DadBoner

2012

January
February
March

Compiled from Pete Keen's DadBoner Twitter Fiction Reader, itself compiled from Karl Welzein's @DadBoner Twitter feed.

Sun Jan 01 2012

02:14 PM
Holy shit. What happened? Goin' back to sleep. Wanna die, you guys.

Mon Jan 02 2012

01:09 PM
Oh god. The pad is a wreck. Bottles everywhere. Just found Peanut eatin' pizza crusts from the trash in the bathtub. Goin' back to bed.

Tue Jan 03 2012

11:51 AM
The pad pretty much looks like a ghetto drug house. Was kinda glad to get outta there and go to work. Peanut & Dave are out of control.

11:52 AM
Thought I could show the boys a nice NYE. Tuxes, Hummer limo, the works. Give 'em a taste of the good life so they could strive for it.

11:54 AM
5 min after gettin in the Hummer limo, Dave decided he wanted to drive. Then Peanut said "me too!" Stupid. If anyone gets to drive it's me.

12:00 PM
Peanut tried to climb in the front seat of the Hummer limo, spilled orange pop & gin all over the driver. He got steamed and pulled over.

12:07 PM
The driver said one more thing and we're out. That's when we heard Dave scream, "Peener Pee!" and was whizzing out the window.

12:09 PM
When you're in a Hummer limo, you can't just whizz out the window! Show some class. Use a Mountain Dew bottle or something like a gentleman.

12:19 PM
Had to bribe the driver with TWO 20s to let us stay until we pulled up to Applebees like badasses. Gave him the "Listen Buddy..." approach.

12:30 PM
10 minutes after we got in trouble with the driver, I look over and Peanut is whizzing out the window on the hood of a car.

12:32 PM
Pulled Peanut away from the window, but he wasn't through and whizzed all over the limo AND Dave. Peanut makes some rank whizz too.

12:46 PM
When we got to Applebees, Peanut fell out the limo & split his chin open pretty bad. Kept sayin, "don't worry, I'm clean!"

12:52 PM
Peanut said he was ok & would just wrap his cucumber over the bloody gash in his face. He meant "cumberbun." Ha! Just like in Family Circus.

01:23 PM
At Applebee's, I musta took down 4 Top Shelf Long Islands before my Shrimp 'N Parm Sirloin arrived. I bet it was off the chain.

01:26 PM
After the 4 Applebee's Top Shelf Long Islands, NYE starts to get a little blurry. They go down so smooth, you guys.

01:28 PM
"Applebee's- There's No Place Like The Neighborhood, to Get Blackout Drunk For A Holiday Celebraish." No such thing as overserved at 'Bee's.

02:19 PM
Been tryin' to piece together the rest of the NYE celebraish. 1. Remember leavin' Bee's and the Hummer limo bein gone so we went back in.

02:30 PM
2. Cleared out a few tables to make a dance floor. Dave started gettin' in faces sayin' It was time for a "Peener Off."

02:37 PM
3. I found Peanut in the 'Bee's kitchen eatin' trash lefties singin that LL Cool J Big Ol Butt song to a waitress. Had to drag him out.

02:39 PM
4. Definitely remember a hefty bag hittin' Dave in the plumbing for tellin' her to get on the dance floor and "feel his peen power."

02:43 PM
5. Think we got escorted out after I tried to jump over the bar to work my Cocktail moves. Fell pretty hard. Lucky I like 'Bee's or I'd sue.

Wed Jan 04 2012

10:51 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Tore all the meat off 6 Mango Habs and threw in on my Tender Salad. Highway to the Health Zone, 2012!

10:54 AM
Accidentally had the collar up on my golf shirt this mornin. Peanut woke up on the kitchen floor & said, "Dang, you look mad swag, K-Money!"

11:00 AM
Peanut's right. Don't know what it means, but I DO look "mad swag." Gotta do MY thing. K-Money in the house! 2012. Bigger, faster, stronger.

11:11 AM
Goin' to do some pushups in john. Really get my body on point. Turn my Tender Wing Salad into muscle. Headin' to Bold Body City, USA.

01:33 PM
Was doin some more 'shups in the john. There was water on the floor and I got a spot on my crotch. Doesn't look very swag.

01:44 PM
Noticed my fake pee pee crotch stain when I caught Nosey Lady starin' at my business. Thought she caught the K-Money vapors, but no.

01:55 PM
Even if your khakis have a big wet crotch, it's still inappropriate to stare at someone's junk if ya don't have carnal intentions, you guys.

01:57 PM
Writin' it down: 1/4/2012, Nosey Lady stared at my business. Might have to bring it up when I have my meeting with the head honcho.

Thu Jan 05 2012

12:13 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:05 PM
Highway to the Healthzone sure is a lonely road. Just realized I've been thinkin' about cheeseburgs for over 3 hrs. Really tuned out.

06:49 PM
Healthzone 101: Eat a box of Morningstar Chicken Nuggs in a bowl with ranch for supper. It's a salad since they're technically veggies!

Fri Jan 06 2012

01:08 PM
Heard that Kanyo West nincompoop is settin' up a big meeting of the minds. Didn't know he was still around. Might have to get involved.

01:10 PM
Haven't heard from Kanyo West since he went all assclown on that hurricane show with Austin Powers. Figured he just worked at Arby's now.

01:51 PM
Hear all you have to do to get on the Kanyo West supermind team is send a letter on the computer and you get to be mad swag. Worth a shot.

01:55 PM
Dear Kanyo, Karl Welzein here, aka K-Money, which is my name on the streets. Good to see you're back on the scene and feelin' well.

01:56 PM
Last time I heard, you were bein' a world class corncob, but hey, we all make mistakes and it's not fair to hold a brother to his past.

01:58 PM
A few ticks back I took alot of static for makin' a bm behind the dumpster at work. People still try to kick knowledge about it, but...

02:00 PM
...it's old news, blood. Anyway, thought I'd reach out, guy to guy, and see if you'd like me on your supermind team. I got creativity by...

02:02 PM
...the buttload! (Ha! just some bathroom guy humor there) I've just had so many ideas that could make the world a bolder place:

02:04 PM
McWing Sammies at Mickey D's, mucho off the chain flavor bowls, and Captain Karl's Pizza Ship, which I think you'd be down with. See,...

02:05 PM
...Captain Karl's would be an equal opportunity employer for blacks, whites, everything really. You just need healthy chest beefers...

02:07 PM
...to be a busty sea wench waitress, or to work on time to wash the dishes in our after school program for minorities. I have a dream,...

02:09 PM
...Kanyo, and that dream is for all colors to enjoy the bold flavors of buy 11 get one free Top Shelf Margs together in peace forever.

02:10 PM
And if you're steamed that I'm a no good honkey, I gotta lay down that I'm tight with Vernon, Homeless Peanut, and The Cain Train.

02:12 PM
I care about black people, Kanyo. Represent to the fullest and pour out some 40. And since you're a rapper, I gotta tell you that I'm...

02:13 PM
...down with carnal passions involving big dumpers and crap. We should have a side guy to guy about babes sometime.

02:17 PM
Oh, I gotta tell you about the new dance called "The Peener." It's sweepin' the nation and I think I'd be mad swag on your next record.

02:18 PM
Dave came up with The Peener, but I'm the man who's makin' it happen from coast to coast. It's just like George Bernard Shaw said,

02:21 PM
"If you have a bold flavor, and I have a bold flavor, and we exchange bold flavors, then you and I will still each have one bold flavor...

02:22 PM
...But you have a bold flavor and I have a bold flavor and we share these bold flavors, then each of us will have two bold flavors."

02:23 PM
(he said "apples" but who likes those unless you want the runs to get out of something?)

02:24 PM
Kanyo, get at me dog. Let's roll, creatively. Regards, Karl "K-Money" Welzein

02:33 PM
PS, Kanyo, Think you should change the name of your company from "DONDA" to "CELEBRAISH." Creatively, it has a more positive feel, you guys.

Sat Jan 07 2012

11:51 AM
Super pumped for the Lions. Hittin the store for some goodies. It's ok to go out of the healthzone for a pigskin celebraish, you guys. USA.

01:41 PM
Peanut asked if Barry Sanders still played for the Lions. Ha! Really doggin him. Gotta make him feel stupid. It's a true sign of friendship.

01:45 PM
Some poors say dumb crap 'cause they haven't had a tube for a while. Some just rot their brain with the bottle. Gotta be understanding.

05:00 PM
Got Koegels goin for Coney Islands. Just usin Hormel, but I added my own spices. (special recipe) Chips, bold dips. The works. Full spread.

05:01 PM
Crankin up Stranglehold. Watchin this babes cans on mute. Lions wild card 2012. Let's roll, you guys.

05:26 PM
Ha! That guy's got the limp plumbing! Cialis is for corncobs who are into dudes and married to babes or fellas with no carnal drive.

05:34 PM
This is a great day to be alive. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now. God bless the Lions and the USA, forever and ever.

05:50 PM
Miller Lite has more taste? What taste is that? Water? More WATER taste? Quit tryin' to fool us with your fake macho bullcrap.

05:59 PM
Touchdown! Time for a Pee & Bee'. And a shot. Or 3. Ha!

06:35 PM
Dave called first halftime bm. I really blew it. Just gonna shoot some Crown to take my mind off the massive bm I have to make so bad.

07:18 PM
Dave said he'll be out of the john in a second. Said he's "talkin' to a babe." Is that what he calls diarrhea now?! So steamed.

07:20 PM
I got 5 Coney Dogs tryin' to kick down my backdoor, Dave! Get out of the friggin' can! I gotta grunt so I can enjoy the game! AGGHHH!!!

07:39 PM
Great. Peanut just took a crap in a Folger's can in the kitchen. Sick of this. Goin' to Paddy's. Pedal to the medal. Gotta crap so bad.

07:53 PM
Didn't make it to the car. Tossed my unders & Wranglers in the trash and went in the pad with my Rodney Peete jersey pulled over my peener.

07:57 PM
38-21?!!! When did this happen? Oh my god. This is Dave's fault. Goin to kick down the john door and give him a piece of my mind!

08:03 PM
AAHHHHGHHHH!!!! MOTHERFUCJERrR!!!! GONNA KILLL SOMEBODY GODN<AMIT!!!!!!!!!

08:28 PM
Goin' in the john to clean my doodoo rear end and shed a few tears on the john like a man has to sometimes. Might call Ann. So sick of this.

08:32 PM
When a real bad boy has to cry, you do it on the toilet with the door shut. Unless you already kicked it down.

Sun Jan 08 2012

02:29 AM
Can't put the bottle down. One a those days where the good Lord'll make the call when you're done. Just wanna turn the page.

01:04 PM
The pad is trashed. At least Peanut is pickin up all the bottles & cans. Feelin down. Ann won't pick up. Can't have nothin'. Sick of this.

01:08 PM
Need a cheer me up. Gonna order a Papa's Favorite from Papa J's. It'll give me endorphins which helps with metabolism. Gotta be smart.

01:10 PM
Just 'cause you're broken by the world & want to kill yourself and everyone in it, that's no excuse not to stay healthy and fit, you guys.

01:13 PM
Plus, I bet I burned a buncha cals kickin the john door down last night. My hammy's pretty sore. I kinda earned some Papa John's.

09:01 PM
Feel like the weekend was a bust. Real stinker. Gonna hit the sack with my Papa John's lefties. Bed pizza, take me away.

Mon Jan 09 2012

10:42 AM
Really draggin' today. Woke up in the night to smacky sounds from Peanut eatin' my bed pizza. Said he was cold and had a bad dream.

10:45 AM
How's Peanut cold INSIDE? He's used to living OUTSIDE. Think Peanut's gettin' soft. Need to toughin him up, have him sleep on the balcony.

10:47 AM
Never really thought about how street people might have bad dreams. Figured if you're living a nightmare, you wouldn't need to have 'em.

10:58 AM
Gotta get back on the highway to the healthzone. Gonna do some 'shups in the john & pound a couple cans o' protein shake. Get my bod tight.

01:04 PM
Maybe I should start lookin' for my own pad? Dave & Peanut might be beyond repair. Can let 'em bring me down when I'm so together.

02:54 PM
Might have to break the news to the fellas tonight that I might be movin' on to greener pastures. Want my new pad to be mad swag.

02:57 PM
Man, just think of all the babes I could crush with my K-Money moves if Dave & Peanut weren't around eatin' trash and makin' rank bm's.

Tue Jan 10 2012

11:21 AM
Couldn't break the news about movin' to a new pad to the boys last night. We got into a pretty heated argument about Dr. Pepper Ten.

11:30 AM
Might start doin' product reviews. Could really help the world. Maybe hit up the Flint Journal or GQ. My column would be badass. Ann'd flip!

12:20 PM
For my column, can't decide on whether to go with "Captain Karl's Corner" or "K-Money's Bold Bad Boy Reviews." Both kickass. So hard.

01:28 PM
Nosey Lady keeps walkin by lookin over my shoulder. Can smell her coffee manure breath. Tryin to see what I'm writin. Beat it, fudge stripe!

06:10 PM
Dave says I could never be a writer 'cause "you ain't got no experience." Idiot. It's "don't got ANY experience." Such a no class corncob.

06:15 PM
I have LIFE experience, mad swag, carnal moves, business mindedness, the works. Could be the next Mickey Rooney. Really tell it how it is.

Wed Jan 11 2012

11:06 AM
Finally got my review done. Think I did a mean job. Was up super late workin' on it and poundin' Crown. Heard all the greats did that.

11:09 AM
CAPTAIN KARL'S BAD BOY KORNER: DR. PEPPER TEN REVIEW Welcome to the first installment of CKBBK! Let's get right into it.

11:12 AM
This week I heard Dr. Pepper had a new pop flavor called "TEN" when I saw their commercial featuring some corncob tryin' to get macho.

11:14 AM
Really got me steamed that they didn't use Rambo or Stone Cold or somebody who grew a pair enough to kickass in the jungle. Just some load.

11:16 AM
The Dr. Pepper Load tells everyone how "TEN" isn't for babes to drink. That's crap. Ya gotta share with babes to get carnal passions.

11:20 AM
Dr. Pepper TEN turns off babes? So stupid. I don't want no part of a cold beverage that makes 'em hit the bricks. You wanna keep 'em comin.

11:23 AM
When you try too hard to be macho like Dr. Pepper TEN, hatin' on babes, you're probably a fella who likes extra long showers at the gym.

11:28 AM
Dr. Pepper TEN is for corncobs who can't embrace their carnality for other fellas. (Which's cool. Passion is for everyone. But I dig babes.)

11:30 AM
Let's get on to the taste of Dr. Pepper TEN. Says it has 10 Bold Tasting Calories. Calories don't taste bold, idiots, flavors do.

11:31 AM
Dr. Pepper TEN tastes like Diet Dr. Pepper, which they say tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Same crap in different cans. Get a new idea.

11:34 AM
Dr. Pepper TEN is LYING about "Bold Taste." It's not Chipotle Lime Dr. Pepper, you guys. Really bringin down fine cuisines who deserve it.

11:36 AM
To conclude, Dr. Pepper TEN is just some lying crap for guys to drink in a closet when they wish they were hot and soapy with a fella.

11:40 AM
"Dr. Pepper TEN, it's not for women." Great, have fun in your jungle of man on man denial. I'll be at the bar sharin' cold ones with a babe.

11:42 AM
(Not that there's anything wrong with man on man passion. just not for me. This is 2012. Let's be open and superminds together like Kanyo.)

11:43 AM
Keep it rockin' in the USA, you guys. -Captain Karl

Thu Jan 12 2012

10:32 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:13 AM
Sent in my Dr. Pepper review to a few publications. Super pumped. Hard to pay attention at work. Think I got a good shot a new career.

11:28 AM
Took a few hours, but I found the website for Esquire magazine. Then have an article called Eat Like A Man. Really dig the vibe.

11:53 AM
Used my email account to shoot this babe Elizabeth Gunnison a shout. See if she wants me on the Esquire team. Can't wait to hear back.

11:53 AM
"Hey Elizabeth. Karl Welzein here from Grand Blanc, MI. Saw you dig eats, and well, I'm a bold flavor man myself. From WAY back.

11:54 AM
Anyway, me and my pals Homeless Peanut and Dave got into a perty heated argument over Dr. Pepper 10 the other night. Dave said it rocked,

11:55 AM
...and I said it was for corncobs. I knew I was right 'cause Dave is an idiot. So I decided to try and get in the review game.

11:55 AM
Think I could really help people in this crazy world we call, "life." Would love if you took a look at my article, and maybe you could...

