Wed Apr 14 2010
06:53 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend you guys.
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Compiled from Pete Keen's DadBoner Twitter Fiction Reader, itself compiled from Karl Welzein's @DadBoner Twitter feed.
11:35 AM
Might get the boat out this weekend if it's not too cold. We'll have to see.
11:56 AM
Ann says we should think about selling the boat because we didn't use it enough last year. BS!
11:57 AM
The only reason we didn't use it is because we have to go to some dumb friggin' birthday party every weekend!
05:46 PM
Just found an old Pam Anderson PB in the shed. Can't wait for Ann to go to Target.
05:50 PM
Ann just saw the charge for my new Calloway driver on the Visa statement. Tiger had is right, man. Women don't understand.
05:52 PM
Just finished 20 pushups. Still got it.
02:59 PM
Ann's mom was late for brunch this morning so I missed my tee time. I hate that cow.
03:01 PM
Anyone up for a few cold one's at Chili's? I'm really steamed and need to cool off. Can't believe I missed my friggin' tee time.
03:37 PM
Was super pumped for racquetball at the Y tomorrow. But I forgot about Jillian's recital. Monday already sucks a day early.
04:19 PM
My brother Al just said, "Ever take a crap so big your pants fit better?" HAHAHAHA! Just what I needed. Thanks bro.
12:36 PM
I'm sick of that mexican guy at Subway judging me when ask for ranch on my footlong meatball sandwich. This is AMERICA, Tito.
12:46 PM
I just took a crap so big MY pants fit better! God, that still kills me.
12:52 PM
Looks like they firewalled the Maxim website. I hate Mondays.
01:13 PM
Just found out everyone at work calls me "The Clogger" behind my back. Feelin' kinda down. It only happened once.
06:41 PM
Going to that dance recital instead of playing racquetball makes me wish I had my tubes tied. Today sucks.
12:15 PM
Someone opened their door into the Sebring when I was parked at 7-Eleven this morning. I just had it washed too. Super P.O.'d!
12:16 PM
And I just noticed I spilled mustard all over my shirt from my Breakfast Big Bite. I should just go home.
03:50 PM
Ann left the windows down on the Cherokee and it rained = 2 hrs with the wet dry vac tonight instead of Hooters with the guys. Sucks!
03:51 PM
I swear she did it on purpose. Sick of this.
05:25 PM
Ann "suprised" me with a pair of Sketchers Shape-Ups. They look like retard shoes. I'm a dead man if Al sees them.
06:03 PM
Found some old CostCo mozz sticks in the back of the freezer! F@ck. Yes.
06:07 PM
Ann says to throw them out because they're too old. So stupid. THEY'RE FROZEN! Why can't I ever have ANYTHING?
12:04 PM
Sorry I haven't been on for a few days. Ann caught me on Twitter in the garage and thought it was some porn site. Flipped out!
12:54 PM
Was already looking forward to the weekend. Supposed to shoot 18 on Saturday. Now Ann says we have shop for new jeans for me.
01:12 PM
She says I need "nice" jeans for the party at the Carlson's. Sounds like dork jeans to me.
04:19 PM
Thnkin' about tokin' one down in the shed after Ann goes to pilates tonight. Really hating her guts today.
04:25 PM
Hope there's still that roach in my golf bag from Al's bach party. I gotta mello out.
05:59 PM
Crap, I'm WAY too high. Ann is gonna know something's up. And I ate a whole pack of deli ham that was supposed to be for "lunches only."
06:01 PM
My son Chad just asked "what's wrong Daddy?" So ashamed. Gonna go cry in the downstairs bathroom.
06:40 PM
Yeah, like me sleeping on the family room sofa is punishment. We have Cinemax.
06:23 PM
Looks like Ann is going to parlay my little escapade yesterday into a Sandals vacay. Can't wait to see her in that old lady one piece. Puke.
06:27 PM
Plus that means no vacation days for a guys' Vegas trip this year. I really screwed up huge.
06:17 PM
Damn dog took a crap on the carpet this morning and I missed my tee time. Then I pulled my groin lifting the wet dry vac. Weekend is ruined.
06:18 PM
And I am NOT going to church tomorrow. I don't care what Ann says. Sick of this BS.
06:30 PM
People ask me why I don't talk about my kids. I have a son (mama's boy/cries all the time) and 2 daughters (who hate me). That's why.
06:32 PM
Going to water the backyard and drink a beer. So sick of everyone here.
06:50 PM
Yes Ann, going to your sister's for her disgusting homemade pizza is EXACTLY how I want to spend my Saturday night. Kill me.
06:53 PM
I work hard all week so we can have nice things like Papa John's. Just because her and Terry are broke doesn't mean I should have to suffer.
03:53 PM
We didn't have to go to church today because Ann said she was sick. What a big fat faker. When I'm "sick" she calls it "lying."
03:57 PM
She's in the bathroom making all these fake barf sounds. So gross. No I will NOT get you some water. Some FAKE water maybe.
05:36 PM
What an awful Monday. Time to kick back in the ol' recliner with a cold beer...what the...GODDAMNIT NO ONE CLEANED UP THIS DOG PUKE?!!
08:20 PM
Watching "Something's Gotta Give" on Blu-Ray is NOT what I bought the Blu-Ray player for. That Die Hard 2 disc is going to waste.
03:46 PM
I burned the steaks and none of the stuff I bought Ann on Amazon came on time. I'm in doghouse city.
03:48 PM
She keeps going into the bathroom and fake crying. GODDAMNIT I TRIED MY BEST, GIMME A BREAK!
03:50 PM
Ann just left to go "somewhere she's appreciated." I hope Kohl's is still open.
12:08 PM
Supposed to meet Ann at Panda Express after work to "talk things over." Great. 2 things at once that give me diarrhea.
06:00 PM
Dinner with Ann was a disaster. Spilled orange chicken on my favorite Chaps polo. And looks like we're gonna work things out.
03:52 PM
Free Quiznos lunch at work today. Really over did it. Had 2 Chicken Carbonara subs. Now everyone's calling me "Carbo." So embarrassed.
03:56 PM
It's not like I ordered 2. There was an extra. What was I supposed to do, let it go to waste?! Sue me for caring about the environment.
04:18 PM
All that Quizno's is coming back to haunt me. But you know what I always say, "ain't much in this world a little cologne can't fix."
12:23 PM
Lost a button in the middle of my shirt and my stomach hair keeps sticking out. I gotta go to Kohl's on my break for a new shirt. Damnit!
12:27 PM
The cute new gal just caught me playing with my stomach hair and said, "gross." So much for her thinking I'm cool.
