyway.

01:32 PM
Trick or Treating is just begging. Should be left to the poor kids who come over from the bad neighborhoods packed in tuna boats.

01:35 PM
Always gotta have 2 candy bowls for trick or treaters. Smarties & Sweet Tarts for the visiting poor kids & Fun Size Snickers for local kids.

03:54 PM
With all the Halloween commotion, just realized I didn't have a McRib for 2 days. Really disappointed in myself. It's for a limited time.

Wed Nov 02 2011

11:36 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday! Got 6 Mango Habs to go. Ate 'em in the drive thru while I got my McRibs. Such a time saver, you guys.

11:40 AM
Had to get it on with 3 McRibs today to make up for the days I missed. They're for a limited time. It's ok to indulge in moderation.

12:47 PM
If Mickey D's can make a boneless rib sandwich, why not make a boneless chicken wing sandwich, shaped like 6 wings. The McWing!

12:54 PM
The McWing could really sweep the nation. Maybe have it for even MORE than a limited time. Gonna go draw up some plans in my car.

Thu Nov 03 2011

11:13 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:31 AM
Stayed up 'til 3am workin on my McWing sandwich idea. Think it could be winner, winner, chicken dinner. A true bold, sensation.

11:36 AM
Pretty steamed at how EVERYTHING claims to have bold flavors now. Bold flavs are for the country's elite connoisseurs, not just any corncob.

11:40 AM
The McWing sandwich'll take back bold flavors for the proud Americans who know what it's like to be a Bold Bad Boy, not just some tagalong.

11:59 AM
Gonna try and set up a meeting with Mickey D's. Got a bunch of badass drawings & a speech set up. Gonna wow 'em with my alpha charm.

12:03 PM
If you want money from a corporation, you have to really get in their face with an idea & dominate, not camp out on their lawn like a slob.

12:08 PM
I'm no stranger to bein a tough customer. Those pink panty suits at Mickey D's'll be beggin to pay when I hit 'em with my McWing aggression:

12:14 PM
"Pleasure is all yours to see me today, Mickey D's. Name's Chef Karl. And I'm gonna rock your socks off with the true bold flavors of...

12:17 PM
...The McWing. Sure you had success with the McRib in the past. Perty tasty. But that's old news, Grampa. With the bold generation...

12:20 PM
...kickin down the door for innovation, the time is now for the new McWing sandwich. (stare carnally at some babe in the room and wink)

12:23 PM
The McWing sandwich is 6 boneless wings, hyper fused together to make a patty like no other, with coating inside (spin move) AND out.

12:27 PM
Pilled high on whatever bun you use for the McRib with lettuce, tomates, garlic mayo, and Captain Karl's Krazy Wing sauce, you'll sell...

12:31 PM
...a crapload before you even put a sign up. Are you stupid idiots? You don't look stupid. Except for him. (point out some dolt for humor)

12:34 PM
Look, here's a drawing of it I made myself. (show badass drawing on official graph paper) You want it. You know it. (wink at the babe again)

12:46 PM
The McWing is all yours, for a cool million dollars. This offer is for a limited time, you guys. (turn, showcase pony, walk out, slam door)"

02:24 PM
Really ridin' high on my McWing idea. Can't wait to get out of work. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Fri Nov 04 2011

12:37 PM
One Friday, 6 Scotches, 20 beeeeerrrrs! Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

12:39 PM
Feel like a drank about a thousand beers last night, you guys. Made a bunch of McWing prototypes. Some tasty. Some not so tasty.

12:43 PM
Got a few extra McRibs today. Tryin to find that special secret for the McWing. Love isn't an ingredient you can just buy at the store.

12:45 PM
Gonna go eat a McRib on the toilet, then take a nap. Heard that most genius' do their best work in the john where there's no distractions.

06:17 PM
Dave's drinkin an Ensure, says he's got a stomach problem. Oh, SO fancy. Old Style works just fine by me as a poop shoot greaser. Sissy.

Sat Nov 05 2011

12:58 PM
Not a fan, but just ordered this bad boy: http://t.co/mOZj7RJx Beaver Nation! Ha! Just some guy humor. Such a classic, you guys.

06:47 PM
Dave's really tickin me off. Keeps sayin how Ensure is makin his #2s "bigger and badder than ever before." Who brags about bm's?!

07:02 PM
Dave's drunk. Says he "could beat me any day in a log contest." He's such a no class sow.

07:05 PM
Dave's weirdin me out. I'm goin to Paddy's. Sick of this.

10:27 PM
Just got home. Dave left a massive BM in the toilet with a note on the seat that says, "DAVE = CHAMPION." Really steamed.

10:29 PM
YOU JUST DON'T GO AROUND FLAUNTIN YOUR BIG BM'S IN PEOPLE'S FACES LIKE SOME HOMELESS ANIMAL!

10:35 PM
Tried to flush it down but it clogged the toilet. Overflow city. The john is a disaster, you guys. NOT HOW I WANT TO END MY NIGHT.

10:48 PM
Just shut the john door. Had to take a whizz in the kitchen sink. Hope the "CHAMPION" likes cleanin up his own waste in the morning.

11:50 PM
Can't sleep. The whole pad reeks like Dave's stool overflow. Gonna go heavy on the Glade & throw in a Totino's to cover up the odor.

11:58 PM
There's no worse way to end your Saturday night than gagging on your pal's stool, you guys.

Sun Nov 06 2011

12:00 AM
Gonna pack my nostrils with peanut butter and hit the sack. It's an old sailor trick to block out BM smell on the high seas.

12:56 PM
Dave's just sittin around watchin football, pretending like the john floor isn't covered in his bodily waste. So sick of this.

07:51 PM
Looks like Dave is just never gonna clean up his BM overflow in the john. Says it's my fault 'cause I flushed it. Wanna sock his face.

08:55 PM
Put Dave's bath towel over his butt waste floor mess. Hope he likes dryin off with his own doo-doo crust in the morning.

Mon Nov 07 2011

11:10 AM
Somethin happened to my main man Vernon in the parking lot. Goin downstairs. There's an ambulance, cops, the works. Really worried.

03:57 PM
Just got home. Such a stressful day. Vernon got robbed in the parking lot and they stabbed him in the leg. Was really hard on me.

04:01 PM
Vernon said he was "aight" but I insisted on going in the ambulance with him. Bros get each other's back when the streets get hot, you guys.

04:05 PM
Vernon played it cool like he didn't want me there. He's the hardest soul brother I know, but everyone needs a pal in tough times.

04:13 PM
Vernon said another black stabbed him. So sad. Guess he actually didn't even know him or anything. Not even from back in the day.

04:24 PM
I can understand how a black could stab a honkey peckerwood out of frustration or for money, but black on black crime makes no sense at all.

04:36 PM
Wish I was there with Vernon when that fool started trippin on him. You don't watch Roadhouse 50 times without learnin some hand to hand.

04:44 PM
The Dr. who stitched Vernon's leg up was a sultry babe. Really felt a carnal attraction between us. Made the whole stabbing almost worth it.

04:46 PM
Showed Dr. Sultry some of my Roadhouse moves I would have used on the black mugger. Could tell she was impressed but had to focus on Vernon.

05:30 PM
Can't stop thinkin about Dr. Sultry. Ann used to make me watch Grey's Anatomy. Doctors have no control over their bodily urges, you guys.

Tue Nov 08 2011

11:54 AM
Went out at lunch and got buttons made for Vernon. "V-Dog Stabbed: Never Forget." Least I can do for my main man.

01:06 PM
Nosey lady asked who "V-Dog" is. It's Vernon's hood name! She's such a stupid sow. Thinks people don't have a life outside of work.

01:14 PM
When a homeboy gets jacked, it's important to represent to the fullest, you guys.

01:27 PM
Thinkin about gettin a piece in case that fool who tripped on Vernon comes back. I'd come out straight dumpin on him. Gotta be safe.

Wed Nov 09 2011

01:04 PM
Vernon's still not back at work. Really worried. Goin to 7-11 to get a 40. Drink it in the 'Bring. It's what Vernon would've wanted.

01:06 PM
If one of your black homies gets stabbed and you don't pour out some malt liquor for him at least once a day, you're being racist, you guys.

Thu Nov 10 2011

11:02 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:49 AM
The black on black violence with my main man Vernon makes me think Herman Cain could be the way to go. He's off the chain with bold color.

11:51 AM
Think it's about time we forgive and forget Herman Cain's erotic issues. We're all human. And that Coke can pubic hair thing was years ago.

12:01 PM
Brothers like Herman Cain usually aren't trusted with a restaurant register, let alone a whole pizza empire. Really says somethin, you guys.

12:33 PM
Herman Cain should hook up with Papa John. Run under the Pizza Party. Papa's in the White House!

01:21 PM
Most blacks should be republican I guess. They're pro-guns. And if anyone could use protection, it's ghetto people in bad neighborhoods.

01:28 PM
Gettin a piece soon. It's the responsible thing to do. Can't wait to show Vernon how I'm strapped. Guns aren't just for blacks, you guys.

01:32 PM
Ted Nugent thinks everyone should own a gun. It'd bring the crime rate down & keep people honest. Plus you can shoot healthy food animals.

03:06 PM
If Herman Cain doesn't become the Prez, might hit him up about Captain Karl's Pizza Ship. He could take it all the way to the top, you guys.

03:11 PM
Sometimes when I see a black man like Herman Cain do so much with life; pizza empire, maybe Prez, loads of babes; it gets me down on myself.

