DadBoner

2010

April
May
June
July
August
September
October

December

Compiled from Pete Keen's DadBoner Twitter Fiction Reader, itself compiled from Karl Welzein's @DadBoner Twitter feed.

Wed Apr 14 2010

06:53 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend you guys.

Thu Apr 15 2010

11:35 AM
Might get the boat out this weekend if it's not too cold. We'll have to see.

11:56 AM
Ann says we should think about selling the boat because we didn't use it enough last year. BS!

11:57 AM
The only reason we didn't use it is because we have to go to some dumb friggin' birthday party every weekend!

05:46 PM
Just found an old Pam Anderson PB in the shed. Can't wait for Ann to go to Target.

05:50 PM
Ann just saw the charge for my new Calloway driver on the Visa statement. Tiger had is right, man. Women don't understand.

05:52 PM
Just finished 20 pushups. Still got it.

Sun Apr 18 2010

02:59 PM
Ann's mom was late for brunch this morning so I missed my tee time. I hate that cow.

03:01 PM
Anyone up for a few cold one's at Chili's? I'm really steamed and need to cool off. Can't believe I missed my friggin' tee time.

03:37 PM
Was super pumped for racquetball at the Y tomorrow. But I forgot about Jillian's recital. Monday already sucks a day early.

04:19 PM
My brother Al just said, "Ever take a crap so big your pants fit better?" HAHAHAHA! Just what I needed. Thanks bro.

Mon Apr 19 2010

12:36 PM
I'm sick of that mexican guy at Subway judging me when ask for ranch on my footlong meatball sandwich. This is AMERICA, Tito.

12:46 PM
I just took a crap so big MY pants fit better! God, that still kills me.

12:52 PM
Looks like they firewalled the Maxim website. I hate Mondays.

01:13 PM
Just found out everyone at work calls me "The Clogger" behind my back. Feelin' kinda down. It only happened once.

06:41 PM
Going to that dance recital instead of playing racquetball makes me wish I had my tubes tied. Today sucks.

Tue Apr 20 2010

12:15 PM
Someone opened their door into the Sebring when I was parked at 7-Eleven this morning. I just had it washed too. Super P.O.'d!

12:16 PM
And I just noticed I spilled mustard all over my shirt from my Breakfast Big Bite. I should just go home.

Wed Apr 21 2010

03:50 PM
Ann left the windows down on the Cherokee and it rained = 2 hrs with the wet dry vac tonight instead of Hooters with the guys. Sucks!

03:51 PM
I swear she did it on purpose. Sick of this.

05:25 PM
Ann "suprised" me with a pair of Sketchers Shape-Ups. They look like retard shoes. I'm a dead man if Al sees them.

06:03 PM
Found some old CostCo mozz sticks in the back of the freezer! F@ck. Yes.

06:07 PM
Ann says to throw them out because they're too old. So stupid. THEY'RE FROZEN! Why can't I ever have ANYTHING?

Wed Apr 28 2010

12:04 PM
Sorry I haven't been on for a few days. Ann caught me on Twitter in the garage and thought it was some porn site. Flipped out!

12:54 PM
Was already looking forward to the weekend. Supposed to shoot 18 on Saturday. Now Ann says we have shop for new jeans for me.

01:12 PM
She says I need "nice" jeans for the party at the Carlson's. Sounds like dork jeans to me.

04:19 PM
Thnkin' about tokin' one down in the shed after Ann goes to pilates tonight. Really hating her guts today.

04:25 PM
Hope there's still that roach in my golf bag from Al's bach party. I gotta mello out.

05:59 PM
Crap, I'm WAY too high. Ann is gonna know something's up. And I ate a whole pack of deli ham that was supposed to be for "lunches only."

06:01 PM
My son Chad just asked "what's wrong Daddy?" So ashamed. Gonna go cry in the downstairs bathroom.

06:40 PM
Yeah, like me sleeping on the family room sofa is punishment. We have Cinemax.

Thu Apr 29 2010

06:23 PM
Looks like Ann is going to parlay my little escapade yesterday into a Sandals vacay. Can't wait to see her in that old lady one piece. Puke.

06:27 PM
Plus that means no vacation days for a guys' Vegas trip this year. I really screwed up huge.

Fri Apr 30 2010

06:17 PM
Damn dog took a crap on the carpet this morning and I missed my tee time. Then I pulled my groin lifting the wet dry vac. Weekend is ruined.

06:18 PM
And I am NOT going to church tomorrow. I don't care what Ann says. Sick of this BS.

06:30 PM
People ask me why I don't talk about my kids. I have a son (mama's boy/cries all the time) and 2 daughters (who hate me). That's why.

06:32 PM
Going to water the backyard and drink a beer. So sick of everyone here.

Sat May 01 2010

06:50 PM
Yes Ann, going to your sister's for her disgusting homemade pizza is EXACTLY how I want to spend my Saturday night. Kill me.

06:53 PM
I work hard all week so we can have nice things like Papa John's. Just because her and Terry are broke doesn't mean I should have to suffer.

Sun May 02 2010

03:53 PM
We didn't have to go to church today because Ann said she was sick. What a big fat faker. When I'm "sick" she calls it "lying."

03:57 PM
She's in the bathroom making all these fake barf sounds. So gross. No I will NOT get you some water. Some FAKE water maybe.

Mon May 03 2010

05:36 PM
What an awful Monday. Time to kick back in the ol' recliner with a cold beer...what the...GODDAMNIT NO ONE CLEANED UP THIS DOG PUKE?!!

Fri May 07 2010

08:20 PM
Watching "Something's Gotta Give" on Blu-Ray is NOT what I bought the Blu-Ray player for. That Die Hard 2 disc is going to waste.

Sun May 09 2010

03:46 PM
I burned the steaks and none of the stuff I bought Ann on Amazon came on time. I'm in doghouse city.

03:48 PM
She keeps going into the bathroom and fake crying. GODDAMNIT I TRIED MY BEST, GIMME A BREAK!

03:50 PM
Ann just left to go "somewhere she's appreciated." I hope Kohl's is still open.

Mon May 10 2010

12:08 PM
Supposed to meet Ann at Panda Express after work to "talk things over." Great. 2 things at once that give me diarrhea.

06:00 PM
Dinner with Ann was a disaster. Spilled orange chicken on my favorite Chaps polo. And looks like we're gonna work things out.

Tue May 11 2010

03:52 PM
Free Quiznos lunch at work today. Really over did it. Had 2 Chicken Carbonara subs. Now everyone's calling me "Carbo." So embarrassed.

03:56 PM
It's not like I ordered 2. There was an extra. What was I supposed to do, let it go to waste?! Sue me for caring about the environment.

04:18 PM
All that Quizno's is coming back to haunt me. But you know what I always say, "ain't much in this world a little cologne can't fix."

Wed May 12 2010

12:23 PM
Lost a button in the middle of my shirt and my stomach hair keeps sticking out. I gotta go to Kohl's on my break for a new shirt. Damnit!

