DadBoner

2012

January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December
Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt

Compiled from Pete Keen's DadBoner Twitter Fiction Reader, itself compiled from Karl Welzein's @DadBoner Twitter feed.

Sun Jan 01 2012

02:14 PM
Holy shit. What happened? Goin' back to sleep. Wanna die, you guys.

Mon Jan 02 2012

01:09 PM
Oh god. The pad is a wreck. Bottles everywhere. Just found Peanut eatin' pizza crusts from the trash in the bathtub. Goin' back to bed.

Tue Jan 03 2012

11:51 AM
The pad pretty much looks like a ghetto drug house. Was kinda glad to get outta there and go to work. Peanut & Dave are out of control.

11:52 AM
Thought I could show the boys a nice NYE. Tuxes, Hummer limo, the works. Give 'em a taste of the good life so they could strive for it.

11:54 AM
5 min after gettin in the Hummer limo, Dave decided he wanted to drive. Then Peanut said "me too!" Stupid. If anyone gets to drive it's me.

12:00 PM
Peanut tried to climb in the front seat of the Hummer limo, spilled orange pop & gin all over the driver. He got steamed and pulled over.

12:07 PM
The driver said one more thing and we're out. That's when we heard Dave scream, "Peener Pee!" and was whizzing out the window.

12:09 PM
When you're in a Hummer limo, you can't just whizz out the window! Show some class. Use a Mountain Dew bottle or something like a gentleman.

12:19 PM
Had to bribe the driver with TWO 20s to let us stay until we pulled up to Applebees like badasses. Gave him the "Listen Buddy..." approach.

12:30 PM
10 minutes after we got in trouble with the driver, I look over and Peanut is whizzing out the window on the hood of a car.

12:32 PM
Pulled Peanut away from the window, but he wasn't through and whizzed all over the limo AND Dave. Peanut makes some rank whizz too.

12:46 PM
When we got to Applebees, Peanut fell out the limo & split his chin open pretty bad. Kept sayin, "don't worry, I'm clean!"

12:52 PM
Peanut said he was ok & would just wrap his cucumber over the bloody gash in his face. He meant "cumberbun." Ha! Just like in Family Circus.

01:23 PM
At Applebee's, I musta took down 4 Top Shelf Long Islands before my Shrimp 'N Parm Sirloin arrived. I bet it was off the chain.

01:26 PM
After the 4 Applebee's Top Shelf Long Islands, NYE starts to get a little blurry. They go down so smooth, you guys.

01:28 PM
"Applebee's- There's No Place Like The Neighborhood, to Get Blackout Drunk For A Holiday Celebraish." No such thing as overserved at 'Bee's.

02:19 PM
Been tryin' to piece together the rest of the NYE celebraish. 1. Remember leavin' Bee's and the Hummer limo bein gone so we went back in.

02:30 PM
2. Cleared out a few tables to make a dance floor. Dave started gettin' in faces sayin' It was time for a "Peener Off."

02:37 PM
3. I found Peanut in the 'Bee's kitchen eatin' trash lefties singin that LL Cool J Big Ol Butt song to a waitress. Had to drag him out.

02:39 PM
4. Definitely remember a hefty bag hittin' Dave in the plumbing for tellin' her to get on the dance floor and "feel his peen power."

02:43 PM
5. Think we got escorted out after I tried to jump over the bar to work my Cocktail moves. Fell pretty hard. Lucky I like 'Bee's or I'd sue.

Wed Jan 04 2012

10:51 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Tore all the meat off 6 Mango Habs and threw in on my Tender Salad. Highway to the Health Zone, 2012!

10:54 AM
Accidentally had the collar up on my golf shirt this mornin. Peanut woke up on the kitchen floor & said, "Dang, you look mad swag, K-Money!"

11:00 AM
Peanut's right. Don't know what it means, but I DO look "mad swag." Gotta do MY thing. K-Money in the house! 2012. Bigger, faster, stronger.

11:11 AM
Goin' to do some pushups in john. Really get my body on point. Turn my Tender Wing Salad into muscle. Headin' to Bold Body City, USA.

01:33 PM
Was doin some more 'shups in the john. There was water on the floor and I got a spot on my crotch. Doesn't look very swag.

01:44 PM
Noticed my fake pee pee crotch stain when I caught Nosey Lady starin' at my business. Thought she caught the K-Money vapors, but no.

01:55 PM
Even if your khakis have a big wet crotch, it's still inappropriate to stare at someone's junk if ya don't have carnal intentions, you guys.

01:57 PM
Writin' it down: 1/4/2012, Nosey Lady stared at my business. Might have to bring it up when I have my meeting with the head honcho.

Thu Jan 05 2012

12:13 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:05 PM
Highway to the Healthzone sure is a lonely road. Just realized I've been thinkin' about cheeseburgs for over 3 hrs. Really tuned out.

06:49 PM
Healthzone 101: Eat a box of Morningstar Chicken Nuggs in a bowl with ranch for supper. It's a salad since they're technically veggies!

Fri Jan 06 2012

01:08 PM
Heard that Kanyo West nincompoop is settin' up a big meeting of the minds. Didn't know he was still around. Might have to get involved.

01:10 PM
Haven't heard from Kanyo West since he went all assclown on that hurricane show with Austin Powers. Figured he just worked at Arby's now.

01:51 PM
Hear all you have to do to get on the Kanyo West supermind team is send a letter on the computer and you get to be mad swag. Worth a shot.

01:55 PM
Dear Kanyo, Karl Welzein here, aka K-Money, which is my name on the streets. Good to see you're back on the scene and feelin' well.

01:56 PM
Last time I heard, you were bein' a world class corncob, but hey, we all make mistakes and it's not fair to hold a brother to his past.

01:58 PM
A few ticks back I took alot of static for makin' a bm behind the dumpster at work. People still try to kick knowledge about it, but...

02:00 PM
...it's old news, blood. Anyway, thought I'd reach out, guy to guy, and see if you'd like me on your supermind team. I got creativity by...

02:02 PM
...the buttload! (Ha! just some bathroom guy humor there) I've just had so many ideas that could make the world a bolder place:

02:04 PM
McWing Sammies at Mickey D's, mucho off the chain flavor bowls, and Captain Karl's Pizza Ship, which I think you'd be down with. See,...

02:05 PM
...Captain Karl's would be an equal opportunity employer for blacks, whites, everything really. You just need healthy chest beefers...

02:07 PM
...to be a busty sea wench waitress, or to work on time to wash the dishes in our after school program for minorities. I have a dream,...

02:09 PM
...Kanyo, and that dream is for all colors to enjoy the bold flavors of buy 11 get one free Top Shelf Margs together in peace forever.

02:10 PM
And if you're steamed that I'm a no good honkey, I gotta lay down that I'm tight with Vernon, Homeless Peanut, and The Cain Train.

02:12 PM
I care about black people, Kanyo. Represent to the fullest and pour out some 40. And since you're a rapper, I gotta tell you that I'm...

02:13 PM
...down with carnal passions involving big dumpers and crap. We should have a side guy to guy about babes sometime.

02:17 PM
Oh, I gotta tell you about the new dance called "The Peener." It's sweepin' the nation and I think I'd be mad swag on your next record.

02:18 PM
Dave came up with The Peener, but I'm the man who's makin' it happen from coast to coast. It's just like George Bernard Shaw said,

02:21 PM
"If you have a bold flavor, and I have a bold flavor, and we exchange bold flavors, then you and I will still each have one bold flavor...

02:22 PM
...But you have a bold flavor and I have a bold flavor and we share these bold flavors, then each of us will have two bold flavors."

02:23 PM
(he said "apples" but who likes those unless you want the runs to get out of something?)

02:24 PM
Kanyo, get at me dog. Let's roll, creatively. Regards, Karl "K-Money" Welzein

02:33 PM
PS, Kanyo, Think you should change the name of your company from "DONDA" to "CELEBRAISH." Creatively, it has a more positive feel, you guys.

Sat Jan 07 2012

11:51 AM
Super pumped for the Lions. Hittin the store for some goodies. It's ok to go out of the healthzone for a pigskin celebraish, you guys. USA.

01:41 PM
Peanut asked if Barry Sanders still played for the Lions. Ha! Really doggin him. Gotta make him feel stupid. It's a true sign of friendship.

01:45 PM
Some poors say dumb crap 'cause they haven't had a tube for a while. Some just rot their brain with the bottle. Gotta be understanding.

05:00 PM
Got Koegels goin for Coney Islands. Just usin Hormel, but I added my own spices. (special recipe) Chips, bold dips. The works. Full spread.

05:01 PM
Crankin up Stranglehold. Watchin this babes cans on mute. Lions wild card 2012. Let's roll, you guys.

05:26 PM
Ha! That guy's got the limp plumbing! Cialis is for corncobs who are into dudes and married to babes or fellas with no carnal drive.

05:34 PM
This is a great day to be alive. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now. God bless the Lions and the USA, forever and ever.

05:50 PM
Miller Lite has more taste? What taste is that? Water? More WATER taste? Quit tryin' to fool us with your fake macho bullcrap.

05:59 PM
Touchdown! Time for a Pee & Bee'. And a shot. Or 3. Ha!

06:35 PM
Dave called first halftime bm. I really blew it. Just gonna shoot some Crown to take my mind off the massive bm I have to make so bad.

07:18 PM
Dave said he'll be out of the john in a second. Said he's "talkin' to a babe." Is that what he calls diarrhea now?! So steamed.

07:20 PM
I got 5 Coney Dogs tryin' to kick down my backdoor, Dave! Get out of the friggin' can! I gotta grunt so I can enjoy the game! AGGHHH!!!

07:39 PM
Great. Peanut just took a crap in a Folger's can in the kitchen. Sick of this. Goin' to Paddy's. Pedal to the medal. Gotta crap so bad.

07:53 PM
Didn't make it to the car. Tossed my unders & Wranglers in the trash and went in the pad with my Rodney Peete jersey pulled over my peener.

07:57 PM
38-21?!!! When did this happen? Oh my god. This is Dave's fault. Goin to kick down the john door and give him a piece of my mind!

08:03 PM
AAHHHHGHHHH!!!! MOTHERFUCJERrR!!!! GONNA KILLL SOMEBODY GODN<AMIT!!!!!!!!!

08:28 PM
Goin' in the john to clean my doodoo rear end and shed a few tears on the john like a man has to sometimes. Might call Ann. So sick of this.

08:32 PM
When a real bad boy has to cry, you do it on the toilet with the door shut. Unless you already kicked it down.

Sun Jan 08 2012

02:29 AM
Can't put the bottle down. One a those days where the good Lord'll make the call when you're done. Just wanna turn the page.

01:04 PM
The pad is trashed. At least Peanut is pickin up all the bottles & cans. Feelin down. Ann won't pick up. Can't have nothin'. Sick of this.

01:08 PM
Need a cheer me up. Gonna order a Papa's Favorite from Papa J's. It'll give me endorphins which helps with metabolism. Gotta be smart.

01:10 PM
Just 'cause you're broken by the world & want to kill yourself and everyone in it, that's no excuse not to stay healthy and fit, you guys.

01:13 PM
Plus, I bet I burned a buncha cals kickin the john door down last night. My hammy's pretty sore. I kinda earned some Papa John's.

09:01 PM
Feel like the weekend was a bust. Real stinker. Gonna hit the sack with my Papa John's lefties. Bed pizza, take me away.

Mon Jan 09 2012

10:42 AM
Really draggin' today. Woke up in the night to smacky sounds from Peanut eatin' my bed pizza. Said he was cold and had a bad dream.

10:45 AM
How's Peanut cold INSIDE? He's used to living OUTSIDE. Think Peanut's gettin' soft. Need to toughin him up, have him sleep on the balcony.

10:47 AM
Never really thought about how street people might have bad dreams. Figured if you're living a nightmare, you wouldn't need to have 'em.

10:58 AM
Gotta get back on the highway to the healthzone. Gonna do some 'shups in the john & pound a couple cans o' protein shake. Get my bod tight.

01:04 PM
Maybe I should start lookin' for my own pad? Dave & Peanut might be beyond repair. Can let 'em bring me down when I'm so together.

02:54 PM
Might have to break the news to the fellas tonight that I might be movin' on to greener pastures. Want my new pad to be mad swag.

02:57 PM
Man, just think of all the babes I could crush with my K-Money moves if Dave & Peanut weren't around eatin' trash and makin' rank bm's.

Tue Jan 10 2012

11:21 AM
Couldn't break the news about movin' to a new pad to the boys last night. We got into a pretty heated argument about Dr. Pepper Ten.

11:30 AM
Might start doin' product reviews. Could really help the world. Maybe hit up the Flint Journal or GQ. My column would be badass. Ann'd flip!

12:20 PM
For my column, can't decide on whether to go with "Captain Karl's Corner" or "K-Money's Bold Bad Boy Reviews." Both kickass. So hard.

01:28 PM
Nosey Lady keeps walkin by lookin over my shoulder. Can smell her coffee manure breath. Tryin to see what I'm writin. Beat it, fudge stripe!

06:10 PM
Dave says I could never be a writer 'cause "you ain't got no experience." Idiot. It's "don't got ANY experience." Such a no class corncob.

06:15 PM
I have LIFE experience, mad swag, carnal moves, business mindedness, the works. Could be the next Mickey Rooney. Really tell it how it is.

Wed Jan 11 2012

11:06 AM
Finally got my review done. Think I did a mean job. Was up super late workin' on it and poundin' Crown. Heard all the greats did that.

11:09 AM
CAPTAIN KARL'S BAD BOY KORNER: DR. PEPPER TEN REVIEW Welcome to the first installment of CKBBK! Let's get right into it.

11:12 AM
This week I heard Dr. Pepper had a new pop flavor called "TEN" when I saw their commercial featuring some corncob tryin' to get macho.

11:14 AM
Really got me steamed that they didn't use Rambo or Stone Cold or somebody who grew a pair enough to kickass in the jungle. Just some load.

11:16 AM
The Dr. Pepper Load tells everyone how "TEN" isn't for babes to drink. That's crap. Ya gotta share with babes to get carnal passions.

11:20 AM
Dr. Pepper TEN turns off babes? So stupid. I don't want no part of a cold beverage that makes 'em hit the bricks. You wanna keep 'em comin.

11:23 AM
When you try too hard to be macho like Dr. Pepper TEN, hatin' on babes, you're probably a fella who likes extra long showers at the gym.

11:28 AM
Dr. Pepper TEN is for corncobs who can't embrace their carnality for other fellas. (Which's cool. Passion is for everyone. But I dig babes.)

11:30 AM
Let's get on to the taste of Dr. Pepper TEN. Says it has 10 Bold Tasting Calories. Calories don't taste bold, idiots, flavors do.

11:31 AM
Dr. Pepper TEN tastes like Diet Dr. Pepper, which they say tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Same crap in different cans. Get a new idea.

11:34 AM
Dr. Pepper TEN is LYING about "Bold Taste." It's not Chipotle Lime Dr. Pepper, you guys. Really bringin down fine cuisines who deserve it.

11:36 AM
To conclude, Dr. Pepper TEN is just some lying crap for guys to drink in a closet when they wish they were hot and soapy with a fella.

11:40 AM
"Dr. Pepper TEN, it's not for women." Great, have fun in your jungle of man on man denial. I'll be at the bar sharin' cold ones with a babe.

11:42 AM
(Not that there's anything wrong with man on man passion. just not for me. This is 2012. Let's be open and superminds together like Kanyo.)

11:43 AM
Keep it rockin' in the USA, you guys. -Captain Karl

Thu Jan 12 2012

10:32 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:13 AM
Sent in my Dr. Pepper review to a few publications. Super pumped. Hard to pay attention at work. Think I got a good shot a new career.

11:28 AM
Took a few hours, but I found the website for Esquire magazine. Then have an article called Eat Like A Man. Really dig the vibe.

11:53 AM
Used my email account to shoot this babe Elizabeth Gunnison a shout. See if she wants me on the Esquire team. Can't wait to hear back.

11:53 AM
"Hey Elizabeth. Karl Welzein here from Grand Blanc, MI. Saw you dig eats, and well, I'm a bold flavor man myself. From WAY back.

11:54 AM
Anyway, me and my pals Homeless Peanut and Dave got into a perty heated argument over Dr. Pepper 10 the other night. Dave said it rocked,

11:55 AM
...and I said it was for corncobs. I knew I was right 'cause Dave is an idiot. So I decided to try and get in the review game.

11:55 AM
Think I could really help people in this crazy world we call, "life." Would love if you took a look at my article, and maybe you could...

11:56 AM
...put it in your mag. Always dig a gents' publication on the john, and especially enjoy when you guys show off a smokin' babe.

11:56 AM
I don't subscribe Esquire myself (I'm more of a Penthouse man, it's more carnal) but sometimes Ken leaves it in the can.

11:57 AM
He thinks he's better than everyone. So stupid. Ken doesn't have a 'rang OR a rockin' pony. I KNOW you'll dig it this...

11:58 AM
...if you give it a chance. Regards, Karl "Captain Karl" Welzein

11:58 AM
P.S.- I might be on Kanyo West's new supermind team, so now would be a great chance to take advantage of my ideas before I'm a millionaire.

11:59 AM
PPS- I also might be openin' my new restaurant, "Captain Karl's Pizza Ship" real soon, and would love you come by for your personal review.

11:59 AM
Maybe we could take down a few top shelf margs, and then, who knows?"

12:58 PM
Snagged an ice cold trunk brew from the 'Bring. Gonna enjoy it real slow on the john. Why chase a dream without a little celebraish?

01:03 PM
Cold ones always go down SO smooth when you're sneakin' one in the john. Sippin' it slow & easy while plottin & schemin your next big move.

09:23 PM
Waited around all night for word from Esquire or GQ or anybody really about my review. Feelin' bummed. Peanut can tell. He's like a dog.

09:25 PM
Peanut put his arm around me and said, "You bluin" K-Money?" and offered me some of his Mad Dog. From Peanut, it's a pretty kind gesture.

09:26 PM
Sick of not being appreciated. Maybe tyin a good ol' fashioned one on late night with Peanut is just what the Dr. ordered. Like old times.

Fri Jan 13 2012

11:52 AM
"Oh baby, you! You got what I need! But you say it's just a Friday! But you say it's just a Friday!" Great commersh! Happy Friday, you guys.

11:57 AM
Really draggin' today. Stayed up until 4am drinkin Mad Dog with Peanut. No shower. Now I know why homeless people look and smell homeless.

12:04 PM
Gonna go wash my pits with hand soap in the john. Gotta keep your body fresh on the outside even if the inside feels like a clogged toilet.

01:04 PM
Wanna die from drinkin' garbage sauce with Peanut all night. No wonder homeless people don't have jobs. Maybe it's not their fault?

01:06 PM
When you're homeless, drinkin' cheap liquor all night IS your job. Can't be expected to go to a real one too. A man can't work 24 hrs.

03:02 PM
JUST GOT WORD ON MY PERSONAL EMAIL ACCOUNT THAT MY DR. PEPPER TEN REVIEW GOT PASSED ON TO THE EDITORS OF ESQUIRE MAG! TIME FOR A CELEBRAISH!

03:04 PM
Gonna really shove my success in Dave's stupid face. Peanut was the only one who supported me. Takin' him out to get loose tonight!

03:06 PM
Me & Peanut (not Dave) will be ro-ckin' in-to the night. Rockin' into the night! (not Dave) Goin' all out. Top shelf everything. The works.

03:07 PM
If a house gets in my way, baby. You know I'll burn it down, you guys.

03:11 PM
Maybe everything changed when I got plastered with Homeless Peanut? Can't appreciate touchin' the sky without knowin' what rock bottom is.

Sat Jan 14 2012

12:37 PM
Tryin' to piece together last night. Don't know where Peanut is. Hope he's not dead. It'd really ruin the weekend.

12:44 PM
Dave said he heard me come home, but no Peanut. Guess I made a DiGiorno Unpizza for health and try to flush the crust down the toilet.

12:46 PM
Dave said I kept screamin' how "Jamie Lee Curtis' ripe old beefers would soon be mine" and "suck it everyone." Don't remember that.

12:48 PM
Apparently, I also wrote "Highway To The Peener Zone" on the broken john door in marker, then laughed so hard I threw up my unpizza. Oh god.

12:51 PM
I just hope Peanut isn't frozen to death. He's filled with liquor, so I don't think it's possible, but I might have to go do some recon.

04:55 PM
Couldn't find Peanut anywhere. Walked all the way around the block. Twice. When a pal might be frozen dead, you gotta make the extra effort.

04:57 PM
Gonna make up a batch of fishsticks with my Captain Karl's 7 Seas Tartar Sauce. Bold ocean flavors. Really off the hook. (special recipe)

05:08 PM
Whenever I had a bad day at school, my mom'd make me fishsticks to cheer me up. Never had a mourn a possibly froze to death pal, but still.

05:17 PM
If Peanut doesn't get back before the next game, gonna have to call off the search 'til tomorrow. Friends is friends, but it's the playoffs.

06:57 PM
Looks like God doesn't even have time for Tim Tebow right now. Probably not a good time to ask him for help with Peanut.

07:07 PM
Dave said Tim Tebow's not into babes. His main squeeze is Jesus. Nice to see the church is comin' around to bein' open to modern times.

08:18 PM
Tim Tebow shoulda started prayin' earlier instead of just when he gets somethin' he wants. The Big Man don't like fair weather worshippin'.

08:23 PM
Whether you're straight or in a guy on Guy relationship like Tim Tebow, you shouldn't need a reason to say nice things to the one you love.

09:56 PM
Should probably flyer the neighborhood & a few of Peanut's hot spots tomorrow. Least I can do. Maybe he just wants to get back to his roots?

Sun Jan 15 2012

01:10 PM
Asked at Taco Bell if they saw Peanut. Nothin. So I got a taco 12 pack. Hard to stay in the health zone when a poor pal could be dead,

01:16 PM
Poors love eatin outta the Taco Bell garbage. It's pretty much the same as eatin' inside but with a little less dignity & alot more value.

08:33 PM
Asked Dave if he wanted to say some prayers for Peanut for before bed. He said, "Nah. That's gay." And went to in his room. So selfish.

08:37 PM
Prayin's the easiest way to get somethin done without tryin in real life. Whether you're poor and lazy, or just lookin' for a homeless pal.

Mon Jan 16 2012

11:08 AM
Woke up this mornin & Homeless Peanut was layin in front of the door! It's an MLK Day miracle! Dr. King works in mysterious ways, you guys.

11:16 AM
Asked Peanut where he was. He said, "Just chilin,' K-Money." I thought he was dead in a dumpster, or worse!

11:21 AM
Peanut said we were at 'Bees on Friday and I "kept talkin bout some Jamie Lee lady's big breastesses" then just wandered off, so he split.

11:24 AM
Peanut thought I was "goin to lay the pipe" and didn't want to get in the way of my "K-Money mack mode." So polite and thoughtful.

11:28 AM
Peanut said he got out of payin at 'Bee's by wettin his pants & talkin bout "fires" til they kicked him out. He's smarter than he looks.

11:46 AM
Gotta really go all out for the MLK celebraish. Wanna make it special for Peanut. It's pretty much the black Thanksgiving.

11:57 AM
Told Peanut we're gonna raise the roof with mad swag in his honor, and as an apology for whites bein corncobs to blacks. Might get some KFC.

11:59 AM
Asked Peanut if he wanted KFC. Didn't want to assume. It's racist. He said, "KFC? OOOWEEEE! K-Money comin' correct with The Colonel!"

12:08 PM
Dave's got all pumped when he heard "KFC." Told him it wasn't for him cause he didn't pray for Peanut. I can't treat the whole neighborhood.

12:11 PM
Don't know why some black folks get offended when you assume they want free fried chicken. Last thing I'd get mad at is free Olive Garden.

12:36 PM
Gonna get every color of Mad Dog. They're all equal for the MLK celebraish. But tomorrow, Banana Red returns to the back of the bus.

12:44 PM
It's important for whites to do at least one nice thing for blacks today. Like holdin a door or makin eye contact that says, "I'm so sorry."

12:49 PM
MLK Celebraish Day 2012. For all colors, creeds, Lionel Richie, everyone really. Let's roll together, you guys. The works. Full spread.

Tue Jan 17 2012

02:48 PM
Pretty tore up from yesterday. Shouldn't of mixed all those colors of Mad Dog. Wish Dr. King was here to stop the race war in my stomach.

02:51 PM
Took an extra day off for reflection. It's the least I can do for MLK. Reflecting on the john still counts, just like when you pray.

03:06 PM
Stupid how of all the holidays we get off only ONE is for a black guy. Maybe their employment rate would be higher if things were more fair.

Wed Jan 18 2012

12:58 PM
Happy Wing Wednesday. Got an Asian Zing Chicken Salad with 6 Mango Habs on top. If it touches salad, it's part of the salad, you guys.

01:00 PM
Kept it in the health zone with LIGHT Asian Sesame Dressing. Bold karate flavors with a real kick. Hi-ya! BDubs should put that on the menu.

01:02 PM
Haven't heard back from Esquire yet. Gettin' kinda steamed. Be real embarrassin if I rubbed it in Dave's face & had a celebraish for nothin.

03:35 PM
Forgot I told Dave I'd grill him a steak dinner if I wasn't on the Esquire food website on the internet by tomorrow. Sick of this.

03:38 PM
Dave keeps rubbin' his stomach, makin' hungry eyes at me, lickin' his chops, and doin' groany sounds. It's kinda looks carnal. Wanna puke.

Thu Jan 19 2012

11:21 AM
Dave keeps callin, remindin me how he wants his steak done. Said to not forget all the trimmings. Wants a loaded baked too. So p.o.'d!

11:40 AM
Really steamed at Esquire for gettin my hopes up. Feel like a jerk. These big wig hotshots think the can just play with your dreams.

11:43 AM
If Esquire understood how THEIR actions are gonna make ME have to grill DAVE a steak like some slave, maybe they'd give 2 craps.

11:46 AM
I'm K-Money. Captain Karl. I should have steaks cooked for ME. I'm the man, not Dave. All this is makin' me feel sick. Might vomit.

11:50 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys. This whole week needs to be flushed down the shitter. (Sorry to curse, but I'm real upset.)

Fri Jan 20 2012

11:49 AM
Knock knock knockin' on Friday's door. Cold, cold...cold, cold ones. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKIN' ON FRIDAY'S DOOOOOOR!!!

11:54 AM
Last night was a disaster. Had to make stupid Dave his stupid steak & fixins 'cause Esquire burned me. Gonna give 'em a piece of my mind.

11:57 AM
You'd think Esquire woulda liked the perspective of a REAL man givin' a REAL opinion about eats & drinks for once. They really blew it.

12:03 PM
I spent all night SLAVING over Dave. Made sure his steak was just right. Had to call him "King Dave." Sauteed his 'shrooms to perfection.

12:05 PM
I'm tellin' ALL my friends, that Esquire Magazine don't know crap about good taste and burnin' down corncobs. No balls. Not for real men.

12:07 PM
Just told Ken he better cancel his Esquire subscription unless he wants everyone to think he's a fancy sissy. That mag is old news.

12:10 PM
Not gonna let this ruin' MY weekend. Goin' to make a trunk liquor drink and get started on my burn letter to Esquire. Really shut 'em down.

12:12 PM
When the bigwigs hold back the little guy in this crazy world we call, "life", it's time to chop 'em down with back of your hand, you guys.

Sat Jan 21 2012

10:31 AM
Is it too much to ask to be able to watch some afternoon television without hearing about some corncob's erection problems?

10:34 AM
Really sick of this. If your peener doesn't work, why would you NOT already see a doctor. Who's waiting around for an ad to tell 'em that?!

10:39 AM
"Whelp, my peener doesn't go erected when I feel carnal anymore. Guess I had a good run." No! Go to the doctor idiot! Your tool is broke!

10:42 AM
If my peener isn't hot n ready when I'm in the mood with a babe, I'm not waitin' around for a commersh to tell me how to get my groove back.

11:04 AM
Who would see a doctor if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hrs? Makes more sense to just see some more babes, if you catch my drift.

10:26 PM
Drinkin' some cold ones with Dave & Peanut. Havin' a guy's night. Watchin' a Stone Cold documentary Dave got for Xmas. Gimme a hell yeah!

10:32 PM
Stone Cold has the right attitude when it comes to authority. Really admire how he don't take crap from no one. Takin' notes.

10:35 PM
Stone Cold likes to call people, "pieces of trash." Really gets your point across. Direct, but honest. Writin' it down.

10:36 PM
KARL 3:16 SAYS I JUST WHOOPED YER ASS!!!

10:37 PM
Might have to make a KARL 3:16 t-shirt. So badass. It'd really let everyone know they're pieces of trash, you guys.

10:58 PM
Dave threw me a cold one so I could catch it like Stone Cold. Went through the front window. Really whipped it. Idiot. Freezin in here.

11:33 PM
Turned the furnace all the way up and hittin the sack. Lettin' Peanut sleep on my floor instead of the tundra living room. Really steamed.

Sun Jan 22 2012

10:42 AM
After we tape a trash bag over the broken window, today's all about cold ones, bold eats, and NFL football. Gimme an Aw Hell Yeah!

10:47 AM
Looks like that Sandusky corncob killed a beloved old timer with his bathtime shenanigans. Love to get my mitts on him behind the scenes.

11:04 AM
Jerry Sandusky is the biggest piece of trash that ever lived. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Karl Welzein said so.

01:46 PM
Just finished makin my KARL 3:16 tee. Used 2 bottles of whiteout on a black Hanes. Smells kinda rank but really off the chain. AW HELL YEAH!

03:41 PM
Dave just came out of the bathroom with a shirt that says, "DAVE 3:16." Really p.o.'d. Peanut said, "Dave jockin' yo swag, K-Money!"

03:43 PM
Oh my god. Dave wrote "DAVE 3:16" on one of MY Big Dogs tee's turned inside out. Said he didn't want to ruin one of his. So steamed.

03:51 PM
Can't even look at Dave right now. Just tryin' to focus on the game. Makin some Pizza Rolls. They calm any violent rage situation.

05:22 PM
Went in the john for 5-15 minutes. When I came out, Dave had eaten half my Pizza Rolls. 'Bout to open up a can of whup-ass.

06:34 PM
Why does Eli Manning always make a face like he's either gonna cry or just smelled some dog doo real close to his nose?

06:44 PM
Dave just said, "I shoulda played football. I'm pretty much the toughest son of a bitch I know." Sick of him actin' like he's a badass.

06:50 PM
Dave's "DAVE 3:16" shirt is goin to his head. He said, "Man, I get so pumped during a big game. Feel like I wanna kick some ass."

06:53 PM
Sick of Dave showing off in front of Peanut like he's the man. I'M the man. Not Dave. Gonna do some shots of Crown. I gotta chillax.

08:13 PM
Dave said, "get me a cold one, ya piece of trash." Lost my temper. Gave him a Stone Cold Stunner. Destroyed the coffee table.

08:15 PM
Peanut freaked out and took off. Dave went in his room and slammed the door. Think he's cryin. Feel bad. Don't know my own strength.

08:19 PM
Karl 3:16 says I just whupped Dave's ass. Feel like I didn't have a choice. Sometimes, street justice has to be served, you guys.

08:22 PM
Might go for a walk. Try to clear my head. Need time to think. Pretty bombed. Hope Dave doesn't sue. It's tough bein a lonely renegade.

Mon Jan 23 2012

11:22 AM
Dave didn't leave his room all night or this mornin. Hope he's not dead. I'd be in some real hot water. Wonder where he's makin bathroom?

12:30 PM
Wore my KARL 3:16 tee to work today. Nosey Lady said, "I didn't know you were religious, Karl?" Idiot. What a piece of trash.

09:06 PM
Dave's been walkin' around with a Lean Pocket on his black eye all night. It's not even frozen anymore, all fallin' apart. Really milkin it.

09:10 PM
In war sometimes it's bro vs. bro. And sometimes that "war" is slammin yer best pal's face into a coffee table with a Stone Cold Stunner.

09:14 PM
Usually, when someone really wants you to feel bad for 'em, it's because they got what they deserved. The strong suffer alone in the john.

Tue Jan 24 2012

12:09 PM
Crap, I can hear Peanut downstairs in the work parking lot, screaming, "YO! K-MONEY!" Good thing no one at work knows my swag name.

12:26 PM
Peanut is tryin' to get in the back door at work. Keeps screamin' K-MONEY! Everyone is at the window. Think Nosey is callin the police.

12:32 PM
Don't want Peanut to go to jail. Gonna tell everyone I'll handle it, Roadhouse style. Gotta cement myself as the alpha dog at work.

01:46 PM
Man, Peanut was really messed up. He kept babbling about "how Dave sent him with a special message about Prince playin' fo' the Tigs" and...

01:48 PM
..."how I wouldn't take Dave's calls but looks like the good news and time fo' a celebraish 'cause all is forgiven." Peanut was so crazed...

01:53 PM
...I told him this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts him and gave him a Stone Cold Stunner in the parking lot. Had to get it on.

01:55 PM
Gonna have to make it up to Peanut when I get home. He'll understand when I tell him it was so 5-O didn't sweat him. Tough love.

01:56 PM
When I came back into work, everyone was kinda silent. Guess they never saw street justice handed out before. Think Nosey called the Honcho.

01:58 PM
Might get a promotion when the big wigs hear about how I defended work from a violent street animal. Maybe even a medal of honor.

02:43 PM
Ken just asked me if I was pumped for Prince Fielder in Detroit. That's what Peanut meant. Thought he meant purple Prince. Oh no, you guys.

02:45 PM
I gotta get home. Gonna go all out for big celebraish. Chips, dips, cold ones, top shelf whatever crap Peanut drinks. The works.

02:47 PM
After a violent situaish with your pals get out of hand, nothin' says, "I'm sorry about injuring you" like the gift of bold flavors.

02:57 PM
When Prince gets signed, it's time to party like it's 1999, you guys. Ha! D-Town. Bad Boy City, USA. Let's do this. Bless you boys.

Wed Jan 25 2012

01:13 PM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Got a late start. Peanut was asleep in the shower on this mornin fully clothed. Maybe how he does his 'dray?

01:27 PM
Went all out for the Prince Fielder signin celebraish. Dave made us play a game where you had to drink everytime Prince says 1999. Not good.

01:59 PM
Not sure if it was all the Mad Dog we pounded, but Peanut really does a good Prince impression. Makes you uncomfortable carnally.

02:04 PM
If you make other fellas uncomfortable with your carnal vibes, that's a good sign that babes are achin to get in the sack to see your moves.

08:02 PM
Dave said he's more into Adam Richmond than Guy Fieri. Thinks he's more "fearless." Dave has no idea what savoring cuisine is all about.

08:05 PM
Adam Richmond shovels in food like a retarded guy gettin tricked by kids at school to eat garbage for money. Guy Fieri is all about class.

08:16 PM
Alot of these corncobs today often confuse bein' "fearless" with "havin' a lack of pride or shame," you guys.

08:21 PM
I got nothin' against Adam Richmond. But sayin' he's better than Guy is like sayin' Bill Laimbeer is better than Michael Jordan.

Thu Jan 26 2012

10:38 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:53 AM
Weekend's pretty much wide open. Nothin' on tap yet. Be good to have a break before the big Super Bowl celebraish. Get my affairs in order.

12:05 PM
Still gotta send in my displeasures to Esquire magazine for making me suffer. I blame 'em for almost destroying my friendship with Dave.

12:07 PM
Dear Esquire, Captain Karl here. I know you probably thought you could just take a crap on my Dr. Pepper 10 review and I'd just go away.

12:09 PM
But that's not how I operate, kimosabe. See, when you got me all pumped for puttin me on your internet, I bet Dave a steak dinner that...

12:19 PM
...you'd give me the voice I deserve to have heard. When you didn't, I had to call him "King Dave" like some lowlife slave. Real degrading.

12:21 PM
Guess you just like to make assumptions about the little guy, Esquire. If you ain't part of the high fashion lifestyle, you don't count.

12:23 PM
I got news for you, Esquire. Real macho men like ol' Karl make this damn rock spin round and round. Real America. The truth and the light.

12:24 PM
I don't need to buy fashion, 'cause I style and profile. Kohl's does me just fine, with great value to boot. Nothin' wrong with savings.

12:25 PM
Tensions ran pretty high after you let me down. Peanut almost hit the bricks. Then I smashed Dave's face with a stunner. Then I...

12:26 PM
...accidentally stunned poor Peanut in the work parking lot. Why? You bent me outta shape and when I get bent outta shape, I'm...

12:27 PM
...gonna take my foot, turn that son've bitch sideways and shove it up somebody's ass. You're not here Esquire, so other asses it had to be.

12:29 PM
You owe ME an apology. You owe DAVE an apology. And you owe POOR HOMELESS PEANUT an apology. And don't think I don't...

12:30 PM
...know why you didn't run my Dr. Pepper 10 review. Has to be that Esquire is some no balls sissy mag that's in cahoots with no balls pops.

12:31 PM
And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Karl Welzein said so, ya piece of trash. Regards, Karl Welzein

11:08 PM
Really nothin' goin' on this weekend. Wonder what Ann's up to? Might have to reach out.

Fri Jan 27 2012

08:07 AM
Crap. Just woke up on the couch. Got up early and decided to run for Mickey D's breffest. Took out 2 McGriddles & 4 Browns, then crashed.

08:13 AM
If Mickey Ds sold breffest all day Wendy's & BK could kiss their butts goodbye. They probly shake in their shoes waitin for the day to come.

08:16 AM
Almost went bonkers on some babe for gettin' a Fruit 'n Yogurt Parfait at Mickey D's this mornin' til I saw her caboose. Had it goin on!

08:27 AM
Never felt bad about eatin' a hearty breffest at Mickey D's. Goes right through you. It's when they use the finest all natural ingredients.

08:30 AM
Told the Mickey D's babe that their breffest is good for digestion. Keeps the body tight. I'm a healthzone man myself. She played it cool.

08:32 AM
Brought Dave & Peanut a couple of Mickey D's browns. If you get up early for Mickey D's breffest and don't, you're a real piece of trash.

08:33 AM
Wonder what that babe's name was? Might have to start hangin' out at Mickey D's in the AM. Show her I'm a go getter.

08:35 AM
If you get up early enough for Mickey D's breffest and don't get Mickey D's breffest, then you may as well just stay in bed, you guys.

01:01 PM
"I am a real American, Friday night rocks for every man!" Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

10:17 PM
Took 'er easy tonight. Just kicked back with a dozen cold ones, 4 turkey cheese un-burgs, Guy, and the Triple D crew. Nice to recharge.

10:19 PM
Gonna hit the sack. No word from Ann yet. She's probably worried she looks too fat to see me. Gals, am I right? Maybe hit her up in the AM.

10:22 PM
Can't stop thinkin' about that breffest babe at Mickey D's with the rockin' caboose. If only Ann knew my options, she'd ring back pronto.

Sat Jan 28 2012

12:09 PM
Woke up extra early to hit Mickey D's. No sign of that babe with the rockin caboose. Just kept orderin McGriddles until 10am.

12:15 PM
Was stuffed and sleepy from all those McGriddles. Took a snooze in the 'Bring. Woke up with a case of the Mickey D's breffest emergency bms.

12:23 PM
Rushed back in Mickey D's. Had to get it on. Mens was locked so I went in the gals. The natural McGriddle ingredients were ready to explode.

12:32 PM
Right when I hovered over the gal pee splatter and let loose with a power move, rockin' caboose walked in and my world went black, you guys.

12:33 PM
Tried to keep it cool when I snuck out of Mickey D's, but I'm pretty sure rockin' caboose saw me. You could smell my shame over the fries.

12:37 PM
Once a babe catches you blowin' out a post McGriddle backdoor explosion in the gal's john, it's game over in the carnal passions department.

Sun Jan 29 2012

10:19 AM
Dave tried to wake me up for church this mornin'. Always does that when he's feelin' down or did somethin' wrong. So selfish.

10:21 AM
Guess Peanut went with Dave to church 'cause he promised donuts afterwards. Came home with a sack of day olds. What a scam. I'm no sucker.

10:24 AM
The only way The Big Man respects prayin' is if you go to church for no reason or on Christmas. Goin' just 'cause your sad looks weak.

10:26 AM
Every Sunday, I say an Our Father & a Hail Mary when I'm takin' my mornin' break on the john. If that ain't enough, then I can't help ya.

10:29 AM
Sure, I hope there's a Heaven. I also hoped the Lions would get to the Superbowl. Just 'cause you want somethin' don't guarantee it's true.

11:19 AM
Believin' in Heaven is just a safety net so seconds before nobodies die they can think, "I didn't amount to crap. Glad there's overtime."

11:38 AM
Live life like there's NO Heaven. Get the job done now. Go all out. The works. The Big Man won't ask you to the dance if you look desperate.

09:25 PM
Just finished a whole super size bag of Munchies. Dave bet me 5 bucks I couldn't do it. Idiot. They're called, "Munchies." It was no prob.

09:29 PM
Slow, all day snackin' keeps it in the healthzone. And the variety in Munchies is a boldstravaganza. Never gets old in your mouth, you guys.

09:35 PM
Feel accomplished today. Got some rest, helped Peanut with some ideas he wants to send to Penthouse Forum & ate a whole SS bag of Munchies.

09:37 PM
Peanut has some real raunchy tales of steamy passions from way back. Some are kinda disturbing. Had to edit out of few for Penthouse.

09:40 PM
Wonder if there's a Penthouse Soul Forum or somethin'? Peanut's erotic fiction might be better for urban brothers. Alot of it's in jive.

09:43 PM
Told Peanut that Penthouse Forum is a tough nut to crack. Gettin' published is hard, but I'd type up his letter tomorrow at work to send.

09:56 PM
Dave said, "Dag, Peanut, you used work out your 'rection on all the horny ho-bags!" I don't have the words. Night's ruined. Goin to bed now.

Mon Jan 30 2012

12:50 PM
Workin on Peanut's Penthouse Forum letter. Real "adults only." Is "Fine bitch's coochie was hella stank" offensive to urban readers?

01:08 PM
When I finish this up, might have to have Vernon give it a look. See if it gives him a carnal hunger from the soul brother point of view.

05:14 PM
Told Peanut I'm havin' problems with his Penthouse Forum letter. Don't get half the jive words he uses and everything's about "bitches."

05:16 PM
Told Peanut if he wants me to help him, he has to compromise a little. Let me bring some K-Money swag into the romance department.

05:24 PM
Maybe you can say stuff like "layin' the pipe" in Hustler, but we're talkin PENTHOUSE here. It's for gentlemen who crave tasteful erotics.

Tue Jan 31 2012

07:46 AM
Think I finally got Peanut's Penthouse Forum letter to be good. We both don't fully agree on it and there were almost some tears shed.

07:49 AM
When a white and a black homeless come together for an erotic tale of carnal desires, there's bound to be creative differences, you guys.

08:00 AM
When you're writin' somethin' on behalf of a black, you gotta keep it real. But not so real that whites can't enjoy it. Like on Martin.

08:20 AM
Alotta whites are just scared of blacks 'cause they're loud with mad swag. Never understood that. I say, turn up the fun volume on equality.

08:24 AM
The worst racists are poor whites. Probably 'cause they know when it comes down to hustlin' for scraps with poor blacks, they're gonna lose.

08:32 AM
Black or white, all peoples mostly just want a few cold ones, a couple laughs, and some 'za. Supreme. America. You & me. It's not so hard.

08:48 AM
Don't know where Vernon is. Left him Peanut's "Sheila's Shell Station Fill Up" letter to Penthouse for notes. Hope he digs the erotic soul.

02:54 PM
Guess Vernon didn't appreciate Peanut's Penthouse Forum letter I left him. I know 'cause he said, "Yo Karl, I don't appreciate this shit."

03:58 PM
Asked Vernon if he'd have a soul bro to bro with Peanut 'bout how to bring more romantic carnality to his erotic fiction game.

04:12 PM
Vernon said, "You don't get it Karl. You can't be leavin' me nasty ass stories around at my job. What the hell is this!? Who Peanut, Karl!?"

04:15 PM
"Coochie drippin' like off the chain bold flavor BBQ? Got her thick 'n rich cocoa booty all up in the Shell Station sink on my jimmy?!"

04:18 PM
"Sheila was goin' buckwild for a taste of my Don Cornelius & the Soul Train dancers?!" What kinda sick bullshit goin' on at your crib Karl?!

04:25 PM
And what the hell with the part where, "Then trick ass Sheila big breasts hit me in the face like Jello Puddin', you guys?!" I don't want...

04:28 PM
...no part of ya'll's horny freak club, Karl. Stay away from me. You nasty. Sick of you. You get me laid off Imma bust yo ass.

04:37 PM
It's badass Vernon thinks we have a real player situation at the crib, but Peanut's gonna be disappointed that he didn't like his letter.

04:42 PM
It's just a stereotype that all blacks get their jimmys hyped up for erotic pleasures from the same adult tales of passion, you guys.

Wed Feb 01 2012

11:43 AM
Finally finished Peanut's letter to Penthouse forum. Still don't think it's up to their standards. Too raunchy. Might be too "street."

12:02 PM
Peanut got steamed when I told him I couldn't send it in to Penthouse. Told him we'd just put it on Craigslist instead and it was the same.

12:02 PM
If there's one thing homeless people don't know, it's the difference between Penthouse Forum, and Craigslist, you guys.

12:09 PM
Showed Peanut his Penthouse Forum letter on Craigslist. He said, oh snap! I made the internet, K-Money?! World wide! Nice to see him smile.

12:17 PM
Guess Peanut's letter to Penthouse DID turn out pretty swag. Not for me, but I don't judge. http://t.co/TOgXgp7G

01:58 PM
Checked if Peanut got any bites on his Craigslist Penthouse letter. Looks like it got taken down. Must be a glitch. Kinda steamed.

02:21 PM
Put Peanut's Craigslist Penthouse ad back up. Left a note with it so they know he's genuine about gettin' published: http://t.co/019h7Y28

09:34 PM
Whoa. Just saw Don Cornelius murdered himself. Weird that Peanut was just talkin' about him yesterday. Maybe Peanut has special powers?

09:36 PM
Maybe it's the Crown & Diets talkin', but the curse of Peanut might be a real thing. Might have to take advantage.

09:40 PM
Real sad about Don Cornelius. He brought the world of soul from the inner city night clubs right into your home where it's safe.

09:41 PM
Pretty sure I bought The Best of Soul Train collection last year. Wonder where it is? Gonna call Ann, see if she's seen it anywhere.

09:48 PM
Ann didn't pick up. Callin' back. Hope she didn't throw out my Best of Soul Train DVDs. They're probably worth a ton of money now.

10:00 PM
Goddamnit Ann. This is IMPORTANT. A beloved man is gone and I need my Soul Train DVDs to commemorate him by. Callin' back.

10:05 PM
Makin' another C&D to toast Don C with Peanut. Double soul. Pourin' a little out for the main man. It's the Soooooouul Train!

10:15 PM
Gettin' hammered with Peanut. It's the right thing to do. Bet no other white people from work are respectin Don C right now. Had to step up.

10:43 PM
Callin' Ann. Sick of this.

Thu Feb 02 2012

11:11 AM
If Peanut can make people kill themself by talkin' about them like Don Cornelius, we should have a big discussion about Jerry Sandusky.

11:12 AM
I've anyone deserves a barrel in their mouth, it's Jerry Sandusky, NOT the guy who brought us the joy of Soul Train, you guys. Ain't right.

11:14 AM
Jerry Sandusky'll like burning in hell. They probably have really hot showers for his shenanigans.

02:30 PM
Really lookin' forward to the Super Bowl weekend, you guys.

04:21 PM
Pretty long message from Ann on the answering machine. Says I called 27 times last night about Soul Train. Number seems kinda high.

04:26 PM
Ann wants a call back pronto when I get her message. Guess she wants to have a talk in person. Worried she threw out my Soul Train DVDs.

05:04 PM
If Ann threw out my Best of Soul Train, I'm gonna be so steamed. Gonna make her sweat it out before I call back.

Fri Feb 03 2012

09:45 AM
Happy Friday, you guys. Really draggin'. Stayed up late with Peanut watchin' Soul Train clips on the internet.

09:49 AM
Woke up & Peanut was watchin' this over and over: http://t.co/WrOs4o2G Teary eyed, he said, "why everything get so f*cked up K-Money?"

09:52 AM
Told Peanut, except for the bold flavor revolution, everything in this country seems to move backwards sometimes, you have LOOK for good.

09:59 AM
Always thought Nickelback were corncobs til Dave told me they do the WWE Raw theme. That song rocks. Gotta keep an open mind to new things.

10:11 AM
Told Peanut, I don't LIKE Nickelback but I'll rock Burn It To The Ground when I'm real pumped to party in the 'Bring. Gotta take advantage.

10:16 AM
Folks that say everything sucks now are just lazy. It takes a Indiana Jones to be the first man to try Mango Hab wings. Macho trailblazin.

10:21 AM
Good taste comes down to your filter. When I get a new rock tee from Kohls, I only get the BEST one, not 10 of 'em & water down my 'drobe.

10:51 AM
A good song's a good song. A good tee's a good tee. A good flick's a good flick. People like to write off fun stuff just to look smart.

10:57 AM
Remember Ken gave me crap for seein Transformers 3. Yeah? Guess what? Like that'll matter when we're both dead. I like explosions. So sorry.

10:59 AM
I have a dream there'll come a day when all these hotshots'll stop actin' like they're too good for McRibs, cold ones, and rock n roll.

12:26 PM
Started on my Super Bowl Celebraish 2012 shoppin' list. #1: Plenty of ice. No one wants a bathwater Crown & Diet.

12:28 PM
SBCSL 2012- #2: Cold ones. Good variety. Never know when your taste'll change when you're a 12 pack deep. Might need a bold flavor brew.

12:30 PM
SBCSL 2012- #3: Shrimp platter. For VIPs only. No "friends of friends." Kind of an unwritten rule but it's best to make a sign to be safe.

12:33 PM
SBCSL 2012- #4: Lil' Smokies. Real crowd pleaser. Have to get the Crock Pot outta Dave's room. Don't know what he does with it in there.

12:37 PM
SBCSL 2012- #5: Full chip spread. 'Ritos, Ruffles, 'Tos, Yuns, Rinds, Scoops. No store brand. The works.

12:44 PM
Nothin' says, "I could give a crap if you're at my home" like store brand snacks. Just spend your time alone if you wanna have no class.

07:32 PM
SBCSL 2012- #6: Fixins' for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship Dip. The bold flavors you crave from a supreme 'za all in 1 dip from the Italian seas.

07:53 PM
Legend has is that Italian sailors didn't have ovens to cook dough. Cravin' 'za, they made Pizza Dip. Captain Karl keeps that tradish alive.

07:56 PM
"Captain Karl's has the bold flavors you crave on his all new Bold Cravors menu." Gotta put that in my CKPS notebook for later.

07:59 PM
Got a buttload a cold ones for the Super Celebraish. Couldn't fit nothin else in the cart. Told Dave we could have a few if he replaces em.

08:01 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys. Goin' down so smooth.

Sat Feb 04 2012

12:33 PM
Me Dave & Peanut really put a dent in the cold ones that were s'posed to be for the Super Celebraish. Probably shouldn't've bought em early.

12:44 PM
Was steamed we drank too many cold ones. Peanut said, "Why you mad K-Money? That's how we do this shit!" Peanut's smarter than you'd think.

12:46 PM
Peanut's right. That IS how we do this shit. Never feel bad about drinkin' the cold ones. There is no "too many." They'll make more. USA.

12:50 PM
If you wanna have a rockin Super Bowl Celebraish, ya gotta tear it up the Fri & Sat before. Go all out. You play how you practice, you guys.

01:05 PM
Dave just had a great idea. Is it ok to drink cold ones while you shop for cold ones? They sell cold ones, it's indoors, so must be legal.

01:07 PM
Feelin' REAL good today! Super pumped for the Super Bowl Celebraish. Gonna pound a few and hit the store to restock.

01:24 PM
Somedays there ain't nothin' that can stop you. And ain't nothin wrong with simple rock n roll that makes ya feel good. http://t.co/TeKpC3AY

05:03 PM
Some kid in the dairy section tried to give me & Dave crap bout drinkin' cold ones in the store. They were in koozies and brought from home!

05:05 PM
When I go to the grocery store every other wideload mom is suckin' down a coffee drink from outside, why can't I have a cold beer from home?

05:07 PM
Dave told that dairy kid to shut his mouth and know his role, then pounded a beer in his face. It was harsh, but deserved. He went Davecore.

05:11 PM
The manager got all up in our face when I was gettin' my Pizza Dip fixins'. Already finished our cold ones. Told him WE were bein' harassed.

05:13 PM
Grocery manager asked why we had koozies if we weren't drinkin' beers. I said, "Dunno, why do cowboys have holsters, corncob?"

05:15 PM
When you're right about something, and someone won't budge, it's ok to lie right to their face. Either that or open up a can of whuppass.

05:19 PM
Told the grocery store manager that Karl 3:16 says we'll be takin' our business elsewhere. Really shut that bag of crap down.

06:21 PM
Gotta prep my Captain Karl's Pizza Dip before I get too bombed in preparin' to get bombed at the celebraish tomorrow, you guys.

06:22 PM
Captain Karl's Pizza Dip: This dish is sure to please at any Super Bowl Celebraish. Kicked up with bold supreme 'za flavors, you don't...

06:27 PM
...have to be a dirty guido sailor to score a touchdown in the endzone of the 7 seas. CK'sPD'll get ya flagged for an excessive celebraish!

06:30 PM
Captain Karl's Supreme Pizza Dip: 1 package of cream cheese. Plenty of chopped 'roni. 2 cups of mozz'. Black & green olives. Some...

06:33 PM
...chopped sweet onion, 1 fine diced clove of garlic (kicks it up off the chain), a jar of whatever PIZZA sauce (not 'ghetti), and...

06:36 PM
...some browned & crumbled spicy italian sausage. I likes to add a few dashes of Frank's. So money. Layer it all in a Pyrex...

06:38 PM
...top with parm & hot shakey pepps. Bake at 375 til it's done. Don't be stupid about it. You'll be able to tell. I serve that bad boy...

06:40 PM
...with Frito's Scoops. They can handle the bold situaish. And if ya wanna hit it with some ranch before servin', I ain't gonna stop ya.

Sun Feb 05 2012

10:24 AM
Super Bowl Sunday Celebraish 2012. All hands on deck! Let's roll, you guys.

11:39 AM
Crap, still haven't rang Ann back. Gotta get that outta the way so it doesn't interrupt the big day. She can be thoughtless sometimes.

11:50 AM
Heard Madonna's rollin' out her old beefers for the halftime gig. Hope she does Lucky Star. Real funky. Big shout out to beautiful Bay City.

12:22 PM
Gonna make up a batch of Top Shelf Margs (special recipe) to really "kick off" the celebraish. Ha! Makin em double special, you guys. (wink)

12:59 PM
The Super Bowl is the most important holiday of the year. It's for ALL Americans, not like Christmas. Today, we rock as one, you guys.

01:00 PM
We're gonna burn it to the ground tonight!

01:03 PM
Crap, gotta go ring Ann before these margs kick in.

03:02 PM
Finally got off the phone with Ann. Said she's filing for divorce. Good riddance. Nothin's gonna ruin today. NOTHIN.

03:12 PM
Women like to time bad news like "Filin for divorce" to ruin things like the Super Bowl. I'll show her. Take the celebraish off the chain!

03:19 PM
America, you guys. Take your goddamn hats off for this beautiful lady.

03:41 PM
Budweiser Platinum has "Top Shelf Taste." Might have to check it out. Too bad they made a vampire commersh for 12 year old girls.

03:44 PM
Whoa, Peanut sure looks alot like that Flavor Flavor buffoon. Might have to take advantage. Celebs get all the primo babes.

04:40 PM
Man, watchin' the Super Bowl just feels so much better knowin' I'm free from the ol' ball & chain. Single & ready to mingle, you guys.

04:53 PM
Dave's breakin' out a little grass from his "secret stash." Really kick up the halftime to the next level. Peanut's raisin' the roof.

04:56 PM
Peanut's real steamed we don't have any grape blunts. Guess it's an old street secret from the brothers. Sounds like a bold flavor situaish.

05:13 PM
Madonna is one foxy grandma, you guys.

05:15 PM
Thank god for the mute button. Madonna looks way better when she's singin' Stranglehold. No Lucky Star? No thank you.

05:22 PM
Holy shit. Clint Eastwood givin' all us proud Americans a feel good on Detroit. On America. I just don't have the...you guys. God bless us.

05:47 PM
At the end of this game, it won't be the Pats or the Giants who win. It's already Detroit, MI. Clint Eastwood, MVP.

06:11 PM
Dave said, "Shot contest. Whoever wins is the best American. Clint Eastwood style." So stupid. Gonna clean his clock though.

06:29 PM
3 to 3.

06:44 PM
6 to 4. I must break Dave. Ther's no easy way out. There's no short cutr home in a shot contest, you gusy

06:54 PM
9 to 6! Dave's abarfed! I won it. I woen the shots! Ha! Caue stone Cold Karal Welzein said so!!

06:56 PM
Gointo Ann's gonna set her straight on who's the man. Gotta style and profile like nevr beifore.,

Mon Feb 06 2012

01:31 PM
Didn't bother goin' to work. Probably dead there. It's pretty much an unwritten rule that Super Bowl Monday is really Sunday this week.

01:32 PM
If you went to work today, man, you gotta be one of the biggest kiss asses in town, pal.

01:38 PM
Woke up in the neighbor's Grand Am this mornin. Guess I tossed my cookies. Could've already been there though? It was unlocked.

01:43 PM
If you black out & puke in someone else's car instead of your own, that shows you have the self protective instinct of an alpha male.

02:01 PM
Orderin' an Papa's fave from Papa J's. Get that in me and a few patch it up cold ones. No need to feel like death when there's a simple fix.

02:09 PM
Super Bowl Monday is the time when we reflect on how blessed we are to live in a country where you can live so hard that you wanna die.

05:16 PM
Told Dave he could have a slice of my Papa J's. He took one & put it in his dresser. Wanna say somethin, but I'm just gonna let it go.

05:18 PM
Really lookin' forward to the single life, you guys. I've been holdin back on the babe front cause of Ann, but not anymore. It's nasty time.

06:00 PM
Divorced? It's just halftime, America. I can't be knocked out with one punch. I'll get right back up again...

06:01 PM
...and when I do, babes all around the world are gonna hear the roar of my engine.

Tue Feb 07 2012

02:23 PM
I couldn't give any less of a crap about today even if I owned the tiniest toilet in the world, you guys.

04:52 PM
Ann rang. Supposed to meet with her "lawyer" later this week. Can't wait you see who this ambulance chaser is. Gotta shut him down.

04:57 PM
Where'd Ann even get a lawyer from anyway? From the back of that Good Friends toilet explosion cereal? This'll be a laugh.

05:03 PM
When that sucker in a 3 piece gets a whiff of my swag, he'll be shakin' in his shoes. Can't wait to get it on.

Wed Feb 08 2012

09:21 AM
Whoa, just hit me. Maybe Ann only filed for divorce so she could get my attention for Valentimes Day? Makes sense now. She must be hard up.

09:30 AM
Valentimes Day is a load. Tells babes that carnal passions are a once a year trade for crap. For me romance is a 24/7, 365 situaish.

09:36 AM
Might go all out for Valentimes. Show Ann what she's gonna miss. This K-Money swag doesn't grow on trees. Might get her somethin' from Kay.

10:59 AM
"Every kiss begins with Kay" sounds like it was written by that prostitute who screwed over Richard Gere for the big bucks. Pretty sad.

11:29 AM
Kay, Zales & Jared are all basically tellin your sweetie they're worthless unless they get a piece of junk in exchange for carnal pleasures.

11:32 AM
"Every prostitute begins with Kay." It's a gateway drug to takin' your pants off for anything worth money. Protect the children, you guys.

01:52 PM
Supposed to meet Ann & her chump lawyer on Friday. Goin to do some 'shups in the john. Always go into war with your guns blazin', you guys.

Thu Feb 09 2012

10:12 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

10:32 AM
Nosey Lady said that the head honcho is comin in tomorrow & wants to sit down for our guy to guy. Told her I have to meet Ann for divorce.

10:34 AM
Nosey said, "Oh Karl, I'm so sorry! I didn't know you were having a split, it explains alot." She musta noticed how much more swag I got.

10:37 AM
Guess Nosey went through a breakup last year. Said we should have a talk and that she'd reschedule Honcho for Monday so I have more time.