03:14 PM
Feel like I gave up on Captain Karl's Pizza Ship. It coulda been huge. I was so close I could taste the bold flavors. I gotta try harder.

03:19 PM
Herman Cain is an inspiration. I KNOW what people crave and what babes desire. Just have to shove it in their face harder than anyone else.

03:25 PM
Goin home. Gonna buckle down with some top shelf margs, cold ones, SUPREME pizza. The works. Gotta plan my new life. Thanks, Herman Cain.

Fri Nov 11 2011

09:18 AM
Heard about that Penn State fella. What a corncob. When you hit the showers, just get your body clean and get out. No need for horseplay.

10:03 AM
Fri-day, baby. Dun dun dun dun dunna dun dun. (That's an old school hip hop track goin' out to my main man Vernon, you guys.)

Sat Nov 12 2011

02:45 PM
Just polished off a KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl. Move over McRib, there's a bold new sheriff in Flavortown.

02:50 PM
Bombed on cold ones from watching MSU stomp the Iowa Corncobs. Headin back to KFC for another CBB. It's ok to drive drunk if it's for food.

Sun Nov 13 2011

12:20 PM
Polished off another KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl. I just can't say enough good things about it. It's a complete hearty meal in itself, you guys.

12:21 PM
The KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl is for a limited time. Gotta take advantage. When KFC adds bacon into the mix, they're pretty much unstoppable.

12:24 PM
If you don't get a KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl before they're gone, you're pretty much the stupidest a-hole in town. That's just a fact, you guys.

12:47 PM
The only way KFC could sell even more Cheesy Double Bs is if the Colonel himself shoved a gun in vegan corncobs' faces and made 'em eat it.

01:02 PM
Dave says the KFC Colonel was racist. Mighta been a slave owner. Glad he's dead so we can all enjoy his chicken, guilt free, you guys.

04:09 PM
Guess there's no evidence that Colonel Sanders owned any slaves. Probably got erased as part of a government cover up.

04:12 PM
KFC really got me thinkin. Seems like "bowls" are all the rage. Think Captain Karl's Pizza Bowls could really sweep the nation.

04:16 PM
Think this could be huge. Captain Karl's Pizza Bowls are a bowl of bold pizza chunks you eat in a bowl. Only at Captain Karl's Pizza Ship.

04:18 PM
I gotta get in touch with Herman Cain. He could take this to the top. Pretty bombed on cold ones though, might have to wait to reach out.

04:22 PM
I do my best thinkin' when I'm drinkin.' Ha! Just made that up. Should make t-shirts. Sell 'em at the Pizza Ship. Writin' all this down.

04:36 PM
In the end, we're all "only for a limited time," you guys.

Mon Nov 14 2011

10:31 AM
Vernon's back at work today! Super pumped. Look out ya'll, V-Dog's in the house! My MAIN man.

10:34 AM
Showed Vernon my "V-Dog Stabbed: Never Forget" buttons. He axed who "V-Dog" was. He playin' it smooth. Keepin' the streets & work separate.

10:43 AM
Proud of Vernon for takin' a week off for a stab wound. No one expects blacks to go to work anyway. Gotta take advantage of their racism.

10:47 AM
Goin to pound another KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl on the toilet & catch a snooze. KFC's Cheesy Double B's go down smooth anytime, you guys.

05:07 PM
Wonder why Mickey D's hasn't tried out a "bowl" yet. The Cheesy McRib Bacon Bowl would really knock it out the park.

05:10 PM
McDonald's New Cheesy Bacon McRib Bowl: Taters, gravy, melty cheese, corn, bacon, & Chunks O' McRib all combining for maximum bold flavors.

05:13 PM
The T-Moblie girl just came on the tube and Dave said, "Oooo, me so horny." Great job being racist AND makin me want to puke, Dave.

05:15 PM
When you feel horniness caused by the carnal desires of a cell phone commercial, there's no need to let everyone know your junk tingles.

05:19 PM
I'm no stranger to erotic feelings from tv adverts. I'm a healthy male. But you just sit there in quiet and ride it out. Show some class.

06:09 PM
The trick to enjoyin a hard body gal is to just give her a long carnal stare and keep your trap shut. Keep it mysterious, you guys.

Tue Nov 15 2011

12:57 PM
Had some badass ideas last night. Gonna hit up Herman Cain with a 20 in the envelope. Really grease the wheels.

01:04 PM
Whether you need fine restaurant seating, a thoughtful gift, or someone's trap shut about a restroom incident, a 20 says you mean business.

01:26 PM
Finished up my letter to Herman Cain 'bout gettin back in the pizza game. Think it's right on point. Especially with the $20 donaish.

01:34 PM
"Dear Herman Cain, 'Sup. Name's Karl Welzein. Hope you don't mind if I keep things casual, one pizza man to another.

01:35 PM
Plus, I know Vernon (V-Dog). He's my homeboy from the streets (a fellow black) who got jacked a minute ago. Don't trip, he cool now.

01:37 PM
I just wanted to get at you right quick about some ideas I had on the pizza tip. Ya'll know how fools be cravin' bowls now and shit?

01:39 PM
Well, peep this; what if you and me hooked up for a black guy / white guy super team up in the pizza game if you don't get to be prez?

01:42 PM
I've got a biz plan that could do it proper. It's called Captain Karl's Pizza Ship, and it's off the chain. Bold flavors for the people.

01:44 PM
Here's the twist; we'd have complimentary Tricuits & Mayo (an old black pirate treat from the 7-seas), busty sea wench waitresses who...

01:45 PM
...blacks, whites, or saucy caramel honey's, just as long as they come correct with the chest beefers. Chest beefers are equal...

01:46 PM
...opportunity as far as I'm concerned. I've never been carnally in touch with a black babe. It's not my thang. But I can see how you...

01:49 PM
...brothers crave their juicy backdoor areas. You know what I'm sayin? Anyway, let's get back to biz: Cheesy Bacon Bowl. Boom.

01:51 PM
McRib. Boom. Pizza. (supreme toppings) Boom. Let's put all those things together in a bowl and sell those bad boys for a taste...

01:52 PM
...sensation like no other, my brother from another mother. Taters, rib chunks, pizza, bacon, corn, gravy. Totally out of bounds.

01:57 PM
I think that if the Cain Train and Captain Karl teamed up, we could take it to the top. I dig your style, and I like new friends. Dave's...

01:58 PM
...been buggin' me lately with his erotic feelings towards the T-Mobile babe and issues with serious D, so I could use a new roll dog.

02:00 PM
I know you crave the touch of steamy babes, but you do it with class and respect. And I never believed that you put pubes on that...

02:02 PM
...soul sisters Coke can. And frankly, it's nobody's business how you put on the moves. I'm sure you do fine erotically, being a power man.

02:06 PM
Hope we can kick it soon, Herman. Keep it real. -Karl Welzein. P.S. Use that 20 to try to be prez. My treat. Not a bribe.

05:23 PM
Feelin accomplished about rappin at the Cain Train. Puttin Stranglehold on repeat & headin to Cold One City for a one man celebraish.

05:26 PM
It's not drinkin' alone if you're rockin' to some Ted Nugent, you guys.

Wed Nov 16 2011

12:31 PM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Took down 12 Hot BBQ for the Cain Train. He's a pizza man, but has to be a BBQ brother from way back.

01:06 PM
Ken said it's racist to just ASSUME Herman Cain likes BBQ ribs. Is it better to just assume he's some kinda asshole who doesn't?

01:10 PM
When a black & a white guy can't sit down to discuss BBQ & Pizza coming together, then this country might as well just close shop.

01:44 PM
Why can't we just hire a smooth cocoa republican brother who loves pizza to be prez. Everybody wins. The USA is about compromise, you guys.

Thu Nov 17 2011

11:23 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:38 AM
Why don't they make 10-Hour Energy? Who only works for 5 hours and can't make it through their shift at Wendy's? Probably Mexicans.

11:40 AM
Alot of people think Mexicans are lazy. Not true. It's in their DNA to take siestas. It's important to be tolerant, you guys.

11:45 AM
That sissy in the 5-Hour Energy commersh is such a corncob. "I'm so sleepy! Need my coffee!" What he really needs is a morning ass kicking.

11:47 AM
Took down 3 5-Hour Energies. 15-Hour Energy! They should make that. Keeps you rockin' into the night! Gonna go do some pushups in the john.

03:25 PM
Drank another 5-Hour Energy. Really crankin'. Headin to Paddy's then who knows? Pretty cold out but puttin the top down ready to ROOOOO...

03:26 PM
...OOOOOOOOOOOCK ALL NIGHT LONG YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fri Nov 18 2011

01:02 AM
Can't sleep. Shouldn't have had 20-Hours of Energy. Might toss back a couple cold ones. It's the natural way to hit the sack.

01:08 AM
Ann used to take Ambien. She'd turn into a nutso idiot. Except for the one time she called me Magnum PI. Only time we made it in 2007.

02:06 AM
Super bombed. Still can't sleep. Gonna do some shots of Crown. Gotta get some shut eye, you guys.

02:33 AM
Wham-O wants invention ideas. Gonna send 'em my idea for athe slip n drink. just siip down the booze then drink it. it's easy and who cars

11:23 AM
Pretty shaken up. Dozed off on the way to work. Woke up drivin into oncoming traffic. The big man upstairs really saved me on this one.

11:25 AM
Only got an hour of sleep. Think I might be still drunk but who knows? Everything seems like pretend. Could really use a hug, you guys.