12:27 PM
The cute new gal just caught me playing with my stomach hair and said, "gross." So much for her thinking I'm cool.

12:48 PM
I got this one: http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/graphictees/crossescrests/PRD~621125/Levis+All+Seeing+Tee.jsp Who's not cool now!?

01:03 PM
This shirt is so tight I can't breathe very well but it makes my arms look awesome! I think she noticed. Gonna do some pushups in the john.

06:14 PM
Got home from work and Ann's all, "What's with the new t-shirt, Slim? Hot date tonight?" Then started laughing her ass off!!!!!

06:18 PM
My daughters keep calling me a "situation" or something and laughing in their room. Don't know what it means but I'm sick of this crap.

06:22 PM
Now Ann's calling me "The Big Situation" and all of them went out on the deck they were laughing so hard.

06:27 PM
Screw this. Buncha bullcrap! Going to Chili's bar to cool off.

Thu May 13 2010

01:41 AM
jjust woke up in tje garage. so drunnkj from chlis. stuppid family assholes fuck fuck em assholes i do what i want fukin asshole!!!!!

11:20 AM
Don't remember last night AT ALL. But apparently I knocked the flat screen off the wall and now we only get channel 7.

11:24 AM
Ann said I put on some Allman Bros. really loud in the family room then tried to micro Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches still in the box.

11:28 AM
AND I bought cigarettes. Haven't smoked in 6 years. In pretty hot water with Ann and the kids.

02:00 PM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend you guys.

02:12 PM
Just ordered these bad boys: http://www.mauijim.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Product3_11601_10001_10162_-1_17619_17619_N__1__

02:32 PM
Ann doesn't need to know how much those cost. She doesn't know what Maui Jim's are anyway. She has bad taste.

02:34 PM
Plus, I need 'em for Sunday. Goin' to Comerica for the Tiger game with Al. Boston is going down! So pumped.

04:52 PM
Ann just "informed me" that we have my kid's family soccer team picnic on Sunday and that I never told her about the baseball game.

04:55 PM
This is such crap! She frickin' KNEW. Why do I have to go to the stupid picnic anyway? I never go to the stupid boring games.

05:01 PM
@willDavidian She had the 3rd biggest boobs at my high school. Now she says she has the 2nd biggest at our house. Sick of it.

06:27 PM
Ann says she would've let me go to the Tigers game if I wouldn't have made a "real clown" out of myself last night. Yeah right.

06:34 PM
Maybe I wouldn't act like such a clown if she didn't let the kids call me stuff like "Captain Pigout" at the dinner table!!!

06:36 PM
2 helpings of spaghetti is NOT "overdoing it." I'm eating in the family room from now on.

Fri May 14 2010

02:47 AM
Couldn't sleep. Watching channel 7. Thinking about ordering this "The Best of Soul Train" dvd collection.

12:15 PM
Lettin' us out early! Everyone's goin to Paddy McGee's at the Jewel for $2 24oz drafts!! Gotta take it easy though. Movie with Ann later.

12:15 PM
Friday Rocks!

09:09 PM
Just got back from Paddy McGee's. Forgot about movie date with Ann. She locked herself in the bedroom. I'm too hammered to care.

09:11 PM
Told her she should've just went without me. Like I have to sit next to her for her to enjoy a movie. So stupid.

09:12 PM
PLUS, it was a WORK outing! How does she think we pay for nice things like Netflix? With her eBay business? Total crap.

09:13 PM
I'm going back to the bar. Should've just stayed if she's gonna act like this. She's ruining my night.

09:17 PM
Actually, gonna drop a load first. Had the reuben at Paddy's. THEN back to the bar. Hope the cute new gal is still there.

Sat May 15 2010

12:44 PM
http://www.stylebyme.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/si_cover_feb_1999_kathy_ireland000x0419x568.jpg

12:45 PM
Just found a copy of that in my secret basement stash. Don't make 'em like that anymore. MMMM-HMMMM!!!

12:48 PM
Everyone follow @KathyIreland . TOTAL babe!!!

12:55 PM
Oh, guess who still says I can't go to the Tigers game tomorrow? Ann. Guess who's still going? Me.

12:59 PM
Ann said if I go, don't bother coming back. Fine, I WISH I could live at Comerica. Can't wait for pregame at Cheli's!!!! So pumped.

02:59 PM
Goin' back to Paddy's. RIGHT NOW. I doubt they have enough cold ones for me to celebrate havin' a chat with Kathy. Ann who?!!!

Mon May 17 2010

01:13 PM
Yesterday was a doozy. Me and Al didn't show up until the 3rd inning. Got lost on the way. Too many roadie G&Ts.

01:15 PM
15 minutes after we sat down, some scumbag Red Sox fan kicked Al in the back and spilled his nachos and beer all over his shorts.

02:27 PM
Ann said my kid cried at the soccer picnic because I was the only dad not there. And that's EXACTLY why I didn't go.

04:13 PM
I keep asking Ann if she's mad at me for going to the Tigers game yesterday and all she keeps saying is "No it's fine" with a fake smile.

04:15 PM
You know, that fake smile with the mean eyebrows. She's SO irritating. If she only knew how many gals were into my Maui Jim's yesterday.

04:17 PM
AND she's ticked off that I spent almost $400 at the game. Like I fine tooth comb every trip she makes to Target. Sick of this.

04:26 PM
PLUS, I spent some of that on t-shirts and caps for her and the kids that I forgot under my seat.Guess the thought doesn't REALLY count.

Tue May 18 2010

11:38 AM
Finally saw the Hangover last night. Man, I wish I wasn't stupid married. I'd party like that every night.

01:43 PM
Cute new gal's b-day at work today. Wore my sweet Levi's tee. Shrunk a little in the dryer but if I don't stand up straight it's fine.

04:28 PM
I have to go to another stupid dance recital tonight?! REALLY?! We JUST went to one. So boring AND they make me feel creepy.

04:51 PM
I don't understand why Ann says it's "gross" when I look at half naked women in Maxim but it's totally fine when they're underage.

04:52 PM
She's the "gross" one!

04:53 PM
That's it. Putting my foot down. I'm not going. I'll fake diarrhea or something. Fake "I have diarrhea" gets you out of anything.

04:55 PM
Work, church, family gatherings, doing it with your old grossout wife on your anniversary...ALWAYS fake diarrhea. Fool proof.

05:35 PM
Gonna save the diarrhea excuse for another day. Went with "stuck at work." Which is code for "stuck at the bar at Chili's."

Wed May 19 2010

09:07 AM
Hump day! Really lookin' forward to the weekend you guys.

09:12 AM
Feelin' good! Had a couple glasses of wine with lunch. Ann called me a drunk. It's EUROPEAN! She doesn't know anything.

09:19 AM
Just ordered this online: http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/cologne/onlyatkohls/PRD~c13405/Chaps+For+Men+Cologne+Collection.jsp

09:20 AM
I'm more European to wear cologne. Got to smell fresh!