12:48 PM
I got this one: http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/graphictees/crossescrests/PRD~621125/Levis+All+Seeing+Tee.jsp Who's not cool now!?
01:03 PM
This shirt is so tight I can't breathe very well but it makes my arms look awesome! I think she noticed. Gonna do some pushups in the john.
06:14 PM
Got home from work and Ann's all, "What's with the new t-shirt, Slim? Hot date tonight?" Then started laughing her ass off!!!!!
06:18 PM
My daughters keep calling me a "situation" or something and laughing in their room. Don't know what it means but I'm sick of this crap.
06:22 PM
Now Ann's calling me "The Big Situation" and all of them went out on the deck they were laughing so hard.
06:27 PM
Screw this. Buncha bullcrap! Going to Chili's bar to cool off.
01:41 AM
jjust woke up in tje garage. so drunnkj from chlis. stuppid family assholes fuck fuck em assholes i do what i want fukin asshole!!!!!
11:20 AM
Don't remember last night AT ALL. But apparently I knocked the flat screen off the wall and now we only get channel 7.
11:24 AM
Ann said I put on some Allman Bros. really loud in the family room then tried to micro Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches still in the box.
11:28 AM
AND I bought cigarettes. Haven't smoked in 6 years. In pretty hot water with Ann and the kids.
02:00 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend you guys.
02:12 PM
Just ordered these bad boys: http://www.mauijim.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Product3_11601_10001_10162_-1_17619_17619_N__1__
02:32 PM
Ann doesn't need to know how much those cost. She doesn't know what Maui Jim's are anyway. She has bad taste.
02:34 PM
Plus, I need 'em for Sunday. Goin' to Comerica for the Tiger game with Al. Boston is going down! So pumped.
04:52 PM
Ann just "informed me" that we have my kid's family soccer team picnic on Sunday and that I never told her about the baseball game.
04:55 PM
This is such crap! She frickin' KNEW. Why do I have to go to the stupid picnic anyway? I never go to the stupid boring games.
05:01 PM
@willDavidian She had the 3rd biggest boobs at my high school. Now she says she has the 2nd biggest at our house. Sick of it.
06:27 PM
Ann says she would've let me go to the Tigers game if I wouldn't have made a "real clown" out of myself last night. Yeah right.
06:34 PM
Maybe I wouldn't act like such a clown if she didn't let the kids call me stuff like "Captain Pigout" at the dinner table!!!
06:36 PM
2 helpings of spaghetti is NOT "overdoing it." I'm eating in the family room from now on.
02:47 AM
Couldn't sleep. Watching channel 7. Thinking about ordering this "The Best of Soul Train" dvd collection.
12:15 PM
Lettin' us out early! Everyone's goin to Paddy McGee's at the Jewel for $2 24oz drafts!! Gotta take it easy though. Movie with Ann later.
12:15 PM
Friday Rocks!
09:09 PM
Just got back from Paddy McGee's. Forgot about movie date with Ann. She locked herself in the bedroom. I'm too hammered to care.
09:11 PM
Told her she should've just went without me. Like I have to sit next to her for her to enjoy a movie. So stupid.
09:12 PM
PLUS, it was a WORK outing! How does she think we pay for nice things like Netflix? With her eBay business? Total crap.
09:13 PM
I'm going back to the bar. Should've just stayed if she's gonna act like this. She's ruining my night.
09:17 PM
Actually, gonna drop a load first. Had the reuben at Paddy's. THEN back to the bar. Hope the cute new gal is still there.
12:44 PM
http://www.stylebyme.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/si_cover_feb_1999_kathy_ireland000x0419x568.jpg
12:45 PM
Just found a copy of that in my secret basement stash. Don't make 'em like that anymore. MMMM-HMMMM!!!
12:48 PM
Everyone follow @KathyIreland . TOTAL babe!!!
12:55 PM
Oh, guess who still says I can't go to the Tigers game tomorrow? Ann. Guess who's still going? Me.
12:59 PM
Ann said if I go, don't bother coming back. Fine, I WISH I could live at Comerica. Can't wait for pregame at Cheli's!!!! So pumped.
02:59 PM
Goin' back to Paddy's. RIGHT NOW. I doubt they have enough cold ones for me to celebrate havin' a chat with Kathy. Ann who?!!!
01:13 PM
Yesterday was a doozy. Me and Al didn't show up until the 3rd inning. Got lost on the way. Too many roadie G&Ts.
01:15 PM
15 minutes after we sat down, some scumbag Red Sox fan kicked Al in the back and spilled his nachos and beer all over his shorts.
02:27 PM
Ann said my kid cried at the soccer picnic because I was the only dad not there. And that's EXACTLY why I didn't go.
04:13 PM
I keep asking Ann if she's mad at me for going to the Tigers game yesterday and all she keeps saying is "No it's fine" with a fake smile.
04:15 PM
You know, that fake smile with the mean eyebrows. She's SO irritating. If she only knew how many gals were into my Maui Jim's yesterday.
04:17 PM
AND she's ticked off that I spent almost $400 at the game. Like I fine tooth comb every trip she makes to Target. Sick of this.
04:26 PM
PLUS, I spent some of that on t-shirts and caps for her and the kids that I forgot under my seat.Guess the thought doesn't REALLY count.
11:38 AM
Finally saw the Hangover last night. Man, I wish I wasn't stupid married. I'd party like that every night.
01:43 PM
Cute new gal's b-day at work today. Wore my sweet Levi's tee. Shrunk a little in the dryer but if I don't stand up straight it's fine.
04:28 PM
I have to go to another stupid dance recital tonight?! REALLY?! We JUST went to one. So boring AND they make me feel creepy.
04:51 PM
I don't understand why Ann says it's "gross" when I look at half naked women in Maxim but it's totally fine when they're underage.
04:52 PM
She's the "gross" one!
04:53 PM
That's it. Putting my foot down. I'm not going. I'll fake diarrhea or something. Fake "I have diarrhea" gets you out of anything.
04:55 PM
Work, church, family gatherings, doing it with your old grossout wife on your anniversary...ALWAYS fake diarrhea. Fool proof.
05:35 PM
Gonna save the diarrhea excuse for another day. Went with "stuck at work." Which is code for "stuck at the bar at Chili's."
09:07 AM
Hump day! Really lookin' forward to the weekend you guys.
09:12 AM
Feelin' good! Had a couple glasses of wine with lunch. Ann called me a drunk. It's EUROPEAN! She doesn't know anything.
09:19 AM
Just ordered this online: http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/cologne/onlyatkohls/PRD~c13405/Chaps+For+Men+Cologne+Collection.jsp
09:20 AM
I'm more European to wear cologne. Got to smell fresh!