10:49 AM
Guess divorce kinda gets you sympathy even if you're macho about it behind the scenes. Might have to drag it out. Gotta take advantage.

11:02 AM
Whether you're goin through a death, divorce, or explosive diarrhea, people either try & relate or just look the other way. Both are polite.

12:36 PM
Why don't toilets have little "rearview" mirrors so you can see how you're doin' on the clean up situaish? It'd be so plush. Real high end.

06:27 PM
Made a prototype post-bm cleanup mirror. I call it "The Backdoor Reflector." Dave saw it and freaked out. He's not comfortable with his bod.

06:38 PM
Gettin' my outfit together for the meeting with Ann & the lawyer tomorrow. Wearin' my Maui Jims. Gotta style & profile.

06:41 PM
Thinkin' about cuttin' the sleeves off my dress shirt so when my sport coat comes off, it's like, "bam." Classy, yet intimidating.

06:49 PM
Can't wait for Ann to see me in action when I get down to biz with her divorce lawyer. My power moves'll have her thinkin' twice.

07:04 PM
If you want a babe to crave you carnally, you gotta shut down whoever she has in her hero position. Shows you're the dominant predator.

Fri Feb 10 2012

07:27 PM
Been out celebratin' at 'Bees. Really shut that lawyer down. When I showed up he said to Ann, "Are you serious?" He knew he was toast.

07:33 PM
Ann's lawyer said his name was "Darren." Asked if that was a girl's name. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. Idiot.

07:36 PM
Made sure to leave my Maui Jims on. Shows that you don't respect another man enough to let him see your eyes. It's an Arabian power move.

09:15 PM
When Darren asked if I'd like some water, I got out my pocket cold one. Told him, "Sorry, I have a MAN'S thirst, Darren." BOLD power move.

09:18 PM
Ann told me, "Stop it, Karl. You're embarrassing yourself." Then I took off my sportcoat and, BAM, sleeveless dress shirt. Checkmate, Ann.

09:22 PM
When you go into an offish meeting with a 'rang, rockin' pony, a sleeveless dress shirt, & Maui Jim shades, everyone else better pucker up.

09:26 PM
When Darren tried to start with his legal crap, it was time to play hardball. The Walkman came out & my Whitesnake tape slid in. POWER move.

09:29 PM
I timed it just right to the most rockin' part of Still of The Night, crushed my Busch, tossed in the the corner and told Ann...

09:32 PM
...if you wanna get dirty, we can do it one on one. But I ain't hearin' crap from no corncob lawyer in a lady's purple blouse.

09:34 PM
I'm Captain Karl, The Mayor of Bad Boy City, USA. NEVER forget, you guys.

09:36 PM
I musta sat in the 'Bring for 45 minutes crankin' Still of The Night over and over. So pumped. When Ann and that Darren...

09:36 PM
...piece of trash came out, I gave him the cut your throat sign and peeled out. Hit a curb, but still, pretty badass.

09:38 PM
Had to get it on, so I hit 'Bees for a one man celebraish. Bought some babes 5 or 6 rounds. They had to split, but I made a sweet impresh.

09:39 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now.

09:49 PM
If you time a power move to 3:57 in Still of The Night by Whitesnake, it's like touchin' the hand of God, and anything is possible.

Sat Feb 11 2012

12:48 PM
It's colder than a witch's chest beefer outside. Gonna settle in with a 12 piece Busch for some well earned slow sippin'.

12:51 PM
Dave says we should go on Spring Break this year. Myrtle Beach? Panama City? Daytona? Might be what the doctor ordered. Could use some R&R.

Sun Feb 12 2012

04:24 PM
Heard that Whitney Houston babe passed on. Guess she was a doper. Pretty sad. Wish I coulda done somethin'.

04:36 PM
Maybe all Whitney Houston needed was a heart to heart over a coupla cold ones. Sometimes we all need a nudge towards the health zone.

04:38 PM
Heard it all went downhill for Whitney Houston when she hooked up with that one bozo who likes to pee on babes.

04:56 PM
Now's the time for everyone to band together for the children. Teach them to stick to cold ones and let them lead the way, you guys.

08:39 PM
Big meetin' tomorrow with the head honcho. Ridin' high after shuttin' that lawyer down. Time to style & profile like never before.

08:40 PM
If you're gonna make everyone eat your dust, the least you can do is kick it up with bold flavors, you guys.

Mon Feb 13 2012

06:07 PM
Had quite a day with the head honcho. Havin' a guy to guy is how business gets done. Might be movin' up the ranks.

06:17 PM
Head honcho wanted to meet at Chili's. Said I was on a break from there 'cause of "The Peener." Gave him a nod. Could tell he heard of it.

06:18 PM
The Peener must be really sweepin' the nation. He didn't even ask me about it. Gotta start lookin' for it in music videos.

06:22 PM
Told Head Honcho that the move lately has been to hit up 'Bees. Maybe the lunch crowd babes could feel our power moves.

06:28 PM
Lunch was on work so I got the 2 for 20 'Bees combo for 1. Gotta take advantage. Maximizin your dollar shows leadership skills.

06:32 PM
Head honcho said they were thinkin' about movin' me on 'til Nosey Lady told him 'bout the split with Ann. Said it explained alot.

06:34 PM
Never thought about it, but I guess Ann really held me back. Don't blame 'em. No one wants a married snooze around. Makes sense.

06:39 PM
Started tellin' Honcho about how I was in a real groove. About Peanut. CKPS. All the babes on my jock. The works.

06:42 PM
After Honcho head my story, he seemed kinda sad, like his life was a steamer. Joined me in a Main St.'Rita. They go down so smooth.

06:46 PM
Think my story could help folks. Might have to show someone this crap when I get to the top. Really inspired the Head Honcho to rock.

06:51 PM
Head Honcho musta had 6 Main St. 'Ritas. Told him we should slow down, but he just kept lookin' at me sad. Had to be strong and encouraging.

06:55 PM
Told Honcho we should go to Paddy's. Keep the guy to guy goin as an all day celebraish. Had to help him to the 'Bring.

06:57 PM
Honcho kept sayin' "I'm sorry Karl. Not supposed to drink." Ha! Looked like he knew what he was doin' so I got out some trunk liquor.

07:00 PM
After we had a few shots at Paddy's, told Honcho I'd take him back to work, but he'd have to find his own ride to 'Bees. I'm not a taxi.

07:03 PM
Can't wait to rub it in Nosey Lady's face how the Honcho is my new main man. He even called her a pigout! Gonna drop the bomb.

07:05 PM
Anytime you have a guy to guy that ends in a possible physical illness, you know a real bond has been created for life, you guys.

08:19 PM
Super pumped for the Valentimes Day celebraish. You never know what lonely babes have urges for last second carnal passions.

08:23 PM
Wearin' my red silk shirt tomorrow. So plush. Mad swag. It's got a couple stains, but you can hardly see 'em. Can't get rid of "Lucky Red."

08:26 PM
Haven't gotten out "Lucky Red" for a few years. Wasn't really any point with "Dead End Ann" ridin' the love breaks. Could clean up tomorrow.

Tue Feb 14 2012

09:55 AM
Guess the Head Honcho might be in hot water. Nosey Lady said he came back to work & puked. Vernon and Ken had to carry him outta the john.

09:58 AM
It's a real shame. Honcho might have a drinkin' problem. Hope he gave me the thumbs up before he vomited and passed out like a slob.

10:03 AM
Brought my jam box to work. Settin the tone with some carnal grooves. Dave let me borrow his Atlantic Starr tape. Gotta make it special.

10:06 AM
Ken gave me crap bout my red silk shirt. Keeps lookin at my guy nips and sayin, Turkey's Done. Assclown. It's SUPPOSED to be sheer & erotic.

10:42 AM
Made myself a nice shoe box mail box for Valentime's. Says, "Captain Karl's Erotic Post Office. Insert the love!" Ha! (Just some guy humor.)

10:46 AM
Wonder what Ann's up to. Might be a good day to have "one for the road." Don't wanna jump the gun though. Gonna farm team her til late nite.

10:51 AM
On Valentime's, there's sad ol chest beefers just achin for passion from coast to coast. Gotta hold out for premium taste. Can't get greedy.

12:01 PM
No one gave me a Valentime yet. Not ONE. Turnin' up "Always." Undoin' another button on Lucky Red. Goin' to the john to re-'logne.

12:32 PM
Came back from my re-'logne & a quick grunt. Had a Valentime in my Erotic Post Office. No name on it. Just says "Chin Up, Karl. Bless you."

12:34 PM
Hmm, "Chin up. Bless you?" Could be carnal innuendo. Sort of a Madonna taboo thing. Either way, the heat is on.

12:41 PM
Gonna go hang out by the 'Bring. Maybe have some trunk liquor. Really let my erotic vibes air out. Pits are soakin my red silk like a demon.

05:15 PM
Work didn't do crap for Valentime's. Even had to stay the whole day. So stupid. People need time to rev up for erotic redline fantasies.

05:21 PM
Hair dried the pits on my silk shirt. Headin out with Dave to hunt down only the finest lonely sea wenches. Might get hot n heavy.

Wed Feb 15 2012

01:03 PM
Last night pretty much rocked. Had to sleep at work though. Still wearin my red silk shirt. Spilled nachos on it so at least I look partied.

01:18 PM
Dave wore his "I have a heart on for you" tee. Such a classic. Babes are always like, "WHAT?!" Really gets a convo goin.

01:26 PM
We hit up Paddy's first and I gotta say, the babes were top shelf. You could smell the bold flavor of desire in the air. Real premium.

01:34 PM
Me and Dave bee lined right to a pair of babes with hungry man chest beefers. Over a pound of food. I took the lead, Maverick style.

01:35 PM
I broke the ice with, "You babes ready to rock tonight or are you easy listening?" Then Dave pointed at his "I have a heart on" tee.

01:43 PM
I ordered a round of romance with trainin wheels. You could tell these babes were thirsty for love 'cause there was no time for thank yous.

01:53 PM
I puked my first shot into my mouth but got it back down the hatch. Could tell the babes were impressed. Power move. Might do it more often.

02:02 PM
After I paid their tab, the babes had to split. Said we could party another time but they were havin' gals night. Gotta respect the ladies.

02:50 PM
Hmmm...can't remember those babes names. Dave said he memorized their number. Wrote it down under, "Succulent Chest Beefers."

08:55 PM
Still don't know how I woke up at work today. Kinda confused. Nice to imagine the possibilities though.

09:07 PM
If ya black out from booze, but wake up covered in nachos, it lets you know everything was a-ok. Nothin bad happens when you're eatin 'chos.

Thu Feb 16 2012

10:46 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:21 PM
Not feelin' so hot today, havin' alot of 'rrhea problems. Gonna eat a bunch of string cheese.

06:09 PM
SI Swimsuit Ish came today. Can almost see that Kate Upton babe's downstairs situaish on the cover. Racy, but you can tell she's all class.

06:12 PM
If you're gonna have a all night drippy backdoor problem, you couldn't ask for more than the new Swimsuit Ish. Plento of time to soak it in.

06:20 PM
Pg 102 of the Swimsuit Ish has a little somethin' special for the brothers. Oooo wee! Wish I could show Peanut. Don't know where he's been.

Fri Feb 17 2012

12:28 PM
Ann rang. Said she's "concerned" about my behavior and maybe I should see a therapist. I'M not concerned, so why would I see one? Stupid.

12:35 PM
Ann says she's been goin to therapy to deal with the divorce. She must be goin' bonkers missin' my touch. Wonder if the kids are in danger?

12:38 PM
When someone says they're "concerned" about you, it probably just means they're jealous of how hard you rock and can't stand your mad swag..

12:43 PM
Never believed in therapy. Heard the Sciencetologists use it to make people reverse gay. It's wrong to stop folks from struttin their stuff.

12:47 PM
The only therapist I talk to is Dr. Cold One, M.D. No appointment needed, you guys.

Sat Feb 18 2012

12:38 PM
Great. Guess Ann called my bro Al with her "concerned about me" bullcrap. SHE'S the one in therapy like some kook. Not me. Really steamed.

01:00 PM
If Ann wants to play hardball in the divorce, you can call me Batman. Just like that black teacher guy who beat up those kids for justice.

01:02 PM
If Ann tells any more people that I'm losin' my marbles, she's gonna be drivin' around with a smashed windshield. That's a fact.

01:05 PM
I'd never lay a hand on a woman. Not my style. But I'll destroy some property if I technically own it. It's legal and fair.

01:06 PM
Heard they let that Chris Brown buffoon still perform at the Grammy's even though he smacked around that babe. Real shame. No class.

01:08 PM
The only type of justice for guys who hit women is street justice. Plain & simple. Men have to stand up for the ladies. It's a carnal duty.

01:12 PM
If I could get my mitts on that Chris Brown piece of trash, I'd crush his face. Put him in the hospital for a few days on behalf of the USA.

01:16 PM
How has none of the rapper "gangsters" given Chris Brown an ass kickin? They ain't real men I guess. Hope I see him on the streets sometime.

01:19 PM
Alotta times, when guys hate women, it's 'cause they hate themselves 'cause they like guys but don't wanna admit it. Like Chris Brown.

01:21 PM
Hope someone beats the livin' hell outta Chris Brown before he comes out, 'cause then it's wrong to do. Gotta be tolerant, you guys.

Sun Feb 19 2012

02:35 PM
Just remembered tomorrow's President's Day! Gotta hoist a few cold ones for the Commander in Chief, you guys.

02:41 PM
I bet Barry O. is havin a blast this weekend. The Oval Office must be rockin.' Tons of eats, drinks, chips & dip. The works. Full spread.

02:44 PM
When you're the Prez, and it's YOUR day, man, I bet no carnal desire goes unfilled. Michelle probably goes all out. Maybe even a silk teddy?

03:00 PM
Can't believe I forgot tomorrow's a day off. Time to swear myself in as President of Cold One City, USA.

03:03 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Mon Feb 20 2012

01:26 PM
I feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

01:34 PM
The prez gives us the day off today for drinkin' on behalf of the USA. Usin' it for errands or some crap is real disrespectful.

01:54 PM
Makin' up a batch of Top Shelf 'Mericaritas. Bold Mexico flavors, born free attitude. Perfect for USA amigos.

02:09 PM
If your boss makes you go to work today, it's pretty much like takin' a big leak on all the president's graves or faces if they're not dead.

05:26 PM
On about our 6th pitcher of 'Mericaritas. Ran outta marg stuff. They're just Jim Beam & Squirt now. Gotta keep the celebraish rockin'!

05:30 PM
Jim Beam & Squirt is the perfect way to say, "Hey, WE'RE America, and if you don't like it you can smooch us where the sun don't shine."

05:32 PM
Jim Bean & Squirt; it's the 'Mericarita. Smuggle some into your house today. No hot & dirty van necessary.

07:41 PM
Dave jsut said he's prbably better at basketball than me, he's stupid gonna wanna punch is faec!

Tue Feb 21 2012

10:28 AM
Hurtin' real bad today. President's day was a rough one. I bet Barry O. just wants to die. He probably went hardest for the celebraish.

10:40 AM
Feelin' REAL bad. Jim Beam & Squirt was goin' down too smooth. Slept on the kitchen floor. Neck's all pinched up. Hard to move and think.

10:47 AM
Forgot today was Fat Tuesday. Didn't wear beads or get paczkis. Really blew it. It's only once a year! Hate missin out. Need to be involved.

10:49 AM
Sick of this. I'm just too busy these days to remember every holiday. Work didn't even remind us on Friday. They're so inconsiderate.

10:51 AM
Screw it. Goin out for beads, paczki's, and a trunk liquor Slurpee. I'm pretty much the #1 partier at work. Gotta be responsible, you guys.

07:46 PM
Can't stop barfing. Feel so weak, you guys.

Wed Feb 22 2012

09:48 AM
Over did it yesterday. Drank 6 Slurpees with trunk liquor in the 7-11 parking lot. Fat Tuesday is all about showin respect to New Orleans.

09:50 AM
7-11 didn't have any paczki's, so I just loaded up on GO-GO Taquitos. They're full of meat, cheese, and awesome. Musta ate a thousand.

09:58 AM
Couldn't find beads, but I told some babes they could try on my chain for a sec in exchange for a beefer flash. Said no. Too cold I guess.

10:04 AM
Couldn't go back to work. Barfed in 7-11 goin for my 7th Slurp. Destroyed the nacho department. Was asked to leave. Was leavin anyway, Tito!

10:08 AM
Spent all night pukin my guts out. It's a Fat Tuesday tradish to honor the French Quarter which is basically a toilet/bar. Real convenient.

10:13 AM
Gotta get back on track after the holidays. Goin for salad & SIX mango habs for Wing Weds lunch. Alpha males sense when it's time to bod up.

05:40 PM
Went to BW3's 'cause I go their for Wing Wednesday. It's a special day I made up to help get me through the week with a little...

05:42 PM
...push. That's when I found out it was National Marg Day. I've been a Top Shelf Marg man from way back, so I had to get it on. Guess...

05:44 PM
...I had too many 'cause I woke up in my car at B-Dubs with it running. Missed another half day of work. Gotta figure some things out.

05:45 PM
...it's just not fair how many holidays have been lately. I gotta try harder. It's too much stress. But I can't miss out. I just feel...

05:46 PM
...like I'm losin' my grip. Gotta hold on kitty cat. Gotta write to remember. Cold ones to forget. Gonna kickass tomorrow. Get in shape.

05:49 PM
The works, full spread. Makin' another batch of Margs. Important. I can do it if I set my mind to the celebraish. So bold, bold flavors...

05:49 PM
, you guys.

Thu Feb 23 2012

09:44 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

09:54 AM
Got up early today. Took a 45 minute shower nap. Combines sleepin in with gettin up & at 'em. If you take a whizz too it's triple tasking.

10:01 AM
Got really inspired by that oriental hoops player. Guess he came outta nowhere from bein a deliver driver or something. Who knows?

10:07 AM
They gotta make a movie about Jeremy Rin. Have Jackie Chan play him with Chris Tucker as his bozo buddy. Could be hilarious WITH a message.

10:10 AM
I'd sure like to see a corncob like Kobe start crap with Jeremy Rin on the court. He show 'em some kung fu moves from the Chinatown streets.

10:15 AM
Who knows what other orientals are out there with sports talents? Gotta be open minded. Remember when blacks couldn't play baseball? So sad.

10:17 AM
My son plays most of his sports on Nintendo. Wonder if that's where Jeremy Rin got his smooth moves? Could be the next training craze.

10:19 AM
Ken says it's Jeremy "Lin," not "Rin." I TOLD Dave he was wrong about how to pronounce it. Been sayin it all day. Feel like a racist jerk.

Fri Feb 24 2012

12:15 PM
Im your Friday man, stop me when I'm passin by. Im your Friday man, stop me when I'm passin by. See all my weekend is guaranteed to satisfy!

12:16 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

12:27 PM
Picked up the new Van Halen album at Best Buy. Good to see the boys back together with Diamond Dave. Keepin it in my pocket. Looks badass.

12:30 PM
Might have to hit Paddy's later. Might be some babes there that'll wanna hear the new Van Halen in the 'Bring. Then it's Makeout City, USA.

12:35 PM
If a babe hears Diamond Dave's pipes after a few top shelf margs and still wants her top on, she probably ain't into guys. That's a fact.

12:38 PM
Sammy Hagar brings out the bold party vibe, but if you really want electric carnal passions, then it's Diamond Dave all the way, you guys.

12:41 PM
"Hey Karl, is that the new Van Halen album?!" Damn right. "Wow. I really hate that we're not listening to it in your car." Let's roll.

12:47 PM
If I'm talkin' to a babe, and she says she isn't into Van Halen? I give her the thumbs down and walk away. That's just a personal rule.

12:51 PM
If you hear Van Halen's "Somebody Get Me A Doctor" and don't wanna pound a thousand cold ones like a god, you better check your pulse.

03:06 PM
If there's one thing no one can judge you for, it's bein' a Van Halen man. Anyone who does is just a piece of trash.

03:09 PM
Can't wait to head out with my new Van Halen cd JUST peakin outta my pocket. It's a subtle power move that makes the babes crave your touch.

05:15 PM
Whoa, it's lent or some crap already?! Gonna hit Mickey D's for a Filet O Fish before headin out. Gotta take advantage. And it's respectful.

Sat Feb 25 2012

04:09 PM
Really hurtin. Stayed at Paddy's late fishin for babes with my new Van Halen cd. No bites. Don't understand. Are babes not into VH anymore?

04:13 PM
Was readin the Van Halen cd jacket in the 'Bring eatin my Filet O Fish. Got tartar sauce all over it. Pretty steamed. Might say somethin.

04:15 PM
How am I supposed to get a babe topless with a Van Halen cd covered in tartar sauce?! Kinda looks creepy. Mickey D's should be more careful.

04:19 PM
Van Halen cd WITHOUT tartar sauce on it = Mad swag, carnal passions, Chest Beefer City, USA. Covered in tartar sauce = Desperate & lonely.

04:29 PM
Gonna go back to Best Buy. Get a new Van Halen cd WITHOUT tartar sauce all over it. See if Mickey D's'll pay for it. Kinda their fault.

Sun Feb 26 2012

02:07 PM
Got pretty outta control last night. Some babes tricked me into gettin out my peener. Played it cool. They laughed but humor turns babes on.

02:09 PM
The babes told me to make a "bad boy pose" with my peener out and took a picture. I'm not professional model, but I did my best.

02:18 PM
Hope my peener pose pics don't get out. Don't wanna be known as the town playboy. I try to keep a classy vibe.

02:24 PM
If babes are takin pics of your peener, you're either doin somethin real right, or doin somethin real wrong. It's all perspective, you guys.

07:38 PM
Dave wants to watch The Oscars. We own Bad Boys II on DVD, Dave. Why would we watch that crap?

07:40 PM
Gonna put on the Oscars for a sec...yuck, gross babes. Who cares. Puttin' in Bad Boys II.

07:44 PM
If you own Bad Boys II on DVD, and you still have to sit through the Oscars, your gal must really have your sack nailed down, you guys.

Mon Feb 27 2012

10:54 AM
Goin back to Mickey D's today. Had to buy a second Van Halen cd to replace the one I got tartar sauce on. Gonna file a complaint.

02:33 PM
Really gave Mickey D's a piece of my mind. Told the manager they ruined my Van Halen cd jacket by over tartaring. It's a bold flavor foul.

02:36 PM
Told the Mickey D's manager I needed reimbursement for the other Van Halen cd I had to buy, pronto. And NOT in clown money.

02:37 PM
Mickey D's should be careful. If a coffee spill gave 'em hub bub in the rags, just think what a tartar sauce incident could do in USA Today.

02:40 PM
Don't think the Mickey D's manager understood how important my Van Halen cd is to carnal passions of the evening. Must be a solo specialist.

02:43 PM
That Mickey D's manager wouldn't know a power move if Diamond Dave spin kicked it in his face. So I told him that. Straight up. No mixer.

02:45 PM
Told the manager at Mickey D's if he sees any peener pics on the computer, it just might be yours truly, courtesy of a CLEAN Van Halen cd.

02:54 PM
Told that corncob how a defective lock on the ladies made rockin caboose walk in on my backdoor McGriddle fallout. He just stared at me.

02:56 PM
Got so steamed. Told him I'd be back on Friday for 2 for 3 FOF's out of respect for the Big Man, and there better be Van Halen bread waitin.

03:05 PM
If you manage a Mickey D's, chances are you don't know anything about power moves, Van Halen carnal passions, or peener pics, you guys.

Tue Feb 28 2012

10:35 AM
Guess Kid Rock is backin' up that Mitt Romney. Pretty much makes my choice a no brainer. Gotta stay informed, you guys.

10:39 AM
I usually skip over the politics, but when Kid Rock throws his hand in the ring, you know somethin heavy is goin on.

10:44 AM
Guess Mitt is goin head to head with that Rick Santorum guy. Hear he's a corncob. Just a hateful piece of trash.

10:46 AM
Heard Rick Santorum had carnal passions with a dog to prove a point about gay people. Don't think he understands how love works.

10:49 AM
'Course, I can't turn my back on the soul man Barry O. Seems racist. Guess I'll just decide if I make it out to the polls this year.

10:52 AM
Doin' some research on Rick Santorum. Whoa. Seems like he just hates anything that isn't white or Jesus. Definitely not a bold flavor man.

10:53 AM
I guess Rick Santorum is against abortion 'cause anyone who'd vote for him shoulda been one, you guys.

11:08 AM
Just wish they'd get on with a Springsteen/Seger party ticket so the USA could finally rock as one, forever and ever.

Wed Feb 29 2012

10:33 AM
Had Mickey D's for breffest. Really stared the manager down. You gotta let people know problems don't go away just 'cause they ignore 'em.

10:37 AM
Woke Dave up for Mickey D's. He said "Breakfast is for old people & little kids." So is not havin a job and pickin your butt all day, Dave.

10:40 AM
Guess Mitt won the mitten. Love me some Barry O., but it'd sure be sweet to see Kid Rock performin in the oval office.

10:41 AM
If Mitt Romey is pals with Kid Rock, and Kid Rock is pals with Guy Fieri, maybe Guy could be Secretary of Bold Flavors? That'd be so money.

10:44 AM
Goin back to Mickey D's again tomorrow. Give the manager the "gimme moolah or I'll cut your throat" sign. Come Friday, he'll fork it over.

10:55 AM
Gonna grunt out a McGriddle premie to make room for Mango Habs. Shouldn't be a problem. McGriddles usually make a mad dash for the backdoor.

12:27 PM
If a presidential candidate really wants to win, don't promise lower taxes, promise Mickey D's breffest all day. Landslide, you guys.

Thu Mar 01 2012

11:09 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:00 PM
Goin to do some 'shups in the john. Gotta be jacked in case things get hairy at Mickey D's tomorrow.

02:06 PM
You feel how you look. And when my body looks good, just get outta my way 'cause I'm pretty much unstoppable, you guys.

02:15 PM
Whether you're settlin a beef over a Filet O Fish tartar sauce spill or just takin' to the streets, always be ready to style & profile.

05:39 PM
Headin' to Cold One City, USA. Nothin' wrong with a Thirstday celebraish, you guys.

Fri Mar 02 2012

11:53 AM
Got it made, got it made, got it made...I'm Hot for Friday! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:56 AM
Went to Mickey D's for a couple Filet O Fishes and revenge. Guess the manager wasn't in with my check. Ate 'em at the counter. Power move.

11:59 AM
Sure, Mickey D's is known for good times and great taste, but the clown needs to know I'm known for street justice and mad swag.

12:05 PM
I'm an Army of One. A solo grassroots organization that delivers bad boy flavors to big wig punks who mess around. Think Segal said that?

12:07 PM
Probably stop back at Mickey D's for street justice later. Gonna want a few more FOFs anyway. Gotta take advantage of the Lenten savings.

01:38 PM
Heard Men's Health is tryin to take down Chili's for their bold flavors. What do you expect from guy mag with only naked dudes on the cover?

01:46 PM
Men's Health is pretty much secret Playboy for guys with carnal desires for guys. Hope someday we can all be more open minded & tolerant.

01:51 PM
Men's Health should keep their nose outta the bold flavor lifestyle and just stick to reviewin yogurt, salad, & young fellas' beach bodies.

Sat Mar 03 2012

12:08 AM
Bud Light Paltinums hve bold flavro taste and bold flavor alot of booze. I'm pretty drunk. Ok, I'm drunk. Budweisers! Keepin in rockin!!

12:12 AM
I should be sleep but man sometiemes you just gotta keep rockin. Might eat some toast & ranch. screw it, woerk out my bod tomororw.

12:14 AM
everybody who aint on the captain karl ship can kiss my ass. here's my ass. kiss it. (smooch) thanks! bold flaovors

12:20 AM
I gotta really say, "Great job with the BL Plats. Blue bottle. Gets you reall mesed up AND super lo cal for health.

12:21 AM
"Bud Light platinum: Taste that booze on your diet."

12:24 AM
Goinon the outside. Gonna take a whizz on everything and scream at the sky cause I got that feelin to give it to the gods! bud light paltim!

12:28 PM
Really hurtin' today, you guys. Guess things got a little out of hand.

12:29 PM
Had a note on our door this mornin that said, "Please refrain from urinating on our car. Next time we'll be calling the police."

12:32 PM
If you don't remember takin a whizz on someone's car, who's to say it really happened? Coulda been someone who looks like me. Who knows?

12:44 PM
Looks like I wrote "HARDEE'S!" on the coffee table in black Sharpie. Guess I wanted to take a roadie to Hardee's. Think that makes sense?

12:49 PM
Looks like I got a couple BL 'Nums. left. Might have to patch up. It's Saturday. Can't waste it feelin' like dog crap. Gotta take advantage.

12:54 PM
Sure, BL 'Nums have bold taste, but it really takes a backseat to makin you loaded. That's what it's for. I'm not stupid. Just tell us that.

12:58 PM
Who's drinkin' a pile of BL 'Nums just for flavor? No one. "Oh, I can't get enough of this taste!" Advertisers should be more honest.

01:01 PM
If I was writin ads for BL 'Nums, man, they'd sell a crapload. "BL 'Nums: Goes down smooth. Makes you blackout. Good times, great value."

01:07 PM
"If you're not gonna get tore up on Friday, why do you even have Saturday off?" -BL 'Nums, blackout with bold taste in a cool bottle.

02:06 PM
With BL 'Nums, you'll be takin' a whizz on someone else's property real soon. Tell 'em Captain Karl sent ya.

Sun Mar 04 2012

11:46 AM
If you put anything in a mug, it's basically a breffest drink. Like Crown Royal, rums, or other booze. Keeps it classy.

11:59 AM
If you wake up hungover, crank some Seger, and drink 4 ice cold ones, you reach the "God Moment", and anything is possible, you guys.

12:28 PM
Damnit, I'm a man! I SAID I'M A MAN!

12:32 PM
Anyone who could write Feel Like A Number, damn sure would get my vote. That's the take charge attitude this country needs. Bob Seger, USA.

12:34 PM
Ever REALLY listen to the lyrics to Roll Me Away? That song's about America. Gives you pride. I'm goin to the bar. Feelin GOOD.

Mon Mar 05 2012

01:30 PM
Really hurtin' today. Things got kinda outta control at the pad last night after my Seger Sunday Celebraish bar crawl.

01:35 PM
Guess I challenged Dave to "Iron Chef: Pizza Rolls." He wouldn't get off he couch to respect my challenge. Got pretty steamed.

01:37 PM
When a man throws down a challenge to another man, you have to accept. It's the code of the streets. Like in Tombstone.

01:44 PM
Told Dave, if you don't accept this "Iron Chef: Pizza Rolls" challenge, I'll call your dad and tell him what a panty waste his son is.

01:46 PM
Then I remembered Dave's Dad is dead. Dave ran into his room with the waterworks. Think he must have some buried issues. Ha! (sorry)

01:49 PM
Made up a couple Pizza Roll Omelettes. Thought it'd cheer Dave up. It's an omelette with real pizza taste. Bold flavors. Off the chain.

01:54 PM
Dave never came out of his room, so I ate 2 6 egg Pizza Roll Omelettes myself. Havin some issues today. Mostly in the john.

02:07 PM
Ann called. Said we were supposed to meet with her lawyer this morning. Said she emailed me. Who checks email EVERY day?! So unreliable.

02:09 PM
Told Ann, even if I DID get her email, that I've got a sad pal on my hands, AND a backdoor Pizza Roll Omelette problem. She's inconsiderate.

02:14 PM
I don't live by an "email" schedule, Ann. For me, "life" happens. And I'm on that highway all night long, you guys.

08:44 PM
Guess Dave's still got the blues about his dead dad. He never really dealt with it. Glad I brought it up. Good to get stuff out in the open.

08:48 PM
When someone dies, you can't just hold in your grief. Waitin too long makes you look like a weirdo. Gotta take advantage right away.

08:54 PM
I'm not gonna spring for "I'm sorry" 'za & cold ones for Dave's dead dad NOW. That ship's sailed, kimosabe. Death is forever, not sympathy.

09:04 PM
I mean, when Dave's dad died, I took some work off right away. Didn't even know him either. I'm a go getter when it comes to showin respect.

09:28 PM
Dave's hummin "Eagles Wings" while makin' a PB&J with end crust pieces. Might be the saddest thing I've ever seen. I'm hittin the sack.

Tue Mar 06 2012

01:05 PM
Ann called. Says we have to meet with her lawyer again on Thursday. She sounds desperate. Anything for attention I guess.

01:49 PM
Really lookin' forward to St. Patty's day, you guys.

02:05 PM
Always wanted one of those countdown to St. Patty's clocks. Never seen one in stores though. They should sell em through a limited tv offer.

02:17 PM
Whether you're goin through death, divorce, or a plain ol kick in the sack, St. Patty's can pretty much fix anything. Should be once a week!

02:49 PM
St. Patty's Day, Filet O Fish Fridays, Shamrock Shakes...man, if you stick a gun in your mouth in March, you must really have some problems.

03:01 PM
Gotta go all out this year. Really make it a St. Patty's celebraish to remember. It's on a Saturday! Couldn't've planned it better myself.

03:08 PM
Nosey Lady just asked if I was cryin. No, I'M JUST SUPER PUMPED FOR ST, PATTY'S. Idiot. (Told her I had divorce problems.)

03:19 PM
I'm takin' off. Gotta hit Mickey D's. That manager's supposed to be there. He BETTER have my Van Halen cd money. Time is UP!

Wed Mar 07 2012

12:16 PM
Went into Mickey D's last night for a showdown with the manager over my Van Halen cd reimbursement. Had to get it on.

12:18 PM
The manager said, "I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. My super said spills on your stuff aren't our responsibility." Tried to play hardball.

12:23 PM
Told the manager, "I'm your huckleberry, and that's just my game." Acted like he didn't know what I meant. Went in the john to regroup.

12:26 PM
Called the Mickey D's from the john. Asked to speak to the manager as, "Mr. Welzein's attorney." They said he was "busy." He was not!

12:59 PM
Dropped a massive BM of frustration (NO flush) & came out to give the manager a real smack down. Guess he went on break, so I left a note...

01:00 PM
...on a Mickey D's napkin: "Watch your back, kimosabe." Power. Move.

02:10 PM
Threatenin somebody in person is fine, but a handwritten, anonymous, "WATCH YOUR BACK, KIMOSABE" note'll bring terror for days, you guys,

Thu Mar 08 2012

01:27 PM
Forgot about the meeting with Ann. Oh well. What's she gonna do, divorce me again? Tellin work I have it anyway. I got Thirstday fever!

01:29 PM
Ann was all up my keester about, "what I had to do that was more important!?" What I do is MY business. I'm a one man wrecking machine.

01:32 PM
People who need to nose around in your garbage, probably don't have any bold flavors goin' on in their own fridge, you guys.

01:39 PM
If Ann wants to know what I'm up to so bad, she should stop by and see my mad swag in person. Probably afraid carnal desires'll take over

01:45 PM
Called Ann back. Told her I'm just tryin' to live my life in Bad Boy City, USA...

01:46 PM
...and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Karl Welzein said so, you guys.

03:02 PM
Sure was a treat takin' my 5pm BM in my own private john. Might be the best part of skippin' out for a half day.

03:03 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

07:23 PM
Havin a little Thirstday celebraish. BL 'Nums, chips & dip, the works really. Why worry 'bout tomorrow, when tonight's already tonight?

07:24 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Fri Mar 09 2012

01:02 PM
F.R.-IDAY IN THE USA! F.R.-IDAY IN THE USA! F.R.-IDAY IN THE USA! YEAH-YEAAAHH! Friday in the U.S.A!!! Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

01:48 PM
Really draggin' today. Went pretty heavy on BL 'Nums last night. They go down so smooth, you guys.

01:53 PM
BL 'Nums is like street animal sauce for folks with a roof over their head. Gets you homeless drunk, but with a touch of class.

02:03 PM
If Anheuser Busch put King Cobra in a blue 12 oz bottle and called it "Platinum," white folks'd buy that too. Incognito bold soul taste.

03:00 PM
Drinkin ain't about race or carnal preferences. It brings the USA together. All colors and gay people are equal in Cold One City, USA.

04:51 PM
Stopped at Mickey D's for a couple F O F's. Didn't say a word to the manager but, "You're no daisy.You're not a daisy at all." & walked out.

04:51 PM
Power moves.

04:54 PM
If some corncob does you dirty, just let 'em know: "Rock N Roll Never Forgets," you guys.

06:03 PM
Gonna make it a low style & profile weekend. Gotta plot & scheme for St. Patty's.

Sat Mar 10 2012

02:01 PM
The one week countdown to the St. Patty's celebraish starts NOW. Super pumped. Wish I had one of those clocks. So badass.

02:04 PM
Was gonna take it easy tonight, but my bro Al called. Said we should have some guy on guy time. Really catch up. Should be a blast.

02:07 PM
Anytime the Welzein Bad Boys head out on the town, you know things are gonna get nasty. We're pretty much the hardest partiers in town.

02:15 PM
Gonna go pick up some bold snacks and heavy BL 'Nums. Gotta turn Al on to 'em. Can't wait to see his face when he catches the smoothness.

Sun Mar 11 2012

03:08 AM
Jusr dirty deed done dir t cheeap. Ha! Mannso good to poewer move eith my bro Al.

07:43 PM
Really hurtin', you guys. Pretty much slept the whole day. Got the BL 'Nums blues. Must be why the bottle's that color.

07:46 PM
Sure, BL 'Nums take you to the top of the mountain, but the next day, it's a Demon Drop to your own personal hell.

07:50 PM
Beer company's should do ads where half is in Cold One One City, USA, and the rest shows a guy clutchin a blanket, talkin to the Big Man.

07:52 PM
Guess Al came to hangout 'cause Ann was worried about me. Wait'll she hears how well I'm doin. She'll feel so stupid.

07:55 PM
Al was gone when I woke up. Probably had to get back to the ol' ball & chain. Sure don't miss those days. Such a hassle. Gotta do MY thing.

08:06 PM
Don't remember much about last night except for smashin a toilet we found on the side of the road. Real satisfyin. So loud. Always rocks.

08:08 PM
If you do somethin' that might be looked at as "illegal," just make sure you have Midnight Rider cued up for getaway music. You'll be fine.

08:11 PM
Probably wouldn't be much need for "therapy" if everyone got to pick up a porcelain toilet and smash it to hell on concrete once in awhile.

08:14 PM
If you do somethin destructive that doesn't hurt anybody else, don't see why that's a problem, you guys. Like smashin a toilet to hell.

08:17 PM
When your power moves are on point, you gotta live above the law, you guys.

Mon Mar 12 2012

11:05 AM
Somethin' really awful happened this mornin, you guys.

11:19 AM
Found Homeless Peanut dead inside the 'Bring this mornin'.

11:37 AM
Had to call the police. Wanted to know "my relation to Peanut." Told him, we were "brothers in swag." Didn't get what I meant. So steamed.

11:44 AM
I just hope heaven has room for a Homeless Peanut. The sweetest black angel. Draped in purple velvet and gold. Mad swag, forever and ever.

11:47 AM
Don't know why the Big Man would do this. Sometimes he just don't want you have nothin. Even your homeboys. Taketh away? I smack you down.

11:51 AM
Sent Dave to Kroger for a weekender and some 40s. Don't know if they even have enough to pour out for Peanut. He said I was his N-word.

12:12 PM
When you find a dead pal inside your car, it's a sign that you need to take some time off to reflect. Called work to tell 'em that.

12:24 PM
My life ain't justified by what is given and what is taken away. But why I existed in spite of it all, you guys. Go hard. Never stop. USA.

12:28 PM
Peanut's death might be just what doctor ordered to take control of my life back. Lookin' for God? Look to thy self. Pull your own strings.

12:30 PM
And if a house gets in your way, baby. Burn it down.

12:58 PM
Gonna head to Taco Bell. Peanut used to eat out of the dumpster there. Gotta order inside though. Peanut would've wanted it that way.

01:54 PM
Got 5 Doritos Locos Tacos from the Bell. So bold. Can't believe it's taken this long. Headin back for more. Gotta take advantage, you guys.

02:37 PM
Took down 5 more Loco D'reets. Grievin' so hard. Bold Bell flavors to the rescue.

02:43 PM
Gotta thank the Lord for blessin me with 'Bell tacos, made outta D'reets on the same day I found one'a my best pals, icy cold from death.

03:09 PM
Just when you think the world is filled with nothin' but rancid sadness, The Bell knocks Loco D'reets outta the park. Thanks, Taco Bell.

03:12 PM
The Bell really changed the food game with their Loco D'Reets. BK should come out with a Funyun Whopper.

03:14 PM
Kinda gives me hope that The Bell is doin fine with D'reets. Makes me think the Pizza Ship woulda had a chance with "Cheetos on Anything."

03:23 PM
When the Big Man takes someone away, it's time to look at who's responsible. And punish them with street justice.

03:26 PM
Wonder if I did somethin? Or Dave? Hope not. Probably Ann sendin out her bad vibes about my life. Killed Peanut. Gotta respect the universe.

03:56 PM
Why did Peanut have to die? He was good people. So sad when there's rapists and murderers walkin' around. And that Rick Santorum corncob.

03:59 PM
God, we'd gladly trade you Rick Santorum, that Penn State fella who likes the soapy underage showers, AND Chris Brown, for Homeless Peanut.

06:53 PM
Just caught some z's. Woke up confused. Remembered Peanut is dead. Dave came over & silently gave me a cold one. Still in shock.

06:56 PM
Went to get in the 'Bring. Smells like a homeless guy died in there. 'Cause one did. Gonna need some detailing done.

07:03 PM
Gonna make up a batch of my top shelf margs. (Special grieving recipe) Orderin a Papa J's. Supreme. Gotta stay strong.

07:05 PM
When a pal passes away, it's important to keep shovin it in and dumpin it down 'til you're ready to deal with your feelings.

Tue Mar 13 2012

12:32 AM
Can't sleep. Keep picturin dead Peanut in the ride. Gonna make some Triscuits & mayo. Takes me back to when I was a kid. See if Dave wants.

11:52 AM
Felt weird drivin' to work today in Peanut's place of death. Almost like he was with me in spirit, not just aroma.

11:59 AM
Wearin' a black armband for Peanut today. Cut a sleeve off one of my Piston Bad Boys tees. Made it better, so it worked out.

12:00 PM
Wearin' my Maui Jims at work. Lettin' everyone know I'm mournin' so hard. Looks mad swag too. Peanut woulda wanted it that way.

12:22 PM
Stayed up pretty late rappin to Dave about life over Triscuits & mayo. Felt good to talk it out. Guy to guy.

01:05 PM
Thinkin' about gettin' a tatt in remembrance of Peanut. Somethin' classy, like, "Peanut: Never Forget." Plus, babes go nuts for a tatt man.

01:32 PM
I gotta say, as far as somebody dyin goes, gettin to wear shades all day is probably the best part.

Wed Mar 14 2012

11:42 AM
Happy Wing Wednesday, you guys. Took down a dozen Mango Habs and a couple cold ones. Really hit the spot.

11:46 AM
Feel like people at work are givin me looks cause of my Maui Jims. I'M grievin! There's no rule bout how long you leave on your sad shades.

11:58 AM
When I die, man, I want everyone to wear sunglasses for a year, and kick up the celebraish forever and ever. The works. Full spread.

12:09 PM
If someone dies and you don't take advantage to look cool and get some r&r, it was a life wasted. Gotta be respectful.

12:24 PM
Folks are still goin on about Whitney dyin cause she was a singer. I heard Peanut sing Big Ol Butt a few times. He deserves at least a week.

Thu Mar 15 2012

11:04 AM
Really lookin' forward to the St. Patty's day weekend, you guys.

01:05 PM
March is the most considerate time to die. Filet O Fishes, St. Patty's, Shamrock Shakes, Madness. AND Loco D'reets? Smooths out the mournin.

01:19 PM
Picked up this bad boy for the celebraish: http://t.co/SfRRSUJc I bet that place rocks. Sure love to hang there for St. Patty's, you guys.

02:05 PM
Can hardly sit still at work. So pumped for St. Patty's. Gotta go all out. For Peanut, for the USA. Everything, really.

Fri Mar 16 2012

11:05 AM
Tonight there's gonna be a Friday, somewhere in the town. Tonight there's gonna be a Friday, you'll wanna be around.

11:06 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

11:16 AM
Alotta corncobs say St. Paddy's is all about U2. It's cool if you're a babe, but real bad boys know to turn up the Thin Lizzy, loud & proud.

11:19 AM
Cowboy Song is a song about America by an Irish band that buries anything that Bono weirdo could crap out on his best day, you guys.

11:31 AM
"Roll me over and turn me around, let me keep spinnin' 'til I hit the ground." Put THAT on MY tombstone. SO PUMPED FOR ST. PADDY'S YOU GUYS!

11:58 AM
Can't believe we have to work today. So much plannin to do. Gonna go for another Shamrock Shake. Add my own "spices." Ha! (special recipe)

12:01 PM
When you've got trunk liquor, and Mickey D's sells Shamrock Shakes, you don't have to be Albert Einstein to do the math, you guys.

03:00 PM
Was talkin hoops with Ken, eatin my 5pm Friday Filet O Fishes #s 3 & 4. Nosey Lady said, "Wow Karl. You really like those? Kinda bland."

03:05 PM
So mad at Nosey Lady. Wanted to choke her out. Was a little buzzed from my Jaymo Rockshake so I just got up and went home. So steamed.

03:07 PM
FILET O FISHES ARE "BLAND!?" YOU STUPID SOW! THIS THE USA YOU BAG O CRAP! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, GOOD LUCK FINDIN SOMEWHERE BETTER!

03:11 PM
Hurts my feelins when people have to take the fun out of things. Filet O Fishes make me happy. Is that a crime? Does that make me stupid?

03:18 PM
Didn't have much when I was a kid. Filet O Fishes on Friday were a big treat. Guess I'm just a simple guy, tryin to hold on to the real USA.

03:21 PM
Guess Filet O Fish don't have the boldest flavors, but when I was a kid, they ran Flavortown during the lenten celebraish. Best I could do.

03:28 PM
If someone holds somethin near & dear to their heart that don't hurt nobody, and you dont like it, just keep your trap shut & hate yourself.

09:02 PM
Takin down a few Irish Car Bombs with Dave. Gotta do a taste test. Get it just right for tomorrow. Better hit the sack soon.

09:07 PM
Guess Dave invited Crazy Cooter over for the St. Paddy's celebraish kickoff in the mornin. Idiot. Dave's always tryin to be a big shot.

09:14 PM
Crazy Cooter's pretty cool sometimes, unless he gets too hot on the white lady. Maybe's he's chilled out? People can change I guess.

09:15 PM
Told Dave to just make sure Crazy Cooter brings a dish to pass and some cold ones. I'm not feedin the whole neighborhood.

09:17 PM
Man, these Car Bombs are goin' down so smooth, you guys. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now.

Sat Mar 17 2012

09:29 AM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys. Gotta rally.

09:32 AM
Headin to Mickey D's. Gonna kick off the St. Paddy's celebraish with a patch me up Jaymo Rockshake. It's kind of a tradition I just made up.

09:35 AM
St. Paddy's Day, 2012. Let's roll, you guys. Really show Ireland how we do things, USA style.

11:09 AM
On a day like today, first, you gotta ask yourself, "What's gonna be MY power move?" After that, it's all mad swag, covered in gravy.

Sun Mar 18 2012

02:52 PM
Really hurtin', you guys. Gonna pound a couple Irish Tylenol and drown myself in hoops & a blanket. Gotta be responsible.

Mon Mar 19 2012

01:26 PM
Really draggin' today. Can't focus. They should give us the day off to recoup after a major holiday. So disrespectful to our Mick brothers.

01:30 PM
Tryin to piece together the St. Paddy's celebraish. It's kinda blurry. Been blackin out lately. Must be stress. Maybe I need more vitamin c?

01:37 PM
Was flyin high from the Jaymo Rockshake and a few Guiness when Crazy Cooter came by wearin on a green tux tee. No sleeves. Pretty cool.

01:39 PM
Crazy Cooter took my Shamrock Shake cup and just filled it with Jaymo. Said, "I don't need no fag shake part." Think he missed the point.

01:43 PM
Dave said, "Yeah, me and Cooter don't need no bitch shakes!" Then tried to pound Jaymo out the bottle and spit it up in the sink. Wasteful.

01:46 PM
Dave always tries to showoff when Crazy Cooter's around. Makes me so steamed. Everyone knows I'm pretty much the man anyway.

01:49 PM
I had to keep up with Crazy Cooter. Didn't want to look stupid. Challenged him to a 4 shot & a corned beef sandwich off. Piled high.

01:52 PM
Anyone can do a drinkin contest, but a real man adds in some bold eats. How they used to do it on the high seas. Read that once I think.

01:55 PM
Cooter took 2 bites of his sandwich and threw it at the wall. Said it was all gristle. Told him no way. My corned beef is ALWAYS tender.

02:10 PM
Dave picked up Cooter's sandwich and threw it off the deck. Hit one of the neighbor's kids on their big wheel. Started cryin and ran inside.

02:14 PM
Guess the kid told on us, 'cause some guy came to the door askin who threw the sandwich at his kid's face. Cooter said, "Suck it, assf*uck."

02:18 PM
The kid's Dad started wailin on the door sayin he was gonna call the cops. Decided we should probably go to 'Bee's after he left.

02:31 PM
If you're ever takin heat from the fuzz, it's best to wait it out at 'Bee's. Nothin bad can happen in the sanctity of The Neighborhood.

02:34 PM
'Bee's was pretty rockin'. Guess I blacked out there. Was pretty stressed from Crazy Cooter's bad language. Think my card is still there.

03:29 PM
Last thing I remember from St. Paddy's was Crazy Cooter screamin at some babe, "Gimme all ya got! Gimme all ya got!" Think he has a problem.

03:47 PM
Saw that neighbor guy whose kid got pelted in the face with the corned beef sammy. Hope he's not steamed. Might have to have a guy to guy.

03:49 PM
When you crush a little kid off a big wheel with a sammy in the face, best to make it right by givin his old man a few cold ones.

03:57 PM
Might give Crazy Cooter a ring. Think it'd be best if me, him & Dave all went over to make amends with the sammy face dad. It's a gesture.

Tue Mar 20 2012

10:52 AM
Crazy Cooter said he'll be by later for the big apology as long as I supply the cold ones. It's a real load off my mind. Been worried.

10:53 AM
Did some thinkin. Guess you could technically get into some big trouble for hittin a child in the face with a sammy. Gotta play it smart.

10:55 AM
Gotta bring over a PREMIUM sixer too. Somethin nice like Sam Adams. Show a little class. Real high end micro brew.

11:00 AM
A sixer of domestics says, "I'm KINDA sorry for biffin your kid in the face." But a PREMIUM sixer says, "Please. Don't call the cops."

Wed Mar 21 2012

01:09 PM
Woke up in the BW3's lot after lunch. Great day to take a snooze with the top down, full o' lunch cold ones & wings. Just paradise, really.

01:11 PM
Face is kinda burnt. Had on my Maui Jims though so I kinda have that Guy Fieri look goin on. And, Guy's always on point with style.

01:13 PM
Wonder if that's how Guy gets his signature face burn? Always shovelin' in bold flavors then passin' out in the 'Maro? His life is SO money.

01:23 PM
People keep askin why my face is burnt. Told em, "It's stress related, cause my FRIEND died like a week or whatever ago!" Shut em down.

01:31 PM
If anyone gives ya crap about anything, just keep bringin up the last person ya knew that died. They won't care. They're dead, you guys.

01:50 PM
Never got to the big apology last night. Crazy Cooter just came over, pounded the "we're sorry," PREMIUM sixer and split. Gotta reschedule.

Thu Mar 22 2012

01:00 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:14 PM
Had Crazy Cooter over last night to go apologize for hittin the neighbor's kid in the face with the beef sammy. No one was home though.

02:16 PM
Crazy Cooter lit up a "fat J" and started tellin some tall tale about the one time he started a Faygo wet t-shirt contest at an ICP concert.

02:19 PM
Never heard ICP's music. They look pretty wild though. Like Guy Fieri if he was comin to murder you in a Triple D nightmare from hell.

02:23 PM
Crazy Cooter said he was sprayin Rock n Rye on all the babes chest beefers and everyone was chantin' his name. Sounds pretty far fetched.

02:26 PM
Dave thinks it's true. Like he's ever been involved in a wet tee situaish. If anyone should be soakin down chest beefers, it's Captain Karl.

02:31 PM
Crazy Cooter said the ICP babes also like when you spit on their "bombs" Sounds disrespectful. They must have low self esteem. Pretty sad.

02:33 PM
Just 'cause you're soakin down a babe's thick n juicies in a wet tee situaish, don't mean you should act like an animal about it, you guys.

06:40 PM
Waitin for the State game to be over so we can head to the neighbor's for the big PREMIUM sixer apology. I got 50 bucks on State with Ken.

06:47 PM
Man, this isn't good. 50 smackers, you guys. Maybe they can still pull it out? Poundin some good luck cold ones.

06:48 PM
Oh no...

06:49 PM
Such a nightmare...

06:50 PM
Shit.

06:50 PM
SHIT.

06:50 PM
SHIT!!!

Fri Mar 23 2012

11:27 AM
Really hurtin' today. Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

11:30 AM
Was pretty down in the dumps after the State loss. 50 smackers down the drain is massive kick in the guy taters. Tryin to avoid Ken.

11:34 AM
When you lose a bet, you gotta put off payin it. Lots of "don't have it on me" and "lost my checkbook." Make 'em feel bad for askin.

11:36 AM
When you lose a bet, but the other guy feels bad for takin' the money. You actually win 'cause they can't enjoy it. Power move.

11:41 AM
Got arena rock fuzzed before goin over for the big I'm Sorry with Crazy Coot & Dave to the neighbors. Wanted to be loose and conversational.

11:43 AM
Only had 2 PREMIUM cold ones left, so we filled the sixer with 3 Busch heavies and a Capri Sun. A variety pack gift is more thoughtful.

11:47 AM
Had to knock on the door for about 10 minutes. Crazy Cooter got steamed and started to kick it, screaming, "HEY, WE'RE SORRY MOTHERF*CKERS!"

11:51 AM
Told Crazy Cooter to calm down and keep it classy. Got out his peener and took a leak on the door. Thought it was inappropriate.

11:53 AM
Dave said he had to run home and grunt a quick #2. That's just code for hittin the bricks like a coward. Brothers pinch it in a time of war.

12:00 PM
The neighbor guy finally came out. Looked pretty steamed. Started screamin, "What's wrong with you! Is that piss?!" Guess we woke him up.

12:04 PM
Coot handed him the sixer and said, "Sorry Dave crushed your kid's face with a sandwich. He was a real fag." Was actually pretty nice.

12:07 PM
Told him that "fag" wasn't cool to say. Cooter said, "you a fag?" Told him I was all man. Winked at the neighbor guy. Can't have rumors.

12:10 PM
Neighbor guy said he had to go to bed. Coot put his foot in the door. Said, "It's polite to SHARE the "I'm sorry" cold ones, assf*ck."

12:12 PM
I'd seen Crazy Cooter like this before. Like the time we wouldn't do coke with him and he destroyed his house. It's not good.

12:14 PM
Coot tried to barge his way in. Once he starts blinkin hard and suckin air through his dead tooth angry smile, you know it's time to leave.

12:16 PM
Neighbor guy threw the sixer and hit Cooter in the head, then slammed the door. Really wished I split with Dave to grunt out a BM.

12:18 PM
Cooter started punchin the door, split his hand open pretty bad. Picked up a couple cold ones and went down to his Grand Am. Started...

12:20 PM
...kicking in his own tail lights. Guess he has a problem with people not sharing.

12:21 PM
Went back to the pad and locked the door. Could hear Cooter scream MF's for about 15 more minutes, then peel out. Hope he got home ok.

12:25 PM
Dave asked what happened. Told him it was cool & he was forgiven. Think it went ok. Sometimes an apology is just about the kind gesture.

01:06 PM
Gonna go crush a couple afternoon Filet O Fishes in the john. Catch a quick toilet nap. It's important to stay healthy and rested, you guys.

Sat Mar 24 2012

01:29 PM
Really hurtin' today, you guys. Took down a 12 of BL 'Nums last night. So crisp and powerful. Like blue lightning.

01:32 PM
Gonna head to Arby's. Always hits the spot. Goin for the Super Reuben. Piled high and only for a limited time. Gotta take advantage.

01:34 PM
Arby's always helps you clean out your guts after a rough night. It's explosive bm food. That's how you know the healing process is workin.

01:36 PM
Arby's, it's hate yourself from the night before so you might as well just shovel in some bold flavors to take away the sadness mood food.

01:37 PM
Arby's, you'll blow up the john in no time mood food, you guys.

01:39 PM
Got that damn Arby's song stuck in my head. So steamed. Wanna choke that guy out. Wish I could get my mitts on him behind the scenes.

01:40 PM
Arby's, just give me my sandwich and shut up with your stupid song, ya piece of trash, mood food.

01:42 PM
Might have to give Arby's a piece of my mind when I'm there. Let em know how I'm bein tortured with their song. See how THEY like hearin it.

01:47 PM
Great, now I'm all P.O.'d. Makin' a Greyhound roadie. Goin' to Arby's. It's good...SHUT UP YOU CORNCOB! Feel so bonkers today, you guys.

04:56 PM
Just blasted out a massive Arby's Seup Reub BM. Really devastating. The john is definitely not a place to be in a good mood right now.

04:58 PM
Sat in the corner booth at Arb's, sayin', "It's good mooood foooood" for about 20 minutes before they asked me to leave. Really showed 'em.

04:59 PM
Told the manager at Arb's, "Why's it ok for you to blare your crap jingle in MY pad, but I can't scream it here? Riddle me that, corncob."

05:01 PM
Arb's manager said, "Regardless, you can't drink a beverage from outside in here, sir." It's not a beverage, it's a Greyhound.

05:04 PM
If a place don't sell booze, I don't see why you can't bring your own. Especially if you class it up in an '84 Tigers Little Caesar's glass.

05:10 PM
Told Arb's manager I'd be writin a letter to corporate about the incident. Got all maniac style. Slammed my 'hound and walked out.

05:14 PM
Got another 12 of Blue Lightning. Gonna flush it all down & fade away into Saturday night. Put the ship on auto pilot, see where it docks.

05:20 PM
Round 8pm, 6 cold ones deep on a Saturday, a real man needs to step back, look to Seger, and think, "What's MY power move gonna be tonight?"

Sun Mar 25 2012

02:47 PM
Can't find my 'rang anywhere. Real P.O'd. It's kinda sentimental. Think it's vintage Claire's.

03:35 PM
Ordered up the $10 Dinner Box from The Hut. Comes with frosting. Tried some on the 'Za. Not sure if that's what it's for. Might be European?

03:40 PM
Was feelin kinda down about my 'rang bein lost. 'Za & frosting might just be what the doctor ordered. Wonder if Guy Fieri knows about it?

03:43 PM
I know The Hut isn't a diner, drive in, or dive, but when a place is doin' frosting dippins for 'za, man you just gotta check it out.

03:46 PM
Dave says the frosting is for the cinnamon sticks, not the 'za. He has no vision. And that's why, no, he CAN'T have a slice.

04:49 PM
Not feelin' so hot, you guys.

Mon Mar 26 2012

02:33 PM
Really hurtin'. Spent almost all day in the john. Nice to take it easy on a Monday, but this might be considered, "a concern."

Tue Mar 27 2012

10:42 AM
Think my 'rrhea cleared up. Guess I ate too much pizza & frosting. But, what bold flavors don't kill you, makes you stronger, you guys.

10:47 AM
Still steamed at Arb's. Now that I'm up on my feet off the toilet, might have to give 'em a piece. Someone has to stop their mind pollution.

10:54 AM
Might have to reach out to The Hut too. They should put a warning on their $10 Box about givin you 2 day 'rrhea from a 'za & frosting combo.

11:04 AM
If the FDA wants to put nutrition info on fast food, why can't they just speak in plain english; WARNING: THE HUT MAY CAUSE 2 DAY 'RRHEA.

04:19 PM
Word is, Ken's throwin a bash for the semifinals on Saturday. Kinda bummed. Didn't get an invite. Maybe 'cause I owe him the 50?

04:21 PM
Maybe Ken is just waitin' for the right time to ask me to his pad? Probably wants to make it special. $50 is nothin' between pals.