11:27 AM
Happy Friday, you guys. Going to catch some zzz's on the toilet. Feel like my heart's gonna explode. Hard to breathe.

Sat Nov 19 2011

01:32 AM
Know when to say when, you guys.

01:37 PM
I don't know where the 'Bring is. Don't know why I don't have on underpants. Tryin' to piece it together. Think' Arby's was involved.

02:04 PM
Think the 'Bring is at Paddy's. Remember havin 5-Hour Energy Vodka Shots 'cause I wrote down "5hr energy vdka blasts" on my arm.

02:05 PM
Musta taken a cab to Arby's. Kinda remember gettin in a fight with the cab driver 'cause they were closed. Figured I'd wait it out.

02:10 PM
Now I remember where my unders are. Oh god. Not good, you guys. Gonna go for a walk and think about my actions. Need time for reflection.

Sun Nov 20 2011

11:46 AM
Guess I had an accident in the cab on the way to Arby's. Took off my unders in the backseat. Threw 'em out the window. Flew back in.

11:50 AM
Cab driver freaked out 'cause I got "doo-doo" all over his car. Who calls #2, "doo-doo?" Black cab drivers when they want you dead.

11:54 AM
Cab driver kicked me out of the cab with my peener and veggies all hangin out. Hope there's no security video. They know me at 'By's.

11:57 AM
When you fill your pants in a cab on the way to a closed Arby's at 3am, it's time to cut back to only light beer for awhile, you guys.

Mon Nov 21 2011

11:49 AM
Really lookin' forward to the Turkey Day weekend, you guys.

11:54 AM
No need to put in any effort at work this week. No point to it. It's a short week. Best to take it easy and gear up for the celebraish.

12:07 PM
Workin on plans for the Turkey Day feast. Might see what Ann & the kids are up to. Help her stuff her bird. Ha! (just some guy humor)

12:10 PM
Turkey Day is the time when we show those filthy Indians how we took the USA and made it bigger and badder. Really shove it in their face.

12:15 PM
Scary how if the Indians were still in charge, we'd all be drunk diseased animals. Sometimes you have to slaughter the weak for humanity.

12:26 PM
I'm not one for violence against other peoples. That's the government's job, you guys. Just have to trust that the USA does it best.

12:30 PM
Some people are sensitive about how we treated the Indians in the war. But I bet if there was news coverage like now, they'd see different.

12:36 PM
The Pilgim/Indian War is kinda like Iraq. It was for the best, but very unfortunate the blood of the lesser man had to be shed.

12:48 PM
Wish we could all go back in time and live hand in hand with the Indian peoples. So much we could have learned with today's technology.

12:49 PM
In olden times, war was the only answer. But now, I think we coulda been cool with the Indians. All colors are equal in 2011.

01:22 PM
The secret to my bird is the brine. Turns out so moist. Bold succulent flavors. Really off the chain. Brine or die, you guys.

02:07 PM
Ann says I can stop by, but she cooks a terrible bird. Gonna really wow her when I bring over my brined bad boy. Give hers to the dog.

05:06 PM
Did some research on Turkey Day tonight. Turns out it has nothin to do with with a war on Indians. Sad how the media twists everything.

05:09 PM
Turkey Day is a co-celebraish between the white man and the natives, you guys. They were super pumped for the bold flavors of the new world.

05:20 PM
Guess Indians are real serious 'bout bein called Native Americans. Thought it was an either/or. Wonder if Cleveland'll change their name?

05:23 PM
Plus, The Cleveland Native Americans would be a badass name for a baseball team. Wonder why those corncobs haven't changed it? So offensive.

05:37 PM
Pumped to take everyone at work to school about the TRUE history of Turkey Day. Really shove it in their face. Make everyone feel stupid.

09:15 PM
Got a 25lb. bird. Puttin it in my brine tonight. Really give it time to soak up the bold flavors of my secret spices. Gonna be out of bounds

Tue Nov 22 2011

01:15 PM
Nosey lady just went bananas. Said, "Just 'cause it's a holiday week doesn't mean everyone can sit around pickin their butt!" Inappropriate.

01:20 PM
If there's anyone who needs to pick their butt, it's Nosey Lady. Always looks like she's got half of Lane Bryant crammed in her backdoor.

01:25 PM
Butt picking is somethin that should be done in private. Like the john, your car, or behind a shrub. That's always been my policy, you guys.

02:01 PM
Leavin work early. Gotta change the ice in my turkey cooler. Diarrhea and Turkey Day don't mix, you guys. Unless you're some veggie corncob.

06:10 PM
Came home and Dave had put cans of cold ones in the cooler with my brined raw Turk. Really steamed.

Wed Nov 23 2011

12:03 PM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys! Took down 18 hot BBQ. Gotta stretch my stomach for Turkey Day. Pounding water. It's an old Oriental secret.

12:06 PM
Ken said to stop buggin him so he could get some work down. Was tellin him the true history of Turkey Day. Some people don't like learning.

12:09 PM
What kinda dumb corncob is doing actual work today? The Turkey Day celebraish is all about relaxation. Gotta ease into it.

12:52 PM
Dave keeps droppin hints about "havin no where to go tomorrow" and blah blah blah. Might have to bring that sad bag o' crap to Ann's.

01:28 PM
If a pal's alone on a holiday, ya gotta take him in even if he's stupid garbage. Feels good to help out a slob with your charity, you guys.

02:49 PM
Left work early. Just got home. Dave cut off one of the Turk legs and microwaved it. Said he was takin part of his "share" early. P.O.'d!!!

05:09 PM
Just cut the other leg of the Turk to make it even. Gonna replace 'em with kielbasas. Actually think it'll be badass. Custom bold flavors.

Thu Nov 24 2011

09:35 AM
Turkey Day 2011. Never forget. Let's roll, you guys.

11:23 AM
Who were those Nickelback corncobs? No Seger?! No Kid Rock?! Wow, in Detroit too. Pretty sad. Great time to take a major BM though.

08:46 PM
This Turkey Day, I'm just thankful to be still rockin' in the USA, you guys.

Fri Nov 25 2011

12:24 AM
kwep it goine all night long!! thatnk you USA yourgusy!!!!!!!!!!

12:35 PM
Sad to see the poor people lined up for savings this morning. Just work that hard everyday so you don't have to get up at 4am for a $30 tv.

01:08 PM
Had a blast at Ann's. Flipped my bird on it's end; "The Mega Turk Bowl." Filled with bacon, taters, corn, cheese, & stuffin. Out of bounds.

01:18 PM
My son said, "Daddy's turkey's weird." Weird is eatin veggie chicken nuggets with ketchup wearin a stupid magic hat on Turkey Day.

01:23 PM
Was actually great to have my man Dave at Ann's. Think more marriages would work out if you had a buddy to hang out with livin with you.

01:25 PM
Dave pulled such a classic. Put the turkey neck in his fly & snuck up on Ann. She turned around and went bananas. Said it was inappropriate.

01:27 PM
When your wife doesn't crack up at a grown man with a Turkey Neck hangin out of his pants like a peener, bein separated makes alot of sense.

01:36 PM
No one would touch the Mega Turk Bowl, so me and Dave went at it alone. Was nice to not have to eat Ann's dried out bland bird.

01:38 PM
For the holidays, if someone makes something you don't like, it's polite manners to let them know so they don't embarrass themselves again.

01:43 PM
Me and Dave musta drank a thousand beers. Ann asked if we were ok to drive. She coulda just asked us to go. Such a rude hint to leave.

01:49 PM
It's ok to drive drunk on Turkey Day. When everyone knows everyone else is bombed, the understanding is to just be extra careful, you guys.

05:14 PM
Asked Ann if I could stop by to pick up some lefties. She said, "Yeah, you left your marijuana cigarette in the guest bathroom" & hung up.

05:15 PM
Forgot me & Dave burned a J in the guest john. Wonder if Ann really wants me to come get it plus some lefties? She sounded steamed.

Sat Nov 26 2011

12:59 PM
Stopped by Ann's for some lefties last night. Wouldn't answer the door. Called a bunch of times. No answer. Could see her inside the window!

01:02 PM
Sat in the 'Bring and layed on the horn. Bunch of neighbors came out but no Ann. Pretty rude of her. Sick of her head games.

01:05 PM
Might head over to Ann's today. Give her a piece of my mind after a few cold ones or I might get too harsh. Cold ones lighten your attitude.

01:07 PM
Just because you're separated from your wife doesn't mean she can hog all the Turkey Day lefties. Sick of this.

Sun Nov 27 2011

01:48 PM
Went to Ann's last night to get my damn lefties. Wasn't home. Was really steamed. Kicked in the back door. Gonna have to lay low for awhile.

01:49 PM
There wasn't even any lefties in the fridge. Either they hogged 'em all down or she threw 'em out 'cause they were "old." Always does that.

01:50 PM
I wouldn't even HAVE to kick down the door of a house I OWN if Ann didn't change the locks. Sick of this.

01:52 PM
Felt good to kick that door down. Like Segal or Dalton Roadhouse.

07:34 PM
Just saw a commercial for the new Mission Impossible. Looks pretty badass. Might have to check out the action. Love a good macho flick.

07:36 PM
Dave said he heard Tom Cruise is gay. Yeah right. Ever see Top Gun? Tom Cruise is all man, you guys. He's got babes for days.

Mon Nov 28 2011

11:21 AM
Ann's been calling all day. Said the house got broken into but nothing was stolen. She's all upset. Lettin' it go to voicemail. Not my prob.

11:22 AM
First off, I know Ann's not in danger because I kicked the door down. Secondly, if nothing was stolen, why even bother me with it?