09:25 AM
Have you tried the new Artisan breads at Quizno's? From Europe. Soooo good.

10:22 AM
Gettin' a little snoozy from that lunch wine. Time for a few sips outta the ol' flask. It's cool in Europe.

10:31 AM
Ever think about how diarrhea is just butt barf? Jeez Louise I'm sauced.

03:56 PM
Whoa. Just woke up in my car in the work parking lot. Went back in but everyone's gone for the day. Too much lunch wine and Wild Turkey.

06:29 PM
Came right home and crashed out on the couch. Ann called me a "lazy sow."

Thu May 20 2010

11:21 AM
Was in the john trying to multitask and change the battery in my Seiko. Dropped it in the toilet. Ann gave me it for our anniversary.

11:22 AM
Was already "done with my business" and couldn't grab it out. So I just flushed it. Gonna be in hot water when she notices it's missing.

11:37 AM
Really lookin' forward to the weekend you guys.

04:41 PM
Made reservations for me and Ann at Applebees for tomorrow night. She said, "Wowee Prince Charming, who said romance is dead?!"

04:43 PM
Then she started laughing SO hard she had to hang up the phone. Just trying to do something nice. Feelin' kinda down.

04:46 PM
Think I'm gonna to for a drive. Just wanna be alone for awhile.

04:47 PM
Sick of this.

06:49 PM
Got back from my drive. Everyone's glued to some Grey's Anatomy crap and didn't notice I was even gone. Guess I'll just go to bed.

06:50 PM
Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

06:52 PM
Oh good. There was a commercial break long enough for Ann to inform me that the family voted and I can only use the basement restroom now.

06:52 PM
SO SICK OF THIS CRAP!!!

Fri May 21 2010

12:33 PM
We were SUPPOSED to go to Applebees tonight. Alone. But now Ann invited the Carlson's! Can't stand Doug and Tina!

12:35 PM
I made those reservations so we could do something nice together, not listen to Doug talk about his back problems.

12:52 PM
Plus he's always telling Ann how "great she looks." Creeps me out. AND they both kiss hello on the lips.

12:56 PM
Leavin' work early with "diarrhea." Goin' to Paddy's for a few cold ones. Gonna need it to get through this dinner.

09:42 PM
Applebee's sucked my ass. Sorry to swear, but it sucked my ass.

09:45 PM
First, Doug told Ann her "fanny looks great." Then winked at me and said, "Eh, Karl?!" Should've socked his nose.

09:48 PM
Then, I ordered the Spinach Artichoke dip for MY appetizer and only got about half of it. Ann made me share MY appetizer!

09:50 PM
If Doug and Tina weren't so cheap they should've got their own! And of course they didn't chip in for it when the bill came.

09:56 PM
RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CARLSON'S, Ann tried to get me one of those "Under 550 Calories" meals because she thought I "overdid it" on the dip.

09:58 PM
Spinach and Artichoke dip are vegetables! Ann doesn't know anything about food that you just don't heat up.

10:05 PM
I got the Southwest Jalapeno "Realburger." Well done @Applebeeing. SO GOOD! Added on Chili Cheese Fries. Ann had a stupid salad. WEAK.

10:14 PM
For dessert, I ordered a double Blue Coconut Marg. Ann gave me some look, THEN got a Triple Chocolate Meltdown. Like she's better than me.

10:19 PM
The Carlson's only paid for their dinners, no tip, and they didn't get ANY drinks. They suck.

10:21 PM
Got into a pretty nasty screaming match with Ann on the way home. Like it's MY fault they suck. So drunk on Margs.

10:22 PM
Goin' on the deck for a cig. Sick of this crap!

Sat May 22 2010

01:23 PM
If Ann plays that Sheryl Crow/Kid Rock "Picture" song ONE MORE TIME I'm going to kill myself.

04:44 PM
Ann invited the Carleson's over for steaks tonight. JUST told me. What is the best kind of belt to hang myself in the the garage with?

04:45 PM
Oh, and guess who has to go to the store for steaks? Hint: It's not Ann or the Carlson's.

04:46 PM
And I was all settled on the couch watching Mecum Muscle Car Auctions. This Saturday is shot!

Sun May 23 2010

12:04 PM
Don't think we'll be having dinner with the Carlson's anytime soon. Guess I got blackout drunk on margs and gave Doug a piece of my mind.

12:05 PM
He said he like his steaks "well done," not "well DON'T". Then Ann started laughing hysterically. They were MEDIUM RARE!!!

12:07 PM
I said, "Well, DON'T come over anymore then you fat mooch! Stay home with your wife tied up in the yard where she belongs!"

12:09 PM
Tina started crying and ran out. Doug went after her. Now they won't take Ann's calls to apologize. Good. Riddance.

12:10 PM
Ann said she's so embarrassed she can't even look at me. Perfect. Maybe I can enjoy my Sunday now. I earned it after Friday and Saturday.

01:07 PM
She'd be the one in my spokes. RT @TheDaniStew @DadBoner if Ann was a baseball card, what would she be?

04:23 PM
Ann finally heard back from Tina Carlson. Guess she got upset because she gained some weight from "medication." What is she on? Oreos?

Mon May 24 2010

12:05 AM
Just having some cold cuts for a snack.

Tue May 25 2010

10:56 AM
Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. Ann found out that I ate all the lunch cold cuts so she hid my laptop adapter. She makes no sense!

10:58 AM
Besides, I PAID for those cold cuts! I can have all I want. They're essentially MINE that I'm generous enough to GIVE to the kids.

11:00 AM
Ann asked for the checkbook to go to the store for more cold cuts. I told her I didn't know where it is and "it looks like a PB&J week."

11:03 AM
So to prove my point last night I ate all of the variety pack "lunches only" chips. AND the granola bars.

05:59 PM
Ann "accidentally" washed my Maui Jim's in the laundry! They're all bent and scratched. Really steamed!

06:00 PM
And how did they "accidentally" get in the washer?! They were in my sock drawer in their case! For the love of God why?!!!!

06:01 PM
She's a sick person. Doesn't want me to have anything! Ann's so jealous of me. It's disgusting.

06:03 PM
I called her out on the "accident" and she said, "Oh, like how you accidentally ate all the kids lunch chips and granola bars?"

06:04 PM
I PAID FOR THOSE AND I CAN EAT ANYTHING I FEEL LIKE ANYTIME I WANT TO!!!

06:08 PM
I don't care if we just had supper 2 hrs ago, I'm going to Wendy's for a Jr. Bacon and a Frosty. Why? Because I feel like it that's why!

Wed May 26 2010

01:10 AM
I think Ann just caught me trying to, um, relax myself to sleep. Can't be sure. Gonna play it cool and get back in bed.

11:36 AM
Hump day! Really lookin' forward to the weekend.

12:36 PM
Just ordered these! http://www.onlineshoes.com/mens-rockport-joque-dark-brown-p_id174171?adtrack=gpa&term=Men%27s+Rockport+Joque&offer=

12:38 PM
Super pumped about the new Rockports! Might just have to get the boat out this weekend.