04:24 PM
Gonna play it cool tomorrow and pay off $25 of the 50 smackers. Tell him I'll get him the rest on the weekend. Let him catch my drift.

04:27 PM
Can't just ASK to be invited to a celebraish. Gotta hint around with lots of "So what's up for the weekend?" and "Got plans?" Play it cool.

04:34 PM
Ken might just be intimidated to invite the Bad Boy Party King to his bash. Worried I'll judge. I won't, but I'll sentence it to rock! Ha!

Wed Mar 28 2012

12:58 PM
Gave Ken the 25, told him I'd get him back on the weekend. Asked him if he had "plans." Gave him a wink like I was in the know.

12:59 PM
Ken said, "probably just watch hoops with a few friends, you?" Just said, "oh hell yeah." It's guy to guy code for, "I'm down."

01:01 PM
Ken probably knows it's weird to invite another guy to a celebraish. A real party down bad boy is always everywhere at all times, you guys.

08:16 PM
Came home & thought Dave was readin Time magazine. Didn't know they still made that? Corncobs just put it on the coffee table to look smart.

08:18 PM
Dave said, don't I look smart? Readin Time like a big time politics man? I said, no, you look like a beanbag who never heard of tv news.

08:20 PM
Noticed Dave's Time had some rockin chest beefers peakin out. Thought, whoa, Time really deserves another shot. At least for in the john.

08:21 PM
Dave said, it's my new invention. Worked on it all day. It's a Time cover I stole from the mail over a Penthouse. I call it, the Timehouse.

08:23 PM
Timehouse is the best idea Dave's ever had. Sizes are a little different, but I've been doin some x-acto trimmin for 3 hours. Looks good!

08:28 PM
In these troubled times, let the politicians cover up YOUR dirty deeds with Timehouse. All biz outside, carnal passions "under the covers."

08:31 PM
I'm a Penthouse man from way back. But I'm sick of the looks for readin PH on the go or at work. Timehouse gives me the freedom I deserve.

08:33 PM
Let's be honest, people only read Time to show off or at the dentist when that's all they got. With Timehouse, you're always in good taste.

08:36 PM
Told Dave we should start makin Timehouses and sellin 'em for big bucks. Erotic, yet intelligent. That's a Timehouse man.

08:39 PM
Might go sneak in the shed at Ann's for my secret stash of vintage Penthouses. Get a start on the Timehouse project. Could be big bucks.

08:43 PM
What kinda guy's guy would buy REGULAR Time magazine when you can get Time with Penthouse innards?! Man, you'd look so stupid.

08:46 PM
Kinda bombed on 'Nums. Gonna call Ann to have her check if the Penthouses are still in the shed. Can't risk the drive if it's not important.

09:48 PM
Musta called Ann 8 or a dozen or so times. Left voicemails. Told her all about the Timehouse biz plan. Wouldn't answer. Really steamed.

09:51 PM
If your ex can't answer a 12am phone call about where your old Penthouse mags are, THERE'S the answer for why you split up, you guys.

Thu Mar 29 2012

11:42 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:07 PM
Really into the Timehouse lifestyle. Looks like I'm stayin' informed at work, but I'm researchin' romantic eroticisms in private good taste.

12:09 PM
Stole a few more Time mags from the mail. Made a few more Timehouses before bed with my extra Penthouses. Puttin some in the john.

12:12 PM
If there's one thing you can steal from the mail that no one's gonna give a crap about, it's Time magazine. But Penthouse? That's a crime.

12:15 PM
Ann called. Said I left 45 minutes of messages last night about "some Penthouse Magazine emergency" and that she didn't appreciate it.

12:31 PM
Ann doesn't know biz. When an idea strikes to combine Time and Penthouse into the groundbreaking publication of the century, you jump on it.

12:35 PM
Might have to bring a few copies of Timehouse over to Ken's for the hoops celebraish. Maybe get some subscribers?

01:19 PM
Ann called AGAIN. Said she needs to "stress the importance of NOT callin latenight about stuff like Penthouse." Says she didn't sleep well.

01:27 PM
Ann said her day's ruined cause I interrupted her sleep. What'd she have to do? Lay around and watch Lifetime? Sounds like Lifewaste to me.

01:33 PM
Sure I left 45 min of messages in the middle of the night, but I'm at work! She shouldn't interrupt me. I'm tryin to read Timehouse here.

01:41 PM
Told Ann, "sorry I'm changing the future while you're stuck in the past." Really crushed her. Power move.

01:49 PM
Don't know why Ann listened to all 45 min of my messages. My point was pretty clear a few minutes in. She must be lonely for the Captain.

02:19 PM
When an ex-babe sees you moved on to premium success and she's left in the ditch, it's time to style & profile like never before, you guys.

07:38 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Fri Mar 30 2012

11:28 AM
"I wanna be a Fridaaay bay-beee! With the top let back and the sunshine shinin!" (That's an old Kid Rock jam.) Happy Friday to ya, you guys!

11:31 AM
Sure, Kid Rock can be a little raunchy, but it's just some guy humor, perfect for a celebraish. Nothin' wrong with a few adult laughs.

12:11 PM
Finally got my letter to Arb's finished. Had to get caught up on the Timehouse project first. Feels good to be productive, you guys.

12:22 PM
To: The Head Honchos at Arby's, Greetings. Karl Welzein here. Been meaning to get in touch for a few, but I've been busy with a...

12:23 PM
...top secret publishing project. Real hush hush, but I'm sure you'll hear about it soon. Me and my main man Dave could be the next...

12:25 PM
...big wigs in "intelligent carnal passions." (wink). Anywho, I should start off by sayin' that I've been a big fan of Arb's since way back.

12:34 PM
From the Jamocha shakes, to your Horsey & Arb's Sauce? Always top notch. Arb's was one of the innovators in the bold flavor game.

12:36 PM
Whether I had a big appetite, or just needed a loose BM in a time of physical flushin' for health, the Arb's neon cowboy was always there.

12:38 PM
However, lately, Arb's has been lettin' me down. The big campaign about "It's good mood food?" Well, it makes people violent.

12:40 PM
As a valued customer, I shouldn't have feelings of chokin out the fella in your advertisements. It's not good mood anything. It's dangerous.

12:42 PM
Recently, on a trip to my local Arb's, I was asked to leave by the manager for given him a dose of the "good mood" jingle. Why is it ok...

12:44 PM
...for that corncob to blare through my tv but I can't sing it for 20 minutes in YOUR establishment. Makes zero sense from a business model.

12:47 PM
Also, I was asked to not drink my Greyhound I brought from home by the manager at Arb's. Is that a new policy? Seems like an oversight.

12:55 PM
Please Arby's, if we're not allowed to consume adult beverages from home in your establishment, at least post something in the john.

12:57 PM
Being a possible restauranteur in the future, I know how difficult it is to manage an off the chain eatery. We all have issues and secrets.

12:58 PM
Sure, Arby's roast beef is just a big brown thin sliced all beef hot dog. And there's nothin wrong with that after it blows your mind.

01:00 PM
Also, Arby's make you blow out some of the biggest, healthiest BM's in the world. And that's a good thing. It's Asian to focus on digestion.

01:05 PM
But if you don't stop with the terrible jingle and replace it with somethin rockin, the whole Arb's biz could be in the toilet real soon.

01:11 PM
I only write because I care with passion for Arb's. Let's guy to guy soon? All the best, Karl Welzein. Editor At Large, Timehouse Magazine.

01:17 PM
P.S.- Ever think of servin' BL 'Nums? A 2 Beef & Cheddar, Curly Fry, 3 BL 'Num super combo could be a smash hit. "It's food that rocks!!!"

07:22 PM
Feel like my life is really on track. Pumped for the NCAA celebraish at Ken's tomorrow. Gonna shove it in everyone's face. Gotta go hard.

07:25 PM
Bringin' Ken over some BL 'Nums, Loco D'Reets, copies of Timehouse, Triscuits & Mayo. It's gonna rock! The works, really. Full spread.

07:32 PM
Takin' it easy tonight. Really charge up. Just a few BL 'Nums since I got plenty for tomorrow, then hittin' the sack. Gotta be responsible.

07:34 PM
Can't wait 'til Ken sees how hard I party now. He's gonna be like, "Whoa, I gotta tell everyone at work. Karl's pretty much the man."

Sat Mar 31 2012

10:06 AM
Woke up in the middle of the night to take a 'Num BL (Big Leak.) Dave was all cranked on coffee, hoggin' down the Triscuits & Mayo.

10:07 AM
Dave said he had an idea to expand the Timehouse empire. Told him I don't recall approving that. There was never a meeting.

10:13 AM
Dave said he found a copy of Barely Legal in his "secret stash." Decided to take a Newsweek and make "Barely News." Sounds pretty low brow.

10:15 AM
Barely Legal?! Dave might be into some weirdo crap. Hope he's not some sicko. Better keep an eye out. Don't like the sound of that.

10:17 AM
Sure, I've seen a Club, Club International, Cherry, Swank. I'm a guy's guy. But they aren't my speed. I'm strictly a Penthouse man.

10:19 AM
Penthouse maintains an aura of sophisticated carnal desires for the classy male in today's modern erotic world.

10:23 AM
But Barely Legal? That's somethin you'd find by the train tracks on a mornin you don't remember how you got there or where your shoes are.

10:28 AM
Timehouse's concept of intelligent eroticism for on the go or at work is just gonna to be watered down by Barely News. Dave's an idiot.

10:32 AM
Dave wants me to try and sell Barely News subscripts at Ken's party. Told him it was more of a Timehouse crowd. I can't look stupid, Dave.

10:42 AM
Gotta run to the store. Dave ate all the Triscuits & Mayo. It's my signature potluck dish. So simple, yet decadent. Always a crowd pleaser.

Sun Apr 01 2012

11:11 AM
Really hurtin today, you guys. Had a blast at the NCAA celebraish. Woke up on Ken's couch this mornin. Think his wife said I could crash.

11:12 AM
Ken's wife is pretty smokin. Like she could have been on the hood of a car in a Whitesnake video before she had kids. Made me kinda steamed.

11:15 AM
Ken's an alright guy. But I'm the alpha male. His wife is just goin to waste. B+ caboose, rockin chest beefers? Man, I'd hold her so tight.

11:22 AM
Ken's wife had long hair with the high front. Really dig that. Shows she's carnally avail. When babes cut it off, ya know they're ice boxed.

11:27 AM
Remember when Ann got her first "soccer mom cut." Her friends said it was "so cute." Don't think I ever saw her topless after that.

11:33 AM
Shoulda seen Ken's face when I showed up with the BL 'Nums & Loco D'Reets. He was so surprised. I could tell 'cause he kept tellin me.

11:40 AM
Good thing I got Ken's address off a Time mag on his desk. Party woulda ate it. Was just a few corncob neighbors, and Ken's oolala wife.

11:44 AM
No one from work showed up. Figured it meant alot to Ken that I came, so I decided to really rock it out. Got my Case Logic from the 'Bring.

11:46 AM
Had 5 BL 'Nums before I got to Ken's so I was loose and conversational. Went straight for the Whitesnake. Thought Ken's wife might feel it.

11:48 AM
Had to teach everyone that you don't LISTEN to a basketball game, you WATCH it. What you LISTEN to, is Still of The Night by Whitesnake.

11:54 AM
Guess Ken could tell his wife was gettin' ideas about my mad swag, 'cause they went into the other room to have a talk.

11:58 AM
Can't blame Ken. When 3:57 in Still of the Night by Whitesnake hits, & I'm rockin' the pony, 'rang, & 'logne, babes go off the chain carnal.

12:03 PM
Decided to make it up to Ken for gettin his oolala wife hot & bothered. Slipped the Timehouse I made out of his Time on his coffee table.

12:06 PM
Ken & his wife were gone for a long time. No one else was social, so I just played it cool in the corner, poundin' BL 'Nums & Loco D'reets.

12:08 PM
If you're at a party, and everyone is cold, just find a corner, turn up the Whitesnake, and make it red hot like a thousand suns, you guys.

12:11 PM
Could tell some of the other neighbors were bothered by my mad swag. Hubbies started gettin real comfy cozy with the wives, then left.

12:16 PM
Guess I give off kind of a sensual outlaw vibe. If you ain't takin' care of your babe, you better, or she'll get natural in my direction.

12:22 PM
Guess I crushed too many Loco D'reets, so I had to call a T.O. on the hot corner and break for the john. Was in there for a while.

12:25 PM
Could hear Ken and Oolala talkin' in the kitchen about me. Pretty heated. Guess she was into me 'cause Ken kept sayin he wanted me to leave.

12:29 PM
Kinda filled the john with my Loco D'reet cleanup. Seemed impolite to ask for a plunger though. Didn't want to interrupt their convo.

12:32 PM
After I blew up the john, I felt bad and wanted Ken to feel less threatened, so insisted on a BL 'Num pound off. Call it "Blue Lightning."

12:33 PM
Ken said, "maybe you should leave." Told him, "It's cool. Lets get comfortable." Took down about 5 BL 'Nums in 15 minutes.

12:34 PM
Ken's wife went to bed. Guess she thought it was best if the carnal tension was out of the room so me and Ken could have a guy to guy.

12:36 PM
Musta had a blast, 'cause I blacked out after. Woke up on the couch & hit the bricks. Had to flip the cushions. I'm a thoughtful guest.

12:38 PM
The best memories are usually the ones other people have to remember for you the next day, you guys.

02:47 PM
Gonna take it easy today. Really beat. Gotta catch a few cowboy z's. Well earned ridin' the party range.

03:43 PM
Dave just woke me up. Said he had to talk, guy to guy. Told me Ann stopped by last night when I was at Ken's. And they made it. MADE it?!

03:45 PM
MOTHERFUCKER!

03:46 PM
Punched a hole in the wall. Threw the microwave across the room. Goin' for a drive. Need to think about some things.

Mon Apr 02 2012

10:39 AM
Rough night. Really hurtin. After Dave told me him & Ann made it, I went & drank trunk liquor in the Chili's parking lot, blarin The Rising.

10:44 AM
Any song by The Boss meant to soothe America after a major terrorist attack also works for when your best pal gets carnal with your wife.

10:46 AM
Full of trunk liquor, blind rage, and Bruce Springsteen, I decided to go give Ann a piece of my mind. 'Cause that's what a MAN does.

10:49 AM
Pounded on Ann's door for like a thousand years. Split my hand open pretty bad. My son finally answered, wearin' a fake tail. Great.

10:52 AM
My son said, "Hi Daddy Mommy's having quiet time look I grew a tail with magic hahahahaha April Fool's Daddy people don't have tails silly!"

10:54 AM
Realized Dave really burned me with an April Fool's joke. Made me more steamed than if he did make it with Ann.

10:56 AM
My son asked if he should "go get mommy." I said "shut up," threw up on the magnolias, and hit the bricks. Had to get it on.

01:41 PM
When I got back to the pad, I told Dave, guy to guy, that it was cool that he got carnal with Ann. Couldn't blame him. Seemed kinda shocked.

01:42 PM
Told Dave, "I'm a modern man. You never know when carnal desires can strike. It's natural to get natural."...

01:45 PM
..."But, I had to even the score. It's guy code. So I set Ann's house on fire." Gave him the cut your throat sign with side of crazy eyes.

01:47 PM
Dave's eyes welled up with tears and he started shakin real bad. Ran in his room screamin, "IT WAS A JOKE WE DIDN'T MAKE IT OH GOD OH GOD!"

01:50 PM
Let Dave really think on how he possibly made me murder my family for about a half hour. Ha! Real satisfyin. Don't mess with the Captain.

01:54 PM
When you josh around about puttin your quarters in a another man's lady bank, be prepared to have your mind destroyed, maniac style.

01:55 PM
Don't mess around with Captain Karl: President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA, you guys.

01:56 PM
Power moves.

Tue Apr 03 2012

01:17 PM
Just checked my messages. There's 4 from Ann. 1) "Karl, did you come to the house, tell our SON to shut up, and throw up off the porch?!"

01:20 PM
2) "I'm just shocked, SHOCKED, Karl. Have you lost your mind?! Totally unacceptable! Call me back please." Sounds like she misses me.

01:23 PM
3) "Karl, it's Ann. I really think we should look into gettin you some help before you hurt yourself or someone else. Please call ok? Bye."

01:24 PM
4) "Karl, I'm really worried about you. Please call me back and at least let me know you're alright." Sounds pretty desperate. Kinda sad.

01:39 PM
Man, FOUR calls? "Worried about me?" Ann must really be achin' for my touch. She's just oozing with love hunger.

01:44 PM
When a babe starts in with the, "we need to get you help," that's a sign that you're about to rock harder than ever before, you guys.

Wed Apr 04 2012

12:06 PM
Haven't really rapped with Ken since the big NCAA celebraish. Maybe he's playin' it cool like he parties like that all the time?

12:30 PM
Ken just went in the john. Goin to hang. Nothin wrong with a guy to guy grunt n' convo. Next best thing to sittin on a deck with cold ones.

01:38 PM
Posted up in the stall next to Ken. Said, "Whoa, somebody die in here?" Just some guy humor. He double flushed and left. Musta not heard me?

01:41 PM
Wonder if Ken's steamed at me. Hope his wife didn't say somethin about havin a carnal fantasy about me & her. Hate to break up a happy home.

01:43 PM
But, who could blame her? She's got rockin' chest beefers & long hair and I'm pretty much the total package. Desires would only be natural.

01:46 PM
Might say somethin to Ken. Maybe I was a lil' TOO on point on Saturday. Tell him not to worry, I'll keep my hands off his wife's juice box.

01:58 PM
No matter how thick n luscious your wife's hams are, I'll stay pig free, even if she's buffin a Trans Am with it. Just my policy, you guys.

11:27 PM
Dave just woke up screamin', "PEANUT!" Had to calm him down. Never really dealt with it I guess. Dave could use some closure. He's weak.

11:31 PM
Might have to have a "Peanut's Life / Adios on Death's Eternal Journey, celebraish. Ceremony style. Real classy, yet festive. Full spread.

Thu Apr 05 2012

09:46 AM
Super pumped for opening day, you guys. Bless you boys.

09:52 AM
Takin' down the Verlander Taco Bell meal for luck, Captain Karl style. 3 Loco D'reets Supremes, Cheesy Gordita Crunch, Mexi 'Za. No tomates.

09:54 AM
Justin Verlander knows bold flavors.

10:02 AM
Steamed we gotta work today. How's The D s'posed to get built back up if we're not supportin the Tigs? Should be gettin ripped at Comerica.

10:05 AM
Baseball is our national pastime. Opening Day should be a holiday. Anyone who doesn't get that should just hit the bricks to China.

10:17 AM
They should just move Easter to Opening Day so we can have it off. Maybe then people'd give a rat's crap about it. Easter's kinda worthless.

10:33 AM
Never bought into that whole Jesus comin' back to life mumbo jumbo. Times were tough back then. He mighta just been takin' a long snooze.

10:37 AM
Fact is, no one really knows what went down in Jesus times. And I don't need no book to tell me about my faith in the Big Man.

10:42 AM
The Bible's just stories like those magic books my son reads. Years from now everyone could be prayin to Hogfarts or whatever that crap is.

10:56 AM
If people'd just nice to each other instead of worryin' 'bout the Bible, the USA'd be an everyday celebraish. Liberty and cold ones for all.

11:00 AM
Sick of this. Wanna choke somebody out for havin' work on Opening Day. Goin' to listen to the Tigs in the 'Bring. Fix me a trunk liquor.

11:00 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

01:50 PM
Restore the Roar! Go Tigers! Somebody gimme an AWW HELL YEAH!

01:53 PM
Got kinda rocked in the 'Bring listenin' to the Tigs. Nothin' wrong with a midday celebraish in the work parkin' lot. Thanks, trunk liquor.

01:55 PM
If work won't give us Opening Day off, boozin' in my car in the parkin' lot is what I call a "compromise." Shows I made a respectful effort.

01:57 PM
Gonna go find my main man Ken for a Motown fist bump. Super pumped. Still haven't rapped with him since last weekend. Gotta catch up.

Fri Apr 06 2012

03:35 PM
"And He will raise you up, on Friday's wings..." Happy Good Friday to ya, you guys.

03:45 PM
Left work early. It's the respectable thing to do on Good Friday. Had to hit Mickey D's for a some Filet O Fishes. Gotta take advantage.

04:09 PM
Finally rapped with Ken today. Kept missin' each other all week. Followed him in the john, leaned on the door 'til he finished up his bm.

04:24 PM
Told Ken, "Rockin' celebraish last week. Such a blast. We should do it again sometime." Had to put my shirt over my nose. His BM was mighty.

04:28 PM
Let Ken know that "he don't have to worry about any carnal passions between me and his wife. My policy is hands off another guy's beefers."

04:30 PM
Ken's wife musta said somethin' 'bout her natural attraction to my mad swag. He looked uncomfortable like he had a BM aftershock brewin'.

04:33 PM
Ken tried to walk by me. Didn't say nothin'. I blocked the door with my arm and put a hand on his shoulder, guy to guy. Friendly power move.

04:41 PM
Ken must have some social prob where he doesn't like other people touchin' him, 'cause he moved my hand. Told him, "It's, just guy to guy!"

04:44 PM
Ken said, "Karl. You just don't get it. You RUINED our party. You blared music over the game. You wouldn't stop staring at my wife's body...

04:47 PM
, you did something to our restroom that took 2 days to fix, you made our new neighbors leave and now they won't talk to us. You...

04:48 PM
...passed out on the couch and wouldn't wake up. In the middle of the night, my wife went downstairs and said you were standing up...

04:52 PM
...in front of the sofa, urinating on it. When she screamed at you, you said, "I'm takin' a forget!", then laid back down in your own filth.

04:55 PM
We had to have it professionally cleaned for $75 dollars. AND, you left a porno book on the coffee table. That my mother in law...

04:58 PM
...saw when she came over for Sunday dinner. She thought it was Time magazine. Now she won't speak to us and "doesn't even know who we are."

05:02 PM
And Karl,YOU WEREN'T INVITED. I've been sick all week from stress at home. Thanks alot." Wanted to break the ice. Told him, "I can smell."

05:04 PM
Ken took off before we could get down to the REAL problem. And, pretty sure I'd remember whizzin' on his couch. Coulda been someone else?

05:07 PM
Ken's oolala wife must really be hot for my touch. Gotta back burner that. Sounds like they're havin' problems. Could be open season.

05:16 PM
When a pal is actin' steamed, 95% of the time it's 'cause he's got babe problems. The other 5%? Usually 'Rrhea. Gotta remember it's not you.

05:28 PM
Just knowin a babe wants to get natural with your bod can give you the mad swag to cash in on piles of chest beefers from coast to coast.

Sat Apr 07 2012

02:27 PM
Had a GREAT Friday. Got a number from a babe named Barb. So dynamite. Feel on top a the world. Real big trunk, this babe is meant for cargo.

02:27 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Sun Apr 08 2012

12:46 PM
Happy Easter, you bunnies.

12:52 PM
Really hurtin'. Crazy Cooter stopped by last night with a bunch of some stuff called "MDMA." Think it's a big city thing. Real cosmopolitan.

12:55 PM
MDMA made Dave get an uncontrollable erection. He had to hang out in the john for a while. We played it cool. It's natural. Guy code.

12:58 PM
Called Barb a bunch on MDMA. Made me randy. It's a carnal, natural, life enhancer. Gives you enough carnal passions to destroy the sun.

01:00 PM
Gonna pound a few BL 'Nums. Gotta get loose and conversational to call Barb again. Love that name. Barb. Barb. Barrrrrb. Real growly.

01:01 PM
Wonder if health food stores sell MDMA? They should. They'd really clean up. Really enhances the bold flavor lifestyle.

01:02 PM
Power Moves

01:07 PM
I should probably take MDMA all the time. Crazy Cooter calls it, "The Sweet Bitch." Makes everything so tasty, and I gotta hearty appetite.

01:16 PM
Crazy Cooter turned me on to this last night. Never was much for rap. But Cooter says it's the "summer anthem." http://t.co/ZD88fQtx

01:19 PM
Can't stop listenin' to this song. Makes me wanna take America into the galaxy. Bad Boy City, USA. http://t.co/ZD88fQtx

01:31 PM
America, Let's roll, you guys.

01:36 PM
It ain't about the money. Make your own lane. It ain't about the money. Make your own lane. It ain't about the money. Make your own lane.

01:37 PM
Better recognize game, you guys.

01:41 PM
God bless Kid Rock. Pure Michigan. God bless the Tigers. Salt of the earth. Mitten in the air, 'til I die. Headin' to Cold One City, USA.

01:45 PM
It's days like these, when I realize that some people don't like me, they can get a fat middle finger in their face. Hard and strong.

01:52 PM
Thing is, we're all USA, you guys. Brothers and sisters. Everyone should kiss our backdoors. Buy American. Sick of this.

02:12 PM
Bold flavors, carnal passions, mad swag? The USA pretty much has it all. We need to step up and run things. Show the world what we're about.

02:14 PM
At the end of the day, if we rise together as America? Man, we'll crush your face.

02:17 PM
We're America. We don't work at the store, we own the business.

Tue Apr 10 2012

12:01 PM
Forgot to go to work yesterday. Didn't even wake up 'til 6pm. Think my bod was just healin' up. It's natural. Gotta take care of yourself.

12:06 PM
Called Barb's number a few times. Some guy keeps answerin'. Can't understand what he's sayin' but sounds pretty steamed. Might be a problem.

01:52 PM
Looks like that Rick Santorum corncob hit the bricks, you guys. Good riddance, ya piece of trash.

02:14 PM
Bet everyone from Kid Rock to the gays are are gonna do it up tonight. The works. Full spread. Might join in? A Suck It Santorum Celebraish!

08:28 PM
BL 'Nums are goin' down so smooth for the Suck It Santorum Celebraish. Bet he's just sittin' around, feelin' like the load of the year. Ha!

08:34 PM
Rick Santorum always used the Big Man as an excuse for sayin' his evil was for good. The Good Lord don't like that crap. He ain't stupid.

Wed Apr 11 2012

02:22 PM
Feelin' kinda down. Missed work on Monday, got my days mixed up. Forgot it was Wing Wednesday. Gotta be more responsible.

02:33 PM
Had the Loco D'reets Box from the Bell. Only has ONE Loco D'reet, a Burreet Supreme (NO D'reets involved) & a REGULAR taco. Pretty steamed.

02:37 PM
One Loco D'reet tac does not a Loco D'reets Box make, Taco Bell. Real disappointed. Why even get that? I'd just go ALL Loco D'reet Supremes!

02:41 PM
Don't see why the Bell just can't smash up some D'reets and toss 'em in a Burreet Supreme. Bold flavors ain't a science project about Mars.

02:43 PM
And why the crap is Taco Bell still makin' 'chos with regular chips when they got D'reets layin' around?! Makes me wanna punch a wall.

02:55 PM
Taco Bell should just change its name to Dorito Bell and call it a day. D'reets on everything. They'd clean up. It's what America craves.

02:58 PM
I mean, I had the idea first with Captain Karl's Pizza Ship for Cheetos on anything for an extra dollar. No one listened. Sick of this.

03:01 PM
Maybe I should change the name to Captain Cheetos' Pizza Ship? Reach out to the honchos at Frito Lay? Could sweep the nation coast to coast.

Thu Apr 12 2012

11:16 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:02 PM
Spent a few hours on the horn in the john, tryin to rap at the Frito Lay honchos 'bout gettin' behind my Cheetos 'n 'Za idea. Big runaround.

02:04 PM
Kinda panicked. If The Bell can make it big with D'reets & Tacs, man, Cheetos 'n 'Za has to be the next big sensation. I gotta lock it down.

02:07 PM
Nosey Lady was all on my guy sack 'bout "where I was for 3 hrs?" IN THE JOHN ON THE HORN DOIN' BUSINESS! Bet the Fonz never took that crap.

02:09 PM
Might have to reach out to Papa John's. If Papa J was in the house before, man, he'd burn it down with Cheetos as a topping, you guys.

02:11 PM
"Better ingredients, better pizza, Cheetos on your 'za for a buck. Papa Johns." A Captain Karl/Papa John bold teamup could rock the world.

Fri Apr 13 2012

12:42 PM
Guess Bruce Springsteen rocked the Palace last night. I missed out. Didn't even hear about it. Really bummed. Don't know what to do.

12:54 PM
Can't believe I missed The Boss. Feel shook up like I got a phone call 'bout a family member in the hospital, but way worse.

01:00 PM
Read half this article and started to well up. http://t.co/qDdO9szD I'm goin' in the john. Gotta think about what I'm doin' with my life.

01:03 PM
This will forever be known as Dark Friday, The Day I Realized I Missed Out On The Boss Celebraish of A Lifetime. Hate myself, you guys.

02:28 PM
Sick of this. Leavin' work. I was born in Cold One City, USA. And that's where I'm headed. The land of the free, you guys.

02:31 PM
We all make mistakes sometimes. Enough to hate your own soul. But real men crack a cold one, crank up The Boss, and let the healing in.

Sat Apr 14 2012

01:11 PM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys. Really hurtin'.

01:14 PM
When miss a concert by The Boss, you gotta go all out. Take it to the limit. It's a debt you pay back to the USA in cold ones.

01:16 PM
You know how many cold ones it takes to make your soul feel like the embodiment of Bruce Springsteen's "The Rising?" I do. It's a shit ton.

01:27 PM
Sometimes I wonder how many cold ones I'd have to pound to heal my soul if BL 'Nums didn't exist? They have my thanks. Real time saver.

01:32 PM
"I'd never jump off the ledge. I just want someone to hold my hand while I stand on it." -Budweiser

01:50 PM
When ya listen to The Boss for 8 hours straight in Cold One City, it makes ya really hurt, thinkin' 'bout how the head honchos hurt the USA.

01:57 PM
Sure it's nice to dump billions of dollars into wars to fix other countries, but maybe we could do somethin' 'bout Detroit first?

02:05 PM
Rich folks just keep scoopin' up all the dough while the poor folks suffer. Maybe Mitt Romney can help? Bet he gets it.

02:12 PM
You know who'd be a great president? Ric Flair. And I mean that sincerely, 'cause who cares, you guys. USA, Wooooooooooooooo!!!

07:50 PM
Havin' a real celebraish with Dave. Top shelf margs. Chips & dip. The works, really. Feelin' real good & warm 'bout the USA.

08:10 PM
Made my Captain Carlos' Margs Especial (special recipe). Had a secret stash of Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo. So smooth.

08:15 PM
Had to stop buyin 1800 Tequila. That twerp from the Sopranos actin all big and bad, drinkin outta the cap? Real men drink outta the bottle.

08:20 PM
Why does 1800 Tequila have a stringbean guido in their ads anyway? So stupid. He should be sellin' Ragu on a street corner.

08:23 PM
And why does Michael Spaghetti think he's so badass anyway? You drink tequila in a suit? You think you're better than everyone? Corncob.

08:28 PM
Let's see, I can buy Tequila from celebraish master, the Red Rocker, or from Michael Spaghetti, a monkey suit, cap drinkin' corncob? Easy.

08:30 PM
These margs are goin' down so smooth, you guys. Might head out. Dave said he's got a new move called "The Super Peener." Gotta check it out.

Sun Apr 15 2012

12:49 PM
Just havin' a real fine Sunday. Tigs up 3-0. Sippin' Greyhounds for the Lord. America City, USA. Somebody gimme an AWE HELL YEAH!

12:55 PM
When the Detroit Tigers are flyin' high? Man, cocktails just go down SO smooth. They're pretty much America's team. Bless you boys.

12:58 PM
Nosey Lady kept sayin' I need to watch some Gang of Thrones show tonight. What's that about? 10 dudes takin' a hot dump at the same time?

01:01 PM
Dave busted out the "Super Peener" last night. Turns out it's just where you peek out a nut to the side your undies. Pretty gross. No class.

01:07 PM
Told Dave, you just can't go whippin out your guy sack. That's not a dance. It's a crime. Coulda got in big trouble.

01:21 PM
If you're gonna show off your fuzzy chicken skin, just do it at home. That's always been my policy. Guy code.

01:23 PM
Detroit, let's roll, you guys.

01:35 PM
Some days, it's comfortin' to just wake up and know you're not in jail, gettin' carnal with a brother from the streets. Could be worse?

01:36 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

03:13 PM
Still of the Night by Whitesnake. Karl 3:57 says I just whupped your ass, you guys.

03:14 PM
And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Karl Welzein said so.

Mon Apr 16 2012

04:08 PM
Was watchin' Triple D with Dave. He went for a leg lift. Said, "Let her rip!" BM'd his pants. Spent 30 minutes dry heavin' in the sink.

04:10 PM
Dave locked himself in his room. Just heard him scream, "Karl, don't tell anyone about this!" Sounded threatening. Kinda concerned.

04:13 PM
Dave's been actin' bonkers lately. Whippin' out his guy sack? Blowin' brown in his shorts? Kinda out of bounds.

04:16 PM
Just heard Dave say, "I hate myself!" and then some crash. Might need some alone time? Gonna go outside now. Have a cig. Gotta be smart.

07:06 PM
Dave said he wanted to go for a drive to cool off. He doesn't have a car! Idiot.

07:09 PM
Dave just left his butt splattered undies in the john sink. So rank. He's such a grossout.

07:13 PM
When you blow out your unders with a sneaky bm, a gentleman knows there's a fold & hide in the trash policy you adhere to. Show some class.

09:30 PM
Wonder where Dave went?

Tue Apr 17 2012

11:56 AM
Went to go to work this mornin' and the 'Bring was gone. Guess Dave just took it last night. Really steamed. Had to take a private cab.

12:14 PM
Hope Dave didn't do nothin rash? Seems like he's in a dark place right now. An explosive backdoor situation could send him over the edge.

12:25 PM
Sure, I've had my share of adult incidents in the BM department, but I'm a cool customer. I know it's natural and not my fault. I'm mature.

Wed Apr 18 2012

11:38 AM
Dave finally came home with the 'Bring last night. Asked him where the hell he went? He said "the beach." WHAT BEACH?!

11:40 AM
Told Dave he can't take my ride without askin. He said, "I told you I was goin' for a drive and you didn't say anything." That's not asking!

11:43 AM
Dave said, "don't worry, I'm cooled off now. Thanks to the beach." What kinda psycho lies about goin' to the beach for no reason?!

11:47 AM
Dave said he's stressed 'cause he thinks he has intestine problems like Brock Lesnar. He's an MMA fighter. You just have diarrhea, idiot.

11:50 AM
And I KNOW Dave didn't go to the beach, 'cause my car is full of Wendy's wrappers and farts, not sand and lake breezes.

11:54 AM
Told Dave, guy to guy, he doesn't have to make up excuses for me to like him. Friendship has no limit on how many times you mess your pants.

12:15 PM
Might have to go on a health kick. Maybe team up with Dave, buddy system style. Show him the ropes to Beach Bod City, USA.

03:50 PM
Told Dave 'bout my plan for us to super team-up and double hardbody dominate this summer. Said he's in. This is gonna rock.

05:49 PM
Dave asked if we could have a little pre-hardbody celebraish tonight? For sure! Papa J's, Loco D'Reets, chips & dip. The works. Full spread.

Thu Apr 19 2012

11:00 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:37 AM
Really hurtin' today. For the hardbody celebraish, told Dave we should do 5 'shups for every Loco D'reet. Even it out, health zone style.

11:40 AM
Musta done 40-50 'shups? Worth every bold grunt & bite. Turned that Bell into pure jackedness. It's responsible. Diet is about compromise.

11:48 AM
Workin' out and eatin' The Bell at the same time really just burns the fat, while the pure protein feeds the pythons. It's body mechanics.

11:51 AM
Can't really lift my arms today. Really pushed the limits of my physique. Had to drive to work doin the crippled crotch clutch on the wheel.

11:55 AM
My 'ceps keep crampin' up. Stomach too. It's just the protein & fat fightin' for internal domination. Fat'll be out the backdoor soon.

12:24 PM
If you're BMin' 50% of your eats, AND workin' out, the other 50% is goin' straight to muscle. Jack Lalanne said that, you guys.

Fri Apr 20 2012

11:20 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:21 AM
Hard to face everyone at work today. Don't really wanna talk about it.

11:24 AM
After takin' my 5pm BM in the work john yesterday, I couldn't move my arms very well for cleanup. Might be gettin' muscle bound.

11:29 AM
Heard Ken come in on the phone. Was desperate. Needed help. Had NO choice. Couldn't stripe my Tabasco unders, they were a gift.

11:32 AM
Said, "Ken, guy to guy, can you one time my backside? I'll trade you a premium sixer. I'm all swoll from gettin' hardbodied with Dave."

11:35 AM
Ken said, "Jesus Karl!" and ran outta the john. He musta been on an important call 'cause I said PREMIUM. No one turns that down.

11:38 AM
Sat there for 20 minutes. Went to stand up and my legs were asleep. Crashed onto the TP dispenser. Ripped it off the wall. Cut my face.

11:41 AM
Couldn't move my arms or legs, so I had to inchworm under the stall. Peener & veggies all out, backdoor was still toast. Just wanted safety.

11:45 AM
Vernon came in, saw me on the floor, bloody, carnal exposure, filthy unders. Said, "Hell no, Karl. Hell no." and walked out. I needed help!

11:48 AM
Felt like I laid there for hours. Finally mustered the strength to get up. When I walked out of the john everyone at work was staring at me.

11:54 AM
Told everyone, "I was havin' issues in the john! Anyone who's gotten the swollen pythons they deserve has had a problem! Ric Flair,...

11:56 AM
...Stone Cold, Sly. They ALL can't get their backdoor without a guy code one timer from a pal. So don't judge me 'cause I care about my bod!

11:58 AM
...It's part of bein' in shape! But YOU'D never know that. Wait'll beach season! You'll see when I rock the babes from coast to coast!"

11:59 AM
Everyone just kinda walked away. Think I burned 'em down. No one'll even look at me today. Feel bad like I hurt their feelings.

12:01 PM
When your bod's so hard you can't clean up after a BM, that means the program's working, you guys. Anyone who doesn't get that is jealous.

12:05 PM
Bein' cool makes you popular, but I guess bein' the coolest makes you alone. Goin' to eat some Jack Links Sweet & Hot jerk in my car.

05:27 PM
Dave said Crazy Cooter's havin' some "Fort Wendy's" celebraish tonight? Don't know about it. Could use a celebraish though. Had a rough day.

Sat Apr 21 2012

12:02 PM
Really hurtin' today, you guys. Crazy Cooter had a "4/20" celebraish, not "Fort Wendy's." Guess it's an FBI code for drugs. Real hush hush.

12:08 PM
Crazy Cooter was wearin ICP juggler paint on his face. Actin real erratic. Kept screamin' "WHOOP WHOOP!" in people's faces. Seemed impolite.

12:11 PM
Dave said he wanted to have ICP paint on his face too. Told him, "This isn't the circus and we're not tryin to get carnal with clown babes."

12:13 PM
Crazy Cooter kept tryin' to get me to smoke grass out of some giant 6 foot glass thing. Told him I'd be just fine with a J. It shows class.

12:25 PM
When I was tokin' my J in the hot corner where I stashed my own private BL 'Nums, Dave found a Sharpie and drew on his face like ICP. Idiot.

12:29 PM
Told Dave, "who are you, Ass Clown Posse?" He screamed "Whoop Whoop!" in my face. Got steamed. Told him, "cram it, Bozo." Shut him down.

12:41 PM
Was treatin' a babe to one of my private BL 'Nums when Crazy Cooter lit his couch on fire and kept sayin' "Whoop Whoop." Kinda concerning.

12:45 PM
Told Crazy Cooter that lightin' your couch on fire is dangerous. Just kept sayin' "Whoop Whoop!" Think he did too many drugs, 4/20 style.

12:53 PM
Crazy Cooter's ma came runnin in with a pan of water, screamin, "You piece of shit, that's our couch!" It was definitely time for profanity.

12:56 PM
Crazy Cooter said, "If I wanna burn our fuckin couch, I'll burn the fucker!" His ma hit him with the pan. Smashed his nose. Lotta blood.

12:57 PM
With all the arson and blood spray, it looked like a good time to take my BL 'Nums and go home. But couldn't find Ass Clown Posse Dave.

01:03 PM
Guess Dave ate a buncha grass baked goods and forgot his drew on clown paint. Found him in the john sayin' "My face is dying!" Real mess.

01:07 PM
Told Dave, "your face isn't dying, you're just Ass Clown Posse." Had to help him to the car. Cooter's house was like a war zone.

02:01 PM
Learned some pretty valuable life lessons last night: #1 ICP guys don't know when to say when to stop lightin' their own houses on fire.

02:03 PM
#2 If you bring BL 'Nums into a den of maniacs, make sure you keep a private stash so if the action gets too hot, you can grab 'em & split.

02:07 PM
and #3: Don't eat a bunch of grass pastries after you drew on a Sharpie ICP Bozo face. You'll wish you were dead, you guys.

Sun Apr 22 2012

12:43 PM
Havin' a really relaxin' Sunday. Watchin' the Tigs. Couple BL 'Nums. Better Mades & Dean's French Onion. Don't get much better, you guys.

01:12 PM
Pretty sure Papa Grande is a bold flavor man from way back. Would love some of his latino heat tips. Muy caliente.

01:26 PM
Wonder if Papa Grande turned Verlander onto his pre-game meal at the Bell? Probably showed him the ropes, mexicali style.

01:29 PM
Things are really heatin' up in extra innings. Gonna do some shots of Crown with Dave. Crank up the excitement. Gotta take advantage.

01:38 PM
Dave's face is still all stained with his Sharpie ICP Bozo mask. Ha! Can't wash it off. Go Tigers! Such a great day. Livin' the dream!

01:39 PM
No! Goddamnit!!!

01:52 PM
Sick of this. Can't have nothin'.

03:27 PM
Headin' to Crown Royal City, USA. Hear it's nice and quiet there. You just take it easy, and the world never bites back.

09:13 PM
Real deep in the Crown. Dave said wrestling is at theJoe tomorrow night. Buyin' tickets. Screwq it. We're goin'. Pretty drunk who cares.

09:15 PM
Man this is agonna be such a blast. Dave said ist Monday RawNight and it's the best. My treat. man, we earned this. hope stone cold isthere!

Tue Apr 24 2012

01:43 PM
Just got to work. Such a mess. Steamed at Dave like never before. Wanna murder his face to oblivion. He's a stupid worthless corncob!!!

01:52 PM
Took the day off to go to Monday Night Raw yesterday. Made a big Thermos of roadie G&Ts, plenty of Jack Links. The works, really.

02:02 PM
Got there early and hit up Cheli's Chili bar. My fav. The chili is so money. Comes in a bread bowl and everything. Just the way I like it.

02:06 PM
Musta took down 6 Labatt's with my Cheli's slow smoked baby backs. You gotta check it out. So smooth.

02:07 PM
When we headed over to the Joe for Raw, Dave said he wasn't feelin' too hot. Told him maybe he just had to grunt out a premie.

02:09 PM
Our seats weren't the greatest, but we snuck in some Beam in Dave's crotch. Not ideal, but no one's getttin' near those sweats.

02:13 PM
When you're sittin' behind the Titan Tron, it's a BYOB policy. Kind of an unspoken code of the WWE. Think I read that somewhere.

02:16 PM
Stone Cold didn't show up. Pretty disappointin'. Was hopin' to see him crush some cold ones, bad boy style.

02:18 PM
Saw some good stuff though. Some babe with rockin' chest beefers broke her ankle. Man, wish I coulda been there for her. Give her my touch.

02:22 PM
Didn't care much for the fat oriental who beat up the black from the streets. In real life, man, R-Truths woulda just shot that assclown.

02:24 PM
I also remember some rich mexican guy (wrestling is fake) fightin some monster face guy and a dude named Pig Show. They were huge, you guys!

02:27 PM
I know the CM Punk guy. Used to rock. Looks like he has a drinkin' problem now. It's kinda sad. Hope he doesn't turn out like Jake Snakeman.

02:32 PM
My favorite part mighta been when The Funkosaurus guy came out. Soul brother has got it goin' on! Babes on each arm? SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA!

02:35 PM
Funkosaurus is sponsored by Loco D'reets. Big caboose babes, bold flavors, nasty jams, fine threads? Might give Guy a run for King of Cool.

02:38 PM
Sometime around when Brock Lesnar and Cena were gonna have a meeting, Dave said he needed to go to the car to lay down. Gave him the keys.

02:49 PM
Polished off the Beam and caught a few z's in my seat. Wanted to rest up for the drive home. Gotta be responsible.

02:53 PM
Went to where the 'Bring was after an usher woke me up to "get the hell out, idiot." Wasn't very nice. Think he didn't like his job.

02:55 PM
Couldn't find the car. Figured some Detroit street animal feasted his eyes on the 'Bring and had to get it on.

02:57 PM
Musta called Dave 20 times in 2 hrs. before he picked up. Said he drove home 'cause it was a BM emergency and hung up for "privacy."

02:59 PM
Had to get a room at some crap hotel. Took the Greyhound back today like a homeless. Had to hold in my beefs for 2 hrs on it. So steamed.

03:00 PM
Gonna get a private cab back to the pad. Hope Dave knows hell's comin' with me.

Wed Apr 25 2012

10:31 AM
Had a real guy to guy with Dave last night. Told him, "Stranding a pal in Detroit overnight 'cause you have BM tortures is not an excuse."

10:33 AM
"I coulda been murdered, guy raped, beaten with a chain, anything really. Just hold in your explosion or find a handicrapper for privacy."

10:35 AM
"If you ever leave me for dead in Detroit again, we can't be pals anymore. It's the code of the streets. Dig it, kimosabe?"

10:37 AM
Dave said, "But I didn't know where you went!" I said, "Yes you did Dave. Yes you did." HE left, not ME. I'm not stupid. I was passed out.

10:39 AM
Dave thought about it, tears welled up, and he said, "Thanks for buyin' us wrestling tickets, Karl." We had a guy code hug. Felt special.

10:42 AM
Dave's kinda like my sidekick I guess. Sure, he's a bag of crap, but it lets me shine, so he's doin' his job. Gotta respect that.

10:53 AM
Forgiveness to your brothers is the ultimate power move, you guys. Lotta problems in the USA right now. Gotta stand strong together.

Thu Apr 26 2012

11:10 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:53 AM
Ann called. Said we should sit down with the kids this weekend and talk about our upcoming divorce. Must be some crap a book told her to do.

12:01 PM
Ann's so inconsiderate. I could have weekend plans. I can't just drop everything to discuss a divorce that the kids have nothin' to do with.

12:03 PM
Ann says I should come by the house on Saturday, have the talk there so the kids feel safe. What about MY needs? I feel safe at Chili's.

12:07 PM
And why would I even do what Ann says anyway? We're gettin' divorced. It's over. She can't ground me or anything.

12:10 PM
What "divorce" discussion are we havin' with the kids anyway? How they were so lame and ruined things? They blew it, not me.

12:13 PM
If that's how Ann wants to play, fine. We'll talk. Tell the kids how they had pretty much the #1 Dad in the USA, but now they can suck it.

12:22 PM
If your family doesn't like you, screw 'em. Blood might be thicker than water, but an ice cold beer tastes best, and never lets me down.

Fri Apr 27 2012

02:06 PM
Almost time to head to Cold One City, USA. Saturday's pretty much ruined with Ann & the kids. Gotta take advantage of my Friday freedom.

02:12 PM
"Freedom! I won't letcha down. Freedom! So please don't give me up. Freedom! Ya gotta en-joy your Fri-day!!!!" Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

02:23 PM
George Michaels always had smokin' babes on his arm. Then he went guy carnal while usin' the john and people gave him guff. Don't seem fair.

02:31 PM
When you're in the john, peeners and backdoors are exposed. It's unavoidable. It's only natural, and nobody's business. Guy code.

02:33 PM
Spent most of the day plannin' out what to say to Ann & the kids tomorrow. Gotta shut 'em down. Always prepare for war with power moves.

02:36 PM
Always prepare for war with power moves. Always prepare for war with power moves. Always prepare for war with power moves.

02:39 PM
Battles are for amateurs. ALWAYS prepare for war, you guys.

02:49 PM
I'm outta here. Weekend don't start 'til you flip work the bird and pull outta the parkin' lot on Friday. Math lesson: My + ass = kiss it.

05:36 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Sun Apr 29 2012

08:42 PM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers this weekend, you guys.

Mon Apr 30 2012

12:02 PM
Really hurtin' today. Kinda took it to the limit. Gonna take it easy. Probably kick back in the john with a Timehouse, get my head together.

12:05 PM
Went to Ann & the kids on Saturday for the divorce talk. 2 hrs. late. Stopped at Paddy's for a few cold ones to be loose and conversational.

12:08 PM
Ann didn't have any snacks set out. Was so steamed. A veggie tray is not, "snacks." You can't crush your kids with divorce news on veggies.

12:11 PM
Ann didn't dress nice or put on make up or anything. Thought she'd make a last ditch effort for my carnal touch. Me? My look was on point.

12:16 PM
Maui Jims, rockin' pony, new diamond stud 'rang, heavy 'logne, and my new style jeans. They're so money: http://t.co/fXc1oAjG

12:18 PM
And my new tee was really out of bounds. Ann must've felt so stupid for not dressin' up when she saw this bad boy: http://t.co/RUq3k3C1

12:25 PM
Ann didn't have any cold beers or drinks in the house AT ALL. Wonder if she has a problem? I was smart to BMOB. Malibu & Diet, "Cocoa Tans."

12:28 PM
Whether you're on a sandy paradise, surrounded by chesty beach babes, or tellin' your fam you're splittin', Cocoa Tans always hit the spot.

12:37 PM
Ann asked if, "I really NEEDED to be drinking." Told her, "I don't NEED to do anything, 'cause I do what I WANT." Shut her down.

12:41 PM
Ann started in with some crap like, "Your father and I really love you very much, but..." Put on my sports Discman, cranked up the 'Snake.

12:44 PM
Told Ann, let's just do this, showdown style. I brought note cards so I didn't forget anything. Wanted to be professional. All business.

12:47 PM
Told my kids, "your mom and I are severing our bond, both carnally, as well as legal. She just stopped makin' an effort. It's too bad."

12:50 PM
"I was pretty much the #1 hubby/Dad in the USA. And you guys threw it all away. No one this cool will ever love you. One day, you'll see."

12:53 PM
I turned up the 'Snake and pounded my Cocoa Tan. I had to get it on. My emotions felt so rock n roll. But it also felt righteous.

12:56 PM
"We could have shared the crazy world call 'life' together. But don't you worry about me. I'll be just fine. I'm better than ever."

12:59 PM
My daughters didn't even look up from their stupid phone game, like I wasn't even there. It was time to let the Big Dogs off the porch.

01:06 PM
"Christmas presents? GONE. Birthdays? GONE. You betrayed the President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. Celebraishes are for team Karl only."

01:12 PM
My son started waving his wand around, probably sayin' some crap about magic. Turned up the 'Snake even louder. Power move.

01:18 PM
Told 'em all, "If you want to EVER see me again, you better make some changes. Don't ever beg me to come over without respectful snacks."

01:21 PM
"Snacks are important to a man. Meats, cheeses, chips & dip. Not VEGGIE trays." Bit off a baby carrot & spit it out, bad boy style.

01:24 PM
"This? This VEGGIE tray? This is why we're done. It's a metaphor for this whole charade! YOU REJECT THE BOLD FLAVOR LIFESTYLE!" Welled up.

01:26 PM
It's ok for a grown man to tear up a bit, if he covers his eyes with his Maui Jims, knee deep in Malibu Cocoa Tans.

01:28 PM
Didn't want em to see weakness, so I hit the bricks. Timed it just right so I slammed the door at 3:57 in Still of The Night. Pretty badass.

01:31 PM
Kinda got lost Saturday & Sunday in emotional darkness. Feelin' a little better now. It's their loss. Bet they're hurtin twice as hard.

01:32 PM
Really lookin' forward to Cinco de Mayo, you guys.

Tue May 01 2012

11:48 AM
My bro Al just called. Said I have to check out the new Bud Light Lime-a-ritas. Hope they're not sold out. Kinda concerned. Can't miss out.

11:50 AM
Al says they're beer and a marg in one can. It doesn't take a math genius to figure out that's 2 drinks at once. Such a winning combination.

11:53 AM
Wonder if they made 'em special for the Cinco? BL Margs might be for a limited time. Gotta take advantage.

11:59 AM
There's only technically 3 full days 'til the Cinco. If BL Margs are sold out already, I'd wanna kill myself. Might sneak outta work.

12:02 PM
There's no way the Mexicans missed out on the BL Marg news. Probably cruisin' around fillin' up their fruit trucks for the celebraish.

12:08 PM
Sometimes I wish I was Mexican. Sounds like a great job. You just get a truck, fill it with junk or fruit, and cruise around, peepin babes.

12:45 PM
Can't sit here anymore. All I can picture are Mexicans buyin' up all the BL Margs. Plus it's the Uno. Cash flow is heavy in the barrio.

12:50 PM
Told Nosey Lady I've got a guy pain I forgot my medication for. If you don't want questions asked, a "guy pain" keeps their trap shut.

Wed May 02 2012

12:02 PM
Split outta work early yesterday to stock up on BL Margs. Kroger said they didn't have 'em. Got pretty steamed.

12:08 PM
Told the manager at Kroger, "What do you mean ya don't have BL Margs? Is your grocery buyer racist? It's almost the Cinco!" Got in his face.

12:10 PM
Manager said, "I'm sorry sir, I've never heard of BL Margs, but we can put you on a list?" A list?! That's just a runaround. I KNOW.

12:12 PM
Said, "Listen buddy, alot of proud Mexicans might be down here any second, stabbin' anything that moves, if you don't get BL Margs, pronto!"

12:18 PM
Violence isn't the answer, but when you disrespect USA Mexicans after their long struggle, it's a casual solution. -Julio Cesar Chavez

12:23 PM
He "politely asked me to leave." I said, "OK, but good luck when a guy named Tito has a blade in your face 'cause you don't have BL Margs."

12:26 PM
Cinco de Mayo is the time of year when we join hands with the Mexican people and give thanks for their kicked up bold flavors, you guys.

12:31 PM
Miss when Kroger used to be Kessel's. Man, Al Kessel sure knew great value. He was a bold flavor pioneer. Al woulda had BL Margs ON SPECIAL.

12:33 PM
"At Kessel's, we're with you." Really takes me back, you guys.

Thu May 03 2012

11:46 AM
Estoy anticipando el fin de semana muy mucho, mi amigos.

11:48 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:54 AM
Found a pocket translator I got for when I wanted to take Ann to Sammy Hagar's in Cabo. She said it was a stupid idea. Hurt my feelings.

11:57 AM
Who turns down a trip to go to Sammy Hagar's actual cantina in Mexico?! Coulda been special. 3 days of rock & romance. Ann has bad taste.

12:20 PM
Still haven't found any BL Margs. Muy preocupado. Might have to hit the barrio streets with my translator. Grease some palms for the 411.

12:28 PM
If the Mexicans bought up all the BL Margs, might be lookin' at a back alley situaish. Wish Peanut wasn't dead. He'd know where to score.

12:36 PM
Information? Grapefruit? A broken VCR? If you need it, and they have it, a Mexican will probably sell it to you for 5 bucks, you guys.

12:44 PM
In Mexico, there aren't really stores, just the streets. And you can buy anything for cash or drugs. It's the American dream, Mexico style.

12:46 PM
If I don't score some BL Margs, I don't know what I'm gonna do. So worried. Can't disrespect the Cinco. It's bad for world relations.

Fri May 04 2012

10:22 AM
Feliz Viernes para ti, mi amigos.

11:09 AM
RIP MCA, Adam Yauch. Gotta show some respect, you guys.

Sat May 05 2012

11:56 AM
Cinco Celebraish, 2012. Let's roll, you guys.

11:58 AM
Took the afternoon off work yesterday. Felt bummed about MCA. Told Nosey Lady I had "guy pains." She wouldn't understand about the B-Boys.

12:00 PM
The B-Boys are some of the hardest partiers in the history of the USA and anywhere else really. Wish we could hung out back in the day.

12:03 PM
The B-Boys understood that raunchy guy humor was ok if it was part of a celebraish. And they had a celebraish everyday. Ha! So money.

12:05 PM
Was pretty upset. Decided to really focus on the BL Marg situaish. Had to get it on. These colors don't run, you guys. Even for the Cinco.

12:07 PM
As far as I'm concerned, the Cinco is all about the Red, White, Blue, AND Green, you guys. Bet they even look the other way at the border.

12:15 PM
Went to Subway. Asked that Tito who gives me looks for ranch on my meatball subs, "Dónde están los MARGS BL. 5 dólares?" Played it cool.

12:18 PM
Acted like he didn't know what I was talkin about. Figured he didn't wanna get it on at work. Told him to meet me out back. He never showed.

12:23 PM
Was pretty stressed. Went home for a stink & think. If you clear out your body, you clear out your mind, you guys. Some religion said that.

12:31 PM
Had a through the john door guy to guy with Dave. Said we might not have BL Margs for the Cinco. Dave said Lime-A-Reet's? Already had em.

12:33 PM
Almost fell off the pot. Scream/grunted, "YOU HAD BL MARGS?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?! I'VE BEEN BUSTIN' MY ASS FOR THE CINCO!"

12:40 PM
Dave said he took a date to the Whigville party store & drank a few in the parking lot. The date is a lie, probably just Cooter, but...

12:45 PM
Couldn't grunt out that premie fast enough. Only time I wished I had a bigger b-hole. Hit it with a wet wipe & Duke Boys'd to the 'Bring.

12:49 PM
Got me 6 12-packs of BL Margs. They're small, but 8% bold flavor. Already took down a 12 with Dave. Good thing I stocked up. So smooth.

12:53 PM
Dave said Cooter has the line on a celebraish with a guy named Tony D. He's Mexican and everything. Might have to head over. Show respect.

01:00 PM
On the Cinco, it's ok to just show up at any Mexican's celebraish. They're for everyone. It's a white & brown team-up tradition, you guys.

Sun May 06 2012

02:47 PM
Really hurtin' today. If you're not, you probably didn't do your job for the USA & Mexican relations, you guys.

02:51 PM
Had a blast at Tony D's. Real fiesta. So much Mexican pride, bold flavors, chips & dip, "carnal asada." The works really. Full spread.

02:55 PM
Tony D was so cool. Lives with his cousin Ricardo, Ric's bro Boinah, his Ma, and a whole other family upstairs! Such a proud clan.

03:03 PM
Brought a 12 of BL Margs as a peace offering. Gave it to Tony D, "para mi nuevos amigos." He said, "Orale!" Knew he was down, you guys.

03:10 PM
Dave was bein' cool. The homies lifted him up for a keg stand. He barfed a ton. Everyone cheered. Mexicans know it's part of a celebraish.

03:18 PM
Cooter said he was "feelin' ripe & nasty." Had to go get a taste of the "ugly dust." Said I was cool. BL Margs had me in the limelight.

03:23 PM
Don't know what they put in the "carnal asada," but I was feelin' real boss after 2 tacs & a couple smooth tokes off Tony D's grass cigar.

03:25 PM
Was peepin' this babe named Sally Perez. Such a dynamite latina. Real generous in the caboose, lips, & chest beefer portions. Piled high.

03:32 PM
Thought I'd keep it outlaw with Sally. Gave her "the bad boy nod." Knocked over a bowl of guac, don't think she noticed. Played it cool.

03:38 PM
Guess Dave wasn't feelin' so well. Went in the john to take a carnal asada BM, he was crashed out in the tub, pukin' up some black goop.

03:46 PM
Told Dave "Just Listerine for the honeys & stop blowin' black tar out your grill." Can't puke in a 'Can's tub on the Cinco. Disresptecful.

03:49 PM
Thought if Sallyvknew I was down with the barrio homies, I'd have a better shot crossin' the border. Teamed up with Tony D and some mescal.

03:56 PM
Me & Tony D took that Mescal to the house. I took the last drink. He said, "Get that worm, for the women!" 10-4, bueno amigo.

04:02 PM
Was gonna go rap to Sally, show her my moves, but Tony D said he had somethin' real special planned. Guess it was a guy to guy situaish.

04:07 PM
Tony D went to the stereo, picked up a Bad Company tape, put it in and started screamin, "BAD COMPANY, TIL THE DAY I DIE!" Kinda concerning.

04:13 PM
Tony D screamed the whole "Bad Company" song in my face with tears runnin' down his cheeks. Might be a Mexican thing? Stayed strong.