11:55 AM
Ann just left another message. Something about "not caring about my family's safety." Whatever. Don't need this while I'm at work.

01:18 PM
If you own property, it's your right as an American to destroy it in anyway you please, you guys.

Tue Nov 29 2011

01:50 PM
Just walked in on Nosey Lady tellin' one of the head honchos that I'm "not really pulling my weight." Dirty backstabber. Really steamed.

02:03 PM
Nosey Lady better watch her back. Ol' Karl knows a thing or 2 about really burnin' someone down. I've got all kinds of dirt on that sow.

03:37 PM
If someone is out to get you, it's important to be prepared for war. Gotta have enough ammo to really destroy their credibility, you guys.

Wed Nov 30 2011

12:56 PM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Brought my own hamburg bun, did some debonin' & made a McWing, B-Dubs style. Waitress gave me a look.

12:58 PM
Sometimes, a bold flavor connoisseur can't be constrained by the limits of a restaurant's menu. You gotta make your own rules, you guys.

01:00 PM
If McDonald's won't buy my McWing idea, I'll just keep makin' myself at B-Dubs. Everytime I do, they lose a sale. Profits down the drain.

01:04 PM
You could make a McWing with boneless wings, but it's not the same. Gotta debone 'em yourself. It's a labor of love and bold passion.

01:11 PM
Boneless wings are for sissies, women, and children. A real bold flavor man never orders boneless wings. Ever. That's a fact.

08:59 PM
Finishin' up my dirt list on Nosey Lady. Gotta burn her down before Friday. That's when people get canned. Gotta really ruin her life.

Thu Dec 01 2011

12:51 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

01:29 PM
Got my list of Nosey Lady burn downs all set to go in case she wants to go toe to toe. No one messes with Captain Karl. NO ONE!

01:34 PM
1. Nosey lady locked the bathroom and I had to take a massive BM behind the work dumpster, then clean my backdoor with napkins from BK.

01:37 PM
2. Nosey Lady wears ill fitting clothing that are a distraction, and not in the good way like causing carnal desires which are healthy.

01:39 PM
Women with loose sloppers should make an effort to cover themselves. I can't focus on my work while feeling physically ill.

01:45 PM
3. Nosey Lady's Michelina's Lean Gourmet meals give the workplace a horrid odor, and show no class. We're trying to be civil here.

01:51 PM
4. Nosey Lady gave Vernon the worst workspace. Right by the john. Only a racist would seat a cool soul brother by the toilet, you guys.

01:55 PM
5. I think Nosey Lady buys her slacks with a pre-wedge that's unpickable. There's no other excuse. Again, very distracting. Puke city.

01:57 PM
6. Nosey Lady kept dangerous Activia's in the fridge, which almost sent me to an early grave. It's a hazardous substance and...

01:59 PM
...should not be tolerated. No one keeps guns at work. They can kill you. So can 4 Activia's.

02:09 PM
7. Nosey Lady seems pretty hard up for affection from a gentleman. Could make her snap at any time. Kill us all. It's a fact.

02:10 PM
Ann made me watch some Lifetime crap once about this gal who was puke city in the bod and face department, some guy had...

02:14 PM
...got steamy and nude with her for some guy humor with his pals after too many cold ones and he video taped it. When she found out, she...

02:15 PM
...murdered a bunch of innocent people. Pretty sure it'll happen to Nosey Lady sometime. Then we'll all be sorry. Let's keep it safe.

02:19 PM
In conclusion, do we really want a racist/possible murderer who's a grossout in our workplace? Let's at least get her the help she needs.

02:24 PM
If you ever want someone to "not be around anymore," the polite way is to suggest "they get the help they need," you guys.

11:38 PM
Couldn't sleep. Watchin' some tube. Really anxious about if it goes down with Nosey tomorrow. Could be a blood bath.

11:43 PM
Looks like there's new fries at BK! Thick cut. Super pumped. I like dippin' fries in their Zesty Sauce. Just an insider tip, you guys.

11:47 PM
BK should sell their Zesty Sauce in the store. At the Pizza Ship, we gotta knock off the recipe. Great for 'za, sammies, anything really.

11:50 PM
Triple Steak Stack at Taco Bell?!!! Would love to combo it with some BK Zesty O-Ring Sauce. Man, that'd be bonkers.

Fri Dec 02 2011

12:27 AM
Really miss Hickory Farms bein' at the mall. Holiday shopping will never be the same without their samples. Someone should do something.

11:31 AM
Got myself some new Thick Cut fries from BK. Asked for 20 Zesty Sauces. Wanted enough for one cup per Thick Cut. Gave me the runaround.

11:33 AM
The manager at BK said the most Zesty Sauces they could give me is 4. Got really steamed. They're free! You can't put a limit on free items!

11:38 AM
If BK wants to make Thick Cuts, I demand bold satisfaction with enough Zesty Sauce for the thickness. And some lefties for finger dippin.

11:48 AM
Wonder if Dr. 20 made an emergency call to one of the BK workers, a case of Zesty Sauce might "fall off the truck?" They gotta be hard up.

11:54 AM
Just walked by Nosey. Gave her the "cut your throat" sign. She went and made a phone call. Think she got my drift & took back what she said.

11:58 AM
The "cut your throat" sign is universal. Lets anyone know you mean business. Intimidation is the first rule of battle, you guys.

12:33 PM
Just got a phone call from one of the head honchos. Supposed to have a lunch meetin with him & Nosey on Monday. Somethin big is up.

Sat Dec 03 2011

03:14 PM
My thoughts and prayers go out to the whole Cain Train family, you guys.

03:17 PM
Maybe Cain Train is just ready to get back in the pizza game? Gotta be hard for a bold flavor brother to stay away from the hustle.

03:22 PM
Maybe Cain Train finally got to my letter. Heard about us teamin' up for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship. It's a long shot, but there's a chance.

03:26 PM
Plus, at Captain Karl's Pizza Ship, the busty sea wench waitresses are A-OK with carnal flirtations. Sexual misconduct isn't on our menu.

03:30 PM
Sad that a black man can't be president just because he patted a few babes on the caboose. Racial tolerance still has a long way to go.

03:58 PM
Dave just came out of his room in some weird fleece suit. Said it's called a "Forever Lazy." I'm goin' for a walk now.

Sun Dec 04 2011

11:45 AM
Dave's walkin' around in his Forever Lazy, asked me if he should go to AA. Sissy. He just wants attention. Better to just bury your sorrows.

11:48 AM
I'm drinkin' a goddamn Dewer's & Diet out of a goddamn Burger King cup. That's how a MOTOR CITY BAD BOY starts his Sunday, you guys.

01:24 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys. Might get rocked like never before. Hurricane standards.

01:26 PM
Big showdown with Nosey tomorrow. Before you go to war, you live life to the fullest. Really turn up the volume.

01:28 PM
If a few cold ones and Seger's "Roll Me Away" cranked up on a Sunday afternoon doesn't make you feel like a God, you don't deserve the USA.

01:31 PM
ZZ Top's "Peal Necklace" just came on. Forgot what a nasty sensation it was. Guy humor, carnal desires. Such a jam you guys. Real funky.

02:12 PM
Dave just said he's been thinkin' about killing himself. That's what happens when you wanna stop drinkin' and start wearing a Forever Lazy.

02:28 PM
I was Dave, I'd wanna kill myself too. No rockin' pony, no 'rang, crappy 'logne, no babes. What's the point? Just eat a barrel.

02:45 PM
Wonder how many babes Ted Nugent has made it with today? Probably at least 3. Maybe 4. Gonna tell Dave. Make him really hate himself.

02:49 PM
When a pal is feelin' down, you have show how much worse the future will be. Makes the present not seem so bad, you guys.

02:54 PM
If I was gonna kill myself, I'd fly a helicopter into the sun. It'd be badass. Babes would weep for the carnal possibilities they missed.

03:00 PM
Dave's in his room listening to Dark Side of the Moon. If you're gonna kill yourself, at least do it to Beautiful Loser. Show some class.

05:34 PM
If you choose to turn to the darkside, do so quietly, and without reservation, you guys.

05:37 PM
Really diggin' the Creed song, "With Arms Wide Open." Makes alot of sense. Crankin' it on repeat. Gonna stand on the roof...

05:37 PM
...and let the world know it can kiss my ass, 'cause I'm. The. Man.

05:40 PM
I'VE GOT THE WORLD BY THE BALLS. EVERYONE CAN KISS MY SMELLY ASS. GO LIONS! I'M GONNA BURY THAT BITCH TOMORROW!!!

05:41 PM
YOU DON'T MESS AROUND WITH CAPTAIN KARL. I'M THE MAN!!! SUCK MY PEENER!!! Goin' on the roof now.

05:57 PM
If you're not with me, I could give a fat USA crap about what you think. And that's the bottom line, 'CAUSE STONE COLD KARL WELZEIN SAYS SO.

06:44 PM
Kiss my ass. If you don't like me. I don't need you. You weak pile of garbage. Go back to your stupid life where people pretend to like you.

06:45 PM
I'm the friggin' man. YOU SUCK. That's my new motto. Let's roll, you guys.

08:04 PM
Kiss stealin'. Wheelin' dealin'. Jet flyin'. Limosine ridin'. Stylin' & Proflin'. Son of a gun. Woooo!!! RIP Ric Flair. He was the best.

08:05 PM
I'VE GOT TO STYLE AND PROFILE LIKE NEVER BEFORE! WOOOOO!!!! Goin back on the roof. Smoke some cigs. I'm the man.