11:56 AM
...put it in your mag. Always dig a gents' publication on the john, and especially enjoy when you guys show off a smokin' babe.

11:56 AM
I don't subscribe Esquire myself (I'm more of a Penthouse man, it's more carnal) but sometimes Ken leaves it in the can.

11:57 AM
He thinks he's better than everyone. So stupid. Ken doesn't have a 'rang OR a rockin' pony. I KNOW you'll dig it this...

11:58 AM
...if you give it a chance. Regards, Karl "Captain Karl" Welzein

11:58 AM
P.S.- I might be on Kanyo West's new supermind team, so now would be a great chance to take advantage of my ideas before I'm a millionaire.

11:59 AM
PPS- I also might be openin' my new restaurant, "Captain Karl's Pizza Ship" real soon, and would love you come by for your personal review.

11:59 AM
Maybe we could take down a few top shelf margs, and then, who knows?"

12:58 PM
Snagged an ice cold trunk brew from the 'Bring. Gonna enjoy it real slow on the john. Why chase a dream without a little celebraish?

01:03 PM
Cold ones always go down SO smooth when you're sneakin' one in the john. Sippin' it slow & easy while plottin & schemin your next big move.

09:23 PM
Waited around all night for word from Esquire or GQ or anybody really about my review. Feelin' bummed. Peanut can tell. He's like a dog.

09:25 PM
Peanut put his arm around me and said, "You bluin" K-Money?" and offered me some of his Mad Dog. From Peanut, it's a pretty kind gesture.

09:26 PM
Sick of not being appreciated. Maybe tyin a good ol' fashioned one on late night with Peanut is just what the Dr. ordered. Like old times.

Fri Jan 13 2012

11:52 AM
"Oh baby, you! You got what I need! But you say it's just a Friday! But you say it's just a Friday!" Great commersh! Happy Friday, you guys.

11:57 AM
Really draggin' today. Stayed up until 4am drinkin Mad Dog with Peanut. No shower. Now I know why homeless people look and smell homeless.

12:04 PM
Gonna go wash my pits with hand soap in the john. Gotta keep your body fresh on the outside even if the inside feels like a clogged toilet.

01:04 PM
Wanna die from drinkin' garbage sauce with Peanut all night. No wonder homeless people don't have jobs. Maybe it's not their fault?

01:06 PM
When you're homeless, drinkin' cheap liquor all night IS your job. Can't be expected to go to a real one too. A man can't work 24 hrs.

03:02 PM
JUST GOT WORD ON MY PERSONAL EMAIL ACCOUNT THAT MY DR. PEPPER TEN REVIEW GOT PASSED ON TO THE EDITORS OF ESQUIRE MAG! TIME FOR A CELEBRAISH!

03:04 PM
Gonna really shove my success in Dave's stupid face. Peanut was the only one who supported me. Takin' him out to get loose tonight!

03:06 PM
Me & Peanut (not Dave) will be ro-ckin' in-to the night. Rockin' into the night! (not Dave) Goin' all out. Top shelf everything. The works.

03:07 PM
If a house gets in my way, baby. You know I'll burn it down, you guys.

03:11 PM
Maybe everything changed when I got plastered with Homeless Peanut? Can't appreciate touchin' the sky without knowin' what rock bottom is.

Sat Jan 14 2012

12:37 PM
Tryin' to piece together last night. Don't know where Peanut is. Hope he's not dead. It'd really ruin the weekend.

12:44 PM
Dave said he heard me come home, but no Peanut. Guess I made a DiGiorno Unpizza for health and try to flush the crust down the toilet.

12:46 PM
Dave said I kept screamin' how "Jamie Lee Curtis' ripe old beefers would soon be mine" and "suck it everyone." Don't remember that.

12:48 PM
Apparently, I also wrote "Highway To The Peener Zone" on the broken john door in marker, then laughed so hard I threw up my unpizza. Oh god.

12:51 PM
I just hope Peanut isn't frozen to death. He's filled with liquor, so I don't think it's possible, but I might have to go do some recon.

04:55 PM
Couldn't find Peanut anywhere. Walked all the way around the block. Twice. When a pal might be frozen dead, you gotta make the extra effort.

04:57 PM
Gonna make up a batch of fishsticks with my Captain Karl's 7 Seas Tartar Sauce. Bold ocean flavors. Really off the hook. (special recipe)

05:08 PM
Whenever I had a bad day at school, my mom'd make me fishsticks to cheer me up. Never had a mourn a possibly froze to death pal, but still.

05:17 PM
If Peanut doesn't get back before the next game, gonna have to call off the search 'til tomorrow. Friends is friends, but it's the playoffs.

06:57 PM
Looks like God doesn't even have time for Tim Tebow right now. Probably not a good time to ask him for help with Peanut.

07:07 PM
Dave said Tim Tebow's not into babes. His main squeeze is Jesus. Nice to see the church is comin' around to bein' open to modern times.

08:18 PM
Tim Tebow shoulda started prayin' earlier instead of just when he gets somethin' he wants. The Big Man don't like fair weather worshippin'.

08:23 PM
Whether you're straight or in a guy on Guy relationship like Tim Tebow, you shouldn't need a reason to say nice things to the one you love.

09:56 PM
Should probably flyer the neighborhood & a few of Peanut's hot spots tomorrow. Least I can do. Maybe he just wants to get back to his roots?

Sun Jan 15 2012

01:10 PM
Asked at Taco Bell if they saw Peanut. Nothin. So I got a taco 12 pack. Hard to stay in the health zone when a poor pal could be dead,

01:16 PM
Poors love eatin outta the Taco Bell garbage. It's pretty much the same as eatin' inside but with a little less dignity & alot more value.

08:33 PM
Asked Dave if he wanted to say some prayers for Peanut for before bed. He said, "Nah. That's gay." And went to in his room. So selfish.

08:37 PM
Prayin's the easiest way to get somethin done without tryin in real life. Whether you're poor and lazy, or just lookin' for a homeless pal.

Mon Jan 16 2012

11:08 AM
Woke up this mornin & Homeless Peanut was layin in front of the door! It's an MLK Day miracle! Dr. King works in mysterious ways, you guys.

11:16 AM
Asked Peanut where he was. He said, "Just chilin,' K-Money." I thought he was dead in a dumpster, or worse!

11:21 AM
Peanut said we were at 'Bees on Friday and I "kept talkin bout some Jamie Lee lady's big breastesses" then just wandered off, so he split.

11:24 AM
Peanut thought I was "goin to lay the pipe" and didn't want to get in the way of my "K-Money mack mode." So polite and thoughtful.

11:28 AM
Peanut said he got out of payin at 'Bee's by wettin his pants & talkin bout "fires" til they kicked him out. He's smarter than he looks.

11:46 AM
Gotta really go all out for the MLK celebraish. Wanna make it special for Peanut. It's pretty much the black Thanksgiving.

11:57 AM
Told Peanut we're gonna raise the roof with mad swag in his honor, and as an apology for whites bein corncobs to blacks. Might get some KFC.

11:59 AM
Asked Peanut if he wanted KFC. Didn't want to assume. It's racist. He said, "KFC? OOOWEEEE! K-Money comin' correct with The Colonel!"

12:08 PM
Dave's got all pumped when he heard "KFC." Told him it wasn't for him cause he didn't pray for Peanut. I can't treat the whole neighborhood.

12:11 PM
Don't know why some black folks get offended when you assume they want free fried chicken. Last thing I'd get mad at is free Olive Garden.

12:36 PM
Gonna get every color of Mad Dog. They're all equal for the MLK celebraish. But tomorrow, Banana Red returns to the back of the bus.

12:44 PM
It's important for whites to do at least one nice thing for blacks today. Like holdin a door or makin eye contact that says, "I'm so sorry."

12:49 PM
MLK Celebraish Day 2012. For all colors, creeds, Lionel Richie, everyone really. Let's roll together, you guys. The works. Full spread.

Tue Jan 17 2012

02:48 PM
Pretty tore up from yesterday. Shouldn't of mixed all those colors of Mad Dog. Wish Dr. King was here to stop the race war in my stomach.

02:51 PM
Took an extra day off for reflection. It's the least I can do for MLK. Reflecting on the john still counts, just like when you pray.

03:06 PM
Stupid how of all the holidays we get off only ONE is for a black guy. Maybe their employment rate would be higher if things were more fair.

Wed Jan 18 2012

12:58 PM
Happy Wing Wednesday. Got an Asian Zing Chicken Salad with 6 Mango Habs on top. If it touches salad, it's part of the salad, you guys.

01:00 PM
Kept it in the health zone with LIGHT Asian Sesame Dressing. Bold karate flavors with a real kick. Hi-ya! BDubs should put that on the menu.

01:02 PM
Haven't heard back from Esquire yet. Gettin' kinda steamed. Be real embarrassin if I rubbed it in Dave's face & had a celebraish for nothin.

03:35 PM
Forgot I told Dave I'd grill him a steak dinner if I wasn't on the Esquire food website on the internet by tomorrow. Sick of this.

03:38 PM
Dave keeps rubbin' his stomach, makin' hungry eyes at me, lickin' his chops, and doin' groany sounds. It's kinda looks carnal. Wanna puke.

Thu Jan 19 2012

11:21 AM
Dave keeps callin, remindin me how he wants his steak done. Said to not forget all the trimmings. Wants a loaded baked too. So p.o.'d!

11:40 AM
Really steamed at Esquire for gettin my hopes up. Feel like a jerk. These big wig hotshots think the can just play with your dreams.

11:43 AM
If Esquire understood how THEIR actions are gonna make ME have to grill DAVE a steak like some slave, maybe they'd give 2 craps.

11:46 AM
I'm K-Money. Captain Karl. I should have steaks cooked for ME. I'm the man, not Dave. All this is makin' me feel sick. Might vomit.

11:50 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys. This whole week needs to be flushed down the shitter. (Sorry to curse, but I'm real upset.)

Fri Jan 20 2012

11:49 AM
Knock knock knockin' on Friday's door. Cold, cold...cold, cold ones. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKIN' ON FRIDAY'S DOOOOOOR!!!

11:54 AM
Last night was a disaster. Had to make stupid Dave his stupid steak & fixins 'cause Esquire burned me. Gonna give 'em a piece of my mind.

11:57 AM
You'd think Esquire woulda liked the perspective of a REAL man givin' a REAL opinion about eats & drinks for once. They really blew it.

12:03 PM
I spent all night SLAVING over Dave. Made sure his steak was just right. Had to call him "King Dave." Sauteed his 'shrooms to perfection.

12:05 PM
I'm tellin' ALL my friends, that Esquire Magazine don't know crap about good taste and burnin' down corncobs. No balls. Not for real men.

12:07 PM
Just told Ken he better cancel his Esquire subscription unless he wants everyone to think he's a fancy sissy. That mag is old news.

12:10 PM
Not gonna let this ruin' MY weekend. Goin' to make a trunk liquor drink and get started on my burn letter to Esquire. Really shut 'em down.

12:12 PM
When the bigwigs hold back the little guy in this crazy world we call, "life", it's time to chop 'em down with back of your hand, you guys.

Sat Jan 21 2012

10:31 AM
Is it too much to ask to be able to watch some afternoon television without hearing about some corncob's erection problems?

10:34 AM
Really sick of this. If your peener doesn't work, why would you NOT already see a doctor. Who's waiting around for an ad to tell 'em that?!

10:39 AM
"Whelp, my peener doesn't go erected when I feel carnal anymore. Guess I had a good run." No! Go to the doctor idiot! Your tool is broke!

10:42 AM
If my peener isn't hot n ready when I'm in the mood with a babe, I'm not waitin' around for a commersh to tell me how to get my groove back.

11:04 AM
Who would see a doctor if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hrs? Makes more sense to just see some more babes, if you catch my drift.

10:26 PM
Drinkin' some cold ones with Dave & Peanut. Havin' a guy's night. Watchin' a Stone Cold documentary Dave got for Xmas. Gimme a hell yeah!

10:32 PM
Stone Cold has the right attitude when it comes to authority. Really admire how he don't take crap from no one. Takin' notes.

10:35 PM
Stone Cold likes to call people, "pieces of trash." Really gets your point across. Direct, but honest. Writin' it down.

10:36 PM
KARL 3:16 SAYS I JUST WHOOPED YER ASS!!!

10:37 PM
Might have to make a KARL 3:16 t-shirt. So badass. It'd really let everyone know they're pieces of trash, you guys.

10:58 PM
Dave threw me a cold one so I could catch it like Stone Cold. Went through the front window. Really whipped it. Idiot. Freezin in here.

11:33 PM
Turned the furnace all the way up and hittin the sack. Lettin' Peanut sleep on my floor instead of the tundra living room. Really steamed.

Sun Jan 22 2012

10:42 AM
After we tape a trash bag over the broken window, today's all about cold ones, bold eats, and NFL football. Gimme an Aw Hell Yeah!

10:47 AM
Looks like that Sandusky corncob killed a beloved old timer with his bathtime shenanigans. Love to get my mitts on him behind the scenes.

11:04 AM
Jerry Sandusky is the biggest piece of trash that ever lived. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Karl Welzein said so.

01:46 PM
Just finished makin my KARL 3:16 tee. Used 2 bottles of whiteout on a black Hanes. Smells kinda rank but really off the chain. AW HELL YEAH!

03:41 PM
Dave just came out of the bathroom with a shirt that says, "DAVE 3:16." Really p.o.'d. Peanut said, "Dave jockin' yo swag, K-Money!"

03:43 PM
Oh my god. Dave wrote "DAVE 3:16" on one of MY Big Dogs tee's turned inside out. Said he didn't want to ruin one of his. So steamed.

03:51 PM
Can't even look at Dave right now. Just tryin' to focus on the game. Makin some Pizza Rolls. They calm any violent rage situation.

05:22 PM
Went in the john for 5-15 minutes. When I came out, Dave had eaten half my Pizza Rolls. 'Bout to open up a can of whup-ass.

06:34 PM
Why does Eli Manning always make a face like he's either gonna cry or just smelled some dog doo real close to his nose?

06:44 PM
Dave just said, "I shoulda played football. I'm pretty much the toughest son of a bitch I know." Sick of him actin' like he's a badass.

06:50 PM
Dave's "DAVE 3:16" shirt is goin to his head. He said, "Man, I get so pumped during a big game. Feel like I wanna kick some ass."

06:53 PM
Sick of Dave showing off in front of Peanut like he's the man. I'M the man. Not Dave. Gonna do some shots of Crown. I gotta chillax.

08:13 PM
Dave said, "get me a cold one, ya piece of trash." Lost my temper. Gave him a Stone Cold Stunner. Destroyed the coffee table.

08:15 PM
Peanut freaked out and took off. Dave went in his room and slammed the door. Think he's cryin. Feel bad. Don't know my own strength.

08:19 PM
Karl 3:16 says I just whupped Dave's ass. Feel like I didn't have a choice. Sometimes, street justice has to be served, you guys.

08:22 PM
Might go for a walk. Try to clear my head. Need time to think. Pretty bombed. Hope Dave doesn't sue. It's tough bein a lonely renegade.

Mon Jan 23 2012

11:22 AM
Dave didn't leave his room all night or this mornin. Hope he's not dead. I'd be in some real hot water. Wonder where he's makin bathroom?

12:30 PM
Wore my KARL 3:16 tee to work today. Nosey Lady said, "I didn't know you were religious, Karl?" Idiot. What a piece of trash.

09:06 PM
Dave's been walkin' around with a Lean Pocket on his black eye all night. It's not even frozen anymore, all fallin' apart. Really milkin it.

09:10 PM
In war sometimes it's bro vs. bro. And sometimes that "war" is slammin yer best pal's face into a coffee table with a Stone Cold Stunner.

09:14 PM
Usually, when someone really wants you to feel bad for 'em, it's because they got what they deserved. The strong suffer alone in the john.

Tue Jan 24 2012

12:09 PM
Crap, I can hear Peanut downstairs in the work parking lot, screaming, "YO! K-MONEY!" Good thing no one at work knows my swag name.

12:26 PM
Peanut is tryin' to get in the back door at work. Keeps screamin' K-MONEY! Everyone is at the window. Think Nosey is callin the police.

12:32 PM
Don't want Peanut to go to jail. Gonna tell everyone I'll handle it, Roadhouse style. Gotta cement myself as the alpha dog at work.

01:46 PM
Man, Peanut was really messed up. He kept babbling about "how Dave sent him with a special message about Prince playin' fo' the Tigs" and...