04:18 PM
Told Tony D, "guy to guy, do you think Sally catches my mad swag?"He got real serious, said "That's my cousin!" Said, so? Cool ese?

04:21 PM
Dave came crashin' outta the john, pants around his ankles, covered in black puke goop, said, "Do you think anyone delivers crab cakes?"

04:23 PM
Told Tony D I should either get Dave home or to the hospital and hit it to the 'Bring. Don't remember drivin' home. Guess I was too carnal.

04:26 PM
Headin out, I told Sally, "Someday lady, you'll accompany me." Felt righteous. Puked up some Mescal by the car and drove home, feelin' free.

04:34 PM
If you're gonna put the moves on a latina babe, puke up some mescal on your car, then ride into the mornin' sun like a boss, you guys.

04:34 PM
I'd love to personally wish a happy birthday to Mr. Bob Seger. A true voice of America. Ain't gonna make 'em like that anymore, you guys.

04:40 PM
Every year we have Bob Seger on this earth is better than the ones we won't. Least you can do is tip a goddamn USA cold one in his honor.

05:00 PM
"Feel like a number. I'm not a number. I'm NOT a number. Damnit, I'm a man. I said I'm a man." That's what life is all about, you guys.

Mon May 07 2012

12:52 PM
Man, what a weekend. Really draggin', but it was worth it. For Mexicans, Bob Seger, the USA, everyone really. Such a blast.

01:34 PM
Asked Ken if his Cinco rocked. He said, "Oh, Cinco de Mayo? Nothin' special. Grilled some dogs I guess." Wonder if Ken is racist?

01:41 PM
Told Ken about how I puked mescal, Tony D screamin Bad Co. in my face and Sally's beefers. Said he had to be somewhere and walked away.

01:43 PM
Wonder if Ken hates the Cinco or Mexicans for some reason? Who walks away when a story is just gettin to the chest beefer part?

01:48 PM
If you're havin' a guy to guy with me about a babe's smokin' chest beefers, the only appointment I have to be at is listening, you guys.

02:16 PM
When you're talkin' 'bout a piled high caboose and a full rack of lady ribs, color should never be an issue. That's always been my policy.

Tue May 08 2012

11:40 AM
Bath towel seemed a kinda rough this mornin. Yelled to Dave if he used it. He came bustin' in and said, oh, that's my "date towel." ? !

11:42 AM
Didn't ask Dave what "date towel" means. Don't want to know. Dave never goes on dates. Dave never has any dates stay over to use a towel.

11:45 AM
Also, why does Dave think that just 'cause I'm talkin' to him through the john door, he should just open it and come in? I was in the nude.

11:50 AM
I mean, I got no problem with my bod, in the nude. But that's for babes. The locker room peeners out mentality can invite trouble.

11:52 AM
Sure, when you're in the john, peeners, veggies, backdoors? All exposed. But you keep it low key. It's not a showboat situaish.

11:55 AM
Once in high school, I was walkin 'round the locker room in the nude like Joe Cool. A senior whipped my peener with a towel. Hurt real bad.

11:58 AM
Thought my peener was gonna fall off. Burned like a thousand suns and felt like it leaked hot whizz but there was no whizz. Such a disaster.

11:59 AM
Hiked myself up on the drinkin' fountain, in the nude, and put my peener under the cold water. Thought I might have to go to the hospital.

12:03 PM
The gym teacher walked in and said, "Welzein, why in the hell is your plumbing in the water fountain?!" Didn't wanna rat, played it cool.

12:05 PM
Was in so much pain I could hardly talk, told him, "My penis. On fire." The gym teacher sent me to the principle. Felt so sad. So scared.

12:07 PM
Was pretty sure my peener was gonna fall off, AND I was gonna be in trouble for puttin it in the drinkin fountain. Fainted in the hallway.

12:09 PM
Woke up to the secretary puttin smellin salts in my nose. Didn't know where I was. They sent me home. Had to tell my mom what happened.

12:11 PM
My mom told me, "That's why we keep out plumbing in our pants, mister." Made me Triscuits & Mayo. Always hit the spot.

12:14 PM
Never just walk around with your peener out. It's dangerous. Someone could whip it off with a towel, you guys.

Wed May 09 2012

01:27 PM
Think I figured out what Dave's "date towel" that I used to dry off after the shower is for. Pretty upset. Gonna bury it deep, deep down.

02:13 PM
If you can't escape a harsh reality, it's best to just create another one, preferably in a universe where you drink trunk liquor at work.

03:16 PM
Goin home. Hope Dave's not on a "date." Such a grossout. Nothin worse than needin to BM when the john is occupied for solo carnal passions.

05:43 PM
Told Dave we need to have a guy to guy. Made up a batch of my mac & cheese. I add some Lawry's & a few slices of American. (special recipe)

05:45 PM
Dave goes pretty bonkers for my Captain Karl's Mac, so I doubled the recipe by usin' 2 boxes. That means there's twice as much. So money.

05:49 PM
Let Dave know that I'm not 100% positive what his "date towel" is for, and really don't want to. Regardless, it should stay in his room.

05:52 PM
Dave started in with, "But, it's for dates! And sometimes I need dates in other..." Took his mac away. Said, "No Dave. No." Shut him down.

05:56 PM
Told Dave, "I don't know what a 'date towel' is, but I rubbed it all over my nude body, and now I don't feel clean. So please...

05:58 PM
...,keep it in your room. I had to drink away the horror possibilities in my car this afternoon, and you know how I take my job seriously.

05:59 PM
You want this mac? 'Cause it'll go RIGHT IN THE TRASH!" Dave went under the couch and got his "date towel" and put it his room. Seemed sad.

06:14 PM
If you're gonna have a guy to guy about stoppage of possible common area solo carnal passions, best to do it over mac 'n cheese, you guys.

06:18 PM
Wonder if Dave is lonely? The babes pretty much just head my way, but maybe we should go tag team cruisin'? Get Dave a taste of the action?

Thu May 10 2012

12:56 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

07:18 PM
Told Dave, Friday night, it's just me & him, rockin' into the night on a babe hunt. Fred Bear style. Just babes though, not killin' animals.

07:31 PM
Dave asked to borrow some 'logne. (Had to hide my Tim McGraw after he used up the last bottle for john freshnin') Says he's out of "Tester."

07:33 PM
Asked Dave what "Tester" was. Said it's his signature scent. Showed me an empty bottle of Polo with a "Tester" sticker. Idiot.

07:38 PM
Asked Dave if he 5 fingered the "Tester?!" Said, "It's a big sample. There's no limit on samples. Had to take advantage." Pretty good point.

08:55 PM
BL 'Nums are goin down SO smooth. Told Dave I gotta hit the sack but he wants to plot & scheme more for the babe hunt. Gotta be encouraging.

08:58 PM
When a pal comes out and admits he needs help in the carnal passions department, that's when Cold One City stays open after hours, you guys.

Fri May 11 2012

11:42 AM
I'll be your nonstop lover, get it while you can. Your nonstop miracle, I'm your man. Get outta my dreams, get into my Friday, you guys.

11:49 AM
Found a Billy Ocean greatest hits CD Dave said he got from BMG years ago. Never opened it! Rocked it in 'Bring this morning. So good.

11:55 AM
If you wake up and wish you died in your sleep so you could get some extra rest, just put the top down and let the Billy Ocean in, you guys.

12:00 PM
Billy Ocean was a true soul brother who brought a sensual party vibe that lends itself a celebraish or just wantin to die alone in your car.

12:10 PM
Most of these r&b buffoons today couldn't shine Billy Ocean's shoes. Buncha garbage that no one'll like next month, let alone in 20 years.

12:14 PM
The only job the USA should allow Chris Brown to have is takin' Billy Ocean's garbage to the curb for 50 cents and a mustard sandwich.

02:23 PM
Gotta hit the bricks early. Got the big babe hunt tonight with Dave. Gonna prime the pump with some BL 'Nums to be loose and conversational.

02:27 PM
Feel bad for Dave. Really opened up to me. Said he craves a babe's touch and can't wait to "grab some snatch." Gotta discuss that with him.

02:32 PM
Dave asked how many babes I've made it carnal with. Told him, A real bad boy doesn't combine math and romance. He's too busy gettin' it on.

Sat May 12 2012

11:27 AM
Pretty banged up. Really hurtin.'

11:33 AM
Dave's sleepin' in the kitchen. Fridge door is open. Hope the mayo didn't go bad. I just bought a new one. The big size too.

11:36 AM
When you get skunked on a babe hunt, sleepin' in the kitchen is acceptable. Nothin' says shame like wakin' up to a face full of linoleum.

11:38 AM
At one point last night, thought Dave might be closin' a deal. Rapped at a babe for 15 minutes. That's when I came in to really tee it up.

11:40 AM
Said, "'Sup. I'm K-Money. Just to let you know, if you're into this cat right here, I'd take advantage. He's in demand from coast to coast."

11:42 AM
"Don't wanna tell you what to do with your life, I'd get a taste of Dave's carnal passions. Don't look like you got other options."

11:45 AM
"I got the 'Bring right outside. Real cherry. I could drive you two, like a private cab, but with the top down. Dave's all class."

11:49 AM
"Plus, I got this new Billy Ocean CD. Ever get carnal to 'Suddenly' in a convertible? Man, you'll just cream." (gave Dave the guy code wink)

11:53 AM
Dave kinda froze up and the babe said she was goin' for another drink. Never came back. Really blew it. I had that score on lockdown.

11:55 AM
If Dave can't score with a babe with a face like a crumpled up lunch sack, I don't know what we're gonna do with him. Gotta regroup.

11:58 AM
Found an old bottle of Andre in the back of the fridge. Makin' patch me up halfies with Gatorade. Call 'em Gatorpagne. So smooth.

12:00 PM
Gatorpagne: half champagne, half Gatorade, because hydration don't need a reason to celebrate, you guys. Is it in you?

12:13 PM
For whatever you got goin' on, why not start the day with a celebraish? With Gatorpagne, you'll touch the sky.

Sun May 13 2012

11:41 AM
Dave wanted to go on a solo babe hunt last night. Guess he was worried he didn't shine enough next to my K-Money swag. Understandable.

11:50 AM
Dave came back with a buncha numbers and "names" on scrap paper. Said he really cleaned up. He wasn't even wasted. Babes don't like that.

11:53 AM
When Dave went in the john, I went through his "babe numbers." One name was "Tomato?!" Called the number, it was for a Tim Hortons. Idiot.

11:55 AM
You can't get steamy with babes you make up. That's just a solo carnal passions situaish, no matter what lies you tell to yourself.

11:58 AM
Wonder what Ann's got planned for Mom's Day? Probably down in the dumps I'm not there. Bet she'll call, beggin' for ol Karl to save the day.

12:00 PM
When you think about it, Mom's Day is just as much about the Dads. No Dads = no Moms. Hope Ann's not so petty she can't give me a ring.

02:25 PM
Still no call from Ann. Pretty steamed. So disrespectful. After all I've done in the past. Giant cards, chocolate roses. The works, really.

02:28 PM
Dave went to visit his mom. Didn't say he was, but he was wearin' his best Chaps polo that she says makes him look "so handsome."

02:30 PM
Frankly, I'm glad Ann hasn't bothered me to come over. Pretty happy Dave's gone too. Might have a lil' "Karl's Day" celebraish. WELL earned.

02:35 PM
Know what's better than family time? ME time. On my watch, it's always cold one o'clock, you guys.

02:40 PM
Headin' to the store for supplies. Anyone want anything? Oh yeah, it's just me. I'll get whatever I want then. Ha! Yep, havin' me a Sunday!

03:41 PM
Got some BL Margs, BL Nums, Dean's French Onion & Better Mades, Koegels for grillin', AND a fresh bottle of 'Bu for Cocoa Tans. Full spread.

03:42 PM
Man, Dave's gonna be so P.O.'d when he finds out how hard I partied for "Karl's Day." Might have to call him later. Shove it in his face.

05:25 PM
These Cocoa Tans are goin' down so smooth. Like an island paradise in my mouth. Gonna call Dave. Let him know how he's missin' out.

07:33 PM
Dave never picked up. Called about 10 times. Left a bunch of fart sound messages. That's guy code for "you're really missin' a celebraish."

07:35 PM
Might call Ann. See if her Mom's Day is as rockin' as "Karl's Day." Really make her jealous. I'm the man.

08:12 PM
Accidentally left a fart sound message on Ann's machine. Was just in such a groove from callin' Dave. Kinda bombed. Might call back.

08:53 PM
Called Ann back. Left her a message, "Sorry I made beef sounds on your machine. Thought you were Dave. Long story. Call me if ya wanna rap."

08:55 PM
Wonder if Ann even checks her machine anymore? Probably no reason since I left the picture. I was the one in demand. Might call back.

09:40 PM
Called Ann back. No answer. Callin' back. Maybe the dishwasher is on too loud for her to hear the phone?

09:52 PM
Sick of this. Callin' Ann back again. MAKIN' FART SOUNDS INTO THE PHONE LIKE NEVER BEFORE! You don't disrespect me on Karl's Day!

10:18 PM
Told Ann's machine, "PBBBBTBPBTTTPBBBTTTPBBTT!!! You're messin' with a real maniac over here! I got the moves! YOU'RE MISSIN'OUT SO HARD!!!"

10:28 PM
So sick of this.

Mon May 14 2012

12:20 PM
Went kinda bonkers last night. Called Ann once or twice. Don't think I said anything too bad though. She probably liked the attention.

12:38 PM
Really hurtin'. Drank almost a whole bottle of 'Bu last night. Hard to keep track 'cause of the white bottle. There should be a warning.

12:45 PM
Liquor bottles gotta be clear, not white Especially when it goes down as smooth as the 'Bu. You have no idea know how much you drank!

01:41 PM
Gonna go take a snooze in the john. Sometimes a nice cold seat on the guy cheeks is just what the Dr. ordered.

03:35 PM
Just came out of the john. Nosey Lady was the only one still at work. Had to cover up where I was. Muttered, "blacked out from guy pains."

03:37 PM
Nosey Lady said, "Karl, if you're blacking out from internal pain, maybe you should see a doctor." Yeah, Dr. Cold One, MD. Idiot.

03:40 PM
So rude to say someone should see a doctor. What would Nosey do if I told her to she see a doctor for a prescription of "shut the hell up?"

03:43 PM
There's no cure for "guy pains" anyway. I know because it's a problem I made up. Just shows you how stupid Nosey Lady is. What a sow.

Tue May 15 2012

12:05 PM
Ann called. Says we need to talk and wants to get together Thursday. Musta heard what a blast I had on Karl's Day. Probably feels left out.

12:21 PM
Sure, makin' fart sounds on Ann's answering machine might've been immature, but it shows a youthful spirit. Lets her know I'm virile.

12:23 PM
Young or old, makin' fart sounds into the phone never goes out of style. It's a timeless power move, you guys.

02:33 PM
Just had a meeting at work. Said they're cuttin' our pay, but we get to keep our jobs, so we should be thankful. Thank THIS, a-holes.

02:34 PM
I give 110% at my job, and if that's the way they wanna play ball, I might just have to cut it back to 85. I'm no slave. I have pride.

02:38 PM
Guess the head honcho didn't come in to make the cuts himself 'cause he's on vacation. Makes me so steamed. Probably on an island somewhere.

02:40 PM
Nowadays, you can't even bend over for a second in this country without some rich corncob tryin' to push his problems in your backdoor.

03:23 PM
The "you're lucky to have a job" line is just a face crap, grunted outta the mouths of rich pieces of trash, you guys.

03:26 PM
I'm not "lucky" to have a job. I "deserve" a job, 'cause I'm a goddamn American, and that's how we do things around here.

03:44 PM
If a boss screws you over, find their home number, a pay phone, and give 'em some late night fart sound phone calls. Street Justice, USA.

03:51 PM
Headin to Cold One City, where the unemployment rate is 0% and everybody makes 12 ounces a bottle. Fair Wages & Freedom for the Workin Man.

Wed May 16 2012

11:45 AM
Really hurtin' today, you guys. If your job treats you like garbage, you might as well be hungover. I save "feelin' good" for my days off.

11:48 AM
Cuttin' someone's pay is basically just sayin': "Please start doing as little work as possible and maybe steal some crap here and there."

11:53 AM
It's not "stealin" if you're takin from some big wigs who screwed the little guy for their stuff in the first place. It's more "takin back."

12:12 PM
Never use a sick day to be "sick" from work. "Sick" is the perfect excuse to get pity and do nothing. "Sick days" are for baseball games.

12:14 PM
Only had 6 Mango Habs for lunch today. Gotta tighten the belt in these troubled times. Plus, I wanna look lean and mean for Ann tomorrow.

01:07 PM
Gonna go do some 'shups in the john. Gotta be 100% in the health zone for tomorrow. Ann'll flip when she sees how my beach bod is on point.

Thu May 17 2012

11:11 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:49 AM
Picked up this bad boy for my meet up with Ann tonight. Might be the coolest tee I've ever seen: http://t.co/Fq2TVWqt

11:55 AM
When you find a tee with a snake AND a rockin' guitar on it, you have to get it on. It's not about fashion, it's about style.

12:14 PM
Wanna be jacked for my meet up with Ann. Found a copy of Men's Health by the trash. Put a Penthouse cover over it, don't wanna look funny.

12:20 PM
When people see you readin' Men's Health, they just assume you're into guy on guy carnal action. That's cool in private, but not my style.

12:25 PM
Men's Health should do a version for straight shooters called "Babes & Health." Same health tips, but replace all the dudes with babes.

12:28 PM
I shouldn't have to put a Penthouse cover over my Men's Health. I don't care about assumptions. I'm all beef macho. But people are immature.

12:35 PM
Men's Health says you need protein before and after workouts. Gonna put a KFC 10 pc in the john for when I do my 'shups. Bucket o' muscles.

01:56 PM
Ken came in the john when I was eatin' KFC and readin' my Penthouse (Men's Health). Asked him, "Wanna get jacked?" He turned and walked out.

02:00 PM
If you walk into the john and there's a cool guy in there eatin' KFC and readin' Penthouse, you stick around and learn somethin', you guys.

02:19 PM
Did a set of 'shups to exhaustion (14). Crashed on the floor & smashed a KFC thigh bone into my snake guitar tee. Big stain. Really steamed.

02:22 PM
Tried to scrub the stain out with some hand soap and paper towels. Didn't work. Gonna let it soak for awhile.

02:33 PM
Went back into work with no shirt on! Sat there for 5 min before I realized it. Don't think anyone noticed though. If they did, their treat.

02:56 PM
Shirt is still soaked. Might just wear it, let it dry to my bod, shrink to fit style. Looks badass. Could be the new "wet" look. So carnal.

03:33 PM
Gotta go meet Ann. Shirt is still wet, but not wet enough for the "wet look." Might just soak it down again. Tell her the style is on point.

Fri May 18 2012

02:02 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

02:05 PM
Meeting with Ann was a disaster. We went to 'Bees.Thought it was supposed to be a one on one. She brought Doug & Tina Carlson. So steamed.

02:10 PM
Sat down in my soaked snake guitar tee, and Doug said, "Karl, are you ok? You're soaked with sweat." Told him, "It's the wet look, corncob."

02:13 PM
Doug's such a load. He wouldn't know style if it got dumped on his back like a hot jar of mayonnaise. That's a Calvin Klein quote, you guys.

02:16 PM
Ann started with the, "Karl, we're all here at Applebee's tonight because we're worried about you." Stupid. I was there for eats & drinks.

02:19 PM
Ann said, "Doug & Tina came along because they're your friends and they're worried about you too." Well they're not MY friends. Assclowns.

02:24 PM
Flagged a waitress and asked for a Mucho Marg. (it's a marg, but the big size in spanish.) Ann said, "Karl, no." Ordered 2, shut her down.

02:26 PM
Tina asked if she could say something. I told her, "Yeah, but go do it in the john. Flush while you say it so no one has to hear your crap."

02:29 PM
Tina said, "I'm sorry Ann, I can't do this. We're leavin. C'mon Doug." Told Doug, "yeah, Doug, go take your wife for a walk." Shut her down.

02:32 PM
Doug said, "Karl, I feel sorry for you. You need help." Said, "I just ordered 2 Mucho Margs, help is on the way." Shut him down.

02:37 PM
After Doug & Tina hit the bricks (didn't leave money for their pops. So rude.) Ann sat there quiet. Probably stunned at my power moves.

02:45 PM
Almost polished off my first Mucho Marg before Ann talked again. Was kinda nice, like old times. But back then I wasn't allowed to have 2.

02:48 PM
Was a few sips deep into my Mucho Marg numero dos. I asked Ann if she noticed how my beach bod was off the chain. She didn't say anything.

02:50 PM
Played it cool. Said, "Will you check if my guy nips are chafed from my wet shirt? Do me a solid." I pulled up my shirt for the reveal.

02:54 PM
Ann musta went wild with desires 'cause she stood up, slapped me as hard as she could and walked out. She must be frustrated carnally.

02:57 PM
Jaw was kinda outta alignment from where Ann hit me. Was hard to enjoy my 'Bee's Double Whisky Sirloins & garlic mashed. Perty tasty though.

03:20 PM
Kinda hard to shut my mouth all the way from where Ann hit me. Might be a soft supper kinda night. BL 'Nums, take me away.

03:22 PM
If a babe gets so mad at you, she cranks you in the face, that's a guarantee she's up all night with the gal tingles for your bod, you guys.

07:26 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Sat May 19 2012

11:33 AM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

11:50 AM
Might just take it easy today. Big weekend comin' up. Gotta be rested. My jaw still kinda hurts anyway. Can't close it. Ruins my face looks.

12:24 PM
Sure is a warm one. Wonder if Crazy Cooter has his above ground pool fixed? Could sure go for a dip. Maybe invite some babes?

12:29 PM
Cooter says his pool just needs some cleanin'. If me & Dave wanna stop by with a dirty 30 to help, could be done in a half hour. It's on!

12:34 PM
Even when you're a big piece of horrible garbage, if you have a pool, sign me up for the buddy system. That's summertime rules, you guys.

Mon May 21 2012

11:57 AM
Really hurtin' today, you guys.

11:59 AM
Went over to Crazy Cooter's on Saturday. He said we could use his pool if we helped clean it for a half hour. Severe underestimation.

12:00 PM
Crazy Cooter's pool was still destroyed from when he crashed his motorcycle into it. Side was all caved in. You can't "clean" that.

12:03 PM
Cooter said his pool'd still hold water and that "it's better than YOUR f@ckin' pool you pool you don't have, motherf@cker." Had a point.

12:05 PM
Cleaned a dead raccoon and some sludge outta Cooter's pool. Smelled worse than the john at Wendy's. So rank. Dave started pukin' everywhere.

12:09 PM
Cooter said, "You f@ckin' piece of sh*t! you puked in my pool, now you clean it all!" There was a dead animal in it! Barf wasn't the issue.

12:13 PM
Cooter got out a sump pump he stole outta a truck at the gas station to get the rest of the water sludge sucked up. Was smokin' pretty bad.

12:16 PM
We put Crazy Cooter's garden hose in the pool to start fillin' it up. He said "should only take an hour. Let's call up some f@ckin' slizz."

12:26 PM
Sat on his burned up couch and tore through the Busch dirty 30. Cooter smoked some weird crap & passed out, screamin in the phone at a babe.

12:31 PM
Finally, went outside to check on the pool. All the holes in it pretty much just flooded Cooter's backyard. Real disaster. Decide to split.

12:34 PM
Cooter woke up and came outside, said, "Where the f@ck you think you're goin'? The pool's gonna fill up and I got slizz on the way f@ckers."

12:38 PM
Cooter drug his filthy mattress outside and said, "When the slizz gets here, I'm gonna float & bang." Threw it in the pool. Was concerning.

12:41 PM
Cooter stepped in the water to grab the sump pump. Said, "This is the problem, assf@cks!" Got shocked pretty bad. Couldn't feel his arm.

12:43 PM
Told Cooter he should go the hospital, but he just got out a hammer and started smashing the side of the pool with it, usin' bad language.

12:46 PM
Me and Dave just ran for the 'Bring. Cooter threw the hammer at Dave. Hit him in the back. Pretty bad bruise. Shoulda been faster.

12:59 PM
No matter how bad you wanna hang with babes at a pool party, if the host throws a hammer at you, it's probably time to leave, you guys.

Tue May 22 2012

11:53 AM
Really lookin' forward to Memorial Day weekend, you guys.

12:12 PM
When there's a big USA holiday comin' up, you gotta start plannin' early. Can't be one of those corncobs who just "relaxed" all weekend.

12:17 PM
Saw High Life is doin' a special drive for the vets. If you send in caps, they give 'em money to buy cold ones. Gotta give back, you guys.

12:20 PM
Wonder why Miller needs us to drink their cold ones so they can donate money to vetrens? Aren't they billionaires who can just fork it over?

12:22 PM
If I ran Miller, I'd send the vetrens a thousand cases of High Life each for free. It's not like it's expensive. It's just "value" beer.

12:38 PM
Probably alot of vetrens who can only afford High Life. Wonder if they have to drink it then send in caps to get donations? Seems backwards.

12:41 PM
USA vetrens shouldn't have to pay for a cold one in this country ever. You risk your ass for America, suds should always be on the house.

01:20 PM
Just heard Guy Fieri is drivin' the Indy 500 pace car! Man, just when you think this country's in trouble, we really turn it around.

01:36 PM
Wonder what Guy Fieri is gonna eat in the pace car at Indy? A sammy? (Piled high of course) 'Chos? 'Za? Gotta be somethin' off the hook.

01:41 PM
I wouldn't be surprised if Guy Fieri just decided to stay in the race at Indy. Bet he could at least finish in the top 10. He's so money.

02:27 PM
Wish I could rock out in the pace car with Guy. Blarin' Kid Rock, peepin' bikini babes, wavin', drinkin' cold ones, doin' burnouts. Man.

02:36 PM
Maybe me & Dave should road trip to Indy this weekend? Could be a blast. Guy's busy with the pace car, but'll probably boogie down after?

Wed May 23 2012

11:33 AM
Talked to Dave last night. Indy 500 2012 is on! So pumped. Gonna be such a blast. Gotta shine up the 'Bring. Roll in with mad swag.

11:37 AM
Dave said he heard all the babes at the infield celebraish at Indy are pretty much topless, they just don't show it on TV. Whoa.

11:48 AM
Might have to pick up a new pair of Maui Jim shades to peep the babes. Mine got bent. Looks like I slept in 'em cause I did a few times.

11:56 AM
Shows good manners to wear dark shades in the summer. It's rude to stare at a babe's chest beefers if she knows you're doin' it, you guys.

01:08 PM
If I get a new pair of shades, I could wear one pair on my face and the other on the back of my neck like Guy Fieri. It'd look so badass.

01:13 PM
Guy's style is so on point. Wonder why he doesn't have a rockin pony? TV honchos probably say, "No way, leave some cool for the rest of us."

01:18 PM
Guy Fieri needs to have his own fashion line. Saw that Marc Anthony corncob has his own line at Kohl's. And Guy DOESN'T?! Pretty shocking.

01:24 PM
I know a thing or 2 about how a man should dress to impress. Maybe I should draw up a Guy Fieri clothing line? Could sweep the nation.

01:27 PM
Guy Fieri should definitely have his own cologne too. "So Money, by Guy." Or, "Bold Odors, from The House of Fieri." Written ALL this down.

02:06 PM
Sneakin' outta work to get on my Guy Fieri fashion line while it's fresh in my mind. Maybe bring drawings to Indy just in case. Who knows?

Thu May 24 2012

11:43 AM
REALLY lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys!!!

11:55 AM
So pumped. Can't sit still at work. Just wanna party so hard for the troops, vetrens, America, Guy Fieri. Everyone, really.

11:58 AM
Memorial day is important. It's not some blow it off, sit on your butt holiday like Thanksgiving. You gotta get out there and kick some ass.

12:04 PM
The troops didn't give their lives for people to "take it easy" like a sack of trash. They did it for all to run free in Cold One City, USA.

12:26 PM
Picked up this bad boy for Sunday. So badass, meaningful, AND shows respect. Cuttin' off the sleeves. http://t.co/Hj1DeMUe

12:37 PM
Got a butt ton of work done on my Guy Fieri fashion line last night. 2 shirts drawn! Really proud of 'em. Could be a runway sensation.

12:56 PM
Can't believe we don't have half days today and tomorrow. When are we supposed to prepare? I got dips and crap to make. So disrespectful.

12:58 PM
If I was in charge, we'd get a whole week off for Memorial Day. It'd be Memorial WEEK. Why? 'Cause people DIED for us, that's why.

01:02 PM
Thanksgiving is Thursday-Sunday. FOUR days for something so long ago, no one is sure what really happened. Dead USA soldiers? 3. It's wrong.

01:12 PM
Might get a petition goin' for us to have the day off tomorrow. Really get in everyone's face. Force 'em to sign. It's for freedom.

01:49 PM
Gonna go around with my petition. Says, "Sign For Friday Freedom or Hit The Bricks To China." Really says it all.

01:55 PM
This the USA, and if someone doesn't like how we do things around here, you MAKE 'em like it. That's what freedom is all about.

Fri May 25 2012

10:28 AM
No one wanted to sign my petition to have today off. Buncha dirty commies. So, here we are. AT WORK. Sick of this.

10:30 AM
I was the only one to sign my petition. turned it in anyway. Nosey said, "this isn't a petition, it's a note from you to have the day off."

10:33 AM
Was so steamed. Went home last night and drank a 12 pack of those High Lifes for the vetrens. Gotta due my part for the red white & blue.

10:37 AM
Drinkin' High Lifes for the vetrens is the ultimate sacrifice. Really hurtin' today. Been blowin' up the john like WWII.

10:39 AM
Nothin' is free in this world. You might save money on value beer like High Life. But the next day, you'll be payin' out the ass.

10:47 AM
Goin' to take a snooze in the john. AND I'm bringin' Cheetos. Nothin' says freedom like sittin' on the toilet, eatin' Cheetos, you guys.

01:56 PM
Headin' to Cold One City. Memorial Day Weekend, 2012, let's roll, you guys.

Sat May 26 2012

11:54 AM
Late start today. Was too pumped for Indy to sleep. Kept it rockin' in Cold One City. Before you do a job, you get the job done, you guys.

11:57 AM
Packin' up the 'Bring for the road. 2 dirty 30s of Busch for sharin' & sprayin', BL 'Nums, BL Margs, Crown & Diet, plenty of ice,...

11:59 AM
...chips 'n dip, Koegels, and my special Captain Karl's Bratato Salad. The works, really. Full spread.

12:01 PM
Captain Karl's Bratato Salad starts with my own homemade 'Tato Salad. Plenty of mustard and hard cooked egg. It's so money.

12:08 PM
But, Captain Karl's Bratato Salad goes bonkers when I add in sliced Cheddarwursts. The best of both worlds, colliding in a flavor explosion

12:11 PM
Can't wait to get to Indy and set up shop. Bet the babes'll go nuts for my Bratato Salad. Might be a "show yer beefers for a bowl" situaish?

12:18 PM
Don't have a hotel for the night, but Dave says he knows a spot. Gonna need to take it easy tonight. Makin' a Thermos of G&T roadies.

12:29 PM
Made a MEAN Seger mix for the drive. When you're blarin' Seger and drinkin' G&Ts, man, the miles just fly by. Bob is my co-pilot, you guys.

12:37 PM
Me and Dave are gonna grunt out premies and hit the road. Safety first. Gentlemen, start your engines! It's time, to get it on.

Mon May 28 2012

10:13 AM
Just got home from Indy. Really hurtin'. Had such a blast. Dave thinks his arm might be broken. Can't deal right now. Gotta catch some z's.

10:18 AM
RIP Peanut. Never forget. A true patriot and street soldier. He gave the ultimate sacrifice, you guys.

Tue May 29 2012

11:32 AM
Really hurtin' today. Coulda used an extra day off to rest up. Work doesn't understand how productivity works. I like to be at 100%.

11:45 AM
Just caught up with my man Ken in the john. Asked him how his weekend was. Didn't answer. Just coughed. Must be backed up. Guy code.

11:46 AM
Told Ken all about my trip to Indy. When you're gruntin' on a stiff one, sometimes a good story helps loosin' up the situaish, guy to guy.

11:51 AM
The drive started out rockin' on Saturday. Seger, G&T's, checkin' out Timehouse. Then Dave got a "roader." Got real quiet for a while.

11:57 AM
When you're on a car trip, it's natural to get a "roader." Driven drifts the mind to thoughts of carnal passions. We've all been there.

11:59 AM
If you get a roader, just place the adult mag over your business area until it goes away. Never fiddle with it. It's bad manners, you guys.

12:03 PM
When we got to Indy, Dave didn't read the map right. Circled the city 3 times. Alot of bad language was used. Car smelled like a barnyard.

12:08 PM
The hotel "spot" Dave said he knew about was all booked. It's was just a Comfort Inn he heard had "free hot breakfast" on TV. Idiot.

12:13 PM
Slept in the 'Bring in the Comfort Inn parking lot. Travel tip: They never say "free hot breakfast" is only for if you stay "inside."

12:27 PM
Snuck in for the free hot breakfast and to use the pool for bathin' in the mornin'. Gotta recommend the Comfort Inn parkin' lot accomodaish.

12:32 PM
Got to Indy a little later than expected. Wasn't really any good spots left. Plus, we kinda forgot to bring chairs or a table or a blanket.

12:36 PM
Was exhausted from draggin' around the coolers and dirty 30s. All the ice melted. Decided to just post up on the ground, kimosabe style.

12:40 PM
Barely got out my Bratato salad and some babe stepped in it. Told her, "it's cool, let's see them chest beefers." Dumped a beer on Dave. Ha!

12:43 PM
Me and Dave decided to do some shots of Crown to be loose and conversational. Dave puked up his third one. He's bad at talkin'.

12:49 PM
Told Dave I was goin' on a babe hunt and to watch our stash. When it comes to peepin' babes, I scope nothin' but premium, consensual gals.

01:04 PM
When I got back, Dave was standin' on someone's table, throwin' our cold ones out like Stone Cold. So wasteful. It was my idea to do that.

01:06 PM
Tried to climb up on the table to stop Dave. Show 'em how Captain Karl does things. Everyone (and babes) was really into it. ME, not Dave.

01:09 PM
Started crashin' cold ones into each other and poundin' 'em like Stone Cold. I got the moves down from practicin'. Dave tried to copy me.

01:13 PM
Got real steamed at Dave for bein' in my spotlight. Tried to stun him. Kinda botched it. Crashed hard on some corncob with a buncha steaks.

01:17 PM
The corncob really blew his top. Started screamin', "MY STEAKS! MY STEAKS!" It was an accident that was Dave's fault, obviously.

01:48 PM
Plus, everyone was goin' wild for it. Told him not to be so selfish. His wife started yellin' at him. And Dave wasn't gettin' up.

01:50 PM
Dave kept sayin' that his arm was broken. Told him ice it but he just ran off to a porta john. Not really a place for medical attention.

01:53 PM
Wanted to stay and party with my fans. Started poundin' Crown with some dude named, Dusty. Told him we should see if Guy Fieri was around.

01:56 PM
I got peeled in the back of the head with a cold one. It seemed good natured though. Played it cool. Dusty said, "Holy sh*t." Little blood.

01:57 PM
Told Dusty to watch my celebraish spread and I'd go get Guy to kick up the bold flavors. He seemed confused. Gave him the "wink and point."

01:59 PM
Guess I got a little overheated. Forgot sunscreen. Woke up in the middle of chaos, and had an accident. Might have been whizzed on though?

02:07 PM
Pretty sure I partied with some babes after I woke up with wet pants. Don't remember much, but that's usually how I roll, so I gotta assume.

02:08 PM
Found Dave by the 'Bring with his "broken arm" (still up for debate). Went back to The Comfort Inn parkin' lot for some r&r. Had a blast.

02:11 PM
Ken finally came out of the stall. He said, "Karl, you're just..." then trailed off. Probably jealous of my celebraish. Ha!

02:16 PM
If you go for a road trip on an American holiday weekend and don't come home in serious pain with dried pee pants, why even leave the house?

Wed May 30 2012

10:32 AM
Hardly got any sleep last night. Dave kept gettin' up to moan & groan 'cause he "thinks" his arm is "broken." Wouldn't you "know?"

10:39 AM
If Dave was in better shape he'd be fine. It was just a Stone Cold Stunner. Happens. It's a man's duty to be ready for anything physically.

10:49 AM
Got 3 Beefy 'Cho Bureets from The Bell. Went down so smooth. Wonder why they didn't put D'reets in 'em? Could been even bolder.

10:52 AM
I been crushin' up D'reets on my dogs, tacs, hamburgs, and anything really, for years. The Bell should know they didn't "invent" anything.

10:54 AM
If I worked at The Bell, I'd call it, "The Beefer D'reet Bureet" and sell like a million in 5 minutes. But, no one asked me. Their loss.

10:58 AM
Puttin' Cheetos on anything is mine. If that corncob bank manager woulda gave me the loan for Captain Karl's Pizza Ship, I'd be wealthy.

11:02 AM
No one ever listens to me. Sick of this. When it comes to power moves in eats, fashion, babes, and booze, I'm the man. I just need a break.

11:06 AM
I gotta really focus on my Guy Fieri fashion line again. Could be big. Then I'd tell work to pucker up for my ass like it's their Grandma.

12:01 PM
In America, the key to success is, always be workin' harder to get out of your job, than you're supposed to be workin' at it, you guys.

12:06 PM
Goin' to draw some more Guy Fieri fashions in my car. You don't chase a dream. You hunt it down, wait for your shot, and pull the trigger.

Thu May 31 2012

11:00 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

01:23 PM
Dave's really milkin' this whole "broken arm" thing. Hogged the couch all night, eatin' hot dog buns like breadsticks. No class.

01:49 PM
Dave said, "When I'm hurtin', I just like a nice, plain, 8 pack of hot dog buns. Soft food is more nourishing." Idiot.

01:52 PM
Told Dave he should go to the hospital if his arm is "broken." He said, "I don't got health insurance. Gonna tough it out, cowboy style."

01:56 PM
And, Dave's been usin' my best Tabasco tie for a sling. What if I have an important event?! So inconsiderate. Somethin' could come up.

02:12 PM
Told Dave to go to the free clinic if insurance was an issue. Said he "can't 'cause you can get an STD there from the john." Good point.

02:18 PM
Dave said a pal went to the free clinic for a smashed finger, BM'd in the john, his business touched the seat, now his peener feels on fire.

02:20 PM
In a government owned building, you don't take a BM without a proper man's nest. That's straight outta the john rule book, you guys.

02:25 PM
Never trusted the public toilet seat covers. I need a piled high TP man's nest. My backdoor, peener & veggies deserve the finest protection.

06:28 PM
Dave won't shut his mouth about his "broken arm." Sick of this. I'm tryin' to relax in Cold One City, not in Wussville, population: Dave.

06:32 PM
"I'm Dave. You broke my arm. Get me Taco Bell? My arm hurts. Oh god, my arm. FARRRT. Get me a cold one? Open my cold one..." That's Dave.

06:50 PM
So steamed. If I wanted to hear this much whining, I'd take my son to Chili's and make him eat somethin' off the adult menu. Never again.

06:52 PM
Takin' my cold ones, goin' to sit in the 'Bring. Get some peace and quiet. So sick of this.

Fri Jun 01 2012

01:31 AM
Just woke up in the 'Bring. Fell asleep to the sweet sounds of my Mean Seger Mix. Man, there's just somethin' 'bout passin' out...

01:34 AM
...in an American made automobile, and wakin' up covered in the sweet dew of your own breath, your back achin' for forgiveness,...

01:40 AM
...and hearin' the sounds of a summer rain pourin' like tears of freedom on your soft top, to make you thank the big man...

01:42 AM
...for a warm bed to climb into in the USA. Can't appreciate the darkness without the sunshine, you guys.

01:44 AM
Gonna take a late night BM and hit the sack.

01:57 AM
Or is it, "Can't appreciate the sunshine without the darkness?" Now I'm wide awake. Gonna make some Triscuits & mayo. Always hits the spot.

11:32 AM
"Friday, feel the noize! Babes, rock yer boys! We'll get wild, wild, wild! Wild, wild, wild!" Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:38 AM
That's a tribute to my main man, Kevin DuBrow. He's dead now, but will always be one of the best, rockin forever. We should all be so lucky.

11:54 AM
Feelin' pretty good today for sleepin' most of the night in my car. Might have to do that more often. Real peaceful. It's like auto camping.

02:07 PM
Just had a stink & think. If Dave's gonna hold on to his bullcrap "broken arm" story, we gotta make a cast. Cast = motherly babes.

02:12 PM
After Dave draws 'em in for the sympathy, the babes'll say, "Who's your friend?" And that friend, is me, Captain Clean-up, Karl Welzein.

02:16 PM
Gals might give out the huggins to an injured man, but when it's last call, they're lookin' for a macho bad boy for all night long lovins.

02:32 PM
When some load can't fulfill a babe's needs due to an injury or his appearance, a real bad boy steps in to satisfy those carnal desires.

02:57 PM
Gettin' outta here. Gotta make Dave look crippled. Then, take me down to Cold One City, where the 'Nums are smooth and the babe's are money.

Sat Jun 02 2012

11:42 AM
Really hurtin'. Got a case of Miller Lite (on sale) last night. Cans are made for shotgunnin'! You get to the best part fast; the bottom.

11:48 AM
Miller Lite says their new can is for smoothness. They can't say "shotgunnin'?" C'mon, we're all adults here. I call 'em Miller 12 Gauges.

11:50 AM
When a brand of cold ones comes out with somethin that makes you drink 'em double fast, it's 'cause they don't want you to notice it's crap.

11:56 AM
I'll pick up some Miler Lite if it's on sale. But if you order a Miller Lite at a bar, and you're a guy, you better have a 3 ft peener.

11:59 AM
Miller Lite is only ok for real men to drink in the privacy of their own home, and as fast as possible, you guys.

12:12 PM
Musta crushed about 18 Miller 12 Gauges last night. Can't get 'em in fast enough to get the job done. Bet Stone Cold could drink a thousand.

12:18 PM
Was so busy rippin' 12 Gauges, hardly had time to make Dave's cripple cast. Used paper towels and Crest. Kind of a mess, but looks badass.

12:31 PM
Dave's cast wouldn't dry fast enough so we couldn't cruise for Florence Nightinbabes. Headin' out tonight though, for sympathetic passions.

12:35 PM
Goin' for another case of Miller 12 Gauges (for AT HOME). If I start shotgunnin em now, I should be loose and conversational in about 4 hrs.

12:44 PM
Miller Lite 12 Gauges: "Just shotgun our girl beer in ya as fast as possible so you can drink more than the dozen it takes to feel boozed."

04:57 PM
Dave thinks his Crest & paper towel arm cast smells too minty. Idiot. Smellin like 'paste shows a babe you're fresh, and ready for a 1 on 1.

05:06 PM
Really tearin' through these Miller Lite 12 Gauges. Crankin' some Seger. Gettin' pumped for some night moves! Heavy 'logne, to-night.

05:10 PM
If you don't like shotgunnin' cold ones and blastin' some Bob Seger in the early Saturday evenin', you probably like some stupid crap.

05:13 PM
If you're listenin' to Bob Seger in the USA, it don't matter where you're from. America is my hometown, you guys.

06:48 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Sun Jun 03 2012

01:20 PM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

01:33 PM
Hit up Paddy's with Dave, lookin' to get some carnal nuturing with his Crest & paper towel cast. Was pretty bombed on 12 Gauges.

01:36 PM
Dave wanted to park in the handicapped. Told him, a fake broken arm don't make you handicapped, a fake mirror tag does. Or a can't wait BM.

01:39 PM
If you got an angry stinky kickin' down your backdoor, it's ok to park in the handicapped 'cause you're physically not 100%. That's a law.

01:41 PM
Dave me drop him off and then park. So selfish. I was drunk. That's extra driving. More chances for an accident. He doesn't think.

01:49 PM
Soon as we got in the bar, Dave started sayin to babes, "I got a cast. I got in a fight." Stupid. You get a hot corner and wait for nature.

01:52 PM
Always wait for babes to make a 1st move. Approachin' them is a last ditch effort. Shows you don't care 'cause you probably get your share.

01:55 PM
Think guys like Kid Rock ask out babes? No. The babes sense the mad swag and just donate their carnal passions. That's how I operate.

02:02 PM
Had my hot corner blazin'. Took down 4 double Cocoa Tans. Had my lean on point. Necessary, but still on point. Dave was NOT on point.

02:06 PM
I TRIED to cool up Dave with a fake cast, and he's was just flailin' around in the middle of the bar to that "Let's Be Retarded" song.

02:24 PM
Hate that "Let's Be Retarded" song. So stupid. Saw those buffoons on a halftime show once. Jeez. Really awful. 'Cept for the healthy babe.

02:35 PM
Had to get out of my hot corner. Had to get it on. That "Drink In My Hand" song came on, I pounded my Cocoa Tan, and swerved into action.

02:37 PM
Smashed into a few patrons, had to get my sea legs after the hot corner, but then, it was on. Started throwin' moves like air hay makers.

02:38 PM
If you want babes to think you kickass, then kickass. Don't leave it up to the imagination they might not have, you guys.

02:40 PM
Kinda lost my footing. Think there was a bad spot on the floor. Crashed into Dave, and ripped his cast halfway off. He started screamin'.

02:43 PM
Dave yelled, "My broken arm! I need a babe to massage me STAT." So embarrassing. Who says, "STAT?" Get with the times. You say, "pronto."

02:45 PM
Don't remember much after that. Dave's still crashed out like a lazy bag of crap. Have to ask him after his "ugly rest."

Mon Jun 04 2012

12:50 PM
Finally rapped with Dave about what happened on Saturday. Guess I blacked out? Don't remember that either.

12:53 PM
Dave said I ripped the rest of his toothpaste cast off and said, "Bad boys don't NEED casts!" Then tore it to shreds in front of some babes.

12:56 PM
Guess I tried to order a quadruple Cocoa Tan and they said no, then I got steamed 'cause I wanted to save trips to the bar. Makes sense?

12:58 PM
If you can't walk very well and might be blacked out, it's polite to order bigger, stronger drinks so you don't disturb others at the bar.

01:00 PM
I have manners. I know when it's time to play the wall real cool 'cause my body's shuttin down. If a babe's interested, she'll get at me.

01:04 PM
Dave said I kept scream singin' the "Drink In My Hand" song even when it wasn't on. Wish it got taped! Babes love a strong loud & proud guy.

01:09 PM
Guess I took my shirt off and they asked me to leave. Doesn't sound right. Seems like the opposite would happen. Especially late night.

01:15 PM
Dave said I drove to Taco Bell, then got in a fight in the drive-thru 'cause they never heard of Beefer D'reet Burreets. Understandable.

01:20 PM
If Taco Bell wants to stay open late, they should smash together WHATEVER you want, shut up, and take your money. I got no time for games.

01:23 PM
Guess I got all up in the Taco Bell drive-thru guy's face and demanded 40 sauce packets if they wouldn't make what I wanted. Power move.

01:25 PM
What Taco Bell doesn't WANT you to know, is if you have Taco Bell hot sauce, you can make anything into Taco Bell. It's their dirty secret.

01:28 PM
I made that corncob gimme a nice bag of Taco Bell sauce packets. Been eatin' it on 'tato chips all day. Taco Bell 'tato chips. Real custom.

03:32 PM
Got home and Dave's just walkin' around normal like his arm's not broken anymore. Knew he was lying. Just wanted to make me feel bad.

03:35 PM
Asked Dave, "I though your arm was broken?" He said, "Oh. I forgot. You get any cold ones?" Forgot?! You don't just forget a broken arm!

04:01 PM
Dave's such a stupid liar. If you're gonna lie, you gotta take it to the grave. That's the smart way. Let it die with you, like priests do.

04:06 PM
When priests dies, all their lies are forgiven, so they don't have to tell the truth to church people. Why I just go direct to the Big Man.

04:13 PM
When it comes to prayin, I don't need no go between. Showboatin just cancels out your secret wishes. Goin' have a talk with God in the john.

Tue Jun 05 2012

11:51 AM
Was thinkin', maybe I should settle down for a little summertime romance? Take a break from the playboy lifestyle and give a babe all I got.

11:54 AM
When it comes to cruisin' for babes, I'm the big dog. That's never disputed. But might be nice to really dig in, mentally AND carnally.

11:59 AM
Even bad boys like Kid Rock settle down here and there. Heard he broke it off with Pam Anderson though. Man, she was SMOKIN hot hot hot.

12:02 PM
It just goes to show you, if Kid Rock can't even stand Pam Anderson after a while, you gotta know a babe's clock, and when to punch out.

01:52 PM
Decided to take the plunge and put up an ad in Craigslist. Now, just gonna watch the babes pile high. Turned out money. http://t.co/QEzFZRht

Wed Jun 06 2012

11:41 AM
Checked my e-mail on the computer for my Craigslist Summer Romance ad. Not very good at email yet. Gotta keep practicin'. It's important.

11:44 AM
Bein' good at the computer is important nowadays. For your job, erotic meet ups, entertainment, research, news, everything really.

11:47 AM
Ann always said I stunk it up on the computer. Made us share an AOL account. Think she just wanted to be in my business. It was bullcrap.

11:49 AM
If you're in a relationship, and share an e-mail account, you can pretty much kiss your computer fantasies goodbye, you guys.

11:53 AM
Once, Ken sent me a guy humor joke on the computer bout a babe with a peener. Ann saw it. Wouldn't talk to me for 3 days. Said I was "sick."

11:56 AM
Babes don't understand that guys need their own private computer use. It can be a carnal outlet that keeps relationships strong.

11:59 AM
The computer is also a place where 2 men can have a secret guy to guy behind the scenes. Sometimes you have to keep it hush hush. Guys only.

12:03 PM
Since Ann's been out of the picture, I've been gettin' great at all kinds of computer crap. I can use sites with mad swag. Even buy stuff.

12:14 PM
Got a lotta weird responses to my Craigslist ad. Hard to sift through 'em. Some are dudes. Thought I said M for W? Even double checked.

12:18 PM
When lookin' for romance, you gotta be careful you don't get into a guy on guy carnal situaish unless it's your thing. I dig babes.

12:22 PM
Dave's steamed that I'm tryin' to get a summer 1 on 1 babe. Said, "I thought we were gonna cruise Top Gun style!" Goose dies, Dave. Idiot.

04:31 PM
Dave won't shut his mouth about bein' left out of the summer romance computer babe hunt. Says he wants me to make him an ad. Sick of this.

04:34 PM
Dave's in terrible shape, poor, and an idiot. Told him no babes would be interested, computer dating is competitive. Now he's all steamed.

06:13 PM
Dave said I won't make him a Craigslist romance ad cause I'm threatened. I just don't want him disappointin babes. Gotta respect the ladies.

Thu Jun 07 2012

11:04 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:33 AM
When I left the pad this mornin, Dave was just layin' on the couch with a blank stare. Might be sad I called him a fat, poor, no babe idiot.

11:36 AM
Told Dave he needs to exercise. Do some 'shups. Never understood why guys aren't in shape. Everyone has the ground. Only gym you need.

11:39 AM
There's always ads on for these fancy new workouts. Makes me real steamed. Just do some 'shups, Jane Fonda. Be a man.

11:46 AM
I do 'shups all the time. That's why my arms are beefy and attractive. And when they glisten with sweat? Man, they're so money.

11:50 AM
My workout routine: 1. Look at a pic of Stone Cold Steve Austin. 2. Do 'shups 'til you look like the Rattlesnake. 3. Cut off your sleeves.

11:52 AM
4. Somebody gimme an AWE HELL YEAH! Done.

12:01 PM
If Stone Cold got in lazy guys' faces every mornin', spit beer in their face and called 'em a piece of trash, America would be unstoppable.

12:09 PM
The USA wouldn't have as many problems if we operated according to Austin 3:16, you guys.

12:13 PM
And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Karl Welzein said so.

Fri Jun 08 2012

12:21 PM
KARL 3:16 says it's time for Friday to whoop yer ass, you guys!

12:23 PM
Nosey Lady asked why I was watchin' this: http://t.co/foIV26yI Said, "Why would I NOT be, ya piece of trash." Think she's steamed.

12:26 PM
Might get some black boots to wear with my jean shorts like Stone Cold instead of my Tevas. That's definitely the move. So badass.

12:37 PM
Wearin' boots with jean shorts says, "I like to keep cool, but I'm ready if the action gets hot."

12:50 PM
Dave's still steamed about me not puttin' up a Craigslist romance ad up for him. He's takin' drastic measures involvin' my BM schedule.

12:52 PM
Last night, when it was time for my 10pm BM, I thought Dave was in the shower, which is odd at any time of day. He's such a grossout.

12:56 PM
After a half hour, I had to get it on in the BM department, no questions. Decided Dave'd have to just deal with a brown shower steamer.

01:01 PM
Dave locked the door to the john, that I just fixed (with tools). Started poundin' on it. Screamin', "PLEASE DAVE! 'MERGENCY!"

01:04 PM
I had to make stinky like never before. Had to get it on, pronto. So I kicked the john door in. He left me no choice but destruction.

01:13 PM
Dave wasn't even in the john. Just turned on the shower, locked the door, shut it, and left. He knows my squat schedule. Did it on purpose.

01:19 PM
I coulda just popped the john lock with a coat hanger, but when you got an angry #2 at your backside, kickin' a door down is option #1.

01:24 PM
There's 2 things you don't mess with: the USA, and another man's right to take a massive stinky. Both have harsh consequences, you guys.

01:27 PM
When Dave came home, I played it cool. He asked why the john door was destroyed again. Told him, "f*ck it." Learned that from Crazy Cooter.

01:30 PM
Crazy Cooter is a piece of garbage, but when it comes to profane, irrational explanations of why you destroyed your property, he's on point.

07:24 PM
Told Dave, "I got a celebraish to go to, and the invite said, 10pm-? That's how you know it's real adults only, and anything could happen."

07:26 PM
I really didn't get an invite, I just want Dave to feel left out for screwin' with my toilet time. It's dangerous, I coulda had a rupture.

07:29 PM
Headin' out to see where the night moves take me. Been a while since I rocked it solo. I don't need a wingman when Bob is my co-pilot.

Sat Jun 09 2012

12:24 PM
Guess I slept in my car last night. Don't remember. Just figured 'cause I woke up there.

12:27 PM
Told Dave, I was ragin' all night at the celebraish, and there were chest beefers from coast to coast. All ripe, and ready for pickin'.

12:29 PM
I mean, blackin' out in the Chili's parkin' lot is cool, but tellin' Dave I was juicin' fresh chest beefers really destroyed his soul.

12:31 PM
Daves asked how many beefers I got the feel for. Told him, "All of 'em." "Cause that'd be true if there was an actual celebraish.

12:33 PM
Think Dave might be cryin' in his room now. Feel kinda bad. Maybe shouldn't of told him I got ALL the chest beefers. Too harsh?

12:35 PM
Might go get some BL 'Nums. Help Dave with his Craigslist ad. He seems pretty broken. If he killed himself it'd really ruin my day.

12:38 PM
Most babes probably wouldn't be interested in Dave, but who knows? Maybe he could score a grossout. After all, trash does go in the garbage.

12:46 PM
I just want to be a good person, and if crushin' a pal's soul, just to build it back up is the chore, then you get the job done, you guys.

Sun Jun 10 2012

03:00 AM
Had a real good nisdgth wiht dave. man, jsur realy aired irt out. guy to guu. gotta hit the sackc yuo guys.

11:18 AM
Really hurtin today. Need Gatorpagne. 50% champagne and 50% Gatorade is 100% the only thing to make the "gonna die" feelin' hit the bricks.

Mon Jun 11 2012

12:41 PM
Spent all mornin' puttin' up Dave's Craigslist ad for him. Hope this shuts him up. Turned out pretty rockin'. http://t.co/apkLYaOu

01:41 PM
Told Dave his ad for romance is up but not to expect anything. He's super pumped. Says we should have a celebraish, his treat. I'm down.

01:47 PM
Dave says he's makin' his famous, "Sloppy Dave's" for supper. Wonder where they're famous? He's never made anything but MY Pizza Rolls.

02:45 PM
Gonna be nice to come home to a meal. Miss it sometimes. Always felt loved for a few minutes before my fam started makin' fun of me.

02:47 PM
Don't think I remember a family meal where my daughters or Ann didn't make fun of my weight or BM breaks or clothes. Always hurt.

02:49 PM
After a hard day, I don't need to come home to a fam that treats me like a punchin' bag of crap. So now I don't, and I'm cooler than ever.

02:50 PM
Gettin' outta here. Maybe give Dave a hand in the kitchen over a few cold ones, guy to guy.

Tue Jun 12 2012

12:09 PM
Had a rockin celebraish with Dave last night. BL 'Nums were goin down so smooth. Chips n Dip. Sloppy Dave's. The works, really. Full spread.

12:19 PM
Sloppy Dave's are pretty much just Joe's with a bunch of Frank's in the mix, and cool blue cheese for dippin'. Actually almost money?

12:22 PM
If he let me add in my own secret herbs & spices, Sloppy Dave's could be on the Captain Karl's Pizza Ship menu. Cheetos optional of course.

12:26 PM
Feel like me and Dave had a real guy to guy connection last night. Really opened things wide open. Friendship is important, you guys.

12:45 PM
Feel like Dave really showed me somethin' with his Sloppy Dave's recipe. Like he could evolve and actually learn. Never thought of that?

12:47 PM
'Course Dave threw up in the sink after a about dozen BL 'Nums. Still some problems with his wiring. Kinda comfortin'.

12:50 PM
All men are equal when they're pukin' up ground beef & booze in the sink on a Monday night, you guys.

Wed Jun 13 2012

11:42 AM
Wonder what Ann & the kids have planned for Dad's Day? Kinda blew it last year. This might be the last chance before I hit the bricks.

11:54 AM
The fam owes me big this year for all my years of service. Maybe somethin' cool like an engraved watch?

12:03 PM
'Cause once I sign those divorce papers, it's adios. Dad's Day'll be just another day for them instead of a rockin' celebraish.

01:53 PM
Made a "hint hint" Dad's Day list for Ann & the kids. Don't wanna get a buncha stupid crap. Gotta take advantage. http://t.co/oAJlErDw

01:58 PM
Haven't really been in touch with the fam. They don't know my new tastes. Gotta shove it in their face with my wish list. Sendin' it over.

02:09 PM
Told Ann, "Don't be afraid to go all out for Dad's Day. Could be the last one before we're DONE. Show some class, babe." Power move.

03:25 PM
Can't stop thinkin' 'bout my Dad's Day wish list. Man, I pick out great gifts.

03:35 PM
Nothin' says you're the #1 bad boy partier in town like a new chainsaw and a Margaritaville booze maker, you guys.

03:43 PM
Shouldn't ever buy yourself a chainsaw. Looks suspicious if there's an accident. If it a was a gift you just say, "Officer, it was a gift."

04:53 PM
Showed Dave my Dad's Day wish list. He said, "Whoa, wish I was a Dad." No, no you don't, Dave. No one who is, actually does.

04:57 PM
Told Dave, bein' a Dad isn't like on tv. In real life, everyone thinks you're a corncob, no matter how hard you rock. It's pretty unfair.

05:05 PM
Those kids woulda never hung out with Tim Tool Man in real life. They'd say, "Daddy, you stink." then go read a stupid book in their room.

05:26 PM
Dad's Day gifts are pretty much a yearly family apology. "Here ya go. Sorry we're holdin' you back from bein' a man."

Thu Jun 14 2012

11:24 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:58 PM
Wonder what goodies Ann & the kids got from my wish list? Added a new item. So money. http://t.co/n8UFHfek

01:03 PM
Man, people at work would flip if I showed up with the Xplod boombox. Rockin' out, Vernon doin' breakdance moves. DJ K-Money in the house!

01:06 PM
"Comin atcha live on your Thursday with the Captain, rockin' out with another 5 in a row. Here's Van Halen, on WLZN." Could give away tee's?

01:14 PM
Gonna ask Nosey Lady if I can DJ at work. Maybe just Thurs-Fri? Really take us into the weekend. People work better when they're jammin'.

01:25 PM
Nosey Lady said that music could be "invasive." So stupid. Who's not gonna be able to focus when I'm meltin' their face with Stranglehold?!

01:34 PM
Told Nosey Lady, "But NO ONE does ANYTHING on Thursday or Friday. With me playin' the hot jams, people might not wanna die bein' here."