08:54 PM
Goin' to Deja Vu. Bombed. Who cares. Gotta style and profile. Like never before.

Mon Dec 05 2011

12:07 PM
Styled & profiled a little too hard last night. Tore the right mirror off the 'Bring. Put a big gouge down the side. It's really a mystery.

12:12 PM
Had my big lunch at Applebees's with Nosey and the honcho today. Went all out on my order. It's a power move, you guys.

12:15 PM
Started with the Wonton Chicken Tacos. Such a bold fusion masterpiece of Old Mexico and Oriental flavors.

12:26 PM
Then I moved on to the Shrimp & Parm Sirloin. Ordering the 2nd most expensive item on the menu shows class without being obnoxious.

12:30 PM
Went to the john, exhausted from stylin & profilin. Passed out on the can. Honcho came to see if I was ok. Played it off with some grunts.

12:37 PM
Honcho said he wanted to have a talk with me and Nosey because she was "worried" about me. Something about "erratic" behavior.

12:40 PM
Told Nosey she wrong about me bein erratic. I'm erotic. Like when I was at Deja Vu last night. Could tell Honcho agreed, guy to guy.

12:43 PM
When Nosey went to the john, I knew I had my chance to bond. Told Honcho all about the rockin chest beefers at the club last night.

12:46 PM
Asked the Honcho if he was a bold flavor man? Then I made power move #2 and ordered us a couple ice cold Sam Adams. Guy to guy.

12:48 PM
When Nosey came back, I asked her if she fell in? The Honcho put his head in his hands. He musta been DYING to crack up. She turned red.

12:53 PM
Nosey asked if I have a drinkin problem. So inappropriate. Got really steamed, pounded my cold one & got another. Show her I'm in control.

01:01 PM
Told Nosey lady SHE has the drinking problem and whoever smelt it dealt it. Gave Honcho a guy to guy "wink." Really shut her down.

01:19 PM
Honcho wants to have another meeting in private after the holidays. Just a guy to guy. It's what alpha dogs do. Get to the nitty gritty.

01:27 PM
When the check came, it was split 3 ways. Thought work would pick it up. Got really steamed. Wouldn't have gone all out if I was paying.

01:32 PM
Honcho could tell I was P.O.'d and picked mine up too. Nosey still had to pay. She must have been so embarrassed at my success.

01:45 PM
If someone wants to get you in trouble, you strike first and strike hard. Really bury 'em. It doesn't matter if you're at an Applebee's.

Tue Dec 06 2011

12:31 PM
Looks like someone brought in a buncha cookies & bars for the holidays. Gotta go take advantage before word gets out.

01:00 PM
During the holidays, everything is first come, first served. Every man for himself. It's the spirit of the season, you guys.

Wed Dec 07 2011

10:53 AM
Big hub bub this morning. Guess Vernon brought those holiday goodies for a party he had to go to after work. His wife is steamed.

10:55 AM
Vernon said, "My wife crazy! Somebody better step up about eatin' them treats!" Really on a warpath. Gotta lay low.

10:57 AM
When you leave out food in a common area at work during the holidays, it's for everyone. Kinda of a rule. Guess Vernon didn't know that.

11:19 AM
I feel bad for Vernon. Hear soul sisters can get pretty hardcore when you screw up. Ever see Good Times? Florida didn't play.

11:27 AM
When you make a mistake because of someone else's mistake, best to just keep quiet about it. No need for 2 ships to go down.

11:31 AM
Was gonna treat Vernon to Wing Wednesday as an anonymous "I'm sorry" but thought it'd be obvious. Might just leave a 20 on his desk.

11:35 AM
Always gotta learn from your mistakes. I learned that soul sisters make some dynamite holiday treats. Might never go back to honkey cookies.

Thu Dec 08 2011

11:17 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:39 PM
We're supposed to pick Secret Santas at work later. Gotta get a good one. Nothin worse than havin' a grossout Secret Santa, you guys.

12:45 PM
Secret Santa is the time to reward someone and take credit on the sly, or punish them anonymously so they know they suck super hard..

12:57 PM
Last year my Secret Santa got me a badass Red Wings scarf. Let me know I was on team "cool." Wish I didn't drop it in the toilet at Wendy's.

04:29 PM
I drew Nosey Lady for Secret Santa today. Can hardly admit it to myself. I can't believe this. Night is ruined. Headin to Cold One City.

04:32 PM
Dave said "Christmas is the time to treat your enemies with love just like Jesus did." Jesus helps BELIEVERS, not enemies, idiot. They burn.

04:36 PM
The Kings loved Jesus and brought him gold jewelry, exotic oils & bold smellin' goods. They're pals. Enemies didn't get him a cold fart.

04:43 PM
It's a $20 limit. Technically, I could pay Dave $20 for some of his smelly BVDs and it'd count. In Japan, used unders are a primo gift.

04:45 PM
The cold ones are goin' down SO smooth, you guys. Just somethin' about the holidays, ya know? It's important to indulge to the fullest.

Fri Dec 09 2011

09:06 AM
"Rockin' around, the Friday tree, time to not do any work..." Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

09:18 AM
Feel like no one should have to work on Fridays around the holidays. Everyone's too busy gettin' pumped for the big celebraish.

09:25 AM
Might round up Ken & Vernon and head to Chili's for a "gents only" lunch. Could be our own little Christmas tradish!

09:33 AM
We 3 Kings are off to Chili's! Ha! Just made that up. Bold holiday flavors, top shelf margs for the celebraish. The works. Super pumped!

09:35 AM
Pretty sure if Jesus was born in modern times, the 3 Wisemen would have brought The Christ Child some Chili's to Go, you guys.

Sat Dec 10 2011

12:03 AM
Just woke up at home. Found a $179 receipt from Chili's in my billfold. Don't remember anything after going to Chili's. Worried, you guys.

10:55 AM
Called Ken and Vernon. No answers. Bet they're still hurtin'. We musta really rocked it at Chili's. What a great start to the tradish.

10:59 AM
Bet every year, when The Gents Only Holiday Chili's Crew walks in Chili's, they'll say, uh oh, here comes the fellas from Bad Boy City, USA.

11:00 AM
Chili's should have a wall of fame. A pic of me, Ken, and Vernon with the $170 tab would let everyone know we are not to be messed with.

Sun Dec 11 2011

12:52 PM
Decided to get loose at Wild Spurs last night with Dave. My treat. Had a blast. Got turned on to that new jam, Country Girl Shake It For Me.

12:54 PM
It's pretty much a rockin' party jam that turns the party out & makes the gals go wild. Don't care who you are, Country Girl is a feel good.

12:57 PM
When Country Girl came on, Dave started doin this dance he calls, "The Peener." Pure pelvic thrusts. Really wild and carnal, you guys.

12:58 PM
When Dave does "The Peener," it's time to clear off the dance floor, 'cause when he's on, he's pretty much the dirtiest player in the game.

01:02 PM
Country Girl, shake it for me, girl. Shake it for me, you guys.

01:04 PM
Dave was on fire. He made a deep tongue kiss to some overweight babe. Told him it's cool, mouths are all the same. Real proud of him.

01:11 PM
As time goes by, for the most part, you only regret the things you DIDN'T do. Life is nothin without stories to tell the next day, you guys.

01:56 PM
Feel like me and Dave should do a cover of this. Have him doin' "The Peener." Could be a sensation on the internet. http://t.co/OFgyg3Nl

Mon Dec 12 2011

12:48 PM
Ken & Vernon are actin weird today. Wonder what went down at Chili's on Friday? Maybe they did somethin embarrassing after I blacked out.

12:51 PM
Gonna go hang out by Vernon. See if I can get the scoop. When you need the 411, it's best to ask a soul brother with his ear to the streets.

02:16 PM
Vernon said I was really wildin out at Chili's & he don't even know about me anymore. Guess I ordered a bunch of shots. Startin to remember.

02:19 PM
Vernon & Ken didn't want any shots, so I said, "more for me." Vernon said I did 6 before the food came, then took down a few margs.

02:23 PM
Ken ordered the "Quesadilla Explosion Salad." Vernon said I started "makin' some nastyass bathroom jokes" about it. You kinda have to.

02:25 PM
Chili's Quesadilla Explosion Salad makes you have to take a Quesadilla Explosion Salad afterwards. Told Vernon it was just real talk.

02:33 PM
Guess Ken got steamed & left. Vernon said I followed Ken out to his car makin BM sounds at him. He almost ran me over cause I wouldn't move.

02:37 PM
Vernon told me I said I was glad Ken left so we could have a "guy to guy." He said "you got it all wrong, I ain't on the DL." Disabled list?

02:40 PM
Guess I got steamed at Vernon for not getting ribs. He said I kept going on about "bold soul tastes" and knocked my plate on the ground.

02:43 PM
Vernon said I ordered 2 more orders of ribs & had 3 shots while I waited. He had to get back to work when I tried to show him "The Peener."

02:44 PM
V-Dog said I never made it back to work. When Nosey Lady asked where I was, he told her he didn't know. She said "I don't care anyway."

02:47 PM
Kinda remember still being at Chili's by myself. Think I went up to some tables and tried to show them "The Peener" too.

02:49 PM
Everyone better hold onto their hats, 'cause in no time, The Peener is gonna be the new dance craze that's sweepin the nation, you guys.

03:01 PM
Dave invented The Peener a few years ago. But now it seems the time is right. Society is more open minded to carnal dance crazes.