09:25 AM
Have you tried the new Artisan breads at Quizno's? From Europe. Soooo good.
10:22 AM
Gettin' a little snoozy from that lunch wine. Time for a few sips outta the ol' flask. It's cool in Europe.
10:31 AM
Ever think about how diarrhea is just butt barf? Jeez Louise I'm sauced.
03:56 PM
Whoa. Just woke up in my car in the work parking lot. Went back in but everyone's gone for the day. Too much lunch wine and Wild Turkey.
06:29 PM
Came right home and crashed out on the couch. Ann called me a "lazy sow."
11:21 AM
Was in the john trying to multitask and change the battery in my Seiko. Dropped it in the toilet. Ann gave me it for our anniversary.
11:22 AM
Was already "done with my business" and couldn't grab it out. So I just flushed it. Gonna be in hot water when she notices it's missing.
11:37 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend you guys.
04:41 PM
Made reservations for me and Ann at Applebees for tomorrow night. She said, "Wowee Prince Charming, who said romance is dead?!"
04:43 PM
Then she started laughing SO hard she had to hang up the phone. Just trying to do something nice. Feelin' kinda down.
04:46 PM
Think I'm gonna to for a drive. Just wanna be alone for awhile.
04:47 PM
Sick of this.
06:49 PM
Got back from my drive. Everyone's glued to some Grey's Anatomy crap and didn't notice I was even gone. Guess I'll just go to bed.
06:50 PM
Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
06:52 PM
Oh good. There was a commercial break long enough for Ann to inform me that the family voted and I can only use the basement restroom now.
06:52 PM
SO SICK OF THIS CRAP!!!
12:33 PM
We were SUPPOSED to go to Applebees tonight. Alone. But now Ann invited the Carlson's! Can't stand Doug and Tina!
12:35 PM
I made those reservations so we could do something nice together, not listen to Doug talk about his back problems.
12:52 PM
Plus he's always telling Ann how "great she looks." Creeps me out. AND they both kiss hello on the lips.
12:56 PM
Leavin' work early with "diarrhea." Goin' to Paddy's for a few cold ones. Gonna need it to get through this dinner.
09:42 PM
Applebee's sucked my ass. Sorry to swear, but it sucked my ass.
09:45 PM
First, Doug told Ann her "fanny looks great." Then winked at me and said, "Eh, Karl?!" Should've socked his nose.
09:48 PM
Then, I ordered the Spinach Artichoke dip for MY appetizer and only got about half of it. Ann made me share MY appetizer!
09:50 PM
If Doug and Tina weren't so cheap they should've got their own! And of course they didn't chip in for it when the bill came.
09:56 PM
RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CARLSON'S, Ann tried to get me one of those "Under 550 Calories" meals because she thought I "overdid it" on the dip.
09:58 PM
Spinach and Artichoke dip are vegetables! Ann doesn't know anything about food that you just don't heat up.
10:05 PM
I got the Southwest Jalapeno "Realburger." Well done @Applebeeing. SO GOOD! Added on Chili Cheese Fries. Ann had a stupid salad. WEAK.
10:14 PM
For dessert, I ordered a double Blue Coconut Marg. Ann gave me some look, THEN got a Triple Chocolate Meltdown. Like she's better than me.
10:19 PM
The Carlson's only paid for their dinners, no tip, and they didn't get ANY drinks. They suck.
10:21 PM
Got into a pretty nasty screaming match with Ann on the way home. Like it's MY fault they suck. So drunk on Margs.
10:22 PM
Goin' on the deck for a cig. Sick of this crap!
01:23 PM
If Ann plays that Sheryl Crow/Kid Rock "Picture" song ONE MORE TIME I'm going to kill myself.
04:44 PM
Ann invited the Carleson's over for steaks tonight. JUST told me. What is the best kind of belt to hang myself in the the garage with?
04:45 PM
Oh, and guess who has to go to the store for steaks? Hint: It's not Ann or the Carlson's.
04:46 PM
And I was all settled on the couch watching Mecum Muscle Car Auctions. This Saturday is shot!
12:04 PM
Don't think we'll be having dinner with the Carlson's anytime soon. Guess I got blackout drunk on margs and gave Doug a piece of my mind.
12:05 PM
He said he like his steaks "well done," not "well DON'T". Then Ann started laughing hysterically. They were MEDIUM RARE!!!
12:07 PM
I said, "Well, DON'T come over anymore then you fat mooch! Stay home with your wife tied up in the yard where she belongs!"
12:09 PM
Tina started crying and ran out. Doug went after her. Now they won't take Ann's calls to apologize. Good. Riddance.
12:10 PM
Ann said she's so embarrassed she can't even look at me. Perfect. Maybe I can enjoy my Sunday now. I earned it after Friday and Saturday.
01:07 PM
She'd be the one in my spokes.
RT @TheDaniStew @DadBoner if Ann was a baseball card, what would she be?
04:23 PM
Ann finally heard back from Tina Carlson. Guess she got upset because she gained some weight from "medication." What is she on? Oreos?
12:05 AM
Just having some cold cuts for a snack.
10:56 AM
Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. Ann found out that I ate all the lunch cold cuts so she hid my laptop adapter. She makes no sense!
10:58 AM
Besides, I PAID for those cold cuts! I can have all I want. They're essentially MINE that I'm generous enough to GIVE to the kids.
11:00 AM
Ann asked for the checkbook to go to the store for more cold cuts. I told her I didn't know where it is and "it looks like a PB&J week."
11:03 AM
So to prove my point last night I ate all of the variety pack "lunches only" chips. AND the granola bars.
05:59 PM
Ann "accidentally" washed my Maui Jim's in the laundry! They're all bent and scratched. Really steamed!
06:00 PM
And how did they "accidentally" get in the washer?! They were in my sock drawer in their case! For the love of God why?!!!!
06:01 PM
She's a sick person. Doesn't want me to have anything! Ann's so jealous of me. It's disgusting.
06:03 PM
I called her out on the "accident" and she said, "Oh, like how you accidentally ate all the kids lunch chips and granola bars?"
06:04 PM
I PAID FOR THOSE AND I CAN EAT ANYTHING I FEEL LIKE ANYTIME I WANT TO!!!
06:08 PM
I don't care if we just had supper 2 hrs ago, I'm going to Wendy's for a Jr. Bacon and a Frosty. Why? Because I feel like it that's why!
01:10 AM
I think Ann just caught me trying to, um, relax myself to sleep. Can't be sure. Gonna play it cool and get back in bed.
11:36 AM
Hump day! Really lookin' forward to the weekend.