09:31 PM
Ann's all excited about Sex In The City 2. I don't get it. If she's so into the it why doesn't she try to get hotter like the blonde slut?

09:34 PM
I just said that to her in front of the kids. BIG mistake. Now we have to schedule a "talk" for tomorrow morning. Great.

09:35 PM
I asked her why we can't talk now and she said, "I can't even look at you. I'm going to bed."

09:36 PM
Samantha wouldn't do that. She'd bring me with her and take care of business downtown. Ann's such a hypocrite or whatever.

09:38 PM
Plus, the Sex In City gang would really get on her case about those clogs she lives in.

Thu May 27 2010

06:38 PM
@pricedout Ugh. Don't even wanna think about Chili's. Tonight was make your own taco night at the Welzein's. Really over did it.

06:40 PM
I just couldn't stop. They were going down so smooth. Took down 3 soft shells and 5 hard shells. Plus chips and guac. Can barely move.

06:42 PM
Ann says I'm "beached" on the couch. I said, "You're a beach!" Didn't fly very well.

06:43 PM
Ann wants me to help with the dishes. She's so lazy. Loading the dishwasher is not a 2 man job. That's why I bought it!!!

Fri May 28 2010

02:36 PM
FFFFFFFridaaaaaayyyy! I am outta here!!!!!!!!!!!

Sat May 29 2010

11:24 AM
Karl's cookin' Johnsonville braaats! Johnsonville Braaats! Johnsonville Braaats...

Wed Jun 02 2010

03:28 PM
Cut my hand pretty bad on Sunday. Needed stitches. Got some pain meds and Ann's been nursing me on the couch. I am MILKING this.

03:33 PM
Guess who's having homemade chili for supper? Me. In front of the tv. Watching WHATEVER I WANT!

04:28 PM
Ann says I can't drink a beer on my medication. One beer?! C'mon. 3 at the most.

05:05 PM
Ann had to run to the store to get milk for the morning. Brewski time!

06:16 PM
Jim Leyland should've shot that umpire. Super p.o.'d!

Thu Jun 03 2010

12:29 PM
Stayed up too late watching Tigers highlights over and over again on @ESPN. REally draggin' today.

12:31 PM
Was really lookin' forward to the weekend but had to cancel my tee time due to the hand injury. Might have to spend time with Ann. Yuck.

Fri Jun 04 2010

01:58 PM
Dunna Dunna Dunna, They Say it's your Friday! Dunna Dunna Dunna, Happy Friday To Ya!

02:01 PM
Ann is going to her sisters to watch movies tonight. I'm supposed to watch the kids. No problem. I'll be hammered.

02:02 PM
Super pumped for Ann to be gone tonight you guys. Gonna get some of those vortex Miller Lites.

02:03 PM
It makes it look like you're drinking a tornado! Really excited.

02:14 PM
Ann says I shouldn't drink while I watch the kids. She also says I shouldn't whiz behind the garage. Ann says alot of dumb crap.

Sun Jun 06 2010

01:24 PM
Friday night I polished off a 20 pk of those vortex Miller Lites and crashed. Ann came home and found the kids eating all the pizza rolls.

01:25 PM
She said, "It'd be best if I got a hotel room Saturday." Said I went to the Comfort Inn. Really stayed at Al's. Had a blast!

01:27 PM
We ripped through 3 more 20 pks. They go down so smooth! Grilled up some strips too. Yeah, real punishment, Ann.

01:31 PM
Came back this morning and she asked if "I learned my lesson." Got all puppy dog eyes on her and said, yes. She felt really bad.

01:31 PM
She thought I was gonna cry. I was really just hungover. She is such a sucker!

01:33 PM
The only lesson I learned is that those vortex Miller Lites rule!

01:49 PM
Why do I only have a great weekend when I'm kicked out of the house? Really makes you think. Time for some soul searching.

Mon Jun 07 2010

04:48 PM
Monday. Great. Ann's making us salad and baked skinless chicken breast for dinner. Great. My kid needs help with some project. Great.

04:50 PM
We're out of beer. Great. Ann said it's summer so we should have "no tv Monday's." Great. I never bought a gun to shoot myself. Great.

04:52 PM
We're supposed to go on a "family walk" after dinner. Great. Just GREAT! GREAT! GREAT!

Wed Jun 09 2010

11:26 AM
HUMP DAY FEVER! BRUH, NUH, NUH, NUHH! HUMP DAY FEVER! BRUH, NUH, NUH, NUUHHHHHH!!!

11:30 AM
Heading to BW-3's for lunch. Wing Wednesday! I just made it up!

Thu Jun 10 2010

06:03 PM
BW-3 Wednesday was a disaster. Ate way too much and had to go home sick. Just gettin' up and around. Trying to sip Pedialyte.

06:04 PM
Everytime Ann looks at me she just shakes her head. I was SICK! Not like it's my fault it was coming out both ends.

06:06 PM
Just heard Ann say to the kids, "That's why he's only allowed to use the spare bathroom." Now they're laughing. Really hurts ya'know?

06:08 PM
I told her how I took down almost 3 dozen wings. She said, "Am I supposed to be impressed?! Wow, real macho man! Go sit on your potty."

06:09 PM
I'm sure there's lots of women who'd be into that. She just doesn't get it. I'm going back to lie down. Feeling kind of spinny again.

Sun Jun 13 2010

02:09 PM
Friday: Was still kind of dehydrated and didn't feel too hot so I took the day off. Ann went to Target and I got bored so I drank a sixer.

02:23 PM
Ann came home and found me with my pants down and hunched over the tub. Walked in and said, "Oh, you piece of sh*t!", then she left.

02:26 PM
She didn't come back 'til late. When I asked her where she went she said, "I was at Shut Up Karl!" Then she locked herself in the bedroom.

02:28 PM
Saturday: Ann got up early and left again. Left a note that said to watch the kids. I dropped them off at Iron Man 2 and went to Paddy's.

02:29 PM
I was a little bit late picking them up because I was talking to Carly the bartender about how things are at home. They called Ann's cell.

02:31 PM
Ann went to pick them up. When I told her I was at Paddy's and was coming to get them right away, she said, "Don't bother, Karl. Have fun."

02:33 PM
So now she's doing this fake nice voice and making that crazy fake smile face. Just being kind of a jerk. Feelin' kinda lonely.

02:34 PM
I'm just sad I guess. I try my best. Weekend is ruined.

02:34 PM
Never thought I'd wish I was at work.

Mon Jun 14 2010

04:05 PM
Back's really hurtin' today. Slept on the couch. Heading home in a minute. Hope Ann's in a good mood and still not being a big bag o' bitch.

04:41 PM
Ann and the kids were gone when I got home. She left a note that they're "at Applebee's" like I should be jealous.

04:43 PM
Oh, poor me. Guess I'll just have to drink some beers on the deck and grill myself a few brats. Boo hoo.

04:44 PM
Oh what will I ever do without my WONDERFUL family to get on my case? I hope they just decide to live at Applebee's.