03:03 PM
Relieved that Vernon gave me the 411. Sounds like we had a blast! I really rocked it, bad boy style.

03:08 PM
I don't always black out at Chili's, but why even go at all if you're not going to at least try? Especially during the bold holiday season.

Tue Dec 13 2011

11:18 AM
The Kid Rock Triple D episode was so money! Watched it 5 times. Wonder what the ratings were? Probably bigger than "Who Shot J.R.?"

11:21 AM
Looks like Kid Rock is really kickin' up some bold flavors in Clarkston, MI. Gonna have to make a trip. Maybe hang with the American Badass.

11:49 AM
Kid Rock hangin' with Guy Fieri on Triple D is such a television milestone. Like when Stevie Wonder was jammin' on the 1 with the Cosbys.

12:35 PM
I really think me and Kid Rock could really hit it off. Right off the bat, we could compare rockin' pony adventures. Then, who knows?

12:44 PM
Kid Rock is into cold ones, chest beefers, bold flavors, turnin' the party out & rockin' ponys. We're like brothers from another, you guys.

12:52 PM
Maybe I should invite Guy & The Triple D crew to see how we do things bold around MY parts. Have him bring Kid Rock. It'd be such a blast.

01:08 PM
There's other Chili's, but I think the Flint location really has somethin' special. Feels like a neighborhood joint. Real down home cookin'.

Wed Dec 14 2011

12:14 PM
Might have to start droppin' some hints for the big Secret Santa celebraish. Don't want some crap like the 3D puzzle I gave last year.

12:21 PM
If you don't ask for what you really want for Christmas, what you're really asking for is something to fill up your trash can, you guys.

12:24 PM
Gonna send out my wish list around work. Nothin wrong with a few "hints." Make it sound like we should all "share 'em for holiday fun."

12:38 PM
Ol' Karl's been a good boy this year! Think my wish list rocks, you guys. http://t.co/7R5qvBnr

Thu Dec 15 2011

09:54 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

08:20 PM
Had to work all day at work so we're caught up for the extra time off. It's not time off if ya just do double work another time! So steamed.

08:22 PM
Makin people work extra hard around the holidays is a sin. It's like spittin in the baby Jesus' lil' face at his b-day celebraish, you guys.

08:24 PM
Gettin' bombed tonight. Sometimes it's better to be hungover for a hard day. Gives you somethin' to think about other than killin' someone.

08:24 PM
Cold ones, take me away, you guys.

Fri Dec 16 2011

12:05 AM
wOW,. gonn b3 so hungovre tomroow you gulsy!

12:09 AM
whe n youthink aout itj, youcant;t makea bm and baraf at tthe sma time. rarlly makse youy think,

12:27 AM
cant' spel; rockn roll withot 'edie van halem" ssp badasas

12:29 AM
suck it.

10:07 AM
"All I want for Chrisss-muss, is Fridaaaay!!!" Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

10:13 AM
Can't stop daydreamin' about the floor in the john. Must be so nice and cold for a snooze. Really over did it. Happens around the holidays.

10:18 AM
Funny how when I'm hungover and want to die, if I had the choice, I'd still pick life. Survival of the fittest I guess.

10:34 AM
Unless you screwed up in life & have to work at Wendy's or Sherwin Williams or some crap, you shouldn't have to do anything but party today.

10:43 AM
Any boss who wants you to do work today needs a big steamy Xmas BM on their chair. That's just a fact. Gotta stand up to those sick animals.

10:43 AM
Screw this, I'm goin' to sleep next to the toilet. Close the stall door. Really settle down for a long Christmas nap. It's a tradish.

01:34 PM
Really conked out on the john floor. Needed the zzz's. Dreamt I was Kirk Gibson, fist pumpin' around the bases. Such a champion.

01:40 PM
I bet Kirk Gibson only has dreams about being Kirk Gibson. Can't really beat just bein' Gibby, you guys.

Sat Dec 17 2011

02:01 AM
scrwew this crap. I'll stay up ast ate i want in cold one dity. i do what i want. its the goddanm holidays you fuys.

02:47 AM
It ain't easy, lvin free: AcDCv.

02:55 AM
ITSA LONG WAY TO THE TOPPIF YOU W ANNA ROCL N ARROLL

01:15 PM
Looks like I ripped the door off the microwave last night. Found it on the floor with a note to myself that says, "ACDC Microwave to Hell."

01:19 PM
Think I had an idea where microwaves didn't have doors and AC/DC was on the infomercial. Not THAT stupid I guess. Could be a hit.

01:26 PM
Don't feel well. Gonna go snooze in my car where it's cool & so, so quiet. Watch the snow come down. To sleep, perchance to dream, you guys.

05:33 PM
Gonna put on Bruce's "The Rising" and try to figure it all out. Talk to me, Boss. Talk to me too, cold ones.

05:58 PM
Whether it's AIDS, a major terrorist attack, or why you ripped off the microwave door in a drunk blackout, Bruce Springsteen has the answer.

06:01 PM
Why don't we just make Bob Seger and Bruce Springsteen the prez and vp? Only question is who would be what. The USA would be so beautiful.

06:36 PM
Ann always said Oprah should be president. So stupid. The economy would be so screwed with her giving away free cars and pjs and crap.

09:11 PM
Born to run, against the wind. -Springsteen/Seger 2012. Let's put America back in the White House, you guys.

09:50 PM
Who knows America more than Bruce Springsteen and Bob Seger?! It sure as shit ain't no corncob like Newt Romney, you guys.

11:37 PM
Told Dave I could drive the 'Bring a thousand miles an hour into a volcano full of America still be the USA. A-hole thinks I'm wrong.

11:39 PM
Come on up for The Rising, you guys. Please, come up for The Rising. Let's not let the USA go in the toilet. -Springsteen/Seger, 2012.

11:40 PM
So sick of this crap with the USA. Let's roll, you guys. Never forget. -Springsteen/Seger 2012.

Sun Dec 18 2011

12:44 AM
Pabst. Blue. Ribbon. Let's make Christmas a special moment for carnal and family relations. For life. Let's be together, USA.

01:49 PM
Dave just made an 8 egg omelette. Great. Can't wait for his pooter to fall out like a stillborn baby cow. Dave's so rank, you guys.

02:55 PM
Great. Egg farts all ready happening. The pad smells like a hot diaper in some foreign country. No wonder we can't have babes over.

03:23 PM
Guess I called Jody last night. She just rang back. Said to not do that anymore. Called me a "psychopath." Ha! She wants me back. So bad.

03:26 PM
Playing hard to get with insults to a babe is a 2 way street. Gonna call Jody. Tell her she's the Butt Police of Asstown. So carnal.

03:34 PM
Jody didn't pick up. Left her a message. "You're the Butt Police of Asstown. Let's get erotic soon. You want my beef." Think I nailed it.

03:56 PM
If anyone has a problem with me drinkin' cold ones and tryin' to have a goddamn Sunday, they can kiss my peener, you guys.

03:58 PM
Sundays are pretty much a once a week celebraish. It's the Christian weekly time to unwind and drink a thousand beers. Peace be with you.

04:06 PM
Made a DiGiorno pizza & cut it into chunks, tossed with ranch. Call it a Pizzasalad. Might hit up Cain Train about it. Really on point.

04:07 PM
I'm the greatest of all time. Forever and ever, you guys.

04:09 PM
YOU DON'T LIKE THE PRESTIGE! YOU DON'T LIKE THE NOTORIETY! I GOT LIFE, PRETTY MUCH THE WAY I WANT IT, you guys.

04:10 PM
WOOOOOO!!!!

04:17 PM
Just found out that Ric Flair's not dead through the interet. Gonna crank up this celebraish like never before. WOOOO!!!

04:26 PM
GO LIONS! Suck it, you low class Oakland animals. Gonna go take an Al Davis. (that means crap. in my toilet.) Ha!

04:29 PM
Puttin' Stranglehold on repeat. Me and Dave are doin' the peener. Such a great day. So friggin' pumped. Crankin' up the celebraish!

04:35 PM
If you don't like how I live MY life, then FUCK YOU. Stranglehold motherfuckers. STRANGLEHOLD.

04:43 PM
Me and Dave are goin' on the roof. Really scream at the sky. Let everyone know the Lions are #1.

Mon Dec 19 2011

12:58 AM
Heard Kim bought the farm. Ha! Good riddance you short, worthless idiot. The USA rules. Ha! Enjoy hell, shitface. What a loser, you guys.

01:06 AM
I hope there's a special hell for evil Orientals like Kim Jong Il. Really let him fry in eternity in some wok forever. Piece of garbage.

01:09 AM
I know some Orientals. Good people. They crave bold flavors. But Kim Jong Il was a horrible human being. Let's all have a celebraish!

01:16 AM
I COULD go to sleep. Or I COULD keep rockin all night long. Let's roll, USA -Springteen/Seger 2021.

11:11 AM
Going to lay down in the john. Feel just awful. Death would be a welcome warm blanket right now, you guys.

01:52 PM
I drink so much on Sundays cause I have to go to work on Monday. I'M not the problem. If I need to sleep by the toilet for 2 hrs I'll do it.

01:53 PM
So sick of this.

08:04 PM
After a bad day, nothin takes the edge off like a few cold ones and a Triple D marathon. My main man Guy is so on point for cheerin you up.

Tue Dec 20 2011

12:27 PM
Guess we're supposed to have the big Secret Santa celebraish tomorrow. Still don't know what to get Nosey Lady. Maybe 7-11 nachos?