01:48 PM
..."how I wouldn't take Dave's calls but looks like the good news and time fo' a celebraish 'cause all is forgiven." Peanut was so crazed...

01:53 PM
...I told him this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts him and gave him a Stone Cold Stunner in the parking lot. Had to get it on.

01:55 PM
Gonna have to make it up to Peanut when I get home. He'll understand when I tell him it was so 5-O didn't sweat him. Tough love.

01:56 PM
When I came back into work, everyone was kinda silent. Guess they never saw street justice handed out before. Think Nosey called the Honcho.

01:58 PM
Might get a promotion when the big wigs hear about how I defended work from a violent street animal. Maybe even a medal of honor.

02:43 PM
Ken just asked me if I was pumped for Prince Fielder in Detroit. That's what Peanut meant. Thought he meant purple Prince. Oh no, you guys.

02:45 PM
I gotta get home. Gonna go all out for big celebraish. Chips, dips, cold ones, top shelf whatever crap Peanut drinks. The works.

02:47 PM
After a violent situaish with your pals get out of hand, nothin' says, "I'm sorry about injuring you" like the gift of bold flavors.

02:57 PM
When Prince gets signed, it's time to party like it's 1999, you guys. Ha! D-Town. Bad Boy City, USA. Let's do this. Bless you boys.

Wed Jan 25 2012

01:13 PM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Got a late start. Peanut was asleep in the shower on this mornin fully clothed. Maybe how he does his 'dray?

01:27 PM
Went all out for the Prince Fielder signin celebraish. Dave made us play a game where you had to drink everytime Prince says 1999. Not good.

01:59 PM
Not sure if it was all the Mad Dog we pounded, but Peanut really does a good Prince impression. Makes you uncomfortable carnally.

02:04 PM
If you make other fellas uncomfortable with your carnal vibes, that's a good sign that babes are achin to get in the sack to see your moves.

08:02 PM
Dave said he's more into Adam Richmond than Guy Fieri. Thinks he's more "fearless." Dave has no idea what savoring cuisine is all about.

08:05 PM
Adam Richmond shovels in food like a retarded guy gettin tricked by kids at school to eat garbage for money. Guy Fieri is all about class.

08:16 PM
Alot of these corncobs today often confuse bein' "fearless" with "havin' a lack of pride or shame," you guys.

08:21 PM
I got nothin' against Adam Richmond. But sayin' he's better than Guy is like sayin' Bill Laimbeer is better than Michael Jordan.

Thu Jan 26 2012

10:38 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:53 AM
Weekend's pretty much wide open. Nothin' on tap yet. Be good to have a break before the big Super Bowl celebraish. Get my affairs in order.

12:05 PM
Still gotta send in my displeasures to Esquire magazine for making me suffer. I blame 'em for almost destroying my friendship with Dave.

12:07 PM
Dear Esquire, Captain Karl here. I know you probably thought you could just take a crap on my Dr. Pepper 10 review and I'd just go away.

12:09 PM
But that's not how I operate, kimosabe. See, when you got me all pumped for puttin me on your internet, I bet Dave a steak dinner that...

12:19 PM
...you'd give me the voice I deserve to have heard. When you didn't, I had to call him "King Dave" like some lowlife slave. Real degrading.

12:21 PM
Guess you just like to make assumptions about the little guy, Esquire. If you ain't part of the high fashion lifestyle, you don't count.

12:23 PM
I got news for you, Esquire. Real macho men like ol' Karl make this damn rock spin round and round. Real America. The truth and the light.

12:24 PM
I don't need to buy fashion, 'cause I style and profile. Kohl's does me just fine, with great value to boot. Nothin' wrong with savings.

12:25 PM
Tensions ran pretty high after you let me down. Peanut almost hit the bricks. Then I smashed Dave's face with a stunner. Then I...

12:26 PM
...accidentally stunned poor Peanut in the work parking lot. Why? You bent me outta shape and when I get bent outta shape, I'm...

12:27 PM
...gonna take my foot, turn that son've bitch sideways and shove it up somebody's ass. You're not here Esquire, so other asses it had to be.

12:29 PM
You owe ME an apology. You owe DAVE an apology. And you owe POOR HOMELESS PEANUT an apology. And don't think I don't...

12:30 PM
...know why you didn't run my Dr. Pepper 10 review. Has to be that Esquire is some no balls sissy mag that's in cahoots with no balls pops.

12:31 PM
And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Karl Welzein said so, ya piece of trash. Regards, Karl Welzein

11:08 PM
Really nothin' goin' on this weekend. Wonder what Ann's up to? Might have to reach out.

Fri Jan 27 2012

08:07 AM
Crap. Just woke up on the couch. Got up early and decided to run for Mickey D's breffest. Took out 2 McGriddles & 4 Browns, then crashed.

08:13 AM
If Mickey Ds sold breffest all day Wendy's & BK could kiss their butts goodbye. They probly shake in their shoes waitin for the day to come.

08:16 AM
Almost went bonkers on some babe for gettin' a Fruit 'n Yogurt Parfait at Mickey D's this mornin' til I saw her caboose. Had it goin on!

08:27 AM
Never felt bad about eatin' a hearty breffest at Mickey D's. Goes right through you. It's when they use the finest all natural ingredients.

08:30 AM
Told the Mickey D's babe that their breffest is good for digestion. Keeps the body tight. I'm a healthzone man myself. She played it cool.

08:32 AM
Brought Dave & Peanut a couple of Mickey D's browns. If you get up early for Mickey D's breffest and don't, you're a real piece of trash.

08:33 AM
Wonder what that babe's name was? Might have to start hangin' out at Mickey D's in the AM. Show her I'm a go getter.

08:35 AM
If you get up early enough for Mickey D's breffest and don't get Mickey D's breffest, then you may as well just stay in bed, you guys.

01:01 PM
"I am a real American, Friday night rocks for every man!" Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

10:17 PM
Took 'er easy tonight. Just kicked back with a dozen cold ones, 4 turkey cheese un-burgs, Guy, and the Triple D crew. Nice to recharge.

10:19 PM
Gonna hit the sack. No word from Ann yet. She's probably worried she looks too fat to see me. Gals, am I right? Maybe hit her up in the AM.

10:22 PM
Can't stop thinkin' about that breffest babe at Mickey D's with the rockin' caboose. If only Ann knew my options, she'd ring back pronto.

Sat Jan 28 2012

12:09 PM
Woke up extra early to hit Mickey D's. No sign of that babe with the rockin caboose. Just kept orderin McGriddles until 10am.

12:15 PM
Was stuffed and sleepy from all those McGriddles. Took a snooze in the 'Bring. Woke up with a case of the Mickey D's breffest emergency bms.

12:23 PM
Rushed back in Mickey D's. Had to get it on. Mens was locked so I went in the gals. The natural McGriddle ingredients were ready to explode.

12:32 PM
Right when I hovered over the gal pee splatter and let loose with a power move, rockin' caboose walked in and my world went black, you guys.

12:33 PM
Tried to keep it cool when I snuck out of Mickey D's, but I'm pretty sure rockin' caboose saw me. You could smell my shame over the fries.

12:37 PM
Once a babe catches you blowin' out a post McGriddle backdoor explosion in the gal's john, it's game over in the carnal passions department.

Sun Jan 29 2012

10:19 AM
Dave tried to wake me up for church this mornin'. Always does that when he's feelin' down or did somethin' wrong. So selfish.

10:21 AM
Guess Peanut went with Dave to church 'cause he promised donuts afterwards. Came home with a sack of day olds. What a scam. I'm no sucker.

10:24 AM
The only way The Big Man respects prayin' is if you go to church for no reason or on Christmas. Goin' just 'cause your sad looks weak.

10:26 AM
Every Sunday, I say an Our Father & a Hail Mary when I'm takin' my mornin' break on the john. If that ain't enough, then I can't help ya.

10:29 AM
Sure, I hope there's a Heaven. I also hoped the Lions would get to the Superbowl. Just 'cause you want somethin' don't guarantee it's true.

11:19 AM
Believin' in Heaven is just a safety net so seconds before nobodies die they can think, "I didn't amount to crap. Glad there's overtime."

11:38 AM
Live life like there's NO Heaven. Get the job done now. Go all out. The works. The Big Man won't ask you to the dance if you look desperate.

09:25 PM
Just finished a whole super size bag of Munchies. Dave bet me 5 bucks I couldn't do it. Idiot. They're called, "Munchies." It was no prob.

09:29 PM
Slow, all day snackin' keeps it in the healthzone. And the variety in Munchies is a boldstravaganza. Never gets old in your mouth, you guys.

09:35 PM
Feel accomplished today. Got some rest, helped Peanut with some ideas he wants to send to Penthouse Forum & ate a whole SS bag of Munchies.

09:37 PM
Peanut has some real raunchy tales of steamy passions from way back. Some are kinda disturbing. Had to edit out of few for Penthouse.

09:40 PM
Wonder if there's a Penthouse Soul Forum or somethin'? Peanut's erotic fiction might be better for urban brothers. Alot of it's in jive.

09:43 PM
Told Peanut that Penthouse Forum is a tough nut to crack. Gettin' published is hard, but I'd type up his letter tomorrow at work to send.

09:56 PM
Dave said, "Dag, Peanut, you used work out your 'rection on all the horny ho-bags!" I don't have the words. Night's ruined. Goin to bed now.

Mon Jan 30 2012

12:50 PM
Workin on Peanut's Penthouse Forum letter. Real "adults only." Is "Fine bitch's coochie was hella stank" offensive to urban readers?

01:08 PM
When I finish this up, might have to have Vernon give it a look. See if it gives him a carnal hunger from the soul brother point of view.

05:14 PM
Told Peanut I'm havin' problems with his Penthouse Forum letter. Don't get half the jive words he uses and everything's about "bitches."

05:16 PM
Told Peanut if he wants me to help him, he has to compromise a little. Let me bring some K-Money swag into the romance department.

05:24 PM
Maybe you can say stuff like "layin' the pipe" in Hustler, but we're talkin PENTHOUSE here. It's for gentlemen who crave tasteful erotics.

Tue Jan 31 2012

07:46 AM
Think I finally got Peanut's Penthouse Forum letter to be good. We both don't fully agree on it and there were almost some tears shed.

07:49 AM
When a white and a black homeless come together for an erotic tale of carnal desires, there's bound to be creative differences, you guys.

08:00 AM
When you're writin' somethin' on behalf of a black, you gotta keep it real. But not so real that whites can't enjoy it. Like on Martin.

08:20 AM
Alotta whites are just scared of blacks 'cause they're loud with mad swag. Never understood that. I say, turn up the fun volume on equality.

08:24 AM
The worst racists are poor whites. Probably 'cause they know when it comes down to hustlin' for scraps with poor blacks, they're gonna lose.

08:32 AM
Black or white, all peoples mostly just want a few cold ones, a couple laughs, and some 'za. Supreme. America. You & me. It's not so hard.

08:48 AM
Don't know where Vernon is. Left him Peanut's "Sheila's Shell Station Fill Up" letter to Penthouse for notes. Hope he digs the erotic soul.

02:54 PM
Guess Vernon didn't appreciate Peanut's Penthouse Forum letter I left him. I know 'cause he said, "Yo Karl, I don't appreciate this shit."

03:58 PM
Asked Vernon if he'd have a soul bro to bro with Peanut 'bout how to bring more romantic carnality to his erotic fiction game.

04:12 PM
Vernon said, "You don't get it Karl. You can't be leavin' me nasty ass stories around at my job. What the hell is this!? Who Peanut, Karl!?"

04:15 PM
"Coochie drippin' like off the chain bold flavor BBQ? Got her thick 'n rich cocoa booty all up in the Shell Station sink on my jimmy?!"

04:18 PM
"Sheila was goin' buckwild for a taste of my Don Cornelius & the Soul Train dancers?!" What kinda sick bullshit goin' on at your crib Karl?!

04:25 PM
And what the hell with the part where, "Then trick ass Sheila big breasts hit me in the face like Jello Puddin', you guys?!" I don't want...

04:28 PM
...no part of ya'll's horny freak club, Karl. Stay away from me. You nasty. Sick of you. You get me laid off Imma bust yo ass.

04:37 PM
It's badass Vernon thinks we have a real player situation at the crib, but Peanut's gonna be disappointed that he didn't like his letter.

04:42 PM
It's just a stereotype that all blacks get their jimmys hyped up for erotic pleasures from the same adult tales of passion, you guys.

Wed Feb 01 2012

11:43 AM
Finally finished Peanut's letter to Penthouse forum. Still don't think it's up to their standards. Too raunchy. Might be too "street."

12:02 PM
Peanut got steamed when I told him I couldn't send it in to Penthouse. Told him we'd just put it on Craigslist instead and it was the same.

12:02 PM
If there's one thing homeless people don't know, it's the difference between Penthouse Forum, and Craigslist, you guys.

12:09 PM
Showed Peanut his Penthouse Forum letter on Craigslist. He said, oh snap! I made the internet, K-Money?! World wide! Nice to see him smile.

12:17 PM
Guess Peanut's letter to Penthouse DID turn out pretty swag. Not for me, but I don't judge. http://t.co/TOgXgp7G

01:58 PM
Checked if Peanut got any bites on his Craigslist Penthouse letter. Looks like it got taken down. Must be a glitch. Kinda steamed.

02:21 PM
Put Peanut's Craigslist Penthouse ad back up. Left a note with it so they know he's genuine about gettin' published: http://t.co/019h7Y28

09:34 PM
Whoa. Just saw Don Cornelius murdered himself. Weird that Peanut was just talkin' about him yesterday. Maybe Peanut has special powers?

09:36 PM
Maybe it's the Crown & Diets talkin', but the curse of Peanut might be a real thing. Might have to take advantage.

09:40 PM
Real sad about Don Cornelius. He brought the world of soul from the inner city night clubs right into your home where it's safe.

09:41 PM
Pretty sure I bought The Best of Soul Train collection last year. Wonder where it is? Gonna call Ann, see if she's seen it anywhere.

09:48 PM
Ann didn't pick up. Callin' back. Hope she didn't throw out my Best of Soul Train DVDs. They're probably worth a ton of money now.

10:00 PM
Goddamnit Ann. This is IMPORTANT. A beloved man is gone and I need my Soul Train DVDs to commemorate him by. Callin' back.

10:05 PM
Makin' another C&D to toast Don C with Peanut. Double soul. Pourin' a little out for the main man. It's the Soooooouul Train!

10:15 PM
Gettin' hammered with Peanut. It's the right thing to do. Bet no other white people from work are respectin Don C right now. Had to step up.

10:43 PM
Callin' Ann. Sick of this.

Thu Feb 02 2012

11:11 AM
If Peanut can make people kill themself by talkin' about them like Don Cornelius, we should have a big discussion about Jerry Sandusky.

11:12 AM
I've anyone deserves a barrel in their mouth, it's Jerry Sandusky, NOT the guy who brought us the joy of Soul Train, you guys. Ain't right.

11:14 AM
Jerry Sandusky'll like burning in hell. They probably have really hot showers for his shenanigans.

02:30 PM
Really lookin' forward to the Super Bowl weekend, you guys.

04:21 PM
Pretty long message from Ann on the answering machine. Says I called 27 times last night about Soul Train. Number seems kinda high.

04:26 PM
Ann wants a call back pronto when I get her message. Guess she wants to have a talk in person. Worried she threw out my Soul Train DVDs.

05:04 PM
If Ann threw out my Best of Soul Train, I'm gonna be so steamed. Gonna make her sweat it out before I call back.

Fri Feb 03 2012

09:45 AM
Happy Friday, you guys. Really draggin'. Stayed up late with Peanut watchin' Soul Train clips on the internet.

09:49 AM
Woke up & Peanut was watchin' this over and over: http://t.co/WrOs4o2G Teary eyed, he said, "why everything get so f*cked up K-Money?"

09:52 AM
Told Peanut, except for the bold flavor revolution, everything in this country seems to move backwards sometimes, you have LOOK for good.

09:59 AM
Always thought Nickelback were corncobs til Dave told me they do the WWE Raw theme. That song rocks. Gotta keep an open mind to new things.

10:11 AM
Told Peanut, I don't LIKE Nickelback but I'll rock Burn It To The Ground when I'm real pumped to party in the 'Bring. Gotta take advantage.

10:16 AM
Folks that say everything sucks now are just lazy. It takes a Indiana Jones to be the first man to try Mango Hab wings. Macho trailblazin.