Tue Jun 15 2010

01:06 PM
Passed out on the deck last night. Woke up when the sprinklers came on at 5am. Can't believe Ann left me out there. Feel like crap today.

01:08 PM
They need to change "for better or for worse" to "for worser or for worsest." Sick of this.

Wed Jun 16 2010

12:14 PM
I've got Hump day fever! And the only prescription, is wing Wednesday lunch at BW-3s!

Sun Jun 20 2010

10:01 PM
Things aren't going so well at home. Just trying to lay low.

10:06 PM
The Carlson's were over for dinner on Friday and I guess I made a move on Tina in the kitchen. Ann knows. I'm screwed.

10:06 PM
I might need a break from the sauce.

Mon Jun 21 2010

05:43 PM
I got nothin'.

Mon Jul 05 2010

02:27 PM
Sorry guys. Been kinda out of the loop. Me and Ann were having some problems so I moved out. Crashin at my buddy Dave's place.

Tue Jul 06 2010

01:32 PM
Dave's ain't so bad. It's a little messy, but I sprang for cable and internet. Ann's being really cold. Had a blast on the 4th though!

Wed Aug 04 2010

11:54 AM
Haven't stopped by in a awhile. Dave spilled Dr. Pepper on my laptop. Just got a new Dell.

11:58 AM
Me and Ann are still on the rocks. I heard she went on a date with some guy named Rob who drives a new Dodge Charger. Pretty steamed.

11:59 AM
I guess he's bald though. Must be a real loser.

12:04 PM
I put on a few pounds livin' with Dave. Lotsa frozen pizzas. But I bought a chinup bar so I think some of it's muscle.

Thu Aug 05 2010

02:12 PM
3 pullups this morning and 10 situps. Feelin' jacked! Also, Ann wants to meet with her attorney. Wait'll she see's how good I look!

02:17 PM
New jeans today. Ann's gonna flip! http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/jeans/relaxedloose/PRD~186075/Levis+559+RelaxedFit+Jeans.jsp

02:20 PM
This too.http://bit.ly/cGl9h7

06:26 PM
Just tried on some of the Tim McGraw cologne. Ann LOVES that guy. Wait'll she gets a whiff, she'll be BEGGING to have me back.

06:29 PM
Just noticed Dave ate all of my TGIF's frozen potato skins. Looks like my night's ruined. Thanks alot "roomie." Really burns me.

Fri Aug 06 2010

11:17 AM
AAAAAAHHHHHH! This stupid Dell is really ticking me off! Knew I shoulda got a Mac! PIECE OF JUNK!!!

11:28 AM
Getting pretty sick and tired of Dave ranking up the john every morning before I have to get in the shower.

11:30 AM
Every morning he walks by the couch before he does his business and says, "Time to make the donuts." It's getting pretty stale.

01:39 PM
Ann just called to say the kids don't want to see me this weekend. YES!!! TGIF!!!

01:40 PM
Me and Dave are going to Paddy's at 5 for some drinks and some laughs! Time to par-tay down! Hope that cute Heather is workin'.

01:44 PM
New Friday Tee! http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/graphictees/pubsoftdrink/PRD~674457/SONOMA+life+++style+Bikini+Beach+Bar+Tee.jsp

Sat Aug 07 2010

01:01 PM
Holy crap. Me and Dave got WASTED last night. Got Wendy's on the way home. Forgot it in the car. Probably still good?

01:03 PM
Also, Dave's front left corner panel of his Skylark is dented BAD. No idea how that how that happened.

02:38 PM
Guess what? We just discovered that Dave went #2 in the tub last night. That's what. I'm going for a walk. Jeez. Really?!!

Sun Aug 08 2010

01:44 PM
Dave just ate a whole $5 Hot N Ready in front of me and didn't offer me even one slice. He's a real grossout sometimes.

01:47 PM
Now he's watching that Jersey Beach show. The babes are kinda hot, but it's so stupid.

01:50 PM
Dave's always hogging the TV. He doesn't know what's good either. Tried to hip him to that Always Sunny For Philadelphia. He didn't get it.

01:53 PM
Head hair or somewhere else? RT @KimKardashian Ok I'm slicking my hair back, so my hair doesn't compete w my dress....ponytail or braid?

01:55 PM
I can't believe I just did that. Sorry, just steamed at Dave and his crappy tv shows. Kim's cool. Dynamite bod.

03:00 PM
@pricedout Dave doesn't drink milk. Says it gives him bad breath. Newsflash, it's not the milk.

Mon Aug 09 2010

04:10 PM
Thank God Monday is over. Whopper night with Dave! Gonna go double Western, double mayo. Need the protein for my workout.

Tue Aug 10 2010

12:19 PM
Think I cracked a tooth on some Corn Nuts this morning. I guess my teeth aren't strong enough to handle BBQ Corn Nuts in the AM.

12:21 PM
Called Ann for our Dentist's number. She couldn't stop laughing and said she'd call back later. Pretty rude.

12:22 PM
Gonna have to eat this Quizno's on the other side of my mouth. I hope Ann's happy!

04:50 PM
Really overdid it on the Orajel. Dribblin' Miller Lite all over my shirt.

04:52 PM
Dave just called me a slob. Real nice coming from a man who has an old Hooter's t-shirt for a pillow case.

Wed Aug 11 2010

12:49 PM
Hump day Fever! Bruh-nuh-nuuhhh! Hump day Fever! Bruh-nuh-nuh-nooowww!

Thu Aug 12 2010

06:19 PM
Dave smoked a bunch of grass, freaked out, got the munchies, and ate 3 pot brownies. If we have to go to the hospital I'll be P.O.'d!!!

Sun Aug 15 2010

02:40 PM
Me and Dave just arm wrestled to see who has to clean the bathroom. I won! Got to get it Overrrrrr The To-o-op!!!!!!

Tue Aug 17 2010

03:37 PM
Dave made dinner. Lookin' forward to throwing it up.

03:41 PM
Thinking about visiting the kids this weekend. Not going to. But thinkin' about it.

Thu Aug 19 2010

12:19 PM
Ann asked if I could watch the kids for an hour on Sunday. Too bad I'm busy. Looks like no lunch for her and her sow friends at OG.

Fri Aug 20 2010

12:24 PM
Super pumped for the weekend! Me and Dave are going perch fishing. BIG ASS cooler of Busch Light. Can't wait can't wait can't wait!!!

12:26 PM
Just split my pants. Stapled 'em back together. Who cares! Frrrrridaaaay!

03:45 PM
My pants staples got snagged on my chair. Stood up. Ripped out the whole seat. Full moon. Had to wait for everyone else to leave.

03:47 PM
Did a revamp on my pants with some old wood glue. Waiting for it to dry.

03:55 PM
Dave is already loaded at Paddy McGee's. It's killing me! C'mon dry you stupid pants!

04:02 PM
This is a disaster! Glue everywhere. Looks like I messed myself! Sick of this.