12:36 PM
Just ordered these!
http://www.onlineshoes.com/mens-rockport-joque-dark-brown-p_id174171?adtrack=gpa&term=Men%27s+Rockport+Joque&offer=
12:38 PM
Super pumped about the new Rockports! Might just have to get the boat out this weekend.
09:31 PM
Ann's all excited about Sex In The City 2. I don't get it. If she's so into the it why doesn't she try to get hotter like the blonde slut?
09:34 PM
I just said that to her in front of the kids. BIG mistake. Now we have to schedule a "talk" for tomorrow morning. Great.
09:35 PM
I asked her why we can't talk now and she said, "I can't even look at you. I'm going to bed."
09:36 PM
Samantha wouldn't do that. She'd bring me with her and take care of business downtown. Ann's such a hypocrite or whatever.
09:38 PM
Plus, the Sex In City gang would really get on her case about those clogs she lives in.
06:38 PM
@pricedout Ugh. Don't even wanna think about Chili's. Tonight was make your own taco night at the Welzein's. Really over did it.
06:40 PM
I just couldn't stop. They were going down so smooth. Took down 3 soft shells and 5 hard shells. Plus chips and guac. Can barely move.
06:42 PM
Ann says I'm "beached" on the couch. I said, "You're a beach!" Didn't fly very well.
06:43 PM
Ann wants me to help with the dishes. She's so lazy. Loading the dishwasher is not a 2 man job. That's why I bought it!!!
02:36 PM
FFFFFFFridaaaaaayyyy! I am outta here!!!!!!!!!!!
11:24 AM
Karl's cookin' Johnsonville braaats! Johnsonville Braaats! Johnsonville Braaats...
03:28 PM
Cut my hand pretty bad on Sunday. Needed stitches. Got some pain meds and Ann's been nursing me on the couch. I am MILKING this.
03:33 PM
Guess who's having homemade chili for supper? Me. In front of the tv. Watching WHATEVER I WANT!
04:28 PM
Ann says I can't drink a beer on my medication. One beer?! C'mon. 3 at the most.
05:05 PM
Ann had to run to the store to get milk for the morning. Brewski time!
06:16 PM
Jim Leyland should've shot that umpire. Super p.o.'d!
12:29 PM
Stayed up too late watching Tigers highlights over and over again on @ESPN. REally draggin' today.
12:31 PM
Was really lookin' forward to the weekend but had to cancel my tee time due to the hand injury. Might have to spend time with Ann. Yuck.
01:58 PM
Dunna Dunna Dunna, They Say it's your Friday! Dunna Dunna Dunna, Happy Friday To Ya!
02:01 PM
Ann is going to her sisters to watch movies tonight. I'm supposed to watch the kids. No problem. I'll be hammered.
02:02 PM
Super pumped for Ann to be gone tonight you guys. Gonna get some of those vortex Miller Lites.
02:03 PM
It makes it look like you're drinking a tornado! Really excited.
02:14 PM
Ann says I shouldn't drink while I watch the kids. She also says I shouldn't whiz behind the garage. Ann says alot of dumb crap.
01:24 PM
Friday night I polished off a 20 pk of those vortex Miller Lites and crashed. Ann came home and found the kids eating all the pizza rolls.
01:25 PM
She said, "It'd be best if I got a hotel room Saturday." Said I went to the Comfort Inn. Really stayed at Al's. Had a blast!
01:27 PM
We ripped through 3 more 20 pks. They go down so smooth! Grilled up some strips too. Yeah, real punishment, Ann.
01:31 PM
Came back this morning and she asked if "I learned my lesson." Got all puppy dog eyes on her and said, yes. She felt really bad.
01:31 PM
She thought I was gonna cry. I was really just hungover. She is such a sucker!
01:33 PM
The only lesson I learned is that those vortex Miller Lites rule!
01:49 PM
Why do I only have a great weekend when I'm kicked out of the house? Really makes you think. Time for some soul searching.
04:48 PM
Monday. Great. Ann's making us salad and baked skinless chicken breast for dinner. Great. My kid needs help with some project. Great.
04:50 PM
We're out of beer. Great. Ann said it's summer so we should have "no tv Monday's." Great. I never bought a gun to shoot myself. Great.
04:52 PM
We're supposed to go on a "family walk" after dinner. Great. Just GREAT! GREAT! GREAT!
11:26 AM
HUMP DAY FEVER! BRUH, NUH, NUH, NUHH! HUMP DAY FEVER! BRUH, NUH, NUH, NUUHHHHHH!!!
11:30 AM
Heading to BW-3's for lunch. Wing Wednesday! I just made it up!
06:03 PM
BW-3 Wednesday was a disaster. Ate way too much and had to go home sick. Just gettin' up and around. Trying to sip Pedialyte.
06:04 PM
Everytime Ann looks at me she just shakes her head. I was SICK! Not like it's my fault it was coming out both ends.
06:06 PM
Just heard Ann say to the kids, "That's why he's only allowed to use the spare bathroom." Now they're laughing. Really hurts ya'know?
06:08 PM
I told her how I took down almost 3 dozen wings. She said, "Am I supposed to be impressed?! Wow, real macho man! Go sit on your potty."
06:09 PM
I'm sure there's lots of women who'd be into that. She just doesn't get it. I'm going back to lie down. Feeling kind of spinny again.
02:09 PM
Friday: Was still kind of dehydrated and didn't feel too hot so I took the day off. Ann went to Target and I got bored so I drank a sixer.
02:23 PM
Ann came home and found me with my pants down and hunched over the tub. Walked in and said, "Oh, you piece of sh*t!", then she left.
02:26 PM
She didn't come back 'til late. When I asked her where she went she said, "I was at Shut Up Karl!" Then she locked herself in the bedroom.
02:28 PM
Saturday: Ann got up early and left again. Left a note that said to watch the kids. I dropped them off at Iron Man 2 and went to Paddy's.
02:29 PM
I was a little bit late picking them up because I was talking to Carly the bartender about how things are at home. They called Ann's cell.
02:31 PM
Ann went to pick them up. When I told her I was at Paddy's and was coming to get them right away, she said, "Don't bother, Karl. Have fun."
02:33 PM
So now she's doing this fake nice voice and making that crazy fake smile face. Just being kind of a jerk. Feelin' kinda lonely.
02:34 PM
I'm just sad I guess. I try my best. Weekend is ruined.
02:34 PM
Never thought I'd wish I was at work.
04:05 PM
Back's really hurtin' today. Slept on the couch. Heading home in a minute. Hope Ann's in a good mood and still not being a big bag o' bitch.
04:41 PM
Ann and the kids were gone when I got home. She left a note that they're "at Applebee's" like I should be jealous.