10:21 AM
Good taste comes down to your filter. When I get a new rock tee from Kohls, I only get the BEST one, not 10 of 'em & water down my 'drobe.

10:51 AM
A good song's a good song. A good tee's a good tee. A good flick's a good flick. People like to write off fun stuff just to look smart.

10:57 AM
Remember Ken gave me crap for seein Transformers 3. Yeah? Guess what? Like that'll matter when we're both dead. I like explosions. So sorry.

10:59 AM
I have a dream there'll come a day when all these hotshots'll stop actin' like they're too good for McRibs, cold ones, and rock n roll.

12:26 PM
Started on my Super Bowl Celebraish 2012 shoppin' list. #1: Plenty of ice. No one wants a bathwater Crown & Diet.

12:28 PM
SBCSL 2012- #2: Cold ones. Good variety. Never know when your taste'll change when you're a 12 pack deep. Might need a bold flavor brew.

12:30 PM
SBCSL 2012- #3: Shrimp platter. For VIPs only. No "friends of friends." Kind of an unwritten rule but it's best to make a sign to be safe.

12:33 PM
SBCSL 2012- #4: Lil' Smokies. Real crowd pleaser. Have to get the Crock Pot outta Dave's room. Don't know what he does with it in there.

12:37 PM
SBCSL 2012- #5: Full chip spread. 'Ritos, Ruffles, 'Tos, Yuns, Rinds, Scoops. No store brand. The works.

12:44 PM
Nothin' says, "I could give a crap if you're at my home" like store brand snacks. Just spend your time alone if you wanna have no class.

07:32 PM
SBCSL 2012- #6: Fixins' for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship Dip. The bold flavors you crave from a supreme 'za all in 1 dip from the Italian seas.

07:53 PM
Legend has is that Italian sailors didn't have ovens to cook dough. Cravin' 'za, they made Pizza Dip. Captain Karl keeps that tradish alive.

07:56 PM
"Captain Karl's has the bold flavors you crave on his all new Bold Cravors menu." Gotta put that in my CKPS notebook for later.

07:59 PM
Got a buttload a cold ones for the Super Celebraish. Couldn't fit nothin else in the cart. Told Dave we could have a few if he replaces em.

08:01 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys. Goin' down so smooth.

Sat Feb 04 2012

12:33 PM
Me Dave & Peanut really put a dent in the cold ones that were s'posed to be for the Super Celebraish. Probably shouldn't've bought em early.

12:44 PM
Was steamed we drank too many cold ones. Peanut said, "Why you mad K-Money? That's how we do this shit!" Peanut's smarter than you'd think.

12:46 PM
Peanut's right. That IS how we do this shit. Never feel bad about drinkin' the cold ones. There is no "too many." They'll make more. USA.

12:50 PM
If you wanna have a rockin Super Bowl Celebraish, ya gotta tear it up the Fri & Sat before. Go all out. You play how you practice, you guys.

01:05 PM
Dave just had a great idea. Is it ok to drink cold ones while you shop for cold ones? They sell cold ones, it's indoors, so must be legal.

01:07 PM
Feelin' REAL good today! Super pumped for the Super Bowl Celebraish. Gonna pound a few and hit the store to restock.

01:24 PM
Somedays there ain't nothin' that can stop you. And ain't nothin wrong with simple rock n roll that makes ya feel good. http://t.co/TeKpC3AY

05:03 PM
Some kid in the dairy section tried to give me & Dave crap bout drinkin' cold ones in the store. They were in koozies and brought from home!

05:05 PM
When I go to the grocery store every other wideload mom is suckin' down a coffee drink from outside, why can't I have a cold beer from home?

05:07 PM
Dave told that dairy kid to shut his mouth and know his role, then pounded a beer in his face. It was harsh, but deserved. He went Davecore.

05:11 PM
The manager got all up in our face when I was gettin' my Pizza Dip fixins'. Already finished our cold ones. Told him WE were bein' harassed.

05:13 PM
Grocery manager asked why we had koozies if we weren't drinkin' beers. I said, "Dunno, why do cowboys have holsters, corncob?"

05:15 PM
When you're right about something, and someone won't budge, it's ok to lie right to their face. Either that or open up a can of whuppass.

05:19 PM
Told the grocery store manager that Karl 3:16 says we'll be takin' our business elsewhere. Really shut that bag of crap down.

06:21 PM
Gotta prep my Captain Karl's Pizza Dip before I get too bombed in preparin' to get bombed at the celebraish tomorrow, you guys.

06:22 PM
Captain Karl's Pizza Dip: This dish is sure to please at any Super Bowl Celebraish. Kicked up with bold supreme 'za flavors, you don't...

06:27 PM
...have to be a dirty guido sailor to score a touchdown in the endzone of the 7 seas. CK'sPD'll get ya flagged for an excessive celebraish!

06:30 PM
Captain Karl's Supreme Pizza Dip: 1 package of cream cheese. Plenty of chopped 'roni. 2 cups of mozz'. Black & green olives. Some...

06:33 PM
...chopped sweet onion, 1 fine diced clove of garlic (kicks it up off the chain), a jar of whatever PIZZA sauce (not 'ghetti), and...

06:36 PM
...some browned & crumbled spicy italian sausage. I likes to add a few dashes of Frank's. So money. Layer it all in a Pyrex...

06:38 PM
...top with parm & hot shakey pepps. Bake at 375 til it's done. Don't be stupid about it. You'll be able to tell. I serve that bad boy...

06:40 PM
...with Frito's Scoops. They can handle the bold situaish. And if ya wanna hit it with some ranch before servin', I ain't gonna stop ya.

Sun Feb 05 2012

10:24 AM
Super Bowl Sunday Celebraish 2012. All hands on deck! Let's roll, you guys.

11:39 AM
Crap, still haven't rang Ann back. Gotta get that outta the way so it doesn't interrupt the big day. She can be thoughtless sometimes.

11:50 AM
Heard Madonna's rollin' out her old beefers for the halftime gig. Hope she does Lucky Star. Real funky. Big shout out to beautiful Bay City.

12:22 PM
Gonna make up a batch of Top Shelf Margs (special recipe) to really "kick off" the celebraish. Ha! Makin em double special, you guys. (wink)

12:59 PM
The Super Bowl is the most important holiday of the year. It's for ALL Americans, not like Christmas. Today, we rock as one, you guys.

01:00 PM
We're gonna burn it to the ground tonight!

01:03 PM
Crap, gotta go ring Ann before these margs kick in.

03:02 PM
Finally got off the phone with Ann. Said she's filing for divorce. Good riddance. Nothin's gonna ruin today. NOTHIN.

03:12 PM
Women like to time bad news like "Filin for divorce" to ruin things like the Super Bowl. I'll show her. Take the celebraish off the chain!

03:19 PM
America, you guys. Take your goddamn hats off for this beautiful lady.

03:41 PM
Budweiser Platinum has "Top Shelf Taste." Might have to check it out. Too bad they made a vampire commersh for 12 year old girls.

03:44 PM
Whoa, Peanut sure looks alot like that Flavor Flavor buffoon. Might have to take advantage. Celebs get all the primo babes.

04:40 PM
Man, watchin' the Super Bowl just feels so much better knowin' I'm free from the ol' ball & chain. Single & ready to mingle, you guys.

04:53 PM
Dave's breakin' out a little grass from his "secret stash." Really kick up the halftime to the next level. Peanut's raisin' the roof.

04:56 PM
Peanut's real steamed we don't have any grape blunts. Guess it's an old street secret from the brothers. Sounds like a bold flavor situaish.

05:13 PM
Madonna is one foxy grandma, you guys.

05:15 PM
Thank god for the mute button. Madonna looks way better when she's singin' Stranglehold. No Lucky Star? No thank you.

05:22 PM
Holy shit. Clint Eastwood givin' all us proud Americans a feel good on Detroit. On America. I just don't have the...you guys. God bless us.

05:47 PM
At the end of this game, it won't be the Pats or the Giants who win. It's already Detroit, MI. Clint Eastwood, MVP.

06:11 PM
Dave said, "Shot contest. Whoever wins is the best American. Clint Eastwood style." So stupid. Gonna clean his clock though.

06:29 PM
3 to 3.

06:44 PM
6 to 4. I must break Dave. Ther's no easy way out. There's no short cutr home in a shot contest, you gusy

06:54 PM
9 to 6! Dave's abarfed! I won it. I woen the shots! Ha! Caue stone Cold Karal Welzein said so!!

06:56 PM
Gointo Ann's gonna set her straight on who's the man. Gotta style and profile like nevr beifore.,

Mon Feb 06 2012

01:31 PM
Didn't bother goin' to work. Probably dead there. It's pretty much an unwritten rule that Super Bowl Monday is really Sunday this week.

01:32 PM
If you went to work today, man, you gotta be one of the biggest kiss asses in town, pal.

01:38 PM
Woke up in the neighbor's Grand Am this mornin. Guess I tossed my cookies. Could've already been there though? It was unlocked.

01:43 PM
If you black out & puke in someone else's car instead of your own, that shows you have the self protective instinct of an alpha male.

02:01 PM
Orderin' an Papa's fave from Papa J's. Get that in me and a few patch it up cold ones. No need to feel like death when there's a simple fix.

02:09 PM
Super Bowl Monday is the time when we reflect on how blessed we are to live in a country where you can live so hard that you wanna die.

05:16 PM
Told Dave he could have a slice of my Papa J's. He took one & put it in his dresser. Wanna say somethin, but I'm just gonna let it go.

05:18 PM
Really lookin' forward to the single life, you guys. I've been holdin back on the babe front cause of Ann, but not anymore. It's nasty time.

06:00 PM
Divorced? It's just halftime, America. I can't be knocked out with one punch. I'll get right back up again...

06:01 PM
...and when I do, babes all around the world are gonna hear the roar of my engine.

Tue Feb 07 2012

02:23 PM
I couldn't give any less of a crap about today even if I owned the tiniest toilet in the world, you guys.

04:52 PM
Ann rang. Supposed to meet with her "lawyer" later this week. Can't wait you see who this ambulance chaser is. Gotta shut him down.

04:57 PM
Where'd Ann even get a lawyer from anyway? From the back of that Good Friends toilet explosion cereal? This'll be a laugh.

05:03 PM
When that sucker in a 3 piece gets a whiff of my swag, he'll be shakin' in his shoes. Can't wait to get it on.

Wed Feb 08 2012

09:21 AM
Whoa, just hit me. Maybe Ann only filed for divorce so she could get my attention for Valentimes Day? Makes sense now. She must be hard up.

09:30 AM
Valentimes Day is a load. Tells babes that carnal passions are a once a year trade for crap. For me romance is a 24/7, 365 situaish.

09:36 AM
Might go all out for Valentimes. Show Ann what she's gonna miss. This K-Money swag doesn't grow on trees. Might get her somethin' from Kay.

10:59 AM
"Every kiss begins with Kay" sounds like it was written by that prostitute who screwed over Richard Gere for the big bucks. Pretty sad.

11:29 AM
Kay, Zales & Jared are all basically tellin your sweetie they're worthless unless they get a piece of junk in exchange for carnal pleasures.

11:32 AM
"Every prostitute begins with Kay." It's a gateway drug to takin' your pants off for anything worth money. Protect the children, you guys.

01:52 PM
Supposed to meet Ann & her chump lawyer on Friday. Goin to do some 'shups in the john. Always go into war with your guns blazin', you guys.

Thu Feb 09 2012

10:12 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

10:32 AM
Nosey Lady said that the head honcho is comin in tomorrow & wants to sit down for our guy to guy. Told her I have to meet Ann for divorce.

10:34 AM
Nosey said, "Oh Karl, I'm so sorry! I didn't know you were having a split, it explains alot." She musta noticed how much more swag I got.

10:37 AM
Guess Nosey went through a breakup last year. Said we should have a talk and that she'd reschedule Honcho for Monday so I have more time.

10:49 AM
Guess divorce kinda gets you sympathy even if you're macho about it behind the scenes. Might have to drag it out. Gotta take advantage.

11:02 AM
Whether you're goin through a death, divorce, or explosive diarrhea, people either try & relate or just look the other way. Both are polite.

12:36 PM
Why don't toilets have little "rearview" mirrors so you can see how you're doin' on the clean up situaish? It'd be so plush. Real high end.

06:27 PM
Made a prototype post-bm cleanup mirror. I call it "The Backdoor Reflector." Dave saw it and freaked out. He's not comfortable with his bod.

06:38 PM
Gettin' my outfit together for the meeting with Ann & the lawyer tomorrow. Wearin' my Maui Jims. Gotta style & profile.

06:41 PM
Thinkin' about cuttin' the sleeves off my dress shirt so when my sport coat comes off, it's like, "bam." Classy, yet intimidating.

06:49 PM
Can't wait for Ann to see me in action when I get down to biz with her divorce lawyer. My power moves'll have her thinkin' twice.

07:04 PM
If you want a babe to crave you carnally, you gotta shut down whoever she has in her hero position. Shows you're the dominant predator.

Fri Feb 10 2012

07:27 PM
Been out celebratin' at 'Bees. Really shut that lawyer down. When I showed up he said to Ann, "Are you serious?" He knew he was toast.

07:33 PM
Ann's lawyer said his name was "Darren." Asked if that was a girl's name. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. Idiot.

07:36 PM
Made sure to leave my Maui Jims on. Shows that you don't respect another man enough to let him see your eyes. It's an Arabian power move.

09:15 PM
When Darren asked if I'd like some water, I got out my pocket cold one. Told him, "Sorry, I have a MAN'S thirst, Darren." BOLD power move.

09:18 PM
Ann told me, "Stop it, Karl. You're embarrassing yourself." Then I took off my sportcoat and, BAM, sleeveless dress shirt. Checkmate, Ann.

09:22 PM
When you go into an offish meeting with a 'rang, rockin' pony, a sleeveless dress shirt, & Maui Jim shades, everyone else better pucker up.

09:26 PM
When Darren tried to start with his legal crap, it was time to play hardball. The Walkman came out & my Whitesnake tape slid in. POWER move.

09:29 PM
I timed it just right to the most rockin' part of Still of The Night, crushed my Busch, tossed in the the corner and told Ann...

09:32 PM
...if you wanna get dirty, we can do it one on one. But I ain't hearin' crap from no corncob lawyer in a lady's purple blouse.

09:34 PM
I'm Captain Karl, The Mayor of Bad Boy City, USA. NEVER forget, you guys.

09:36 PM
I musta sat in the 'Bring for 45 minutes crankin' Still of The Night over and over. So pumped. When Ann and that Darren...

09:36 PM
...piece of trash came out, I gave him the cut your throat sign and peeled out. Hit a curb, but still, pretty badass.

09:38 PM
Had to get it on, so I hit 'Bees for a one man celebraish. Bought some babes 5 or 6 rounds. They had to split, but I made a sweet impresh.

09:39 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now.

09:49 PM
If you time a power move to 3:57 in Still of The Night by Whitesnake, it's like touchin' the hand of God, and anything is possible.

Sat Feb 11 2012

12:48 PM
It's colder than a witch's chest beefer outside. Gonna settle in with a 12 piece Busch for some well earned slow sippin'.

12:51 PM
Dave says we should go on Spring Break this year. Myrtle Beach? Panama City? Daytona? Might be what the doctor ordered. Could use some R&R.

Sun Feb 12 2012

04:24 PM
Heard that Whitney Houston babe passed on. Guess she was a doper. Pretty sad. Wish I coulda done somethin'.

04:36 PM
Maybe all Whitney Houston needed was a heart to heart over a coupla cold ones. Sometimes we all need a nudge towards the health zone.

04:38 PM
Heard it all went downhill for Whitney Houston when she hooked up with that one bozo who likes to pee on babes.

04:56 PM
Now's the time for everyone to band together for the children. Teach them to stick to cold ones and let them lead the way, you guys.

08:39 PM
Big meetin' tomorrow with the head honcho. Ridin' high after shuttin' that lawyer down. Time to style & profile like never before.

08:40 PM
If you're gonna make everyone eat your dust, the least you can do is kick it up with bold flavors, you guys.

Mon Feb 13 2012

06:07 PM
Had quite a day with the head honcho. Havin' a guy to guy is how business gets done. Might be movin' up the ranks.

06:17 PM
Head honcho wanted to meet at Chili's. Said I was on a break from there 'cause of "The Peener." Gave him a nod. Could tell he heard of it.

06:18 PM
The Peener must be really sweepin' the nation. He didn't even ask me about it. Gotta start lookin' for it in music videos.