04:04 PM
Goin to Kohl's for these bad boys. http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/shorts/cargo/solid/PRD~553934/Lee+Gallagher+Cargo+Shorts.jsp

04:04 PM
Hope that cute bartender at Paddy's likes 'em. Friday on everyone!

Tue Aug 24 2010

12:13 PM
Had a real doozy of a Monday. Got in a screaming match with Ann on the phone at work. Now everyone's being weird to me today.

12:14 PM
Guess no one knew we were having problems. It's none of their beeswax!

Wed Aug 25 2010

02:39 PM
Dave just called me to ask how to unclog the toilet. Yeah, like I know. Gave him Ann's number.

Fri Sep 03 2010

04:45 PM
Dave downloaded a bunch of porn on my laptop and it froze up. Had to take it to Best Buy with Black Asian Anal teens stuck on the browser.

04:47 PM
And now I know he uses my computer to slap it around when I'm gone! So gross.

Sun Oct 03 2010

08:15 PM
Sorry I've been out of the loop. Had a mild heart attack and crashed my Cherokee into a parked car. Been stayin' with Ann and the kids.

Sat Oct 30 2010

12:41 PM
I know I told Ann I wouldn't use Twitter as part of our "agreement", but she's really burning me, making me take the kids t or t'ing.

12:44 PM
Tonight was supposed to be my poker night w/ the guys. All their wives take out THEIR kids!

12:47 PM
I'm not my kid out in public dressed like Harry Potter! I don't care if this is a gay friendly society! The guys'll never let it go!

Thu Dec 02 2010

01:18 PM
Ann died in a car accident this morning. Pretty shook up over here.

04:16 PM
I'm sorry to swear, BUT I LEFT MY GODDAMN PAGE OPEN WHEN I WENT TO WORK AND FUCKING DAVE SENT THAT "ANN DIED" TWEET!!! NO ONE'S DEAD!!!

04:22 PM
So steamed right now. Sorry guys. Dave's really cruisin' for a knuckle sandwich.

04:29 PM
I mean, it's not that big a deal if she died since we're separated, but I'm still burned up about it. Goin' for a sixer. G'night folks.

Fri Dec 03 2010

06:26 PM
Ate a whole XL Reuben Pizza at Paddy's. The cute bartender thought I couldn't do it . She was really impressed. Said it was, "rad."

06:28 PM
I was pretty hammered so I left. Got home and Dave was in the john destroying it. Had to crap SO bad I drove back to Paddy's.

06:30 PM
Cute bartender saw me come back in and said, "What, you miss me?" Couldn't just crap and leave so I had 5 Labatt's.

06:37 PM
Cute bartender bet me a beer I couldn't put away another XL BLT Pizza. It's on! Man v. Food! Man v. Food! Ha! F-f-f-f-f-fridaaayyy!

Tue Dec 07 2010

10:50 PM
Went to get a late snack. Noticed Dave ate all my Bagel Bites. Stupid fat sow. Sick of this. Dumped all his cereal down the toilet.

Wed Dec 08 2010

12:12 PM
Hump day! Although I'm still mad that Dave ate all my Bagel Bites. Usually I get to spend the first 2 hrs of work in the john.

12:17 PM
Crap, just remembered it's almost Christmas. Don't know if I should get Ann any crap. Stressin'.

12:37 PM
Also, don't know what to get the cute bartender at Paddy's. We've been kinda buddy buddy lately. But don't wanna give the wrong signals.

12:38 PM
Gonna hit a few places at lunch. Let me know if anyone has any suggestions. Kinda stumped here.

Thu Dec 09 2010

01:10 PM
Got Ann one of those diamond heart pendants from that jewelry place at the mall.

01:12 PM
Then asked her about exchanging gifts, she said I was welcome to buy the kids things, but it'd be weird for us to do that.

01:13 PM
Boy is she gonna be surprised about the pendant! Super pumped! Might even get to stuff her stocking ;)

Fri Dec 10 2010

10:49 AM
F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fridaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!! We are the champions! Weeee arre the Champ-iiooonss!!!

08:00 PM
Just home from Chili's. Really drunk. Miss Ann so much. Calling her to see what's goin on. Calling Ann now.

08:01 PM
Ann won't pick up. Calling Ann back.

08:01 PM
Straight to voicemail. Calling Ann back.

08:02 PM
Pick up Ann! Stupid damn voicemail. Calling Ann back.

08:02 PM
Voicemail again. Calling back.

08:02 PM
Sick of this.

11:49 PM
Threw up. Sent Ann some sex texts. So stupid. Dave said he does it all the time to gals. I've never seen Dave with a woman EVER!

11:52 PM
Callling Ann again.

11:53 PM
Voicemail again. Really steamed.

Sat Dec 11 2010

01:22 PM
Did something really stupid before bed. Drank a bottle of red wine and ate 3 bran muffins. This morning's been just a nightmare.

01:35 PM
Everytime I go in the restroom, Dave makes gas sounds. So immature. My stomach is upset! It's NOT funny. So sick of this.

01:36 PM
Good news is, Ann left a message that "we need to talk." Guess I called a few times last night. Think I really got through to her.

05:01 PM
Went to meet Ann for coffee. I spent the whole time making restroom trips. She finally just left without saying goodbye. So rude.

05:24 PM
Out of TP. Goin to Paddy's. It's Dave's turn to buy it anyway. He's such a cheapskate.

07:42 PM
Took down the Sampler Platter and the Paddy McGee Sirloin. And it's $12 buckets of domestics tonight! Feelin MUCH better in the BM dept.

07:46 PM
Gettin another bucket. Might call Ann to tell her I'm feeling better. She's probably worried.

09:09 PM
Killed a dozen bullets. Called Ann. Straight to voicemail. Looks like Ann's up to her old tricks.

09:10 PM
Calling the house phone. Never thought of that! If she wants to play games, we'll play games.

09:12 PM
Phone's busy. My daughter must be talking to that ding dong Chad from school. Calling Ann's cell to let her know that won't stand!

09:14 PM
Sick of this. Half tempted to go over there and give her a piece of my mind...after a few more cold ones. Goin down so smooth.

Sun Dec 12 2010

12:39 PM
Woke up in my car in the Paddy's parking lot. Think I was going over to Ann's. Ruined my pants in my sleep. Got some thinking to do.

07:54 PM
I bet Dave that if the Lions won, I'd drink a whole bottle of Kahlua. Now I feel like I have to pee but no pee will come out.

08:00 PM
Ordered a Cheesy Bites Pizza from the Hut to try and soak it up. Passed out. Woke up to an empty box, a full Dave, and missing $20!

08:03 PM
Going to bed. This sucks. Monday tomorrow. Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks. Sucks. Monday sucks.

Mon Dec 13 2010

02:20 AM
Gotta be up in 3 hrours for work. Shit. Couldn't sleep becaourse Dave farted up the bathroum and b roke my Wii becauese he's stupdid.

01:44 PM
The roof of the Sebring collapsed like that football stadium from all the snow. Drove to work with the top down. 12 degrees out.