04:43 PM
Oh, poor me. Guess I'll just have to drink some beers on the deck and grill myself a few brats. Boo hoo.
04:44 PM
Oh what will I ever do without my WONDERFUL family to get on my case? I hope they just decide to live at Applebee's.
01:06 PM
Passed out on the deck last night. Woke up when the sprinklers came on at 5am. Can't believe Ann left me out there. Feel like crap today.
01:08 PM
They need to change "for better or for worse" to "for worser or for worsest." Sick of this.
12:14 PM
I've got Hump day fever! And the only prescription, is wing Wednesday lunch at BW-3s!
10:01 PM
Things aren't going so well at home. Just trying to lay low.
10:06 PM
The Carlson's were over for dinner on Friday and I guess I made a move on Tina in the kitchen. Ann knows. I'm screwed.
10:06 PM
I might need a break from the sauce.
05:43 PM
I got nothin'.
02:27 PM
Sorry guys. Been kinda out of the loop. Me and Ann were having some problems so I moved out. Crashin at my buddy Dave's place.
01:32 PM
Dave's ain't so bad. It's a little messy, but I sprang for cable and internet. Ann's being really cold. Had a blast on the 4th though!
11:54 AM
Haven't stopped by in a awhile. Dave spilled Dr. Pepper on my laptop. Just got a new Dell.
11:58 AM
Me and Ann are still on the rocks. I heard she went on a date with some guy named Rob who drives a new Dodge Charger. Pretty steamed.
11:59 AM
I guess he's bald though. Must be a real loser.
12:04 PM
I put on a few pounds livin' with Dave. Lotsa frozen pizzas. But I bought a chinup bar so I think some of it's muscle.
02:12 PM
3 pullups this morning and 10 situps. Feelin' jacked! Also, Ann wants to meet with her attorney. Wait'll she see's how good I look!
02:17 PM
New jeans today. Ann's gonna flip! http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/jeans/relaxedloose/PRD~186075/Levis+559+RelaxedFit+Jeans.jsp
02:20 PM
This too.http://bit.ly/cGl9h7
06:26 PM
Just tried on some of the Tim McGraw cologne. Ann LOVES that guy. Wait'll she gets a whiff, she'll be BEGGING to have me back.
06:29 PM
Just noticed Dave ate all of my TGIF's frozen potato skins. Looks like my night's ruined. Thanks alot "roomie." Really burns me.
11:17 AM
AAAAAAHHHHHH! This stupid Dell is really ticking me off! Knew I shoulda got a Mac! PIECE OF JUNK!!!
11:28 AM
Getting pretty sick and tired of Dave ranking up the john every morning before I have to get in the shower.
11:30 AM
Every morning he walks by the couch before he does his business and says, "Time to make the donuts." It's getting pretty stale.
01:39 PM
Ann just called to say the kids don't want to see me this weekend. YES!!! TGIF!!!
01:40 PM
Me and Dave are going to Paddy's at 5 for some drinks and some laughs! Time to par-tay down! Hope that cute Heather is workin'.
01:44 PM
New Friday Tee! http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/graphictees/pubsoftdrink/PRD~674457/SONOMA+life+++style+Bikini+Beach+Bar+Tee.jsp
01:01 PM
Holy crap. Me and Dave got WASTED last night. Got Wendy's on the way home. Forgot it in the car. Probably still good?
01:03 PM
Also, Dave's front left corner panel of his Skylark is dented BAD. No idea how that how that happened.
02:38 PM
Guess what? We just discovered that Dave went #2 in the tub last night. That's what. I'm going for a walk. Jeez. Really?!!
01:44 PM
Dave just ate a whole $5 Hot N Ready in front of me and didn't offer me even one slice. He's a real grossout sometimes.
01:47 PM
Now he's watching that Jersey Beach show. The babes are kinda hot, but it's so stupid.
01:50 PM
Dave's always hogging the TV. He doesn't know what's good either. Tried to hip him to that Always Sunny For Philadelphia. He didn't get it.
01:53 PM
Head hair or somewhere else? RT 01:55 PM
I can't believe I just did that. Sorry, just steamed at Dave and his crappy tv shows. Kim's cool. Dynamite bod.
03:00 PM
@pricedout Dave doesn't drink milk. Says it gives him bad breath. Newsflash, it's not the milk.
04:10 PM
Thank God Monday is over. Whopper night with Dave! Gonna go double Western, double mayo. Need the protein for my workout.
12:19 PM
Think I cracked a tooth on some Corn Nuts this morning. I guess my teeth aren't strong enough to handle BBQ Corn Nuts in the AM.
12:21 PM
Called Ann for our Dentist's number. She couldn't stop laughing and said she'd call back later. Pretty rude.
12:22 PM
Gonna have to eat this Quizno's on the other side of my mouth. I hope Ann's happy!
04:50 PM
Really overdid it on the Orajel. Dribblin' Miller Lite all over my shirt.
04:52 PM
Dave just called me a slob. Real nice coming from a man who has an old Hooter's t-shirt for a pillow case.
12:49 PM
Hump day Fever! Bruh-nuh-nuuhhh! Hump day Fever! Bruh-nuh-nuh-nooowww!
06:19 PM
Dave smoked a bunch of grass, freaked out, got the munchies, and ate 3 pot brownies. If we have to go to the hospital I'll be P.O.'d!!!
02:40 PM
Me and Dave just arm wrestled to see who has to clean the bathroom. I won! Got to get it Overrrrrr The To-o-op!!!!!!
03:37 PM
Dave made dinner. Lookin' forward to throwing it up.
03:41 PM
Thinking about visiting the kids this weekend. Not going to. But thinkin' about it.
12:19 PM
Ann asked if I could watch the kids for an hour on Sunday. Too bad I'm busy. Looks like no lunch for her and her sow friends at OG.
12:24 PM
Super pumped for the weekend! Me and Dave are going perch fishing. BIG ASS cooler of Busch Light. Can't wait can't wait can't wait!!!
12:26 PM
Just split my pants. Stapled 'em back together. Who cares! Frrrrridaaaay!
03:45 PM
My pants staples got snagged on my chair. Stood up. Ripped out the whole seat. Full moon. Had to wait for everyone else to leave.
03:47 PM
Did a revamp on my pants with some old wood glue. Waiting for it to dry.
03:55 PM
Dave is already loaded at Paddy McGee's. It's killing me! C'mon dry you stupid pants!
04:02 PM
This is a disaster! Glue everywhere. Looks like I messed myself! Sick of this.
04:04 PM
Goin to Kohl's for these bad boys. http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/shorts/cargo/solid/PRD~553934/Lee+Gallagher+Cargo+Shorts.jsp
04:04 PM
Hope that cute bartender at Paddy's likes 'em. Friday on everyone!