01:35 PM
Only people who don't wanna rock out and drink cold ones at work are the people in charge. Shows you don't have to be smart to get ahead.

01:38 PM
All the guys on that advertising show drink booze all day, and they were rich. Sometimes it feels like the country moves backwards.

01:42 PM
Only saw that Mad Man show once or twice. Just for the red haired babe's chest beefers. Should just be on the whole time. Could be a hit.

01:51 PM
Ann liked Mad Man. Don't get it 'cept for the beefers. The guy gets babes, boozes at work, and's still steamed? Makes no sense. Bad writing.

01:54 PM
Gonna buy that Xplod boombox if Ann already loaded up on my goodies. Screw Nosey Lady. Bringin' it to work anyway. Maybe just for the john?

01:57 PM
Really hopin' for that chainsaw. When you're a goin' through a messy breakup, givin' someone a farewell chainsaw shows trust, you guys.

Fri Jun 15 2012

12:44 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Stashed some cold ones in the john. Crankin' some Uncle Kracker & Kid Rock on my walkman. http://t.co/nl3zL1pL

12:45 PM
Damn, it feels good to be me.

12:54 PM
Havin' a real "could really give 2 craps" kinda day. I'm usually all business, but today's all about drinkin' cold ones on the toilet.

01:13 PM
If you're a dad, you shouldn't have to do nothin today. If somebody at work gives you crap, tell 'em, "I made the future, so shove it."

01:19 PM
Dad's Day weekend shouldn't be just Sunday. A real weekend is a 3 day celebraish. Gotta take advantage. I made LIFE with my peener.

01:32 PM
Kinda buzzed. Ken walked in the john. Accidentally dropped a beer bottle. Don't think he noticed. Just said, "Karl?" Told him, "occupied."

01:35 PM
Outta cold ones. Goin to get into some trunk liquor. Put the top down. Crank some Bob. Earned this with frustration. Time to cash the check.

01:43 PM
Gotta tell work to kiss your ass sometimes, and get away with everything you can. Don't slave for the dollar. Life won't wait for you. USA.

01:49 PM
Screw this. Goin' to drink in the parkin' lot. And I ain't comin' back. Captain Karl, President and CEO of Bad Boy City, you guys.

Sat Jun 16 2012

01:55 PM
Really hurtin'. Ann hasn't gotten back to me 'bout Dad's Day. Must be big. Gonna head to Cold One City. Play it cool.

Sun Jun 17 2012

12:26 PM
Still no word from Ann. Wonder what the plan is?

12:32 PM
Happy Dad's Day, you guys. Gotta raise a cold one to let the world know we've had carnal passions, all the way. (wink)

12:44 PM
Hope Ann got my wish list. Kinda worried. Gotta check and make sure it sent. Coulda went in her trash mail? Gonna send it again.

01:01 PM
Maybe Ann's phone isn't workin'? Might just cruise over. Told Dave he could come with. Really shove my gifts and glory in his face.

01:18 PM
Last year, I forgot that Ann told me earlier in the week to come over. Wonder if that happened again? I need to write things down.

01:19 PM
It was a disaster. Road Dave's 10-Speed to Ann's. Chafed my crotch raw from my sweaty jean shorts. Wiped out bad. Never forget.

01:21 PM
Screw it. Goin' to Ann's with Dave. Bringin' a couple dirty 30s and some Cheddarwursts just in case. Sick of waitin'. This is MY day.

Mon Jun 18 2012

11:43 AM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

11:49 AM
Can't believe they make Dads go to work on Monday after a day that they're expected to blackout from booze. Pretty unfair.

11:53 AM
Went to Ann's last night with the dirty 30s. She wasn't even home. Was pretty steamed. Decided to rock it out anyway, buddy system style.

11:55 AM
Thought maybe Ann was runnin' late, out buyin' cold ones and goodies. She never showed. So thoughtless, even for her.

12:10 PM
After a few casual shotguns, me & Dave got a case of the "hungry / need to craps." Didn't have a key. Dave said Cooter could pick the lock.

12:13 PM
Shouldn't have ever called Crazy Cooter. We were desperate. It was Ann's fault. She should have been slavin' over me!

12:17 PM
Crazy Cooter showed up with a handle of Jim Beam, half gone. Said he lost the cap and needed to drink it so it didn't go bad. Made sense?

12:28 PM
Cooter tried to "pick" the lock for 10 seconds with a buck knife, then just smashed a window. Cut his hand. Used some bad language.

12:31 PM
Cooter said he'd "fix the f@ckin' window and don't be givin' him that look after he drove over and helped!" Had a point.

12:36 PM
Cooter wrapped his bloody hand in one of the "guests only" towels. Told him not to. Said, "what, I'm a f@ckin' guest!" Air tight argument.

12:42 PM
Tried to make the most of the situaish. Started up the grill. Threw on some Lunchables. Nothin' else in the house. Didn't work out so well.

12:50 PM
Told Cooter I was bummin' 'cause my Dad's Day celebraish wasn't rockin.' Said, "shit, you're a Dad too? Drink up! Jimmer motherf@cker!"

12:54 PM
Guess Cooter has a couple kids he "don't see no more." Man, had a real nice talk, guy to guy. Guess we polished off the Beam, toastin to us.

12:58 PM
I kinda passed out in a deck chair. Deserved a nice Dad's Day snooze. Woke up around 4am to Cooter grillin' all Ann's underpants.

01:02 PM
Asked Cooter what he was doin?! Said, "grillin' panties." Had a weird look on his face. You have to pick your battles. Passed on that one.

01:08 PM
Tried to find Dave. Found him nude (?) in Ann's bed. Clogged her john pretty bad. Really destroyed the toilet mat. Had to hit the bricks.

01:13 PM
Told Cooter we had to split. Said, "You're f@ckin' kickin' me out?!" Got in his car. Did a burn out on the lawn. Pretty disrespectful.

01:20 PM
Didn't have time to tidy up. If a man 'causes some light damage to your ex's house on Dad's Day, it's not your problem. Free pass.

01:22 PM
So steamed Ann didn't get me any gifts. Gonna try to cool off. Callin' her later with a big piece of my mind. Sick of this.

Tue Jun 19 2012

11:43 AM
Rapped with Dave last night 'bout what happened when I "took a snooze" after my dad to dad Jim Beam pound session convo with Crazy Cooter.

11:45 AM
Dave said he got starvin' and ate all the Lunchables we tried to grill. Got a "bad bite" and had to grunt, pronto. Barely made it.

11:49 AM
Dave said he came outta the john in the nude 'cause he has clog situaish. Toilet overflow caught his sweats. Was gonna borrow some from Ann.

11:53 AM
Cooter was in Ann's room, diggin' through her undie drawer. Said, "Get the f@ck out Dave. I'm seein' if Karl's ol' slizz gots a vibe."

11:57 AM
Dave asked Cooter why? Cooter said, "What, you a f@g? If I find her vibe, you don't wanna smell that sh*t?" Kinda concerning.

12:00 PM
Dave said Cooter got all steamed he could't find her "vibe" and grabbed up all Ann's unders to "grill 'em up for wastin' his time."

12:02 PM
Dave said he didn't want any part of Ann's unders bein' grilled so he just crawled in her bed to wait it out. Passed out.

12:05 PM
Think Crazy Cooter might be a bad dude. Or maybe just needs some help, like a solid guy to guy? Had a good convo before he went maniac.

12:08 PM
Still haven't talked to Ann about my DELAYED gifts. Holdin' off. Not sure how much damage was caused to her place. Hopin' it'll blow over.

Wed Jun 20 2012

12:12 PM
Ann left 3 messages this mornin'. Not sure if she's steamed about the house or apologizin' for no gifts. Probably the gifts. Gonna ice her.

12:14 PM
If someone wants to apologize, you gotta make 'em work for it. Let 'em think they're dead to you first. Power move.

12:23 PM
Orderin the boombox AND the chainsaw. Shippin to Ann's. Gonna pick em up and say, "Oh, MY gifts arrived? How thoughtful." Shut her down.

12:26 PM
Found the Cheddarwursts from Sunday under my car seat. Hell yeah! Forgot about 'em. They're smoked and sealed, so they're still good.

12:28 PM
Only took down 6 Mango Habs for lunch (beach bod). These Cheddarwursts are the perfect protein boost to get through my afternoon.

12:33 PM
Food scientists say not to eat certain stuff that stayed out at room temp for too long. Car temp's different. Hot in the day, cool at night.

Thu Jun 21 2012

11:37 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:50 PM
Ate 3 of those Cheddarwursts yesterday that sat under my car seat for a few days. No problems. Think maybe "expiration dates" are a scam?

12:52 PM
When you really think about it, if food companies make you think you have to throw out food, you have to buy more. Makes sense in money.

12:54 PM
Don't usually have food go to waste. Clean plate club. But sometimes I forget somethin' in the back of the fridge for too long. No more.

12:56 PM
Got 3 more Cheddarwursts left. Perfect for snackin' in the john. Nothin' like toilet snackin' on a hot 'n gloomy day.

01:02 PM
If it looks like food, eat it! Think that fatso on the Travel show says that. Not a good gauge for grub though. He ate a dog butthole once.

01:05 PM
Don't get why someone'd fly across the world to eat crap like horse peener soup out of a dirt bowl. Eatin's just fine here in the USA.

01:08 PM
Saw one show where the fatso ate fruit that smelled like a dirty baby diaper. Some folks don't understand how to use the words, "no thanks."

01:11 PM
Dave thinks the Travel show fatso gets his guy jollies eatin' rotten trash in front of people. Makes sense. No other good reason he'd do it.

01:30 PM
No need to fly across the world for diarrhea. For me, "There's No Place Like The Neighborhood." Least 'Bee's has great taste and good value.

01:32 PM
Ann keeps callin'. Lots of "Please, I need to speak with you." Ignore. You had your chance on Dad's Day. See how YOU like it!

02:04 PM
"Gives ya diarrhea," don't mean it's "bad." A nice salad OR The Bell both'll make you blow it up. Can't live in fear & on white bread alone.

02:06 PM
DAMNIT! Stupid Ann keeps callin'. Turnin' my phone off. Sick of this. Goin' in the john for another sausage on the pot in peace.

Fri Jun 22 2012

12:03 PM
"But I'm not gone let 'em catch me, no. Not gone let 'em catch the Friday Rider." Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

12:07 PM
Ann kept callin' last night. Asked Dave to do me a hot solid. Had him answer the phone and tell her "I was away on business."

12:10 PM
Ann asked why I left my cell phone if I was away on business. Dave said, "Dunno, think it's pretty hush hush." Sounded pretty cool?

12:12 PM
Then I heard Dave say, "Yeah, he's never gone away on business before. No, I wouldn't believe it either. Yeah, he lies sometimes." Idiot.

12:14 PM
Guess Ann asked about "damage to the house." Dave said, "Wasn't us, 'cause everything looked A-OK when we were there." Wanted to choke him.

12:18 PM
Started makin' "cut your throat" signs at Dave. He just brushed me off and went in his room. Talked to Ann for 20 minutes! So steamed.

12:23 PM
When Dave came out of his room, I asked him what they talked about. Said, "Adult stuff. Life and love. Ann's pretty cool. She gets me."

12:27 PM
Dave said, "Don't worry, I told Ann that we didn't do no damage to the house, especially not to the john." Wanted to crush his face.

12:30 PM
Dave told Ann, "I think it might have been this guy named Crazy Cooter." He gave her his address and phone number. Kinda concerning.

12:34 PM
Told Dave, if Cooter finds out you ratted him out, he'll set us on fire or some crap, you idiot! He said, "Don't worry, she won't tell."

12:36 PM
Of course Ann'll tell! That's what she does! She tells and does whatever isn't cool! Ann isn't cool! She doesn't get the bad boy lifestyle!

12:38 PM
Locked the door and turned off my phone. Drank like a thousand beers. Thought Cooter'd be by with an axe all night. Didn't sleep.

12:40 PM
Told Dave if he wasn't dead after work today, we gotta get outta town. He said, "the beach?" Actually not a bad idea. Show off my bod.

12:54 PM
Told Dave we should camp. Stay off the grid. Hook up with some campfire babes in the sweet Michigan moonlight. He said he's down. It's on.

01:17 PM
Told Ken, might not see you for awhile. Spotted some heat around the corner. Gettin' outta town. Gave him a hug, guy to guy.

01:19 PM
Ken musta forget to put on 'rant today cause he pulled outta my guy to guy embrace real quick. Understandable. Everyone wants to be fresh.

01:21 PM
Ken didn't seem too concerned with my "possibly gettin' set on fire or murdered" situaish. He doesn't get the code of the streets.

01:27 PM
If a psychopath wants to kill you, just go to the beach with mad swag and check out some fannies. Gotta put life into perspective, you guys.

Mon Jun 25 2012

12:01 PM
Had such a blast this weekend. Got a rich, cocoa tan. Really settin' it off with my pink golf shirt. So money. Even Nosey Lady noticed!

12:20 PM
Went up to Ludington with Dave. Little bit of a drive, but figured we'd never run into Crazy Cooter there. Vacay should be terror free.

12:26 PM
Brought blankets, pillows, 3 dirty 30s of Busch, BL 'Nums, chips 'n dip, Cheddarwursts, burger meat, buns. The works, really. Full spread.

12:30 PM
Didn't bring a tent. If you wanna meet campfire babes, sleepin' all natural bad boy style on the ground says, "Open for visitors, 24/7."

12:46 PM
Made a couple new friends right away. Guy named Tim Dog and his lady, Amber. He just got outta jail, havin' a honeymoon celebraish.

12:52 PM
When you meet someone who just got done bein' locked up, man, that's the best time to make friends. They're down for good times.

12:56 PM
Tim Dog had on a REAL Daytona Beach Bike Week tee. Mighta been the coolest tee I'd ever seen. Don't think he ever took it off for 3 days.

01:05 PM
Coulda drank a thousand beers on Friday. Me and Dave kinda remember Tim Dog havin' Amber show us her chest beefers, but not sure. Hope so?

01:07 PM
In jail, chest beefers are rare, so it makes sense to share 'em with your pals when you get out. Jail gives a sense of community.

01:20 PM
Me and Dave were really hurtin' on Saturday mornin. Tim Dog said we could share his tent with Amber. Seemed kinda tight. Just hit the dirt.

01:27 PM
Dave left his flops too close to the fire. Got a little melty overnight. Only covered up half his foot the next day. Ha!

01:34 PM
Dave don't like to bathe in public places so I hit the showers with Tim Dog, guy to guy. Brought some cold ones.

01:36 PM
Drinkin' a few cold ones in the shower on vacay is the ultimate in decadent relaxation. It's how they do it in Europe.

01:38 PM
Had a blast with Tim Dog in the showers. Crackin' jokes, makin' gas and yellin' "who farted?!" Ha! Just some campground humor.

01:40 PM
Tim Dog yelled, "I'm gonna take a sh*t!" Laughed so hard I almost puked. Then he showed me it in his shower stall after. Kinda concerning?

01:42 PM
When someone gets outta jail, they might have a different sense of humor. It's important to be understanding 'bout a "BM in the shower" gag.

01:57 PM
Walkin' back from the shower, Tim Dog keep droppin' his towel in front of babes, sayin' "whoops!" Peener just out. Tried to play it cool.

01:59 PM
If you show a babe on the streets your peener, it's illegal. But by accident in a campground situaish is pretty understandable, you guys.

02:05 PM
Me & Dave decided to hit the beach. Peep some fannies. Show off my beach bod. Made a Faygo 3 Liter & Captain. Kinda of a tradition.

02:09 PM
Hit up 'Bee's for some take out. See how the locals do things. Eatin' 'Bee's on the beach is a real power move. Show's babes you have class.

02:10 PM
I got the Philly Burger. Piled high with grilled onions, sautÃ©ed peppers & mushrooms, and smothered in creamy cheese sauce. So on point.

02:13 PM
Dave got the 'Bee's Oriental Chicken Rollup. Think he was tryin' to show off to the waitress that he was "from the city." Idiot. Bad choice.

02:18 PM
When we got to the beach, Dave kept wantin' bites of my Philly Burg. 2 guys can't share a sammy on the beach Dave. Gives the wrong vibe.

02:24 PM
Took down all the 'Bee's and the Captain and Rock & Rye. Kinda passed out. Woke up to cocoa tan perfection. So money.

02:31 PM
Looked over and Dave was grossin' out some babes with his "surf moves." Had to show 'em how it's done, but my legs were asleep.

02:33 PM
Started throwin 'Bee's trash and the empty Faygo 3 Leet at Dave to get his attention. Hit a babe in the face. Got steamed. Was Dave's fault!

02:36 PM
Dave came back with the trash. Acted like he didn't know me and bein "tough." Threw some sand in his face. He ran screamin' in the water.

02:37 PM
Yelled to the babes, "Sorry 'bout the trash in the face. Just some bad boy stuff! Come over and let's get casual on my private blanket!"

02:38 PM
The babes took off. Guess Dave grossed 'em out too much. Headed back to camp.

03:24 PM
When we got back to campsite, Tim Dog and Amber really took my "help yourself to the dirty 30s" to the limit. Were pretty bombed.

03:27 PM
Tim Dog said, "Amber's a professional masseuse. She'll give you a tent rub down for 40 bucks." Dave borrowed 40 bucks pronto from me.

03:30 PM
Not my style to get a rub down. My bod keeps loose naturally. Plus, a babe could go wild with restrained unprofessional passions.

03:32 PM
After Dave's rub down. He went in the 'Bring and locked the door. Wouldn't look at anyone. Musta been intense. Glad I passed.

03:56 PM
Grabbed the BL 'Nums and decided to cruise for campfire babes. Did about 3 laps. Finally just posted up on some babes and played it cool.

03:58 PM
Musta leaned up against a tree by the babes for 2 hrs. Kept sayin', "Sup, babes?" Shoulda worn more 'logne.

04:00 PM
Woke up on ground in AM and the babes were gone. Was covered in half melted ice. All wet. So cold. Musta dumped a cooler and not seen me.

04:03 PM
Went back to the campsite and Tim Dog and Amber were leavin'. Exchanged addresses and phone numbers. Good people. Might keep in touch!

04:05 PM
Before he got in the car, Tim Dog said, "Hey Karl?" Then took off his Daytona Bike Week shirt and threw it to me like Mean Joe. So. Badass.

04:09 PM
Had such a great damn weekend, you guys. Feel like horsecrap, but flyin' high, and lookin' good.

Tue Jun 26 2012

12:58 PM
Ann just stopped by work. Kinda strange. Handed me an envelope and said, "Nice tan Karl. Here. I gotta go." Kissed my forehead.

01:00 PM
Thought it might be a big size "I'm sorry for botherin' you" card. Somethin' heartfelt. Not that gettin' back together was on my mind.

01:02 PM
Opened it up, was super pumped. Nothin' wrong with a little attention. And my rich cocoa tan IS on point.

01:04 PM
It was divorce papers. I'm goin' in the john. Just wanna be alone for awhile, you guys.

Wed Jun 27 2012

12:04 PM
Really hurtin'. Stayed up late with Dave. Took out a bottle of Crown talkin' 'bout the divorce. Think it might be a bluff. I'm the man?!

12:18 PM
Took down 6 Mango Habs and the Hot Dog Slammers at BW3s. Gotta take care of myself. This isn't MY problem. It's Ann's. Good luck out there.

12:24 PM
No way Ann's gonna go through with this. She's probably shakin' in her clogs right now, wonderin' what my power move is gonna be.

01:01 PM
Should just sign these divorce papers with "Psych!" Shove 'em in Ann's face. Let her know I'm on to her little game.

01:11 PM
Might have to get a briefcase to carry the divorce papers in. Looks all business. So badass. Like Vince McMahon probably has. YOU'RE FIRED!

01:15 PM
Ann wants to "divorce" me? What I should do is get up in her face like Vince and say, "YOU divorcin ME? I don't think so. YOU'RE FIRED!" Ha!

Thu Jun 28 2012

11:18 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:48 PM
Might have to stop by Ann's after work. Still gotta pick up my new boombox and chainsaw. Can't wait to fire 'em up. BRAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

12:51 PM
All this "divorce" crap with Ann is probably blown over anyway. It's so silly. Might have to turn on the romance, just a taste.

12:58 PM
Can't wait to show Dave my chainsaw. Gonna pull up to the pad with the top down on the 'Bring and it just rippin' like terror sent from God.

01:04 PM
If you're drivin' around in a convertible, wavin' a chainsaw, nobody's gonna say crap to ya except, "Whoa, there's a new sheriff in town."

Fri Jun 29 2012

12:05 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

12:09 PM
Went over to Ann's last night. Tim McGraw 'logne on thick. Cocoa tan on point. Sleeves not on my shirt. Ready for carnal action.

12:12 PM
Ann wouldn't even let me in the house. Said it was a "bad idea" and to "just please leave the divorce papers" and "are you drunk?"

12:14 PM
There's a big difference between "drunk" and "loose and conversational." "Drunk" is "after 9pm." Loose and conversational is "other times."

12:20 PM
Told Ann I needed to pick up my Dad's Day gifts, and if she wanted to get carnal, I was down, and unresistable, if she'd let me in close.

12:22 PM
My son came to the door, stickin' his wand through the crack sayin', "Daddy! Come in for some magic!" That's what I was tryin' to do. Idiot.

12:30 PM
Then he started blabbin' about how he got some good grade at day camp. No one cares! That's not REAL school. Just wastin' my time.

12:34 PM
Told my son, "Maybe if you didn't worry so much about stupid magic and grades and more about how you're helpin tear me and you mom apart...

12:35 PM
...I'd be on the other side of the door havin' private adult time with her, and you'd be in the yard playin' a sport!" Shut him down.

12:42 PM
Ann said, "Karl, if you want the boxes you sent here, they're on the back deck. Just take 'em and leave." Didn't even wanna see my chainsaw!

12:49 PM
Could tell Ann meant business. Was clutchin' the cordless phone like she did anytime she'd see a black person on our street.

12:53 PM
Took my boombox and chainsaw and hit the bricks. SO steamed. My son blew it! No way me and Ann weren't gettin' butt naked! I WAS ON POINT!

12:55 PM
Who knows. My son stickin' his nose in our conversation mighta stopped us from gettin' back together. Hope he remembers that. Forever.

01:00 PM
I peeled outta Ann's so hard. Did a neutral drop and everything. Kinda hit the curb, but still, it was hot and nasty. Really sent a message.

01:18 PM
Nosey Lady just said Tom Cruise is havin' troubles with his old lady. Whoa. Sure would like to have a guy to guy. He'd understand.

01:20 PM
I mean Tom Cruise is a Hollywood playboy. And I've got a pretty good rep in the Mid-Michigan area. Maybe we could swap babe stories?

01:23 PM
Dave told me once time that Tom Cruise was into guys. So stupid. Ever see "Days of Thunder?" No one's THAT great an actor.

01:30 PM
Bet there's an APB goin' out to babes all over the world right now, lettin' 'em know Tom Cruise is back. Lock up your daughters! Ha!

01:43 PM
Macho bad boys like Tom Cruise & me go together with babes like boloney and cheese. That's a natural fact, you guys.

02:00 PM
Ken said Tom Cruise can't say he's gay 'cause of Sciencetology. So stupid. Told him, "No, that's if your Catholic."

02:04 PM
Ken got kinda steamed and said, "I'm Catholic! You think I'M gay?!" Told him, "I couldn't care less. I'm into babes, 24/7. Open on Sundays."

02:12 PM
If you aren't hurtin' nobody, religions should just let folks be themselves. They usually don't. That's why I go direct to the Big Man.

02:19 PM
Had enough crap this week. I'm hittin' the bricks to Cold One City, USA. Sendin' vibes to all the babes from coast to coast, you guys.

Sat Jun 30 2012

11:53 AM
Takin it easy today. Me & Dave are gonna post up in front of the pad with the chainsaw, boombox, cold ones, and some fireworks. Just relax.

11:55 AM
Got a buttload of 'works when we went to Indy. Don't even know what some of 'em do. Savin' the big ones for the 4th though, outta respect.

11:57 AM
The 4th this year is really playin' head games with me. Never thought I'd be lookin' forward to a Wednesday on Saturday. Pretty confusing.

12:00 PM
Didn't invite anyone over, but when you're sittin' in lawn chairs with a boombox, 'works, a chainsaw, and a cooler, somebody's stoppin' by.

12:11 PM
Got a bunch of firewood to cut up with the chainsaw. Gonna lug the grill down and fill it up for slow smoked, hardwood bold flavors.

12:21 PM
Blarin' Bob Seger, bold flavors, poundin' cold ones out of a red Playmate, and rippin' holy hell with a chainsaw. That's America, you guys.

Sun Jul 01 2012

12:55 PM
Really hurtin'. Step 1: Pop some Andre. Step 2: Pour in Solo cup w/ ice. Step 3: Add Gatorade. Step 4: Celebrate hydration with Gatorpagne.

01:02 PM
Looks like there's alot of carnage on the front lawn of the building. Don't think me and Dave did all of it. Kids probably came at night.

01:07 PM
Things got heated with Neighbor Guy last night. Thought we were cool? Apologized for crushin' his kid's face with that sandwich months ago.

01:10 PM
Neighbor Guy yelled, "Did you get permission from the landlord to use a chainsaw on the property?" Told him, "This ain't China, buddy."

01:14 PM
Chainsaws aren't weapons like guns. They're TOOLS. Last time I checked, this country used TOOLS to build America. Can fire 'em up anywhere.

01:21 PM
Turned up the Seger. All the way. Pounded a Busch and stared him down. Dave hoisted the chainsaw like the Stanley Cup. Super Power Move.

01:28 PM
Neighbor Guy walked over like he wanted some. No need for violence when American brothers should come together. Offered him a cold one.

01:38 PM
Yelled over the Seger, "Look boss, guy to guy, me and Dave are just tryin to have a lil' pre-4th celebraish. Got plento cold ones. PLENTO."

01:49 PM
Neighbor Guy was actually pretty cool. Stayed for 5 or 6 cold ones until he remembered his kid was upstairs in the bathtub. Ha!

01:54 PM
World leaders need to learn there's no need for violence when a kind nod and an ice cold beer is the universal sign of peace, you guys.

02:16 PM
Went for a BM break. Came back down and the wood fire on the grill was outta control. Dave thought the lighter fluid was "single serving."

02:19 PM
Kicked the Weber over. Why I wear boots with my jean shorts like Stone Cold. Never know when you'll go from "relaxin'" to "action."

02:21 PM
Flamin' wood chunks went everwhere. Stupid Dave. Wasted all that slow smoked hardwood taste on a burnt up patch of the lawn.

02:23 PM
Pile up the wood with the community dog crap shovel, campfire style. Started throwin packs of Black Cats in it. Such a blast.

02:28 PM
Cops showed up around 11:30. Thought Neighbor Guy's kid drowned. Woulda ruined the night. But I guess some corncob called about noise.

02:32 PM
Told the Cops, "We're just usin' the fireworks that SHOULD be legal, like Black Cats. Savin' the big ones for the 4th. (wink)"

02:37 PM
Cops were cool. Just told us to take it inside. Told 'em "Thanks, but we already had an incident with indoor fireworks. We'll just hang."

02:40 PM
Cops didn't even make us cleanup, just poured cooler water on the fire. Technically, it's ok to leave the mess. That's how the law works.

02:46 PM
Alotta people hate the Cops. But there's good ones out there who do the job right by protectin', servin', and lookin' the other way.

Mon Jul 02 2012

12:15 PM
Really lookin' forward to the 4th, you guys.

12:16 PM
Can't believe we have to work today. And tomorrow. And THURSDAY?! Really steamed.

12:56 PM
HOW? Are AMERICANS!? Expected to get blackout drunk on the 4th, THEN come to work the next day?! Someone should do somethin'. Maybe Barry O.

12:59 PM
YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE THE BIGGEST HOLIDAY FOR THE USA IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK BY ITSELF!!! So disgusted. Wanna puke, you guys.

01:14 PM
How am I supposed to prepare for the 4th celebraish at WORK? I gotta buy cold ones, make my Bratato salad, do other stuff. So stressed.

01:31 PM
What if NO ONE went to work on the 3rd & 5th? You pieces of trash. What're you gonna do? Fire the country for bein' respectful Americans!?

01:37 PM
The 3rd is for preparin for war. The 4th is for drinkin & blowin up crap. 5th is for relaxin. Everyone forget what made this country great?

01:40 PM
We get a crap load off at Christmas for somethin' everyone doesn't believe in. But ONE day for the USA? A celebraish for ALL? Ain't right.

01:53 PM
Know WHY no one does anything 'bout the workin' man havin' the 3rd & 5th off? 'Cause the rich honchos who run things already do, you guys.

01:53 PM
So sick of this.

Tue Jul 03 2012

11:29 AM
Well, so here we are. At WORK. Yep, just really workin' away on some REALLY important stuff. WANNA CHOKE SOMEBODY I'M SO STEAMED, YOU GUYS!

11:34 AM
Picked up this tee for work today. Shows respect, yet lightens the mood with some laughs. Sleeves cut off of course: http://t.co/1dfDqjTp

11:45 AM
Brought the boombox to work. Nosey Lady says I can play it at a "reasonable volume." That means "make sure everyone can enjoy the music."

12:01 PM
It's 3:01 here on your Tuesday. You're with the Captain on WLZN. July 4th, we're comin', you guys: http://t.co/jbfN586I

12:07 PM
That was my man, Bob Ritchie, with Born Free. So rockin'. Here's another one to get you closer to the celebraish. WLZN. http://t.co/olPViRRv

12:13 PM
You're back with the Captain. Hopin' you're dealin' with the corncobs keepin' you at work who don't get America. WLZN. http://t.co/5xyXGXDD

12:23 PM
WLZN keeps it rollin' all afternoon with one from the Boss. You're headin' to Cold One City, USA, with the Captain. http://t.co/GWiTk2Tp

12:39 PM
Here's a little bit of freedom with Uncle Ted, on WLZN. http://t.co/l3HeRqcG

12:43 PM
Nosey Lady turn down my boombox and stop "yelling" in between songs. I'm bringin' pride to everyone with the Captain! Piece of trash.

12:45 PM
Takin' my boombox in the john. Crankin' it up. Can't say turn it down in there. What noises happen in the john, stay in the john, you guys.

12:56 PM
LIVE from the Captain's Quarters, you're with the Captain. Here's one from Diamond Dave & the boys on WLZN: http://t.co/qw2F4vdJ

01:04 PM
It's 4:06 and 89 degrees here in Grand Blanc. The seas look a little rough out there, but don't worry, the Captain's in control.

01:05 PM
Time for a little feel good music. Here's Alan Jackson, with Chattahoochie, on WLZN: http://t.co/5qXSYrlh

01:18 PM
This one's goin' out to all the babes, all over the world. It's the Crue, on WLZN. http://t.co/b223iDbC

01:21 PM
Man, sittin' in the john, DJin', would be a great job. Really rockin'. Gonna go get some trunk liquor to be loose and conversational.

01:41 PM
This one's goin' out to my main man Vernon, stay strong, soul brother. WLZN. http://t.co/XYfh30F7

01:48 PM
Vernon asked, "Yo Karl, why you playin' the radio in the bathroom?" Ha! Could tell he was groovin'! Kinda buzzed.

01:49 PM
4:48 on your Tuesday, here with the Captain. Almost time to hit the bricks! WLZN. http://t.co/VxfKNGva

01:58 PM
This is your Captain, signin' off. Thanks for listenin'. 4th of July mid-weekend, let's roll, you guys. http://t.co/5YaIU2JR

Wed Jul 04 2012

10:24 AM
'Cause their ain't no doubt, I love this land. God Bless the USA, you guys. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now.

10:42 AM
"Cause THERE ain't no doubt, I love this land. God Bless the USA." Stupid. Just wrote that on the living room wall with "THEIR." So steamed.

10:45 AM
Tryin' to scrub it off. Just makin' a mess. Magic marker smeared everywhere. Damnit! Such a disaster. Might spray paint over it bigger.

10:49 AM
Spray painted, 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NO DOUBT I LOVE THIS LAND, GOD BLESS THE USA! on the whole living room wall. Looks pretty cool?

11:26 AM
"Ain't that America, you and me." Really makes a lot of sense when you try not to think about it too hard, you guys.

11:29 AM
Wanna dedicate this 4th cold one of the day to all the Americans who still believe in a little thing called, "freedom." Let's kick some ass.

11:56 AM
Guess there's a heat warning. So stupid, that's why you cut off your sleeves. I am a real American. Fight for the rights of every man.

11:58 AM
Loaded up the 'Bring with cold ones, booze & eats. Headin' out to get into some action! 4th of July celebraish, 2012. Let's roll, you guys!

Thu Jul 05 2012

01:24 PM
Really hurtin'. Feel like I drank a thousand beers yesterday, you guys. Goin' to take a freedom nap in the john.

Fri Jul 06 2012

10:45 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:01 AM
Whoa, today is Friday?! I guess if you do the math, it all adds up! Super pumped.

11:03 AM
Woke up on the john floor yesterday when it was time to go home. Ken just came in and kicked my feet. Said, "Karl?!" Thought I was dead. Ha!

11:12 AM
Shouldn't have had to work on the 5th. I COULD'VE died. Bet a buncha people probably did. So irresponsible. The big wigs are just greedy.

11:24 AM
Had a rockin' 4th. Musta been 'cause I don't remember large portions of it. And the parts you don't remember are usually the best.

11:35 AM
Remember me and Dave headin' out in the 'Bring. Hit all the hot spots, Chili's parkin' lot, 'Bees parkin' lot. Peepin' all the babes.

11:38 AM
Drank a whole Thermos of G&T's in the 'Bee's parkin' lot. Blarin' some USA jams. Shot some bottle rocks outta the car. Got some real looks!

11:46 AM
A rent-a-cop came walkin' up to the 'Bring. Dave gave him the DX "suck it" sign, which means what it sounds like. Peeled out. So money.

11:50 AM
The 4th is all about freedom. And that includes gettin' bombed in the 'Bee's parkin' lot on G&T's while you peep babes and rock some Seger.

12:16 PM
Stopped by Crazy Cooter's after 'Bee's. Hadn't seen him since we thought he wanted to murder us. Always nice to reconnect with old friends.

12:19 PM
Cooter's was a wild scene. Was playin' Christmas music. Buncha burnt hamburgs on the grill. Squirrel was passed out nude on the lawn.

12:27 PM
Cooter & Squirrel were on "'shrooms?" Always seemed like some hippie crap. Ate one to be polite. Not very tasty. Dave ate two like a hog.

12:33 PM
Kinda lost track of time. Think the 'shrooms were laced with extra drugs. All of sudden, Cooter's was filled with like a thousand people.

12:37 PM
Remember playin' Seger's "Shakedown" on my boombox in Cooter's garage with a buncha people. Shotgunnin cold ones. Gettin' down. Real sweaty.

12:42 PM
Took my shirt off. Some babes started screamin' when they saw the merchandise. Started dancin' so hard. I was red hot like a thousand suns.

12:49 PM
Guess I got overheated 'cause I had to barf, pronto. Threw up on some guy named Bean Tooth. Got kinda steamed. It was just beer! Jeez.

12:51 PM
Bean Tooth said I owed him a new shirt. Said he could have mine. In the evening, a real man knows a shirt is just dead weight.

12:53 PM
Don't remember much after that. Might've made some questionable decisions? Woke up in Cooter's filthy tub with half a bowl of Bratato salad.

12:58 PM
Cooter was still up at 7am. Lightin roman candles. Drinkin' a bottle of Jim. Dave was sleepin on the floor, covered in trash and footprints.

01:02 PM
Smoked a cig with Cooter. Seemed kinda sad. Said, "Welzein, you have a good time bro?" Told him, "Yeah, you did good, Coot. Real fine."

01:04 PM
Coot said, "I hate when the party's f@ckin' done, man. F@ckers always wanna leave." Told him, "Can't have hellos without goodbyes, brother."

01:09 PM
Cooter said, "Man, that's some dumbass bullsh*t, Karl. You're alright, man." Had a shot for the road, and spilt. USA. Never forget.

01:18 PM
Ain't it funny how the night moves? When you don't seem to have as much to lose, you guys?

Sat Jul 07 2012

12:38 PM
Ann just rang. Wants to know when I'm gonna sign the divorce papers. It's SATURDAY. I'm busy tryin' to relax here.

12:51 PM
Told Ann, if I could sign the divorce papers in beer, I'd PBR 'em ASAP. But I can't, and my pens are put away 'til Monday business hours.

12:55 PM
Ann started flippin' out with, "What the heck are you talkin' about?!" And "What's wrong with you!?" Ripped one into the phone and hung up.

01:00 PM
Rippin' a big beef into the phone is the universal sign of, "This convo is not part of my day off itinerary."

Sun Jul 08 2012

12:12 PM
Just crashed out yesterday. Took down a pack of Cheddarwursts. No bun. (unbrats are healthy) And a dozen High Lifes. Still feel like crap?

12:15 PM
Gonna try to get work done today. Thinkin' 'bout lauchin' my DJ business. Really knocked it outta the park at work when I rocked the jams.

12:17 PM
Havin' some 'rrhea problems. After the Tigs game, might just camp out in the john, crank up the A/C, and really get into my business plan.

Mon Jul 09 2012

12:01 PM
Really hurtin. Drank a dozen BL Limes in about 3 hrs last night. Musta been dehydrated. Went down so smooth. Perfect for thinkin 'bout crap.

12:14 PM
BL Limes are a good thinkin' beer. Keeps the mind sharp with bold flavors. BL 'Nums are more for forgettin' motor skills and words.

01:03 PM
Got my DJ business ad on Craigslist all finished. Worked really hard on it. Turned out SO badass! http://t.co/2amTyfDf

01:26 PM
Bein a DJ is one of the best jobs they make. You just rock the jams, get drunk, then all the babes have a shirt takin off contest. So money.

01:37 PM
Goin' for a Rolo McFlurry. Makin' it "supreme" (wink). Really deserve it. Feelin' SO good right now. Nothin' like Rolos & booze, you guys.

Tue Jul 10 2012

12:12 PM
Just passed out flyers for my Bad Boy City Entertainment DJ service at work. Got some looks, like, "Whoa. You're a REAL DJ? So cool."

01:22 PM
Why don't more people don't have their own business? Just lazy?. All it takes is a few flyers, a Craigslist ad, and boom, YOU'RE the boss.

02:07 PM
Someone wrote "Pig Butt City Entertainment" over "Bad Boy City Entertainment" on the DJ flyer I put in in the kitchen! So steamed.

02:10 PM
"Pig Butt City Entertainment" sounds like overweight joke strippers for bachelor parties. And no one wants that. 'Cept maybe Dave.

02:23 PM
When people graffiti an advertisement, they're usually just jealous of your success. Can't let it get to me. Just shows I'm on point.

02:24 PM
Some people do graffiti in big cities and call it "art." So stupid. It's not "art" unless someone pays money for it, you guys.

02:26 PM
I drew a peener on a Woman's Day mag in a dentist's office once. It wasn't for art or jealousy though. Just some guy humor.

Wed Jul 11 2012

12:54 AM
Dave just sleep walked into my room. Said, "What are you doing?!" Dave said, "I'm takin' a 'forget.'" And whizzed on my clean laundry pile!

12:57 AM
MY CLEAN LAUNDRY IS ALL COVERED IN DAVE'S PEENER GOLD! Can't believe this crap. Really steamed.

12:59 AM
Walked Dave outside and locked the door. Not supposed to wake up sleep walkers. They can go bonkers. Gotta be safe, you guys.

01:01 AM
Gonna make some Triscuits & Mayo. Watch some Pawn Stars on DVR. Man, Barry is pretty much the man!

01:03 AM
Barry on Pawn Stars is kinda like an elderly Guy Fieri. So wise, yet classy, and ready for any babe situaish.

01:05 AM
And besides "Guy," "Barry" might be the #2 macho name in history. "Dalton" might beat it though. THEN, "Karl."

01:07 AM
Gonna make a TALL Crown & Diet to go with the Triscuits & Mayo. Middle of the night on a Tuesday is the perfect "me" time.

01:09 AM
If my whole day was the middle of the night? Man, I'd get so much done. Gonna really kick back. Full nude. Like nature intended.

01:14 AM
If you can drink a tall Crown & Diet, eat Triscuits & mayo, and watch Pawn Stars at 4am, PLUS, be butt naked? You've got life figured out...

01:14 AM
...you guys.

01:46 AM
Might go take a snooze shower with another Crown & Diet, then sleep in the 'Bring. Seems like a winning combination for a productive day.

11:40 AM
Really hurtin' today, you guys.

11:42 AM
Woke up in the tub late for work this mornin'. Triscuits & mayo everywhere. Just a disaster. So much for tryin' to get an early start.

11:46 AM
Had a tumbler of Crown & Diet on the edge of the tub. Couldn't waste a C&D so I took it to the house. Ice was melted, so it was hydrating.

11:50 AM
If you wake up with wet Triscuits all mashed up your buttcrack, drinkin' before work isn't really the first issue of concern, you guys.

11:55 AM
Forgot I locked sleep walk Dave outside last night. Guess he fell down some stairs. Cut his leg up pretty bad. Woke up and freaked out.

11:57 AM
Guess Dave pounded on the door for hours tryin' to get in. Doesn't know I locked him out in his sleep. Just gonna keep it hush hush.

11:59 AM
Dave went to Neighbor Guy's in his underpants at 5:30am and beat on the door for help. Neighbor Guy said beat it or he'd call the cops.

12:02 PM
Sure, I locked Dave outside and he mighta died, but Neighbor Guy shoulda helped him out. So selfish. Might have a word with him after work.

12:09 PM
Had weird dreams last night. Was cruisin' for babes in a hot rod with Barry from Storage Wars. One of those dreams you never want to end.

12:11 PM
Always get Storage Wars and Pawn Stars mixed up when I'm hammered. They should just call em "The Barry Show" and "Fatsos" to make it easier.

12:13 PM
Oh no. Just remembered how everything started. Dave whizzed on my clean laundry. Where the shirt I'm wearin' came from. Oh God. No. Oh no.

12:14 PM
I'M WEARIN' A SHIRT WITH DAVE'S DRIED WHIZZ ON IT!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

12:17 PM
That's why me and Barry from Storage Wars were sportin' our shirts with the wet look. It was a dream omen! I was tryin' to warn future Karl!

12:20 PM
Gotta go to Kohl's for a new tee, pronto. No man wearin' another man's urine, can still consider himself a man. Maybe in Europe though?

02:41 PM
Picked up this bad boy. Just some guy humor. ("rack" = "chest beefers?" Ha!) Cut the sleeves off in the car. So money. http://t.co/8QUt4ouD

02:46 PM
Didn't go back to work. Stopped home to grunt out a premie. Was gonna take it easy tonight, but my Rack tee is built for Cold One City, USA!

Thu Jul 12 2012

11:28 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:16 PM
Really screwed up today. Got the Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. Didn't have the classic taste I crave from The Bell. Feel so stupid.

12:18 PM
Wasn't even sure what the Cantina Bowl was. Just ordered it like a show off. I gotta be more careful.

12:27 PM
Why did Taco Bell put the Cantina Bowl on the menu?! Tasted "fresh." You don't go to The Bell for "freshness." You go there for Taco Bell.

12:31 PM
When I'm under the weather, and I go to Taco Bell, I want TACO BELL, not some healthy crap that a chick would order at 'Bee's.

12:37 PM
Round here, Taco Bell pullin a stunt like "The Cantina Bowl" is considered "gettin' too big for your britches." Might have to say somethin.

12:43 PM
HOW THE HELL DID THE TACO BELL MASTERMINDS GO FROM INVENTIN' A GENIUS TAC MADE OUTTA D'REETS TO SERVIN' BOWLS OF STUPID CORN AND RICE?!!!

12:45 PM
Really steamed, you guys.

Fri Jul 13 2012

11:48 AM
"Got it bad! Got it bad! Got it bad! I'm hot for Friday!" Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

02:41 PM
Spent most of the day in the John workin' on my letter to Taco Bell 'bout the Cantina Bowl situaish. Had to get it on.

02:43 PM
To Whom It May Concern at Taco Bell, 'Sup? Name's Karl Welzein, President and CEO of Bad Boy City Entertainment. Sorry, but I got a beef.

02:46 PM
Yesterday, not feelin' very well 'cause I drank about a thousand beers in my new Rack (chest beefer guy humor) tee I had to get 'cause...

02:48 PM
...I remembered that I was wearin a shirt that Dave had whizzed on, I stumbled into The Bell for some comfort. When you're really hurtin,...

02:50 PM
...The Bell is always on point. Kinda makes you feel worse than you already did, but at least it flushes your guts out with bold flavors.

02:52 PM
Unknowingly, I ordered the Cantina Bowl, 'cause it sounded like a big bowl full of mashed up Taco Bell, and bowls usually include bacon.

02:53 PM
To my surprise, when I got back to work, I discovered that your "Cantina Bowl" was just basically a chick salad with rice and corn and crap.

02:56 PM
Sure, I got the steak, but it was only about a burreet's worth. Certainly not enough to satisfy a real macho man with a bad boy appetite.

02:58 PM
I gotta say, The Cantina Bowl is the most disappointing item I've ever had at Taco Bell. Who's runnin' the ship over there, soccer moms?

03:01 PM
The Bell was so on point with the Loco D'reet Tac. Why waste time with "fresh ingredients" when there's other ways to use D'Reets?

03:04 PM
Checked out the saucy latina babe who invented the Cantina Bowl. She's slammin' and I'd run for her border, but no way Jose on her grub.

03:05 PM
You can't just let a babe make up crap for your restaurant 'cause some head honcho is probably havin' carnal passions with her caramel bod.

03:09 PM
Taco Bell, when I want Taco Bell, I want Taco Bell, not a $4.99 kick in the sack with a side of black beans and lettuce, comprende?

03:12 PM
You claim that the Cantina Bowl is "satisfaction guaranteed." So, if Taco Bell made airbags, my face would be burger meat right now?

03:14 PM
You can't just guarantee satisfaction. Unless it's me, one on one with a babe. When it comes to satisfaction, just call me Snickers.

03:16 PM
NOBODY is gonna be satisfied by The Cantina Bowl. NOBODY. If Peanut was here (RIP) to eat out of your dumpster, he'd agree.

03:20 PM
Anyone satisfied by The Cantina Bowl, doesn't know anything 'bout this crazy world we call, "life." So many bold flavors, so little time.

03:21 PM
If anything, Taco Bell, you should at least train your employees to say to customers who order The Cantina Bowl, "You sure? Pretty weak."

03:24 PM
If you wanna save your franchise, I'm urging you, please, take that bowl of health crap off your menu. Taco Bell used to be cool. Not now.

03:26 PM
All the best to you in your future endeavors, Karl Welzein

03:30 PM
PS- What kinda corncobs at Taco Bell are holdin back makin' 'Chos with D'reets!? Kinda concerning to the public, you guys.

03:38 PM
Feels rockin to help the world sometimes. Might head to Paddy's. Get real loose and chitty chatty with some babes. Charity vibes are carnal.

Sat Jul 14 2012

03:13 PM
Mighta made some questionable decisions last night? Went from "on point" to "a thousand miles an hour" in about 60 seconds.

03:15 PM
Rolled into Paddy's feelin' so money. Felt like I could drink a thousand beers. Decided to fast forward with 6-8 shots and a few cold ones.

03:18 PM
Was layin the K-Money swag on thick to some babe named, Heather B. Said she didn't feel comfortable givin out her last name. Real hush hush.

03:21 PM
Asked Heather B. if she'd come back to the pad for a one on one rendezvous and to check out my DJ moves. Said if I paid her tab, it was on.

03:26 PM
Heather B. wanted to drive separate back to the pad, just in case she had an emergency. Think she might have BM problems? Understandable.

03:29 PM
Heather B. musta got lost followin' me back to the pad. Weird 'cause I was kinda bombed and goin' slow. Gotta be responsible, you guys.

03:34 PM
Went up on the roof with my boombox. Started blarin' Lionel Richie's "My Destiny" like a beacon of carnal passions. http://t.co/j4cjjXZA

03:36 PM
When WLZN is playin' Lionel Richie in the after hours "Love Zone," that's like the bat signal for babes to come runnin' from coast to coast.

03:44 PM
Dave came out on the lawn and started doin' the peener. Yelled down at him to hit the bricks or he was gonna scare off Heather B. Idiot.

03:46 PM
A couple cars drove by. Could been Heather B. or any other late night babes cruisin' for a steam sesh. Probably saw Dave and beat it.

03:49 PM
Was screamin' at Dave to cut it with the Peener and I'd kick him the scraps if any babes came with a garbage pal. I know how to share.

03:52 PM
Kinda lost my footing on the roof due to bein' bombed and tryin' to maintain a homeboy pose with the boombox. Almost fell off to my death.

03:55 PM
Scraped my knees up pretty bad. Saved the boombox though. Think it was divine intervention, like I'm meant to be the hottest DJ of all time.

03:58 PM
Gotta make better decisions. What if the last thing I saw on earth was a grown man thrustin' his peener and veggies around? It's not ideal.

04:01 PM
I'm not sayin' The Big Man makes all the the decisions, but I like to think, once in awhile, he reaches out, guy to guy.

04:09 PM
Everyone thinks God needs "thanks and praise." Seems strange. The Big Man don't need no credit. He's already the Big Man, lookin' down.

04:13 PM
Gonna try to be productive tonight and work on my DJ skills. Gettin' pretty good at changin' CDs really fast. Dave seems impressed?

04:16 PM
If you have a dream, don't drive 55. Mash that pedal all the way to the metal 'til you hit the finish line, guard rail, or run outta gas.

Sun Jul 15 2012

02:06 PM
Woke up this mornin' to Dave standin' on a chair with his buttcheeks spread in front of the AC. Kinda concerning, but understandable.

02:09 PM
Dave said, "Sorry, tryin' to cool my guts down." Just drink ice water, Dave. No need to taint the community air with your p.u. stench.

02:13 PM
So hot. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

02:43 PM
Wonder why they never show Guy Fieri drinkin' cold ones on DDD? Man, bet he can drink up a storm. Sure like to go toe to toe.

02:48 PM
They have all kindsa shows about eatin' 'til you wanna die. Why don't they have drinkin' ones? Man vs. Booze?

02:49 PM
Wonder who'd win in a cold one contest with me, Kid Rock, and Guy Fieri? Probably be a 3-way tie. Then we'd have a rockin' celebraish!

02:56 PM
Welcome to Man vs. Booze. Hosted by Stone Cold Steve Austin, and me, Captain Karl. Somebody give us an AWE HELL YEAH!

02:59 PM
Tonight on Man vs. Booze, I'll be battling Kid Rock and Guy Fieri in the 5 Gallon Bucket of Gatorpagne Challenge.

03:09 PM
Who do you think's gonna win tonight, Stone Cold? "Son, it's gonna be one helluva fight." (gives middle finger just 'cause it's badass)

03:13 PM
So hot. AC isn't workin' for crap. Tryin' to pound cold ones as fast as possible. So sweaty. Think Dave beefed. Real thick in here.

03:17 PM
Goin' to lay down in the tub with the shower set to "chillin' the most." Bringin' some cold ones. Can't think in this heat! Sick of this.

Mon Jul 16 2012

11:37 AM
So hot out. AC can't keep up at the pad. Crankin' at work though. Almost glad to be here? "Call me the workin' man!" Ha! I get the job done.

11:38 AM
Brought some Cheddarwurst lefties to snack on at work. Nice to ease into Monday with some bold weekend flavors. Smooth transition.

11:45 AM
Just swiped a GQ off Ken's desk. Has that Kate Upton babe on the cover. Whoa. I just...I mean, C'MON!

11:58 AM
Jeez. That Kate Upton is really somethin' else, you guys.

12:09 PM
There's no way that Kate Upton isn't the #1 Babe in the USA right now. No way. Man, that is my kinda gal.

12:13 PM
Kate Upton is the kinda babe that gets the "Captain Karl Carnal Trifecta": 1. Slow down. 2. Honk. 3. Ease down the shades.

12:18 PM
Eatin' brats at work, peepin' Kate Upton's smokin' chest beefers, soakin' up the cool A/C. Easy there, Monday. I got this one in the bag.

01:04 PM
Heard Justin Verlander is havin' carnal passions with Kate Upton. So badass. That's just how we do things here in Michigan, you guys.

01:10 PM
Verlander is so on point. Pre-game Taco Bell? (NOT the Craptina Bowl) All access to Kate Upton's chest beefers? Ace for the Tigs? Man.

01:19 PM
Ken just asked if I had his GQ. I said, "Why would I have it?" Ken said "Because it's gone and you're Karl." What's that supposed to mean!?

01:24 PM
Ken's not gettin' that GQ back, EVER. Already customized it. Took all the non-Kate Upton pages out for easy browsing on the go.

01:37 PM
GQ shoulda made an all Kate Upton issue in the first place. Who cares what sandals go best with a bow tie or whatever. Show me the beefers!

01:39 PM
Saved all the 'logne samples from the GQ though. When it comes to smellin' goods, waste not, want not, you guys.

Tue Jul 17 2012

12:13 PM
Ann called AGAIN about where the divorce papers are. Said she'd get em by Friday. Settin deadlines shows you're busy, but mean business.

12:45 PM
Guess Ken found all the non-Kate Upton pages I tore out of his GQ in the john. Real steamed. What is Ken doin' diggin' in the trash?

12:49 PM
Nosey Lady says we're havin' a meeting about respectin' others' property. No one cared when my Bad Boy City Entertainment flyer got defaced!

01:21 PM
Got that meeting in 45 minutes. Makin' some notes. Gotta get my briefcase outta the 'Bring. Power walk in like Vince McMahon. "NO CHANCE!"

Wed Jul 18 2012

01:16 PM
Took a long B-Dubs lunch. 18 Mango Habs.Tryin' to lay low today. Things got kinda heated at the meeting about theft and vandalism at work.

01:22 PM
Nosey Lady started with, "Ken had some property go missing. Although we're not sure if it was stolen, it'll be looked into." Gave me a look!

01:26 PM
Ken piped up with, "Not sure?! My GQ didn't just disappear! I found shreds of it in the men's room garbage!" (Yeah, I put it there, idiot.)

01:29 PM
Asked Ken, "What are you doin' diggin' through the trash, Ken? Pretty sad habit." Turned the tables on him. Power move.

01:32 PM
Ken said, "I KNOW you stole my GQ, Karl!" No, I BORROWED it, then made it custom, and that makes it mine. That's the law of property.

01:36 PM
Asked Ken, "Don't think so, what'd it look like?" Said, "It had a woman in a swimsuit on it!" Told him, "Oh, like a guy mag? Not my style."

01:38 PM
Said, "Ken, you really shouldn't have guy mags in public at work. Not really appropriate." Gave Nosey the "respect the ladies" look.

01:41 PM
Ken said, "You left a Penthouse in my home! My wife still thinks it was mine!" Told him, it was a "Timehouse" and you never gave it back.

01:44 PM
You think it's easy to combine a Time and a Penthouse into a "Timehouse." Intelligent eroticism takes precision, glue, and razor blades.

01:47 PM
Told Ken, "Look, no one is ever gonna know what happened to your GQ. EVER. So let it go, kimosabe. I got my own fish to fry." Power move.

01:59 PM
Got my briefcase out and produced my "Bad Boy City Entertainment" flyer that someone changed to "Pig Butt City." Said, here's a REAL issue!"

02:03 PM
Ken said, "FINE! I DID THAT! YOU HAPPY? GUESS WHO CARES? NO ONE! 'CAUSE IT'S NOT REAL YOU ASSHOLE!" Everyone got real quiet.

02:05 PM
Nosy Lady asked to see Ken in private. He was all teary eyed and red. He didn't come in today. Think somethin's up.

02:08 PM
Think Ken's jealous of my K-Money swag. Drives a man crazy seein' a real bad boy livin' the dream, while they're stuck in a nightmare.

Thu Jul 19 2012

11:09 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:28 PM
Ken didn't show up for work again today. Nosey Lady said he took some personal days. Kinda concerning. He must be drinkin' so hard.

12:32 PM
Might have to stop by Ken's pad tonight. Bring some cold ones. Have a real guy to guy. Ken's an alright guy. Just seems kinda mixed up.

Fri Jul 20 2012

01:45 PM
Though I keep searchin' for an answer. Never seem to find what I'm lookin' for. The Lord I praise'll give me strength to carry on...

01:45 PM
...'Cause I know what it means. To walk along, the lonely street of dreams.

01:47 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Had a weird stop by at Ken's last night. Kinda concerning for all parties involved.

01:51 PM
Drank a few cold ones in the 'Bring on the way to Ken's. Wanted to be loose and conversational. Ken wasn't home. Just his Oo La La wife.

01:54 PM
Asked if Ken was home. Ken's wife said, "Who cares. But you can wait." Got my dirty 30 of Busch. Perfect for an all night guy to guy.

01:56 PM
Told Ken's wife I needed to use the john. She said, "Try the yard, Gary." Told her, "I'm Karl." She said, "whatever." Seemed bombed.

01:59 PM
After I whizzed behind Ken's garage, I went back in. Ken's wife had a bottle of vodka out. Said, "You a shot guy, Gary?" Said, "I'm a man."

02:01 PM
Musta pounded 5 Mountains and 3 shots with Ken's wife waitin' for Ken. Sat down next to me on the couch. Started playin' with my pony.

02:06 PM
Ken's wife said, "Gary, Ken's not comin' home tonight." Unbuttoned her blouse. Started breathin' all weird. Thought she might be sick?

02:09 PM
Ken's wife took shot and just grabbed right at my guy crotch. Almost passed out. Didn't know what to do. My vibe must be outta control.

02:12 PM
When a babe is goes at your peener & veggies through jean shorts, the carnal passions possibilities have the heat of a thousand suns.

02:18 PM
I didn't wanna do it, but all that Busch and the shots had me crazy from the heat. So I headed for Ken's wife's mountains.

02:21 PM
I knew it was wrong, but I didn't wanna be right. My K-Money swag was firin' at 1,000% and...

02:22 PM
...I don't remember much. It was just such a blur...

02:24 PM
...but I went all the way with Ken's Oo La La wife. Right there on the sofa.

02:26 PM
After we had consensual carnal passions, Ken's wife slapped me in the face and said, "Ken WILL be home soon. Get out, you piece of sh*t."

02:29 PM
Don't know why Ken's wife slapped me or called me a bad word. Must be somethin' from Sex in The City or that Grey book babe's read?

02:31 PM
Almost crashed the 'Bring 3 times on the way home. So out of it. Passed out on the kitchen floor with a bottle of Jim. Like a weird dream.

02:32 PM
Signed my divorce papers and dropped them off this mornin' under Ann's door. Put, "Have a neat summer, Karl Welzein." Seemed casual?

02:36 PM
Leavin' work. Feel like I need to drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Sat Jul 21 2012

12:25 PM
Really hurtin'. Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

01:18 PM
Mighta made a mistake goin' all the way with carnal passions on Ken's Oo La La wife. Feel kinda used. I'm prime rib. Feel like burger meat.

01:27 PM
I'm pretty much the #1 bad boy partier in the Flint area, and babes crave my bod 24/7, but Ken's wife crossed the line. She's in the wrong.

01:39 PM
Wonder if Ken and his wife are into some weird adults only lifestyle? We made it all natural. Kinda concerning. Don't want peener sores.

01:53 PM
When you're one on one with a babe, and the heat is set to a thousand degrees, it's still important to man bag your peener, you guys.

01:58 PM
Didn't tell anyone 'bout my rendezvous with Ken's wife. Just hope it goes away with the help of BL 'Nums and some DDD. Like a warm blanket.

02:00 PM
BL 'Nums were pretty much built for times like when you accidentally got carnally taken advantage of, all the way, with a co-worker's wife.

Sun Jul 22 2012

03:00 PM
So hot. A/C is completely broke. Wanna die. Sick of this. Dave's sittin' on some TGIFridays frozen tato skins. So those are a loss.

03:09 PM
Told Dave, we should hit up 'Bee's or Chili's. Grab a nice table and settle in. Watch some tv. Go bonkers with some top shelf margs. Man.

03:15 PM
There's just somethin' bout kickin' back in a Chili's, gettin' ripe on booze, keepin' cool, and havin' some laughs. Always feels right.

03:17 PM
Sometimes I wish everywhere was Chili's, you guys.

Mon Jul 23 2012

12:31 PM
Really hurtin'. Gonna go take a snooze on the toilet forever.