06:22 PM
Told Head Honcho that the move lately has been to hit up 'Bees. Maybe the lunch crowd babes could feel our power moves.

06:28 PM
Lunch was on work so I got the 2 for 20 'Bees combo for 1. Gotta take advantage. Maximizin your dollar shows leadership skills.

06:32 PM
Head honcho said they were thinkin' about movin' me on 'til Nosey Lady told him 'bout the split with Ann. Said it explained alot.

06:34 PM
Never thought about it, but I guess Ann really held me back. Don't blame 'em. No one wants a married snooze around. Makes sense.

06:39 PM
Started tellin' Honcho about how I was in a real groove. About Peanut. CKPS. All the babes on my jock. The works.

06:42 PM
After Honcho head my story, he seemed kinda sad, like his life was a steamer. Joined me in a Main St.'Rita. They go down so smooth.

06:46 PM
Think my story could help folks. Might have to show someone this crap when I get to the top. Really inspired the Head Honcho to rock.

06:51 PM
Head Honcho musta had 6 Main St. 'Ritas. Told him we should slow down, but he just kept lookin' at me sad. Had to be strong and encouraging.

06:55 PM
Told Honcho we should go to Paddy's. Keep the guy to guy goin as an all day celebraish. Had to help him to the 'Bring.

06:57 PM
Honcho kept sayin' "I'm sorry Karl. Not supposed to drink." Ha! Looked like he knew what he was doin' so I got out some trunk liquor.

07:00 PM
After we had a few shots at Paddy's, told Honcho I'd take him back to work, but he'd have to find his own ride to 'Bees. I'm not a taxi.

07:03 PM
Can't wait to rub it in Nosey Lady's face how the Honcho is my new main man. He even called her a pigout! Gonna drop the bomb.

07:05 PM
Anytime you have a guy to guy that ends in a possible physical illness, you know a real bond has been created for life, you guys.

08:19 PM
Super pumped for the Valentimes Day celebraish. You never know what lonely babes have urges for last second carnal passions.

08:23 PM
Wearin' my red silk shirt tomorrow. So plush. Mad swag. It's got a couple stains, but you can hardly see 'em. Can't get rid of "Lucky Red."

08:26 PM
Haven't gotten out "Lucky Red" for a few years. Wasn't really any point with "Dead End Ann" ridin' the love breaks. Could clean up tomorrow.

Tue Feb 14 2012

09:55 AM
Guess the Head Honcho might be in hot water. Nosey Lady said he came back to work & puked. Vernon and Ken had to carry him outta the john.

09:58 AM
It's a real shame. Honcho might have a drinkin' problem. Hope he gave me the thumbs up before he vomited and passed out like a slob.

10:03 AM
Brought my jam box to work. Settin the tone with some carnal grooves. Dave let me borrow his Atlantic Starr tape. Gotta make it special.

10:06 AM
Ken gave me crap bout my red silk shirt. Keeps lookin at my guy nips and sayin, Turkey's Done. Assclown. It's SUPPOSED to be sheer & erotic.

10:42 AM
Made myself a nice shoe box mail box for Valentime's. Says, "Captain Karl's Erotic Post Office. Insert the love!" Ha! (Just some guy humor.)

10:46 AM
Wonder what Ann's up to. Might be a good day to have "one for the road." Don't wanna jump the gun though. Gonna farm team her til late nite.

10:51 AM
On Valentime's, there's sad ol chest beefers just achin for passion from coast to coast. Gotta hold out for premium taste. Can't get greedy.

12:01 PM
No one gave me a Valentime yet. Not ONE. Turnin' up "Always." Undoin' another button on Lucky Red. Goin' to the john to re-'logne.

12:32 PM
Came back from my re-'logne & a quick grunt. Had a Valentime in my Erotic Post Office. No name on it. Just says "Chin Up, Karl. Bless you."

12:34 PM
Hmm, "Chin up. Bless you?" Could be carnal innuendo. Sort of a Madonna taboo thing. Either way, the heat is on.

12:41 PM
Gonna go hang out by the 'Bring. Maybe have some trunk liquor. Really let my erotic vibes air out. Pits are soakin my red silk like a demon.

05:15 PM
Work didn't do crap for Valentime's. Even had to stay the whole day. So stupid. People need time to rev up for erotic redline fantasies.

05:21 PM
Hair dried the pits on my silk shirt. Headin out with Dave to hunt down only the finest lonely sea wenches. Might get hot n heavy.

Wed Feb 15 2012

01:03 PM
Last night pretty much rocked. Had to sleep at work though. Still wearin my red silk shirt. Spilled nachos on it so at least I look partied.

01:18 PM
Dave wore his "I have a heart on for you" tee. Such a classic. Babes are always like, "WHAT?!" Really gets a convo goin.

01:26 PM
We hit up Paddy's first and I gotta say, the babes were top shelf. You could smell the bold flavor of desire in the air. Real premium.

01:34 PM
Me and Dave bee lined right to a pair of babes with hungry man chest beefers. Over a pound of food. I took the lead, Maverick style.

01:35 PM
I broke the ice with, "You babes ready to rock tonight or are you easy listening?" Then Dave pointed at his "I have a heart on" tee.

01:43 PM
I ordered a round of romance with trainin wheels. You could tell these babes were thirsty for love 'cause there was no time for thank yous.

01:53 PM
I puked my first shot into my mouth but got it back down the hatch. Could tell the babes were impressed. Power move. Might do it more often.

02:02 PM
After I paid their tab, the babes had to split. Said we could party another time but they were havin' gals night. Gotta respect the ladies.

02:50 PM
Hmmm...can't remember those babes names. Dave said he memorized their number. Wrote it down under, "Succulent Chest Beefers."

08:55 PM
Still don't know how I woke up at work today. Kinda confused. Nice to imagine the possibilities though.

09:07 PM
If ya black out from booze, but wake up covered in nachos, it lets you know everything was a-ok. Nothin bad happens when you're eatin 'chos.

Thu Feb 16 2012

10:46 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:21 PM
Not feelin' so hot today, havin' alot of 'rrhea problems. Gonna eat a bunch of string cheese.

06:09 PM
SI Swimsuit Ish came today. Can almost see that Kate Upton babe's downstairs situaish on the cover. Racy, but you can tell she's all class.

06:12 PM
If you're gonna have a all night drippy backdoor problem, you couldn't ask for more than the new Swimsuit Ish. Plento of time to soak it in.

06:20 PM
Pg 102 of the Swimsuit Ish has a little somethin' special for the brothers. Oooo wee! Wish I could show Peanut. Don't know where he's been.

Fri Feb 17 2012

12:28 PM
Ann rang. Said she's "concerned" about my behavior and maybe I should see a therapist. I'M not concerned, so why would I see one? Stupid.

12:35 PM
Ann says she's been goin to therapy to deal with the divorce. She must be goin' bonkers missin' my touch. Wonder if the kids are in danger?

12:38 PM
When someone says they're "concerned" about you, it probably just means they're jealous of how hard you rock and can't stand your mad swag..

12:43 PM
Never believed in therapy. Heard the Sciencetologists use it to make people reverse gay. It's wrong to stop folks from struttin their stuff.

12:47 PM
The only therapist I talk to is Dr. Cold One, M.D. No appointment needed, you guys.

Sat Feb 18 2012

12:38 PM
Great. Guess Ann called my bro Al with her "concerned about me" bullcrap. SHE'S the one in therapy like some kook. Not me. Really steamed.

01:00 PM
If Ann wants to play hardball in the divorce, you can call me Batman. Just like that black teacher guy who beat up those kids for justice.

01:02 PM
If Ann tells any more people that I'm losin' my marbles, she's gonna be drivin' around with a smashed windshield. That's a fact.

01:05 PM
I'd never lay a hand on a woman. Not my style. But I'll destroy some property if I technically own it. It's legal and fair.

01:06 PM
Heard they let that Chris Brown buffoon still perform at the Grammy's even though he smacked around that babe. Real shame. No class.

01:08 PM
The only type of justice for guys who hit women is street justice. Plain & simple. Men have to stand up for the ladies. It's a carnal duty.

01:12 PM
If I could get my mitts on that Chris Brown piece of trash, I'd crush his face. Put him in the hospital for a few days on behalf of the USA.

01:16 PM
How has none of the rapper "gangsters" given Chris Brown an ass kickin? They ain't real men I guess. Hope I see him on the streets sometime.

01:19 PM
Alotta times, when guys hate women, it's 'cause they hate themselves 'cause they like guys but don't wanna admit it. Like Chris Brown.

01:21 PM
Hope someone beats the livin' hell outta Chris Brown before he comes out, 'cause then it's wrong to do. Gotta be tolerant, you guys.

Sun Feb 19 2012

02:35 PM
Just remembered tomorrow's President's Day! Gotta hoist a few cold ones for the Commander in Chief, you guys.

02:41 PM
I bet Barry O. is havin a blast this weekend. The Oval Office must be rockin.' Tons of eats, drinks, chips & dip. The works. Full spread.

02:44 PM
When you're the Prez, and it's YOUR day, man, I bet no carnal desire goes unfilled. Michelle probably goes all out. Maybe even a silk teddy?

03:00 PM
Can't believe I forgot tomorrow's a day off. Time to swear myself in as President of Cold One City, USA.

03:03 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Mon Feb 20 2012

01:26 PM
I feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

01:34 PM
The prez gives us the day off today for drinkin' on behalf of the USA. Usin' it for errands or some crap is real disrespectful.

01:54 PM
Makin' up a batch of Top Shelf 'Mericaritas. Bold Mexico flavors, born free attitude. Perfect for USA amigos.

02:09 PM
If your boss makes you go to work today, it's pretty much like takin' a big leak on all the president's graves or faces if they're not dead.

05:26 PM
On about our 6th pitcher of 'Mericaritas. Ran outta marg stuff. They're just Jim Beam & Squirt now. Gotta keep the celebraish rockin'!

05:30 PM
Jim Beam & Squirt is the perfect way to say, "Hey, WE'RE America, and if you don't like it you can smooch us where the sun don't shine."

05:32 PM
Jim Bean & Squirt; it's the 'Mericarita. Smuggle some into your house today. No hot & dirty van necessary.

07:41 PM
Dave jsut said he's prbably better at basketball than me, he's stupid gonna wanna punch is faec!

Tue Feb 21 2012

10:28 AM
Hurtin' real bad today. President's day was a rough one. I bet Barry O. just wants to die. He probably went hardest for the celebraish.

10:40 AM
Feelin' REAL bad. Jim Beam & Squirt was goin' down too smooth. Slept on the kitchen floor. Neck's all pinched up. Hard to move and think.

10:47 AM
Forgot today was Fat Tuesday. Didn't wear beads or get paczkis. Really blew it. It's only once a year! Hate missin out. Need to be involved.

10:49 AM
Sick of this. I'm just too busy these days to remember every holiday. Work didn't even remind us on Friday. They're so inconsiderate.

10:51 AM
Screw it. Goin out for beads, paczki's, and a trunk liquor Slurpee. I'm pretty much the #1 partier at work. Gotta be responsible, you guys.

07:46 PM
Can't stop barfing. Feel so weak, you guys.

Wed Feb 22 2012

09:48 AM
Over did it yesterday. Drank 6 Slurpees with trunk liquor in the 7-11 parking lot. Fat Tuesday is all about showin respect to New Orleans.

09:50 AM
7-11 didn't have any paczki's, so I just loaded up on GO-GO Taquitos. They're full of meat, cheese, and awesome. Musta ate a thousand.

09:58 AM
Couldn't find beads, but I told some babes they could try on my chain for a sec in exchange for a beefer flash. Said no. Too cold I guess.

10:04 AM
Couldn't go back to work. Barfed in 7-11 goin for my 7th Slurp. Destroyed the nacho department. Was asked to leave. Was leavin anyway, Tito!

10:08 AM
Spent all night pukin my guts out. It's a Fat Tuesday tradish to honor the French Quarter which is basically a toilet/bar. Real convenient.

10:13 AM
Gotta get back on track after the holidays. Goin for salad & SIX mango habs for Wing Weds lunch. Alpha males sense when it's time to bod up.

05:40 PM
Went to BW3's 'cause I go their for Wing Wednesday. It's a special day I made up to help get me through the week with a little...

05:42 PM
...push. That's when I found out it was National Marg Day. I've been a Top Shelf Marg man from way back, so I had to get it on. Guess...

05:44 PM
...I had too many 'cause I woke up in my car at B-Dubs with it running. Missed another half day of work. Gotta figure some things out.

05:45 PM
...it's just not fair how many holidays have been lately. I gotta try harder. It's too much stress. But I can't miss out. I just feel...

05:46 PM
...like I'm losin' my grip. Gotta hold on kitty cat. Gotta write to remember. Cold ones to forget. Gonna kickass tomorrow. Get in shape.

05:49 PM
The works, full spread. Makin' another batch of Margs. Important. I can do it if I set my mind to the celebraish. So bold, bold flavors...

05:49 PM
, you guys.

Thu Feb 23 2012

09:44 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

09:54 AM
Got up early today. Took a 45 minute shower nap. Combines sleepin in with gettin up & at 'em. If you take a whizz too it's triple tasking.

10:01 AM
Got really inspired by that oriental hoops player. Guess he came outta nowhere from bein a deliver driver or something. Who knows?

10:07 AM
They gotta make a movie about Jeremy Rin. Have Jackie Chan play him with Chris Tucker as his bozo buddy. Could be hilarious WITH a message.

10:10 AM
I'd sure like to see a corncob like Kobe start crap with Jeremy Rin on the court. He show 'em some kung fu moves from the Chinatown streets.

10:15 AM
Who knows what other orientals are out there with sports talents? Gotta be open minded. Remember when blacks couldn't play baseball? So sad.

10:17 AM
My son plays most of his sports on Nintendo. Wonder if that's where Jeremy Rin got his smooth moves? Could be the next training craze.

10:19 AM
Ken says it's Jeremy "Lin," not "Rin." I TOLD Dave he was wrong about how to pronounce it. Been sayin it all day. Feel like a racist jerk.

Fri Feb 24 2012

12:15 PM
Im your Friday man, stop me when I'm passin by. Im your Friday man, stop me when I'm passin by. See all my weekend is guaranteed to satisfy!

12:16 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

12:27 PM
Picked up the new Van Halen album at Best Buy. Good to see the boys back together with Diamond Dave. Keepin it in my pocket. Looks badass.

12:30 PM
Might have to hit Paddy's later. Might be some babes there that'll wanna hear the new Van Halen in the 'Bring. Then it's Makeout City, USA.

12:35 PM
If a babe hears Diamond Dave's pipes after a few top shelf margs and still wants her top on, she probably ain't into guys. That's a fact.

12:38 PM
Sammy Hagar brings out the bold party vibe, but if you really want electric carnal passions, then it's Diamond Dave all the way, you guys.

12:41 PM
"Hey Karl, is that the new Van Halen album?!" Damn right. "Wow. I really hate that we're not listening to it in your car." Let's roll.

12:47 PM
If I'm talkin' to a babe, and she says she isn't into Van Halen? I give her the thumbs down and walk away. That's just a personal rule.

12:51 PM
If you hear Van Halen's "Somebody Get Me A Doctor" and don't wanna pound a thousand cold ones like a god, you better check your pulse.

03:06 PM
If there's one thing no one can judge you for, it's bein' a Van Halen man. Anyone who does is just a piece of trash.

03:09 PM
Can't wait to head out with my new Van Halen cd JUST peakin outta my pocket. It's a subtle power move that makes the babes crave your touch.

05:15 PM
Whoa, it's lent or some crap already?! Gonna hit Mickey D's for a Filet O Fish before headin out. Gotta take advantage. And it's respectful.

Sat Feb 25 2012

04:09 PM
Really hurtin. Stayed at Paddy's late fishin for babes with my new Van Halen cd. No bites. Don't understand. Are babes not into VH anymore?

04:13 PM
Was readin the Van Halen cd jacket in the 'Bring eatin my Filet O Fish. Got tartar sauce all over it. Pretty steamed. Might say somethin.

04:15 PM
How am I supposed to get a babe topless with a Van Halen cd covered in tartar sauce?! Kinda looks creepy. Mickey D's should be more careful.

04:19 PM
Van Halen cd WITHOUT tartar sauce on it = Mad swag, carnal passions, Chest Beefer City, USA. Covered in tartar sauce = Desperate & lonely.

04:29 PM
Gonna go back to Best Buy. Get a new Van Halen cd WITHOUT tartar sauce all over it. See if Mickey D's'll pay for it. Kinda their fault.