01:37 PM
Might get this for Nosey Lady: http://t.co/flqKsSnQ Really let that stinkbag know how I operate.

02:14 PM
When it's supposed to be a $20 gift, and you get it on sale for 10, but it WAS $20 before, it really puts the "secret" into "Secret Santa."

04:00 PM
Can't decide what's a more insulting size to get Nosey Lady's shirt in. S or XL? Both are a solid burn, you guys.

Wed Dec 21 2011

10:51 AM
Really gearin up for the big Secret Santa celebraish. Only took down 6 Mango Habs for Wing Wednesday. Gotta take advantage of the free eats.

10:55 AM
Wrapped Nosey Lady's gift in toilet paper. Ha! Not used TP though. It's important to show some class when insulting someone, you guys.

11:29 AM
Just took a sneak peak in the kitchen. Tons of goodies. No shrimp though. What's a holiday party without shrimp? Pretty steamed.

11:43 AM
Gonna run to Kroger. Get my own personal shrimp platter. It's gonna rock. Show everyone how I roll. Too bad, so sad, for everyone else.

12:48 PM
Got a bottle of Crown to go with my shrimp platter. Work only sprang for beer & wine. Hard booze holidays. That's my policy.

12:51 PM
Pumped for the celebraish to start! When I walk into the party with my Crown and shrimp platter like a Christmas King, everyone'll go nuts.

12:54 PM
Writin' my name on the platter. "KARL'S SHRIMP." Don't need any freeloaders thinkin it's part of the spread. People are so cheap.

01:00 PM
Goin in the john with my Crown for some pregame sippers. Grunt out a BM premie. Doodoo free + a buzz = how to show up for a celebraish.

01:39 PM
Secret Santa Celebraish 2011. Let's roll, you guys. Time to show work how the Christmas King from Bad Boy City, USA rocks the party!

Thu Dec 22 2011

10:55 AM
Got a mean buzz on before the Secret Santa celebraish. The premie took longer to grunt out than expected. Thought the Crown would relax me.

10:56 AM
Went to get my shrimp platter so I could make a rockstar entrance with that & my Crown. Someone already put in out for EVERYONE. So steamed.

10:58 AM
MY shrimp platter said "KARL'S SHRIMP" on it. It wasn't for EVERYONE. MAYBE VIP homies like Vernon, but that's it. Half were already gone.

11:00 AM
Started asking everyone if they ate some of my shrimp and if they did to cough up some bread. No one fessed up. IT DIDN'T JUST DISAPPEAR!

11:04 AM
Started hoardin a bunch of goodies, sneakin 'em out to my car. No cash for my shrimp? I have to make things even. Fair's fair.

11:19 AM
The only thing more insulting than stealin' another man's shrimp around the holidays is havin' carnal passions with his wife, you guys.

11:35 AM
Was puttin a cheeseball in my car when Nosey Lady opened her shirt. Guess she LOVED it & said it was the right size. It was a SMALL! Liar!

11:38 AM
I got Nosey that small to show everyone the truth about her bein a sow. Told her to try it on. Said she was saving it for a special...

11:40 AM
...occasion. Like she has anything to do but watch tv and cry about being alone into some Breyer's. The work party IS special. So insulting.

02:26 PM
Don't even wanna talk about what my Secret Santa gift was. Some a-hole got me a XXXL tee and some BK napkins. I KNOW what that means.

02:29 PM
XXXL means "Hey tubs, Merry Christmas, slob!" and BK napkins mean, "go take another crap behind the dumpster!" It was an accident. So cruel.

02:39 PM
Had to save face, so I challenged everyone to a "Chug The Crown & Do The Peener" contest." A test bold booze enjoyment & carnal body moves.

02:51 PM
No one wanted to take part in my "Chug The Crown & Do The Peener" contest. They'll be sorry next year when it's sweepin' the nation.

02:53 PM
When I was chuggin' the Crown & doin' The Peener, some people got out their phones for pics. Felt like a rockstar so I went extra hard.

03:04 PM
Really pulled my back goin too hard on The Peener. Crashed into the snack buffet. Burned my stomach on a Crock Pot. Kinda badass.

03:16 PM
Got lil' smokey BBQ sauce all over my shirt. Just the price of the bold bad boy lifestyle. Had to change into the XXXL tee. Zero sex appeal.

03:24 PM
Took off the XXXL tee and tore the sleeves off. Let everyone see a REAL bod that doesn't NEED XXXL. Had to look good for Chili's after.

03:27 PM
Guess I dropped my wallet in the Crock Pot crash so I sat in the 'Bring at Chili's and finished my Crown. Almost as good as bein inside.

03:30 PM
Whether you're poundin whisky in the parking lot by yourself, or actually sittin in the bar, Chili's just always feels right, you guys.

03:55 PM
Really lookin' forward to the holiday weekend, you guys.

Fri Dec 23 2011

01:06 PM
Wonder what's on tap for the big celebraish? Might have to head out to shop soon. There's still plenty of time to get great gifts at Kohl's.

01:09 PM
Gonna see what's up with Ann & the kids. Should see the fam at Christmas. Not ideal, but gives 'em a thrill when Santa Karl goes big.

01:10 PM
When it comes to gifts, I have it down. Always get people what YOU think they should get. Not what THEY want. Makes 'em a better person.

01:15 PM
Gonna have few cold ones before headin to Kohl's. Helps you deal with all those rude sows fightin for deals. Gotta burn 'em down right away.

01:18 PM
Kohl's should sell shoppin' brewskis called "Kohl Ones." Maybe put in a bar for guys called "Kohl One City." It'd save relationships.

07:27 PM
Talked to the manager at Kohl's about "Kohl One City." Didn't get it. Idiot. Had to get in his face. He asked if I was drunk. So rude.

07:29 PM
The Kohl's manager said he was too busy to hear my idea. I said, "What? Managing KOHL'S? It's a cake job for dropouts!" No vision loser.

07:30 PM
The Kohl's manager tried to walk away, so I did the arm block and said, "Listen, buddy..." People know you mean biz when you say that.

07:32 PM
So, I said, "Listen buddy, Kohl One City is a million dollar idea. Don't force me to go to corporate. You'll be managin a Payless, corncob."

07:34 PM
Security escorted me out of Kohl's. I wasn't kicked out. It's different. I was in the right. The security guard looked embarrassed for him.

07:36 PM
Gonna have to go back tomorrow. Hope that joker Kohl's manager isn't there. Don't wanna have to show him my moves if it comes to it.

07:38 PM
Just because it's the holidays, doesn't mean prosperity should come to a halt. Kohl's need a goddamn bar RIGHT NOW, you guys.

Sat Dec 24 2011

12:12 PM
Almost outta cold ones & eats. Don't know what's goin' down tomorrow, but it's gotta be big! Gonna head to Kohl's in a few, then stock up.

12:15 PM
Bringin' my sixer cooler to Kohl's. It'll just look like a "man bag." Very European, you guys. Classy, but with it's own lil' secret. (Shh)

12:18 PM
Around the holidays, you gotta be enjoyin' responsibly around the clock. Nobody likes a "Sober-Scrooge." Makes everyone else look bad.

02:08 PM
Just got back from Kohl's. Real disaster. Forgot my wallet fell out of my pants in the Crock Pot crash. Only have $3 left in my pocket.

02:09 PM
Had a nice gift spread too. Was all buzzed from my Euro man bag cold ones, so I was feelin' generous. Shoppin's better with a buzz.

02:12 PM
Told the cashier I'd come back with a check. She got that corncob manager. Told me I need an ID to use a check. So steamed.

02:14 PM
Kohl's manager offered to call a shelter for me in the spirit of Christmas. Then called me "brother." I'm not a homeless black, idiot! AHHH!

02:21 PM
Asked Dave if I could borrow some cash. Said he only has a 20 to last him for the weekend. He's such a lowlife. I should just take it.

02:30 PM
Go Lions I guess. Kinda bummed. Down to 2 cold ones. Gonna max out my $3 & change on Steel Reserve, then figure it out, Man vs. Wild style.

04:30 PM
BIG WIN FOR THE LIONS! Makes this Steel Reserve go down SO smooth. Well, smoother. It's not really that smooth. But definitely smoother.

04:55 PM
Dave just put a DiGiorno in the oven. Oh yeeaah. Time to get the celebraish rockin! Sure am hungry. Might have to sneak a slice.

05:45 PM
I'm down to a Lil' Debbie Oatmeal Cream, a frozen Tina's Bean Bureet, half a Steel, and half a can a Chunky left.

05:47 PM
Dave's hoggin' the whole DiGiorno. Folded in it half. Says it's how they do it NYC and won't share. So steamed.

05:48 PM
Gonna see what I can whip up with the Chunky, Tina's, and Lil Debbie. It'll be just like on Chopped! Maybe I could submit to be on it.

08:12 PM
Well, my Tina's Burreet with Chunky Soup Sauce & Lil Debbie Oatmeal Cream Crumble was perty tasty. Suck it Dave you heartless sow!

08:35 PM
Ann's not returning my calls. Probably busy gettin ready for the big celebraish. We'll just hook up tomorrow I guess.

08:38 PM
Fishin Dave's DiGiorno crusts out of the trash. It's a sin to be wasteful on Christmas Eve with all the starving people, is all. WWJD?

08:43 PM
I'd personally never eat out of the trash. I have class. But it's a holiday. Helping the poor is basically a gift to the baby Jesus.

08:48 PM
Hittin' the sack. Figure it out tomorrow. Still plenty of time for great gifts. May visions of bold flavors, dance in your heads, you guys.