05:39 PM
Woke up on the toilet at work around quittin' time. Heard Ken in the other stall arguin' with his wife on the phone. Kinda concerning.

05:43 PM
Fired off a double flush like I just finished up a long moan & groaner and got the rock outta there. Real covert ops, in the john style.

05:47 PM
Don't think Ken knows 'bout my rendezvous with his Oo La La wife. He probably woulda said somethin'? Unless he's gonna jump me.

05:54 PM
Still kinda banged up from Chili's with Dave. Top Shelf Margs were goin' down so smooth. Musta had 7 before I lost count.

05:57 PM
Never understood why people count how many drinks they have. A real man drinks by body feel. More natural. Boozin' ain't math, you guys.

06:13 PM
Sometimes, stuff that makes you feel like you're livin life to the fullest (Chili's), also makes you feel like you're dying the next day.

Tue Jul 24 2012

03:21 PM
Worried 'bout Ken. He's been spendin alot of time in the john. And, it's kinda MY special spot. Mighta heard crying today. Kinda concerning?

03:28 PM
Nothin sadder than hearin a man whimper on the toilet when you're tryin' to get a nap in the next stall. Should be a country song bout that.

03:36 PM
If ya gotta let loose with the eye drips, the only acceptable place for a man to do it is on the toilet, you guys.

Wed Jul 25 2012

10:31 AM
Ken was in the john stall AGAIN today. Really crampin' my style. The Fonz didn't share his office with somebody else. Had to reach out.

10:34 AM
Passed Ken a note on some TP. Said, "Guy to Guy. Chili's. 7pm, kimosabe." Didn't say nothin' back, but I think "kimosabe" showed importance.

10:37 AM
Don't think I should say anything 'bout havin' carnal passions with Ken's wife, but when a pal's in trouble, you gotta show you care.

10:39 AM
Don't want Ken to kill himself or nothin'. Way things are around here, we probably wouldn't even get a day off. It'd be a waste of a life.

Thu Jul 26 2012

11:08 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:21 AM
Ken never showed at Chili's. Didn't come to work either. Kinda concerning. Hope he's not dead. Had a blast at Chili's though! So money.

11:29 AM
Why would you kill yourself when Chili's has their 2 for $20 menu, givin' you TWO reasons to live at an incredible value?

11:30 AM
When you call the Suicide Hotline, they should just say, "Slow down, corncob. Have you tried Chili's? What's your problem?"

11:35 AM
Don't know what happens when we die, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve Top Shelf Margs at Chili's. Bein' alive is important, you guys.

Fri Jul 27 2012

01:25 AM
Got up to push out a stinky and ate a whole can of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles in the john. Guess Dave left 'em in there. Too bad, so sad.

01:31 AM
Bein' divorced means you can eat 4am Pringles on the toilet, like a grown adult, r-o-c-k-in' the USA, should be able to, you guys.

11:33 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

01:23 PM
Ken don't look so hot. Like when the Joker poisoned the water and people all looked like greasy dog crap and europeans.

01:31 PM
Gotta force Ken to come out tonight. Get him real bombed. Might wait by his car. Really get in his face 'bout lookin' like garbage.

01:35 PM
If a pal's down in the dumps and their life's outta control, do right thing and take 'em out to get trashed like never before, you guys.

01:40 PM
Swiped Ken's keys so when he wants to go home, he'll have to get a ride from Cpt. Karl on the S.S. Celebraish. Destination: Cold One City.

Sat Jul 28 2012

10:31 AM
Woke up on the sidewalk outside of the pad this mornin'. Pretty cool?

10:48 AM
Wonder what happened to Ken last night? Don't remember much after we ran into Crazy Cooter in the 'Bee's parkin' lot. Went kinda bonkers.

10:52 AM
The best thing about not rememberin' the night before, is that it's a memory you can't forget, you guys.

10:57 AM
Feel like I don't know things today. How to do talking, words, etc. Cracked a cold one. Gotta get the think brain makin'.

11:03 AM
Ever feel like you could just float away? Just, "Bye! Gonna go take a crap on the sky, you guys." Jeez.

11:16 AM
Gonna take a few cold ones and lay down on the front lawn. Feels right. Just stay there until forever never comes.

Sun Jul 29 2012

06:29 PM
Woke up on the front lawn this mornin'. Either a dog took a big crap on me or some kids put it there. Both options are kinda concerning.

06:36 PM
Wakin' up with a big log o' dog doo on your chest lets you know it's time to instigate a "light beer only" rule for awhile, you guys.

06:39 PM
Just need to be alone for awhile. Do some thinkin'. Wakin' up covered in dog crap?! Man. C'mon, Welzein. That's not how you roll.

Mon Jul 30 2012

12:02 PM
Just got the 411 from Ken 'bout what happened Friday. Sounds like we rocked it!

12:05 PM
Ken said, "Karl, you refused to take me home until I drank some of the hot liquor you had in your trunk, after I coughed it up, you drank...

12:09 PM
...the rest of the bottle, and kept sayin' stuff like 'so smooth' about 20 times and callin' me 'Kimosabe Kenno.'" Sounds pretty cool?

12:13 PM
Ken told me, "You wouldn't turn down the radio and drove all the way to Applebee's at 15 mph 'cause, 'Safety 1st on the S.S. Celebraish."

12:19 PM
"When we got to Applebee's, you did about 6 laps around the parking lot, openly drinkin a warm beer, and singin along to Hollywood Nights...

12:21 PM
...at the top of your lungs with the top down on your car. I BEGGED you to take me home, but you just said...

12:25 PM
...'Shut up and peep the babes, Kimosabe Kenno.' Then a maniac dove on top of your car and screamed, 'Let's get some cooze motherf@cker!'

12:28 PM
I thought you were going to get murdered when you got out of the car, but apparently you knew that 'Cooter' guy. You drank MORE...

12:30 PM
...hot liquor out of your trunk, parked terribly. Then, just wandered off! I had to walk home! My wife is already upset with me...

12:31 PM
...and I showed up really late, soaked in sweat, smellin' like booze, and missing my keys! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED ON FRIDAY!...

12:34 PM
...SO BACK OFF KARL!" Man. Sounds like a blast! Ken needs to learn a thing or 2 'bout the Bold Bad Boy Lifestyle. He'll get there.

Tue Jul 31 2012

12:53 PM
Whoa. Just found out Ken got in a car accident last night. Guess he's ok, just a broken arm. But'll takin' some time off. Pretty cool?

12:57 PM
Might have to stop by Ken's after work. Sign his cast. Wanna be the first one, get the primo real estate. Gotta work on what I'm gonna put.

01:04 PM
Ken's been stressed out lately. Probably shouldn't have been behind the wheel. It's dangerous. Why I don't mind relaxin' with a cold one.

01:10 PM
Who do you want on the roads; an angry maniac? Or a guy who's rockin' out, enjoyin' an ice cold Busch responsibly, lookin' out for others?

01:13 PM
Drinkin' THEN drivin' is wrong. But on a short 15 min. trip, if you START drinkin' in the car, you'll be fine by your destination, you guys.

01:30 PM
Heard drinkin' at work is still cool in Europe. Must be less stressful when you don't have to sneak it in the john or at lunch.

01:34 PM
Imagine how much less people'd hate their jobs if everyone knew that at 3pm, you got to have a "2 Cold One Break?" The USA'd be unstoppable.

01:42 PM
Nobody wants to work with a corncob who pounds a 3pm energy drink then "tries" like they "care." Gimme someone relaxin after a couple brews.

Wed Aug 01 2012

12:23 PM
Stopped by Ken's after work yesterday. Looks real bad. Broken arm, 2 black eyes. Like Dalton from Roadhouse had his way with him.

12:26 PM
So I told Ken, "Man, you look like you got hit by a car made outta Dalton from Roadhouse." He said. "Get out, Karl." Musta never seen it?

12:30 PM
Told Ken I just wanted to sign his cast, guy to guy. Just turned his head and moaned. Some people in seething pain don't like attention.

12:34 PM
Drew a big rack of chest beefers on Ken's cast and wrote, "Donations Accepted." So money. Nothin' sweeter than sympathy beefers, you guys.

12:43 PM
Ken just stood up and went to the john. Waited for about an hour. Didn't come out. Made a grilled cheese. My Captain Karl's GC is on point.

12:46 PM
When you catch the aroma of my Captain Karl's Cheese Grillins, most folks come flyin' outta the john for a taste while it's hot 'n fresh.

12:49 PM
Wonder where Ken's Oo La La wife was? Probably can't stand to see her man destroyed. Understandable. Kinda glad too, due to our rendezvous.

12:53 PM
If you had carnal passions with a pal's wife, best to keep a distance if he gets crippled. That's when they crave seconds on 100% all beef.

12:58 PM
Might have to stop back by Ken's again with my copy of Roadhouse. Kinda concerned that he's never seen it. Could hardly sleep.

01:13 PM
If you've never seen Roadhouse, pretty sure your peener and veggies could just fall off at any second. That's an almost fact, you guys.

01:17 PM
Shovin' a gun in someone's face to make 'em watch Roadhouse is probably legal if it's not loaded. Unloaded = concerned. Loaded = maniac.

01:41 PM
They should remake Roadhouse with Guy Fieri as "Guy Cooler." Could be a smash hit? "Pain don't hurt, it's off the chain."

01:45 PM
Goin' in the john to start on a script for the Guy Fieri, "Roadhouse" remake. Always wanted to be a Hollywood big shot. And I know action.

08:43 PM
Whoa. The olympics started?! When'd that happen? They should do better publicity. Maybe put it on beer cans for people who have a life.

08:51 PM
Feel bad I haven't been supportin' the games. Gotta get involved. 'Course, I like to think I'm on Team USA, 24/7, 365. Open on Sundays.

Thu Aug 02 2012

11:10 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:34 PM
Can't believe we have to work today while Team USA is out there, bustin' their butts for America. The olympics are only on every few years!

12:38 PM
Who knows what event could be on right now? Could be a big one, like babes' beach volleyball. Rockin' their cabooses for freedom. Man.

12:49 PM
Sure, no one cares about stuff like "swimming." But if lying for a few days makes the Subway guy think he didn't waste his life, it's cool.

01:36 PM
Shouldn't be allowed to watch the olympics during the day if you don't have a job. Just stick to Cops for a more realistic inspiration.

01:52 PM
Probably a buncha unemployed idiots headin down to the Y right now, thinkin they'll train for the gold. In what? The Burger King freestyle?

01:55 PM
I'm realistic. I couldn't cut it in the games right now. Maybe if I stuck with the shot put since highschool, but I had a family to raise.

02:00 PM
Gonna go work on my Guy Fieri "Roadhouse" script in the john. When it comes to dreams, ya gotta keep your focus in reality, you guys.

07:13 PM
Wonder if Guy Fieri drove the pace car for the olympic opening ceremony? Must have. Who else would they get? Missed it. So steamed.

Fri Aug 03 2012

11:45 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Got this bad boy to support Team USA. Wearin' it with pride. (No sleeves for extra pride) http://t.co/Tvuw73lv

11:50 AM
Wonder why Stone Cold Steve Austin's never been in the olympics? Woulda loved to see him stun some french corncob back to cheese town.

11:52 AM
When it comes to the USA, even if you beat us on the scoreboard, at the end of the day, man, we still kicked your ass from the start.

12:01 PM
Watched some gymnastics last night. (women's only) They really need to put the ages on the screen to keep the creeps from thinkin' carnally.

12:04 PM
If you tune in to an olympic program, and there's a smokin caboose on the screen, keep your urges in check before havin thoughts, you guys.

12:07 PM
Gals' olympic sports need to have a bar on the bottom of the screen that says, WARNING: UNDERAGE ACTION. KEEP YOUR BRAIN RATED G. NOT COOL.

12:10 PM
One time, Crazy Cooter said, "Old enough to pee, old enough for me." Kinda concerning. Gotta respect the ladies, you guys.

12:14 PM
I like a nice thick and juicy mature babe myself. All natural, aged to perfection, and piled high with all the toppings.

12:25 PM
A true bad boy knows that fat bottomed girls make the rockin' world go 'round, you guys.

05:31 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys. Team USA style.

Sat Aug 04 2012

02:00 PM
Really hurtin'. Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

02:09 PM
Pad is kind of a wreck. Dave said I couldn't have ever gotten into the olympics. Idiot. All you need is training at crap no one wants to do.

02:12 PM
Everyone wants to play NFL. But rowing or some crap like that? Not like there's a big line out the door to devote your life to it for free.

02:18 PM
Told Dave, "If all I did for the last 20 years was train at shot put, pretty sure I'd kickass at shot put. But I didn't 'cause I was busy."

02:22 PM
Dave said, "Put your money where your mouth is then, tough guy." Put down a finski. Had to get it on.

02:24 PM
Filled up the toaster with pennies, taped it shut, and went out on the lawn. Told Dave, "Furthest shot put wins the fiver, kimosabe."

02:27 PM
I went first. Musta thrown the toaster like a mile. Could tell Dave was shakin' in his shoes when he saw I was all man, no filler.

02:30 PM
Dave said, "My sport's the hammer throw. Like Thor." No, it's not. You just like that stupid movie, Dave. Doesn't mean it's your sport.

02:32 PM
Dave grabbed the pennies toaster of glory by the cord and started swingin' it around like a psycho. Looked kinda cool actually.

02:35 PM
Dave let the toaster full o' pennies fly. Went through the back window of somebody's Grand Prix. Ran back in the pad. It was an accident.

02:38 PM
When you throw a toaster filled with pennies through the back window of a Grand Prix, it sounds like it, you guys.

02:43 PM
The Grand Prix was gone this mornin'. Who knows? Coulda been someone up to no good and thought, "Whoa, better get outta here, pronto."

02:49 PM
Gonna have a few cold ones to get loose and conversational. Then stop by Ken's with my Roadhouse DVD and some booze. Guy to guy.

Sun Aug 05 2012

04:27 PM
Stopped by Ken's last night for a guy to guy supreme with my copy of Roadhouse, BL 'Nums, chips n dip. The works, really. Full spread.

04:36 PM
Heard some arguin' in Ken's house. Didn't want to interrupt and make it weird so I hid in the shadows by a window and had a few cold ones.

04:39 PM
Heard Ken's wife say, "We are DONE Ken! There's nothin' more to discuss! You had sex with a MAN! You're gay! This is over!!!" Whoa.

04:42 PM
Ken said, "I told you a million times, it was ONE time before we got married! I was drunk and in a bad place then! I'm not gay!...

04:43 PM
...you said I could tell you ANYTHING! I want us to be together! Please, try to understand, that wasn't me! I wasn't being me!...

04:45 PM
...I should've never told you! And it doesn't make me a bad person! If I could go back and change things I would but I can't!...

04:46 PM
...Just please don't leave me! I love you so much! You're my everything! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Oh my god, please I'm begging you!"

04:48 PM
Ken's wife said, "No Ken, no. I can't be married to a man who might have feelings for other men." Ken yelled, "F@ck you for judging me!"

04:53 PM
Heard a glass break and a door slam, then cryin. Had another cold one in the shadows and split. Figured it probably wasn't "Roadhouse time?"

04:57 PM
Wonder if Ken really got carnal with a guy? Doesn't seem like the type. Not really into fashion. If I was gay, man, I'd take advantage.

04:59 PM
Scarves look badass, but, also look gay. So, if you're gay, might as well look badass with plento of scarves, you guys.

05:01 PM
Told Dave 'bout Ken and his Oo La La wife's fight. He just got all steamed and said, "You were gonna watch Roadhouse without me!?" Idiot.

05:04 PM
Wonder if Ken'll be back at work Monday? Might drop some hints that I'm cool with the gays from coast to coast. (not "down", just "cool")

05:09 PM
This is America, and if you wanna make carnal passions with your peener and another peener, just keep it safely consensual, you guys.

Mon Aug 06 2012

12:35 PM
No sign of Ken at work. Hope he's ok. Things must be tough when your smokin' wife thinks you dig peener & veggies over chest beefers.

12:40 PM
Feel bad that I tore out all the topless guy 'logne ads outta Ken's Kate Upton GQ. Mighta been his best part? Need to be more considerate.

12:46 PM
If my main man Ken wants to go guy on guy carnally, I'm behind him 100%. Well maybe not "behind him." Ha! Sorry, just some guy humor.

12:55 PM
Don't understand why some folks hate the gays. They're great at all kindsa things, like friendship, olympic sports, advice, anything really.

12:59 PM
Was thinkin' 'bout headin' down to Oakland to check out the new chicken sammy restaurant. Not now, with Ken in these troubled times.

01:15 PM
Heard the Chick Filet guy's got a mean one for the gays. Rich fellas who crave a man's caress get real jealous of others' brave pleasures.

01:17 PM
The Chick Filet guy seems like a rich corncob bully, like Brad Wesley in Roadhouse. Love to get my mitts on him behind the scenes.

01:22 PM
A modern man don't lead life by all the rules of some old bible. That's like readin' 'bout today's athletics in a 1981 Sports Illustrated.

Tue Aug 07 2012

11:51 AM
The USA put a car on Mars?! Man. So money.

11:58 AM
Between the new Chrysler 300 and us puttin' a car on Mars, it looks like America is back on top of the auto industry, you guys.

12:25 PM
If we can put a car on Mars, I should be able to finish my Guy Fieri "Roadhouse" script. So inspirational. Gonna go write on the toilet.

Wed Aug 08 2012

11:59 AM
Finished up the first scene of my Roadhouse remake starring Guy Fieri. Turned out badass. Check it out, you guys: http://t.co/hFE1Mhs2

01:36 PM
Really ridin' high today off my Roadhouse script. Probably how Sly felt after he finished writin' Rocky III. Should send him a copy?

03:00 PM
Headin' to Cold One City, USA. Gonna really do it up. Got a copy of the Roadhouse script in my back pocket. Might show it to some babes.

03:03 PM
Any Babe: "What's in your pocket?" Me: "Just copy of the Roadhouse script I wrote starrin me and Guy Fieri." Any Babe: "Your place or mine?"

03:03 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Thu Aug 09 2012

11:19 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

05:24 PM
Gonna take it easy tonight. Spent most of the day snoozin' in the john. Went kinda bonkers last night. Mighta been too pumped?

05:33 PM
Brought my Roadhouse script to 'Bee's. Figured if there's any movers and shakers in town lookin' for a smash, they'd be there. And, babes.

05:38 PM
Bet the Hollywood 'Bee's is crawlin' with head honchos cuttin' deals left and right. "I'll take the Cajun Shrimp Pasta and... Rambo 6." Man.

05:42 PM
Had the Shrimp 'n Parmesan Sirloin. Succulent grilled shrimp and rich Italian cheeses atop their juicy 9oz. sirloin with garlic mashed.

05:51 PM
Insisted on a booth. (So steamed, had to wait 45 min) That's how Hollywood big shots do it. Feels like a desk. Table for 4. Seating for 1.

05:53 PM
Eatin' a big meal in a booth by yourself at 'Bee's doesn't say, "lonely," it screams, "POWER MOVES", right in your face.

05:58 PM
Musta took down 7 Mucho Margs. Chili's usually gives me the eye, but 'Bee's, man, they'll dump it down your throat and then some.

06:01 PM
Mucho Margs are like Margs, but there's "mucho." So 7 Mucho Margs is alot more Margs than 7. Didn't really have to do the math, you guys.

06:11 PM
Saw a babe with a rockin' caboose at the bar. Went to ask if she wanted to join my private booth. Crashed into a table but played it cool.

06:13 PM
Some kid started yellin' that I knocked his pop on his lap. Told his parents, "Sorry, Mucho Margs." Understandable?

06:19 PM
Did a carnal lean next to the rockin caboose babe. Said, Buy you a cold one, at my private booth? Got out my Roadhouse script. Real casual.

06:21 PM
Told her, "Oh, forgot I had this. It's just my new Roadhouse remake starrin' Guy Fieri and maybe yours truly. No big deal." Looked natural.

06:24 PM
Rockin' caboose said, "I don't know what your talking about. Guy Fieri? That gross creep from the food network?" (?!)

06:26 PM
Told the babe, "You're thinkin' of some other food guy. Guy Fieri's all man. Drives a Camaro. He's probably the #1 chef in the USA."

06:29 PM
Any babe who's not into Guy Fieri on a carnal level, isn't into men at all. That's a fact you don't have to look up, you guys.

06:34 PM
Don't remember much else except for the waitress woke me up in my private 'Bee's booth when they closed. Guess I ate too much.

Fri Aug 10 2012

12:49 PM
Man, I got that Friday fever. Where you wanna do everything, and nothing at all, all at once, you guys.

01:22 PM
Dave just called. Said he saw my Roadhouse script on the couch. Didn't believe I wrote it! Thinks it rocks. Man, smilin' so hard.

01:32 PM
Dave thinks we should have a celebraish and all read the different parts of the script. Could be a blast. Maybe invite some babes?

01:35 PM
Might really send my Roadhouse script to Sly Stallone. If Dave thinks it's on point, Sly could too. Dave's seen Cobra a thousand times.

01:40 PM
If the world won't let you in the front, go around back, kick the door down, and act like you were invited, you guys.

Sat Aug 11 2012

12:46 PM
Feels like a day to hit a dark bar, drink a thousand cold ones, fill the juke with AC/DC, and learn the true meaning of, "Thunderstruck."

Sun Aug 12 2012

08:12 PM
(?!!!)

Mon Aug 13 2012

11:52 AM
Really hurtin' today, you guys. Woke up in an alley off Fenton Rd on Sunday afternoon. Cell phone and wallet missing. Feel kinda down.

12:01 PM
Had to walk 2 miles back to the bar I remembered bein' at. So filthy and wet. Still feel achey and sick. Poundin' Diet Dew. Gotta hydrate.

12:03 PM
Lost my keys, but I had my top secret magnet key holder under the 'Bring. Technology saved the day.

12:06 PM
Guess some street animal slashed up the 'Bring's drop top. Stole my boombox. Just can't trust anyone nowadays if you own somethin' nice.

12:26 PM
Rained pretty bad in the 'Bring. Taped it shut with a trash bag. Gonna need a detailing and some repairs. It's about pride.

01:20 PM
Ann just called the WORK phone. Was steamed I didn't pick up my phone yesterday. Said I was supposed to watch the kids. Don't remember that.

01:23 PM
Told Ann, "I woke up in an alley due to unforeseen circumstances I don't remember! Maybe ask, how ya doin'? first!" So selfish.

01:33 PM
Ann still doesn't get that I have social obligations that come up unexpectedly. I can't watch the kids when I'm on call for action.

01:40 PM
Whoa. Didn't even notice my man Ken's back today! Nosey just said we're supposed to go for a couple drinks as a welcome back celebraish.

01:43 PM
When the weekend gets dangerous, it's good to have a couple casual drinks on Monday just to prove you're still under control, you guys.

Tue Aug 14 2012

12:33 PM
Sometimes a few casual drinks on Monday turn out to be more casual than expected. "Few" and "casual" are pretty relative terms, you guys.

12:46 PM
Went to 'Bee's with Nosey Lady, Vernon, and Ken for Ken's big "welcome back." No one else showed. Thought he was more popular at work.

12:51 PM
Wanted to be loose and conversational, not judged. Got to Bee's first and ordered 3 Mucho Margs. Snuck 2 in the john to crush in private.

12:55 PM
It's sad, but nowadays if you have a hearty appetite for cocktails, you have a "problem." Used to mean you just liked havin' a good time.

01:03 PM
Some corncob who works at 'Bee's came in the john. Said, "Sir you can't drink in here." Told him, "Sure can." Pounded a marg. Shut him down.

01:09 PM
Went back out to the 'Bee's bar. Ordered 1 cold one and 1 Marg so everyone'd think I was takin' it easy. Hid my other Marg behind a menu.

01:12 PM
Was worried that Nosey Lady just set it up to see if Ken had gayness. She finds out crap. So rude. Decided to control the convo for Ken.

01:18 PM
Nosey Lady was spurtin' out garbage like, "So, you look good Ken!" I know what she's up to. It's a scam. But I had his back, buddy style.

01:22 PM
Squeezed in next to Nosey and blocked her out. Told Vernon, "You ever see Ken's wife? So luscious. So thick. Body be bangin'! You'd dig it."

01:26 PM
Vernon tried to play it cool, but I could tell he was interested. Told him, "Ken's a real ladies man. Like the soul brother from the movie."

01:29 PM
Started doin' my best Ladies Man voice. It's such a classic. Never gets old. Ever.

01:35 PM
Wanted another Mucho Marg but that corncob from the john told on me. Could tell she was on my side, but had to cut me off. So steamed.

01:38 PM
Realized my wallet was gone. Told Vernon, Ken, and Nosey 'bout how I got robbed, but to spot me and I'd get 'em back with trunk liquor.

01:40 PM
Waited for everyone to rendezvous back at the 'Bring, but they never showed. Musta got smashed and forgot. Hung out for 2 hrs. Had a blast!

09:19 PM
Tryin' to watch Shark Week. They keep playin' that Miller 64 ad. So steamed. Buncha corncobs actin' like sissies who get babes. Such a load.

09:22 PM
What's the "64" in "Miller 64" stand for anyway? How many babes'll laugh in your face if they see you drinkin' that garbage in public?

Wed Aug 15 2012

12:29 PM
Haven't had time to go to the bank for a new card. All outta cash. Need a new license too. So hungry. Sick of this.

12:35 PM
Only had a mayo & burger bun sammy for lunch. Kicked it up with my own secret spices and some crushed Andy Capp Hot Fries, but still.

01:02 PM
In the USA, a man should be able to black out behind a building and not have his crap stolen by some street animal. This ain't Gypsyville.

01:25 PM
Gonna try to run over to the DMV before they close. Get a new license real quick.

Thu Aug 16 2012

12:01 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:17 PM
Never got my new license yesterday. Said I was too late and have to come back today. I was there 20 minutes early. I'm not made of time!

12:24 PM
They should just hire a buncha barnyard animals to work at the DMV. Probably get faster service.

12:26 PM
Worked on scene 2 of Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt, (starring Guy Fieri) while I waited. Man, it's off the chain.

01:35 PM
Really proud of Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt. SCENE 2. You just gotta check it out. http://t.co/pgKuW1GO

Fri Aug 17 2012

01:25 PM
Don'chu know, that you are a Friday star. And all the world will love you, just as long, as long as you are, you guys.

01:30 PM
Dave read scene 2 of Roadhouse 2012 last night. Said it sounds like the baddest ass movie ever. Told him, "Why even write anything else?"

01:33 PM
Hollywood don't always know what's best for movies. "We could make somethin' with monster trucks and chainsaws, but let's make Hope Floats."

01:35 PM
Dave asked if he could tag-team the rest of the script with me. Told him no. I ride solo, and don't need nobody's help in my spotlight.

01:42 PM
A real bad boy knows you don't water down your writing with help from others like a little girl gettin' down from the monkey bars.

01:45 PM
Wonder what kinda hats big time script writers in Hollywood wear? Gonna have to get whatever that is.

01:51 PM
Got my new license sorted out. Wouldn't let me take my pic in my Maui Jim's though. Got kinda steamed. Tried to sneak 'em on last second.

02:01 PM
Got a new bankcard too. Man, just somethin' 'bout fresh plastic that's beggin' to get rode hard & put away wet on cold ones & cocktails.

02:13 PM
WLZN. Captain Karl here on your Friday. This one goes out to all you guys headin' to Cold One City, USA. See ya there. http://t.co/Oit87nKA

Sat Aug 18 2012

10:43 AM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys. Really hurtin'. Need Gatorpagne.

12:41 PM
Stocked up heavy for the weekend last night. Dirty 30 of Busch, dozen BL 'Nums, bottle of Crown. Mostly gone. Kinda concerning?

12:51 PM
Crazy Cooter stopped by. Dave told him about the Roadhouse script. Said we should act it out. Seemed like a good idea? Kinda got outta hand.

12:57 PM
Crazy Cooter said, "I'm a f*ckin' stunt man, and I can f*ckin' act. I'm Guy Cooler." Was playin' with his knife. Blinkin alot. Didn't argue.

01:00 PM
Crazy Cooter called some babes. Said he needed "some f*ckin' tits and dumpers around if I'm was gonna get into character." Made sense.

01:01 PM
Cooter got into some hour long argument with some babe named Amber on the phone. Lives in Indiana. Don't know how she was gonna come over.

01:15 PM
No babes came over. Cooter got kinda steamed. Started poundin' the bottle of Crown. Said, "I'm gonna act the f*ck outta this sh*t."

01:17 PM
Cooter wanted to start at the "good part." Told me to go "take a fake sh*t with your chainsaw." Wasn't really focused on dialogue.

01:26 PM
Was in the john with my chainsaw. Heard Crazy Cooter smash through the window. Landed on someone's Scion. Started screamin' bad words.

01:29 PM
Crazy Cooter said, "musta cracked some f*ckin' ribs! How'm I gonna f*ck Amber!?" Didn't seem like the main concern at the time.

01:35 PM
Had to carry Cooter to the couch. Cooter drank 'til the sun came up to "make sure I don't f*ckin' die. Gotta pound the vitamin C(rown."

01:37 PM
If you still crave booze, you're probably not gonna die. It's a leisure activity. Your brain knows when it's time to go to the hospital.

Sun Aug 19 2012

02:07 PM
Crazy Cooter's still crashed out on the couch. All busted up. Looks like he dove outta the window on a Scion, 'cause he did.

Mon Aug 20 2012

01:23 PM
Crazy Cooter was still on the couch when I left for work. Startin' to smell pretty nasty. Really rankin' up the pad.

01:41 PM
When I walked out the door, Crazy Cooter just said, "Have a good day, motherf*cker." Then let out a monster beef and started dry heavin'.

01:42 PM
If you're gaggin' on your own backdoor wind, it's time to consider medical attention, you guys.

Tue Aug 21 2012

12:59 PM
Really need to do somethin' 'bout this Crazy Cooter situaish. Asked him if he needed a lift home last night. Said, "I got my f*ckin' car."

01:01 PM
Walked by the john, saw Crazy Cooter havin' carnal passions with himself with the door open. Turned around and said, "beat it, homo!"

01:05 PM
Whizzin' with the john open is cool in a guy pad, but makin' solo carnal passions is definitely a check the lock twice scenario, you guys.

01:13 PM
Crazy Cooter said he needs to crash until Amber get here from Indiana and that her "cooze'll heal his f*ckin' ribs up." (?)

01:18 PM
Cooter still hasn't bathed at all. Just emptied out a whole can of Dave's Axe body spray on himself. Pretty much just made things worse.

01:28 PM
Was enjoyin a supreme DiGiorno. Cooter sat down and sprayed the Axe. Said, "Double pits to chesty, and balls, and a-hole." Ruined my snack.

01:32 PM
Can't enjoy a supreme 'za with all the toppings when another man is next to you shootin' body spray up his backdoor, you guys.

Wed Aug 22 2012

01:58 PM
Really draggin' today. Didn't get any sleep. Crazy Cooter and Dave were up 'til 5am arguin' what Nintendo game was best. Sick of this.

02:00 PM
Crazy Cooter just kept screamin', "Man, Contra was so f*ckin' sweet." Then Dave would say, "No way. Double Dragon." Went on for hours.

02:03 PM
And, when I came home, Cooter was in the john with his underpants in the toilet, filled with soap, tryin' to flush 'em clean. So steamed.

02:05 PM
After work I have a 4 part system: 1. Open cold one. 2. Relax on toilet. 3. Drink cold one. 4. Push out the day's stress. It's KARL time.

02:08 PM
Can't live my life with Crazy Cooter's madness around. I have a regimen that's tried and true for my all business lifestyle.

02:10 PM
Might have to say somethin' to Crazy Cooter 'bout hittin' the bricks tonight. Probly should hide the knives and breakables first.

Thu Aug 23 2012

11:04 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:23 AM
Was gonna tell Crazy Cooter to hit the bricks last night but he came through with 2 $5 Hot 'N Ready's as a thank you for lettin' him crash.

11:26 AM
Sure, Cooter made Dave go get the Hot 'N Readys and paid for 'em with quarters outta my change jar, but it was a gesture.

11:30 AM
Couldn't have 'za without cold ones, so I said I'd get us a Dirty 30 of Busch. Cooter said, "Get 2. Don't queer up on the brews, Welzein."

11:37 AM
30 cold ones for 3 guys is good for a Wednesday, no matter what your sexual orientation is. Likin' peeners don't affect thirst, you guys.

11:40 AM
Crazy Cooter said, "Amber's supposed to come up from Indiana tomorrow. Gettin me ALL that slizz. Let's f*ckin' rage!" Seemed understandable?

11:43 AM
Had a dozen or so casual cold ones to be polite. Then had to crash in the 'Bring. Dave & Cooter wouldn't stop blarin' some ICP song.

11:49 AM
Went in the pad for a big 5am BM. It's the Hot 'N Ready $5 wake up call. Cooter was shavin' his peener in the kitchen with my beard trimmer.

11:54 AM
Cooter said, "Check out my f*ckin' hog! Gettin' it fat 'n nasty for Amber's face cooze!" Then barfed in the sink and started breathin hard.

11:58 AM
Pushed out my Hot 'N Ready BM and went back to the 'Bring to snooze. Gotta say somethin tonight. Cooter don't have any class. Sick of this.

Fri Aug 24 2012

03:41 PM
Spent most of the day snoozin in the john. Had a rough night. Crazy Cooter and his "slizz" Amber musta took off. Locked the door. Layin low.

03:46 PM
Came home last night, Cooter and Amber were on the couch. Cooter said, "Welzein, this is fuckin' Amber, man. Hands off, f*cker." No problem.

03:49 PM
Cooter seemed proud. Had his arm round Amber like she was primo. Might be the grossest babe I ever seen. In the mug, bod, everything really.

03:52 PM
Cooter said, "Know I said we were gonna split, but my Ma's at home bein' a f*ckin' bitch, so we're gotta use your place for a slam pad."

03:56 PM
Cooter was talkin' 'bout how "Amber's got a gaper and if she gets rocked she'll bust a spread for ya'll." It was my cue to go anywhere else.

04:00 PM
Told Dave, "Let's hit Chili's for a lil Thirstday celebraish, give these 2 some privacy." Dave said, "But she's gonna bust a spread!" Idiot.

04:07 PM
"Gaper" and "bust a spread" might be terms of carnal passions behind a car parts store, but I don't work at AutoZone, you guys.

04:11 PM
Came back from Chili's pretty bombed. Amber & Cooter were on the couch, in the nude, smokin' some weird crap. Kinda missed Ann for a second.

04:14 PM
Thought about callin' Ann, just to see what's up. Was pretty late though. Just went to sleep in the 'Bring again. Just felt kinda, bad.

04:18 PM
Gonna just take it easy. Maybe watch the Tigers and clean up the pad. Maybe get a PREMIUM sixer. Somethin' nice. Order some 'za. Relax.

04:21 PM
Don't always have to take Fridays to the limit, 'specially when you been sleepin' in your car for 2 days. Ol' homebody Karl is gonna chill!

04:36 PM
Man, I'm gonna chill so hard tonight, you guys.

07:31 PM
I'm chillin' the most, you guys.

Sat Aug 25 2012

12:58 PM
Was snoozin' after my chillin' last night when Crazy Cooter put a brick through the window. Said, "Forgot my f*ckin' key. Got locked out."

01:02 PM
Got so steamed. Told Cooter, "You don't have a key 'cause you don't live here! That's the second time you broke that window in like a week!"

01:05 PM
Cooter said, "I broke it the first time starrin in your f*ckin' movie! That's why I had to live here! I'm compensationed!" Was blinkin alot.

01:07 PM
Crazy Cooter tried climbin' in the broken window. Cut his hand pretty bad on the jagged glass. Said I "booby trapped" the pad. HE broke it!

01:22 PM
Cooter's ol' lady Amber finally said somethin', "F*ckin' tell him I'll show him my gash, Alfonso!" Alfonso?!

01:25 PM
Crazy Cooter said, "Told you not to call me that! That was my dad's name and it stays dead with that sh*tty motherf*cker!" Got real quiet.

01:28 PM
Heard Cooter start cryin' real hard. Opened the door. Saw Amber walkin' down the stairs screamin' bad words. Helped Cooter off the ground.

01:30 PM
Cleaned up Cooter's hand and got the glass out of it. Sat him on the couch. Dave came out of his room. Told him, "Sit down, Dave. Guy code."

01:35 PM
Talked with Cooter 'til daylight. Passin' 'round a 2 liter of Dew. Put on some Allman Bros. Spoke of things I won't ever speak of again.

Sun Aug 26 2012

11:55 AM
Back to back jacks by the Tigs? Man, I got that Sunday fever so hard. Might have to make a Crown & Diet. Just for sippin'.

12:07 PM
Told Cooter he could stay over one more night. Got him to take a shower and everything. Coot's pretty cool when he's just chillin'.

12:10 PM
Makin' another round of C&D's for us all. Get 'em Tigs! Feelin' good!

12:20 PM
Nothin' says, "peace be with you," like sharin' the sacred smoothness of several Sunday afternoon cocktails with some pals, you guys.

Mon Aug 27 2012

12:21 PM
Really draggin' today. Sometimes Sunday afternoon cocktails get a Friday night attitude.

12:33 PM
Crazy Cooter finally took off. Said "can't believe I crashed here all f*ckin' weekend." He came over LAST weekend! Kinda concerning.

12:55 PM
When you can't tell the difference between 2 days going by, and 10, it might be time to at least get a part time job, you guys.

01:23 PM
With Crazy Cooter gone, I'll have time to get back to work on my Roadhouse 2012 script. Priorities are important, you guys.

Tue Aug 28 2012

12:04 PM
Was fixin the broken window last night. Had it propped open, tryin to get the glaze just right. Bottle fell over. Window smashed my fingers.

12:09 PM
2 of my fingernails, well, those are gone. Other 2 look painted black like one of those weirdo vampire kids tryin' to be "different."

12:12 PM
Thought I was gonna pass out from the pain. Had to lay down on the floor. Made Dave bring me a cold cloth and some Jimmer, cowboy style.

12:15 PM
Dave said, "We don't got no washcloths! Cooter used 'em on his a-hole! How 'bout my undies?" Told him, "As long as they're clean, kimosabe."

12:20 PM
Lyin' on the floor with your fingernails smashed and another man's wet undies on your head means it's time for Jim Beam & thinkin' you guys.

12:28 PM
Wore a black leather glove on one hand over my mangled paw. Looks kinda badass? Like I'm in Motley Crue, or The Black Panthers. Both rock.

Wed Aug 29 2012

11:22 AM
Worked hard on my script last night. Pretty hard to write with my mangled paw, but scene 3 is so money. Gonna look for typos in the john.

12:03 PM
Scene 3 of Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt, starring Guy Fieri, just hit the market, you guys: http://t.co/KLnX1SFy

01:20 PM
Feelin' SO good 'bout my Roadhouse script. Might have to take off early, change my finger bandaids and have a lil' celebraish.

01:46 PM
Told work I gotta split for a business appointment. 'Cause drinkin' cold ones is my business, and business is good, you guys.

Thu Aug 30 2012

11:03 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:29 AM
Whoa. It's LABOR DAY WEEKEND????!!!!!! What the heck have I been doing?! Super pumped! Somebody gimme an AWE HELL YEAH!!!

11:34 AM
Just did the Gibby fist pump all around work. Man, can't sit still.

12:13 PM
Just realized, didn't ever get the boat out all summer. Kinda bummed. Might have to get it out this weekend and rock it. So much to do.

12:17 PM
Havin' Monday off makes work on Thursday and Friday feel even worse. Can't stand bein' in this slave cage. I got that Labor Day fever!

12:35 PM
Wonder what Stone Cold Steve Austin is doin' for Labor Day? Poundin' Steveweisers, stunnin' corncobs in suits, grillin' thick steaks. Man.

12:40 PM
Stone Cold is pretty much the #1 workin' man of all time, you guys.

Fri Aug 31 2012

11:50 AM
As a nation awaits the Labor Day weekend celebraish, I extend my hand, brother to brother, coast to coast. Happy friday to ya, you guys.

12:07 PM
Can't believe we're still at work. Can't wait to peel out and give the double middles so hard, like fists armed with freedom rockets.

12:29 PM
Wish I had 3 hands so I could give work the triple middle, one for each day of the weekend. Blazin' into the sky like rock n roll on fire.

12:47 PM
Guess they're gonna let us out at 4:30. Why not 4?! What the big difference? No one's gonna do crap anyway. Wasting MY time.

12:51 PM
Goin' to get my Discman and CDs outta the 'Bring. Sneak a lil' taste of the trunk liquor. Well, more like a BIG taste. Ha!

01:11 PM
We're live on WLZN. Here's a nasty cut from Kevin DuBrow & the boys. It's Quiet Riot, with Bang Your Head: http://t.co/sd5tXMTN

01:18 PM
All hands on deck! You're with the Captain on WLZN for your Labor Day weekend. Here's Van Halen. WLZN. Man, so thick. http://t.co/cyj1gn2N

01:24 PM
You're back with The Captain. Let's kick up the bold ear flavors with the man from Romeo, it's Kid Rock, on WLZN: http://t.co/MVJVNcoz

01:32 PM
This is the Captain, signin' off for the big 3 day celebraish. May Bob be your co-pilot. WLZN. http://t.co/PeU2Eyt4

01:32 PM
Labor Day Weekend, 2012. Let's roll, you guys.

Sat Sep 01 2012

12:50 PM
Got the boat outta storage last night!

12:50 PM
Feel like I could drink thousand beers right now, you guys.

Sun Sep 02 2012

02:13 PM
Really hurtin'. Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

02:20 PM
Woke up in the boat this mornin'. Musta really rocked it last night.

02:22 PM
Might take the boat for a spin today. Really show her off. 'Bee's, Chili's, 7-Eleven, all the hot spots.

02:24 PM
'Nothin' says, "Where's the party at?" like poundin' cold ones on a boat in a parking lot, you guys.

02:26 PM
A boat doesn't need to be in the water for you to hang out on it. The fact that it COULD be is all that really matters.

02:28 PM
When you're in the water on a boat, peepin' babes is limited. But when you're towin' a boat around town, the possibilities are endless.

Mon Sep 03 2012

03:26 PM
Had such a blast last night. Decided to cruise up with the boat to Bay City with Dave. Peeped so many Bay City babes at the Hooters.

03:29 PM
Hooters is a real destination spot for boaters everywhere. Havin' a boat in the Hooters parking lot is such a winning combination.

03:37 PM
Musta took down 18 wings AND fries. Could tell our waitress was impressed. Told her, "You're probably impressed. It's cool." Played it cool.

03:42 PM
Told our waitress, "Name's Captain Karl. Got my boat parked outside if you wanna hang with me & Dave." Then Dave ripped a hot one. Blew it.

03:45 PM
Guess Dave's rank beef was pretty thick 'cause our Hooter's babe just brought the bill and didn't say anything. Got kinda steamed.

03:47 PM
Told Dave, "Ya can't just rip nasty cuts when we got an outta town swag topped with boat!" Said he'd fix it. Started doin' the peener. Jeez.

03:52 PM
You can't just start doin the Peener after you get the bill to smooth over a ripe heater. Looks desperate and unnatural. Babes can sense it.

04:06 PM
Decided to chill in the boat in the Hooter's parkin' lot. Crank up the jams and drink some cold ones. Got some real looks!

04:10 PM
Didn't put the boat in the water. Too bombed. Wanted to be responsible so we drove home. Dave rode in the boat as a lookout for safety.

04:44 PM
Been just hangin' in the boat all day with Dave. A boat don't have to be in the water for you to be chillin' the most, you guys.

06:54 PM
Wish Labor Day weekend could last a thousand years, you guys.

07:00 PM
Still a few more hours of Labor Day weekend left. Gotta take advantage. Gonna make a batch of margs and gas it to the finish line. USA.

07:02 PM
Waste not, want not. And that includes precious time you could be sluggin' smooth cocktails before goin' back to the workweek slave cage.

Tue Sep 04 2012

12:02 PM
Jeez. Feel so crap. Nosey Lady up my ass. Hate her guts so hard.

Wed Sep 05 2012

11:16 AM
Woke up last night in the boat at work. Snuck out for a snooze break and crashed. Still towin' it around. Kinda comforting to have it there.

11:21 AM
Nosey Lady's still up everyone's behind 'bout "gettin' caught up" at work. Calm down, we had ONE day off. Slow your roll, Pig Farm.

11:29 AM
If YOU wanna work double hard after havin' a day off, then don't take a day off. The rest of us + ass = suck it. Do the math.

11:48 AM
Lookin' out the work window at my boat is such a reminder that I could be doin' somethin' better. Like, anything.

11:52 AM
Towin' a boat around everywhere isn't too good for gas milage, but it feels like a vacaish could break out at any second so it's worth it.

12:09 PM
Stuff I could be doin' right now instead of work: #1 Startin' a babe restaurant like "Hooters," called, "Beefers," but sell ribs.

12:12 PM
Stuff I could be doin' right now instead of work: #2 Headin' down to Cabo to hang with Sammy Hagar. Man.

12:14 PM
Stuff I could be doin' right now instead of work: #3 Smashin' a buncha old toilets at the dump with a sledgehammer. Sounds kinda cool?

12:17 PM
Stuff I could be doin' right now instead of work: #3 Gettin' my bod jacked to perfection.

12:23 PM
Stuff I could be doin' right now instead of work: #5 Workin' on scene 4 of my Hollywood Guy Fieri Roadhouse movie script. $$$

12:26 PM
Stuff I could be doin' right now instead of work: #6 Writin' a self help memoir, "Power Moves," to help other's selves.

12:35 PM
Stuff I could be doin' right now instead of work: #7 Remodelin' the john at the pad in a Lions motif. Maybe put in a tv and mini fridge.

12:41 PM
Stuff I could be doin' right now instead of work: #8, 9, 10 Helicopter lessons or readin' Penthouse or drinkin' cold ones. Sick of this.

Thu Sep 06 2012

11:20 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

05:18 PM
Finally in Cold One City. Nosey Lady said we all had to stay LATE today to "catch up" from Monday off. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS, YUCK MOUTH!

05:23 PM
Nosey Lady was so far up my ass today I asked her if she could taste what I had for lunch. Didn't get it. Dumb sow. (I had Arb's)

05:25 PM
Wanted to choke out Nosey Lady so hard. But, ya gotta respect the ladies, you guys. Even the pieces of trash.

05:37 PM
Sometimes, after a bad day, you just gotta rip cold ones and let "Simple Man" bring the angry waters up high enough to beat 'em back down.

06:35 PM
Man, I should just quit work. Start doin' MY thing, you guys.

07:02 PM
Gonna go hang out in the boat in the parkin' lot. Slip Whitenake's "Slide It In" tape in the Pioneer and let it roll like a babe bug light.

Fri Sep 07 2012

11:07 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Woke up in the boat this mornin'. Guess the battery died from leavin' the Whitesnake on. Really rocked it!

11:14 AM
Couldn't stand to go to work and take anymore crap. Stayin' home to focus on my Roadhouse script, get a boat battery, etc. Gotta prioritize.

11:16 AM
Called work and straight up told Nosey Lady I had a case of the "mega D." It was a real power move.

11:31 AM
Had Arb's yesterday so technically, I wasn't lyin' about havin' "mega D." I don't, but it's not really a lie if it could be true, you guys.

11:33 AM
Told Nosey Lady to keep my D situaish "private and confidential." Used a mysterious voice to appeal to her feminine side.

11:36 AM
If you're tellin' a lie (only for good), make it sound like a secret, so that idiot wants to believe it even more and feel special.

Sat Sep 08 2012

12:50 PM
My bro Al came through to watch the State game. Haven't seen him in a while. Kinda lost touch. Guess he's been busy. I've been busy too.

12:52 PM
Whenever someone says, "I've been busy," I like to say, "Me too. Well, I've been GETTIN' busy. With babes." Then give 'em the guy code wink.

12:57 PM
Poured a couple shotskis of Crown for me, Dave, & Al. Al said, "Maybe we should just take it easy." Think somethin's up. Kinda concerning.

01:08 PM
If a guy won't do a shot to start a celebraish, there's only 2 possible reasons: #1 Probably their wife or some crap, and #2 Other stuff.

01:12 PM
Might have to have a talk with Al in the boat later. Guy to guy. Gonna have a few more C&D's to get loose and conversational.

09:35 PM
Man, so getin bombed with al. he siad needied to pull it back buck man the welzeinn boys anre back in town!

Sun Sep 09 2012

01:03 PM
Forgot the Lions game was on! Gotta get caught up.

01:04 PM
!!!

01:11 PM
DETROIT LIONS!!!! DETROIT LIONS!!! DETROIT LIONS!!! DETROIT LIONS!!! DETROIT LIONS, YOU GUYS!!!!

01:15 PM
Feels like I'm in a dream right now. So out of it. Super pumped. Felt like crap, but now, not crap! 1-0!!! WOOOO!!!! COLD ONE TIME!!!

01:17 PM
What if I never turned on the game? Would Detroit have still won? Man, this is deep. Guess we'll never know.

01:18 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now.

Mon Sep 10 2012

09:51 AM
Woke up in the boat again this mornin'. Was freezin'. Don't remember much after the Lions won. Don't remember much on Saturday night either.

09:55 AM
Saturday night bro Al wanted to have a talk 'bout me "gettin' it together." Told him, "I got a 'rang, rockin' pony, babes...

09:56 AM
...from coast to coast, I'm workin' on a film script, and I got 2 handles of Crown. I'm as together as a hot PB&J."

10:03 AM
Told him, "I been sleepin' here in the boat in the parkin' lot, bro. I'm better than I've ever been."

10:05 AM
Guess Al's wife don't like me hangin' out with him. Thinks I'm a bad influence. Ha! 'Nothin wrong with a bad boy rep, you guys.

10:09 AM
Al said Ann asked if he'd stop by to check on me. Was worried. Said I "could be dead for days and she'd never know." Someone sounds lonely.

10:13 AM
Ended up gettin' pretty smashed with Al. Then we decided to head out, Welzein Bad Boy style. Then...I...don't know what then. (?)

10:14 AM
I gotta call Al. Crap crap crap! How'd I lose my bro?! Man.

08:05 PM
My bro Al finally got back to me tonight. Guess things got kinda out of hand. He spent Saturday and Sunday in jail. His wife's real steamed.

08:11 PM
Al said we were bombed, hangin' in The Bell parkin' lot. I was standin' on the hood of his car, doin' the Slow Peener to Night Moves.

08:15 PM
The Slow Peener is like The Peener, but reserved for songs like Night Moves. It has a real "come hither" appeal during smooth macho jams.

08:20 PM
Guess the cops pulled up and put the spot on me. Thought it was some babes with a flashlight. Started thrustin' extra smooth and carnal.

08:21 PM
Al was holdin' a handle of Crown in the driver's seat. Cops hauled him in and let Dave come pick me up. Dave never mentioned this?!

08:24 PM
'Cause it was Saturday, they made Al stay locked up 'til Monday. So stupid. Don't arrest someone if they can't get out in a timely fashion!

08:27 PM
Asked Dave why he never brought up that Al got arrested?! He said "Well, YOU didn't. Thought it was family stuff." I was blacked out! Idiot.

08:37 PM
Al said we can't hang anymore. His wife says I'm, "a loser and bring him down." He said he doesn't think that, but... Got kinda choked up.

08:40 PM
Told Al, "Bro?" He said, I gotta go Karl.

08:40 PM
Super bummed, you guys.

Tue Sep 11 2012

12:03 PM
So steamed at Al's wife. We can't hang out 'cause she's got a problem with me? The cops arrested him, not me. I can't control the law.

12:06 PM
Hardly ever saw Al's wife anyway. She never even got to hang with the new, Ann-less, Karl. I'm good times, not the bring down Ann made me.

12:22 PM
Nosey Lady's out sick today. She's so lazy. Gotta take advantage. Gonna work on my script in the boat and catch a snooze.

12:24 PM
Man, just thinkin' 'bout Nosey Lady at home, crappin' her guts out or worse...might be the first time I've smiled since yesterday.

12:28 PM
I mean, I don't wanna "picture" Nosey Lady takin' a flu crap, I ain't some Euro BM-sex weirdo, but KNOWIN' it might be happenin' is so boss.

12:56 PM
Holy crap. It's 9/11. Almost forgot the one thing you're supposed to never forget.

12:57 PM
Happy Patriot Day, you guys. (respectfully)

01:05 PM
Leavin' work for some Patriot Day cold ones at 'Bee's. Can't appreciate the beauty of America cooped in the work slave cage, you guys.

Wed Sep 12 2012

11:46 AM
Got pretty bombed at 'Bee's for Patriot Day. (respectfully) Took down a pile of Mucho Margs. Had to get it on for freedom.

11:50 AM
When you're drinkin' margs, there's only 2 numerical amounts to consume, you guys: "enough" or "more."

11:55 AM
Tried to get a "Never Forget" chant goin' at 'Bee's. No one'd join in. Guess some people think they're "too cool" for the USA. Kinda sad.

12:00 PM
If you think it's "uncool" to love America, why don't you go see how "cool" it is to live in a country that doesn't have toilets or pizza.

12:16 PM
In the USA, Van Halen on the radio at least once an hour, a whole 'za is $5, and Stone Cold Steve Austin lives here. Other countries? No.

12:18 PM
In the USA, Seger and Springsteen write songs about it, they still make Camaros, and High Life is always on sale. Other countries? No.

12:24 PM
And in the USA, you can peep chest beefers, 24/7, Taco Bell is probably open, and football is probably on. America's got my vote, you guys.

12:38 PM
'Nothin wrong with some constructive criticism 'bout America. But some corncobs just forget to ever say anything good about it.

Thu Sep 13 2012

11:00 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

04:42 PM
Been tryin' to work on my Roadhouse script all day. Couldn't get 'nothin done 'cause they're redoin the men's john. Notice woulda been nice.

04:49 PM
Guys have to share the ladies room for a few days. Real nightmare situaish in the BM dept. Kept a #1 & beefs only policy. Terrible.

04:51 PM
If you're gonna remodel the men's john at work, give everyone a heads up so they can double grunt in the AM. That's just good manners.

04:57 PM
Woulda liked to give my input on the new work john. I'm kinda the "style guy." Want good taste? Karl's got the bold fashion flavors.

05:03 PM
Might bring some decor to work for the new john. Got a badass vintage Bud Dry mirror. It's probably worth a ton, but I'm glad to pitch in.

05:17 PM
Can't focus on my script. Tigs are delayed so Dave's watchin' Tango & Cash real loud. Idiot. We just watched it twice last night.

05:25 PM
When I want peace and quiet, the only sounds I wanna hear is "psht" when I crack one and "clink" when I set it down.

05:26 PM
Gonna pack up my sixer cooler and hit a coffee place. Hear that's what writers do. Who knows, could hook up with a script babe?

Fri Sep 14 2012

12:31 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Gotta take advantage. Every Friday is the first Friday of the only Fridays left for the rest of your life.

12:44 PM
Hit up Starbucks last night to get in the writin' zone, Hollywood style. Wasn't really any babes. Just a couple sad clowns on computers.

12:48 PM
Brought my sixer to Starbucks. After I already had 2, worker said I "couldn't drink those in here." Told him, it's cool, they're premium.

12:50 PM
I can understand Starbucks not wantin' you to drink cans of Natty Ice in the store, but I was drinkin' Sam Adams. I'm not some animal.

12:54 PM
Ordered a small black coffee and poured it out in the trash. Filled it up with Sam Adams. They should just sell those in the first place.

12:59 PM
Starbucks worker said, "Sir, I can see what you're doing." Told him, "Look the other way then, kimosabe. My Starbucks cup, MY beverage."

01:02 PM
Worker said, "Sir, if you don't stop I'll have to call the cops." For drinkin' a BEER in Starbucks? You can't just make up rules. Idiot.

01:04 PM
Decided to play it safe and went to finish my cold ones and write in the Starbucks parkin' lot. It's a cooler hangout anyway.

01:07 PM
If Starbucks wants you hangin' out INSIDE, they need to sell cold ones. Otherwise, I'll in the lot, doin' MY thing.

01:15 PM
If you work at Starbucks and a guy is drinkin' a beer, first thing you say shouldn't be, "you can't do that." It should be, "got an extra?"

01:29 PM
Starbucks acts like they're so fancy. You sell hot black water and muffins. Calm down.

01:37 PM
Starbucks wants to act like they're a library. So if I wanna drink booze in there and whizz on the toilet seat, that's my American right.

01:52 PM
Almost time for my 5pm BM and the guys john is still outta commission. Don't think I clench it again today. Arb's was a mistake.

02:00 PM
Man, the combo of Arb's lunch and just THINKIN' 'bout Starbucks makes my backdoor wanna explode with the heat of a thousand suns, you guys.

Sat Sep 15 2012

04:50 PM
Man, really chillin' hard right now, you guys.

09:49 PM
Sometimes, in the blink of an eye, "chillin with few cold ones" turns into, "layin on the lawn, regrettin that you never owned a Trans-Am."

09:53 PM
Stars were so bright tonight. Like the Big Man said, "go on, take a toke of the green, knowwhatImean?" Ha! Man, so high.

09:54 PM
So on weed now, you guys.

10:03 PM
Guess Dave got some weed from Crazy Cooter. Doesn't feel like "weed," feels like, "drugs." So money. Wanna be like this forever.

10:05 PM
If it's just "weed", not "drugs", you can't die from it, right? Arms don't feel like arms, you guys.

10:09 PM
Remember Ernest P. Worrell? Man, they don't make 'em like that anymore, you guys.Gonna watch "Ernest Goes To Camp" now. Got the VHS.

10:19 PM
Thing about bein' high on marijuana is, it ain't about the weed that you're on, it's about the you, that's on the weed, you guys.

10:38 PM
I'M THE BEST IN THE WORLD, YOU GUYS. So money. So badass. Feel like I could bench press a thousand tractors.

10:42 PM
Callin' Ann. Tellin' her how she missed out on The President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. WOOOOOO!!!!!

10:50 PM
Gonna try to sync up Ozzy's "No More Tears" album with "Ernest Goes To Camp" Seems like a winning combination.

10:53 PM
If you watch Ernest Goes To Camp with the sound off, and Ozzy's "Time After Time" blaring, your life's on point. Don't like that? Suck it.

10:58 PM
Ann won't answer. Looks like 20 more phone calls + barnyard noises = IN YOUR FACE. Goin' out in the boat to chill the most.

Sun Sep 16 2012

04:45 PM
Super pumped for the Lions game, you guys.

05:23 PM
Man, this babe is so smokin', you guys.

05:28 PM
Ann just rang. Said I called like 30 times last night at 3am. She's so inconsiderate. The LIONS are on. Reminded me why we broke up.

05:31 PM
Dave said if I took care of the booze, he'd make the 'chos. Got us a couple dozen BL 'Nums. Lions blue lightning!

07:02 PM
Kinda bummed the Lions are losin', but Dave started makin' some 'chos. Any good rally starts with halftime 'chos, you guys.

07:18 PM
Dave just brought out the 'chos. Half a bag of busted chips with Fire Sauce packets and melted American. Well done, Chef Dave. Idiot.

07:21 PM
Told Dave, we need PREMIUM 'chos to rally, not Po' 'Chos. "Dave said, these ARE premium. I saved Fire Sauce packets for a week!" So steamed.

08:19 PM
Friggin' Dave with his Po' Chos. Winners have tomates, steak, sour cream, and 3 kinds of cheese on their 'chos! So sick of this.

08:22 PM
I'M TAKIN' THE REST OF THE BL 'NUMS AND DRINKIN' 'EM IN THE BOAT! Really steamed. Can't have 'nothin'.

Mon Sep 17 2012

11:32 AM
Really hurtin'. Shouldn't have to work today. Sunday Night Football means; someone lost, someone won, everyone feels like a garbage bucket.

11:34 AM
The Lions LOST. What am I supposed to do? NOT pound a thousand BL 'Nums and pass out in the boat? Gotta have pride in your team.

11:44 AM
They're still remodelin' the men's john. No where to crash out and relax. Such a disaster. Just need a cold toilet and a snooze.

Tue Sep 18 2012

11:21 AM
They're still not done remodelin' the men's john. So sick of this. No way this is legal. Make the bowls flush and call it a day.

11:26 AM
I can't be expected to perform my job at 100% when all I can think about is how my BMs are piled up like a car crash. I need traffic flow.

11:28 AM
A man's BM schedule is important. In the morning, I "take the 8:15 into the city." And "if the train's on time, I can get to work by 9."