01:48 PM
My ears are still burning from frostbite. I HATE Mondays! Sick of this. Might need to go to the hospital.

01:56 PM
Just overheard a co-worker call me Fatso The Snowman. Feelin' kinda down.

02:42 PM
Ordered this bad boy to cheer me up: http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/mens/accessories/hats/fashion/PRD~778957/Headers+Griffin+Ivy+Cap.jsp

02:55 PM
Dave just called to ask "how my car was." Apparently he piled extra snow on it as a prank. That's why the roof collapsed. SO F-ING P.O.'d!

05:04 PM
Had to drive home with no roof. The heat might as well have not been on at all. Took a hot shower. Still can't get warm.

05:12 PM
Called Ann to ask for advice. Told her about the car. She laughed so hard she dropped the phone. Sick of this.

Tue Dec 14 2010

11:34 AM
At the dealership waiting for the car to get fixed. Free donuts and TV! Better than being at work. Hope it takes forever.

11:40 AM
Some old bag asked me to turn the TV down so she can read her book. What an idiot. Probably can't walk and fart at the same time either.

01:15 PM
Still here at the dealership. Took a little snooze. Gonna see what's on the tube. I hope my car never gets fixed, this place rocks!

01:33 PM
They put out a fresh pot of coffee and that old bag hit the road. Time for donut numero ocho. Seriously, I could live here.

01:49 PM
Dr. Phil is on. What a dumb sack of horsecrap. "Yew shud do this! Yew shud do that!" He should do me a favor and shut his fat face.

04:55 PM
Well MAYBE if Dave didn't hog the bathroom when he KNOWS I've been drinking coffee all day I wouldn't have to pee in the kitchen sink.

04:55 PM
And MAYBE if he did the dishes like an adult once in a while, I wouldn't have to urinate on them. He's so immature.

Wed Dec 15 2010

11:07 AM
Hump dayaayyyeeeeyaaayyeee!!! Really lookin' forward to the weekend you guys.

11:40 AM
Just got me and my bro Al early xmas presents: Tix to Joe Satriani tomorrow night at the Fillmore!!! So. Pumped.

01:03 PM
Just back from Wing Wednesday. Blared Summer Song the whole way. Satriani is gonna rock it so hard!

02:13 PM
Wings aren't sittin' so good. Only had a dozen and fries. Maybe the Diet Coke was bad or something.

06:08 PM
Went to Al's to tell him about about the Satriani tix, he said, "Bro, I just can't take off like that, I gotta holiday party to go to."

06:12 PM
I said, is JOE SATRIANI gonna be at this "holiday party?" Got pretty hot under the collar about it. They were 83 bucks a piece!!!

06:14 PM
Went to Paddy's to cool off. Gotta figure this out over a few $3 long islands.

06:16 PM
Dave'll definitely weasel his way in if I let him know, so that's out of the question. Can't take Dave, he'll grossout the concert chicks.

06:19 PM
Hinted to Carly the bartender that I had an extra ticket. Don't think she believed me. Satriani tix are pretty tough to come by.

06:20 PM
But man, people would freak out with that kinda babe on my arm. Maybe I'll ask if she "knows anyone that wants to go?" Super casual.

06:21 PM
Okay, one more Long Island to loosen up, then I'll ask. They go down so smooth here. Tastes like pop!

06:40 PM
So smooth. Goin' down SO smooth. Might get some Irish Nachos, then one more, then ask.

Thu Dec 16 2010

12:08 AM
Woke up on the couch. Think I got drunk and just gave cute bartender both tickets. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid. Kill me.

12:08 PM
Can't believe I gave her those tix. I guess I'm just too nice and get taken advantage of sometimes. Feelin' down.

12:11 PM
Of course, giving away $166 big ones shows that I'm kind of big spender. Can't hurt my chances at some action down the line.

Fri Dec 17 2010

11:41 AM
I got a fever, and the only prescription, is more FRIDAY!

12:21 PM
Work holiday party starts at 4! Super pumped. There's gonna be drinks and apps and everything! Can't wait!

12:25 PM
Just snuck a peak in the fridge, HOLY CRAP THERE'S SHRIMP!!!

01:02 PM
Going to be first in line for the spread. Gotta get dips on the those shrimp.

01:49 PM
There's ABSOLUT VODKA. People keep saying I pour my drinks too strong. But it's ABSOLUT! Gotta take advantage.

02:05 PM
Just overheard, "Look at Shamoo over there hoggin' all the shrimp." It's not "hoggin" if they're free. People don't know how to live.

02:08 PM
Plus, I need the shrimp to soak up all the Absolut. It's a holiday PARTY, not a holiday SNOOZEFEST.

09:25 PM
Think I did some stuff I shouldn't have at the holiday party. Don't wanna talk about it. Gonna watch some Triple D and hit the sack.

Sat Dec 18 2010

03:32 PM
Keep getting weird emails from co-workers. Calling me "2 Live Karl." I don't know exactly what went down at the party. Scared to find out.

08:23 PM
I guess we went for after party drinks at a bar with karaoke. Sang, "Me So Horny." With my shirt off. There's pictures. Kill me.

Sun Dec 19 2010

09:21 PM
Can't sleep. Worried about work tomorrow. Hope everyone still thinks I'm cool. Don't wanna have to hang with the "Nerd Herd."

Mon Dec 20 2010

03:08 PM
Tried to keep it low key at work. Hung out in the bathroom most of the day. It was actually pretty great.

03:15 PM
A couple people called me "2 Live Karl," which I guess is an upgrade from "Clogger," "Shamoo," or "Fatso The Snowman." I kinda like it.

Tue Dec 21 2010

12:59 PM
Getting super pumped for Christmas. Need to get shopping. Ol' Santa Karl likes to do it up big!

07:43 PM
Forgot about my kid's ballet recital tonight. Crap. I mean, it's awesome I didn't have to go, but still, crap.

07:46 PM
Ann is REALLY steamed. Keeps calling leaving messages about my kid crying. Let's see how SHE likes it when I won't pick up! Ha!

08:33 PM
Ann's called 9 times now. Told me I was a being a "bad father." What a spazz. Gonna play hard to get. I know a thing or 2 about women.

Wed Dec 22 2010

01:02 PM
Ann "doesn't know if it's a good idea" for me to see the kids on Christmas. Yeah right. Like they don't want these gift certificates.

01:06 PM
Can't worry about that now anyway. Backlash from Wing Wednesday is brewing like a hurricane.

01:08 PM
Hardly anyone here at work. Gonna run home for a break. This is bad.

03:02 PM
I don't think Starbucks knows the disastrous fire they play with when then put a code on their bathroom.

06:07 PM
Just remembered tomorrow is secret Santa day at work. And I forgot who mine was. God. Damnit.

06:20 PM
Looks like the 3D Eiffel Tower jigsaw puzzle Ann's mom gave me last year is gonna be the gift that keeps on sucking. She's so thoughtless.