Sun Feb 26 2012

02:07 PM
Got pretty outta control last night. Some babes tricked me into gettin out my peener. Played it cool. They laughed but humor turns babes on.

02:09 PM
The babes told me to make a "bad boy pose" with my peener out and took a picture. I'm not professional model, but I did my best.

02:18 PM
Hope my peener pose pics don't get out. Don't wanna be known as the town playboy. I try to keep a classy vibe.

02:24 PM
If babes are takin pics of your peener, you're either doin somethin real right, or doin somethin real wrong. It's all perspective, you guys.

07:38 PM
Dave wants to watch The Oscars. We own Bad Boys II on DVD, Dave. Why would we watch that crap?

07:40 PM
Gonna put on the Oscars for a sec...yuck, gross babes. Who cares. Puttin' in Bad Boys II.

07:44 PM
If you own Bad Boys II on DVD, and you still have to sit through the Oscars, your gal must really have your sack nailed down, you guys.

Mon Feb 27 2012

10:54 AM
Goin back to Mickey D's today. Had to buy a second Van Halen cd to replace the one I got tartar sauce on. Gonna file a complaint.

02:33 PM
Really gave Mickey D's a piece of my mind. Told the manager they ruined my Van Halen cd jacket by over tartaring. It's a bold flavor foul.

02:36 PM
Told the Mickey D's manager I needed reimbursement for the other Van Halen cd I had to buy, pronto. And NOT in clown money.

02:37 PM
Mickey D's should be careful. If a coffee spill gave 'em hub bub in the rags, just think what a tartar sauce incident could do in USA Today.

02:40 PM
Don't think the Mickey D's manager understood how important my Van Halen cd is to carnal passions of the evening. Must be a solo specialist.

02:43 PM
That Mickey D's manager wouldn't know a power move if Diamond Dave spin kicked it in his face. So I told him that. Straight up. No mixer.

02:45 PM
Told the manager at Mickey D's if he sees any peener pics on the computer, it just might be yours truly, courtesy of a CLEAN Van Halen cd.

02:54 PM
Told that corncob how a defective lock on the ladies made rockin caboose walk in on my backdoor McGriddle fallout. He just stared at me.

02:56 PM
Got so steamed. Told him I'd be back on Friday for 2 for 3 FOF's out of respect for the Big Man, and there better be Van Halen bread waitin.

03:05 PM
If you manage a Mickey D's, chances are you don't know anything about power moves, Van Halen carnal passions, or peener pics, you guys.

Tue Feb 28 2012

10:35 AM
Guess Kid Rock is backin' up that Mitt Romney. Pretty much makes my choice a no brainer. Gotta stay informed, you guys.

10:39 AM
I usually skip over the politics, but when Kid Rock throws his hand in the ring, you know somethin heavy is goin on.

10:44 AM
Guess Mitt is goin head to head with that Rick Santorum guy. Hear he's a corncob. Just a hateful piece of trash.

10:46 AM
Heard Rick Santorum had carnal passions with a dog to prove a point about gay people. Don't think he understands how love works.

10:49 AM
'Course, I can't turn my back on the soul man Barry O. Seems racist. Guess I'll just decide if I make it out to the polls this year.

10:52 AM
Doin' some research on Rick Santorum. Whoa. Seems like he just hates anything that isn't white or Jesus. Definitely not a bold flavor man.

10:53 AM
I guess Rick Santorum is against abortion 'cause anyone who'd vote for him shoulda been one, you guys.

11:08 AM
Just wish they'd get on with a Springsteen/Seger party ticket so the USA could finally rock as one, forever and ever.

Wed Feb 29 2012

10:33 AM
Had Mickey D's for breffest. Really stared the manager down. You gotta let people know problems don't go away just 'cause they ignore 'em.

10:37 AM
Woke Dave up for Mickey D's. He said "Breakfast is for old people & little kids." So is not havin a job and pickin your butt all day, Dave.

10:40 AM
Guess Mitt won the mitten. Love me some Barry O., but it'd sure be sweet to see Kid Rock performin in the oval office.

10:41 AM
If Mitt Romey is pals with Kid Rock, and Kid Rock is pals with Guy Fieri, maybe Guy could be Secretary of Bold Flavors? That'd be so money.

10:44 AM
Goin back to Mickey D's again tomorrow. Give the manager the "gimme moolah or I'll cut your throat" sign. Come Friday, he'll fork it over.

10:55 AM
Gonna grunt out a McGriddle premie to make room for Mango Habs. Shouldn't be a problem. McGriddles usually make a mad dash for the backdoor.

12:27 PM
If a presidential candidate really wants to win, don't promise lower taxes, promise Mickey D's breffest all day. Landslide, you guys.

Thu Mar 01 2012

11:09 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:00 PM
Goin to do some 'shups in the john. Gotta be jacked in case things get hairy at Mickey D's tomorrow.

02:06 PM
You feel how you look. And when my body looks good, just get outta my way 'cause I'm pretty much unstoppable, you guys.

02:15 PM
Whether you're settlin a beef over a Filet O Fish tartar sauce spill or just takin' to the streets, always be ready to style & profile.

05:39 PM
Headin' to Cold One City, USA. Nothin' wrong with a Thirstday celebraish, you guys.

Fri Mar 02 2012

11:53 AM
Got it made, got it made, got it made...I'm Hot for Friday! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:56 AM
Went to Mickey D's for a couple Filet O Fishes and revenge. Guess the manager wasn't in with my check. Ate 'em at the counter. Power move.

11:59 AM
Sure, Mickey D's is known for good times and great taste, but the clown needs to know I'm known for street justice and mad swag.

12:05 PM
I'm an Army of One. A solo grassroots organization that delivers bad boy flavors to big wig punks who mess around. Think Segal said that?

12:07 PM
Probably stop back at Mickey D's for street justice later. Gonna want a few more FOFs anyway. Gotta take advantage of the Lenten savings.

01:38 PM
Heard Men's Health is tryin to take down Chili's for their bold flavors. What do you expect from guy mag with only naked dudes on the cover?

01:46 PM
Men's Health is pretty much secret Playboy for guys with carnal desires for guys. Hope someday we can all be more open minded & tolerant.

01:51 PM
Men's Health should keep their nose outta the bold flavor lifestyle and just stick to reviewin yogurt, salad, & young fellas' beach bodies.

Sat Mar 03 2012

12:08 AM
Bud Light Paltinums hve bold flavro taste and bold flavor alot of booze. I'm pretty drunk. Ok, I'm drunk. Budweisers! Keepin in rockin!!

12:12 AM
I should be sleep but man sometiemes you just gotta keep rockin. Might eat some toast & ranch. screw it, woerk out my bod tomororw.

12:14 AM
everybody who aint on the captain karl ship can kiss my ass. here's my ass. kiss it. (smooch) thanks! bold flaovors

12:20 AM
I gotta really say, "Great job with the BL Plats. Blue bottle. Gets you reall mesed up AND super lo cal for health.

12:21 AM
"Bud Light platinum: Taste that booze on your diet."

12:24 AM
Goinon the outside. Gonna take a whizz on everything and scream at the sky cause I got that feelin to give it to the gods! bud light paltim!

12:28 PM
Really hurtin' today, you guys. Guess things got a little out of hand.

12:29 PM
Had a note on our door this mornin that said, "Please refrain from urinating on our car. Next time we'll be calling the police."

12:32 PM
If you don't remember takin a whizz on someone's car, who's to say it really happened? Coulda been someone who looks like me. Who knows?

12:44 PM
Looks like I wrote "HARDEE'S!" on the coffee table in black Sharpie. Guess I wanted to take a roadie to Hardee's. Think that makes sense?

12:49 PM
Looks like I got a couple BL 'Nums. left. Might have to patch up. It's Saturday. Can't waste it feelin' like dog crap. Gotta take advantage.

12:54 PM
Sure, BL 'Nums have bold taste, but it really takes a backseat to makin you loaded. That's what it's for. I'm not stupid. Just tell us that.

12:58 PM
Who's drinkin' a pile of BL 'Nums just for flavor? No one. "Oh, I can't get enough of this taste!" Advertisers should be more honest.

01:01 PM
If I was writin ads for BL 'Nums, man, they'd sell a crapload. "BL 'Nums: Goes down smooth. Makes you blackout. Good times, great value."

01:07 PM
"If you're not gonna get tore up on Friday, why do you even have Saturday off?" -BL 'Nums, blackout with bold taste in a cool bottle.

02:06 PM
With BL 'Nums, you'll be takin' a whizz on someone else's property real soon. Tell 'em Captain Karl sent ya.

Sun Mar 04 2012

11:46 AM
If you put anything in a mug, it's basically a breffest drink. Like Crown Royal, rums, or other booze. Keeps it classy.

11:59 AM
If you wake up hungover, crank some Seger, and drink 4 ice cold ones, you reach the "God Moment", and anything is possible, you guys.

12:28 PM
Damnit, I'm a man! I SAID I'M A MAN!

12:32 PM
Anyone who could write Feel Like A Number, damn sure would get my vote. That's the take charge attitude this country needs. Bob Seger, USA.

12:34 PM
Ever REALLY listen to the lyrics to Roll Me Away? That song's about America. Gives you pride. I'm goin to the bar. Feelin GOOD.

Mon Mar 05 2012

01:30 PM
Really hurtin' today. Things got kinda outta control at the pad last night after my Seger Sunday Celebraish bar crawl.

01:35 PM
Guess I challenged Dave to "Iron Chef: Pizza Rolls." He wouldn't get off he couch to respect my challenge. Got pretty steamed.

01:37 PM
When a man throws down a challenge to another man, you have to accept. It's the code of the streets. Like in Tombstone.

01:44 PM
Told Dave, if you don't accept this "Iron Chef: Pizza Rolls" challenge, I'll call your dad and tell him what a panty waste his son is.

01:46 PM
Then I remembered Dave's Dad is dead. Dave ran into his room with the waterworks. Think he must have some buried issues. Ha! (sorry)

01:49 PM
Made up a couple Pizza Roll Omelettes. Thought it'd cheer Dave up. It's an omelette with real pizza taste. Bold flavors. Off the chain.

01:54 PM
Dave never came out of his room, so I ate 2 6 egg Pizza Roll Omelettes myself. Havin some issues today. Mostly in the john.

02:07 PM
Ann called. Said we were supposed to meet with her lawyer this morning. Said she emailed me. Who checks email EVERY day?! So unreliable.

02:09 PM
Told Ann, even if I DID get her email, that I've got a sad pal on my hands, AND a backdoor Pizza Roll Omelette problem. She's inconsiderate.

02:14 PM
I don't live by an "email" schedule, Ann. For me, "life" happens. And I'm on that highway all night long, you guys.

08:44 PM
Guess Dave's still got the blues about his dead dad. He never really dealt with it. Glad I brought it up. Good to get stuff out in the open.

08:48 PM
When someone dies, you can't just hold in your grief. Waitin too long makes you look like a weirdo. Gotta take advantage right away.

08:54 PM
I'm not gonna spring for "I'm sorry" 'za & cold ones for Dave's dead dad NOW. That ship's sailed, kimosabe. Death is forever, not sympathy.

09:04 PM
I mean, when Dave's dad died, I took some work off right away. Didn't even know him either. I'm a go getter when it comes to showin respect.

09:28 PM
Dave's hummin "Eagles Wings" while makin' a PB&J with end crust pieces. Might be the saddest thing I've ever seen. I'm hittin the sack.

Tue Mar 06 2012

01:05 PM
Ann called. Says we have to meet with her lawyer again on Thursday. She sounds desperate. Anything for attention I guess.

01:49 PM
Really lookin' forward to St. Patty's day, you guys.

02:05 PM
Always wanted one of those countdown to St. Patty's clocks. Never seen one in stores though. They should sell em through a limited tv offer.

02:17 PM
Whether you're goin through death, divorce, or a plain ol kick in the sack, St. Patty's can pretty much fix anything. Should be once a week!

02:49 PM
St. Patty's Day, Filet O Fish Fridays, Shamrock Shakes...man, if you stick a gun in your mouth in March, you must really have some problems.

03:01 PM
Gotta go all out this year. Really make it a St. Patty's celebraish to remember. It's on a Saturday! Couldn't've planned it better myself.

03:08 PM
Nosey Lady just asked if I was cryin. No, I'M JUST SUPER PUMPED FOR ST, PATTY'S. Idiot. (Told her I had divorce problems.)

03:19 PM
I'm takin' off. Gotta hit Mickey D's. That manager's supposed to be there. He BETTER have my Van Halen cd money. Time is UP!

Wed Mar 07 2012

12:16 PM
Went into Mickey D's last night for a showdown with the manager over my Van Halen cd reimbursement. Had to get it on.

12:18 PM
The manager said, "I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. My super said spills on your stuff aren't our responsibility." Tried to play hardball.

12:23 PM
Told the manager, "I'm your huckleberry, and that's just my game." Acted like he didn't know what I meant. Went in the john to regroup.

12:26 PM
Called the Mickey D's from the john. Asked to speak to the manager as, "Mr. Welzein's attorney." They said he was "busy." He was not!

12:59 PM
Dropped a massive BM of frustration (NO flush) & came out to give the manager a real smack down. Guess he went on break, so I left a note...

01:00 PM
...on a Mickey D's napkin: "Watch your back, kimosabe." Power. Move.

02:10 PM
Threatenin somebody in person is fine, but a handwritten, anonymous, "WATCH YOUR BACK, KIMOSABE" note'll bring terror for days, you guys,

Thu Mar 08 2012

01:27 PM
Forgot about the meeting with Ann. Oh well. What's she gonna do, divorce me again? Tellin work I have it anyway. I got Thirstday fever!

01:29 PM
Ann was all up my keester about, "what I had to do that was more important!?" What I do is MY business. I'm a one man wrecking machine.

01:32 PM
People who need to nose around in your garbage, probably don't have any bold flavors goin' on in their own fridge, you guys.

01:39 PM
If Ann wants to know what I'm up to so bad, she should stop by and see my mad swag in person. Probably afraid carnal desires'll take over

01:45 PM
Called Ann back. Told her I'm just tryin' to live my life in Bad Boy City, USA...

01:46 PM
...and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Karl Welzein said so, you guys.

03:02 PM
Sure was a treat takin' my 5pm BM in my own private john. Might be the best part of skippin' out for a half day.

03:03 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

07:23 PM
Havin a little Thirstday celebraish. BL 'Nums, chips & dip, the works really. Why worry 'bout tomorrow, when tonight's already tonight?

07:24 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Fri Mar 09 2012

01:02 PM
F.R.-IDAY IN THE USA! F.R.-IDAY IN THE USA! F.R.-IDAY IN THE USA! YEAH-YEAAAHH! Friday in the U.S.A!!! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

01:48 PM
Really draggin' today. Went pretty heavy on BL 'Nums last night. They go down so smooth, you guys.

01:53 PM
BL 'Nums is like street animal sauce for folks with a roof over their head. Gets you homeless drunk, but with a touch of class.

02:03 PM
If Anheuser Busch put King Cobra in a blue 12 oz bottle and called it "Platinum," white folks'd buy that too. Incognito bold soul taste.

03:00 PM
Drinkin ain't about race or carnal preferences. It brings the USA together. All colors and gay people are equal in Cold One City, USA.

04:51 PM
Stopped at Mickey D's for a couple F O F's. Didn't say a word to the manager but, "You're no daisy.You're not a daisy at all." & walked out.

04:51 PM
Power moves.

04:54 PM
If some corncob does you dirty, just let 'em know: "Rock N Roll Never Forgets," you guys.

06:03 PM
Gonna make it a low style & profile weekend. Gotta plot & scheme for St. Patty's.

Sat Mar 10 2012

02:01 PM
The one week countdown to the St. Patty's celebraish starts NOW. Super pumped. Wish I had one of those clocks. So badass.

02:04 PM
Was gonna take it easy tonight, but my bro Al called. Said we should have some guy on guy time. Really catch up. Should be a blast.

02:07 PM
Anytime the Welzein Bad Boys head out on the town, you know things are gonna get nasty. We're pretty much the hardest partiers in town.

02:15 PM
Gonna go pick up some bold snacks and heavy BL 'Nums. Gotta turn Al on to 'em. Can't wait to see his face when he catches the smoothness.

Sun Mar 11 2012

03:08 AM
Jusr dirty deed done dir t cheeap. Ha! Mannso good to poewer move eith my bro Al.

07:43 PM
Really hurtin', you guys. Pretty much slept the whole day. Got the BL 'Nums blues. Must be why the bottle's that color.