12:13 PM
Had a real doozy of a Monday. Got in a screaming match with Ann on the phone at work. Now everyone's being weird to me today.
12:14 PM
Guess no one knew we were having problems. It's none of their beeswax!
02:39 PM
Dave just called me to ask how to unclog the toilet. Yeah, like I know. Gave him Ann's number.
04:45 PM
Dave downloaded a bunch of porn on my laptop and it froze up. Had to take it to Best Buy with Black Asian Anal teens stuck on the browser.
04:47 PM
And now I know he uses my computer to slap it around when I'm gone! So gross.
08:15 PM
Sorry I've been out of the loop. Had a mild heart attack and crashed my Cherokee into a parked car. Been stayin' with Ann and the kids.
12:41 PM
I know I told Ann I wouldn't use Twitter as part of our "agreement", but she's really burning me, making me take the kids t or t'ing.
12:44 PM
Tonight was supposed to be my poker night w/ the guys. All their wives take out THEIR kids!
12:47 PM
I'm not my kid out in public dressed like Harry Potter! I don't care if this is a gay friendly society! The guys'll never let it go!
01:18 PM
Ann died in a car accident this morning. Pretty shook up over here.
04:16 PM
I'm sorry to swear, BUT I LEFT MY GODDAMN PAGE OPEN WHEN I WENT TO WORK AND FUCKING DAVE SENT THAT "ANN DIED" TWEET!!! NO ONE'S DEAD!!!
04:22 PM
So steamed right now. Sorry guys. Dave's really cruisin' for a knuckle sandwich.
04:29 PM
I mean, it's not that big a deal if she died since we're separated, but I'm still burned up about it. Goin' for a sixer. G'night folks.
06:26 PM
Ate a whole XL Reuben Pizza at Paddy's. The cute bartender thought I couldn't do it . She was really impressed. Said it was, "rad."
06:28 PM
I was pretty hammered so I left. Got home and Dave was in the john destroying it. Had to crap SO bad I drove back to Paddy's.
06:30 PM
Cute bartender saw me come back in and said, "What, you miss me?" Couldn't just crap and leave so I had 5 Labatt's.
06:37 PM
Cute bartender bet me a beer I couldn't put away another XL BLT Pizza. It's on! Man v. Food! Man v. Food! Ha! F-f-f-f-f-fridaaayyy!
10:50 PM
Went to get a late snack. Noticed Dave ate all my Bagel Bites. Stupid fat sow. Sick of this. Dumped all his cereal down the toilet.
12:12 PM
Hump day! Although I'm still mad that Dave ate all my Bagel Bites. Usually I get to spend the first 2 hrs of work in the john.
12:17 PM
Crap, just remembered it's almost Christmas. Don't know if I should get Ann any crap. Stressin'.
12:37 PM
Also, don't know what to get the cute bartender at Paddy's. We've been kinda buddy buddy lately. But don't wanna give the wrong signals.
12:38 PM
Gonna hit a few places at lunch. Let me know if anyone has any suggestions. Kinda stumped here.
01:10 PM
Got Ann one of those diamond heart pendants from that jewelry place at the mall.
01:12 PM
Then asked her about exchanging gifts, she said I was welcome to buy the kids things, but it'd be weird for us to do that.
01:13 PM
Boy is she gonna be surprised about the pendant! Super pumped! Might even get to stuff her stocking ;)
10:49 AM
F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fridaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!! We are the champions! Weeee arre the Champ-iiooonss!!!
08:00 PM
Just home from Chili's. Really drunk. Miss Ann so much. Calling her to see what's goin on. Calling Ann now.
08:01 PM
Ann won't pick up. Calling Ann back.
08:01 PM
Straight to voicemail. Calling Ann back.
08:02 PM
Pick up Ann! Stupid damn voicemail. Calling Ann back.
08:02 PM
Voicemail again. Calling back.
08:02 PM
Sick of this.
11:49 PM
Threw up. Sent Ann some sex texts. So stupid. Dave said he does it all the time to gals. I've never seen Dave with a woman EVER!
11:52 PM
Callling Ann again.
11:53 PM
Voicemail again. Really steamed.
01:22 PM
Did something really stupid before bed. Drank a bottle of red wine and ate 3 bran muffins. This morning's been just a nightmare.
01:35 PM
Everytime I go in the restroom, Dave makes gas sounds. So immature. My stomach is upset! It's NOT funny. So sick of this.
01:36 PM
Good news is, Ann left a message that "we need to talk." Guess I called a few times last night. Think I really got through to her.
05:01 PM
Went to meet Ann for coffee. I spent the whole time making restroom trips. She finally just left without saying goodbye. So rude.
05:24 PM
Out of TP. Goin to Paddy's. It's Dave's turn to buy it anyway. He's such a cheapskate.
07:42 PM
Took down the Sampler Platter and the Paddy McGee Sirloin. And it's $12 buckets of domestics tonight! Feelin MUCH better in the BM dept.
07:46 PM
Gettin another bucket. Might call Ann to tell her I'm feeling better. She's probably worried.
09:09 PM
Killed a dozen bullets. Called Ann. Straight to voicemail. Looks like Ann's up to her old tricks.
09:10 PM
Calling the house phone. Never thought of that! If she wants to play games, we'll play games.
09:12 PM
Phone's busy. My daughter must be talking to that ding dong Chad from school. Calling Ann's cell to let her know that won't stand!
09:14 PM
Sick of this. Half tempted to go over there and give her a piece of my mind...after a few more cold ones. Goin down so smooth.
12:39 PM
Woke up in my car in the Paddy's parking lot. Think I was going over to Ann's. Ruined my pants in my sleep. Got some thinking to do.
07:54 PM
I bet Dave that if the Lions won, I'd drink a whole bottle of Kahlua. Now I feel like I have to pee but no pee will come out.
08:00 PM
Ordered a Cheesy Bites Pizza from the Hut to try and soak it up. Passed out. Woke up to an empty box, a full Dave, and missing $20!
08:03 PM
Going to bed. This sucks. Monday tomorrow. Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks. Sucks. Monday sucks.
02:20 AM
Gotta be up in 3 hrours for work. Shit. Couldn't sleep becaourse Dave farted up the bathroum and b roke my Wii becauese he's stupdid.
01:44 PM
The roof of the Sebring collapsed like that football stadium from all the snow. Drove to work with the top down. 12 degrees out.
01:48 PM
My ears are still burning from frostbite. I HATE Mondays! Sick of this. Might need to go to the hospital.