11:54 AM
Guys workin' on the men's john already took off for the day. So lazy. Might have to go in there and get to work, like Holmes on Homes.

11:57 AM
Goin' to get my Bud Dry mirror out of the 'Bring. Hangin' that bad boy up first. Probably need to take my shirt off. Get the job done right.

Wed Sep 19 2012

11:45 AM
Had a few issues yesterday helpin' out with the work john remodelin'. Hung up my Bud Dry mirror just fine though. Looks so money.

11:47 AM
Once you hang a Bud Dry mirror in the john, you wonder how you ever enjoyed the restroom without one, you guys.

12:00 PM
Decided to get down and dirty and put some tile down on the john floor. Wasn't too straight, but showed alot of rustic charm.

12:02 PM
Looked like the workers were tryin' to take out some drywall, so I got nasty on a mini sledge like a one man wrecking machine.

12:06 PM
Had my shirt off, bad boy style. When a real man is workin' hard, wearin' a shirt makes as much sense as an elephant wearin' cowboy boots.

12:08 PM
Guess all that sledge slammin' got my stool loose. Didn't have time for consideration and the toilet seemed fine, so I got it on, pronto.

12:12 PM
Nosey Lady came bustin' in the men's john sayin', "What's all that racket in here?" I was mid grunt, and almost fell off the bowl.

12:15 PM
No shirt, sweaty, pushin' out a stinky, and covered in drywall is no way you want a gal to find you , even if they're a grossout, you guys.

12:18 PM
But, no shirt, sweaty, and covered in drywall is THE way to guarantee a babe gets hot 'n ready, ASAP. That's just a carnal fact.

12:21 PM
Nosey Lady screamed, "Oh my god! Karl what are you doing?!" I was takin' a crap and doin' construction. Pretty obvious. Dumb sow.

12:44 PM
Nosey Lady made me have a "talk" with her this morning. So stupid and unnecessary. "Talks" are always one sided.

12:46 PM
Nosey said, "Why would you think it was ok to use the men's room when it was bein' renovated?" 'Cause I'm all man, 24/7, 365.

12:49 PM
Can't crap in the men's room. Can't crap by the dumpster. Am I supposed to crap in my car? I mean, I've done it, but it's not ideal.

12:52 PM
Nosey Lady said, "I swear Karl, sometimes it seems like you lose touch with reality." That's just 'cause I'm trying to reach the sky.

12:54 PM
If someone says, "you've lost touch with reality," they're just jealous that you're livin' the dream, you guys.

Thu Sep 20 2012

11:20 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:58 PM
Bustin' my buns tryin' to get my Roadhouse script finished today. Everyone's always up in my business. Sick of this. Goin' in the boat.

Fri Sep 21 2012

11:38 AM
ROADHOUSE 2012: PAIN STILL DON'T HURT (starring Guy Fieri) script is done! Time for a Friday celebraish, you guys. http://t.co/eC6eLli9

Sat Sep 22 2012

07:37 PM
Spent the whole day snoozin', couple cold ones, more snoozin', football, 'chos, cold ones, football, 'za, cold ones. Fall rocks, you guys.

Sun Sep 23 2012

11:36 AM
Sick of this. I didn't buy this expensive badass Suh jersey for nothin'. Don't remember orderin' it, musta been bombed, but it's so money.

Mon Sep 24 2012

11:03 AM
Really hurtin'. Drank a thousand beers after the Lions game yesterday. My anger was unquenchable. Was the definition of a "mean thirst."

11:09 AM
Sometimes, crap's just not fair. And when you're a Detroit Lions fan, crap's been just not fair forever and then some. Sick of this.

11:13 AM
Nosey Lady asked why I seemed down today. Told her, "Lions." Nosey said, "Oh Karl it's not like you're on the team." Had to go outside.

11:22 AM
Football is an American tradish. So pride in your team is pride in your part of the USA. Gotta take care of own backyard, you guys.

11:36 AM
Feel bad for folks who don't like watchin' Sunday football. You can only spend so much time shoppin' at Target, searchin' for a soul.

11:46 AM
Football might make you angry, happy, sad, or super pumped. But at least you feel somethin', together, with the USA. Kinda beautiful.

11:52 AM
The country's not perfect right now, so if the USA can bond over the NFL, cold ones, and Erin Andrews, it's a pretty good option, you guys.

09:05 PM
If I was a Packer fan, my TV would be smashed in about a thousand pieces, you guys. Man.

09:36 PM
Neighbor Guy must be from Wisconsin. Threw a coffee table off his balcony. Usin' lotsa bad words like Crazy Cooter. Kid's cryin'. Whoa.

09:43 PM
Goin' over to Neighbor Guy's with some cold ones. See if he wants to have a guy to guy 'bout the game. Heard a few more smashy noises.

09:44 PM
Wish I owned a TV store in Wisconsin tomorrow, you guys.

09:50 PM
Gonna bring Neighbor Guy some Crown too. There is some serious crap goin' on over there. And Crown is for a convo bout crap that's serious.

Tue Sep 25 2012

11:21 AM
Went over to Neighbor Guy's about the ruckus after the game last night. Thought I could calm the hot violence with some cold ones.

11:24 AM
Pounded on Neighbor Guy's door for a while, which was 2 cold ones worth. He came to the door, lookin' pretty fried. Had a bat with him.

11:28 AM
Said, "Hey kimosabe, heard you destroyin' all your personal property. Guess it's 'cause of the Packer game. Wanna have a guy to guy?"

11:31 AM
Neighbor Guy said, "They're gonna come for me! I'm so f*cked! Get the f*ck outta here." Kinda concerning.

11:33 AM
Said, "Don't know who's comin' to get ya, but it's pretty late for that. Never too late for a cold one though." Showed him the cold ones.

11:37 AM
Neighbor Guy said, "I don't need a cold one! I need 3 grand or they're gonna break my arm!" Sounds like that'd be THE time for a cold one.

11:46 AM
Neighbor Guy started yellin 'bout how "the bullsh*t refs cost him everything and were gonna get him killed." Decided I should hit the sack.

11:57 AM
Hope Neighbor Guy and his kid aren't murdered or some crap when I get home. Can be livin' in a crime scene. Scares off the babes, you guys.

Wed Sep 26 2012

11:39 AM
Came home last night and looked like Neighbor Guy hit the bricks. Musta really owed some serious bread. Maybe to the goombahs?

11:43 AM
Heard alot of italiano restaurants are just a front for gambling. Always got a weird vibe at that one Hungry Howie's.

11:48 AM
Dave said Olive Garden is havin' some money issues. Wonder if they're just a gambling front too? Folks can't trust a bet with these refs.

12:00 PM
I'm not sayin' Olive Garden is mobbed up, but I have seen some weird convos at the pay phone by the john. Goombahs love payphones.

01:00 PM
Bet with all the guido buffoons makin' italians look stupid on tv, they really appreciate a classy hero like Guy Fieri, you guys.

Thu Sep 27 2012

11:00 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:28 PM
Last night, Dave noticed Neighbor Guy hit the bricks and left his door unlocked. Scored half a box of Little Debbie Nutty Bars. Fine eatin'.

12:30 PM
Funny how if Little Debbie's were free, I'd probably buy 'em all the time, you guys.

12:33 PM
Could be awhile 'til the landlord knows Neighbor Guy moved out. Might have to make his place into the private party pad. So money.

12:36 PM
When you have 2 pads; one for livin', and one for rockin' celebraishes, babes know you're successful, yet responsible.

12:39 PM
Told Dave we should hook up Neighbor Guy's abandoned apt. with a bar, coolers for cold ones, a boom box. The works, really. Full spread.

12:43 PM
Neighbor Guy left his kid's fire truck bed too. Gotta flip the mattress (pee), but could be cool for "emergency" carnal passions?

12:51 PM
Thinkin' 'bout callin' Neighbor Guy's abandoned apt: "The K-Money Club." Gonna make a badass sign for the grand opening.

12:53 PM
Who knows? The K-Money Club could be a smash hit? Start small, then get investors for expansion to a place that doesn't involve squatting.

01:13 PM
Can't wait to get home and start on plans for The K-Money Club. If the guy's john wasn't still broken. I'd get on it right now.

01:15 PM
If I can probably get a full on smash hit club started in an abandoned apt. in 2 days, how can they not fix the work toilet in 2 WEEKS?

Fri Sep 28 2012

11:01 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:29 AM
Worked on plans for The K-Money Club last night. Could be the hottest night spot the Flint area's ever seen.

11:34 AM
Picked up a new boom box. The K-Money Club deserves to have the finest technology in rockin' sound. http://t.co/5JRCDRvL

11:43 AM
Had to work up a list of rules for The K-Money Club. It's important for keepin' out undesirables and below par babes lookin' for charity.

11:49 AM
K-Money Club Rule #1: Shirts are optional after 10pm. We're all adults here, let's keep it mature and consensual into the night.

11:53 AM
K-Money Club Rule #2: The fire truck bed in "The Passions Room" has a 6 person limit due to Federal Safety Laws.

11:56 AM
K-Money Club Rule #3: 9 Drink Minimum. (stops people from comin' & goin' and gettin' into trouble on the streets)

11:59 AM
K-Money Club Rule #4: No one touches the boom box xPlod sound system except for The Captain. No one wants to hear your "new" crap music.

12:05 PM
K-Money Club Rule #5: Free slice of Hot 'n Ready 'za for patrons before 9pm. (could snag some of the dinner crowd?)

12:12 PM
K-Money Club Rule #6: No log jammin' in the john. Squirts only. Be a professional and grunt out a premie at your own pad.

12:16 PM
K-Money Club Rule #6 (pt2): If you're a smokin' babe that's gotta crap, management may let you push it out in a supervised private john.

12:58 PM
Gonna have a soft open with Dave for The K-Money Club tonight. See how it goes and add on some rules after. Super pumped!

01:13 PM
In America, sometimes all it takes is a great idea, some abandoned property, a boombox & some booze. Then it's on, you guys.

Sat Sep 29 2012

12:48 PM
Had a great soft open for The K-Money Club last night. Musta drank a thousand beers. Got the xPlod sound system just right: crankin'.

12:53 PM
Bringin' the flat screen down to The K-Money Club to watch the State game. Then, rockin' on into the night. Gettin' 20 $5 Hot 'n Readys.

Sun Sep 30 2012

10:25 PM
Just finally got the rest of Crazy Cooter's friends out of The K-Money Club. Got kinda out of hand. Might need some more rules.

10:27 PM
Just 'cause I open a bar in an abandoned apartment, doesn't mean it's a full service 24/7 drug den. Some people have zero class.

10:29 PM
All Crazy Cooter's pals just drank all the booze and ate all the 'za and didn't pay for 'nothin. I'm tryin' to run a business!

10:32 PM
No one even listened to the "no log jammin" rule in the john at all. Filled the bowl to the brim with nasty steamers and TP. Nightmare.

10:34 PM
Looked like some people started makin' the tub into a backup toilet. All sprayed with whizz, doo doo, and puke. Animals. Just animals.

10:41 PM
I gotta hit the sack. Dave's not helpin' clean up. Passed out with a blue FlaVor Ice in his mouth like nothin's wrong. We could go to jail!

Mon Oct 01 2012

11:13 AM
Really hurtin'. Don't wanna be at work right now. I'd rather be in a dumpster or anywhere else. Hmm. That might make a good country song?

11:27 AM
Crazy Cooter and his buddies came by Saturday night and some stayed 'til after 1am on Sunday night at The K-Money Club. Kinda rude.

11:32 AM
I mean, I'm no stranger to afties. That's when babes get loose and conversational. But afties can't last almost 24hrs. Gotta wash your pits.

11:35 AM
Remember on Saturday night, Cooter gettin' some of his garbage pail gals into the Passions Room for a "fire truck bed HJ contest."

11:44 AM
Cooter said, "Hey Welzein, you want your f*ckin' meat stroked by Rat Face or Biggie Smalls in the fire truck bed?" Not very enticing.

11:47 AM
Neither, "Rat Face" nor "Biggie Smalls" are very flattering names for babes. Accurate? Yes. Carnally alluring? No.

11:53 AM
Crazy Cooter, Bean Tooth, Rat Face & Biggie Smalls took the boombox in the Passions Room, blared Nickelback's "Rockstar," & got disgusting.

12:01 PM
After a few minutes, Crazy Cooter and Bean Tooth came out the room. Cooter told Bean Tooth, "Rockin' bust, bro. Boss f*ckin' load." Jeez.

12:03 PM
Who has an "HJ contest?!" Maybe if you're in a band like Bad Company, but The K-Money Club is supposed to be sophisticated.

12:07 PM
Cooter said, "You sure you don't want a beat down? Biggie Smalls gots strong f*ckin' hands. Beefy & soft." Dave ran in and slammed the door.

12:10 PM
Dave musta stayed in the Passions Room for a half hour. Said he made out with Biggie Smalls the whole time. Didn't even get an HJ. Idiot.

12:12 PM
Dave walked around The K-Money Club the rest of the night with Biggie Smalls, holdin' hands. She just HJ'd Bean Tooth!

12:23 PM
I don't want an HJ in a "contest" with some garbage pail gals. Should be one on one carnally, in a private car. Show some class.

12:26 PM
The K-Money Club is such a nightmare. Everything is covered in barf. People whizzed in the living room. Might be closed for renovations.

12:30 PM
'Bout 5am Saturday, I remember Cooter just kickin' in drywall to some .38 Special and I decided, the reigns were no longer mine.

12:34 PM
Sometimes, you try to put out the fire, and sometimes, you gotta know when to pack up your hose and let it burn, you guys.

Tue Oct 02 2012

11:11 AM
Super pumped for the Tigers big win. Musta drank a thousand beers last night. For Miggy, Papa Grande, Jimmy L., everyone really. So proud.

11:17 AM
Brought a 12 of Stroh's to work. Thought we could toast the Tigers together. Maybe start a little tradish? Nosey Lady said absolutely not.

11:20 AM
So disappointed. I try to do nice things like get everyone to bond at work, over cold ones during work, MY TREAT, and I get crapped on.

11:24 AM
What if Austin Jackson, Prince, and Verlander stopped by work and we weren't drinkin' cold ones, havin' a celebraish? Be so disappointed.

11:30 AM
I've your team wins somethin' big, you should be able to drink booze at work the next day. Needs to be a USA law, you guys.

11:57 AM
Bet everyone at Little Caesar's is drinkin' today. Deliverin' 'za, slammin' cold ones. Wish I worked at Little Caesar's. Could be a blast?

12:10 PM
If I worked at Little Caesar's, I could probably be the #1 driver in America. Hangin' with babes on stops, gettin' parties started. Man.

12:13 PM
I JUST WANNA DRINK AT WORK AND MAYBE HAVE A JOB AT LITTLE CAESAR'S IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK!? Sick of this. So frustrating.

12:17 PM
I could be the first and only official Hot 'N Ready driver. "You want it Hot 'N Ready at your door? You call 5 Dollar Karl."

12:21 PM
2 babes: "Where'd you get that Hot 'n Ready pie?" "5 Dollar Karl. He's on point." Me: (Tip shades, peel out.) Be a rockin' commercial.

12:25 PM
Goin' to drink some Stroh's in the 'Bring. It's so hard to be a big idea man when you're locked in the work slave cage. Feelin' down.

Wed Oct 03 2012

02:54 PM
Heard in the news that my man Guy Fieri opened up a new 'rant in The Big Apple?! Supposed to be rockin', and breakin' all the rules.

02:58 PM
Wonder if Guy Fieri needs a hand in the kitchen? Sounds like a big place. Might send in some ideas. I got a few that are off the chain.

03:01 PM
Was thinkin' 'bout startin' my own guerilla style delivery service for Hot 'N Ready 'za, but helpin' out Guy Fieri in NYC is more important.

03:05 PM
Who knows, maybe if Guy thinks my 'rant ideas are money, then I could show him the Roadhouse 2012 script? Winner, winner.

Thu Oct 04 2012

12:57 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

01:00 PM
Really hurtin'. Stayed up late with Dave sippin' a new drink called "The Miggy." 3 shots of Crown. Plenty of ice.

01:04 PM
Everyone at work keeps askin' if I watched "the debate." No. I was drinkin' like a damn pround American 'cause a man won the Triple Crown.

01:11 PM
The last Triple Crown winner was in '67. Politicians argue on tv every day. Do the math for which one I don't give a hot crap about.

01:18 PM
Everyone's either gonna vote for the white guy or the brother. No need to hear 'em talk a buncha boloney back and forth to figure it out.

01:31 PM
Just gonna write in, Springsteen/Seger 2012, on my ballot. And sign it on behalf of the USA, you guys.

Fri Oct 05 2012

11:50 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:52 AM
Worked real hard last night on some app ideas for Guy Fieri's new NYC spot. Man, if he could just get a peek at how on point they are.

11:55 AM
If Guy Fieri had kitchen help, maybe he could do Roadhouse 2012? Put my recipes on Craigslist. Hope he checks it. http://t.co/pBzK4A12

Sat Oct 06 2012

12:39 PM
Dave keeps walkin' 'round the pad singin' some crap about how he has, "boobs like Jagger." Idiot.

02:41 PM
Great. Now I have the "boobs like Jagger" song stuck in my head. So steamed at Dave.

03:54 PM
I got the boobs like Jagger, I got the boobs like Jagger, I got the boo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oobs like Jagger.

03:56 PM
SICK OF HAVIN' THIS DAMN SONG IN MY HEAD! TRYIN' TO WATCH THE TIGERS! Gonna drink it outta my head. Poundin' BL Nums like blue lightning.

07:15 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Sun Oct 07 2012

12:43 PM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys. Gonna reset the odometer for my man Don Kelly. Go Tigs! Woooooooo!

01:16 PM
It's just a natural fact that babes from all around the world dig a Tigers man, you guys.

01:23 PM
Told Dave we should head down to Detroit. It's just an hour. Bet the Detroit bar babes are flashin' chest beefers left and right.

01:27 PM
If your team's rockin', and the gal fans are whippin' out celebraish beefers, you take the cold ones to go and put the pedal to he metal.

01:29 PM
Detroit babes are off the chain, you guys.

Mon Oct 08 2012

12:40 PM
Woke up in a White Castle parking lot in Detroit with Dave this morning. Top down on the 'Bring. Kinda concerning.

12:45 PM
Nothin like a Sunday night Jack & Diet binge to make you feel like you have all the answers, leading to a stack of Monday mornin questions.

12:52 PM
Me and Dave each got 2 Crave Cases. Put 'em on our laps to warm up our peeners & thighs. It's an old hobo tip from the streets.

01:24 PM
Think me and Dave went to Cheli's Chili Bar. Last thing I remember is screamin', "Show me the beefers!" Pretty cool?

01:39 PM
Looks like I texted Ann a bunch last night. "Get ready for the bad boy to rock your passions carnally all night long." Jeez.

01:41 PM
Also texted Ann, "Babe, I got the boobs like Jagger. Let me get those chest beefers 'cause I know the score." Really out of control.

01:42 PM
Last text to Ann was, "Kiss at my peernr oh no you want it real bad let's make it." Not my usual smoothness.

01:51 PM
Had to take the day off. Feel like a pile of hot garbage in the rain. Sippin' Bud Lights. Peener is so dehydrated. Looks terrible.

02:03 PM
Shouldn't of eaten 2 Crave Cases. I got the 'rrhea like Jagger.

02:04 PM
Man. So much 'rrhea, you guys.

05:46 PM
Man, 2 White Castle Crave Cases for breakfast really has my backdoor singin' the low and slow blues.

Tue Oct 09 2012

12:27 PM
Worked up some money entrees for Guy Fieri yesterday when I was tied up with nasty 'rrhea in the john. http://t.co/7B40A58Y

Wed Oct 10 2012

12:28 PM
Sick of this. NO ONE'S gotten back about my Roadhouse 2012 script. NO ONE cares about my Guy Fieri menu. Tigers lost. So steamed.

12:31 PM
AND I noticed the construction guys broke my Bud Dry mirror and put it in the trash. It was VINTAGE! Gonna lose my crap here.

12:37 PM
I don't know why I even try to do cool stuff. I guess I should just take a crap forever 'til I grunt out what's left of my soul.

12:54 PM
If the world wants to flush you down the toilet, just be the king of the sewer, you guys.

10:01 PM
Goddamnit, you guys.

10:07 PM
I...I just can't. So sick of this. Sick of everything. SO STEAMED!!! MOTHERFUCKER GODDAMNIT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!

10:09 PM
CAN'T HAVE NOTHIN'! CAN"T HAVE NOTHIN' NICE FOR KARL! MMMRRRAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Thu Oct 11 2012

11:15 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:34 AM
Went bonkers last night after the Tigers lost. Threw a trash can at my windshield. Wasn't thinkin' clearly. Now, not seein' clearly either.

11:41 AM
Had to drive to work leaned over to the passenger side windshield to see. Shouldn't of smashed the driver's side. So stupid.

11:41 AM
I gotta do more thinkin' with my brain, you guys.

09:35 PM
STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

09:39 PM
Bless you boys! De-troit Ti-gers! Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys!

09:45 PM
Sometimes, just when you think eatin' a barrel would be a welcome bedtime snack, your team wins a big one, and breathin' feels free again.

09:47 PM
The Tigers mean so damn much to the good people of Michigan goin through hard times. Pride ain't always in the form of a paycheck, you guys.

09:56 PM
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Fri Oct 12 2012

10:44 AM
Hapy Friday to ya, you gusy.

10:51 AM
Was partyin hard for the Tigs and dcided to just cruise to work, keep rockin in the bring and be to work on time. woke up in te bring.

10:52 AM
Man still feelin goood! could be still drunk? kinda concernning? noooooooooo. Ha!

10:58 AM
Man, think I smell like boozze? Might? No one knows. who cares. might need ot get a truck liqor freshen up. vodka no gots a smell.

11:01 AM
might smoke some cidgarettes for the smell. no booze smell with cigarretes, you gusy.

Sat Oct 13 2012

11:27 AM
Nosey Lady woke me up on the gal's john floor when it was time to go home last night. Said, "we'll talk about his Monday." Kinda concerning.

11:30 AM
Don't really remember much after the Tigers won Thursday. Mighta been a bad batch of BL Nums, you guys.

11:34 AM
Wonder if there's a BL Nums recall in effect? Wakin' up on the floor of the ladies' isn't my usual style. Could be dangerous.

11:36 AM
Might have to write a letter to Anheuser Busch 'bout their BL Nums. Drinkin' 'em all night in my car shouldn't 'cause such a problem.

11:41 AM
Dave said BL Nums are pretty much just malt liquor for white people. Idiot. Malt liquor is for everyone, you guys.

10:04 PM
I got two words for ya, Yankees: Suck it.

10:40 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Sun Oct 14 2012

12:45 PM
Feel like drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

03:23 PM
Lions won, Tigers are on top. Man. Even had a solid no wiper today. Everything's so on point.

03:42 PM
Bet the Yanks wish they still had Donny Baseball. Man, he was one of the best in the biz. Any real man's a Donny Baseball man, you guys.

03:58 PM
Might have to get some suits like Craig Sager for the fall. Thought he was gay, but just turns out he's keepin' it funky fresh.

04:01 PM
Saw Taco Bell is still makin those garbage bowls? Babe needs to stick to rollin her R's and maybe get nude in a mag. Grub's not her thing.

04:13 PM
If your food comes in a plastic bowl, no need to describe it usin 7 R's to pronounce, rice. Shut up and show your beefers, Taco Bell babe.

04:18 PM
Latina babes are supposed to make hearty grub for their familia, not hamster bedding with "wokamolay" on it, Taco Bell.

04:23 PM
Taco Bell says you'll like their garbage bowl or you get your money back. I shouldn't have to beg after like a slave 'cause it stinks.

04:27 PM
The Taco Bell babe needs to strip for a men's mag and Taco Bell needs to just put D'reets on everything so we can get on with our lives.

04:30 PM
Man. What a great weekend, you guys. Detroit. Rock City. USA.

04:36 PM
Wonder what kinda tissue Joe Girardi uses? Probably expensive. Looks like he could use some right now.

04:43 PM
Headin' to Cold One City. When the tide is rockin', you ride the wave to 100% pure adrenaline. Bodhi said that in Point Break, you guys.

Mon Oct 15 2012

12:59 PM
Nosey Lady hasn't said anything 'bout me passin' out in the gal's john on Friday. Mighta forgot about it? Playin' it cool.

01:01 PM
Nosey Lady hasn't really said anything to me at all today. Never like that. Strange. Nice, but kinda concerning.

01:13 PM
Might have to go do some recon with Nosey Lady. "So, mighta had a seizure on Friday? Ha! Good news is, it isn't serious." Keep it casual.

01:15 PM
"I mean, I can't be the only one who's ever passed out in the gal's john. Got any cool stories from way back?" Get a dialogue goin'.

01:20 PM
Nosey Lady just said, "Mmm hmm. That was unfortunate." and walked away after I asked about my gal's toilet pass out. Must be chill. Whew.

Tue Oct 16 2012

11:46 AM
Told Nosey Lady I might have to split early to go down to Comerica. Try and pick up some tix. She said, "Whatever you need to do, Karl." (?)

11:50 AM
Think Nosey Lady might feel bad about my "maybe seizure" I had on the gal's john floor. Probs understands I need some chillin'.

11:57 AM
Just got a memo that the head honcho is comin' by on Friday. Might have to get one of those Craig Sager suits. Show 'em I'm doin' WELL.

12:06 PM
If folks can't tell if you're dressed like a gay, or a boss player who's keepin' it successfully chillin', that's a power move, you guys.

03:36 PM
Headin' to Detroit. Kinda questionable with my smashed windshield. But, when Seger's rockin', the car practically drives itself there.

03:39 PM
When makin' a questionable decision, sometimes the only way to find the answer is to shut your eyes & mash the pedal to the metal, you guys.

Wed Oct 17 2012

12:00 PM
Just got to work. Had a blast last night. Feelin' kinda rough, but flyin' high. Like a ship in a storm with a flag sayin' Chillin' The Most.

12:04 PM
Tigers pretty much got this in bag. Goin' to the dance! Sendin' out vibes to the big man upstairs to Bless You Boys.

12:16 PM
Got pretty ripped at Hockeytown Cafe. Then headed over to Detroit Beer Co. Detroit's gettin' pretty nice. LOVE gettin' bombed there.

12:18 PM
I musta peeped a thousand babes last night, you guys. Detroit babes are SO money. You can peep 'em for days.

12:30 PM
Shot my K-Money Triple Crown (point, flex a 'cep, ease down shades) at one babe that had a healthy caboose piled high with ethnic toppings.

12:32 PM
Dave came cruisin' over and started in with the "Boobs Like Jagger" song. Told him that's only for in the house! Not when I'm scorin' babes!

12:38 PM
The babe took her thick 'n juicy all natural backdoor and hit the bricks. Dave blew it. I had the ancient vibes of a carnal tribe goin'.

12:44 PM
The great Sammy Hagar said, "I just wanna sink my teeth in that fine piece of real estate." A REAL man like's a thick caboose, you guys.

12:50 PM
Some guys are into Sammy. Some are into Diamond Dave. Me? I'm into Van Halen, and thick & natural babe tails from coast to coast in the USA.

12:51 PM
And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold Karl Welzein said so.

12:52 PM
Crap, think I'm still kinda bombed. Gonna barf.

Thu Oct 18 2012

11:23 AM
Vomited in the kitchen sink yesterday at work. Nosey Lady walked in, saw me, then just walked out. So rude. What a no class sow. I was ill.

11:26 AM
What if I barfed 'til I was dead? It could happen. Lots of rockers die that way. Kinda cool?

11:29 AM
Whether I was havin' a puke death or not, Nosey Lady shoulda asked if I needed help. Hurlin' in the kitchen sink suggests an emergency.

11:41 AM
Took off early yesterday. If no one cares if you're losin' your guts in a sink, no on cares if you're there. Actually a pretty good test?

11:46 AM
Went and picked up this bad boy and some accessories. Gonna be funky fresh look like Craig Sager for tomorrow. http://t.co/pY3L9oAh

11:52 AM
Nothin' like a turquoise blazer to scream, I'm rockin' power moves from coast to coast, 24/7, 365, in the USA. Open on Sundays, you guys.

12:00 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

01:45 PM
Why are we still at work?! The Tigers are on. Sick of this slave cage bullcrap. America should be in Cold One City.

01:57 PM
Everyone across the USA should walk out of work for baseball and freedom right now. It's our birthright. And I'll go first. Later, corncobs.

02:47 PM
WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

02:49 PM
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

06:19 PM
Bless you boys. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now. With sweet tears of joy, dried upon my face. Go Tigers, you guys.

08:03 PM
Gotta give my condolences to Joe Girardi, you guys. I lost my Dad when I was 15. He wasn't around after that. Was pretty tough.

08:05 PM
It was just me, my bro Al and my Mom. Always had to work to make ends meet. Paper routes, shovelin' snow. Don't remember not havin' a job.

08:10 PM
Life's not always sunshine & daffodils. So if you can get a feel good when your team wins, grab it and hold on 'til it ain't warm no more.

08:20 PM
Things are tough for alotta good Michigan folks right now. Tigers goin' to the fall classic is more important than just baseball, you guys.

08:23 PM
You can't just take a crap on Michigan and sweep it under the rug. It's a beautiful place filled with good people. It helped build America.

08:25 PM
Man, I need a stiff drink right now. Kinda bombed. Nothin' goes better with being bombed than a stiff drink, you guys. Crank up the Seger.

08:28 PM
Roll me away. The the promised land. With the heat of a thousand suns. http://t.co/olPViRRv

Fri Oct 19 2012

12:16 AM
Pretty bombed. But smooth. Yep, pretty bombed. But, smooth. Man. Should call some babes to come get my bad boy carnal touch and make it.

12:16 AM
Man, you guys.

12:17 AM
Standin' on top of the world.

12:23 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

12:26 PM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night. And took a bottle of Smirnoff to the head. 'Cause that's gone. Whole pack of cigs. And weed.

12:27 PM
If your team wins a big one and you don't feel like a big pile of garbage the next day, you're not a true fan, you guys.

12:29 PM
Threw on my Craig Sager teal blazer from Men's Wearhouse and power walked into work with Van Halen's Top of the World blarin' on my discman.

12:32 PM
Figured the head honcho would wanna have a guy to guy, pronto, so I pregamed some trunk liquor to get loose and conversational.

12:35 PM
Layed low at work to get my spirits high and burn off the booze fumes. Smelled like a tire fire made of tires of liquor. Needed 'logne.

12:38 PM
Nosey Lady woke me up from a power snooze on the floor. I like to be rested before I hustle for paper. It's an old trick from the streets.

12:40 PM
Had to go in the gal's john for a hot mustard squirt. Domo arigato, peener was dehydrato.

12:43 PM
Went to meet with the head honcho. He said, "Karl, nice blazer." I said, "Peep the teal. All my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy."

12:46 PM
Head honcho said, "Karl, I have some bad news." Told him, "The Tigers un-won?" Went in for a K-Money fist bump explosion. Denied.

12:48 PM
Head honcho said, "Karl, we have to let you go. It's just not working out." I work out all the time doin' 'shups in the john!

12:51 PM
Told the head honcho, "I'm the President & CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. And if you don't like it, I got 2 words for ya. Suck it." Did the move.

12:53 PM
Slowly put my headphones on, cranked up Van Halen's Poundcake on the Discman, and power walked outta there with class and dignity.

12:55 PM
Walked up to Nosey Lady, gave her the double middles like freedom rockets, and bailed out like a boss player.

12:59 PM
When you get up in someone's face, double middles blazin' with head swagger bangin', it's the ultimate Power Move. Stone Cold said that.

01:02 PM
On the way out, I told Ken, "Later tater. By the way, I smoked your old lady with my man meat." Thought he was gonna explode!

01:05 PM
Got in the 'Bring, top down, lit a cig, cranked the Stranglehold, let the double middle freedom rockets fly to glory, and peeled out.

01:09 PM
They won't get away with this. I'm mother f-ing Karl Welzein. And I'm sick of bein' neighborly.

01:12 PM
I don't even really know what I did at work anyway. Who does? Just wasting my precious time when I could be rockin' or rollin'.

01:18 PM
You talk about your psalms. You talk about your John 3:16. Well, KARL 3:16 says I just whooped yer ass.

01:21 PM
And exactly 3:57 in Still of the Night by Whitesnake says it's time for Power Moves in a funky fresh teal blazer and a cold one, you guys.

01:26 PM
http://t.co/foIV26yI

02:13 PM
Better recognize game, you guys. Let's roll. Kid Rock said that so America could rock free in the USA.

02:25 PM
Comin' atcha live, on WLZN. You're with the Captain. http://t.co/nl3zL1pL

02:42 PM
The hits don't stop, here on your Friday. It's Van Halen. Here's Poundcake. WLZN. http://t.co/JTnBxOGv

02:50 PM
Feelin' fine on a Friday. Let's take it way back with some southern bold flavors. WLZN. http://t.co/Oit87nKA

02:59 PM
Let's all take a moment to think about America, you guys. We can do it. USA. WLZN. http://t.co/eEYTem79

03:33 PM
Here's one goin' out to Michigan's own, Alto Reed. It's Turn The Page. On WLZN. http://t.co/0L3mR4LA

03:52 PM
Captain Karl signin' off. Have a rockin' Friday, you guys. May god bless your weekend journey. And bless Todd Snider. http://t.co/hSaSYlkk

04:33 PM
Live every day like it's the weekend. Friday ain't always a guarantee, you guys.

04:35 PM
http://t.co/3Sp0AiCQ

04:43 PM
http://t.co/8Xvenq3g

04:56 PM
We're AMERICA. Leader of the only known people world in the universe. So act like you got swag, you guys. Crap could be worse. USA.

05:02 PM
America should = Stone Cold Steve Austin. Maybe then we wouldn't have any problems. Government ain't that hard, USA. Break the glass.

05:34 PM
How America should kick the door down on the rest of the world. Might vote for Ric Flair. Could get the job done? http://t.co/9N0LHleA

05:36 PM
Ric Flair for President. That's my official endorsement, you guys.

05:39 PM
WOOOOOOO!!! Loud and proud, right in the rest of the world's filthy face!

05:40 PM
America is the big house, on the big side of town, you guys. -Ric Flair

05:53 PM
America: To be the man, you've gotta beat the man. -Ric Flair for president.

05:57 PM
"I got more cars, than most of ya have friends." -Ric Flair for President.

05:58 PM
"America: We're custom made." -Ric Flair for President.

06:05 PM
I'm a jet flyin', limousine ridin', kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', son of a gun. -Ric Flair for President.

06:09 PM
And that Paul Ryan corncob? What a dipshit. Todd Snider knows more about what America needs than that bag of sissy garbage.

06:14 PM
Paul Ryan's the dude version of that dumb broad from last time. So stupid. Throw him in a meat grinder. -Ric Flair for President

06:17 PM
Even Dave knows Paul Ryan is an idiot. Asked him about him. Said, "Yeah, I'd kick his ass in a KFC parking lot." Ha! Probably not but still.

06:20 PM
Wonder if Paul Ryan knows what it's like to shovel concrete for 8 bucks an hour to support a child. Probably not. I do. What a bitch.

06:25 PM
If I had a hundred billion dollars, I'd pay Ndamukong Suh to stomp Paul Ryan's neck on behalf of USA women from coast to coast.

06:28 PM
Babes should be able to do whatever they need to with their bodies. What if a gal President told you what to do with your peener? Not cool.

06:31 PM
If Paul Ryan got butt passioned by a crack animal & had to shoot a sin baby out his peener, he might understand the meaning of "religion."

06:37 PM
Any REAL man vote's for the REAL man who supports babes. They make the world go round and round. If you don't, beat it, corncob. -Ric Flair

06:50 PM
I ain't liberal. I ain't republican. I'm AMERICAN. And in the USA, babes do what they want, regardless of some made up crap you read.

06:53 PM
Believe in God on your own time. I do. Saint Christopher digs into my chest on my sweet gold chain. But I don't put in on yours.

07:00 PM
I'm a Republican. But I'll be voting for Ric Flair. Ain't votin' for 2 fancy corncobs who need their ass kicked in a bar, you guys.

07:06 PM
So I got fired, if people don't wanna hang out with me, then hit the bricks. Like I give a hard crap. Seats are for REAL MEN and BABES only.

07:17 PM
Just wish republicans would endorse a guy that doesn't look like somebody who's an a-hole at Chili's 'cause they didn't get "lite ranch."

07:25 PM
Everyone should vote for whoever they want. Just do whatever you think is best for the USA. Gonna go get bombed. http://t.co/SCAIAVLL

Sat Oct 20 2012

01:03 PM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys. Really hurtin'.

08:56 PM
Man. Drank so much booze to feel better from last night's booze. Feel like made of booze. Kinda concerning?

09:15 PM
Jim Leyland should be VP. Ric Flair for President. Flair/Leland 2012. So money. Kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', red smokin' sons of guns.

09:19 PM
I bleed booze. And I sweat the fire of a thousand suns. I'm Karl Welzein. The President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA.

09:21 PM
I don't know what's even real life anymore. Am I alive? So bombed. Lit up like a Christmas tree and pickled like bread 'n butters.

09:25 PM
Gonna go lay down in the tub. Gotta get straight. Probs put on some Thin Lizzy in the phones to get chilled out. I am just a cowboy.

09:44 PM
http://t.co/ZrEu7lwC

09:47 PM
It's ok, amigo. Just let me go.

Mon Oct 22 2012

11:20 AM
Really hurtin'. Gotta snooze more. Went kinda bonkers, you guys.

08:54 PM
Just remembered it's my birthday at midnight. Don't think anyone else did. Happy birthday. To Karl. Feelin' down.

Tue Oct 23 2012

11:15 AM
Feelin' pretty good 'bout my big b-day today, you guys. Might have to have a solo celebraish.

11:34 AM
Decided to start my b-day off right in the success department. Came up with some new hamburg ideas for Guy Fieri: http://t.co/1QZO8X0T

01:47 PM
Been just sittin' at the pad, waitin' on a b-day ring. 'Nothin. Wonder where Dave's been? Might head out soon. Get into some Bad Boy crap.

01:50 PM
Wonder what Crazy Cooter's up to? Might be just chillin' out? Should cruise over. See if he wants to get b-day nasty.

01:57 PM
Never babe prowled with Crazy Cooter buddy style before. Could be a blast. Long as he can keep the "cooze" and "slizz" comments to himself.

02:03 PM
Don't know the difference between "slizz" and "cooze." Have to ask Crazy Cooter. Might be a disease code, you guys.

02:11 PM
If you wanna incite carnal passions, "Hey babe, lookin' thick 'n natural" works just fine. No need for terms like "cooze." Show some class.

02:16 PM
Headin' to Crazy Cooter's. Let's roll, nasty boy b-day style. Heavy 'logne. Shined my 'rang. Tight pony. My swag is so on point, you guys.

Wed Oct 24 2012

10:22 AM
Woke up in bed with Crazy Cooter's mom this morning. Kinda concerning?

11:06 AM
Gonna hit the sack. Hope when I wake up it's in a different reality where I didn't possibly get carnal with Crazy Cooter's mom.

05:00 PM
Detroit Tigers. World Series 2012. Let's roll, you guys.

05:15 PM
Got me a 12 of BL 'Nums, bottle of Crown, plenty of ice, chips 'n dip, a few 'zas (supreme). Feels good to not have a job so I relax.

05:17 PM
Back when I had a job, man, I just couldn't cut loose and enjoy a ball game with a proper booze intake. But now, it's on, you guys.

05:30 PM
Wonder how many cold ones are gettin' pounded all over Michigan right now? Probly a buncha millions.

Thu Oct 25 2012

11:10 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:38 AM
Got so steamed at the Tigs loss. Stayed up and polished off my bottle of Crown. Got in a fight with Dave 'bout Bagel Bites vs. Pizza Rolls.

11:43 AM
Saw some piece of trash took down my Craigslist post for my Guy Fieri hamburg ideas. Put it back up. So steamed. http://t.co/jnzGx99c

05:06 PM
Made Bagel Bites AND Pizza Rolls for the Tiger game. Such a power move. Let's go Detroit.

08:33 PM
Can't have nothin', you guys.

Fri Oct 26 2012

11:45 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Think today is Friday? Kinda losin' track of time 'cause of my all freedom lifestyle.

11:55 AM
Some people are unemployed. Sounds so negative. The "all freedom lifestyle" is about chillin' the most with positive vibes.

12:32 PM
Made me some more Pizza Rolls AND Bagel Bites. Couldn't do that if I had a job. The All Freedom Lifestyle lends itself to decadence.

04:27 PM
For all you good people gettin' bombed early on a Friday and peepin' babes, here's one from the Captain on WLZN: http://t.co/wKT3lgmi

Sat Oct 27 2012

04:39 PM
Gonna watch the Tigs and head out to Crazy Cooter's Halloween celebraish. Super pumped. Been workin' on my 'stume all day.

04:42 PM
Dressin' up as the Road Warriors with Dave. So money. Powerful, yet carnal. http://t.co/16rZDKYu

04:45 PM
URRRRRRRRRAAAAAHHHHH-WHAT A RUSH!!!

04:46 PM
http://t.co/h8wKgyyK

Sun Oct 28 2012

08:53 PM
So sad, you guys.

08:58 PM
Good thing I don't have a job anymore, 'cause I wouldn't be goin' to that dump tomorrow after the amount of booze I'm gonna pound.

09:09 PM
When your team loses the World Series, it's time to get busy cryin', or get busy drinkin', you guys.

09:12 PM
Me and Dave left on our Road Warriors Hawk & Animal costumes for good luck. Forgot Hawk died. Questionable decision.

09:14 PM
I'd shed a few tears, but sobbin' like a baby with another grown man while you're wearin' Road Warriors costumes isn't really a power move.

09:31 PM
Gonna crack this next cold one in honor of the skipper of Bad Boy City, Mr. Jimmy Leyland.

09:42 PM
Least we had a blast at Crazy Cooter's Halloween celebraish last night. Me and Dave's Road Warriors 'stumes really rocked it.

09:45 PM
Guess I didn't get carnal with Crazy Cooter's mom. Just bunked for the night. She probably wanted it though. I'm all man with heavy vibes.

09:52 PM
Cooter's mom said, "Were you the stupid faggot that passed out in my bed and kept rippin' ass all night?" "Faggot" seemed unnecessary.

09:55 PM
Told Cooter's mom, "Listen, trash bag, it was my b-day. And don't act like you didn't crave my touch just 'cause of some hot rippers."

09:58 PM
If a babe is turned off by a few nighttime gas leaks, she should get used to sleepin' alone. Evening slumber is a healthy time for release.

10:02 PM
Crazy Cooter's mom smacked me in the peener & veggies for the "trash bag" comment. She was probably turned on and had to resist a grab.

10:05 PM
Told Cooter's mom, "Hey! Hands off my peener! It's a valuable part of my body and I'm not some weirdo who's into guy pains."

10:08 PM
Had to go in the john and run cold water on my peener for safety. Quit smacks on the business end can cause damage to your tool.

10:12 PM
Peener felt hot like pee was comin' out. Decided to just soak my pants in case of any leaks. It's the wet look for downtown. So carnal.

10:15 PM
Me and Dave rocked out so hard in our Road Warriors 'stumes, got some real looks from the babes, but kept it guy to guy. Buddy style.

10:19 PM
Every night can't be about babes. If it was, I wouldn't have anytime to chill with the guys. I can't be Mr. Romance & Satisfaction, 24/7.

Mon Oct 29 2012

12:18 PM
Really hurtin' today, you guys. But thanks to the All Freedom Lifestyle, I'm doin' it MY way, with a patch me up cold one in the john.

02:07 PM
Fell asleep on the toilet for the last 2 hours. Not really as cool as when I used to do it at work. Might have to look for a new gig.

02:19 PM
Gonna work on my rezzo for the rest of the day. Want my new job to be chillin' with bold flavors and mad swag. Gotta style & profile.

Tue Oct 30 2012

10:59 AM
Just heard about the big storm in NYC. Hope Guy Fieri's new restaurant is ok, you guys. Sendin' good vibes.

11:57 AM
Just flipped through some of the news channels. No word about Guy Fieri anywhere on the storm situaish. Kinda concerning.

12:46 PM
The news channels are filled with nobodies no one cares about talkin' the same storm crap. America needs to know what Guy Fieri thinks.

04:05 PM
Heard there were looters in NYC. Hope those animals didn't hit up Guy Fieri's restaurant. His grub's probably worth a ton on the street.

Wed Oct 31 2012

11:22 AM
Happy 'Ween, you guys.

11:28 AM
Wonder if they're havin' a 'stume celebraish at work for 'Ween? Might have to stop by and say whassup.

11:53 AM
Gonna have a few cocktails to get loose and conversational then cruise to work with Dave in our Roadwarriors 'stumes. Really wow 'em.

10:51 PM
Just found Dave's Pos T Vac under the kitchen sink. Kinda concerning?

11:04 PM
The Pos T Vac is a peener apparatus to make it carnal. No need for that nonsense in the kitchen. It's where I prepare bold flavors.

11:07 PM
Might have to say somethin' to Dave about this peener engorgement business in the meal area. Male enhancement is a bedroom situaish.

11:12 PM
If your peener don't work, pick up a guy mag for peepin' like a real man. No need to cram it in a plastic suck machine like some animal.

Thu Nov 01 2012

11:04 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:07 AM
When you don't have a job, weekday freedoms lend itself to more stressful activities. Could really use some weekend R&R.

11:15 AM
Had a blast stoppin' by the ol' work yesterday with Dave. They weren't havin' a 'stume contest or nothin' though. Seems boring since I left.

11:17 AM
Busted in the door with our Roadwarriors 'stumes on. Man, people freaked out when I yelled, "WHAAAT A RUSH!" Heard some screams. Ha!

11:22 AM
Nosey Lady's still an idiot. Said, "Karl are you retarded?! You have to leave." Who's Karl? I'm Animal and this is Hawk. Pointed at Dave.

11:32 AM
Told Nosey, "We're just tryin' to bring some fun 'Ween terror and say whassup. Don't think I'm back to stay. I been rockin' SO hard."

11:44 AM
Dave said, "Yeah, me & Karl been gettin' bombed and might be workin' for Guy Fieri REAL soon, you sloppy sow." Shut her down.

11:48 AM
Hope Dave doesn't think he'll actually be workin' with Guy Fieri. Me and Guy are a mano y mano situaish. Dave can keep dreamin' though.

11:54 AM
Could tell Nosey wasn't gonna let us get the party started so we went out in the parkin' lot to hang in case anyone wanted to say whassup.

11:58 AM
Hung out in the lot with a few cold ones, blarin' some Seger in our Roadwarriors 'stumes, but guess Nosey said nobody could come chill.

12:03 PM
Tried pushin' out a squirt on Nosey's car grill so she could catch the aroma but was too dehydrated & cold. Peener just turtled a dribble.

12:10 PM
If you can't even take a whizz of vengeance on somebody's car, it's time to review your hydration plan, pronto.

Fri Nov 02 2012

11:06 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:12 AM
Put up my rezz on Craigslist. Should be goin' out to some primo interviews for gigs next week. Super pumped. http://t.co/Gfkh1n46

Sat Nov 03 2012

09:05 PM
I'm chillin' so hard right now, you guys.

09:49 PM
Kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', jet flyin', limousine ridin', son of a gun. WOOOO! -Ric Flair for President, 2012.

Sun Nov 04 2012

10:16 AM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

10:18 AM
Just somethin' 'bout wakin' up early on a Sunday with a rapid heartbeat like you're gonna die, to make you truly feel alive.

10:20 AM
Why does bein' hungover make Van Halen's "Poundcake" sound so much more badass? One of nature's mysteries I guess. Time for a cold one.

10:24 AM
Listenin' to Van Halen's "Poundcake" over and over, and watchin' the Lions, sets a real man on fire with emotions from ancient times.

10:25 AM
Man, Michael Anthony's bass lines are so thick. Like an ethnic babe's caboose with all the toppings.

10:28 AM
Dave said this just might be the best Sunday ever. He might be right. And I might just have to rock it all night long. For the USA.

10:32 AM
Sure, Dave destroyed the john with Red Barron 'rrhea but I'm feelin' so money I can just look the other way. Hit it with Kaboom later.

10:36 AM
Wanna give a "finger gun salute & ease down the shades" to all the carnal babes from coast to coast right now, you guys.

10:57 AM
Take my hand, let's be forever.

11:07 AM
Told Dave I'm thinkin' 'bout gettin' a tatt. Maybe Eddie Van Halen's red white and black Frankenstrat? Let the babes know I'm boss.

11:11 AM
If the Lions win, I'm gettin' a tatt of Eddie Van Halen's 1984 guitar. Decided. Wonder if Crazy Cooter knows a guy?

11:13 AM
A Van Halen tatt lets one man look another man in the eye and say, "I own the block, young man."

11:57 AM
When it comes to the people, America's pretty much the best in the USA, you guys.

Tue Nov 06 2012

03:09 PM
Ric Flair for President, 2012. Or Springsteen/Seger, 2012. Either one rocks. Get out and vote, you guys.

Wed Nov 07 2012

11:46 AM
Just heard the news, you guys. We're havin' another 4 years of the silky smoothest soul brother in the USA, Mr. Barry O.

04:13 PM
Gettin' kinda sick of the All Freedom Lifestyle. Might have to do take my rezzo to the streets and get a job. Somethin' chill, yet powerful.

04:38 PM
Folks just use the computer to try and get jobs now. Think that's why unemployment is high. You really gotta get in some faces, one on one.

04:47 PM
Employers can't get a read on my vibes from lookin' at a rezzo on a computer screen. Gotta get my hot & fresh breath barkin' in their grill.

Thu Nov 08 2012

11:13 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:51 AM
Probably be lookin' for a job next week, so this weekend might be the last weekend before real weekends begin again. Gotta rock it.

12:04 PM
Might have to get my Eddie Van Halen guitar tatt on Saturday, so when I go to job interviews I can flash it and say, "yes or no, kimosabe?"

Fri Nov 09 2012

11:17 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Really hurtin'. Mighta been drugged by some prostitutes at 'Bee's last night. Kinda concerning?

11:27 AM
Wouldn't think 'Bee's would attract prostos. But, guess their new late night attitude comes with a price. After 9pm, anything goes.

11:33 AM
Was just mindin' my own biz at 'Bee's, easin' back several Mucho Margs and thinkin' 'bout gettin' a primo job, when a babe came in hot.

11:37 AM
The babe said, "Damn, ain't you fine as f*ck." Thought there was no need for bad language, but I couldn't disagree. My look was on point.

11:44 AM
The babe asked if I wanted company. Told her, my Mucho Marg was doin' just fine as a co-pilot. Seemed fishy. Just too carnal.

11:46 AM
Sure, I wanted to get a one on one after hours convo goin', but this babe had my Karl-sense screamin', "Back away, amigo. Danger zone."

11:50 AM
Told the babe I needed to hit the john for a sit down, guy style. When I came back, she started askin' how much bread I had. Bad news.

11:55 AM
I pounded my Mucho Marg and decided to hit the bricks. Babes who really crave your carnal touch want "things", not cold cash, you guys.

12:03 PM
Don't remember much after I left 'Bee's. Woke up in the Rite Aid parkin' lot with my car runnin'. Least I blacked out responsibly.

12:12 PM
Someone should let 'Bee's know they might have prostos druggin' people's booze in the neighborhood. Might be bad for business? Who knows.

04:54 PM
I'll take ghosts over demons anytime, you guys. Easier to avoid some crap in the outside world than fight an inescapable evil inside you.

04:56 PM
Man, I feel so crap. Just a bag of smokin' crap. Gotta lay back down. Damn prostos & their filthy street drugs. Friggin' 'Bee's. So steamed.

04:57 PM
My brain's all mushed like bumblebees.

Sat Nov 10 2012

01:42 PM
Still feel like crap. Don't know whether to go to an Urgent Care or Chili's. Both could do the trick.

01:46 PM
They should make Chili's/Urgent Care like they have KFC/Taco Bell. It'd be the #1 USA choice for feelin' good when you're feelin' bad.

Sun Nov 11 2012

02:47 AM
Slept all day. Just woke up. Sometimes it's good to recharge when you're workin' hard and maybes gettin' drugged by prostos at 'Bee's.

02:56 AM
Been watchin' some of Dave's recorded WWE shows. Pretty good. This Rybak guy is on point. His 'tude is so badass.

02:58 AM
"Feed Me More."

02:58 AM
Feed Me More.

02:59 AM
Feed. Me. More.

05:04 AM
Funny how if you balance your time enough, "Tonight" can turn into "Tomorrow" in the squirt of an eye, you guys.

05:07 AM
Pretty stupid how "time" is some numbers that come down to when you either need to be at work, or not. Should just be green or red.

05:15 AM
Dave just got up to take a whizz. Said, "You STILL up?" Gave me a look. Suck my ass, idiot. Learnin' 'bout current events, I'm informed.

05:27 AM
So bombed, you guys. Gonnna be drunk cus its saturaday.

05:36 AM
Crazy Cooter kept tellin' me to play this this jam. It's pretty chill? Might have to hook up: http://t.co/Rs7B3oxn

05:39 AM
If you're not down with the The Dayton Family, hit the bricks, you guys. Mighta been boys with Peanut?

05:48 AM
Crazy Cooter just came by. Puked on the floor, but he's playin' some boss Michigan old school.. Might be for Obama?

05:53 AM
WZLN: The sounds of Breed (RIP), and the DFC. http://t.co/CGkZymwG

06:03 AM
WLZN: Comin' atcha with that Flint funk Crazy Cooter says is "gangsta." AWE HELL YEAH! My hood keeps it chiliiin. http://t.co/UjfC0crF

06:05 AM
I gotta go barf or sleep. Don't know whiich is proper, you guys.

06:17 AM
Don't know if if I'm late to tha game, but I'm down with The Dayton Family, Esham, MC Breed (RIP). DFC, Jake The Flake, and NATAS.

06:17 AM
....you guys.

06:20 AM
Crazy Cooter brought all his tapes over. Man, we are rockin'. All black dudes sayin' local things. Really makes ya think.

06:25 AM
http://t.co/x934XSEm

06:32 AM
Earth walkers let the daylight guide 'em to slumber. True Gods nod off to pleasures on their own watch, you guys.

01:52 PM
Somebody gimme an "AWE HELL YEAH!" for the USA veterans, you guys.

01:56 PM
Veterans day is important. Should be a national holiday, not just a Sunday everybody already has off.

02:03 PM
If you don't support the troops and the veterans? Man, just hit the bricks to China and live like an animal, ya piece of trash.

02:05 PM
Round here, we let the American flag fly high. Don't actually have one or a place to put it, but it's #1 in our hearts.

02:10 PM
No need to own a flag, when your fists are armed with double middle freedom rockets. I'm 1000% American badass. 365. 24/7. Open on Sundays.

06:24 PM
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers for the veterans right now, you guys.

Mon Nov 12 2012

12:26 PM
Really went all out slammin' booze for the veterans yesterday. It was a celebraish of respect and pride for the USA.

12:32 PM
Feels good to feel like crap 'cause you got bombed the night before for all the right reasons, you guys.

Tue Nov 13 2012

11:44 AM
Uh oh. Saw the landlord snoopin' around The K-Money Club. Outside yellin' on his cell phone. Better lay low. Kinda concerning?

11:55 AM
The landlord keeps yellin', "The whole apartment is feeled with pees and sheet!" Then used other bad words in a far away language of anger.

12:06 PM
If your pals destroy an apt. that you turned into a nightclub with their bodily wastes, it's best to just walk away and keep it chillin'.

12:14 PM
Man. Landlord is poundin' on doors. Turnin' the lights off. Me & Dave gonna hide out in the john with some snacks 'til this blows over.

12:21 PM
Nothin' wrong with a couple guys hidin' from authorities in the john with some ranch Corn Nuts, you guys. Part of the bad boy lifestyle.

Wed Nov 14 2012

11:38 AM
Landlord pounded on the door forever yesterday. Finally just let himself in. Was hidin' in the john with Dave. Dave cut a ripper & blew it.

11:44 AM
Landlord said, "Hello? Is somebody in the toilet?" Told him, "Sorry, takin' a crap." Then Dave said, "Yeah, we're takin' a crap." Idiot.

11:51 AM
Had to stay in the john with Dave all afternoon. The landlord left. Think he got uncomfortable when he thought we were in a cozy situaish.

11:53 AM
2 pals don't go in the john to make stinky at the same time if there's only one pot. It just screams guy on guy carnal passions, you guys.

12:27 PM
The landlord is supposed to come back today. Might have to split for awhile. Worried about repercussions from The K-Money Club.

Thu Nov 15 2012

11:01 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:16 AM
Read a pretty stupid review of Guy Fieri's NYC 'rant when I was hidin' from the landlord in the john. Kinda concerning.

11:23 AM
Thought I'd respond to all those New York Times questions from that Pete Wells corncob on Guy's behalf: http://t.co/vD6OwJs3

02:51 PM
Sent my Pete Wells' Guy Fieri answers to the New York Times "letters to the editor." See if those bullies fight fair on the playground.

02:54 PM
I got no time to tolerate smart mouth corncobs like Pete Wells who think they're better than the rest of the USA, you guys.

02:56 PM
KARL 3:16 says I just whooped yer ass.

Fri Nov 16 2012

11:01 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:19 AM
No word from that Peener Wells corncob. Must be shakin' in his shoes wonderin' if me or Guy are gonna get our mitts on him, bad boy style.

11:20 AM
Landlord is still snoopin' around. Just put a note under the door. Kinda concerning. Gonna go check it out.

11:23 AM
Crap. Gotta get outta town. Now.

Mon Nov 19 2012

08:36 PM
Just got home. So exhausted. Last few days were a nightmare from the mind of a demon, you guys.

08:38 PM
Gonna pass out on my face and hope the Big Man gives me the strength to wake up and walk the earth once more.

Tue Nov 20 2012

11:45 AM
Really lookin' forward to Thanksgivin', you guys.

11:50 AM
Just gettin' up and around. Goin' on the run from authorities takes it outta ya like an all day 'rrhea session.

11:55 AM
Had to get outta town for a few days. The landlord left a note under the door that said, "Unless one of the tenants comes to the forward...

11:58 AM
...about the fecal and urine damages in the vacated apartment, as well as vomits, the police will be involved for questioning."

12:04 PM
I shouldn't have to worry about the body waste destruction of Neighbor Guy's pad. It wasn't MY waste. I made at at home with class.

12:07 PM
Didn't wanna get shook down by 5-0. Told Dave we needed to hit the bricks. Grabbed all the cold ones & snacks and beat it to the 'Bring.

12:11 PM
Decided we should just hit it to NYC, maybe get involved with Guy's 'rant and show support against that tug off, Peener Wells.

12:18 PM
Left the boat hooked up to the 'Bring. Thought it'd be a money hang outside of Guy's in Times Square. Really magnetize the big apple babes.

12:25 PM
Burned up the transmission outside of Youngstown, OH. Had to wait 3 hrs. on the side of the road to get the boat & 'Bring towed.

12:31 PM
Dave had to grunt real bad. Went in the boat and pushed in an Arb's bag. Threw it on the roadside. Pretty much summed up the situaish.

12:37 PM
When the tow truck driver showed up, he stepped in Dave's Arb's bag BM. Had to ride in the truck cab with his boot rankin' it up. Terrible.

12:43 PM
Who doesn't notice they just stepped in an Arb's bag full of human waste? It's a pretty basic concept to grasp and assess, you guys.

12:48 PM
Couldn't get the 'Bring fixed 'til Monday. Had to stay in a Best Western with Dave. Close quarters weren't ideal. Lotta beefin' road eats.

12:50 PM
Whole thing cost me $2,700. Mechanic really vice gripped my peener & veggies. Wanted to crush his face, but he wasn't even worth it.

12:51 PM
Kinda gettin' tight with the bread. Ann pretty much took all the savings 'cause of the kids & crap. So unfair. My kids aren't my problem.

12:55 PM
After Thanksgivin'? Man, I'm gonna look for a job so hard. Really clean up for the holiday season. It's a great time for go getters.

01:11 PM
I need this Thanksgivin' to be special, like never before. A real celebraish. And if there's babes involved? That's cool too.

Wed Nov 21 2012

11:32 AM
Been runnin' around gettin' supplies for the 'Ving celebraish. People are pretty nasty right now. Not me. Brought me a shoptail for sippin'.

11:34 AM
Just put some booze in a container that doesn't look like it's booze, then go shoppin.' Now you got a shoptail.