07:46 PM
Sure, BL 'Nums take you to the top of the mountain, but the next day, it's a Demon Drop to your own personal hell.

07:50 PM
Beer company's should do ads where half is in Cold One One City, USA, and the rest shows a guy clutchin a blanket, talkin to the Big Man.

07:52 PM
Guess Al came to hangout 'cause Ann was worried about me. Wait'll she hears how well I'm doin. She'll feel so stupid.

07:55 PM
Al was gone when I woke up. Probably had to get back to the ol' ball & chain. Sure don't miss those days. Such a hassle. Gotta do MY thing.

08:06 PM
Don't remember much about last night except for smashin a toilet we found on the side of the road. Real satisfyin. So loud. Always rocks.

08:08 PM
If you do somethin' that might be looked at as "illegal," just make sure you have Midnight Rider cued up for getaway music. You'll be fine.

08:11 PM
Probably wouldn't be much need for "therapy" if everyone got to pick up a porcelain toilet and smash it to hell on concrete once in awhile.

08:14 PM
If you do somethin destructive that doesn't hurt anybody else, don't see why that's a problem, you guys. Like smashin a toilet to hell.

08:17 PM
When your power moves are on point, you gotta live above the law, you guys.

Mon Mar 12 2012

11:05 AM
Somethin' really awful happened this mornin, you guys.

11:19 AM
Found Homeless Peanut dead inside the 'Bring this mornin'.

11:37 AM
Had to call the police. Wanted to know "my relation to Peanut." Told him, we were "brothers in swag." Didn't get what I meant. So steamed.

11:44 AM
I just hope heaven has room for a Homeless Peanut. The sweetest black angel. Draped in purple velvet and gold. Mad swag, forever and ever.

11:47 AM
Don't know why the Big Man would do this. Sometimes he just don't want you have nothin. Even your homeboys. Taketh away? I smack you down.

11:51 AM
Sent Dave to Kroger for a weekender and some 40s. Don't know if they even have enough to pour out for Peanut. He said I was his N-word.

12:12 PM
When you find a dead pal inside your car, it's a sign that you need to take some time off to reflect. Called work to tell 'em that.

12:24 PM
My life ain't justified by what is given and what is taken away. But why I existed in spite of it all, you guys. Go hard. Never stop. USA.

12:28 PM
Peanut's death might be just what doctor ordered to take control of my life back. Lookin' for God? Look to thy self. Pull your own strings.

12:30 PM
And if a house gets in your way, baby. Burn it down.

12:58 PM
Gonna head to Taco Bell. Peanut used to eat out of the dumpster there. Gotta order inside though. Peanut would've wanted it that way.

01:54 PM
Got 5 Doritos Locos Tacos from the Bell. So bold. Can't believe it's taken this long. Headin back for more. Gotta take advantage, you guys.

02:37 PM
Took down 5 more Loco D'reets. Grievin' so hard. Bold Bell flavors to the rescue.

02:43 PM
Gotta thank the Lord for blessin me with 'Bell tacos, made outta D'reets on the same day I found one'a my best pals, icy cold from death.

03:09 PM
Just when you think the world is filled with nothin' but rancid sadness, The Bell knocks Loco D'reets outta the park. Thanks, Taco Bell.

03:12 PM
The Bell really changed the food game with their Loco D'Reets. BK should come out with a Funyun Whopper.

03:14 PM
Kinda gives me hope that The Bell is doin fine with D'reets. Makes me think the Pizza Ship woulda had a chance with "Cheetos on Anything."

03:23 PM
When the Big Man takes someone away, it's time to look at who's responsible. And punish them with street justice.

03:26 PM
Wonder if I did somethin? Or Dave? Hope not. Probably Ann sendin out her bad vibes about my life. Killed Peanut. Gotta respect the universe.

03:56 PM
Why did Peanut have to die? He was good people. So sad when there's rapists and murderers walkin' around. And that Rick Santorum corncob.

03:59 PM
God, we'd gladly trade you Rick Santorum, that Penn State fella who likes the soapy underage showers, AND Chris Brown, for Homeless Peanut.

06:53 PM
Just caught some z's. Woke up confused. Remembered Peanut is dead. Dave came over & silently gave me a cold one. Still in shock.

06:56 PM
Went to get in the 'Bring. Smells like a homeless guy died in there. 'Cause one did. Gonna need some detailing done.

07:03 PM
Gonna make up a batch of my top shelf margs. (Special grieving recipe) Orderin a Papa J's. Supreme. Gotta stay strong.

07:05 PM
When a pal passes away, it's important to keep shovin it in and dumpin it down 'til you're ready to deal with your feelings.

Tue Mar 13 2012

12:32 AM
Can't sleep. Keep picturin dead Peanut in the ride. Gonna make some Triscuits & mayo. Takes me back to when I was a kid. See if Dave wants.

11:52 AM
Felt weird drivin' to work today in Peanut's place of death. Almost like he was with me in spirit, not just aroma.

11:59 AM
Wearin' a black armband for Peanut today. Cut a sleeve off one of my Piston Bad Boys tees. Made it better, so it worked out.

12:00 PM
Wearin' my Maui Jims at work. Lettin' everyone know I'm mournin' so hard. Looks mad swag too. Peanut woulda wanted it that way.

12:22 PM
Stayed up pretty late rappin to Dave about life over Triscuits & mayo. Felt good to talk it out. Guy to guy.

01:05 PM
Thinkin' about gettin' a tatt in remembrance of Peanut. Somethin' classy, like, "Peanut: Never Forget." Plus, babes go nuts for a tatt man.

01:32 PM
I gotta say, as far as somebody dyin goes, gettin to wear shades all day is probably the best part.

Wed Mar 14 2012

11:42 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Took down a dozen Mango Habs and a couple cold ones. Really hit the spot.

11:46 AM
Feel like people at work are givin me looks cause of my Maui Jims. I'M grievin! There's no rule bout how long you leave on your sad shades.

11:58 AM
When I die, man, I want everyone to wear sunglasses for a year, and kick up the celebraish forever and ever. The works. Full spread.

12:09 PM
If someone dies and you don't take advantage to look cool and get some r&r, it was a life wasted. Gotta be respectful.

12:24 PM
Folks are still goin on about Whitney dyin cause she was a singer. I heard Peanut sing Big Ol Butt a few times. He deserves at least a week.

Thu Mar 15 2012

11:04 AM
Really lookin' forward to the St. Patty's day weekend, you guys.

01:05 PM
March is the most considerate time to die. Filet O Fishes, St. Patty's, Shamrock Shakes, Madness. AND Loco D'reets? Smooths out the mournin.

01:19 PM
Picked up this bad boy for the celebraish: http://t.co/SfRRSUJc I bet that place rocks. Sure love to hang there for St. Patty's, you guys.

02:05 PM
Can hardly sit still at work. So pumped for St. Patty's. Gotta go all out. For Peanut, for the USA. Everything, really.

Fri Mar 16 2012

11:05 AM
Tonight there's gonna be a Friday, somewhere in the town. Tonight there's gonna be a Friday, you'll wanna be around.

11:06 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

11:16 AM
Alotta corncobs say St. Paddy's is all about U2. It's cool if you're a babe, but real bad boys know to turn up the Thin Lizzy, loud & proud.

11:19 AM
Cowboy Song is a song about America by an Irish band that buries anything that Bono weirdo could crap out on his best day, you guys.

11:31 AM
"Roll me over and turn me around, let me keep spinnin' 'til I hit the ground." Put THAT on MY tombstone. SO PUMPED FOR ST. PADDY'S YOU GUYS!

11:58 AM
Can't believe we have to work today. So much plannin to do. Gonna go for another Shamrock Shake. Add my own "spices." Ha! (special recipe)

12:01 PM
When you've got trunk liquor, and Mickey D's sells Shamrock Shakes, you don't have to be Albert Einstein to do the math, you guys.

03:00 PM
Was talkin hoops with Ken, eatin my 5pm Friday Filet O Fishes #s 3 & 4. Nosey Lady said, "Wow Karl. You really like those? Kinda bland."

03:05 PM
So mad at Nosey Lady. Wanted to choke her out. Was a little buzzed from my Jaymo Rockshake so I just got up and went home. So steamed.

03:07 PM
FILET O FISHES ARE "BLAND!?" YOU STUPID SOW! THIS THE USA YOU BAG O CRAP! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, GOOD LUCK FINDIN SOMEWHERE BETTER!

03:11 PM
Hurts my feelins when people have to take the fun out of things. Filet O Fishes make me happy. Is that a crime? Does that make me stupid?

03:18 PM
Didn't have much when I was a kid. Filet O Fishes on Friday were a big treat. Guess I'm just a simple guy, tryin to hold on to the real USA.

03:21 PM
Guess Filet O Fish don't have the boldest flavors, but when I was a kid, they ran Flavortown during the lenten celebraish. Best I could do.

03:28 PM
If someone holds somethin near & dear to their heart that don't hurt nobody, and you dont like it, just keep your trap shut & hate yourself.

09:02 PM
Takin down a few Irish Car Bombs with Dave. Gotta do a taste test. Get it just right for tomorrow. Better hit the sack soon.

09:07 PM
Guess Dave invited Crazy Cooter over for the St. Paddy's celebraish kickoff in the mornin. Idiot. Dave's always tryin to be a big shot.

09:14 PM
Crazy Cooter's pretty cool sometimes, unless he gets too hot on the white lady. Maybe's he's chilled out? People can change I guess.

09:15 PM
Told Dave to just make sure Crazy Cooter brings a dish to pass and some cold ones. I'm not feedin the whole neighborhood.

09:17 PM
Man, these Car Bombs are goin' down so smooth, you guys. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now.

Sat Mar 17 2012

09:29 AM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys. Gotta rally.

09:32 AM
Headin to Mickey D's. Gonna kick off the St. Paddy's celebraish with a patch me up Jaymo Rockshake. It's kind of a tradition I just made up.

09:35 AM
St. Paddy's Day, 2012. Let's roll, you guys. Really show Ireland how we do things, USA style.

11:09 AM
On a day like today, first, you gotta ask yourself, "What's gonna be MY power move?" After that, it's all mad swag, covered in gravy.

Sun Mar 18 2012

02:52 PM
Really hurtin', you guys. Gonna pound a couple Irish Tylenol and drown myself in hoops & a blanket. Gotta be responsible.

Mon Mar 19 2012

01:26 PM
Really draggin' today. Can't focus. They should give us the day off to recoup after a major holiday. So disrespectful to our Mick brothers.

01:30 PM
Tryin to piece together the St. Paddy's celebraish. It's kinda blurry. Been blackin out lately. Must be stress. Maybe I need more vitamin c?

01:37 PM
Was flyin high from the Jaymo Rockshake and a few Guiness when Crazy Cooter came by wearin on a green tux tee. No sleeves. Pretty cool.

01:39 PM
Crazy Cooter took my Shamrock Shake cup and just filled it with Jaymo. Said, "I don't need no fag shake part." Think he missed the point.

01:43 PM
Dave said, "Yeah, me and Cooter don't need no bitch shakes!" Then tried to pound Jaymo out the bottle and spit it up in the sink. Wasteful.

01:46 PM
Dave always tries to showoff when Crazy Cooter's around. Makes me so steamed. Everyone knows I'm pretty much the man anyway.

01:49 PM
I had to keep up with Crazy Cooter. Didn't want to look stupid. Challenged him to a 4 shot & a corned beef sandwich off. Piled high.

01:52 PM
Anyone can do a drinkin contest, but a real man adds in some bold eats. How they used to do it on the high seas. Read that once I think.

01:55 PM
Cooter took 2 bites of his sandwich and threw it at the wall. Said it was all gristle. Told him no way. My corned beef is ALWAYS tender.

02:10 PM
Dave picked up Cooter's sandwich and threw it off the deck. Hit one of the neighbor's kids on their big wheel. Started cryin and ran inside.

02:14 PM
Guess the kid told on us, 'cause some guy came to the door askin who threw the sandwich at his kid's face. Cooter said, "Suck it, assf*uck."

02:18 PM
The kid's Dad started wailin on the door sayin he was gonna call the cops. Decided we should probably go to 'Bee's after he left.

02:31 PM
If you're ever takin heat from the fuzz, it's best to wait it out at 'Bee's. Nothin bad can happen in the sanctity of The Neighborhood.

02:34 PM
'Bee's was pretty rockin'. Guess I blacked out there. Was pretty stressed from Crazy Cooter's bad language. Think my card is still there.

03:29 PM
Last thing I remember from St. Paddy's was Crazy Cooter screamin at some babe, "Gimme all ya got! Gimme all ya got!" Think he has a problem.

03:47 PM
Saw that neighbor guy whose kid got pelted in the face with the corned beef sammy. Hope he's not steamed. Might have to have a guy to guy.

03:49 PM
When you crush a little kid off a big wheel with a sammy in the face, best to make it right by givin his old man a few cold ones.

03:57 PM
Might give Crazy Cooter a ring. Think it'd be best if me, him & Dave all went over to make amends with the sammy face dad. It's a gesture.

Tue Mar 20 2012

10:52 AM
Crazy Cooter said he'll be by later for the big apology as long as I supply the cold ones. It's a real load off my mind. Been worried.

10:53 AM
Did some thinkin. Guess you could technically get into some big trouble for hittin a child in the face with a sammy. Gotta play it smart.

10:55 AM
Gotta bring over a PREMIUM sixer too. Somethin nice like Sam Adams. Show a little class. Real high end micro brew.

11:00 AM
A sixer of domestics says, "I'm KINDA sorry for biffin your kid in the face." But a PREMIUM sixer says, "Please. Don't call the cops."

Wed Mar 21 2012

01:09 PM
Woke up in the BW3's lot after lunch. Great day to take a snooze with the top down, full o' lunch cold ones & wings. Just paradise, really.

01:11 PM
Face is kinda burnt. Had on my Maui Jims though so I kinda have that Guy Fieri look goin on. And, Guy's always on point with style.

01:13 PM
Wonder if that's how Guy gets his signature face burn? Always shovelin' in bold flavors then passin' out in the 'Maro? His life is SO money.

01:23 PM
People keep askin why my face is burnt. Told em, "It's stress related, cause my FRIEND died like a week or whatever ago!" Shut em down.

01:31 PM
If anyone gives ya crap about anything, just keep bringin up the last person ya knew that died. They won't care. They're dead, you guys.

01:50 PM
Never got to the big apology last night. Crazy Cooter just came over, pounded the "we're sorry," PREMIUM sixer and split. Gotta reschedule.

Thu Mar 22 2012

01:00 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:14 PM
Had Crazy Cooter over last night to go apologize for hittin the neighbor's kid in the face with the beef sammy. No one was home though.

02:16 PM
Crazy Cooter lit up a "fat J" and started tellin some tall tale about the one time he started a Faygo wet t-shirt contest at an ICP concert.

02:19 PM
Never heard ICP's music. They look pretty wild though. Like Guy Fieri if he was comin to murder you in a Triple D nightmare from hell.

02:23 PM
Crazy Cooter said he was sprayin Rock n Rye on all the babes chest beefers and everyone was chantin' his name. Sounds pretty far fetched.

02:26 PM
Dave thinks it's true. Like he's ever been involved in a wet tee situaish. If anyone should be soakin down chest beefers, it's Captain Karl.

02:31 PM
Crazy Cooter said the ICP babes also like when you spit on their "bombs" Sounds disrespectful. They must have low self esteem. Pretty sad.

02:33 PM
Just 'cause you're soakin down a babe's thick n juicies in a wet tee situaish, don't mean you should act like an animal about it, you guys.

06:40 PM
Waitin for the State game to be over so we can head to the neighbor's for the big PREMIUM sixer apology. I got 50 bucks on State with Ken.

06:47 PM
Man, this isn't good. 50 smackers, you guys. Maybe they can still pull it out? Poundin some good luck cold ones.

06:48 PM
Oh no...

06:49 PM
Such a nightmare...

06:50 PM
Shit.

06:50 PM
SHIT.

06:50 PM
SHIT!!!

Fri Mar 23 2012

11:27 AM
Really hurtin' today. Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

11:30 AM
Was pretty down in the dumps after the State loss. 50 smackers down the drain is massive kick in the guy taters. Tryin to avoid Ken.

11:34 AM
When you lose a bet, you gotta put off payin it. Lots of "don't have it on me" and "lost my checkbook." Make 'em feel bad for askin.

11:36 AM
When you lose a bet, but the other guy feels bad for takin' the money. You actually win 'cause they can't enjoy it. Power move.