01:56 PM
Just overheard a co-worker call me Fatso The Snowman. Feelin' kinda down.
02:42 PM
Ordered this bad boy to cheer me up:
http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/accessories/hats/fashion/PRD~778957/Headers+Griffin+Ivy+Cap.jsp
02:55 PM
Dave just called to ask "how my car was." Apparently he piled extra snow on it as a prank. That's why the roof collapsed. SO F-ING P.O.'d!
05:04 PM
Had to drive home with no roof. The heat might as well have not been on at all. Took a hot shower. Still can't get warm.
05:12 PM
Called Ann to ask for advice. Told her about the car. She laughed so hard she dropped the phone. Sick of this.
11:34 AM
At the dealership waiting for the car to get fixed. Free donuts and TV! Better than being at work. Hope it takes forever.
11:40 AM
Some old bag asked me to turn the TV down so she can read her book. What an idiot. Probably can't walk and fart at the same time either.
01:15 PM
Still here at the dealership. Took a little snooze. Gonna see what's on the tube. I hope my car never gets fixed, this place rocks!
01:33 PM
They put out a fresh pot of coffee and that old bag hit the road. Time for donut numero ocho. Seriously, I could live here.
01:49 PM
Dr. Phil is on. What a dumb sack of horsecrap. "Yew shud do this! Yew shud do that!" He should do me a favor and shut his fat face.
04:55 PM
Well MAYBE if Dave didn't hog the bathroom when he KNOWS I've been drinking coffee all day I wouldn't have to pee in the kitchen sink.
04:55 PM
And MAYBE if he did the dishes like an adult once in a while, I wouldn't have to urinate on them. He's so immature.
11:07 AM
Hump dayaayyyeeeeyaaayyeee!!! Really lookin' forward to the weekend you guys.
11:40 AM
Just got me and my bro Al early xmas presents: Tix to Joe Satriani tomorrow night at the Fillmore!!! So. Pumped.
01:03 PM
Just back from Wing Wednesday. Blared Summer Song the whole way. Satriani is gonna rock it so hard!
02:13 PM
Wings aren't sittin' so good. Only had a dozen and fries. Maybe the Diet Coke was bad or something.
06:08 PM
Went to Al's to tell him about about the Satriani tix, he said, "Bro, I just can't take off like that, I gotta holiday party to go to."
06:12 PM
I said, is JOE SATRIANI gonna be at this "holiday party?" Got pretty hot under the collar about it. They were 83 bucks a piece!!!
06:14 PM
Went to Paddy's to cool off. Gotta figure this out over a few $3 long islands.
06:16 PM
Dave'll definitely weasel his way in if I let him know, so that's out of the question. Can't take Dave, he'll grossout the concert chicks.
06:19 PM
Hinted to Carly the bartender that I had an extra ticket. Don't think she believed me. Satriani tix are pretty tough to come by.
06:20 PM
But man, people would freak out with that kinda babe on my arm. Maybe I'll ask if she "knows anyone that wants to go?" Super casual.
06:21 PM
Okay, one more Long Island to loosen up, then I'll ask. They go down so smooth here. Tastes like pop!
06:40 PM
So smooth. Goin' down SO smooth. Might get some Irish Nachos, then one more, then ask.
12:08 AM
Woke up on the couch. Think I got drunk and just gave cute bartender both tickets. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. Kill me.
12:08 PM
Can't believe I gave her those tix. I guess I'm just too nice and get taken advantage of sometimes. Feelin' down.
12:11 PM
Of course, giving away $166 big ones shows that I'm kind of big spender. Can't hurt my chances at some action down the line.
11:41 AM
I got a fever, and the only prescription, is more FRIDAY!
12:21 PM
Work holiday party starts at 4! Super pumped. There's gonna be drinks and apps and everything! Can't wait!
12:25 PM
Just snuck a peak in the fridge, HOLY CRAP THERE'S SHRIMP!!!
01:02 PM
Going to be first in line for the spread. Gotta get dips on the those shrimp.
01:49 PM
There's ABSOLUT VODKA. People keep saying I pour my drinks too strong. But it's ABSOLUT! Gotta take advantage.
02:05 PM
Just overheard, "Look at Shamoo over there hoggin' all the shrimp." It's not "hoggin" if they're free. People don't know how to live.
02:08 PM
Plus, I need the shrimp to soak up all the Absolut. It's a holiday PARTY, not a holiday SNOOZEFEST.
09:25 PM
Think I did some stuff I shouldn't have at the holiday party. Don't wanna talk about it. Gonna watch some Triple D and hit the sack.
03:32 PM
Keep getting weird emails from co-workers. Calling me "2 Live Karl." I don't know exactly what went down at the party. Scared to find out.
08:23 PM
I guess we went for after party drinks at a bar with karaoke. Sang, "Me So Horny." With my shirt off. There's pictures. Kill me.
09:21 PM
Can't sleep. Worried about work tomorrow. Hope everyone still thinks I'm cool. Don't wanna have to hang with the "Nerd Herd."
03:08 PM
Tried to keep it low key at work. Hung out in the bathroom most of the day. It was actually pretty great.
03:15 PM
A couple people called me "2 Live Karl," which I guess is an upgrade from "Clogger," "Shamoo," or "Fatso The Snowman." I kinda like it.
12:59 PM
Getting super pumped for Christmas. Need to get shopping. Ol' Santa Karl likes to do it up big!
07:43 PM
Forgot about my kid's ballet recital tonight. Crap. I mean, it's awesome I didn't have to go, but still, crap.
07:46 PM
Ann is REALLY steamed. Keeps calling leaving messages about my kid crying. Let's see how SHE likes it when I won't pick up! Ha!
08:33 PM
Ann's called 9 times now. Told me I was a being a "bad father." What a spazz. Gonna play hard to get. I know a thing or 2 about women.
01:02 PM
Ann "doesn't know if it's a good idea" for me to see the kids on Christmas. Yeah right. Like they don't want these gift certificates.
01:06 PM
Can't worry about that now anyway. Backlash from Wing Wednesday is brewing like a hurricane.
01:08 PM
Hardly anyone here at work. Gonna run home for a break. This is bad.
03:02 PM
I don't think Starbucks knows the disastrous fire they play with when then put a code on their bathroom.
06:07 PM
Just remembered tomorrow is secret Santa day at work. And I forgot who mine was. God. Damnit.
06:20 PM
Looks like the 3D Eiffel Tower jigsaw puzzle Ann's mom gave me last year is gonna be the gift that keeps on sucking. She's so thoughtless.
11:30 AM
Just did Secret Santa. Got a sweet Red Wings scarf! Just left the puzzle under the tree and went to eat cookies in the bathroom.