Thu Dec 23 2010

11:30 AM
Just did Secret Santa. Got a sweet Red Wings scarf! Just left the puzzle under the tree and went to eat cookies in the bathroom.

09:27 PM
At Wild Spurs for Karaoke Cougar Night. So many smokin' babes out tonight. Having a blast! Might do a number in a bit.

Fri Dec 24 2010

12:06 AM
This is so true. Just what I needed. RT @SexCigarsBooze If someone you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

12:09 AM
Had SUCH a blast tonight at Wild Spurs. Put on some .38 Special and sparked one of Dave's "J's." I'm so chilled out. Feels GOOD.

12:09 AM
Just wanted to say how much I love you guys.

10:34 AM
Crap, just woke up. Hope Radio Shack is still open. They always have the coolest last minute stuff.

04:31 PM
My son wanted some stupid Mickey Mouse video game for Xmas. Got him a RC monster truck from The Shack instead. And Ann says I'm a bad dad.

05:09 PM
Haven't heard from Ann today. Guess we'll just hook up tomorrow. I'm pretty ripped on my famous egg nog anyway. (special recipe)

06:36 PM
Whoa, Dave is totally trashed on my special Nog. He thinks he knows some babes we can call. Xmas Eve 2010, let's do this!

08:24 PM
Polished off the Nog. Dave called the gals. Waiting to hear back. Busting out the Crown & Diet. Probably the best Xmas Eve I can remember.

09:13 PM
Bad news. The babes had to cancel. There was a mix up with who Dave was. They were probably barf city anyway. Dave has no taste in women.

09:53 PM
Crap, where'd I put Ann's heart pendant?!! Crap crap crap!!! One more Crown & Diet, then I'll look. Goin' down SO smooth.

10:03 PM
Really lookin' forward to the Christmas weekend you guys.

Sat Dec 25 2010

12:55 PM
Found Ann's heart pendant under a Wendy's bag in the Sebring. She said I could stop by in an hour. Gotta get it together! Super hungover.

01:12 PM
You too Kath! RT @kathyireland Merry Christmas Angels. Thank you for being so wonderful. May life bring you joy, peace and LOVE. Always

04:57 PM
Back from Ann & the kids. Had a blast. Inlaws gave me the stink eye a few times, but that's nothing new.

04:59 PM
Ann's mom kept making cracks everytime I'd refill my drink. Told her to mind her own business. Felt good to stand up to that swine.

05:06 PM
Gave Ann her pendant, she said, "Karl, you went to Jared!" & laughed a little. She stopped when I told her it was from Kay. I do it right.

05:09 PM
I think Ann really caught my drift, if you know what I mean.

05:10 PM
Plus, I wore a holiday portion of my Tim McGraw cologne. She probably would've been all over me if her folks weren't there.

05:12 PM
Knew I wouldn't get any, so I gave the kids their crap, broke the toilet, blamed it on her mom and left. Time to relax. Feeling good.

Sun Dec 26 2010

12:49 PM
Really comin down from Christmas. Feelin down. Wish I had some leftovers.

12:51 PM
Ann made me a plate to go. When I woke up, Dave had eaten it all. He said, "I thought it was for me?!" Nothing's EVER been for you, Dave.

01:49 PM
Pulled my back out using the restroom. Now the cable isn't working so no football. Sick of this. I wonder if Paddy's is open?

02:04 PM
Paddy's is open 'til 10. Heading over. $1.50 domestics! Told Dave I was going to buy toilet paper. He was gettin on my last nerve.

04:31 PM
The best thing about $1.50 pints is that you can pretty much drink as many as you want.

08:15 PM
Heckuva time at Paddy's tonight. Musta had a million Bud Ls. Took down an Irish Nacho to soak it up for the drive. They were delish!

08:17 PM
Got home and Dave was still in the same spot as when I left, as usual. It's like he never moves. The guy needs to get a life!

08:20 PM
Sometimes I feel like I should bring Dave around more often, but he just doesn't have much class. Always creeps out the foxy chicks.

08:25 PM
There was a new gal at Paddy's tonight. Super righteous bod and a real sweetheart. Kristen or Carrie or something? I'm a little bombed.

Mon Dec 27 2010

02:11 PM
@JennyMcCarthy Tiger Woods was a big fave! I'd never do that to Ann & the kids, but who could resist all those hot babes!

02:13 PM
Super pumped to be helpin' out @JennyMcCarthy. She's such a sweetheart.

07:43 PM
Found an old Tina's Burrito in back of the freezer behind the ice trays. Gonna fix it up "supreme" style. Monday could be alot worse.

09:18 PM
Can freezer burn make you ill? Stomach hurts really bad. Tongue hurts almost worse. Should've waited for the burreet to cool off.

09:19 PM
Heard Dave coming in the door and didn't want to share so I shoveled it in straight outta the microwave. Really hurtin all over.

09:51 PM
Took a couple Pepcid AC. Didn't do anything. Nothing coming out the back end. Just so cramped up.

10:40 PM
I just wish I could take a healthy crap so I could get some goddamn sleep.

Tue Dec 28 2010

03:04 PM
Finally, Tuesday is over. Really lookin' forward to hump day you guys.

06:19 PM
Dave just asked me if I want to have a farting contest. I don't know how much longer I can live here.

08:19 PM
Had some time to think tonight. Gonna really try and make it work with Ann. Dave's been bringin me down lately.

Wed Dec 29 2010

09:59 AM
Wing Wednesday! Let's do this! (gotta take advantage, might be making some New Year's resolutions)

06:10 PM
Wing Wednesday got a little outta control. Took down 18+, 2 pitchers and a cheese fry.

06:12 PM
Kinda been overdoin it for the Holidays. It's either time for a diet or I can just use the gift certificate Ann got me for Casual Male XL.

Thu Dec 30 2010

09:07 AM
Super close to the big NYE bash! Super pumped. One last hurrah before I get my program together. Feels good.

Fri Dec 31 2010

11:18 AM
Doin some pushups. Wanna look jacked later.

12:01 PM
Crush is playing tonight at Wild Spurs. They rock! So pumped! NYE FRIDAAAAYYYY!!!!

12:24 PM
Picked up a new pair of black jeans. Kinda tight, but it IS a rock show later. They actually look pretty cool.

12:27 PM
Dave just asked if I want to hang with his brother's family later because they'll have "free pizza and everything." No, loser, I don't.

01:23 PM
Can't wait to rock out 'til the break of dawn! Hope there's some babes out. Who am I kidding, OF COURSE there will be. Super pumped.

03:07 PM
Made one of my famous Vernor's, Hot Damn & Jim Beam. (special recipe) Getting started early before heading out!

03:11 PM
My theme song for tonight. Got it on repeat. Forgot how good their old stuff is. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nY72dQl_HmU

03:14 PM
NEW YEAR'S 2010! Let's do this! Heading out to Wild Spurs in 15. Love you guys! Be safe! (And maybe lucky, if you know what I mean) Ha!

03:16 PM
Or is it New Year's 2011? Can never remember. Whatever, just have a blast!