11:41 AM
Got arena rock fuzzed before goin over for the big I'm Sorry with Crazy Coot & Dave to the neighbors. Wanted to be loose and conversational.

11:43 AM
Only had 2 PREMIUM cold ones left, so we filled the sixer with 3 Busch heavies and a Capri Sun. A variety pack gift is more thoughtful.

11:47 AM
Had to knock on the door for about 10 minutes. Crazy Cooter got steamed and started to kick it, screaming, "HEY, WE'RE SORRY MOTHERF*CKERS!"

11:51 AM
Told Crazy Cooter to calm down and keep it classy. Got out his peener and took a leak on the door. Thought it was inappropriate.

11:53 AM
Dave said he had to run home and grunt a quick #2. That's just code for hittin the bricks like a coward. Brothers pinch it in a time of war.

12:00 PM
The neighbor guy finally came out. Looked pretty steamed. Started screamin, "What's wrong with you! Is that piss?!" Guess we woke him up.

12:04 PM
Coot handed him the sixer and said, "Sorry Dave crushed your kid's face with a sandwich. He was a real fag." Was actually pretty nice.

12:07 PM
Told him that "fag" wasn't cool to say. Cooter said, "you a fag?" Told him I was all man. Winked at the neighbor guy. Can't have rumors.

12:10 PM
Neighbor guy said he had to go to bed. Coot put his foot in the door. Said, "It's polite to SHARE the "I'm sorry" cold ones, assf*ck."

12:12 PM
I'd seen Crazy Cooter like this before. Like the time we wouldn't do coke with him and he destroyed his house. It's not good.

12:14 PM
Coot tried to barge his way in. Once he starts blinkin hard and suckin air through his dead tooth angry smile, you know it's time to leave.

12:16 PM
Neighbor guy threw the sixer and hit Cooter in the head, then slammed the door. Really wished I split with Dave to grunt out a BM.

12:18 PM
Cooter started punchin the door, split his hand open pretty bad. Picked up a couple cold ones and went down to his Grand Am. Started...

12:20 PM
...kicking in his own tail lights. Guess he has a problem with people not sharing.

12:21 PM
Went back to the pad and locked the door. Could hear Cooter scream MF's for about 15 more minutes, then peel out. Hope he got home ok.

12:25 PM
Dave asked what happened. Told him it was cool & he was forgiven. Think it went ok. Sometimes an apology is just about the kind gesture.

01:06 PM
Gonna go crush a couple afternoon Filet O Fishes in the john. Catch a quick toilet nap. It's important to stay healthy and rested, you guys.

Sat Mar 24 2012

01:29 PM
Really hurtin' today, you guys. Took down a 12 of BL 'Nums last night. So crisp and powerful. Like blue lightning.

01:32 PM
Gonna head to Arby's. Always hits the spot. Goin for the Super Reuben. Piled high and only for a limited time. Gotta take advantage.

01:34 PM
Arby's always helps you clean out your guts after a rough night. It's explosive bm food. That's how you know the healing process is workin.

01:36 PM
Arby's, it's hate yourself from the night before so you might as well just shovel in some bold flavors to take away the sadness mood food.

01:37 PM
Arby's, you'll blow up the john in no time mood food, you guys.

01:39 PM
Got that damn Arby's song stuck in my head. So steamed. Wanna choke that guy out. Wish I could get my mitts on him behind the scenes.

01:40 PM
Arby's, just give me my sandwich and shut up with your stupid song, ya piece of trash, mood food.

01:42 PM
Might have to give Arby's a piece of my mind when I'm there. Let em know how I'm bein tortured with their song. See how THEY like hearin it.

01:47 PM
Great, now I'm all P.O.'d. Makin' a Greyhound roadie. Goin' to Arby's. It's good...SHUT UP YOU CORNCOB! Feel so bonkers today, you guys.

04:56 PM
Just blasted out a massive Arby's Seup Reub BM. Really devastating. The john is definitely not a place to be in a good mood right now.

04:58 PM
Sat in the corner booth at Arb's, sayin', "It's good mooood foooood" for about 20 minutes before they asked me to leave. Really showed 'em.

04:59 PM
Told the manager at Arb's, "Why's it ok for you to blare your crap jingle in MY pad, but I can't scream it here? Riddle me that, corncob."

05:01 PM
Arb's manager said, "Regardless, you can't drink a beverage from outside in here, sir." It's not a beverage, it's a Greyhound.

05:04 PM
If a place don't sell booze, I don't see why you can't bring your own. Especially if you class it up in an '84 Tigers Little Caesar's glass.

05:10 PM
Told Arb's manager I'd be writin a letter to corporate about the incident. Got all maniac style. Slammed my 'hound and walked out.

05:14 PM
Got another 12 of Blue Lightning. Gonna flush it all down & fade away into Saturday night. Put the ship on auto pilot, see where it docks.

05:20 PM
Round 8pm, 6 cold ones deep on a Saturday, a real man needs to step back, look to Seger, and think, "What's MY power move gonna be tonight?"

Sun Mar 25 2012

02:47 PM
Can't find my 'rang anywhere. Real P.O'd. It's kinda sentimental. Think it's vintage Claire's.

03:35 PM
Ordered up the $10 Dinner Box from The Hut. Comes with frosting. Tried some on the 'Za. Not sure if that's what it's for. Might be European?

03:40 PM
Was feelin kinda down about my 'rang bein lost. 'Za & frosting might just be what the doctor ordered. Wonder if Guy Fieri knows about it?

03:43 PM
I know The Hut isn't a diner, drive in, or dive, but when a place is doin' frosting dippins for 'za, man you just gotta check it out.

03:46 PM
Dave says the frosting is for the cinnamon sticks, not the 'za. He has no vision. And that's why, no, he CAN'T have a slice.

04:49 PM
Not feelin' so hot, you guys.

Mon Mar 26 2012

02:33 PM
Really hurtin'. Spent almost all day in the john. Nice to take it easy on a Monday, but this might be considered, "a concern."

Tue Mar 27 2012

10:42 AM
Think my 'rrhea cleared up. Guess I ate too much pizza & frosting. But, what bold flavors don't kill you, makes you stronger, you guys.

10:47 AM
Still steamed at Arb's. Now that I'm up on my feet off the toilet, might have to give 'em a piece. Someone has to stop their mind pollution.

10:54 AM
Might have to reach out to The Hut too. They should put a warning on their $10 Box about givin you 2 day 'rrhea from a 'za & frosting combo.

11:04 AM
If the FDA wants to put nutrition info on fast food, why can't they just speak in plain english; WARNING: THE HUT MAY CAUSE 2 DAY 'RRHEA.

04:19 PM
Word is, Ken's throwin a bash for the semifinals on Saturday. Kinda bummed. Didn't get an invite. Maybe 'cause I owe him the 50?

04:21 PM
Maybe Ken is just waitin' for the right time to ask me to his pad? Probably wants to make it special. $50 is nothin' between pals.

04:24 PM
Gonna play it cool tomorrow and pay off $25 of the 50 smackers. Tell him I'll get him the rest on the weekend. Let him catch my drift.

04:27 PM
Can't just ASK to be invited to a celebraish. Gotta hint around with lots of "So what's up for the weekend?" and "Got plans?" Play it cool.

04:34 PM
Ken might just be intimidated to invite the Bad Boy Party King to his bash. Worried I'll judge. I won't, but I'll sentence it to rock! Ha!

Wed Mar 28 2012

12:58 PM
Gave Ken the 25, told him I'd get him back on the weekend. Asked him if he had "plans." Gave him a wink like I was in the know.

12:59 PM
Ken said, "probably just watch hoops with a few friends, you?" Just said, "oh hell yeah." It's guy to guy code for, "I'm down."

01:01 PM
Ken probably knows it's weird to invite another guy to a celebraish. A real party down bad boy is always everywhere at all times, you guys.

08:16 PM
Came home & thought Dave was readin Time magazine. Didn't know they still made that? Corncobs just put it on the coffee table to look smart.

08:18 PM
Dave said, don't I look smart? Readin Time like a big time politics man? I said, no, you look like a beanbag who never heard of tv news.

08:20 PM
Noticed Dave's Time had some rockin chest beefers peakin out. Thought, whoa, Time really deserves another shot. At least for in the john.

08:21 PM
Dave said, it's my new invention. Worked on it all day. It's a Time cover I stole from the mail over a Penthouse. I call it, the Timehouse.

08:23 PM
Timehouse is the best idea Dave's ever had. Sizes are a little different, but I've been doin some x-acto trimmin for 3 hours. Looks good!

08:28 PM
In these troubled times, let the politicians cover up YOUR dirty deeds with Timehouse. All biz outside, carnal passions "under the covers."

08:31 PM
I'm a Penthouse man from way back. But I'm sick of the looks for readin PH on the go or at work. Timehouse gives me the freedom I deserve.

08:33 PM
Let's be honest, people only read Time to show off or at the dentist when that's all they got. With Timehouse, you're always in good taste.

08:36 PM
Told Dave we should start makin Timehouses and sellin 'em for big bucks. Erotic, yet intelligent. That's a Timehouse man.

08:39 PM
Might go sneak in the shed at Ann's for my secret stash of vintage Penthouses. Get a start on the Timehouse project. Could be big bucks.

08:43 PM
What kinda guy's guy would buy REGULAR Time magazine when you can get Time with Penthouse innards?! Man, you'd look so stupid.

08:46 PM
Kinda bombed on 'Nums. Gonna call Ann to have her check if the Penthouses are still in the shed. Can't risk the drive if it's not important.

09:48 PM
Musta called Ann 8 or a dozen or so times. Left voicemails. Told her all about the Timehouse biz plan. Wouldn't answer. Really steamed.

09:51 PM
If your ex can't answer a 12am phone call about where your old Penthouse mags are, THERE'S the answer for why you split up, you guys.

Thu Mar 29 2012

11:42 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:07 PM
Really into the Timehouse lifestyle. Looks like I'm stayin' informed at work, but I'm researchin' romantic eroticisms in private good taste.

12:09 PM
Stole a few more Time mags from the mail. Made a few more Timehouses before bed with my extra Penthouses. Puttin some in the john.

12:12 PM
If there's one thing you can steal from the mail that no one's gonna give a crap about, it's Time magazine. But Penthouse? That's a crime.

12:15 PM
Ann called. Said I left 45 minutes of messages last night about "some Penthouse Magazine emergency" and that she didn't appreciate it.

12:31 PM
Ann doesn't know biz. When an idea strikes to combine Time and Penthouse into the groundbreaking publication of the century, you jump on it.

12:35 PM
Might have to bring a few copies of Timehouse over to Ken's for the hoops celebraish. Maybe get some subscribers?

01:19 PM
Ann called AGAIN. Said she needs to "stress the importance of NOT callin latenight about stuff like Penthouse." Says she didn't sleep well.

01:27 PM
Ann said her day's ruined cause I interrupted her sleep. What'd she have to do? Lay around and watch Lifetime? Sounds like Lifewaste to me.

01:33 PM
Sure I left 45 min of messages in the middle of the night, but I'm at work! She shouldn't interrupt me. I'm tryin to read Timehouse here.

01:41 PM
Told Ann, "sorry I'm changing the future while you're stuck in the past." Really crushed her. Power move.

01:49 PM
Don't know why Ann listened to all 45 min of my messages. My point was pretty clear a few minutes in. She must be lonely for the Captain.

02:19 PM
When an ex-babe sees you moved on to premium success and she's left in the ditch, it's time to style & profile like never before, you guys.

07:38 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Fri Mar 30 2012

11:28 AM
"I wanna be a Fridaaay bay-beee! With the top let back and the sunshine shinin!" (That's an old Kid Rock jam.) Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

11:31 AM
Sure, Kid Rock can be a little raunchy, but it's just some guy humor, perfect for a celebraish. Nothin' wrong with a few adult laughs.

12:11 PM
Finally got my letter to Arb's finished. Had to get caught up on the Timehouse project first. Feels good to be productive, you guys.

12:22 PM
To: The Head Honchos at Arby's, Greetings. Karl Welzein here. Been meaning to get in touch for a few, but I've been busy with a...

12:23 PM
...top secret publishing project. Real hush hush, but I'm sure you'll hear about it soon. Me and my main man Dave could be the next...

12:25 PM
...big wigs in "intelligent carnal passions." (wink). Anywho, I should start off by sayin' that I've been a big fan of Arb's since way back.

12:34 PM
From the Jamocha shakes, to your Horsey & Arb's Sauce? Always top notch. Arb's was one of the innovators in the bold flavor game.

12:36 PM
Whether I had a big appetite, or just needed a loose BM in a time of physical flushin' for health, the Arb's neon cowboy was always there.

12:38 PM
However, lately, Arb's has been lettin' me down. The big campaign about "It's good mood food?" Well, it makes people violent.

12:40 PM
As a valued customer, I shouldn't have feelings of chokin out the fella in your advertisements. It's not good mood anything. It's dangerous.

12:42 PM
Recently, on a trip to my local Arb's, I was asked to leave by the manager for given him a dose of the "good mood" jingle. Why is it ok...

12:44 PM
...for that corncob to blare through my tv but I can't sing it for 20 minutes in YOUR establishment. Makes zero sense from a business model.

12:47 PM
Also, I was asked to not drink my Greyhound I brought from home by the manager at Arb's. Is that a new policy? Seems like an oversight.

12:55 PM
Please Arby's, if we're not allowed to consume adult beverages from home in your establishment, at least post something in the john.

12:57 PM
Being a possible restauranteur in the future, I know how difficult it is to manage an off the chain eatery. We all have issues and secrets.

12:58 PM
Sure, Arby's roast beef is just a big brown thin sliced all beef hot dog. And there's nothin wrong with that after it blows your mind.

01:00 PM
Also, Arby's make you blow out some of the biggest, healthiest BM's in the world. And that's a good thing. It's Asian to focus on digestion.

01:05 PM
But if you don't stop with the terrible jingle and replace it with somethin rockin, the whole Arb's biz could be in the toilet real soon.

01:11 PM
I only write because I care with passion for Arb's. Let's guy to guy soon? All the best, Karl Welzein. Editor At Large, Timehouse Magazine.

01:17 PM
P.S.- Ever think of servin' BL 'Nums? A 2 Beef & Cheddar, Curly Fry, 3 BL 'Num super combo could be a smash hit. "It's food that rocks!!!"

07:22 PM
Feel like my life is really on track. Pumped for the NCAA celebraish at Ken's tomorrow. Gonna shove it in everyone's face. Gotta go hard.

07:25 PM
Bringin' Ken over some BL 'Nums, Loco D'Reets, copies of Timehouse, Triscuits & Mayo. It's gonna rock! The works, really. Full spread.

07:32 PM
Takin' it easy tonight. Really charge up. Just a few BL 'Nums since I got plenty for tomorrow, then hittin' the sack. Gotta be responsible.

07:34 PM
Can't wait 'til Ken sees how hard I party now. He's gonna be like, "Whoa, I gotta tell everyone at work. Karl's pretty much the man."

Sat Mar 31 2012

10:06 AM
Woke up in the middle of the night to take a 'Num BL (Big Leak.) Dave was all cranked on coffee, hoggin' down the Triscuits & Mayo.

10:07 AM
Dave said he had an idea to expand the Timehouse empire. Told him I don't recall approving that. There was never a meeting.

10:13 AM
Dave said he found a copy of Barely Legal in his "secret stash." Decided to take a Newsweek and make "Barely News." Sounds pretty low brow.

10:15 AM
Barely Legal?! Dave might be into some weirdo crap. Hope he's not some sicko. Better keep an eye out. Don't like the sound of that.

10:17 AM
Sure, I've seen a Club, Club International, Cherry, Swank. I'm a guy's guy. But they aren't my speed. I'm strictly a Penthouse man.

10:19 AM
Penthouse maintains an aura of sophisticated carnal desires for the classy male in today's modern erotic world.

10:23 AM
But Barely Legal? That's somethin you'd find by the train tracks on a mornin you don't remember how you got there or where your shoes are.

10:28 AM
Timehouse's concept of intelligent eroticism for on the go or at work is just gonna to be watered down by Barely News. Dave's an idiot.

10:32 AM
Dave wants me to try and sell Barely News subscripts at Ken's party. Told him it was more of a Timehouse crowd. I can't look stupid, Dave.

10:42 AM
Gotta run to the store. Dave ate all the Triscuits & Mayo. It's my signature potluck dish. So simple, yet decadent. Always a crowd pleaser.