09:27 PM
At Wild Spurs for Karaoke Cougar Night. So many smokin' babes out tonight. Having a blast! Might do a number in a bit.
12:06 AM
This is so true. Just what I needed. RT @SexCigarsBooze If someone you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.
12:09 AM
Had SUCH a blast tonight at Wild Spurs. Put on some .38 Special and sparked one of Dave's "J's." I'm so chilled out. Feels GOOD.
12:09 AM
Just wanted to say how much I love you guys.
10:34 AM
Crap, just woke up. Hope Radio Shack is still open. They always have the coolest last minute stuff.
04:31 PM
My son wanted some stupid Mickey Mouse video game for Xmas. Got him a RC monster truck from The Shack instead. And Ann says I'm a bad dad.
05:09 PM
Haven't heard from Ann today. Guess we'll just hook up tomorrow. I'm pretty ripped on my famous egg nog anyway. (special recipe)
06:36 PM
Whoa, Dave is totally trashed on my special Nog. He thinks he knows some babes we can call. Xmas Eve 2010, let's do this!
08:24 PM
Polished off the Nog. Dave called the gals. Waiting to hear back. Busting out the Crown & Diet. Probably the best Xmas Eve I can remember.
09:13 PM
Bad news. The babes had to cancel. There was a mix up with who Dave was. They were probably barf city anyway. Dave has no taste in women.
09:53 PM
Crap, where'd I put Ann's heart pendant?!! Crap crap crap!!! One more Crown & Diet, then I'll look. Goin' down SO smooth.
10:03 PM
Really lookin' forward to the Christmas weekend you guys.
12:55 PM
Found Ann's heart pendant under a Wendy's bag in the Sebring. She said I could stop by in an hour. Gotta get it together! Super hungover.
01:12 PM
You too Kath! RT @kathyireland Merry Christmas Angels. Thank you for being so wonderful. May life bring you joy, peace and LOVE. Always
04:57 PM
Back from Ann & the kids. Had a blast. Inlaws gave me the stink eye a few times, but that's nothing new.
04:59 PM
Ann's mom kept making cracks everytime I'd refill my drink. Told her to mind her own business. Felt good to stand up to that swine.
05:06 PM
Gave Ann her pendant, she said, "Karl, you went to Jared!" & laughed a little. She stopped when I told her it was from Kay. I do it right.
05:09 PM
I think Ann really caught my drift, if you know what I mean.
05:10 PM
Plus, I wore a holiday portion of my Tim McGraw cologne. She probably would've been all over me if her folks weren't there.
05:12 PM
Knew I wouldn't get any, so I gave the kids their crap, broke the toilet, blamed it on her mom and left. Time to relax. Feeling good.
12:49 PM
Really comin down from Christmas. Feelin down. Wish I had some leftovers.
12:51 PM
Ann made me a plate to go. When I woke up, Dave had eaten it all. He said, "I thought it was for me?!" Nothing's EVER been for you, Dave.
01:49 PM
Pulled my back out using the restroom. Now the cable isn't working so no football. Sick of this. I wonder if Paddy's is open?
02:04 PM
Paddy's is open 'til 10. Heading over. $1.50 domestics! Told Dave I was going to buy toilet paper. He was gettin on my last nerve.
04:31 PM
The best thing about $1.50 pints is that you can pretty much drink as many as you want.
08:15 PM
Heckuva time at Paddy's tonight. Musta had a million Bud Ls. Took down an Irish Nacho to soak it up for the drive. They were delish!
08:17 PM
Got home and Dave was still in the same spot as when I left, as usual. It's like he never moves. The guy needs to get a life!
08:20 PM
Sometimes I feel like I should bring Dave around more often, but he just doesn't have much class. Always creeps out the foxy chicks.
08:25 PM
There was a new gal at Paddy's tonight. Super righteous bod and a real sweetheart. Kristen or Carrie or something? I'm a little bombed.
02:11 PM
@JennyMcCarthy Tiger Woods was a big fave! I'd never do that to Ann & the kids, but who could resist all those hot babes!
02:13 PM
Super pumped to be helpin' out @JennyMcCarthy. She's such a sweetheart.
07:43 PM
Found an old Tina's Burrito in back of the freezer behind the ice trays. Gonna fix it up "supreme" style. Monday could be alot worse.
09:18 PM
Can freezer burn make you ill? Stomach hurts really bad. Tongue hurts almost worse. Should've waited for the burreet to cool off.
09:19 PM
Heard Dave coming in the door and didn't want to share so I shoveled it in straight outta the microwave. Really hurtin all over.
09:51 PM
Took a couple Pepcid AC. Didn't do anything. Nothing coming out the back end. Just so cramped up.
10:40 PM
I just wish I could take a healthy crap so I could get some goddamn sleep.
03:04 PM
Finally, Tuesday is over. Really lookin' forward to hump day you guys.
06:19 PM
Dave just asked me if I want to have a farting contest. I don't know how much longer I can live here.
08:19 PM
Had some time to think tonight. Gonna really try and make it work with Ann. Dave's been bringin me down lately.
09:59 AM
Wing Wednesday! Let's do this! (gotta take advantage, might be making some New Year's resolutions)
06:10 PM
Wing Wednesday got a little outta control. Took down 18+, 2 pitchers and a cheese fry.
06:12 PM
Kinda been overdoin it for the Holidays. It's either time for a diet or I can just use the gift certificate Ann got me for Casual Male XL.
09:07 AM
Super close to the big NYE bash! Super pumped. One last hurrah before I get my program together. Feels good.
11:18 AM
Doin some pushups. Wanna look jacked later.
12:01 PM
Crush is playing tonight at Wild Spurs. They rock! So pumped! NYE FRIDAAAAYYYY!!!!
12:24 PM
Picked up a new pair of black jeans. Kinda tight, but it IS a rock show later. They actually look pretty cool.
12:27 PM
Dave just asked if I want to hang with his brother's family later because they'll have "free pizza and everything." No, loser, I don't.
01:23 PM
Can't wait to rock out 'til the break of dawn! Hope there's some babes out. Who am I kidding, OF COURSE there will be. Super pumped.
03:07 PM
Made one of my famous Vernor's, Hot Damn & Jim Beam. (special recipe) Getting started early before heading out!
03:11 PM
My theme song for tonight. Got it on repeat. Forgot how good their old stuff is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nY72dQl_HmU
03:14 PM
NEW YEAR'S 2010! Let's do this! Heading out to Wild Spurs in 15. Love you guys! Be safe! (And maybe lucky, if you know what I mean) Ha!
03:16 PM
Or is it New Year's 2011? Can never remember. Whatever, just have a blast!