Sun Dec 25 2011

10:03 AM
Merry Christmas, you guys.

10:33 AM
Might head down to the soup kitchen. See if they need a hand, and maybe get a bite for myself. Really take 'em to Flavortown.

Mon Dec 26 2011

11:30 AM
Had a blast at the soup kitchen yesterday, you guys. They already had enough hands on deck, so I just got to hang out. What a celebraish!

11:34 AM
I brought a bunch of my own hot sauces, condiments, and special seasonings. It made that soup kitchen grub off the chain!

11:40 AM
Told the soup kitchen director, let's guy to guy about the next celebraish. Make it Bold City! Told me I should get an evaluation. It's on!

11:43 AM
Soup kitchen director gave me an OFFICIAL government address to go "talk to someone." Sounds hush hush. Philanthropy is serious biz.

11:51 AM
Was rappin' with a soul brother from the streets named Peanut when I remembered my trunk liquor. He said he couldn't drink but I insisted.

11:56 AM
Even if you're "not supposed to drink." It don't count on holidays. Life is short, drown your sorrow, drink today, not tomorrow. From "AA."

12:57 PM
Ann never called back yesterday. Whatever. Dave ditched me to go somewhere. Whatever. Me and Peanut kept it trunk liquor rockin at the pad.

01:00 PM
Peanut kept talkin' about "not wantin to live no more." Looks like I was his angel. Just kept feedin' him shots. They're good for the soul.

01:02 PM
Peanut said, "he been around the way for a minute and ain't no good on the horizon." He talks SO cool. Kinda like John Fogerty.

01:06 PM
When Peanut passed out & wet himself he looked peaceful like a baby. Felt like I truly did something GOOD this Christmas. Hallelujah to God.

01:08 PM
This morning before I left, I told Peanut he could stay as long as it takes to get on his feet. I really feel a calling, you guys.

01:09 PM
I think I finally know what Kid Rock meant when he said, "I'm a rock 'n roll Jesus." Gonna really shove my philanthropy in some faces.

08:30 PM
Peanut sure is a handful. Keeps askin' "where my liquor at?" He drank it all! Ha! Told him we try to just have cold ones during the week.

08:32 PM
Peanut just crashed into the knick knack table in Dave's room. Starting yelling at it. Oh that Peanut. He's just crabby 'cause he's sleepy.

08:34 PM
Wonder where Dave is? Can't wait to introduce him to our new friend. Peanut just needs some love and he'll be on his feet in no time.

08:38 PM
There he goes. Passed out on Dave's floor. Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight noises everywhere, like Peanut screaming at the wall.

08:40 PM
Goodnight Peanut. May God's blessed hand guide your slumber to peaceful rest. Hope he doesn't crap himself. Gonna hit the sack too.

Tue Dec 27 2011

11:38 AM
Dave called all freaked out. Said he went in the pad & there was a homeless guy on the floor. Told him it's cool, he's not homeless anymore.

11:40 AM
Told Dave, havin' a real degenerate in the house could really teach us alot about ourselves, and how to give back when we're so blessed.

11:42 AM
Dave said he wants Peanut out of the pad NOW. No way. He's my man. Told Dave to just put him in the john 'til I come home to talk about it.

11:44 AM
Wakin up and seein a degenerate drunk hobo every morning is so money. Makes everyday a celebraish for how well you've got it together.

01:17 PM
Think I'm gonna treat Dave & Peanut to a nice family supper at Chili's. Bold flavors, laughs, top shelf margs. It'll be a good ice breaker.

01:18 PM
I wonder if Peanut's ever even HAD Chili's before? Man, I hope I don't blow his mind and ruin the soup kitchen grub for him forever.

01:20 PM
WWJD around the holidays? Probably take a homeless guy out for Chili's. Maybe turn the dumpster grub into new grub for all poors to enjoy.

Wed Dec 28 2011

12:09 PM
Family supper a Chili's with Peanut & Dave was a disaster. Really steamed at those guys.

12:11 PM
The Chili's manager wouldn't let me in 'cause "I thrusted my genitalia at customers on my last visit." I was showin' 'em The Peener!

12:13 PM
Chili's manager said I'm not allowed back at the restaurant for a month. Really bummed. Banned for a whole month for DANCING? So stupid.

12:19 PM
Carnal erotic dances & southwest flavors go hand in hand. The Lambada is fake doin' the nasty! The Peener goes hand in hand with Chili's.

12:21 PM
Dave said 'cause I promised to treat him and Peanut to supper, I still had to pay and wait outside 'cause he blocked off his evening for it.

12:30 PM
What did Dave have to block off his evening for? Pickin' your ass and eatin' Cool Ranch Doreets isn't really somethin that needs scheduling.

12:49 PM
Dave & Peanut were in Chili's for 2 1/2 hours. Rang up a $120 tab on my card. Were so blasted they could hardly get in the car. So childish.

12:51 PM
On the way home, I had to pull over twice for Peanut to barf his guts out. Guess he's not used to "people food." Made him sleep in the tub.

12:54 PM
Think Peanut is a bad influence on Dave. Took the day off today. That's a 1st step to bein' a street animal with no friend but the bottle.

12:57 PM
Sure I had 3 cold ones at lunch, but that was on my break from WORK for DubDub. It's not a problem if you still get the job done, you guys.

01:13 PM
Might have a one man intervention for Dave & Peanut tonight. They have to learn that cold ones & top shelf margs are EARNED privileges.

01:14 PM
If you don't have a job that makes you want to kill yourself, you don't deserve to drink until you want to die, you guys.

Thu Dec 29 2011

12:30 PM
Really lookin' forward to the NYE weekend celebraish, you guys.

12:32 PM
Think the intervention with Dave and Peanut was a success. Afterwards, we all took down about a thousand beers and really talked it out.

12:34 PM
There's no good way to have an honest intervention without some cold ones. Makes it loose and conversational. It's more productive.

12:51 PM
After we got sauced, Peanut called Dave, my "n-word." I'm kinda jealous. I thought I was Peanut's "n-word?" I should at least be first.

12:53 PM
When a black calls you the "n-word," it's like a right of passage into the magical soul brother kingdom, draped in purple velvet and gold.

01:16 PM
Told Peanut and Dave we'd make it through the New Year, then really get on track. Only fair to have one last celebraish for the ages.

01:20 PM
Taught Peanut how to do The Peener last night. Man, he just knocks it outta the park. Puts a little James Brown stank on it. OOOO-WEE!

01:22 PM
That intervention really took it outta me. Feel like a Flint sewer. Gonna go catch some z's on the toilet. I earned it with my philanthropy.

01:34 PM
Remember Velvet Jones? Ha! Reminds me of Peanut if he really got his act together. Might dig it up to show him everything he could be.

Fri Dec 30 2011

12:31 PM
Should cold one 'quaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should cold one 'quaintance be forgot, on old dang Fri!? (Happy Friday!)

12:33 PM
Workin' on my 2012 resolutions. It's kinda hard when I got life, pretty much the way I want it. WOOO!

Sat Dec 31 2011

10:44 AM
Super pumped for the big 2012 celebraish. Dave said the world's supposed to end. He's such a donkey kicked corncob. "I'm Dave! Durrrrr..."

10:46 AM
Sure Dave, the world's gonna end 'cause some caveman mexicans figured it out with their sticks & rocks math 20,000 years ago. So stupid.

10:50 AM
Alot of religious people think the world's gonna end. They're only religious 'cause they're poor. And poors like to find the easy way out.

10:53 AM
I don't need a dingbat priest to tell me what's right & wrong or when I'm gonna die. When the Big Man needs me up stairs, he'll let me know.

10:56 AM
Besides, if the world went down in 2012, we'd all keep rockin' in the USA in the sky. In heaven, it's ice cold dollar drafts EVERY night.

11:04 AM
Lotta rich people pretend to be religious, but it's just a guilty cover up for cheatin, stealin, or touchin young peeners behind the scenes.

11:22 AM
When rich people use God or the USA to hurt poors, the weak, or kids, we should let The Nuge hunt 'em down with a compound bow for charity.

11:25 AM
Rich child molesters might think twice if they knew they'd have to answer to Ted Nugent shootin an arrow through their skull, you guys.

11:32 AM
Told Dave & Peanut we should get a Hummer limo, tuxes, the works. Do it right. Hit ALL the hot spots & take it to the limit, one more time.

03:25 PM
If you can't turn a blind eye to couple of your pals with drinkin' problems gettin' blackout drunk on NYE, you're just a celebraish hog.

03:28 PM
I'm gonna make sure Dave and Peanut get so wasted they don't ever want to again. Start the year off right. That's what good friends do.

04:34 PM
Me & Dave think Seger's Shakedown is the best song to do The Peener to. Peanut keeps telln' us to put on "Big Ol Butt." Don't know that one.

04:59 PM
Peanut wouldn't shut up about it not bein NYE without Big Ol Butt. Found it for him. He's REALLY into this. http://t.co/fV74QnJ2

05:00 PM
Told Peanut I like a righteous stinker as much as the next guy but I just can't watch that LL Cool J buffoon anymore. He's pretty steamed.

05:03 PM
Great, Peanut just spilled Cold Duck all over his tux & Dave can't get his tie on. Don't have time for this childish crap. Need a bm break.

05:32 PM
Alright. Made sure the boys both grunted out premies. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now. NYE 2012. Let's roll, you guys.

05:34 PM
Or is it NYE 2011? Can never remember. Either way, USA, let's roll, you guys.