11:46 AM
Ran my cart into some gal's buttcheeks at the Kroger. Was an accident. She had mega buttcheeks. They were all over the aisle.

11:49 AM
Wide Buttcheeks turned around and said, "Hey, watch where you're goin' Stroke Lotion!" Seemed unnecessary.

11:52 AM
How can a person be named, "Stroke Lotion?" My name's Karl. K-Money if you're nasty.

11:56 AM
Took a pull off my shoptail. Said, "Listen Grimace, why don't you put back the turkeys you're smugglin' in them stretch pants and can it."

12:05 PM
Traded insults for 5 minutes. Then it got weird. Almost a carnal vibe. Got Mega Buttcheeks' number. Mighta been buzzed off my shoptail.

12:07 PM
I don't need booze to lay down my vibe on a babe, but it opens up the door to new surprises of just how smooth you can be without thinkin'.

12:30 PM
Just heard Kid Rock is playin' the Lions' halftime show tomorrow. So pumped, you guys. So. Friggin'. Pumped.

Thu Nov 22 2012

11:22 AM
Happy 'Ving, you guys. To Kid Rock, The Detroit Lions, Michigan, America, everyone really. Happy friggin' 'Ving! Let's roll, USA style.

11:29 AM
May you and yours have a full spread this 'Ving. The works, really. Sendin' out blessings to babes all over the world.

Fri Nov 23 2012

12:10 PM
Dave just pounded a Faygo Rock n Rye to settle his gut. Started barfin' all over. Mighta had too much 'Ving, you guys.

12:13 PM
Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night. Really hurtin'. And Jim Beam. Drank some Jim Beam too.

12:43 PM
Might have to make a Black Friday shoptail and head out for some savings. And babes. Frustrated babes crave carnal passions, you guys.

12:45 PM
Bet there'd be a lot less shootings on Black Friday if everyone just chilled out at the store with a stiff shoptail.

Sat Nov 24 2012

12:03 AM
Gonna be not happy with the world for now. you guys.

12:05 AM
Had buttcheek passions with Mega Buttcheeks. She called it "hot doggin'" So much buns.

12:09 AM
Sometimes you go out and wake up after you rubbed yer peener & veggies on an obese babe's caboose. It's called bein' an a American. USA.

08:03 PM
Just woke up and couldn't figure out why it was dark out at 11:00 am. Really need some structure, you guys.

08:14 PM
Watchin' this Kyle Kinane stand up crap. So friggin' funny. Might have to write some jokes? Really burn down some folks, bad boy style.

08:18 PM
Man, I could probably be the #1 comedian in the USA if I put my mind to it. "Karl The Babe Guy." Maybe this Kinane idiot wants to hook up?

08:20 PM
Gonna eat a pile of mashed 'tato lefties and start writin' some jokes. Really burn down some trash. I got words to say, you guys.

08:30 PM
Man, if I did stand up comedy, I'd burn so many people down to their face, and if you don't like it? Then, you can suck it.

08:33 PM
You don't like what I say? You don't like my moves? Then hit the bricks, corncob. I'm the President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. Ha!

08:37 PM
Don't you know, that you are a shooting star? Don't you now? And all the world will love you, just as long as you are, you guys.

08:48 PM
Gonna call up Mega Buttcheeks. See if she wants some company. My treat, of course.

09:00 PM
Is it against the law to crave a babe's overweight buttcheeks? Not in my USA, you guys.

Mon Nov 26 2012

12:27 PM
Woke up this mornin' at Mega Buttcheeks. Not really how I wanted to start my week. Really made me think, "Am I at my best?"

01:05 PM
Gonna spend this week gettin' back to my K-Money standards of excellence. Time to focus with dedication. Step #1: Watch Tombstone.

02:55 PM
Step #2: Gonna do some 'shups. At least 13.

05:49 PM
Step #3: Make my underpants fleet fit for only primo babes. Get my peener rockin' with the heat of a thousand suns. http://t.co/6WGfcVrJ

Tue Nov 27 2012

11:56 AM
K-Money Standards of Excellence, Step #4: Hearty breakfast. Kinda late in the day, but rest is important too. Success is about compromise.

12:30 PM
Step #5: A solid, healthy BM. It lets me know my bod is functionin' on all cylinders, and my horsepower is maxin' out my volume.

03:48 PM
Step #6: Have Dave cancel all my appointments. Don't have any, but if one comes up, it's gettin' cancelled, pronto. I'm too busy focusing.

06:17 PM
Step #7: Makin' 13 cans of tuna, kicked up with my secret herbs & spices and plenty of mayo, for all week snackin' on prote my bod craves.

Wed Nov 28 2012

11:42 AM
K-Money Standards of Excellence, Step #8: Scrub up the john.Make it a crisp spot for gruntin' a BM, or just hangin' out with a snack.

03:25 PM
Step #9: Gonna flush my kidneys with a gallon mix of LIGHT beer & green tea. My special blend. It's an old Samurai trick for wellness.

04:31 PM
Dave asked why I've been "actin' weird" and bein' "unchillin'." I'm improvin' my Standards of Excellence and purifyin' my whizz! Idiot.

Thu Nov 29 2012

11:06 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

11:11 AM
Gonna be my last weekend before I'm on point with my K-Money Standards of Excellence and hit the streets for my dream lifestyle job.

11:36 AM
K-Money Standards of Excellence- Step #10: Finished up my menu for Guy. Hope he checks it out. Added on some money booze choices.

11:38 AM
My full menu for Guy Fieri's NYC 'rant. The works, really. Full spread. You just gotta check it out, you guys: http://t.co/GRye4gL2

06:43 PM
Step #11: Gonna do some crunches. Maybe 10 or more? Who knows. Not big into tummy muscles, but a toned up core is important, you guys.

11:50 PM
Step #12: Can't sleep. Writin' a "to burn" list. I don't get mad, I get even. Saw that on a tee once. So baddass. Makes alotta sense.

11:54 PM
In life, some folks like to get in your biz. But, wait 'til the time is right. Then crush 'em with the heat of a thousand suns, you guys.

11:59 PM
Some corncobs ain't worth stoppin' to take a hot leak on. But tossin' a cup of whizz in their face as you cruise by is a real power move.

Fri Nov 30 2012

11:00 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

11:17 AM
Whoa. This might be fate, you guys. Could be a chance get in the chef game. Could send 'em my new Guy Fieri menu? http://t.co/uCC3MMom

11:27 AM
Bein' a chef at Chili's is one of the hottest gigs in the 'rant biz. And the babe situaish from the street cred's gotta be off the chain.

11:30 AM
If I was a chef at Chili's I'd have to get a motorcycle. A red one. Man, my bad boy vibes would be so on point.

11:35 AM
Any babe: "So, what do you do?" Me: "I'm a chef. At Chili's." Babe: "Whoa, let's get outta here. As one." Hop on motorcycle, cruise off.

11:43 AM
Workin' at Chili's wouldn't even be like workin' at all. It'd just be like helpin' out at a place I'd pay to be at in the first place.

Sat Dec 01 2012

03:11 PM
Gonna just keep it chillin' today. Gotta be on point Monday. Definitely stickin' to light domestos. They keep your game tight, you guys.

03:13 PM
Coors Light, Miller Lite, or BL? Nothin' bad ever happens when you stick to the trinity. They're mostly just for unlimited refreshment.

03:16 PM
Any bad boy knows Coors Light, Lite, and BL 12 packs come in a lunch box sized dozen of cans 'cause it's a single serving.

03:19 PM
Dirty Thirties? They're for sharin'. But when it comes to a dozen of domesto trinities, you shoulda bought your own. That's guy code.

Sun Dec 02 2012

06:34 PM
Standards of Excellence- Final Step. #13: Set my alarm for 9am to rise from the ashes like the Phoenix with the heat of a thousand suns.

Mon Dec 03 2012

05:27 PM
Got up nice and early to go on the job hunt this mornin'. Stopped at Mickey D's for some 'fast. Saw the McRib was back. Day was kinda over.

05:34 PM
Hung out in the Mickey D's lot eatin' Sausage McMuffs 'til lunch flipped over. Then took down 4 McRibs. The craving was unstoppable.

05:44 PM
Went home to bust out some 'shups to smooth out the McRibs into muscle. Was pretty beat from gettin' up early and needed a snooze.

05:58 PM
A man can't be expected to wake up early, AND stay awake all day, AND exercise. It's not reasonable OR healthy, you guys.

06:15 PM
I had FOUR McRibs today. I'm not some deadbeat. It's not like I l just layed around in bed, DREAMIN' about McRibs all day. Feelin' good.

Tue Dec 04 2012

11:24 AM
Think I might have to get the 'Bring detailed before I hit the job trail. Wanna roll out feelin' fresh n clean. Then, it's time to get paid.

04:05 PM
Just woke up in the 'Bring. Was cleanin' and found a bottle of E&J. Musta been Peanut's. Put on some Billy Ocean and dozed off, reminiscin'.

04:11 PM
Feels right, thinkin' 'bout your dead homie in a parked car, with the heat turned on, Billy Ocean cranked up, and E&J goin' down, you guys.

Wed Dec 05 2012

11:15 AM
Found so much crap in my car yesterday. 9 Arb's bags, 6 Wendy's bags, Billy Squier Greatest Hits CD, 2 half packs of Red's,...

11:23 AM
... a Poloroid of me and Crazy Cooter's buddy Bean Tooth flexin' our bi's, some other Guy Fieri script I wrote called "Bold Weapon,...

11:25 AM
...VHS copy of Caddyshack 2 (vintage), a pair of St. John's bay jean shorts that Dave spilled a burreet on, an old "J" (savin' it),...

11:27 AM
...12 empty 'Rade bottles (red kind), mini Red Wings hockey stick (been lookin') for it, 4 copies of Timehouse, 2 Big Dogs tee's,...

11:31 AM
...a Jackyl cassette, a pack of Dentyne (classic flav), a pack of Johnsonvilles (not good anymore. so bummed), a full MD 20/20 Nana Red,...

11:34 AM
...and a monster bomb sized chest beefer holder I think Dave stole from Brenda's. Not close to done yet. Goin' to finish cleanin.'

Thu Dec 06 2012

02:41 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

02:46 PM
Found a note I wrote to Ann in the 'Bring. Mighta been blacked out when I wrote it 'cause I don't remember. Kinda bummed me out.

02:47 PM
Just need some time alone. Well, with some cold ones, but alone from people and crap.

Fri Dec 07 2012

12:26 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

12:27 PM
Really wish I didn't find that note to Ann yesterday. Made a bunch of feelings come rushin' back. Don't need those. I was so on point.

12:30 PM
Definitely found some other cool stuff in the 'Bring: and unopened Big Red Plen-T-Pack, at least a hundred sauce packs from The Bell,...

12:34 PM
, a Stone Cold Steve Austin Slurpee Cup (collectable), a pretty boss drawing I did of the ZZ Top logo, 4 empty Funyons bags,...

12:42 PM
...an Allman Bros. LP (broken in half, but vintage, jacket is still pretty cool?), gross of bottle rockets, half a 3 liter of Moon Mist,...

12:45 PM
...a pretty big knife that's not mine (kinda concerning?), some rope, and a Dokken baseball hat that I think is Crazy Cooter's. (know it is)

Sat Dec 08 2012

01:11 PM
Crap. It's really Saturday? All I did all week was clean my car? Jeez. Kept track of how many McRibs I ate though. 14. Kinda cool?

04:19 PM
Went down to Little Cas' to tell 'em 'bout my $5 H 'n R delivery service. Said they have drivers. Told 'em, "not K-Money style."

04:24 PM
As an guerilla 'za driver, I'd provide a service a company man can't: No rules. Could even kick up the 'za with my own renegade spices.

04:30 PM
And if a celebraish is rockin' and outta sauce? My trunk is filled with ice, cold ones & liquor 4 sale. Captain Karl is THE booze & 'za man.

04:33 PM
Might hang outside Lil' Caes' and see if any of the drivers wanna get in on this side guerilla delivery action. Could mean big $$$.

04:37 PM
If you want a job, just buy someone else's job from 'em and then make more money at it than they did. It's how Walmart does it, you guys.

Mon Dec 10 2012

09:35 AM
Man, still kinda beat from Saturday, you guys. Might have to just take it easy and rest up.

09:37 AM
When you don't have to go to work on Monday, it's best to start your week on Tuesday. Gives you a 24hr. recharge advantage over everyone.

09:40 AM
Had a blast on Saturday night at work. Paid a guy named Silly Billy $40 to ride along with him on his Lil' Caes 'za deliveries.

09:42 AM
Silly Billy showed me his tether. Said "work don't gotta know." Pretty badass. Kicks off kind of an outlaw vibe. Might have to get one.

09:46 AM
Got pretty bombed on Saturday. I wasn't drivin' the car, so I was drinkin' in it. No need to use math to figure out that equation.

09:50 AM
Never understood why you're not supposed to drink booze in a car even when you're not drivin' it. It's a no reason anti-pleasure law.

09:53 AM
Started kickin' up some of the Hot 'n Readies with my own special blend of herbs & spices. Silly Billy got steamed. Thought it was drugs.

09:56 AM
I wouldn't put drugs on random peoples' 'za. Told Silly Billy, "No need for dope when you're high on bold flavors."

10:05 AM
Wrote down all the addresses of the places we delivered 'za to. Once they get a taste of the K-Money style Hot 'n Ready, they'll be cravin'.

10:10 AM
Woke up in Silly Billy's car at his pad. Guess I dozed off from drinkin' in his car. Drinkin' & ridin' is SO decadent. Real plush.

10:23 AM
How much would people pay for a $5 Hot 'n Ready, K-Money style? Who knows? But it's definitely more.

10:24 AM
Plus, once word gets out that a K-Money Hot 'n Ready comes off the chain with Cheetos on top, I'll be the man.

10:33 AM
When you take someone's else's main thing, and do it a thousand times better just 'cause you can, that's a real power move, you guys.

Tue Dec 11 2012

02:50 PM
Gotta get workin' on my Christmas wish list. I always make sure to ask for great gifts. It shows alotta class and sophisticaish, you guys.

Wed Dec 12 2012

02:00 PM
My Christmas list is lookin' so money, you guys. http://t.co/yvVpNDzR

02:35 PM
Gettin' real steamed at computers, you guys. Sent all my loved ones my 2011 Christmas list by accident. Hope they didn't buy stuff already.

02:37 PM
Sendin' out my new 2012 Christmas List. I got taste with more sophisticaish than last year. http://t.co/D1UGUXbF

03:44 PM
AAARRRGHHH!!!!! SUPER P.O.'d! Sendin' out my Christmas wish list for 2012 again. Shouldn't've drank lunch cold ones. http://t.co/1vAeF1Up

03:50 PM
Gonna have to send out a big apology letter for so many Christmas list computer email screw ups. Don't wanna look desperate or slow.

03:52 PM
If people aren't understanding when you make mistakes in the afternoon 'cause of lunch beers, they weren't your friends in the first place.

03:54 PM
It's Friday. That's when lunch beers go down the smoothest. Wait, it's Thursday? Whatever. Thursday lunch beers are cool too.

03:56 PM
It's WEDNESDAY?! Fine. WEDNESDAY lunch cold ones rock just as hard as Thursday AND Friday. I'm not some slave to "days," you guys.

03:59 PM
In the USA, you can drink EVERY day. It's called the freedom of bein' an American. In China, they cut off your hand or some crap for it.

Thu Dec 13 2012

11:33 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

12:35 PM
Been hard focusin' on crap lately. Seems like the more free time I have, the less I get done. I'm best under pressure, like Michael Jordan.

12:56 PM
Gotta get my mind on focused. Sometimes I think I'm too smart to handle my off the chain brain waves. Might smoke some weed?

Fri Dec 14 2012

11:55 AM
Makes me so steamed when a piece of trash has to go and stink up the USA.

11:55 AM
So sick of this.

Sat Dec 15 2012

12:00 PM
Shed a few tears yesterday. Saw my man Barry O. did too. Ain't nothin' wrong with havin' love for your fellow Americans, you guys.

12:15 PM
Worry sometimes that the world is turnin' into a garbage pile. Think technology isn't always good. Makes folks forget what "real" is.

12:17 PM
Sure, you can do almost everything on computers now. Doesn't mean you have to. Goin' to the mall and hatin' everyone's guts is a tradition.

12:23 PM
Some people like to just stay home and do EVERYTHING on the computer. Not me. I like to press the flesh on the streets, you guys.

12:40 PM
Some crap you can't do on a computer; like drinkin' cold ones at Chili's, changin' a flat, or 'shups. They're probs workin' on it though.

12:43 PM
A real USA man knows how to give a firm handshake, can do at least 10 'shups, shoot a whisky, and change a tire. If you can't, you're a boy.

12:47 PM
A real USA man rocks the new ZZ Top album. Not just the old stuff. If you don't, you're a boy.

12:50 PM
A real USA man thinks Miranda Lambert is a smokin' babe. With the curves to ease your nerves. If you don't, you're a boy. (So smokin'.)

01:06 PM
A real USA man knows the real reason to open a door for a babe. So you can peep that caboose when she walks by, you guys.

01:13 PM
Went over to Ann's yesterday. Wanted to see my kids and give 'em a "what's up" hug. Saw a new Buick Regal in the driveway. Kinda concerning.

01:16 PM
Ann answered the door with some corncob. Said, this is my "friend," Gary. Got so steamed. Ann is MY babe! We're divorced, but still.

01:20 PM
Gary looked like a real pile. Had big guy beefers, weak Dockers, some lame blue shirt. Gave me the sweatiest limp hand shake in history.

01:39 PM
Told Gary, "I'm Karl. K-Money on the streets. Just here to see my kids." Angled my 'rang at him and handled my pony. Real power move.

01:42 PM
Barged past Gary into the living room. My daughters just got up and went in their room. So rude. I made a special visit!

01:45 PM
Heard Gary say, "Who is that. You're ex?" Said, "I'm the MAIN man. That's who. And your mouth is on silent 'til I leave." Shut him down.

01:46 PM
My son came out of the kitchen. Said, "Daddy!" Really showed respect. Gave him a big hug, right in Gary's face.

01:50 PM
Guess my son isn't into Harry Potter crap anymore 'cause he showed me his new John Cena DVD. Got choked up. Never been so proud.

01:51 PM
When your son starts likin' wrestling instead of magic, it's kinda like gettin' pubes, but for your mind. So special.

01:54 PM
My son Chad's a good kid. But we could never hang out before 'cause of his garbage taste in interests. Now, maybe I should be in his life?

01:58 PM
Made myself a coffee mug of Ann's wine and told Chad, "let's watch John Cena. Together, son." Cena's for kids, but he supports the troops.

02:01 PM
If you're drinkin' booze in front of kids, do it in a coffee mug. It's more "adult" and looks like you're thinkin' grown up stuff, you guys.

02:06 PM
Told Ann, "Hey Ann! Looks like ol' Karl's gonna be stoppin' by alot more often now that Chad doesn't suck so hard!" Gave him a wink.

02:10 PM
Gary said, "I think I'm gonna go." Told him, "Are you late to go suck somewhere else?" Took a sip of my coffee mug wine, like a boss player.

02:12 PM
Watched the rest of the John Cena DVD with Chad. Felt good. Like, I don't know. Like he was my SON. Man. So money.

02:19 PM
Now, more than ever, is the time to love your family and support the USA. Let's stand strong together, hand in hand, you guys.

02:25 PM
Never be ashamed to stand up and say you're a patriot. I bleed red, white, blue and beer. 24/7. 365. Open on Sundays. http://t.co/jbfN586I

Sun Dec 16 2012

08:30 PM
Had a great day 'cept for the Lions bein' a pile of ripe toilet filler. Was good to reconnect with my son yesterday. Still feelin pos vibes.

08:33 PM
My son Chad wanted to hang out again today. Told him, "Easy. It's Sunday. Bein' a Dad can't be an EVERY day thing." Gotta take it slow.

08:50 PM
Wonder what's goin' on at Ann's for Christmas? With my son back in my life, it means I don't need an invite. Karl's in the house.

Mon Dec 17 2012

02:00 PM
Asked Ann what's up for the Christmas celebraish. Said, "I don't think Gary's comfortable with you around." Course he isn't. I'm all beef.

02:02 PM
Ann said she'd discuss me joinin' them for Christmas with Gary. Ann never "discussed" decisions with me. Such a load. I got a raw deal.

02:05 PM
It was always, "do this, Karl." "Do that, Karl." "Go to some crap soccer picnic on your day off, Karl." I never had a choice. Always hurt.

02:09 PM
If Gary's thinks he's gonna ace me out of my right to rock out Christmas with the fam, he's got another thing comin'. From me.

02:13 PM
You mess with me? I'll whizz on your car. I don't care. Super hot whizz, all over your the door handle. You touch my whizz? I own you.

02:50 PM
Squirtin' your whizz on another person's property is the legal, safe way to get revenge. No need for violence like some no class animal.

Tue Dec 18 2012

01:47 PM
Went over to Ann's last night with Dave. That corncob Gary's Regal was in the driveway. Made some whizz all over it, tag team style.

01:54 PM
Gary's door was open, so Dave whizzed on the driver's seat. Said he "had to get it on." Might be illegal? Not sure. Seems too specific.

02:02 PM
When you soak another man's driver's seat with whizz, they'll be watchin' their back for days, you guys.

02:22 PM
Had a little celebraish at Outback Steakhouse with Dave after we whizzed up Gary's Regal. Worked up a mean natural vandalism hunger.

02:27 PM
We both took down the Lob & Shrimp Topped Victoria's Filet. Man, such bold flavors. Really paired well with the Top Shelf Margs.

02:30 PM
Finished up at Outback with several Gingerbread Cookie 'Tini's. Guess they're an Aussie holiday tradish. Didn't pair well with the margs.

02:33 PM
Dave got pretty ill. Barfed up his Lob Shrimp Steak entree and the Margs & Gingerbread Cookie 'Tinis all over the Outback booth. Disaster.

02:36 PM
The server said, "Oh my God! Sir, please go to the restroom!" Told him, we PAID, so it's chill. Plus, it's only Outback eats barf, mate.

02:41 PM
Outback needs a warning to not drink Top Shelf Margs AND Gingerbread 'Tinis in the same sitting. Felt bad for Dave. Barfed all his sauce.

02:44 PM
If you upchuck your booze in a restaurant before it makes you bombed, you shouldn't have to pay. Should be a law, you guys.

02:52 PM
'Round the holidays, everyone barfs several times. It's unavoidable. No need to judge others when you'll be hurlin' sooner or later too.

10:35 PM
Dave just woke me up messin' around packin' up canned goods. Said the end of world is in a few days and wants to get prepared. Idiot.

10:36 PM
If the end of the world is comin', stashin' cans of Dinty Moore isn't gonna stop anything. At least eat it now so it doesn't go to waste.

10:38 PM
Dave also thought the end of the world was LAST year. So stupid. It could be ANY year. That's why I rock 24/7, 365. Open on Sundays.

10:42 PM
Dave said the Mayans have some calendar that says the world ends on Friday. If anything it'd be on a Tuesday. Tuesdays are worthless anyway.

10:49 PM
Where'd the Mayans get a "calendar" anway? The ancient mall? "It say on carved rock Corvette calendar that world end on Dec. 21, 2012!"

10:54 PM
I'm not takin' end of the world advice from 10,000 years ago half monkey people who probably ate their own stinky, you guys.

Wed Dec 19 2012

02:30 PM
Asked Dave if he wanted to go for Wing Wednesday lunch. He said, "What the point? World's gonna end." What's a better reason than that?!

02:36 PM
If I thought the world was gonna end, I'd fly first class down to Cabo and hang with Sammy Hagar. Really go out rockin' in style.

Thu Dec 20 2012

11:02 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

01:48 PM
Dave's locked in his room. Says, "He's gotta make peace with himself before the end of the world." How? With solo carnal passions? Ha!

01:52 PM
Wonder how Dave's makin' bathroom? Probably a bucket situaish. Don't see the Home Depot 5 gallon "ash tray" on the deck. Kinda concerning.

01:54 PM
Hidin' in your room, strokin' your peener, shovelin' in Dinty Moore, and makin' BM in a bucket is no way to face the end, you guys.

02:01 PM
I don't think the world is gonna end, but if it is, there's no better place to buy the farm than at Chili's. So comforting.

02:04 PM
Whether it's a big birthday celebraish, or the end of days, Chili's always feels right, you guys.

02:07 PM
Chili's has margs, cold ones, ribs, hamburgs, AND 'chos. They're your one stop last meal headquarters.

02:11 PM
To be safe, I'm not gonna buy any Christmas presents 'til after this "end of the world" horsecrap. Hate to waste a buncha my bread.

Fri Dec 21 2012

11:54 AM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Looks like the world didn't end. Pretty cool. Might be time for a lil' celebraish?

12:05 PM
Bet all those religious corncobs who killed themselves so they didn't have to face the music feel pretty stupid today.

01:01 PM
Wasn't too worried about the end of the world comin' anyway. I woulda just Stone Cold stunned it back to caveman times, USA style.

01:04 PM
The Apocalypse: "It's the end of the world!" Me: "No it ain't, you piece of trash." (break the glass)

01:10 PM
Crazy Cooter just called. Said he's havin' a bash tonight, "for the end of times and all that dumb f*ckin' sh*t." Sounds like a blast.

01:16 PM
Dave still won't come out of his room. Says it's not "safe" 'til after midnight. Idiot.

Sat Dec 22 2012

06:21 PM
Really hurtin'. Feel like I drank about a thousand beers last night, you guys.

06:32 PM
Crap got kinda weird at Crazy Cooter's, "For The End of Times and All That Dumb F*ckin' Sh*t Bash." Even had a sign that said that.

06:44 PM
Just gonna lay here and feel like hot garbage while I watch the Lions play like it.

Sun Dec 23 2012

06:35 PM
Kinda havin' some issues with events from Crazy Cooter's, "For The End of Times and All That Dumb F*ckin' Sh*t, Bash."

06:37 PM
The celebraish was rockin'. Crazy Cooter even went bonkers and sprung for like 6 kinds of D'Reets on his own dime. Real generous of Coot.

06:42 PM
Any celebraish worth a hot crap goes all out with AT LEAST 4 kinds of D'Reets, you guys. I like variety when I'm munchin'.

06:53 PM
So anyway, I kinda dozed off when I was chillin' in the hot corner with my private bottle of Crown, waitin' for the babes to slide by.

06:59 PM
When I woke up, Crazy Cooter was makin' aggressive from behind passions to Biggie Smalls in the living room while Ratface was takin' pics.

07:03 PM
Crazy Cooter kept screamin', "I am f*cking you! I am f*cking you!" It was pretty nasty, and not arousing at all in my guy zone.

07:10 PM
Don't know why Ratface was takin' pics of Cooter givin' Biggie Smalls a romantic insert. It's a memory you wanna puke out your brain.

07:21 PM
Thought it'd be best to split so I grabbed a bag of D'Reets for the road. Ratface said, "It's cool to perv on your crank, Welzein."

07:24 PM
Just 'cause 2 folks are havin' carnal passions in a room with you, it doesn't mean you should "perv on your crank." Not my style.

07:33 PM
Guess Biggie Smalls ripped a thick beef when Crazy was still physically engaged in her bod 'cause he started gaggin' pretty bad.

07:36 PM
Coot said, "Ah f*ck! That is f*ckin' rank, motherf*cker! You got sh*t all on my d*ck!" Hurled all over Biggie Smalls' back. I had to go.

07:39 PM
When an overweight gal gets hurled on after she has an accidental backdoor release on a pal's privates, the party's over, you guys.

07:59 PM
Turned around to get out the door and noticed Beantooth pervin' on his crank in a chair. Didn't even stop after the Cooter puke situaish.

08:02 PM
A man shouldn't tug on his peener when there's a post carnal throw up situaish in motion. Guess Beantooth craves the strange and nasty.

08:05 PM
From where Ratface was takin' pics, think I might be in the backround of Coot and Biggie Smalls gettin' carnal. Kinda concerning.

08:08 PM
Sure, on the streets it's cool to be casual with an adults only one on one carnal passions barf sesh, but I'm a family man in private.

08:10 PM
Gonna hit up Ann 'bout the Christmas celebraish. Better step up my cold one intake with a side of Jim to be loose and conversational.

Mon Dec 24 2012

07:26 PM
Still no word from Ann on the Christmas celebraish. Think I called last night? Mighta got too loose and conversational.

Wed Dec 26 2012

06:34 PM
Really hurtin'. Christmas 2012 pretty much rocked it, you guys.

06:37 PM
Never got any word from Ann about the Christmas celebraish. Guess she forgot to hit me up. Pretty rude. Decided to just cruise over.

06:43 PM
Hooked it up with a tall Vernor's & Jim Beam for the drive over. Always takes me back with the classic bold flavors of Christmas past.

06:52 PM
That corncob Gary's Buick Regal was in the driveway. Got pretty steamed. Sure he told Ann I couldn't come by. Bet she craves my touch.

06:56 PM
If I was another guy, I wouldn't want me in the general area of my gal either. Babes crave my masculine vibes. That's a natural fact.

06:59 PM
Plus, Gary knows I already made it carnal with Ann at least several times. Has to really burn him how I already put it to her hot 'n proper.

07:11 PM
Gary answered the door. He said, "I don't think this is a good idea." I pointed at my Vernor's and Jim Beam and told him, zip it, sunshine.

07:14 PM
When a real man is buzzed to perfection on Christmas mornin' bourbon, everyone else is just in the way, you guys.

07:21 PM
Ann came out, I told her, lets get busy on the gifts! Showed her the WWE wrestling belt I got for my son. In the box and everything.

07:27 PM
Ann said, "Karl, to be honest we kinda just hoped you'd get drunk and not show up." Really hurt. I'm not some lowlife, I'm always on point.

07:37 PM
Gave the wrestling belt to Gary, told him, "Fine, just give this to MY son. You know, the one I made with Ann's body." Such a power move.

07:40 PM
Told Gary before I left, "And by the way, hope you enjoyed the whizz." Clutched my man veggies and gave him a bad boy wink. So money.

07:55 PM
Decided to just rock it solo for Christmas. Made TWO Red Baron's. Supreme. Kicked 'em up with my own 3 cheese blend and secret spices.

08:06 PM
Took down a whole bottle of Beam AND a bunch of cold ones, plus most of the 'za. It was Christmas done right.

08:11 PM
Last year, I hooked up with Peanut on Christmas. Shed a few tears about it over my Beam. Wish he didn't die in my car. Still busts me up.

08:11 PM
Peanut. RIP. Never forget, you guys.

Thu Dec 27 2012

10:59 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

Fri Dec 28 2012

12:00 PM
Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Comin' up on the last weekend of the year. Gotta make sure to rock it from coast to coast.

12:23 PM
Thought about workin' on a NYE resoloosh, but it's tough to pin down a problem when your life is pretty much on point with perfection.

12:27 PM
When your life is piled high, with all the toppings, all a man can really ask for is a ice cold one to wash it down, you guys.

12:42 PM
I mean, sure, I've had some minor problems this year, but they were out of my control. I can't be expected to play God and all that crap.

12:44 PM
Would I have preferred that my best homeless friend not have died in my car? Yes. But I don't pull the strings.

12:48 PM
Is my boat currently knocked over on its side in the parkin' lot, covered in dirty snow? Yes. But I'd certainly rather it not be.

12:52 PM
Is the windshield smashed on my 'Bring? Yes. You think I like drivin' leaned over to the side? It's not very chill.

12:56 PM
Was I fired from my job? Yes. Wasn't my fault. They took a million years to fix the guy's john! Really screwed me bent over.

01:01 PM
Did my wife divorce me this year? Yes. Would I have preferred us to stay carnal and turn up the steam? Yes. But she didn't. Her loss.

01:16 PM
But, man, I did alotta cool crap this year. Don't remember much of it 'cause I was rockin' too hard. Why I write most of it down.

01:24 PM
There's no need to remember EVERYTHING. That's what notebooks and Arb's napkins are for. They're brain paper to free up thinkin' space.

01:37 PM
With some help from the Big Man, if I crank up my bad boy swag, and focus my carnal vibes, 2013 could be the year to crush everyone's face.

01:42 PM
Look out 2013. K-Money's comin', with the heat of a thousand suns, you guys.

01:54 PM
Dave just said we should try and drink 100 of those BL Azulitas, tag team style. Gonna go for it. Last weekend of 2012, let's roll.

Sun Dec 30 2012

12:11 PM
Really lookin' forward to the NYE celebraish, you guys.

12:42 PM
Could sure use a Lions W today. Paired up with the State B-Dubs Bowl win could really close out the year rockin'.

01:06 PM
So steamed right now.

01:11 PM
The Lions just stink. They always stink. So sick of this. A Michigan man deserves better. I crave perfection! Gonna get bombed, you guys.

01:15 PM
My football team shouldn't be such a pile of hot steamers! My name's Karl Welzein, not Crap Stinkzone. Really P.O.'d. Crown. Shots. Now.

01:23 PM
The Lion's should just change the logo on their helmet to a big brown steamin' cat turd. Maybes have some flies around it for added detail.

01:28 PM
Lions stink, 'Stones stink, Tigers lost, Wings can't play. So sick of this. It's like Detroit is God's toilet, and he's got the juicy runs.

01:31 PM
Goin' to grunt out an angry premie with a cold one. Need some toilet therapy.

04:24 PM
Feelin' better. Sometimes you just need a hot sit down in the john to hard grunt your anger & anxiety into the bowl. Saw that on Dr. Phil.

07:48 PM
Been workin' on my NYE dish for tomorrow. Captain Karl's Bold Ball. It's a real man's cheese ball, that's off the chain. Ha!

07:52 PM
Captain Karl's Bold Ball starts with 2 packs of real Philly cream cheese. Don't get "lite" or cheap brand crap. It's a holiday, you guys.

07:53 PM
Then I add in 2 sacks of shredded pepper jack. It has the hot taste I crave in my mouth when I'm snackin'.

07:56 PM
Next is a crap load of Frank's. I don't measure, just dump it in and eyeball it for taste. Don't be weak about it though. Just use, "lots."

07:59 PM
I like to add in a bunch of chopped pickled 'Peños. Pickled 'Peños turn any dish into a crowd pleaser.

08:01 PM
Now, cook up some bacon in a pan. Like a pack of it. Chop that crap up and mix it in for bold flavor pleasures.

08:02 PM
Now, put in a few dumps of blue cheese dressin'. Man, it really cools down the heat and lets you keep shovelin' in the ball ASAP.

08:06 PM
Also, throw some chopped up chives in there. Green color makes it look money and lets the babes know you're gourmet and sensual.

08:09 PM
Mix all that crap up and make a ball. Then roll it in some chopped nuts. Maybes 'Stachios? Somethin' nice and primo shows class, you guys.

08:11 PM
Serve Captain Karl's Bold Ball with some a them half pretzel half cracker deals or whatever. Just make sure the babes see you bring it out.

08:14 PM
When babes see you serve Captain Karl's Big Bold Ball on NYE, man, the midnight countdown passions are guaranteed to be mega carnal & more.

09:56 PM
Decided to lay off the booze to keep it chillin' and rested for tomorr. Already pretty bombed, so just gonna smoke some chillin' weed.

09:58 PM
Smokin' weed responsibly 'round the holidays if you're a grown up keeps it chillin' the most, you guys.

Look out, Hollywood head honchos, 'cause this is Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt, (starring Guy Fieri) comin' at ya to crush your face. This is for sale for $$$, and there's no need to be stingy 'bout it 'cause, man, it's complete with the all the scenes and ready to rock. Never before has the world seen such carnal passion, red hot action, and classic cool in one package before. And once you peep the final scene, you won't wanna look at other crap ever again. It's just so off the chain. So get out your check books, sit back with a cold one, and feast your eyes on some American gold, bad boy movie style. Man, can't wait 'til you get to scene 4. Better use the john first so you can enjoy the whole thing without a BM break.

Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt
Starring Guy Fieri
Written by Karl Welzein

SCENE 1

Night. A bar in the Flint area. (It also serves some of the best eats in the USA. Cheetos on anything for $1. Sammies are all piled high. The works, really. Full spread.) A kickass neon sign says, "Captain Karl's Pizza Ship." Van Halen is on stage rockin' so hard. There's chest beefers from coast to coast. It's pretty much the biggest celebraish anyone's ever seen. Guy Cooler (played by Guy Fieri) is hangin' out behind the bar, peepin' all the babes and makin' sure everyone's safe. The owner, Captain Karl, is doin' a new dance that's sweepin' the nation called "The Peener" with 4-6 consensual babes, ripe with all the toppings. Drippin' with sweat (the wet look) Karl decides to play the hot corner for a cold one, and calls Cooler over for a guy to Guy.

CAPTAIN KARL: Man, you sure cleaned things up around these parts, kimosabe. Captain Karl's Pizza Ship used to be riddled with Oriental Mafia crime. Not anymore, now it's a 24/7, 365, celebraish. Open on Sundays (winks).

GUY COOLER: Yeah, it's so money. Thanks for lettin' me kick things up in the kitchen on my time off for free.

CAPTAIN KARL: My pleasure. The menu is so on point. And such a great value for the large portions.

GUY COOLER: Yeah, but I gotta hand it to you, the "Cheetos on anything for an extra $1" idea is really off the chain. Adds such a great texture to any dish.

GUY COOLER and CAPTAIN KARL (together): Bold flavors. (They do a badass handshake from the streets. Some babes see it and give a carnal stare.)

GUY COOLER: Uh oh. Looks like you thanked me too soon. Look, it's Doug Carlson. He's pretty much the biggest load in town.

DOUG CARLSON: Well, well, well. Captain Karl. Looks like you got a real hot spot on your hands. What do ya say I take it off your hands for a cool million?

CAPTAIN KARL: Beat it Doug. I don't need your money. Besides, this is "Captain KARL'S Pizza Ship," not "Corncob Doug's Sissy Boat."

DOUG CARLSON: Watch your mouth, Karl.

Guy Cooler starts to laugh. He knows Doug ain't all man.

DOUG CARLSON: What do you think you're laughin' at?

CAPTAIN KARL: Listen buddy, (points at him) that's Guy Cooler. He's probably the #1 badass in the USA right now.

DOUG CARLSON: I don't care who he is. Tino, show Mr. Hilarious over here what it's like, one on one.

Some idiot named "Tino" walks out from behind Doug. He's a real piece of trash. Probably couldn't even do 10 'shups. Guy Cooler tries not to fight him 'cause that's his code, but in the end, he has to crush his face in like a thousand times 'cause he had no choice. It's sad, but it happens right when Van Halen is rockin' "Somebody Get Me A Doctor" so it's actually one of the coolest things that's ever happened.

DOUG CARLSON: You just smashed up the toughest guy in my crew! You'll pay for this!

Van Halen is still rockin'. But now it's "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love."

CAPTAIN KARL: I'd hit the bricks if I were you. Unless you wanna have a pose down, bad boy style.

(Captain Karl rips his shirt off. You can tell he's been workin' out and eatin' right just in case he has to get it on.)

DOUG CARLSON (shaking in his shoes): Tino! You pile of garbage! Get off the floor and stop bleedin'. Let's get outta here. Karl, I'll see you again. And Guy Cooler, you better watch your back.

GUY COOLER: 'Nah, I think I'll let my main man Captain Karl watch it for me.

CAPTAIN KARL: Guy code.

Doug Carlson and Tino limp outta the bar. So weak; Tino's face looks like burger meat. Captain Karl goes back to the dance floor (still no shirt on, rockin' pony is wet and looks really carnal, the lights hit his 'rang just right) and all those babes that were givin' him the carnal stare know it's time to party like never before. He's pretty much the man. Guy Cooler goes back behind the bar and starts throwin' brews to Captain Karl like he's Stone Cold Steve Austin. Everyone goes bonkers. Guy Cooler and Captain Karl know to crank up the celebraish with the heat of a thousand suns, 'cause that load Doug Carlson'll probably be back around again stickin' his nose into crap real soon.

-END OF SCENE 1-

SCENE 2

Morning. Guy Cooler's barn apartment. It's like an apartment, but it's above a barn so it's pretty mysterious, yet badass, so he can keep to himself and live by his code of honor. Also, it's on a river. Guy Cooler rents it from some old man who lives in the farmhouse that we never see 'cause who cares. His pad's actually pretty money. There's a big neon Crown Royal sign on the wall and everything. At least 3 babes wake up with their chest beefers out (Rated R) and hit the bricks without sayin' any dumb crap 'cause they know Guy has to do martial arts to stay in primo shape. He starts doin' roundhouse kicks like a maniac on an old heavy bag in the corner, Rocky style. Then, Captain Karl shows up to rap about the night before and get the 411.

CAPTAIN KARL: Man, just saw those babes leave. Looks like you went off the chain. Had me some thick and natural adult action myself. Real consensual, like Jamie Lee Curtis when she was still mature, but not like now. (makes the curvy babe hand sign that lets you know her shape was on point)

GUY COOLER: After a night like that, a real bad boy needs some steamy carnal passions like never before. (winks)

CAPTAIN KARL: Yeah, you really crushed that idiot's face in. (does a couple 'shups)

GUY COOLER: I had no choice. (Puts on a pair of shades, silver with orange lenses, probably Oakley's, to show how he's regretful and private, and does another roundhouse kick. It's so powerful that the bag almost explodes and probably would've if he wanted it to.)

CAPTAIN KARL: (already wearin' his Maui Jim's 'cause he's really hurtin' from drinkin' about a thousand cold ones) Here, I brought you a sammy. Thought you'd need it. I already polished mine off in the car on the way over. (we cut to a flashback of Captain Karl drivin' over just moments before, rockin' out to Seger's "Hollywood Nights" and eatin' the SAME sammy. Then, he does the "Captain Karl's Carnal Trifecta" which is: #1 Slow down. #2 Honk and #3 Ease down the shades. It really enforces how he's the man at all times, not just after hours.)

GUY COOLER: Is it piled high?

CAPTAIN KARL: Of course. You practically invented it. Thick cut applewood bacon, fries, zesty jalapeno slaw, super tender roast beef, slow roasted turkey, plenty of mayo, all topped with melted provolone and Cheetos. It's so money. You just gotta check it out.

GUY COOLER: Man, I'd eat that off a flip flop. (Guy Cooler takes some big bites. Then takes some more, but even bigger. The audience is probably like, "whoa." It's a real man's sammy. Some of the super tender roast beef falls out but Guy catches it in his hand because of his martial arts reflexes. It shows you why he's the best in the business.)

CAPTAIN KARL: I gotta go take a BM. Be right back. (Captain Karl goes in the john. It actually looks pretty cool, not gross 'cause it's just natural and keeps the film based in reality.)

After a couple minutes of Guy Cooler and Captain Karl rappin' about last night's babes through the john door, we hear monster trucks outside. Guy Cooler dives out the window on top of one and starts punchin' the windshield in. Captain Karl grunts out a premie and comes outta the john with a chainsaw, but runs down the stairs instead of divin' out the window. . .'cause he's carryin' a chainsaw.

GUY COOLER: (yellin' his head off over the monster trucks) Where'd you get that chainsaw?!

CAPTAIN KARL: It was in the john!

GUY COOLER: Quick, try to saw the other truck's tires open! (It's a great idea)

The monster truck drives through the farm house and murders the old man who lives inside. It looks badass so it's a good thing we never got to know him or it'd be sad. Guy Cooler dives off the monster truck where he's tryin' the punch the windshield in, and runs to help, 'cause it's his code to help with safety first, kickin' ass second. But they're too late.

GUY COOLER: Noooo! I'm really steamed.

The monster trucks peel out and drive through the river otherwise Guy Cooler and Captain Karl woulda probably followed 'em in Guy's Camaro.

CAPTAIN KARL: Musta been that idiot Doug Carlson who sent those corncobs. Wish I could get my mitts on him behind the scenes.

GUY COOLER: We might need back up on this. (we cut to a picture of an elderly badass on Guy's nightstand upstairs.)

CAPTAIN KARL: You mean. . .

GUY COOLER: That's right. My father. Barry Cooler. (Played by Barry from Storage Wars)

CAPTAIN KARL: Man.

Captain Karl and Guy Cooler know the old man didn't have any friends or family, so they decide to send him to the afterlife in the ways of the ancient warriors and light his pile of rubble farmhouse on fire. Kid Rock's "Only God Knows Why" plays in the backround. We see 'em poundin' a dirty 30 of Busch and havin' a blast. It's a celebration of life and not disrespectful. It's the perfect time for an real man to put his arm around a babe that he's watching the movie with.

-END OF SCENE 2-

SCENE 3

Afternoon. Some roadside dive or diner where the owners are doin' things, their own way. Captain Karl and Guy Cooler (played by Guy Fieri) are sittin' in a booth, enjoying a hearty plate of 'chos, piled high with pulled pork, 3 kinds of cheese, homemade pinto beans made with peppered bacon, fresh pico de gallo, cool sour cream, and pickled jalapenos for a real kick. The pork is slow smoked in house. It's real tender. But here's the twist, instead of tortilla chips, the 'chos come on top of tater tots, double fried so they stay crispy. The chef, Mark, tops 'em all off with his own homemade chipotle bbq sauce. It's a new spin on an old classic.

CHEF MARK: (from the kitchen) How's the BBQ 'Chos, fellas?

CAPTAIN KARL: (gives the thumbs up, then a finger gun point combo) This is outta bounds with bold flavors.

GUY COOLER: Winner winner, nacho dinner. Nice job. (gives Chef Mark a fist bump)

CAPTAIN KARL: (Grabbin' a nice big hunk of that slow smoked pork between his thumb and forefinger. We get a real tight shot of it so you can see how juicy the pork is. Probably 'cause it soaks it for 48 hrs. in a brine with apple cider vinegar, brown sugar, and Chef Mark's secret rub.) So, you think he'll show? (puts the whole hunk of pork in his mouth. You can tell he's got a real hunger for life.)

GUY COOLER: He'll show. The old man just likes to take his time.

Just then, a big badass knife like the one from Rambo II comes through the window, flies into the kitchen, and shreds into Chef Mark's skull. It's kinda concerning.)

CAPTAIN KARL: So sick of this! Take cover, pronto!

Guy Cooler and Captain Karl dive over the counter and into the kitchen in slow mo. We can tell the action is really heatin' up around town and some stuff is about to go down.

GUY COOLER: (reachin' his hand up on the counter for another bite of that slow smoked pork and takin' a bite.) Guess we won't be seein' Chef Mark next time we're rollin' out. RIP. (Puts his back up pair of shades over Chef Mark's lifeless eyes.)

Bells jingle as the door to the joint opens up and we hear someone slowly walkin' in. All you can see are some badass snakeskin cowboy boots. Then, that someone says,

"Boys, I think I found one of your little friends screwin' around outside."

GUY COOLER: Pop?!

"Yer goddamn right."

The camera goes for a close-up of Guy Cooler's father, Barry Cooler. (Played by Barry from Storage Wars.)

BARRY COOLER: Here, I brought you a souvenir. (Barry throws some scumbag's severed head on the ground. It obviously belongs to the idiot who threw the Rambo knife and killed Chef Mark, so right away, we know Barry Cooler is a master of street justice.)

Barry Cooler kneels down next to Chef Mark's corpse.

BARRY COOLER: Well, well, well. A Rambo knife? Haven't seen one of these since back in 'Nam. Looks like you're dealin' with some pretty heavy hitters. Say, who's your amigo? (gives a nod to Captain Karl who's polishin' off the BBQ 'Cho lefties so they don't go to waste.)

GUY COOLER: Pop, this is my main man and boss, Captain Karl. I work for him over at Captain Karl's Pizza Ship. You can trust him. He's pretty much the man.

BARRY COOLER: Captain Karl, huh? Rings a bell. Think I heard you're one of the hardest partiers in the Flint area.

CAPTAIN KARL: (gives Barry Cooler a handshake from the streets) It's an honor, Mr. Cooler. (We see there's a mutual respect, guy to guy.) That assclown whose head you ripped off worked for a guy name Doug Carlson. He's the biggest load in town.

BARRY COOLER: Mr. Cooler? Please, all my friends call me B-Dog. Now, what do ya say we go clean up these pieces of trash.

CAPTAIN KARL: You just read my mind, B-Dog. But first, let's all head over to the Pizza Ship for a lil' pre-celebraish. Nothin' serious. Just have a few to get loose and conversational.

BARRY COOLER: Man. Now YOU just read MY mind. Could sure go for a cold one right now.

GUY COOLER: Chef Mark would've wanted it that way. RIP.

Kid Rock's "Cowboy" starts playin' in the backround.

All 3 of them give Chef Mark's body one last fist bump. It's the kinda part in a movie where a real macho man can let a few tears out and it's understandable 'cause it's SO badass yet relatable. The guys all walk out in slow mo and jump in their sweet rides. Captain Karl & Guy Cooler get in the Camaro, buddy style, and Barry Cooler gets into his black, 1986 Chevy Monte Carlo SS. Man, it's so boss. They peel out real nasty. Then, we cut to Captain Karl, Guy, and Barry back at Captain Karl's Pizza Ship, havin' some laughs, cold ones, and enjoyin' some complimentary Triscuits & Mayo while Kid Rock keeps crankin' as the soundtrack. There's probably 3-4 smokin' babes getting' down next to their table too. After this one last celebraish, it's on.

-END OF SCENE 3-

SCENE 4

Morning. Captain Karl's Pizza Ship. Captain Karl, Guy Cooler (played by Guy Fieri), and his elderly badass father, Barry Cooler (played by Barry from Storage Wars), are really hurtin'. They tried to keep things loose and conversational last night, but knowin' that their 3-way bad boy celebraish was only for a limited time, they had to take advantage. The 'Za Ship is pretty much a disaster. When word got around that Captain Karl, Guy Cooler, and B-Dog were rockin' with the heat of a thousand suns, just about everyone in town wanted to stop by to vibe on the action. (Mostly babes. SOME guys. But MOSTLY, thick and all natural babes.) Peanut, a smooth soul brother from the streets who Captain Karl gave a job cleanin' up the joint, comes outta the john where he lives at night.

PEANUT (Played by Lionel Richie or Martin Lawrence. Who ever does the audition the best.): Yo' K-Money! You was kickin' it with mad swag last night. (they do a soul brother handshake) And by the way, props for givin' me that Rambo knife that killed your friend, Chef Mark.

CAPTAIN KARL: Mornin' Peanut. You put that knife to use for good on the streets. Say, how 'bout makin' us a batch of Gatorpagne?

PEANUT: Half Gatorade, half Champagne?

BARRY COOLER (Crawlin' out from under a big pile of babes' lingerie left from the contest that we'll learn about next so it makes sense): 'Cause hydration don't need a reason to celebrate. I like your style, Captain Karl.

CAPTAIN KARL: Where's my main man Guy, at? Haven't seen him since he was goin' bonkers on the dance floor to Billy Ocean's, "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" during "The Official Captain Karl's Pizza Ship Topless Babe Contest," that I invented last night.

Flashback to Guy Cooler, surrounded by topless babes. All the chest beefers are supreme, and Guy is givin' 'em all a "quality review" while bustin' out the funkiest "Peener" anyone's ever seen. It's real loose and consensual. Billy Ocean's "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" is rockin' hard on the juke in the backround (or maybe the Billy Ocean is there if he wants to be in the movie). Guy Cooler falls to the ground and all the topless babes collapse on top of him. Then, Guy sticks his head out of the beefer pile, looks into the camera, tips his shades and winks. End of flashback.

CAPTAIN KARL: Man.

BARRY COOLER: I haven't seen him since Kirk Gibson stopped by.

CAPTAIN KARL: Gibby was here?

BARRY COOLER: You don't remember? He was with Kid Rock. You guys musta rapped for an hour in your private office about business and crap.

CAPTAIN KARL: That's so money. I mean, I've known Bob for years, but it's good to know Gibby's on board with the CK 'Za Ship crew.

BARRY COOLER: Yeah, check it out. (Barry Cooler pulls out a framed '84 Tigers Gibby jersey from underneath the lingerie pile. It's signed, "To Captain Karl, the hardest partier in the Flint area. Keep in touch, Kirk Gibson."

CAPTAIN KARL: Whoa. Might have to hang that in my private john.

PEANUT: Here come that Gatorpagne, K. . .Yo, ya'll hear that shit?

We see Peanut drop the pitcher of Gatorpagne on the ground in slow mo. It looks ice cold and refreshin' in the close up, but then smashes on the floor. Peanut reaches into his black leather trench coat (like the one Hawk wears on Spenser for Hire) and pulls out 2 monster handguns from their holsters, then kicks the door open to the outside. The sunlight comes blarin' in the Pizza Ship, and Peanut does a badass barrel roll into the dirt parkin' lot. We see a big black Apache helicopter takin' off, and that load Doug Carlson is standin' on the side, holdin' onto Guy Cooler who's all beat up with his mouth and hands taped shut. Peanut starts bustin' caps at the chopper 'cause he knows what time it is from livin' on the streets. A few of the bullets hit the tail and some smoke and fuel starts comin' out. Then, that piece of trash Tino who's drivin' the chopper sticks his head outta the window and tries to murder Peanut with an Uzi, but Peanut does some smooth spin move that looks double badass 'cause of his leather trench. There's like 6 other corncobs who work for Doug Carlson in the chopper, and Peanut wastes all of 'em, mostly in the face, and they fall to the ground like bags of garbage. Barry Cooler and Captain Karl run out of the Pizza Ship to see what all the commotion is.

BARRY COOLER: What the heck's goin' on out here?

(This is where "Still of The Night" by Whitesnake starts playin'.)

PEANUT: They got Guy! I wasted like 6 a them muhfuckas, but Tino and Doug Carlson still up there like some bitches.

Doug Carlson reaches behind his back and pulls out some little fancy silver gun for sissies that rich guys use and fires a shot that hits Peanut in the chest. Peanut woulda seen him, but his loyalty made him want to make the fellas know the 411 first and foremost, so he wasn't payin' attention to Doug.

CAPTAIN KARL: Peanut!

PEANUT (tossing Captain Karl and Barry Cooler one gun each): Roll on them fools, you guys. (It shows how loyal yet badass Peanut is 'cause he's dyin' real bad.)

CAPTAIN KARL: Crap, these are out of ammo! Damnit, Peanut!

BARRY COOLER: Quick, follow me to the Monte Carlo SS!

CAPTAIN KARL: Right behind you, B-Dog! RIP, Peanut.

Barry Cooler and Captain Karl run to the car as Doug Carlson tries to shoot 'em, from the chopper, but he misses the whole time. So weak. He's just not all man. They dive into the Monte Carlo SS, Duke boys style, and Barry does some donuts to rev the engine up until it's red hot.

DOUG CARLSON: Tino! What are you doin'? Take off all the way so we can take Guy back to my mansion and torture him with car batteries in his peener & veggies!

TINO: That black guy shot some crap on the chopper! Can't make it go no higher! (Idiot)

Barry Cooler floors the Monte Carlo SS into a pile of dirt that's sittin' there 'cause Captain Karl's Pizza Ship is puttin' in a pool with a bar in it in the back. It's gonna be one of those where you can sit IN the pool at the bar while you're drinkin' a top shelf marg. So classy and decadent, just like down in Cabo. The Monte Carlo SS jumps off the dirt pile for a ramp and blasts into the sky like a black rocket of freedom.

BARRY COOLER (as they're flyin' through the air like Gods on vacation): Been nice knowin' ya, Captain Karl.

CAPTAIN KARL (he knows what's about to go down): It's been an honor, B-Dog. (They do a handshake from the streets, one last time.) Now, somebody (winks at Barry Cooler) gimme an, "AWE HELL YEAH!"

BARRY COOLER (he knows what Karl's gonna do): AWE HELL YEAH!

Captain Karl dives outta the Monte Carlo SS in midair towards the chopper right at 3:57 in "Still of The Night" by Whitesnake with double middle fingers blazin' so hard. It's a real power move. He kicks Doug Carlson in the stomach and grabs him 'round the neck, draggin' him off the chopper. They fall in slo mo until exactly 4:36 in "Still of The Night" by Whitesnake, when Captain Karl gives him pretty much the biggest Stunner anyone's ever seen on top of the delivery truck that's droppin' off the best meats and cheeses money can buy that arrive daily at the Pizza Ship. Always fresh, never frozen.

Barry Cooler & the Monte Carlo SS are still flyin' in the air. He looks out the window to tip his shades and peep a babe's rockin' caboose one last time before smashin' into a storage shed and explodin'. Barry's dead, but it's not sad, 'cause he was old and this was pretty much the last chance he had to be a hero before he had to go in a home or some crap.
Guy Cooler chews through the tape over his mouth in one big bite, and starts head buttin' Tino with his shades on his head. It cuts up Tino's head real bad and you can see blood spray all over the front window of the chopper. Guy's hands are still tied with tape, but luckily one of the smashed lenses from his shades is stuck in Tino's skull, so Guy uses it to cut his hands free. It shows he's a macho badass, yet intelligent.

TINO (barely alive): Why don't we join your ol' dad, in hell!

Tino floors the chopper at the storage shed where Barry Cooler 's Monte Carlo SS is still on fire with Barry's corpse inside. Guy Cooler grabs Tino and dives outta the chopper, usin' him as a pad for a safe landing on the ground. The chopper crashes into Barry's corpse area, just in case anyone was wonderin' if he was REALLY dead. But again, it shows how intelligent Guy Cooler is. Tino is a mess. Just a real pile of bloody worthless trash.

GUY COOLER: No, why don't YOU join him in hell. So he can kick your ass after I'm done.

Guy Cooler pulls a grenade out of his cargo shorts and shoves it in Tino's mouth.

GUY COOLER: Bold flavors.

Guy pulls the pin out of the grenade and stomps it into Tino's mouth with his flip flop. We get a close up of it so you can see that his flip flop has flames on it and Tino's bloody teeth smashin' out and flyin' everywhere. Guy Cooler dives outta the way, and Tino's head explodes. It's really hard to describe how badass this is usin' only words. You just gotta check it out. It's one of the parts people'll be talkin' about when they're leavin' the movie theater.

CAPTAIN KARL (runnin' over): Guy, you hurt bro? Man, that was so on point.

GUY COOLER: Pain don't hurt. (puts on his back up pair of shades, the whole audience in the theater pretty much goes bananas)

Just then, the audience sees Doug Carlson's eyes open on top of the smashed up delivery truck that was bringin' the fresh meats and cheeses. (Doug's not dead?!) He leans over the side and points his fancy sissy gun right at Guy and Captain Karl. They don't notice 'cause they're peepin' that babe's caboose that Barry was lookin' at right before he got killed.

DOUG CARLSON: I told you to sell me the Pizza Ship for a cool million, now I'm gonna buy it with your life!

Guy Cooler and Captain Karl swing around. Looks like it might be the end, but outta nowhere, Peanut jumps up behind Doug Carlson.

PEANUT: Sorry homie, looks like you better put that shit on layaway.

Peanut pulls out the Rambo knife and pretty much cuts off Doug Carlson's head. Man.

CAPTAIN KARL: Peanut! I thought you were dead?!

PEANUT: Nah. But this muthafucka is. (Throws Doug's head on the ground)

They all have a real laugh. Doug was such a load.

GUY COOLER: Peanut, that was off the chain. But you better get yourself to the hospital for that bullet in your chest, pronto. (Tosses him the keys to the Camaro)

PEANUT: The 'Maro? For real?

GUY COOLER: For real. Roll on out.

PEANUT: Thanks G! Gonna be cruisin' up to the hospital with MAD swag!

CAPTAIN KARL: Well, looks like it might be time for a little celebraish?

GUY COOLER: For my father, Barry Cooler, RIP, the USA, and babes from all around the world. Everyone, really.

CAPTAIN KARL (freshens up with some 'logne from his pocket): Let's do this.

As the credits start to roll, Bob Seger's "Ramblin' Gamblin' Man" comes on. From an up high shot, we see Peanut peelin' out in the Camaro, the pile of wreckage from Barry's 1986 Chevy Monte Carlo SS & the Apache Helicopter, Captain Karl & Guy Cooler walkin' with their arms around each other into the Pizza Ship, buddy style, and the American flag, flyin' high.

-THE END-

(Could also probably have some raunchy guy humor out takes in the credits, like people rippin' gas by accident, everyone crackin' up and breakin' character when a babe has her chest beefers out, monster truck or chainsaw accidents. Stuff like that. It's always a hit with audiences everywhere. Such a great added value.)

COPYRIGHT 2012 BAD BOY CITY, USA, ENTERTAINMENT